Becoming more picky about looks?

[somedude81]

That is the EXACT definition of a rebound...........

 

Or.. in short.. you were a rebound.

 

If that's what a rebound is, then yes I was a rebound.

 

Lucky me

 

I was just happy to have a cute girl actually like me for the first time in my entire life.

[thefooloftheyear]

The bold is brilliant. It's actually something I thought of before but didn't really know how to express it and also thought I may have been a bit out there.

 

So here's what's up.

 

She was with him for three years. The last year and a half the relationship was toxic. She was unhappy and being emotionally abused by him. She had low self-esteem and confidence.

 

Many women seem to have trouble leaving these types of relationships for reasons I don't really understand.

 

She meets me and after time getting to know me, she falls for me. I become the motivation for her to leave her toxic relationship. If she didn't meet me, there is a very good chance that she would still be with him right now and be very unhappy.

 

Through lots of support, understanding, compliments and just being an awesome boyfriend, I help build up her confidence. This became very apparent in how she behaved in bed at the start of our relationship and how she was towards the end.

 

So after dating me for a few months, she has higher self-esteem, she's happy, though she feels that something is off with her feelings. She's not as attached as she thinks she should be. She realizes that she doesn't need a man in her life to be happy; and I get the axe. Now she's truly single for the first time in her life since she developed breasts.

 

Essentially I rescued her, fixed her up through love and support, and then she ran away.

 

 

This is all crap you should have had out of your system a month after the breakup...How long ago was it that you broke up? 2 years ago? What the hell is the point of rehashing and trying to find a reason...There are usually no reasons...People change their minds. flake out, whatever...

 

You'll never get anywhere until you wash this from your brain....forever...

 

Really, bro...just forget it...

 

TFY

[somedude81]

This is all crap you should have had out of your system a month after the breakup...How long ago was it that you broke up? 2 years ago? What the hell is the point of rehashing and trying to find a reason...There are usually no reasons...People change their minds. flake out, whatever...

 

You'll never get anywhere until you wash this from your brain....forever...

 

Really, bro...just forget it...

 

TFY

 

Dude you absolutely cannot fu*king relate to what I'm going through.

[Lani]

If that's what a rebound is, then yes I was a rebound.

 

Lucky me

 

I was just happy to have a cute girl actually like me for the first time in my entire life.

 

The reality is that perhaps she never did actually like you that much..

You were an escape for her when she needed one. She thought you were okay so she went with it. Then she realised what she was doing so she left.

 

Keep this in mind when you're comparing your prospects to her. Yeah, you got lucky once.. but... she left.

[serial muse]

Reading minds again?

 

No need for personal attacks. Loveshack doesn't like that sort of thing. Please stop.

 

Citation? Search the thread. There's nothing. Prove it! You're stating your own perceptions as facts. Poor debating tactics.

 

It's not this thread, of course.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/467280-introverted-shy-men-do-you-really-prefer-outgoing-girls-3.html#post5596463

 

Specifically:

All I know is that if I'm pushing myself to engage with a girl and I'm getting very little positive feedback from her, I'll assume that she's not interested in move on.

[suladas]

Dude you absolutely cannot fu*king relate to what I'm going through.

 

Yes of course, you're the first person to ever get dumped

[thefooloftheyear]

Dude you absolutely cannot fu*king relate to what I'm going through.

 

 

Maybe I cant-but dont be so sure of that......but honestly, in no way does continuing to ruminate over this woman helping you....Its not...You shouldnt be talking about this ****ing relationship anymore!! Maybe you dont even realize it but in seemingly every single post you make on here, there is some reference to this girl and the time you were with her.....

 

You need an older male mentor, IMO....Someone who has real life experience and can put you in a better place mentally/emotionally...

 

Some people are trying to "help" you but its like going to a bar and talking to a bunch of drunks to get advice on how not to be an alcoholic...Its nuts..

 

Im trying to help you..I know you dont view it that way...

 

TFY

Edited September 22, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[somedude81]

The reality is that perhaps she never did actually like you that much..

You were an escape for her when she needed one. She thought you were okay so she went with it. Then she realised what she was doing so she left.

 

Keep this in mind when you're comparing your prospects to her. Yeah, you got lucky once.. but... she left.

 

Do you really enjoy breaking down my confidence?

 

Would you kindly get out of my thread.

[somedude81]

Maybe I cant-but dont be so sure of that......but honestly, in no way does continuing to ruminate over this woman helping you....Its not...You shouldnt be talking about this ****ing relationship anymore!! Maybe you dont even realize it but in seemingly every single post you make on here, there is some reference to this girl and the time you were with her.....

 

You need an older male mentor, IMO....Someone who has real life experience and can put you in a better place mentally/emotionally...

 

Some people are trying to "help" you but its like going to a bar and talking to a bunch of drunks to get advice on how not to be an alcoholic...Its nuts..

 

Im trying to help you..I know you dont view it that way...

 

TFY

 

As I've said a thousand times, she is my only point of reference. Whenever I want to post in a thread that has anything to do with dating or sex, my options are to mention her, or not post.

 

I'm not going to be able to stop talking about her till I can replace her.

 

The best thing you guys can do is help me get a new girlfriend. And then help me keep her.

[Cristo]

SD, have you tried meeting new women?

[Anela]

 

Some people are trying to "help" you but its like going to a bar and talking to a bunch of drunks to get advice on how not to be an alcoholic...Its nuts..

 

Im trying to help you..I know you dont view it that way...

 

TFY

 

What makes you more knowledgeable than the other contributors to this thread? You're trying to help, but we're trying to "help"? I think everyone in this thread has friends, and most have had long-term relationships - healthy ones, at that.

[Anela]

 

The best thing you guys can do is help me get a new girlfriend. And then help me keep her.

 

We've tried, but you don't listen. You have to do the work.

[Lani]

Do you really enjoy breaking down my confidence?

 

Would you kindly get out of my thread.

 

Truth hurts huh?

Just because you don't like what I (or anyone else for that matter) say, it doesn't mean it's meant to break down your confidence. It's meant to make you see what's really going on instead of letting you believe that living in your own delusional world where having no friends, no job, and thinking of women as a sexual commodity is okay. It's not. None of it is. And the sooner you realise that the sooner we can all move on from you reporting every post you don't agree with.

 

Get some perspective, buddy.

[somedude81]

We've tried, but you don't listen. You have to do the work.

 

Don't work is a very vague answer.

 

I'm trying to eat better, getting in better shape, trying to graduate college and pushing myself to be more sociable.

 

Is that enough work?

[somedude81]

Truth hurts huh?

Just because you don't like what I (or anyone else for that matter) say, it doesn't mean it's meant to break down your confidence. It's meant to make you see what's really going on instead of letting you believe that living in your own delusional world where having no friends, no job, and thinking of women as a sexual commodity is okay. It's not. None of it is. And the sooner you realise that the sooner we can all move on from you reporting every post you don't agree with.

 

Get some perspective, buddy.

 

I was feeling really down for a bit because of what you wrote but after a quick scan of my memory made me realize that you don't know anything about my relationship. To say that she never liked me is absolute bullsh*t.

 

Six months is an awful long time to be with somebody you don't like, never mind the very present risk of getting pregnant by a guy she never liked.

 

For a time she was crazy about me, and nothing you say will change that. Of course that was the last post of yours I'll read.

[HeartDesires]

The best thing you guys can do is help me get a new girlfriend.

 

......just being curious somedude81, you don't have a job - can you afford a girlfriend

[KaliLove]

If that's what a rebound is, then yes I was a rebound.

 

Lucky me

 

I was just happy to have a cute girl actually like me for the first time in my entire life.

 

I think the point is that you need to stop citing her, as it's possible that, as a rebound, you just had good timing.

 

I'm absolutely not trying to break your confidence when I say that. I'm trying to get you to stop thinking that you are the perfect boyfriend and that it's everyone else's fault that you can't find a girl, and realize that you might have some flaws that you need to work on before you can find someone (and not just flaws in your pick up techniques)..and then actually do something about it instead of just complaining.

 

There are REASONS why you didn't have a girlfriend before her, and why you can't find a girlfriend now, and they aren't necessarily about pick up techniques.

 

Dude, nobody is perfect. Nobody. I've had plenty of boyfriends..that doesn't make me better than someone who hasn't. I've been in therapy on and off for years now, and I intend to continue with it.

 

What will help you is to stop focusing on what you think is wrong with anyone else and focus on what issues you yourself might have, and then to actually work on them. That is the ONLY thing that's going to help you.

[somedude81]

......just being curious somedude81, you don't have a job - can you afford a girlfriend

 

I don't know.

 

What's the monthly fee to have one?

[Teknoe]

The best thing you guys can do is help me get a new girlfriend. And then help me keep her.

 

Please read that again. And then again. And then 5 more times on top of that.

 

The ironic thing is, many people have been giving you the same consistent type of advice for the last 5, 6 years... and you continually brush it aside. All the while you are looking for someone to give you a magical line that will attract a girl. There is no magic line. This is not a movie. Your main issue has been taking short cuts in life. And hoping for the best results.

 

Pass college first. Get a decent paying job that you enjoy. Socialize. Get out there every once in a while. And as hard as it seems, putting the GF pedestal/priority off to the side would do you a world of good. Right now, ironically, your very goal is only pushing you away from achieving it.

 

I agree with the poster who said you need an older, wiser, more experienced male mentor. Someone who can show you the ropes BUT also keep you accountable. Get some kind of support system around you.

 

Again, what do you bring to the table and what do you offer a woman? Can you take care of her financially? Are you going to travel the world with her with no job?

 

Women are looking for confident men who they feel safe and secure with, yet challenged and a little bit of risk never hurts. Right now, it seems like you're just another nice guy (sorry to say) with no money still in college at 33. Sorry, but that's an uphill battle you're fighting, especially when you're targeting girls who are 19-24.

 

Dude, there's plenty of those dudes around. You need to stand out and make yourself more attractive. You can do this through a variety of ways... a combination would be even better from the list below

 

1. Gain more life experience. This helps to shape your perspective on humans and the world. This helps you with girls because it can give you stories to share. Having fun stories to share is never a bad thing

 

2. Get fit. Never hurts. And you'll feel better.

 

3. Change up your clothes. I don't know what kind of clothes you wear, but you could go shopping for some clothes that you feel accentuate your best features. Wearing clothes we feel good in can go a long way.

 

3a. You know, having a female friend who can go shopping with you might help. I have gone shopping with female friends before where they told me what they thought I looked best wearing. And then I bought those clothes. See, having strictly platonic friends can help. It's healthy.

 

4. Graduate.

 

5. Get a decent paying job. Set yourself up for some security. How can you take care of another person when you can barely take care of yourself, money wise?

 

6. Increase your social capital. Sorry, I know you hate this one, but it doesn't change the fact that it's true. Most women are attracted to charismatic guys. You don't have to be the life of the party, but having connections here and there can only help, and not hurt you.

 

7. Check out some meet up groups. You live in SoCal. It's teeming with meet up groups of people 30-35 i.e. more in your age range. I know you have the early 20's fantasy thing going, but as someone said earlier, father time stops for no one. The older you get, the harder it becomes to find a Sophia part II. It's time to start looking at women closer to your age.

 

Where? Meet ups is one place where you can do this

 

I really wish you well. We all do. I think the reason why your threads are so popular is because we're all checking in to see if you have made any key life changes or adjusted any of your life strategies. Yet after all this time, it seems like you really haven't (based on the nature of your posts and how you continually have the same struggles, month after month, year after year).

 

It might be time to start making some small but scary changes. Like going to a meet up event with no expectations other than to socialize and have fun. And then go again the following Saturday. And then again the next. You can't keep doing whatever it is you're doing (and NOT doing) and expect results to suddenly change.

[Els]

This thread is starting to focus too much on my ex, which is not something I want to talk about.

 

So I will answer this one last question.

 

 

 

Because she wasn't ready to be in another serious relationship so soon after exiting one.

 

She was with her boyfriend from 17 to 20.

 

Breaks up with him and then starts dating me three weeks later.

 

Several months down the line she realizes that something is off her feelings, she's not where she should be emotionally, she's not completely detached from the guy before me and realizes that she needs to be single.

 

She would have dumped anybody. Unfortunately it was me.

 

Look, you can't have it both ways. Either:

 

1) The issue was truly 100% hers because she wasn't ready to date again yet, ergo you were just a rebound and she wasn't truly 'crazy about you'

OR

2) She was 'crazy about you' before, and it was something you did (or didn't do) that changed her mind

 

Which hypothesis do you prefer? Does it matter?

[thefooloftheyear]

What makes you more knowledgeable than the other contributors to this thread? You're trying to help, but we're trying to "help"? I think everyone in this thread has friends, and most have had long-term relationships - healthy ones, at that.

 

 

Where does it say I am more knowledgeable than anyone?

 

I make an observation and post a comment...And I stand behind it....Dont read into it...Its my opinion, that what this guy needs is a positive male role model and a coach/mentor of sorts...Someone that has experienced the same things in life that he is going through and actually knows how to cope/deal with it..

 

TFY

[xxoo]

Don't work is a very vague answer.

 

I'm trying to eat better, getting in better shape, trying to graduate college and pushing myself to be more sociable.

 

Is that enough work?

 

Time will tell if the work you do is enough. Thus far, not much has changed since you started.

 

What is clear is that online advice is not enough. You need some IRL friends to show you the ropes and provide feedback.

Edited September 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SummerDreams]

Now that school has started I'm interacting with a lot of girls on a regular basis as I try to get a new girlfriend.

 

One thing that I've noticed is that I've become a bit more picky about which girls I want to get to know better. Before I had a girlfriend I would have been happy with a girl who was nice and not too overweight. Now I'm looking for girls that are at least as pretty as my ex was.

 

There is one girl in salsa who is unusually friendly with me but even though she has a nice body, her face just isn't that cute. Am I being shallow or unreasonable for not wanting to get to know her?

 

One girl that I was interested in is super cute and about 5'1 with a nice body. We became friendly very quickly but today I just learned that she has a boyfriend

 

There is one more really cute girl that I'm friendly with and I'm going to try and find out if she has a boyfriend on Wednesday.

 

Though if she's in a relationship as well, I feel that I'm going to have to start to push myself to pursue girls that I'm not that into.

 

And yeah, I realize that I may be shooting outside my league. My ex spoiled me.

 

Wow Somedude, you surely know how to attract readers and posters. Sometimes I wonder if you are some bored 60 years old man who wants to create some drama for himself through the internet. Anyway, your last sentence verifies my thoughts about you (I had posted them in another thread a couple of days ago). I haven't read the rest of this thread, but I'm sure how it goes: women calling you shallow, men agreeing with you and saying it's only natural for me to want a girl they physically like, and after 2-3 pages of conflict posters go back to advise you to stop caring about a gf for now and try to pass this class, you reply to only the ones who agree with you, most of them get bored and frustrated and leave the thread, and that's it. Same old story.

 

(I'm not getting banned for these assumptions now, am I? I'm just joking )

[Kid_Charlemange]

And yeah, I realize that I may be shooting outside my league. My ex spoiled me.

 

I experienced the same thing. My ex was completely out of my league, and after she broke my heart, I found it frustrating to try dating again.

 

Eventually I came to realize that her looks were probably part of the reason she treated me so poorly: She's used to men fawning over her.

 

A couple of our mutual friends have told me she's dated a few guys since we split, all pretty hunky and ridiculously successful, but none have "clicked." Maybe we both have learned that great looks can sometimes bring some negative elements along with them...

[Teknoe]

Time will tell if the work you do is enough. Thus far, not much has changed since you started.

 

What is clear is that online advice is not enough. You need some IRL friends to show you the ropes and provide feedback.

 

 

+1. I agree with the IRL friends part. He needs someone to keep him accountable. IRL you can't just ignore someone face to face asking you accountability-related questions. Online, it's too easy to ignore what you want.

 

Online advice has not helped SD in 6 years. Deep down, we kinda all know his "M.O." by now. Just another loooooong thread that allows him to escape his reality, and distracts him. Eventually, the thread will die, and he will make another new topic with similar questions, the same circle of posters will give the same type of advice, and the cycle repeats itself. It's been that way for well over half a decade now.

 

Everyone, including SD, is simply going in circles here.

But the only real one it's hurting is SD himself.

 

Good luck, SD.