Wife MAY have searched OM's Instagram while trying to reconcile

[jackslife]

There are plenty of posters (usually BS's) screaming "divorce her".

 

If you want R to work then you have to work at it too. Leave well alone but monitor her using the usual methods. Look, if she is going back to her bad old ways you will find out, you are attuned to all that now.

 

If she doesn't, then you are getting the R that you want.

 

One more thing, I do wonder if you have found this minute shred of evidence and want to kick off over it. You do sound a bit "did you spill my pint" as if you want to find something and thus feel justified about ending it.

 

Deep down do you want R?

[jm2013]

There are plenty of posters (usually BS's) screaming "divorce her".

 

If you want R to work then you have to work at it too. Leave well alone but monitor her using the usual methods. Look, if she is going back to her bad old ways you will find out, you are attuned to all that now.

 

If she doesn't, then you are getting the R that you want.

 

One more thing, I do wonder if you have found this minute shred of evidence and want to kick off over it. You do sound a bit "did you spill my pint" as if you want to find something and thus feel justified about ending it.

 

Deep down do you want R?

 

Of course deep down I want to reconcile. Listen, if I was banging a hottie from work and she caught me in a steamy affair she'd probably flip out if she caught me looking at her sexy pictures online. That would mean she was still in the back of my head and would probably be fantasizing about banging her. I don't want to find anything. It's more depressing that I did find "something" when I thought we were doing pretty good. We have plenty of sex, open communication and are making eachother happy. So why would this scumbag be on her mind? It's another gut punch.

Edited August 29, 2014 by jm2013

[ForeverTainted]

First of all I have massive respect for 98% of the WS's here, but this seems to be something that a lot of them just don't fully understand. Others do.

 

It may seem minor but its actions that are very similar to those that they had leading to and during the affair. Small steps going to bad places.

 

It is easy to throw stones from ivory towers but the truth is real people reconcile. I never once said he couldn't be bthered by it but merely pointed out it may not be as insedious as the gang says. One little picture on the back logs of her phone does not mean she is all on board for restarting the affair. And the OP has no idea what is on her work computer. She could be chatting it up with him daily or she could be rarely even thinking about him. If you can't use your head and logic your emotions can lead down paths you shouldn't go. And in prder to save a marriage most WS are not allowed to be honest about where they are at but just put their own turmoil aside she may not have felt like she was lying but rather dealing with her own issues.

 

Did the OP ever tell her what a google search would do to him? People preach empathy for the Bs but don't care one iota for the Ws. A consequence of an affair. But if you are wanting to reconcile i think a little empathy will help. All this punishment and trickery just makes for a toxic relationship. I think the Op should just tell her what he is feeling over this whole thing and not set her up to lie. Games and lack of communication are never good.

 

 

 

And remember, the WS is never ever allowed to even let on their thoughts have ever drifted (negative or postive) towards te AP so that is one very logical and not evil reason she didn't mention the search to him.

 

I have disagreed with you and spectre not about the Bs being hurt but rather the broad brush stroke you have painted the action with. You may know how some Bs would feel but you do not know how all WS feel or what the motive is behind the search.

[ForeverTainted]

Of course deep down I want to reconcile. Listen, if I was banging a hottie from work and she caught me in a steamy affair she'd probably flip out if she caught me looking at her sexy pictures online. That would mean she was still in the back of my head and would probably be fantasizing about banging her. I don't want to find anything. It's more depressing that I did find "something" when I thought we were doing pretty good. We have plenty of sex, open communication and are making eachother happy. So why would this scumbag be on her mind? It's another gut punch.

 

Umm seriously? Were these sexy pictures? I don't rememver that part. And sorry, almost every wayward spouse thinks anout their AP whether in a passing moment or what not. Because affairs are relationships. Unhealthy and destructive ones that you just don't forget. And remember your wife had an affair with this "scumbag" which means they are on equel turf.

[jm2013]

It is easy to throw stones from ivory towers but the truth is real people reconcile. I never once said he couldn't be bthered by it but merely pointed out it may not be as insedious as the gang says. One little picture on the back logs of her phone does not mean she is all on board for restarting the affair. And the OP has no idea what is on her work computer. She could be chatting it up with him daily or she could be rarely even thinking about him. If you can't use your head and logic your emotions can lead down paths you shouldn't go. And in prder to save a marriage most WS are not allowed to be honest about where they are at but just put their own turmoil aside she may not have felt like she was lying but rather dealing with her own issues.

 

Did the OP ever tell her what a google search would do to him? People preach empathy for the Bs but don't care one iota for the Ws. A consequence of an affair. But if you are wanting to reconcile i think a little empathy will help. All this punishment and trickery just makes for a toxic relationship. I think the Op should just tell her what he is feeling over this whole thing and not set her up to lie. Games and lack of communication are never good.

 

 

 

And remember, the WS is never ever allowed to even let on their thoughts have ever drifted (negative or postive) towards te AP so that is one very logical and not evil reason she didn't mention the search to him.

 

I have disagreed with you and spectre not about the Bs being hurt but rather the broad brush stroke you have painted the action with. You may know how some Bs would feel but you do not know how all WS feel or what the motive is behind the search.

 

I won't even set her up to lie. There should never be a setup to lie. How would that be a setup? It's a pretty clear question. "Do you think about this OM and have you or are you searching him out online to perhaps see how he's doing in life?". It's up to her how she wants to answer it. How is that setting her up to lie? She can either A) just tell the truth and talk it out with me or B) lie about it and make it appear there's a lot more to it that "just a meaningless search". See my point?

[ForeverTainted]

That's what I'm going to try and figure out this weekend. Listen, if she was like YES I briefly did X and it was on my mind I am sorry I forgot to tell you. IT wasn't a big deal to me and I apologize if you felt that way. IF and IF she goes this route I would hear it out. It would prove to be a little bit of honesty. From what I know just now it was just a small little hickup. I can usually tell when there's something wrong or my wife is suppressing something. I got a sixth send from all that went down. It's depressing to think she'd be able to pickup the lies again in her new found faith and go on with the betrayals and back stabbing.

 

 

 

It is small yeah. But I mean cmon, she'd probably remember right? Some sort of overwhelming guilt should have rushed into her system like CRAP why am I searching for him when my husband has given me another chance. This could totally destroy our work. Like I said, I have no clue as of now which route this is going to go. I can typically sniff out any bs she puts and will know by the way she acts if something is up. If she lies about this, denies it or whatever there can be no trust. What were we building all this time? See where I'm getting at? I don't know. I can't sit on here and speculate. I'll report back with what she does or says and have to think it all through. I'm just pissy right now and felt let down ever since this little hickup.

That is where many BS go wrong. You are projecting your feelings onto her. Depening on her motive she may not have realized how burning stake terrible this action was. If she was indeed lusting over his sexy photos then yeah she probably felt guilty. A quick search to see if he was still with the wife I believe doesn't fully know? Maybe not. Did you ever tell her a google search or her mind drifting to him was over your boundary?

[ForeverTainted]

I won't even set her up to lie. There should never be a setup to lie. How would that be a setup? It's a pretty clear question. "Do you think about this OM and have you or are you searching him out online to perhaps see how he's doing in life?". It's up to her how she wants to answer it. How is that setting her up to lie? She can either A) just tell the truth and talk it out with me or B) lie about it and make it appear there's a lot more to it that "just a meaningless search". See my point?

 

Well you seem pretty ticked off she thought of this OM at some point. I imgaine she will go into dage control again because by you withholding the fact you KNOW he will see saying yes will be the end of her second chance. She may be honest or not. Everyone lies. This is a test, a game, a deception to get the truth. Even if she is honest you will then have to tell her instead of being completely honest in your question you were testing her. And that will just add a strain. If people played less games and more straightforward all the cards on the table a whole lot less mess would be created.

 

It is like leaving a recovering alcoholic alone with booze and thrn getting mad when they drink. You are testing a recovering liarinstead of giving her all te facts.

 

And as you ignored most of dicthomy's good points your non open conversation without a plan has no direction. And I suppose if you want to see if she will lie and that in itself is enough to end this that will work. But even if she says yes you have already decided how you feel about this so does it matter?

[drifter777]

Again, we have the classic LS split of WW's and BH's. Everybody agrees that the discovery part of it causes angst for the BH. So this issue is not as much what it means in and of itself, but what the greater meaning actually is. BH's are saying that the very fact that she is thinking about OM enough to Google or Facebook search him is a violation of NC. That this proves she is obsessing about him and has good feelings reminiscing about him in spite of the pain and damage the whole thing had on BH. WW's are saying that it is a normal reaction after a love affair ends. That expecting the WW to turn off her thoughts about OM like a light switch is unreasonable. That it doesn't mean she is fondly fantasizing about him, only that there is likely some harmless curiosity going on.

 

I can't see this disagreement ever being resolved.

[anne1707]

Again, we have the classic LS split of WW's and BH's. Everybody agrees that the discovery part of it causes angst for the BH. So this issue is not as much what it means in and of itself, but what the greater meaning actually is. BH's are saying that the very fact that she is thinking about OM enough to Google or Facebook search him is a violation of NC. That this proves she is obsessing about him and has good feelings reminiscing about him in spite of the pain and damage the whole thing had on BH. WW's are saying that it is a normal reaction after a love affair ends. That expecting the WW to turn off her thoughts about OM like a light switch is unreasonable. That it doesn't mean she is fondly fantasizing about him, only that there is likely some harmless curiosity going on.

 

I can't see this disagreement ever being resolved.

 

You and I almost agree Drifter

 

The thing I don't agree with is where you say expecting a WW to turn off her thoughts is unreasonable. I would say it is reasonable for the BS to want that but sadly not possible. I should also add that if it is prolonged and happens too often then it is definitely harmful.

 

In an ideal world, the WS would not do such searches. But of course in an ideal world there would not have been an affair. Recovering from affairs is a messy, painful process and far from smooth. I don't think all hope is lost for the OP and his wife but he does need to decide on what the boundaries are and how long he will tolerate (sorry I can't think of a better word tonight) slip ups like this.

[DKT3]

It is easy to throw stones from ivory towers but the truth is real people reconcile. I never once said he couldn't be bthered by it but merely pointed out it may not be as insedious as the gang says. One little picture on the back logs of her phone does not mean she is all on board for restarting the affair. And the OP has no idea what is on her work computer. She could be chatting it up with him daily or she could be rarely even thinking about him. If you can't use your head and logic your emotions can lead down paths you shouldn't go. And in prder to save a marriage most WS are not allowed to be honest about where they are at but just put their own turmoil aside she may not have felt like she was lying but rather dealing with her own issues.

 

Did the OP ever tell her what a google search would do to him? People preach empathy for the Bs but don't care one iota for the Ws. A consequence of an affair. But if you are wanting to reconcile i think a little empathy will help. All this punishment and trickery just makes for a toxic relationship. I think the Op should just tell her what he is feeling over this whole thing and not set her up to lie. Games and lack of communication are never good.

 

 

 

And remember, the WS is never ever allowed to even let on their thoughts have ever drifted (negative or postive) towards te AP so that is one very logical and not evil reason she didn't mention the search to him.

 

I have disagreed with you and spectre not about the Bs being hurt but rather the broad brush stroke you have painted the action with. You may know how some Bs would feel but you do not know how all WS feel or what the motive is behind the search.

 

Action is wrong period, no matter how you attempt to spin it.

 

Lovin told me that from time to time she has fond thoughts about the xAP. I'm not ok with that but I can deal with it. Does it sting abit? Sure.

 

However crossing that fleeting thought into action IE searhing, is an action that if she is truly moving forward with R is counter-productive, thoughtless and painful for the BS.

 

I'm not saying that either you or Anne had intent on restarting anything with OM, the issue is the BS's have no idea what's in your heart and mind all we have to go on is your words which has been proven unworthy of trust, and actions. Is that so hard to understand?

 

In the real world he has no idea what her intents were, only what her actions have shown, which are she is still vesting in OM after all this time. That is an uncomfortable feeling and makes one doubt they've made the right decision.

 

PS, I toss no stones, I understand both sides. End of the day actions overcome words.

[anne1707]

Oh now I have a problem with Lovin there. I do not have fond thoughts of the exOM. That would be completely out of order too in my opinion. I even work with him and just see him as a work colleague, nothing more than that.

[DKT3]

You and I almost agree Drifter

 

The thing I don't agree with is where you say expecting a WW to turn off her thoughts is unreasonable. I would say it is reasonable for the BS to want that but sadly not possible. I should also add that if it is prolonged and happens too often then it is definitely harmful.

 

In an ideal world, the WS would not do such searches. But of course in an ideal world there would not have been an affair. Recovering from affairs is a messy, painful process and far from smooth. I don't think all hope is lost for the OP and his wife but he does need to decide on what the boundaries are and how long he will tolerate (sorry I can't think of a better word tonight) slip ups like this.

 

I personally don't think a BS should set boundaries, if the WS is serious they shouldn't be needed. If one moved forward with "how would this make my BS feel" or "would this be something I would do if BS was here" way of thinking they is a pretty decent chance it works out.

 

This isn't a slip up, once again its a decision to do something that is selfish and no doubt would hurt the partner.

[anne1707]

The BS needs to set boundaries for themselves for what they will tolerate, not boundaries that the WS should follow.

 

I also said slip up was not the right word. It's late here and I just could not think of a better word.

[DKT3]

Oh now I have a problem with Lovin there. I do not have fond thoughts of the exOM. That would be completely out of order too in my opinion. I even work with him and just see him as a work colleague, nothing more than that.

 

I agree, but I understand. I once had a good friend that now I would punch in the face on sight, because he did some things that were hurtful to Lovin. Yet we had good times and sometimes I remember one and laugh. Its understandable.

[DKT3]

The BS needs to set boundaries for themselves for what they will tolerate, not boundaries that the WS should follow.

 

I also said slip up was not the right word. It's late here and I just could not think of a better word.

 

Sadly boundaries mean nothing until your in the situation. More often then not they are adjusted from fear and love. "If she kissed him its over" then "if she had sex its over" then its "if it happened in my home" and so on. In this situation you don't know when you've had enough til you've had enough. Sometimes its as small as something like this. For me it was a meaningless lie that lead me to giving the lawyer the ok to serve.

[dichotomy]

Again, we have the classic LS split of WW's and BH's. Everybody agrees that the discovery part of it causes angst for the BH. So this issue is not as much what it means in and of itself, but what the greater meaning actually is. BH's are saying that the very fact that she is thinking about OM enough to Google or Facebook search him is a violation of NC. That this proves she is obsessing about him and has good feelings reminiscing about him in spite of the pain and damage the whole thing had on BH. WW's are saying that it is a normal reaction after a love affair ends. That expecting the WW to turn off her thoughts about OM like a light switch is unreasonable. That it doesn't mean she is fondly fantasizing about him, only that there is likely some harmless curiosity going on.

 

I can't see this disagreement ever being resolved.

 

 

No this BH is not saying this exactly. I mentioned I "discovered" several things after Dday with my WW.

 

1) My wife did a single Facebook or Google (cant remember which) for OM. This was about a year or so after dday. I said nothing. I found nothing else, no connection. Kept watching want something real to sink my teeth into, and this for me was not significant enough. I new for a while at least after dday she was struggling to resolve her feelings and thoughts about OM.

 

2) I found out OM was calling once a year and leaving a voice message on her cell on her bday. She did not tell me this and I found it out. I gave her holly hell for hiding it, as did the MC, but she never did return the messages nor call him back, so after more marriage therapy, we blocked his numbers for ever. It ended and the calls never resumed.

 

 

I still monitor a tiny bit - all these years later, but there is little emotion behind my checking - just kind of a quick check now and then - trust but verify kind of stance.

Edited August 29, 2014 by dichotomy

[Bittersweetie]

First of all I have massive respect for 98% of the WS's here, but this seems to be something that a lot of them just don't fully understand. Others do.

 

It may seem minor but its actions that are very similar to those that they had leading to and during the affair. Small steps going to bad places.

 

I will admit that I didn't fully understand it during the first few months after d-day. Then my H told me how it made him feel. And I understood. I couldn't read his mind, but I was doing the best I could at the time. I didn't have a site like this to show me that what I was continuing to do was wrong. Once he told me, I stopped.

 

I agree, the googling and facebook searches are wrong. But I guess my point is that sometimes a BS may need to share with the WS how things like that make them feel. This communication ("googling xOM makes me feel like you still care for him") is vital to reconciliation.

[DKT3]

I will admit that I didn't fully understand it during the first few months after d-day. Then my H told me how it made him feel. And I understood. I couldn't read his mind, but I was doing the best I could at the time. I didn't have a site like this to show me that what I was continuing to do was wrong. Once he told me, I stopped.

 

I agree, the googling and facebook searches are wrong. But I guess my point is that sometimes a BS may need to share with the WS how things like that make them feel. This communication ("googling xOM makes me feel like you still care for him") is vital to reconciliation.

 

I agree more communication is always good. However shouldn't it be implied? Just as staying faithful should be.

 

I kinda think its a cop-out. Made worse if its kept secret. You can't expect perfect spouses but you can't expect them to be honest. This goes double if your an offender of breaking trust.

[katielee]

If it's curiosity, wondering, or positive thoughts about the AP, shouldn't the WS at least tell their BS they're gonna look? Anything else is another secret having to do with the AP. And that is why it should be a dealbreaker.

I would hope my husband would kick me to the curb if I looked up or even thought positively about my AP.

Really, come back katielee, when you recognize giving any head space to the person who helped you stab me in the back is out if your head. Completely! Or I'm not interested. At least I hope he would do this. Or file....

[jm2013]

Ok, so I feel like an arse. I dropped this info on my wife yesterday and she was puzzled, frantic and upset were the first reactions. I simply asked if she had been thinking about him and perhaps did a "small" search to see how he was doing. Here exact words "God no, he's dead to me". The only times she "says" she thinks about him is when I bring him up.

 

Needless to say, I got her phone and we did this together. Since I reformatted the old computer we had to install the newest version of the software. The other one kind of just dumped all of the data out. This new one categorized all the stuff. I think his picture came up under "other apps" which would be from instagram. I am not sure why it was even pulling his pic up. But it also pulled about 20 other profile pics from instagram as well. It was kind of weird. I apologized to her. She just said she was thankful I was able to talk to her about this and she would have done the same thing. When we were looking she was crying saying she would "never" do anything that would jeopardize our reconciliation. And she's been working on hard proving through actions.

 

Now I feel bad for jumping the gun. Though this thread opened up a lot about both sides. It was indeed kind of interesting to get both sides. I'm just glad this ended up being a fluke on my end and not something she's still emotionally dealing with. I like to feel that I'm the only one currently in my wife's heart and it's not still being shared with the OM.. Thanks everybody.

[dichotomy]

 

Now I feel bad for jumping the gun.

 

Thanks everybody.

 

 

Your welcome.

[DKT3]

Ok, so I feel like an arse. I dropped this info on my wife yesterday and she was puzzled, frantic and upset were the first reactions. I simply asked if she had been thinking about him and perhaps did a "small" search to see how he was doing. Here exact words "God no, he's dead to me". The only times she "says" she thinks about him is when I bring him up.

 

Needless to say, I got her phone and we did this together. Since I reformatted the old computer we had to install the newest version of the software. The other one kind of just dumped all of the data out. This new one categorized all the stuff. I think his picture came up under "other apps" which would be from instagram. I am not sure why it was even pulling his pic up. But it also pulled about 20 other profile pics from instagram as well. It was kind of weird. I apologized to her. She just said she was thankful I was able to talk to her about this and she would have done the same thing. When we were looking she was crying saying she would "never" do anything that would jeopardize our reconciliation. And she's been working on hard proving through actions.

 

Now I feel bad for jumping the gun. Though this thread opened up a lot about both sides. It was indeed kind of interesting to get both sides. I'm just glad this ended up being a fluke on my end and not something she's still emotionally dealing with. I like to feel that I'm the only one currently in my wife's heart and it's not still being shared with the OM.. Thanks everybody.

 

Happy for you that it worked out this way. Being upfront and honest is a must moving forward. As I said before when some were saying not to talk, you can't hold on to stuff that can build resentment and make you doubt moving forward. Sometimes her truths will hurt short term as yours will her, but it will give each of you a chance to understand what the issues are and make it better.

 

If you see other things, and you likely will, talk about them right away. Its hard and uncomfortable, but its a must.

[thummper]

Great news! I think your wife's reaction to your suspicion says it all. Happy days to you both.

[drifter777]

Ok, glad you are happy with the outcome. What does this mean?

 

I think his picture came up under "other apps" which would be from instagram. I am not sure why it was even pulling his pic up.

[Spectre]

Lovin told me that from time to time she has fond thoughts about the xAP. I'm not ok with that but I can deal with it. Does it sting abit? Sure.

 

Wait..what? This person who cheated on you then went on to tell you every now and then she thinks fondly about the guy she betrayed you for in every which way?

 

I don't get it? If your wife is truly committed to you..she should be thinking of the OM as a piece of utter trash and nothing more. So I am hoping you are talking about how Lovin might of felt in the past about this, because if what you are saying in terms of "time to time she has fond memories of the dude she cheated with" is still happening in the present? Then there is a huge huge problem.