“You just have a slutty aura”

[Anela]

Maybe the problem isn't you, with the exception of needing to be more assertive, as others have mentioned. It sounds like people with weak boundaries, either not realizing that they're being inappropriate, or not caring.

 

I have a very attractive friend, who made peace with the fact that men were going to act a certain way towards her, but she had trouble some years back, with a friend's father grabbing her, and being inappropriate. She can be flirtatious, but she was happily married, and she'd joked around with this guy for years. She could have been raped that night, but she'd been at a party for her friend, and a drunk girl surprised the father by walking into the room. (Not a bedroom, one downstairs where others had been.) She told him to never touch her again, and when her husband found out? (she didn't tell him - the guy called my friend to apologize), there was hell to pay. Men seem to just love her, though - she's like their dream girl.

 

I used to receive lewd attention, but I didn't want it. Since I was bullied, I wonder it it's how I was carrying myself. I know in a wedding video, I looked like I wanted to hide - I don't like being on camera, and I was really shy. I just wanted to be off with my sister, out of the spotlight. I rarely get hit on anymore, but I'm over 35, so.. No, I think I carry myself differently, although there was one night when I turned to my father, and asked if I looked slutty or something, because I'd been on the receiving end of a wolf whistle, a nod and a smile from a guy in a suit at Kohls, and then a kiss blown my way from a frat boy with his mates, who looked like they were stocking up on booze for a party. This all happened in the space of an hour or so.

 

I have wondered why I had men wanting to sleep with me, when they were in relationships - I saw it as a lack of respect for me, and their girlfriends, and they certainly weren't seeing me clearly (although it left me feeling paranoid for a long time). They also had awful boundaries, and were selfish in general.

 

Incidentally, I look people in the eye more often now, and my boundaries are much better: I was too shy to say when something was inappropriate, when I was younger. If a man gets that way now, I will tell him to stop.

Edited September 13, 2014 by Anela

[leavesonautumn]

I dunno....Maybe because I live in a fairly cosmopolitan area, "catcalling", (which I know full well what that consists of)..doesnt really happen around here...Not even on the construction sites anymore..Guys respect womens space, for the most part..its just not that common...

 

Many of women around here are definitely the type that you just dont eff with when it comes to that type of stuff...They are fearless and will immediately get in someone's grill the minute that someone wven thinks about that type of crap..

 

But I wont dismiss anyone who suffers these injustices..If they are truly unwarranted, then thats just unacceptable

 

TFY

 

Sorry, I did not mean to imply that you don't know what catcalling is. Just wanted to point out how common it is and how many women experience it.

 

From my experience, it's more common in larger cities. When I've been to say, Calgary, Toronto, Vancouver, it's much more prevalent then when I lived in smaller towns and communities but it still existed.

 

I'm glad to hear that it is not common where you live, just means they are progressing! The problem when I've gotten "in someone's grill", I was immediately called an ungrateful bitch who can't take a compliment. His approach was anything but complimentary (let's just say he didn't come up to me and speak to me sweetly) and he was upset that I hurt his male pride in front of his friends.

[MoreCoffee]

Did you own it? Were you a level 10 bitch? I hope you were. I hope you replied, "That's right, you want to be crude, you get the bitch. Now back the **** off." Because until "those" types of men get that every single time they degrade, they'll keep it up.

 

I had two older sisters and I always tried to treat a gal as I'd want them treated. Now while that did **** for my sex life, I never crossed any lines either. I never will.

 

 

Sorry, I did not mean to imply that you don't know what catcalling is. Just wanted to point out how common it is and how many women experience it.

 

From my experience, it's more common in larger cities. When I've been to say, Calgary, Toronto, Vancouver, it's much more prevalent then when I lived in smaller towns and communities but it still existed.

 

I'm glad to hear that it is not common where you live, just means they are progressing! The problem when I've gotten "in someone's grill", I was immediately called an ungrateful bitch who can't take a compliment. His approach was anything but complimentary (let's just say he didn't come up to me and speak to me sweetly) and he was upset that I hurt his male pride in front of his friends.

[leavesonautumn]

Did you own it? Were you a level 10 bitch? I hope you were. I hope you replied, "That's right, you want to be crude, you get the bitch. Now back the **** off." Because until "those" types of men get that every single time they degrade, they'll keep it up.

 

I had two older sisters and I always tried to treat a gal as I'd want them treated. Now while that did **** for my sex life, I never crossed any lines either. I never will.

 

Unfortunately, I didn't. It was my first time in a club at the young age of 18!

 

If it were to happen now? Oh yes, they would feel the hulk rage of my 5'2 self! There was another instance when this guy kept dancing on me and I clearly was not interested as I told him off as nicely as possible, would walk away etc and he wouldn't take the hint until he took a fist to his balls. Resulting in getting kicked out but no one puts a hand up my shirt without my consent

[preraph]

I won't say I've never had weird things happen to me, but I will readily admit I ran with a wild crowd, dressed like rock slut, and "Shock me, make me feel better" was my mantra. I've had a disgusting label guy come into a retail store I worked at and come up to me (and other girls there) and say "Hey, baby, blow me," to which I responded "You wouldn't like it" and walked off and avoided him in the business for the next 20 years, instructing others, once in a position of power, to keep him out of my line of vision.

 

Years later I had a doorman at a private post-show band party in Hollywood stop me at the door saying, "What are you going to do for me?" when I was wearing a stage pass from the label he should have been honoring. After showing him the pass to be sure he saw it and still getting the sexual favor routine, I "accidentally" came down on his instep very hard with my spiked heel and apologized profusely as I walked past him and entered the party. He did not come try to talk to me again or look my way on my way out.

 

Around this same time, I was introduced post-show to a musician notorious in his circle for being an insatiable drunk. The label person said, "____, this is _______ with ______," at which time the musician lurched a little, reached for his waistband, and emptied his bottle of beer down his pants. I actually liked that, but that's just me.

 

I've had frat boys in New Orleans yelling "Hey Elvira, $50" at me, so I simply walked up to the group of people in front of me a few feet and asked if I could walk with them. I've also been stalked by a biker lesbian in New Orleans, but I declined her advances in the nicest possible way (having no idea what a lesbian biker is capable of) and managed to leave her worshipping me from afar peacefully. Additionally, every queen in New Orleans always stopped me wanting to talk.

 

 

So I readily admit I lived life in a very fast crowd, so I had expectation to meet some even more out there than I was, and I attracted a lot of adventurous people, but I was more than capable of handling myself and didn't hesitate to do so. And no wankers were admitted -- none. No one would have whipped it out in front of me if they wished to keep it.

[BlueIris]

The problem when I've gotten "in someone's grill", I was immediately called an ungrateful bitch who can't take a compliment. His approach was anything but complimentary (let's just say he didn't come up to me and speak to me sweetly) and he was upset that I hurt his male pride in front of his friends.

 

And it's so common! And sometimes even those who advocate calling someone out, STILL call it being a bitch (but in a good way- ). It's amazing how just the language alone works, and almost never focuses on the d***head or the pack of hyenas.

 

I do think it's gotten much better in the past few decades in most workplaces and public places, but not bars and private settings. Both of my daughters have been grabbed by strangers in bars in the past few years. When I was at a frat party in college (early 80's), a guy once slipped his hand between my legs and went up to my butt, fingers between, pushing. I put my hand on his, gently and non-aggressively, with a good grip though, batted my eyes, clamped down on his finger, bent it backward and he howled. Might have been broken. Grabbing someone is just a risky move, you know? Everyone thought it was hilarious, but I can imagine plenty of settings where I would have incurred a lot of wrath. Pfft.

 

No woman should be afraid to unleash her inner Kali, when necessary.

Edited September 13, 2014 by BlueIris

[GemmaUK]

I dunno....Maybe because I live in a fairly cosmopolitan area, "catcalling", (which I know full well what that consists of)..doesnt really happen around here...Not even on the construction sites anymore..Guys respect womens space, for the most part..its just not that common...

 

Many of women around here are definitely the type that you just dont eff with when it comes to that type of stuff...They are fearless and will immediately get in someone's grill the minute that someone wven thinks about that type of crap..

 

But I wont dismiss anyone who suffers these injustices..If they are truly unwarranted, then thats just unacceptable

 

TFY

 

I live in a town.

It's nowhere near as densely populated as a city.

More often than not if anything like this happens to me I say nothing - simply because no one else is physically around should anything else happen (I have no idea if a guy has a knife or would attack me for standing up for myself).

 

The time I did stand up for myself on that train I still remember a woman who was in her thirties I would guess, sat with her bf/husband and she smiled the biggest smile at me. I knew I had her support.

I moved to the next carriage (totally visible to everyone) and sat with an older couple. They heard everything and I asked if they wouldn't mind me sitting near them for some support as I was alone. They were lovely and totally understood.

 

I often got for days up in London and will call someone out when they are being disrespectful but I'm not going to do that if I am isolated. That would be foolish if I consider my safety as being important.

 

I don't give eye contact barely ever and certainly not when I am walking past someone in the street. The only time I ever do that is late at night if I am alone..and these kind of things do not happen late at night..ever!

I am unable to give 'signals he could misconstrue as interest while wearing a pair of combats and a plain t-shirt' to a man driving up behind me as I walk along the pavement and he decides to call out to me. I don't even see him coming (no pun intended there). These are the professional looking , suited and booted types in the main too.

 

Heck! I am 45! I thought this would all stop 10 years ago! It's been going on for 30 plus years now!

[GemmaUK]

Maybe the problem isn't you, with the exception of needing to be more assertive, as others have mentioned. It sounds like people with weak boundaries, either not realizing that they're being inappropriate, or not caring.

 

I have a very attractive friend, who made peace with the fact that men were going to act a certain way towards her, but she had trouble some years back, with a friend's father grabbing her, and being inappropriate. She can be flirtatious, but she was happily married, and she'd joked around with this guy for years. She could have been raped that night, but she'd been at a party for her friend, and a drunk girl surprised the father by walking into the room. (Not a bedroom, one downstairs where others had been.) She told him to never touch her again, and when her husband found out? (she didn't tell him - the guy called my friend to apologize), there was hell to pay. Men seem to just love her, though - she's like their dream girl.

 

 

I had a similar issue with the father of my partner's best friend from when he was at school.

He wanted a Christmas kiss...but not just that. I was totally STUNNED!

He had taken me out to see the Morgan he had stripped back..I love Morgans...this day got embarrassing and I went to fetch my partner to 'save me' which he did.

 

I had issues at different times with the two sons though also. (one who was my partner's best friend).

 

All three seemed to have some kind of infatuation with me, the father and both sons.

 

I treated them all as family as they had such a close connection with my partner's family. We all spent Christmasses and New Years together.

 

I later realised that perhaps I should have just been aloof...?

 

The sad thing was I was close to the Mum and wife..she was a lovely lady.

[thefooloftheyear]

I guess it begs the question then...Why are there (attractive or not) some women that never really share these experiences??

 

And what do they do/project to make themselves not fall victim?

 

TFY

[MoreCoffee]

Ya know, people are real **** sometimes. I've always had hope for mankind, but maybe we need another ice age to fix stuff.

[GemmaUK]

I guess it begs the question then...Why are there (attractive or not) some women that never really share these experiences??

 

And what do they do/project to make themselves not fall victim?

 

TFY

 

The more serious/scary things I posted about above I told a few friends about 'at the time' I don't see them as anything I would need to bring up when dating someone - though I may well tell them if they had happened while I was dating.

 

Cat calls though - they're far too common to even bother a mention. They aren't conversation worthy, if you were to tell a female friend she would just roll her eyes and nod

- the same thing has likely happened to her in the past few days too.

 

I just don't bother telling anyone about cat calls as they are so run of the mill for everyone.

[2sunny]

Since that common denominator is you - then you must be doing something(s) that allow them to assume you're going to play along.

 

Body language and eye contact come to mind first. Have you asked a trusted friend to review with you what your body movements say about you? If not, it's very useful.

 

Watch how close you are to others

Watch how much you fidget - especially what your hands are doing and if your shoulders are turned toward the other person.

Are your feet pointed toward the other person?

 

Be aware of yourself. Your signals must be giving off energy that says "come mess with me".

 

Since it's so consistent it must be you. Ask a therapist to work with you on boundaries.

 

I used to be you - I've done some massive work that helped me be healthier and to send out healthy signals to others. It took a lot of effort to be mindful of every word and every action I made.

 

The body tells a lot without saying a thing. But the most effective way to send a message is simply "no".

 

That cop flirted with you because you invited it. Stop inviting that kind of attention.

 

 

Please do explain in detail how you reacted. I'd like to know.

 

And remember - there's no reason to reaction unless there's an action.

 

Shutting down the negative action before it begins is key.

 

Saving only THAT kind of "flirting" for the one you truly are interested in will help you build a healthy relationship.

[leavesonautumn]

I guess it begs the question then...Why are there (attractive or not) some women that never really share these experiences??

 

And what do they do/project to make themselves not fall victim?

 

TFY

 

Simple, they just haven't shared their experiences with you.

 

I'm not a fan of the victim blaming that you are implying. I know you are not saying anyone deserves to be treated badly but you are suggesting that the women on this board who have shared their experiences are doing "something" or not doing "something" to be treated this way. Instead we should focus on how to shift the blame to the men/women treating people like this. Maybe this is one of the reasons we don't talk about it with men.

[HeartDesires]

Afterwards, we were sitting in his car and while I’m chatting away I notice he was masturbating himself under his coat.

 

.......uhmm excuse me while I vomit

[2sunny]

If I want to be the victim I stay focused on what happened.

 

If I intend to break FREE from the victim role I must do everything in MY power to CHANGE myself and the image I project that attracts that kind of negative energy.

 

 

Is that you in your profile picture? Do you see how that's a picture that's sultry/seductive?

 

Your legs show all the way to your ass and you have a body language that screams "come hither".

 

It's you more than them. Change you if you don't want that slutty attention.

[thefooloftheyear]

Simple, they just haven't shared their experiences with you.

 

I'm not a fan of the victim blaming that you are implying. I know you are not saying anyone deserves to be treated badly but you are suggesting that the women on this board who have shared their experiences are doing "something" or not doing "something" to be treated this way. Instead we should focus on how to shift the blame to the men/women treating people like this. Maybe this is one of the reasons we don't talk about it with men.

 

I already said several times that its unacceptable...

 

I dont know how you can exptrapolate the fact that I am victim blaming??...All I am saying is that I know women that dont get this type of attention...I believe others on the thread said the same thing..

 

And I dont know why, thats why I asked..

 

Its like this...I am friendly and gregarious to those that know me, customers, etc...At the same time, I dont like to engage in "small talk" with strangers....You know...when someone of the same sex you dont know says "man this weather sucks, right?" or "how about that game last night!!"....I dont ever get that type of back and forth, because something I am projecting is saying to these strangers that I really dont feel like talking to them...Works every time....never have to say a word...

 

Otherwise I dont know...thats why i ask..

 

TFY

[2sunny]

I already said several times that its unacceptable...

 

I dont know how you can exptrapolate the fact that I am victim blaming??...All I am saying is that I know women that dont get this type of attention...I believe others on the thread said the same thing..

 

And I dont know why, thats why I asked..

 

Its like this...I am friendly and gregarious to those that know me, customers, etc...At the same time, I dont like to engage in "small talk" with strangers....You know...when someone of the same sex you dont know says "man this weather sucks, right?" or "how about that game last night!!"....I dont ever get that type of back and forth, because something I am projecting is saying to these strangers that I really dont feel like talking to them...Works every time....never have to say a word...

 

Otherwise I dont know...thats why i ask..

 

TFY

 

It has nothing to do with attractiveness.

 

It has everything to do with the energy signals a

person gives off.

 

 

When any person stops giving off those signals - that perpetrator goes looking for the victim that shows the vulnerable signs they look for.

 

 

You can portray yourself as a woman of strength, courage and poise - or as a weak, flirty victim type. A perpetrator will go for the weak one every time.

[2sunny]

The title to your thread says a lot!

 

I can't imagine anyone choosing that word "slutty" - sexy, yes - slutty, no.

 

The word slutty covers so many indicators that say you ask for it.

 

I hope that's not true. If it is - change EVERYTHING about yourself.

[OwMyEyeball]

The title to your thread says a lot!

 

I can't imagine anyone choosing that word "slutty" - sexy, yes - slutty, no.

 

The word slutty covers so many indicators that say you ask for it.

 

I hope that's not true. If it is - change EVERYTHING about yourself.

Even her favourite colour?

[BlueIris]

It has nothing to do with attractiveness.

 

It has everything to do with the energy signals a

person gives off.

 

When any person stops giving off those signals - that perpetrator goes looking for the victim that shows the vulnerable signs they look for.

 

You can portray yourself as a woman of strength, courage and poise - or as a weak, flirty victim type. A perpetrator will go for the weak one every time.

 

This is not true.

 

I didn't do a thing to "signal" to Grabber Boy, nor did my daughters, I am sure, or most women, just going about their business. There are some men who are just out of control, or have a Beavis & Butthead outlook on life. Add alcohol, and the B&B numbers rise. Most don't but there are definitely some.

[beach]

This is not true.

 

I didn't do a thing to "signal" to Grabber Boy, nor did my daughters, I am sure, or most women, just going about their business. There are some men who are just out of control, or have a Beavis & Butthead outlook on life. Add alcohol, and the B&B numbers rise. Most don't but there are definitely some.

 

You are describing an environment where alcohol looks like it's out of control.

 

 

That's different than the scenarios she has described.

 

If in those situations - yes, anything is possible. Best not to choose those environments - especially with kids.

[Candy_Pants]

I guess it begs the question then...Why are there (attractive or not) some women that never really share these experiences??

 

And what do they do/project to make themselves not fall victim?

 

TFY

I've had these experiences since I was 12 and walking to the bus stop. I was not projecting or doing anything besides being an innocent child.

 

Why is the onus on the victim to prevent these things???????????

[2sunny]

I would think a blatant response like "knock it off Fhead" might send a clear message that a guy is being inappropriate.

 

That - or just calling the cops... If it's warranted.

[BlueIris]

You are describing an environment where alcohol looks like it's out of control.

 

That's different than the scenarios she has described.

 

If in those situations - yes, anything is possible. Best not to choose those environments - especially with kids.

 

No, I didn't take my kids to bars or frat parties. I'd posted up-thread that I was groped at a frat party 35 years ago. My kids, in their 20's, have each been groped in bars in recent years. I think women should be able to safely go to a bar or party with friends.

 

My point was we do not give off some "invitation vibe" and many many women do not, but still have had such experiences. Absolutely sure of that.

[BlueIris]

I would think a blatant response like "knock it off Fhead" might send a clear message that a guy is being inappropriate.

 

That - or just calling the cops... If it's warranted.

 

Absolutely. And I think that is happening.

Very young girls might be afraid of being labelled some bad word, even when they're smacking the guy down is warranted. My impression is that OP and all of the women here certainly tell these guys to ____ and/or take measures. But it still happened and happens.

 

The "signal" or "invitation vibe" theory is wrong.

And even if it were true, big boys can keep their hands to themselves and mouths shut.