Author madelinex Posted September 11, 2014 Author Share Posted September 11, 2014 (edited) Well he apologized and we talked after. I guess I really should bring up the camping trip. I should have asked when he first told me as someone mentioned in one of the answer. I didnt want to sound like a nagging girlfriend and interrogate him. Should I just ask him who and where did he go? By the way we had a talk about this before cause he seemed to not care. I can say hey I'm going out with 5 guys and I'm the only girl there and we are going to go drink. He will say ok have fun! Be safe. I asked him why he doesn't question me if I'm out. He never asks who and where I am.. And he said it's cause i trust you and I'm not insecure Im not going to be the boyfriend who questions u all the time. Hes like im not your father and I trust you will make good decisions. I dont know if it's a good or a bad thing. I guess its good cause he trusts me but bad cause sometimes I feel like he doesnt give two craps about what I do. Edited September 11, 2014 by madelinex Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 11, 2014 Share Posted September 11, 2014 I can't see how this is a good match. Your so afraid to communicate with him. To the point where you're just not being yourself or true to yourself by asking the questions you need answers to. It's more like you're afraid of what you might find. So he can call to apologize, eh? But that still doesn't mean he intends to change his behavior. Did you tell him you need to feel secure in the relationship? Did you tell him he needs to make more effort for you to feel secure? Link to post Share on other sites
Author madelinex Posted September 11, 2014 Author Share Posted September 11, 2014 I did and he said "why do you need so much reassurance? I know you got screwed over in the past by this and that guy but u can't bring that baggage onto me. I never cheated on you and I always tell you how much I like you so I don't think it's necessary to reassure you all the time." But for me actions speak louder than words.... Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted September 11, 2014 Share Posted September 11, 2014 I did and he said "why do you need so much reassurance? I know you got screwed over in the past by this and that guy but u can't bring that baggage onto me. I never cheated on you and I always tell you how much I like you so I don't think it's necessary to reassure you all the time." But for me actions speak louder than words.... And they should. If you want to know who a person really is and what you mean to them, pay attention to how they treat you as opposed to what they say. Best, TMichaels 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 11, 2014 Share Posted September 11, 2014 And they should. If you want to know who a person really is and what you mean to them, pay attention to how they treat you as opposed to what they say. Best, TMichaels He's not treating her like she's the love of his life. He's treating her more like she's not that important. Notice he found a way to call when he knew you were mad? Sheez, this guy just really doesn't understand how a woman should be treated. And why do you need to be patient with a guy who doesn't get it? He can say he hasn't cheated on you all he wants. Maybe he hasn't. But it sure doesn't look like he's totally into you either. It's not that I think he's cheated. It's more that he just treats you like you're not that important. And don't expect him to get better at that. After all the bar being set this low has been acceptable so far. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 11, 2014 Share Posted September 11, 2014 (edited) Well he apologized and we talked after. I guess I really should bring up the camping trip. I should have asked when he first told me as someone mentioned in one of the answer. I didnt want to sound like a nagging girlfriend and interrogate him. Should I just ask him who and where did he go? By the way we had a talk about this before cause he seemed to not care. I can say hey I'm going out with 5 guys and I'm the only girl there and we are going to go drink. He will say ok have fun! Be safe. I asked him why he doesn't question me if I'm out. He never asks who and where I am.. And he said it's cause i trust you and I'm not insecure Im not going to be the boyfriend who questions u all the time. Hes like im not your father and I trust you will make good decisions. I dont know if it's a good or a bad thing. I guess its good cause he trusts me but bad cause sometimes I feel like he doesnt give two craps about what I do. Why are you so afraid to ask him? What is it that you don't want to discover? He's supposed to be your boyfriend, who is committed and loyal and respectful. He is not behaving that way. He's making you feel insecure and unimportant. You need to find a backbone and ask the difficult questions - that's not nagging; it's standing up for yourself. If you don't, he'll assume it's fine and he'll do it again. But ultimately, it doesn't sound as though he's anywhere near as invested as you are. Edited September 11, 2014 by ExpatInItaly 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author madelinex Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Well he said he needs time to think. He has a lot going on bc he doesnt have money to come back to the states. He doesnt have the money to buy a plane ticket. Also hes in debt to a friend so he needs to pay it off as well. I just dknt like how he pushes me away when hes stressed about things. He says give him so time to think and he willcontact me soon when hes ready to explain everything. I told him hey if u dont have the time to be in a relationship then just tell me. If you want to break up, you can say so. He said no its not that, I dknt have a problem with you but I need time to think everything through and be alone. I asked him how much time and he said I doMt know but I'll contact you soon. I dont understand If he doesn't want to be with me, why doesn't he just say so? It might have nothing to do with me but pushing me away makes it seem like he doesnt want to be with me... Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 He basically did break up with you. Telling you he needs time to be alone is a breakup. Some people don't like being confrontational or seeing someone else fall apart, so they take the coward's way out of not even telling the truth. He's pulling a fade. I think you should focus on being single for a while, work on your insecurity issues, and spend time with friends. He is right about one thing, and that is that you shouldn't be bringing past baggage into future relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 That's the run-around way of breaking up. Some people can't come forward and just give it to you because of the guilt they have with hurting your feelings. So, they give you the half baked I need time, I need to think, I will be back to explain, etc. Time for you to let go and treat it as an ending. I know you are hurt but you're going to get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author madelinex Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 I know I will get through this because Ive been through much worse in the past. Getting dumped by a guy who i dated for 3 years cause he cheated on me and yet I am still alive and well haha He did say, dont worry im not gonna leave you in the dark. If i want to break up, I would just say so instead of giving you false hope. He said he has a lot on his mind and he doesnt like talking to anybody at that state. He said he likes to think on his own first before saying things or expressing himself and he will let me know when everything is certain and he knows what to say. I gave him so many opportunites to end things with me because I though he didnt want to hurt my feelings so i said if you dont think we can work out, ill do the ending for you. He said no its not that. Just give me some time to think and then ill be ready to say everything. I dont want to jump the gun and think oh we are done without a proper explanation. Maybe hes depressed or bipolar? I am not too sure.. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 he said "why do you need so much reassurance? I know you got screwed over in the past by this and that guy but u can't bring that baggage onto me. Wow. This is sooo rude, it's unacceptable to me. How could you stand being talked to like that? You need to stand up for yourself more. You seem to be too passive with this guy. Well he said he needs time to think. He has a lot going on bc he doesnt have money to come back to the states. He doesnt have the money to buy a plane ticket. Also hes in debt to a friend so he needs to pay it off as well. Does he gamble or something? How come he's so in debt? Were you in the dark about this all?? He was going to get his last paycheck this week, right? Or next week. Just to realize now that he has not money. I bet he was kind of avoiding you. You would have asked if he bought the plane ticket, or when he was going to buy it, or asking about his plans, and his date of arrival... and all that could have only made him uncomfortable, since now he's not even sure when or if he's even coming there. Maybe he ended up in some bad circle? Anyway, this all sounds bad. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author madelinex Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 No hes not into gambling. His mom is a single mom and he borrowed money so he can pay for her rent and bills since she doesnt make much money. And the plane ticket situation, he thought his company was going to pay for his plane ticket back but they said no they cant do that because hes leaving for good. If he was coming back to just visit then they would provide him with the money but since thats not the case they told him hes on his own with the ticket. So all of a sudden he has to fork up 2000 dollars in a span of 2 weeks and pay off couple thousand dollars to his friend before he leaves the country, all in a span of two weeks. He said he tried looking for a job for the time being but noone wants to hire him only for 2 weeks. I know hes been stressed but i didnt think he would tell me he needs time to think. If anything I offered to help him out a bit and he said noo i would never ask money from you because I am the boyfriend and youre the girlfriend. The boyfriend is supposed to support the girlfriend,not the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Well he said he needs time to think. He has a lot going on bc he doesnt have money to come back to the states. He doesnt have the money to buy a plane ticket. Also hes in debt to a friend so he needs to pay it off as well. I just dknt like how he pushes me away when hes stressed about things. He says give him so time to think and he willcontact me soon when hes ready to explain everything. I told him hey if u dont have the time to be in a relationship then just tell me. If you want to break up, you can say so. He said no its not that, I dknt have a problem with you but I need time to think everything through and be alone. I asked him how much time and he said I doMt know but I'll contact you soon. I dont understand If he doesn't want to be with me, why doesn't he just say so? It might have nothing to do with me but pushing me away makes it seem like he doesnt want to be with me... You're right. He doesn't want to be with you. That's your clear signal that your not his priority. Start dating men who make effort for you. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 His mom is a single mom and he borrowed money so he can pay for her rent and bills since she doesnt make much money. So how can she survive if he leaves the country? This sounds like BS. To return the favor, can't he ask her the money for the ticket? he thought his company was going to pay for his plane ticket back but they said no they cant do that Well, this sounds like double BS. Don't you think he had to ask before quitting his job? And work another month if necessary? Now he has no job anymore. Actually, I thought he had found a new job already, that he would have started once back. While now it seems he has no other job on his hands. I offered to help him out a bit and he said noo i would never ask money from you because I am the boyfriend and youre the girlfriend. The boyfriend is supposed to support the girlfriend,not the other way around. BS #3. You could give him the money and he would give it back to you once he's back and working. But you know what? I guess you shouldn't give him any money, because I don't see clearly into this. Everything sounds quite fishy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author madelinex Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 i dont understand does wanting time to think always indicate something bad?Maybe he needs to think about his future and see whats going to do for a living and then tell me whats going on. or maybe he really wants to end things with me. I recently lost my aunt who was like a second mom to me 3 months ago and I was so depressed i told him the same thing. I dont wanna talk to anyone right now. I just want to be alone and mourn. In my opinion, there are different reasons why people want time to think. I guess alot of guys who pull the i need time card ends up leaving the girl like a fade out but its not for all the cases no? Link to post Share on other sites
HeartDesires Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 You're right, this is not always the case. Maybe this is just the way he manages stress...I'm kinda like that, I ask for space because I don't want to burden my partner with all my personal problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 i dont understand does wanting time to think always indicate something bad?Maybe he needs to think about his future and see whats going to do for a living and then tell me whats going on. or maybe he really wants to end things with me. I recently lost my aunt who was like a second mom to me 3 months ago and I was so depressed i told him the same thing. I dont wanna talk to anyone right now. I just want to be alone and mourn. In my opinion, there are different reasons why people want time to think. I guess alot of guys who pull the i need time card ends up leaving the girl like a fade out but its not for all the cases no? Regardless, you treat it as an ending. He is making the decision to step away from the relationship because he cannot fully invest in it. Whether he truly needs time to think or whether it is a fade out, you let him go because you do not want to be sitting around and waiting for someone to decide your fate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author madelinex Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 But if the man is worth it, it doesnt hurt to wait for around a week no? I dont think ill be wasting a whole lot of time to wait a week. I mean if he took few months or a year i would def move on but he said he'll contact me soon. am i just being stupid cause its really over? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 How old are you two? Honestly, when a guy "needs time to think," it usually means they are trying to find the right words to end it. By confronting him off-the-bat about it, he was caught off guard and didn't have the right words and you also took the power and control of the situation away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Too many things don't add up, can't you see it? He had everything planned and quit is job. But oh, wait a second, after he quit his job he realizes he has no money to buy the ticket. He gets his last paycheck and what, it's vanished before you know it. He was avoiding you because he didn't know how to tell you that: 1) he has no money to come to you as he told you he had planned 2) he doesn't know when or if he will have that money, because he doesn't have a job anymore 3) he cannot find any job that would give him the money to move back to you Furthermore, he lied about all this, leaving you in the dark. And cherry on top, with all this mess what, he goes camping for a week? Tell me it's a joke. You must be smarter than this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 But if the man is worth it, it doesnt hurt to wait for around a week no? I dont think ill be wasting a whole lot of time to wait a week. I mean if he took few months or a year i would def move on but he said he'll contact me soon. am i just being stupid cause its really over? I think it's over. I think it was over when he went camping. Maybe he just has a difficult time actually saying it. But what he did say indicates he has no firm plan to invest in your relationship = it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 But if the man is worth it, it doesnt hurt to wait for around a week no? I dont think ill be wasting a whole lot of time to wait a week. I mean if he took few months or a year i would def move on but he said he'll contact me soon. am i just being stupid cause its really over? Aside from him having no consideration or thought for you when he just disappeared to go have a fun camping trip with his friends, and the fact that he gaslights you to make you feel bad, the fact that when you first started this thread he was avoiding your contact -- what makes him worth it? If you want to sit for a week and stare at your phone because you're waiting for someone to choose you, then you can do that. But all you would have done is prolong your anxiety. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he really wants time to think about it. I believe that "camping trip" was his way of detaching from you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author madelinex Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Im 24 hes 25. I guess he's not in the right time to be in a relationship or he sucks at it. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I'm willing to bet that he actually HAS a job and is already living or involved with another woman. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I'm willing to bet that he actually HAS a job and is already living or involved with another woman. I believe so as well. That disappearing "camping trip" act was very telling. Link to post Share on other sites
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