Wife MAY have searched OM's Instagram while trying to reconcile

[DKT3]

Wait..what? This person who cheated on you then went on to tell you every now and then she thinks fondly about the guy she betrayed you for in every which way?

 

I don't get it? If your wife is truly committed to you..she should be thinking of the OM as a piece of utter trash and nothing more. So I am hoping you are talking about how Lovin might of felt in the past about this, because if what you are saying in terms of "time to time she has fond memories of the dude she cheated with" is still happening in the present? Then there is a huge huge problem.

 

First she hasn't seen or talked to that cat in over 5 years. Secondly this was awhile ago.

 

None of that is the point. Sure it sucked hearing it, you know what would have been worse her hiding those feelings or thoughts. As I've said all along here on LS sometimes honesty hurts, yet knowing the truth always allows for making the best decisions. She gave me an honest look at what I was getting (re)involved with.

[BetrayedH]

Sure it sucked hearing it, you know what would have been worse her hiding those feelings or thoughts. As I've said all along here on LS sometimes honesty hurts, yet knowing the truth always allows for making the best decisions. She gave me an honest look at what I was getting (re)involved with.

 

It's hard to over-emphasize how many points honesty buys (at least with me).

 

I read a study once that saw twice as many married couples together at the two year mark (70%) when the affair was confessed as compared to when it was instead discovered (35%). When you remove the lies, it seems that people are more inclined to be able to forgive. And I'd say that's a big margin.

 

I suppose whether you "should" reconcile with someone who still harbors feelings for an AP is one question. Personally, I would have found it completely disingenuous of my wife if she'd claimed she didn't have any feelings for the OM. She's a woman and she was sleeping with the guy. Odds are pretty good that she had feelings. Do you reconcile while her feelings are unresolved (which again seems a forgone conclusion when dealing with a woman coming out of an affair)? Or do you see it as a fog that needs to clear? I'm not sure but being rid of the lies and deceit has to make it easier to decide. I also tend to think the (sometimes brutal) honesty helps restore trust, probably faster than anything else.

 

Like I said, it buys big bonus points with me.

Edited August 31, 2014 by BetrayedH

[katielee]

"I read a study once that saw twice as many married couples together at the two year mark (70%) when the affair was confessed as compared to when it was instead discovered (35%). When you remove the lies, it seems that people are more inclined to be able to forgive. And I'd say that's a big margin. "

 

 

sorry t/j here: my God, the odds of us staying together are quite low. One confession and two catchings. sigh....

 

good luck OP!!

[DKT3]

"I read a study once that saw twice as many married couples together at the two year mark (70%) when the affair was confessed as compared to when it was instead discovered (35%). When you remove the lies, it seems that people are more inclined to be able to forgive. And I'd say that's a big margin. "

 

 

sorry t/j here: my God, the odds of us staying together are quite low. One confession and two catchings. sigh....

 

good luck OP!!

 

Stats are good tools in understanding what your dealing with since human behavior will for the most part follow a pattern. However it shouldn't play a roll (while maybe small) in the decision to R or the success of your marriage moving forward.

[katielee]

I know that dk3 but when I get in here and complain how impossible things are, it makes sense.

[atreides]

I am late on this thread, but wanted to add to the discussion between WW and BH... in that "it is normal" or "it's not a light switch"

 

Ironically crossing the line is exactly that, it is that moment, the switch, that all opportunity costs are weighed along with the risks that says "go for it" or "no, this is wrong"

 

Moreover, so many confuse love for the chemical rush they experience because an affair is never the whole of life with the tests of the mundane but simply the vacation side.

 

all too often waywards want to say they did not see it coming or any plethora amount of things to deflect but it really is down to one moment when the line is crossed into the realm of infidelity, the switch was turned on. I have created threads discussing that moment... it is the catalyst.

 

in my opinion therefore, the wayward has an option to again weigh all the opportunity costs and risks in trying to reconcile with the spouse they betrayed.... thus there is no exception as to say it is a normal reaction... which leads me to recount other things in life that may be a "normal reaction" but unacceptable

[jm2013]

Ok, glad you are happy with the outcome. What does this mean?

 

I think his picture came up under "other apps" which would be from instagram. I am not sure why it was even pulling his pic up.

 

The software was pulling all the profile pics from Instagram. Though they do not follow each other. I don't get it completely but I feel it was out of her realm. His profiles picture wasn't the only one on there. There were like 20 profile pics of random people we know and some we haven't spoken to in forever. I did believe her though. It was kind of interesting. I am like 90 something % when I know she's telling a lie. She's got this little thing she does and it is easy for me to tell she's lying. Those were indicators a long time ago but I didn't want to believe it just like and other BS. But I got really good with analyzing her after the crap storm. Thanks everybody for chiming in. We had a pretty good weekend. I'm glad I came out with it before the weekend festivities. I didn't want to continue to have that all bottled up. Now I need to go back to my counselor and cool the flames and let him know it was all a misunderstanding.

[lovinDKT3]

Wait..what? This person who cheated on you then went on to tell you every now and then she thinks fondly about the guy she betrayed you for in every which way?

 

I don't get it? If your wife is truly committed to you..she should be thinking of the OM as a piece of utter trash and nothing more. So I am hoping you are talking about how Lovin might of felt in the past about this, because if what you are saying in terms of "time to time she has fond memories of the dude she cheated with" is still happening in the present? Then there is a huge huge problem.

 

He asked the question and I gave him an honest answer. Sure it would have be easy to be dishonest. I have been 100% honest with him since I was served with divorce papers.

 

A person can't really control what they think about, but I never ever made the smallest move towards contacting or even fishing for information about the exAP. That is within my control.

 

My thoughts about that guy are nothing today, I can honestly say he only enters my mind when I come here or IC/MC.

[thummper]

I can't personally understand why you would have any thoughts even remotely positive toward a man who destroyed your marriage!

[lovinDKT3]

I can't personally understand why you would have any thoughts even remotely positive toward a man who destroyed your marriage!

 

I was married to DKT, I destroyed our marriage. Sure OM came on strong, but I could have said no as I had to other men before. I made the decision.

 

Look this was a conversation that took place a while ago and it was honest at that time. I thought about him. I never wanted to be with him, in a relationship, during the affair. I never wanted anything from him after. It simply didn't wipe him from my memory, like you wipe out computer history.

 

I'm not a perfect woman, but I refuse to be dishonest with my thoughts and feeling with the man I love any longer. Doing that, in part lead to my affair.

[atreides]

loving, i admire the honesty... have you worked on why you would have such thoughts even now?

 

 

Allow me in part to answer, if i am wrong... do tell.

In response to thumper

I can't personally understand why you would have any thoughts even remotely positive toward a man who destroyed your marriage!

 

My take is this, especially with women.... they for whatever reason through upbringing to what is expected from personal to society levels... they want what they did in the affair is to "mean" something... even if for only a moment... they know it is a lie but believe the ability to overcome even if for a second there was something "real" it would then be worth it. The need of which in my opinion is quite silly... but they need closure.. .many times a total disconnect is an affront to all they hold dear even if it is in of itself a contradiction to all things ethical and moral, the contradiction is to insist that while it was a lie.. at the same time it was not and that they meant something in the affair.

 

We cannot be thought police and i appreciate loving's honesty but when thoughts become actions such as searching on the internet for a photo as with the OP, it is outside of the realm of discipline to respect the betrayed spouses wishes of NC through action. We cannot get hung up on thought... for it is the mechanism we appreciate in all of us for when it is our time to say "go for it" or "no it is wrong" that differentiates the thought of "man she has a great arse and boy would l like to...." vs not acting upon it because it is indeed wrong.

Edited September 2, 2014 by atreides

[lovinDKT3]

loving, i admire the honesty... have you worked on why you would have such thoughts even now?

 

 

Allow me in part to answer, if i am wrong... do tell.

In response to thumper

 

 

My take is this, especially with women.... they for whatever reason through upbringing to what is expected from personal to society levels... they want what they did in the affair is to "mean" something... even if for only a moment... they know it is a lie but believe the ability to overcome even if for a second there was something "real" it would then be worth it. The need of which in my opinion is quite silly... but they need closure.. .many times a total disconnect is an affront to all they hold dear even if it is in of itself a contradiction to all things ethical and moral, the contradiction is to insist that while it was a lie.. at the same time it was not and that they meant something in the affair.

 

We cannot be thought police and i appreciate loving's honesty but when thoughts become actions such as searching on the internet for a photo as with the OP, it is outside of the realm of discipline to respect the betrayed spouses wishes of NC through action. We cannot get hung up on thought... for it is the mechanism we appreciate in all of us for when it is our time to say "go for it" or "no it is wrong" that differentiates the thought of "man she has a great arse and boy would l like to...." vs not acting upon it because it is indeed wrong.

 

I think at the time, I needed to hang on to something that was great about him, something great enough to risk and in the end lose my marriage for. If I was truly honest with myself about it, it would have meant I blew up my marriage and family for little more then a guy I had a few things in common with in terms of activities that I was passionate about and DKT had no interest in. The damage to my marriage wasn't from the OM, it was feeling (during) that I was OK if my marriage ended. It was fools gold, but gold that I needed to be pure when DKT wanted out so bad that he pretty much left with the clothes on his back and on the way out told me he wanted nothing in his life that reminded him of me except the kids.

 

I think we kinda T/J here. Sorry OP.

[Spectre]

I was married to DKT, I destroyed our marriage. Sure OM came on strong, but I could have said no as I had to other men before. I made the decision.

 

Look this was a conversation that took place a while ago and it was honest at that time. I thought about him. I never wanted to be with him, in a relationship, during the affair. I never wanted anything from him after. It simply didn't wipe him from my memory, like you wipe out computer history.

 

It almost sounds like you are making excuses for this other guy. To which I say: nope, just nope. This is not just on your shoulders, it takes two to tango, this utter scum of a man played a part in destroying your marriage. He knew you were married and just did not care so he is an utter piece of trash that..yes, you should not have a single positive thought about. If that isn't the case..there is a huge problem.

 

I realize this happened a while ago, but your post and you specifying "I" a lot when saying "I destroyed this marriage", etc. sounded like you were trying to say this other man shares none of the responsibility. The fact of the matter is: he does, and it takes an utter piece of garbage to knowingly get with a married woman. You played your role, but this other guy played his as well. He's not innocent in all this. Knowingly sleeping with a married woman is almost as trashy as cheating on your spouse.

Edited September 3, 2014 by Spectre

[aliveagain]

Was your affair worth loosing your marriage over, would you honestly give up your memories of sleazy sex with O/M if you had it to do over? I know your back together with DKT3 but is it really the same? Can he trust you the way he did when you were still innocent and only belonged to him? What message would you give to anyone contemplating an affair?

[SawtoothMars]

I think at the time, I needed to hang on to something that was great about him, something great enough to risk and in the end lose my marriage for. If I was truly honest with myself about it, it would have meant I blew up my marriage and family for little more then a guy I had a few things in common with in terms of activities that I was passionate about and DKT had no interest in. The damage to my marriage wasn't from the OM, it was feeling (during) that I was OK if my marriage ended. It was fools gold, but gold that I needed to be pure when DKT wanted out so bad that he pretty much left with the clothes on his back and on the way out told me he wanted nothing in his life that reminded him of me except the kids.

I think we kinda T/J here. Sorry OP.

 

Emotions are ephemeral. Actions are eternal.

[lovinDKT3]

We have totally jacked this thread so this is the last reply about my situation, anymore question you can ask on DKT's thread.

 

Spectre I don't give a f**k about that guy, I'm not defending him and accepting that I'm the one that betrayed my husband and marriage. It wasn't the first time a man came on to me knowing I was married. Sure he was being a scumbag, but I went along.

 

Aliveagain no it wasn't, no I would never do it again, yes I would change everything.

 

Having that affair was the worst decision of my life. I tell my story in part every time I read of a wife on the brink of and A or those involved.

 

Again, sorry OP

[Spectre]

Spectre I don't give a f**k about that guy

 

I'm not defending him and accepting that I'm the one that betrayed my husband and marriage. It wasn't the first time a man came on to me knowing I was married. Sure he was being a scumbag, but I went along.

 

I just want to say I am not trying to make you feel bad or stir up old memories. However, I am just trying to get you to understand how what you are doing could make DK feel in the here and now. I know I could never forgive my wife if she cheated.

 

However, if I was the type that *could* do so..I would be so incredibly heart broken to see her phrasing things in the way you did about this other man. So I'm sorry I am not trying to make you feel bad or jack this thread, I just want you to realize how hurtful that could potentially be.

[merrmeade]

Not to long ago she reset the phone back to factory but was still using it for a few months.

 

I'm just reread OP's first post and realize something vital seems to have been missed. If that's reawakening the thread, so be it.

 

In the very first post, JM says about his W that "not too long ago she reset the phone back to factory" settings. Then you went on for however many pages about the little picture of the OM and finally decided it came to naught.

 

I skimmed the entire thread again and several others, doing a page search for the word "phone" wherever you posted. I do not see where you pulled up deleted messages BEFORE she reset the phone to factory settings. If you didn't and she restored, there's nothing to see - except what the instagram pic; you canNOT get anything back before the time it was restored. Surely you know that. Please tell me you'd already looked before she restored it.

 

.... I hope, I hope...