CarrieT Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I'm also willing to bet this "I need time" routine is to get *her* to call the relationship off, thereby relieving him of the duty of doing so. If the OP refrains from contacting him at all, I doubt she'll hear from him again. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Consider it over. Find available guys close by so you can have a real dating experience with someone. This LDR thing by phone is for the birds - he can tell you ANYTHING he wants - but it doesn't make any of it true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author madelinex Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 i guess ill just wait a week and if nothing then just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 i guess ill just wait a week and if nothing then just move on. Wait for what? It being over was already discussed. In fact, it's one time he made effort to reach you. What don't you get? You're waiting for nothing. Why don't you date others? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 madelinex, I'm sorry but there is NOTHING that he has done since your first post, that suggests he is still interested in the relationship...or the least bit concerned for your feelings or emotional-mental comfort, well-being. Also, he got defensive and reactive, bringing up your prior relationship when you asked for some sort of explanation...which you perfectly deserve. (If he's on a work visa, when does it expire?) Of course you can wait a week or two, but best for your own heart if you start preparing yourself that it is over but for the "official" pronouncement thereof. In any case I wouldn't suggest to even think about start dating for a while. (Not that you said you're considering that.) Take whatever time you need to come to terms with and move completely past all of it. I'm really sorry that it's happened this way. BIG hugs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mizz Layta Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 (edited) I think its time to move on Edited September 23, 2014 by Mizz Layta Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 OP, what have you decided to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author madelinex Posted September 25, 2014 Author Share Posted September 25, 2014 Hey guys sorry Ive been doing alot of thinking. Basically he said he needed a week long break and space to think so i gave it to him. I didnt contact him at all during that time period and lived my life applying to med school and seeing friends. He contacted me around the 8th day and he told me he never forgot about me and how he wants to be with me. He said he really likes me and Im very important to him. Things went well for a little but few days ago we didnt talk for two days. Then he contacted me again saying he was at a job interview and told me his family wants him to grow more as a person and stay in that country for a little longer and get a better job there. Long story short, hes staying there for i dont know how long. He told me he doesnt want to end things with me because he still likes me but he doesnt want to keep me waiting. He said he needs to focus on his career and he doesnt think he can be a good boyfriend when he has a lot on his plate right now. He also said when hes back and sparks still fly we can become something more serious but right now he wants to be "good friends." Of course I rejected the idea of being friends with him. I told him im sorry but that is not possible because I still have feelings and us being friends right now isnt going to be healthy for the both of us. I said I either need it white or black no gray area. Its either we make it together or break it. He said he doesnt know what to do. He doesnt want to lose me but doesnt think he is ready for a relationship because of the state he is in right now. I told him when youre happy you want to be with me but when youre stressed you throw me away, thats real low. We ended the conversation with me saying if you dont have anything to say to me, Im going to sleep goodbye. He still ok stay safe ill message you again soon, we are good friends right? and i said no i dont want to be your friend, dont contact me again Goodbye. And he wrote dont be like this please. goodnight. I dont know. As much as i like him i think its better for me to move on and find a man thats closer to me and focus on my career. I feel like him saying he doesnt have time for a relationship is a cop out. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 As much as i like him i think its better for me to move on and find a man thats closer to me and focus on my career. I feel like him saying he doesnt have time for a relationship is a cop out. What do you guys think? Yes, you made the right decision. You can't be friends when you are emotionally attached and this man pursuing a friendship is for his benefit and not in your best interest. LDRs are difficult to sustain. Even worse is when you're dealing with someone that is non-committal and isn't wanting a relationship. What else is there to hold on to. It will only string you along and hurt you. His intent is irrelevant. He is telling you he doesn't want a relationship with you. And who knows what he's doing over there in terms of seeing other women, dating, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 what do you guys think? m o v e o n o k? v e r y c l e a r e n d o f s t o r y o v e r ! n o m o r e b s 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 I think he stated it's over very clearly. And then wanted to let you down gently with the offer of "friends". It was good you said no to that. Now focus on your school and dating a real man who is close to you and can take you OUT on REAL dates! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 You absolutely did the right thing. And - as you correctly stated - you cannot be "just friends" with someone for whom you have strong feelings but can't be with romantically. Be strong and the pain won't last too long. Stay NC. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 Sorry to hear this update, OP. But it was coming; his disappearance and total lack of regard for your feelings about it clearly indicated he'd checked out of the relationship already. You're doing the right thing by not accepting his friendship. You won't be able to move on if he's in your life like that. He's trying to make himself feel less guilty by breaking up with you, but he still wants to it end. He's shady and was giving you BS excuses about going MIA, not returning quickly, etc, etc. Now you know why (more or less) Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 As much as i like him i think its better for me to move on and find a man thats closer to me and focus on my career. I feel like him saying he doesnt have time for a relationship is a cop out. What do you guys think? I think that I agree with your assessment 100%! He said to you a few times that he "likes" you...that's just not good enough, is it? I can't even figure-out why he doesn't just make a clean break...cowardice? wanting to keep you on the back-burner? wanting you to be all miserable and confused, wondering what's going on and where you stand? Who knows? But I'm glad that you're not falling for whatever it is. You are absolutely right to decide to just go 'cold turkey' as it were, and tell him to stuff it. If it helps you to get him out of your heart and head any faster, we might suspect that he knew all of this a helluva lot longer than when he deigned to tell you the truth of it. I know it still sucks, even if he has turned out to be a jerk. Many big hugs to you, madelinex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author madelinex Posted September 26, 2014 Author Share Posted September 26, 2014 He messaged me today and said hes sorry for hurting me but he wants to talk. So i gave him the chance for him to say everything he needs to. He said hes been depressed with his life and sometimes he wants to end his life. He is getting kicked out of his house and has to find a new job, havent seen his family in more than a year and he feels so alone and depressed he started getting bad thoughts in his head. I listened to him and asked him why did you push me away when this is the time you need someone to be there for you the most. He said its because he doesnt know when he will be back and he doesnt want to get his and my hopes up. I dont know what to think anymore. Im scared hes gonna be so depressed hes going to do something bad... Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 26, 2014 Share Posted September 26, 2014 You are not responsible for his happiness. And, honestly, I believe his words are manipulative to keep you on a leash as a safety blanket. Don't fall for it. This is another good reason to have stayed No Contact. There was no reason to give him a chance "for him to say what he needed to say." His actions were sufficient. If he "does something drastic" it is not because you didn't stay with him. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted September 26, 2014 Share Posted September 26, 2014 I don't know, but this guy makes no sense. Why did he even resign? Why did he quit his job?? I thought the only reason was in order to leave the country to be back home with you........... Anyway, just stay NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author madelinex Posted September 26, 2014 Author Share Posted September 26, 2014 if he messages me, do i just not respond? I feel bad because hes going through alot and doesnt have friends to talk to. I guess i feel pity and sympathy? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 26, 2014 Share Posted September 26, 2014 (edited) if he messages me, do i just not respond? I feel bad because hes going through alot and doesnt have friends to talk to. I guess i feel pity and sympathy? Well, you're human after all. Of course you're having an emotional response. But please keep in mind he didn't any f*cks about you when he disappeared for a week with god knows who, doing god knows what. Remember that he displayed little to no sympathy for your worries and had even cooked up a nice story complete with picture "evidence" to throw you off. Listen to the other posters here. I have to agree that he's being manipulative and tugging on your heart strings to keep you around. He has not been honest with you about a lot up to this point. Did things not work out with a new girl over there or something, so now he's suddenly wanting to get in touch with you? Sorry to put that thought in your head, but it's what came to my mind first upon hearing this. If you genuinely believe he's going to hurt himself, contact the same friend you did before (the one who apparently didn't know where he was either) and inform him that you are concerned. Tell your ex you will contact emergency services in his locality if he speaks about harming himself one more time. And be prepared to follow through if he does. Edited September 26, 2014 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 26, 2014 Share Posted September 26, 2014 if he messages me, do i just not respond? I feel bad because hes going through alot and doesnt have friends to talk to. I guess i feel pity and sympathy? Yes, just do not respond. He's going through a lot; I'm going through a lot; you're going through a lot. What he is going through and what I am going through is NOT your burden to carry, madelinex. He has done nothing in recent times, to earn your empathy, understanding or compassion. You can SEND him good vibes through the 'airwaves', but that does not mean to also put yourself in harm's way of having physical contact. You deserve your own compassion and empathy. It would not be compassionate of you to put yourself in harm's way, which is all that continued contact with him is to you, right now. See how you feel in three months. Then, if it feels okay and comfortable and wise, ONLY THEN consider extending your precious friendship to him. Just because HE did not recognizing the value and worth of your friendship, does not mean that YOU need to devalue it and make it worthless (by giving it away carelessly and unwisely). Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 26, 2014 Share Posted September 26, 2014 if he messages me, do i just not respond? I feel bad because hes going through alot and doesnt have friends to talk to. I guess i feel pity and sympathy? I understand you feel sorry for him, but you cannot be in contact. Feeling pity and sympathy for him at the expense of your own emotional health is absolutely foolish. He made the decision to stay there and "focus on his career" and live his life. He said that himself. So he can't be that depressed whereby he's choosing to stay in another country and make the conscious choice to be away from his family and you. And after all the boo hooing, he still tells you that he doesn't want you to keep your hopes up. So even after that, you want to be his fallback? His crutch? Stay NC. He's being manipulative. Link to post Share on other sites
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