Wife MAY have searched OM's Instagram while trying to reconcile

[lolablue17]

A good relationship (whether it's after an affair or with no affair at all in the background) based also on accepting reality as it is, in stead of living in a fantasy.

 

You can not sterilize your wife. You can not base your whole R on her perfection. Because she will never be perfect. She's human.

 

I found my self looking at all my Ex'es on FB out of curiosity. even those I havn't met in 30 years. It doesn't mean I still love them, or has any feelings for them. But they are in my memory. Rarely i think about them. But when I do, I'm not telling my wife. Why telling her? It's nothing, it's my memories, It belong to the past.

 

Your wife has memories. You must accept that. You cannot 100% control her thoughts. But her actions are what counts. If she makes efforts, that mean she is trying to be the best she can. It's excellent. Don't ask for perfection.

 

Of course you have the right to be suspicious and alert. If she contacted him it's an action and it's a different story. But as long it's searching him on FB or instagram out of curiosity, I recommend you to drop it.

Edited August 28, 2014 by lolablue17

[bubbaganoosh]

I know that there are some that wont agree with me on this but after reading this thread, this is why cheating is a one way ticket out of town. I don't want to here any excuses or and "I'm sorry" because if I have to live with a woman and my job now is being a warden, a PI, and having to look over my shoulder 24/7, then I want no parts of it.

 

And if I'm the one that does the cheating, then I should expect to have the same thing handed to me.

[compulsivedancer]

But, CD, remember the firestorm that ensued here when you admitted you had looked on the net for information about your AP. God, some of the posters were actually counseling your hubby to divorce you because of it. You may have thought it was harmless, but CM was more than a little put out at that and you promised not to do it again. A betrayed spouse is in a very fragile state so the ws should do everything he/she can to reassure their partner that they really are not interested in the AP.

 

I did it repeatedly up until H talked to me about it roughly a year after DDay. That is a much bigger habit of behavior. But even doing so, I didn't contact OM. I didn't restart the affair or buy a second phone to call him on. And I had a much more extensive affair than jm's wife did.

 

It also didn't mean I didn't love H and wasn't trying to reconcile. It meant that I was working through a melange of feelings about OM that included a variety of negative ones, and for five minutes every month or so, I tried to find him online and see whether he had moved on with his life.

 

NC requires a lot of willpower. Early on that is a daily battle. Later on it is a a much more sporadic battle. Be glad that she only lost that battle once, if she even did.

[anne1707]

Before this thread turns into a lets bash CD thread, please note that she is not the only WS who has done this. I came onto this thread before her to say that I had done the very same.

 

Did that mean I did not love my husband? No.

 

Did it mean I wanted the exOM? No.

 

Did it mean I was trying to deal with some emotional cr*p that I could not talk openly about? Yes

[DKT3]

So what I'm getting from CD and Anne is that we should just sit back and allow the WS to continue to seek validation from the AP. Be it in any form, this is her way of staying engaged with the man she cheated with. Maybe I'm missing something and that isn't the message that you are giving him.

 

What I find unsettling is OP fears asking because he knows his wife wouldn't be honest about it. Not knowing doesn't make it not happen. I don't think its as small an issue as some here, but not big enough to call off the R on its own.

 

JM if you don't expect she would be honest then what are you building? I've changed my veiw of this after I placed myself in your shoes, if I found that Lovin was looking up her xAP I would absolutely confront her, no sense in spending anymore allowing her to get over something she done to herself, the kids and the marriage. If she lied I would be done. I guess my issue is when does she start being a woman I could trust? And why would I continue to allow her to disrespect me in this manner?

 

Why should you pay an emotional toll because she can't control herself and focus on rebuilding your trust. Instead she continues to place you in front of the train. No matter her intent, checking to see if he moved on or whatever. How is this helping you rebuild trust or keeping you from doubting yourself for giving her a second chance.

 

Maybe its too black and white for me, but either she does or she doesn't. She caused this she made decision along the way that lead to the affair, this is yet another decision along the same lines as those.

[anne1707]

So what I'm getting from CD and Anne is that we should just sit back and allow the WS to continue to seek validation from the AP. Be it in any form, this is her way of staying engaged with the man she cheated with. Maybe I'm missing something and that isn't the message that you are giving him.

 

 

Definitely not what I said or how I interpreted CD's posts. Yes we have both done this. No it is not right. What is key is for how long this continues and with what level of frequency.

 

 

Though I am not sure how it is getting validation to any extent from the exAP when the ex AP has no idea, has not said anything or is NC

[DKT3]

Definitely not what I said or how I interpreted CD's posts. Yes we have both done this. No it is not right. What is key is for how long this continues and with what level of frequency.

 

 

Though I am not sure how it is getting validation to any extent from the exAP when the ex AP has no idea, has not said anything or is NC

 

Oh yeah its validation. Which BTW doesn't only come from words or direct actions. Maybe they leave a message saying they feel down or lost. Maybe they still have the single status. All of this validate what you shared with them was real, or that they too are missing you.

 

I don't really think time is a factor, its about commitment. Ws's have proven they aren't commited to the marriage and this is more proof that its still an issue.

 

A zebra will never be a tiger no matter what he convinces himself.

[thummper]

And I would NEVER bash CD!

[anne1707]

Oh yeah its validation. Which BTW doesn't only come from words or direct actions. Maybe they leave a message saying they feel down or lost. Maybe they still have the single status. All of this validate what you shared with them was real, or that they too are missing you.

 

I don't really think time is a factor, its about commitment. Ws's have proven they aren't commited to the marriage and this is more proof that its still an issue.

 

A zebra will never be a tiger no matter what he convinces himself.

 

 

I think I know whether I am committed to my marriage far more so than you. Do not assume so much.

[anne1707]

And I would NEVER bash CD!

 

 

Sorry thummper - it was more because I have seen past threads which have ended up with several posters coming down hard on CD. I could have phrased it better

[DKT3]

And I would NEVER bash CD!

 

I second that. I think CD and Anne are both pretty awesome. Even if I strongly disagree here. Iolk

[Sub]

If I ask her about this and it is denied and she lies about this I won't know where to go from there. That would imply she still feels lying to me and hiding these things from me to not hurt me is still the best solution.

 

If you ask her about this, and she lies about it, then you make changes. Separate, divorce, go to counseling, etc. Obviously, something would need to change. But do it now. Don't wait to see if it continues so you can compile evidence and then drop the hammer later on. That's no way to live, IMO. Draw the line asap. If she admits to it and has an explanation, it could open up a whole other dialogue between the two of you about those possible lingering feelings.

[jm2013]

If you ask her about this, and she lies about it, then you make changes. Separate, divorce, go to counseling, etc. Obviously, something would need to change. But do it now. Don't wait to see if it continues so you can compile evidence and then drop the hammer later on. That's no way to live, IMO. Draw the line asap. If she admits to it and has an explanation, it could open up a whole other dialogue between the two of you about those possible lingering feelings.

 

I was considering bringing it up at MC today. I'm on the fence. Last night I wasn't able to hook her phone in again and validate the picture 1:1 to make sure I'm 100% correct. I'm pretty sure though. I also ask myself how memorable this event would be for her if I did ask. I am thinking about approaching it a little different tonight and asking her directly if she still thinks about him and how he's doing in life. And I will probably also ask if she has searched him out. Even just looking at pictures to see how he's doing or where he's at in life right now. If this is all denied I just might come out with what I do know instead of dragging this on. I don't have any other proof besides that one small picture so I can only speculate. She may have perhaps thought about it, pulled it up then asked herself what the hell she was doing.

[DKT3]

I think I know whether I am committed to my marriage far more so than you. Do not assume so much.

 

Not what I'm saying. When you were engaged in the affair you couldn't have been committed to your marriage. During the fallout maybe you wanted to be committed but honestly if you were still seeking out the AP how is that commitment towards your marriage? You can't commit to travel east and west at the same time.

 

This isn't about me saying you Anne weren't committed, its about knowing when to draw the line. I personally have a hard time with someone saying they are committed and would never do anything to hurt you then going in the other room and obsessing about the very thing that is ripping us apart.

 

As BS's we didn't ask for any of this, it was dropped on our heads then took over our lives. All we control is what we are willing to accept, or how we will move forward. Seeking out the xAP isn't helping in the moving forward together department. Therefore it shows a lack of commitment.

 

Agree to disagree?

[Buckeye2]

I did it repeatedly up until H talked to me about it roughly a year after DDay. That is a much bigger habit of behavior. But even doing so, I didn't contact OM. I didn't restart the affair or buy a second phone to call him on. And I had a much more extensive affair than jm's wife did.

 

It also didn't mean I didn't love H and wasn't trying to reconcile. It meant that I was working through a melange of feelings about OM that included a variety of negative ones, and for five minutes every month or so, I tried to find him online and see whether he had moved on with his life.

 

NC requires a lot of willpower. Early on that is a daily battle. Later on it is a a much more sporadic battle. Be glad that she only lost that battle once, if she even did.

 

I understand the point CD is making and it’s valid. The counterpoint is that the WS is on probation and they broke it. Also the WS knows what they’re thinking when they look up their former AP, the BS doesn’t. It’s just like the affair itself. The WS knows everything that went on and their thinking at the time. It’s all new to the BS on D day.

[BetrayedH]

I was considering bringing it up at MC today. I'm on the fence. Last night I wasn't able to hook her phone in again and validate the picture 1:1 to make sure I'm 100% correct. I'm pretty sure though. I also ask myself how memorable this event would be for her if I did ask. I am thinking about approaching it a little different tonight and asking her directly if she still thinks about him and how he's doing in life. And I will probably also ask if she has searched him out. Even just looking at pictures to see how he's doing or where he's at in life right now. If this is all denied I just might come out with what I do know instead of dragging this on. I don't have any other proof besides that one small picture so I can only speculate. She may have perhaps thought about it, pulled it up then asked herself what the hell she was doing.

 

Sounds like a mistake to me. Just like a new BS searching for the truth, I would exercise patience. Avoid the temptation to confront. It serves no purpose but to reveal your methods and allow them to cover their crap. Find out what you're dealing with. There's no reason to make a pitiful accusation at tonight's MC.

[Sub]

She may have perhaps thought about it, pulled it up then asked herself what the hell she was doing.

 

There are a lot of possible scenarios, and you could drive yourself nuts considering them all and speculating. My wife googling the OM was in a way a positive thing. It meant she hadn't been in contact with him to that point. I know the flip side is that it may have been her way to get in contact at that moment, getting his info maybe. But we talked about it. Her feelings toward him at that point were more negative than anything. And I could relate. I've looked him up before as well. I know it's kind of a weakness, but as time's gone on, it's become less of an issue.

[Sub]

Avoid the temptation to confront. It serves no purpose but to reveal your methods and allow them to cover their crap.

I think if this is the approach, don't bother reconciling. Are we dealing with a woman the OP loves and wants to be with, or an adversary in a chess match?

 

 

There's no reason to make a pitiful accusation at tonight's MC.

It can be addressed without it being an accusation, IMO.

[BetrayedH]

I think if this is the approach, don't bother reconciling. Are we dealing with a woman the OP loves and wants to be with, or an adversary in a chess match?

 

It can be addressed without it being an accusation, IMO.

 

I happen to subscribe to the concept of "trust but verify." It's a natural consequence for a wayward that chose to betray their spouse. She made herself an adversary and is asking for a second chance. The wayward can accept that they need to rebuild trust or they can also choose not to reconcile. The fact is that the lack of trust is a scenario which the wayward created; the BS doesn't ask to be hypervigilant or paranoid. When the BS investigates and finds nothing, they both win. IMO, the hypervigilance needs to be satiated and that doesn't happen when the wayward is given opportunities to lie, deny, minimize, and gaslight. It happens when the BS is allowed to investigate and verify that there is indeed no reason to be alarmed. A rushed confrontation (choose a different term if you like) with nothing but speculation and that's easy to dodge really accomplishes squat.

[BetrayedH]

Are we dealing with a woman the OP loves and wants to be with, or an adversary in a chess match?

 

THAT is a great question. I suggest that the OP find out exactly which of those two scenarios he's actually dealing with. Is she the woman worthy of his love? Or is that just a fantasy and a facade when she's actually an adversary? If he thinks she might be an adversary (and there's some empirical data to suggest it as a distinct possibility), I don't recommend he ask her. He should find out thru other means.

[dichotomy]

And I will probably also ask if she has searched him out. Even just looking at pictures to see how he's doing or where he's at in life right now..

 

 

NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!

 

Please....can someone put a sticky on this section called "so you suspect - or found - some evidence of cheating". And under this put "keep your cool, your mouth shut, act normal, and keep digging till you got more".

 

Never confront till you got rock solid evidence - never tip someone off as they will 1) deny 2) Don't remember 3) go underground more.

[ForeverTainted]

I think if a google search is that upsetting perhaps OP you aren't cut out for R. And that isn't a bad thing. I disagree with those that say wait. Ask her and be honest with her. But do so in a way that doesn't put her on the spot (not in MC where it is two against one). Tell her how the search made you feel. If you can't talk past this than youknow she isn't 100% open with you or you aren't ready to deal with the realities of reconciliation.

 

I also have facebooked searched my xMM. Difference is it isn't hidden from my husband because he has laid down no laws or stipulations. It doesn't bother him because he gets curious too. And xMM has contacted me to restart the fling. And once when I saw him he hinted at it. I shut him down both times akd showed my husband. Curiousity is a normal human trait. And while it breaks all the rules of NC and what not it doesn't have to have any deeper meaning than that. I got curious if his w had kicked him out finally. And one time I was curious if he had left where we work.

 

I haven't looked him up in a long time now. He hasn't contacted me to reingnite for a long time. And I am glad my H did not demand such a high level of Nc. No more affair was good enough for him. He was a good candidate for R because he never made me feel like I had to change overnight or hide anything. And he never made my actions about him.

[dichotomy]

Part II

 

Also, if the little thing you find or suspect your spouse of cheating ....is actually nothing much....(which in your case I suspect it is)...or nothing at all - then by confronting and asking your spouse what "it" is all about - you risk looking weak, insecure, suspicious, untrusting, and you will weaken your relationship more.

 

Keep digging and looking.

[jm2013]

I think if a google search is that upsetting perhaps OP you aren't cut out for R. And that isn't a bad thing. I disagree with those that say wait. Ask her and be honest with her. But do so in a way that doesn't put her on the spot (not in MC where it is two against one). Tell her how the search made you feel. If you can't talk past this than youknow she isn't 100% open with you or you aren't ready to deal with the realities of reconciliation.

 

I also have facebooked searched my xMM. Difference is it isn't hidden from my husband because he has laid down no laws or stipulations. It doesn't bother him because he gets curious too. And xMM has contacted me to restart the fling. And once when I saw him he hinted at it. I shut him down both times akd showed my husband. Curiousity is a normal human trait. And while it breaks all the rules of NC and what not it doesn't have to have any deeper meaning than that. I got curious if his w had kicked him out finally. And one time I was curious if he had left where we work.

 

I haven't looked him up in a long time now. He hasn't contacted me to reingnite for a long time. And I am glad my H did not demand such a high level of Nc. No more affair was good enough for him. He was a good candidate for R because he never made me feel like I had to change overnight or hide anything. And he never made my actions about him.

 

I don't know why but this comes off very self centered. If you caught your husband banging some hottie and you found him Googling her pics in a reconciliation would things be a little different for you? I know it's something small. But after all the betrayal it makes your wheels turn a little. IF she was as open as you were about these kinds of things I don't think I would mind. But if she's hiding it from me she knows she's doing something wrong and I do not know why she would hide it. Regaining trust is the hardest part. New things would fill me head if this were all true. Example - Did my wife really go to work today like she was supposed to? Did she go drop our daughter off at school and spend the day with him? I don't know.. This is all just way more uncomforting now. I know I'm more than likely over analyzing this all and letting it get the best of me.

 

Part II

 

Also, if the little thing you find or suspect your spouse of cheating ....is actually nothing much....(which in your case I suspect it is)...or nothing at all - then by confronting and asking your spouse what "it" is all about - you risk looking weak, insecure, suspicious, untrusting, and you will weaken your relationship more.

 

Keep digging and looking.

 

I have a little different view on that. Of course I don't trust her right now. I have told her that over and over and she tells me in time. Not sure how she can do something even though small like that and may lie to me and expect me to trust build. She knows better than to do this stuff from home. If anything it's all on her work computer which of course I don't have access to. She would knows this.

[ForeverTainted]

I don't know why but this comes off very self centered. If you caught your husband banging some hottie and you found him Googling her pics in a reconciliation would things be a little different for you? I know it's something small. But after all the betrayal it makes your wheels turn a little. IF she was as open as you were about these kinds of things I don't think I would mind. But if she's hiding it from me she knows she's doing something wrong and I do not know why she would hide it. Regaining trust is the hardest part. New things would fill me head if this were all true. Example - Did my wife really go to work today like she was supposed to? Did she go drop our daughter off at school and spend the day with him? I don't know.. This is all just way more uncomforting now. I know I'm more than likely over analyzing this all and letting it get the best of me.

 

 

 

I have a little different view on that. Of course I don't trust her right now. I have told her that over and over and she tells me in time. Not sure how she can do something even though small like that and may lie to me and expect me to trust build. She knows better than to do this stuff from home. If anything it's all on her work computer which of course I don't have access to. She would knows this.

If one little instagram search impolded everything then I would reconsider R. Of course she didn't say "hey honey, I looked up xMM today". He may have done it and then realized it was stupid and moved on. Not every wayward knows they are supposed to tell their spouse about something like a google search. Do you expect her to tell you everytime he thinks of him? To many people a google search is just a thought. Right or wrong it may be she didn't tell you because it was just a thought to her. A moment of curiousity that has passed.

 

Or she might have a burner phone and humping every second she has to spare. I don't know but what seems more likely to you given her current behaviour? She went on instagram in a moment of reflection or she has restarted the affair? And is this enough for you to end the marriage and move on?

 

Btw, everyone is selfish. The demands of a Bs are often very selfish. And that is okay. To most people it is justified. I am sorry my post sounds selfish. See to you googling is a bigger deal. To my husband it was just part of the process. Everyonehas different deal breakers. Maybe this is youra. But I think instead of going back into PI mode you should be honest with her about how finding this made you feel. And see if her response satifies you. Don't set her up to lie by asking first if she searched. Just straight out tell her what you found. You will know if her response is satisfactory or not.