Wife MAY have searched OM's Instagram while trying to reconcile

[DKT3]

I think if a google search is that upsetting perhaps OP you aren't cut out for R. And that isn't a bad thing. I disagree with those that say wait. Ask her and be honest with her. But do so in a way that doesn't put her on the spot (not in MC where it is two against one). Tell her how the search made you feel. If you can't talk past this than youknow she isn't 100% open with you or you aren't ready to deal with the realities of reconciliation.

 

I also have facebooked searched my xMM. Difference is it isn't hidden from my husband because he has laid down no laws or stipulations. It doesn't bother him because he gets curious too. And xMM has contacted me to restart the fling. And once whIhen I saw him he hinted at it. I shut him down both times akd showed my husband. Curiousity is a normal human trait. And while it breaks all the rules of NC and what not it doesn't have to have any deeper meaning than that. I got curious if his w had kicked him out finally. And one time I was curious if he had left where we work.

 

I haven't looked him up in a long time now. He hasn't contacted me to reingnite for a long time. And I am glad my H did not demand such a high level of Nc. No more affair was good enough for him. He was a good candidate for R because he never made me feel like I had to change overnight or hide anything. And he never made my actions about him.

 

*sigh*

 

I cringe every time I hear a WS say "it isn't about my BS" its that attitude that drove me to want to make her feel what I felt.

 

WS's did what they did to make themselves happy, to feel good. In the process ruined our lives and changed the way we viewed things, how we felt about ourselves. SMH sure its about him. Or about the lack of respect, once again putting her desires above his. Now who isn't cut out for this? The one who is being hurt by the actions of the other or the one who's actions are/have causing/caused the pain for all.

 

JM seems to be three trains of thought her 1) confront 2) compile evidence 3) oh what the hell its to be expected.

 

I firmly disagree with 3 as I'm sure most that have been in your position would. The other two are a matter of what your looking for in the future. 1 I think, sets a tone that you will be open and honest with her going forward, you won't hold on to things that cause doubt and builds resentment. 2 seems to be more geared to ending the relationship to me. Its kinda like not stopping your kid from stealing a candy bar then being pissed down the road when he gets locked up for stealing a car.

 

Just my opinion, what do I know.

[Sub]

JM seems to be three trains of thought her 1) confront 2) compile evidence 3) oh what the hell its to be expected.

 

I firmly disagree with 3 as I'm sure most that have been in your position would. The other two are a matter of what your looking for in the future. 1 I think, sets a tone that you will be open and honest with her going forward, you won't hold on to things that cause doubt and builds resentment. 2 seems to be more geared to ending the relationship to me. Its kinda like not stopping your kid from stealing a candy bar then being pissed down the road when he gets locked up for stealing a car.

 

Just my opinion, what do I know.

 

I think it's a combination of 1 & 3. (Although I wouldn't go so far as to say it's to be expected.) You can accept that it's possible, and that it's not unexpected, depending on how deep the A was. You definitely don't just throw your hands up and say "hey, what can I do?" though. Talk about it. Ask the WS what they're thinking, how they're feeling about the AP at that point. Which can be done without being accusatory or confrontational.

[ForeverTainted]

*sigh*

 

I cringe every time I hear a WS say "it isn't about my BS" its that attitude that drove me to want to make her feel what I felt.

 

WS's did what they did to make themselves happy, to feel good. In the process ruined our lives and changed the way we viewed things, how we felt about ourselves. SMH sure its about him. Or about the lack of respect, once again putting her desires above his. Now who isn't cut out for this? The one who is being hurt by the actions of the other or the one who's actions are/have causing/caused the pain for all.

 

JM seems to be three trains of thought her 1) confront 2) compile evidence 3) oh what the hell its to be expected.

 

I firmly disagree with 3 as I'm sure most that have been in your position would. The other two are a matter of what your looking for in the future. 1 I think, sets a tone that you will be open and honest with her going forward, you won't hold on to things that cause doubt and builds resentment. 2 seems to be more geared to ending the relationship to me. Its kinda like not stopping your kid from stealing a candy bar then being pissed down the road when he gets locked up for stealing a car.

 

Just my opinion, what do I know.

 

I think you misunderstood what I meant by one little statment. When I say he knows my affair wasn't about him I mean he knows that his actions and who he was had nothing to do with why I had an affair. I am a seperate being who made a very bad descision and that was unrelated to him as my husband. His failings or his strengths. But my affair most certainly affected him more than anyone else because I broke my promise to him to foraake all others. Buy in knowing I was the one with issues he was willing to just be there while I sorted through and worked myself out of the mess I created. He gave me space because it is in his personality to do so.

 

When we make other people's happiness and issues about us we get no where. We are so busy looking at ourselves we fail to see it is their choice to behave and act they do. And then we make descision regarding how their bhaviour affects us. And how much we will accept.

 

That is what i mean by that.

[DKT3]

I think you misunderstood what I meant by one little statment. When I say he knows my affair wasn't about him I mean he knows that his actions and who he was had nothing to do with why I had an affair. I am a seperate being who made a very bad descision and that was unrelated to him as my husband. His failings or his strengths. But my affair most certainly affected him more than anyone else because I broke my promise to him to foraake all others. Buy in knowing I was the one with issues he was willing to just be there while I sorted through and worked myself out of the mess I created. He gave me space because it is in his personality to do so.

 

When we make other people's happiness and issues about us we get no where. We are so busy looking at ourselves we fail to see it is their choice to behave and act they do. And then we make descision regarding how their bhaviour affects us. And how much we will accept.

 

That is what i mean by that.

 

But it is related to the BS. Most WS's I believe has to justify to some level the affair or breaking NC. That justification is normally about the spouse of the marriage which is directly related to what is seen as a weakness or short coming.

 

What I don't get is OP was already subjected to the affair, which is about as painful as it gets, but to go a step more and recommit to R only to follow the same patterns. In your case your husband knew you were still deeply vested in OM, doesn't make it any less painful, and in my opinion more abusive then physical contact. Had I noticed this in my wife I doubt we would be where we are today. Watching the women you love struggle in pain because she picked me, is as tough to take as the affair. I would have just told her to go be with him. Your husband was at least given honesty and allowed to make his decision accordingly. OP isn't given that honesty so far.

 

Being in this situation all your senses are on high alert, emotions run high and things that can be seen as small to others may feel like the world is sitting on you torso. This picture has clearly sent JM into a fenzy and I get it. She is still hiding stuff. No matter how small it may seem its counter-productive to R and sets them back

[thummper]

That's all right for you, Tainted. Your husband seems to be almost super-humanly understanding, but I'd venture to say very few men would be comfortable if their waywards were having any contact of any sort (and that most certainly includes searching out their AP's on the internet.) Had my wife cheated on me and I forgave her and then discovered she was still looking for information about him, and I don't give a damn what kind of info it was, there would have been a monstrous explosion and I'd probably have dumped her on the spot with instructions that if she was so friggin' curious about him, go ahead and look him up in person since at that point it wouldn't matter to me any more.

[Bittersweetie]

After d-day, my H asked for complete NC. I did that. However, I did still google and such. For me as a WS, at that time, I didn't see them as related. A few months later, my H found out what I was doing and told me how upset he was about it. It wasn't until then that I could see WHY he would be upset with a "minor" thing as googling xOM. He was upset because it was mind space still being spent on xOM. Even if it was just once, or a simple curiosity, or if I felt stupid afterward (which I always did)...it was thoughts and energy still being spent on xOM. And that was disrespectful to him and our relationship. It was at that time that I did a full NC. For myself...my H told me to do what I wanted...he wasn't going to check up on me anymore. And that's when the real healing began.

 

Just my experience as a fWW, hope this helps.

[jm2013]

*sigh*

 

I cringe every time I hear a WS say "it isn't about my BS" its that attitude that drove me to want to make her feel what I felt.

 

WS's did what they did to make themselves happy, to feel good. In the process ruined our lives and changed the way we viewed things, how we felt about ourselves. SMH sure its about him. Or about the lack of respect, once again putting her desires above his. Now who isn't cut out for this? The one who is being hurt by the actions of the other or the one who's actions are/have causing/caused the pain for all.

 

JM seems to be three trains of thought her 1) confront 2) compile evidence 3) oh what the hell its to be expected.

 

I firmly disagree with 3 as I'm sure most that have been in your position would. The other two are a matter of what your looking for in the future. 1 I think, sets a tone that you will be open and honest with her going forward, you won't hold on to things that cause doubt and builds resentment. 2 seems to be more geared to ending the relationship to me. Its kinda like not stopping your kid from stealing a candy bar then being pissed down the road when he gets locked up for stealing a car.

 

Just my opinion, what do I know.

 

There's been a lot of good advice in this thread. But ultimately I think you're right. I didn't know tonight was just me going to talk to the counselor. So I am going to bring this all up to him and see what he thinks. If she was really engaged with this guy I think I'd notice. She is putting a lot of work in for me.. We'll see. It just upsets me knowing she may still be searching and thinking about him. After all of the destruction this all caused he should be the last thing on her mind.

 

After d-day, my H asked for complete NC. I did that. However, I did still google and such. For me as a WS, at that time, I didn't see them as related. A few months later, my H found out what I was doing and told me how upset he was about it. It wasn't until then that I could see WHY he would be upset with a "minor" thing as googling xOM. He was upset because it was mind space still being spent on xOM. Even if it was just once, or a simple curiosity, or if I felt stupid afterward (which I always did)...it was thoughts and energy still being spent on xOM. And that was disrespectful to him and our relationship. It was at that time that I did a full NC. For myself...my H told me to do what I wanted...he wasn't going to check up on me anymore. And that's when the real healing began.

 

Just my experience as a fWW, hope this helps.

 

Thanks for the input. IF she did search him out that's more than likely what happened. I just kind of felt like I was tailspinning there. I will probably eventually confront her about it and see what her take is.

[ForeverTainted]

There's been a lot of good advice in this thread. But ultimately I think you're right. I didn't know tonight was just me going to talk to the counselor. So I am going to bring this all up to him and see what he thinks. If she was really engaged with this guy I think I'd notice. She is putting a lot of work in for me.. We'll see. It just upsets me knowing she may still be searching and thinking about him. After all of the destruction this all caused he should be the last thing on her mind.

 

 

 

Thanks for the input. IF she did search him out that's more than likely what happened. I just kind of felt like I was tailspinning there. I will probably eventually confront her about it and see what her take is.

 

If the affair is still being worked past and dealt with than by logical sense the Ap is still present in your mind.

 

See for DK3 he thinks googling means some sort of deep investment. But as someone who was never deeply invested in the A in the first place it was basic human curiousity about someone from the near past. A curiousity i no longer have. I don't wonder even in a mildly curious way. But it didn't happen over night. If someone had a long A I would highly doubt they are able to flip a switch and never think another moment of their AP. My H has even googled xMM and well we live on equal what is allowed.

 

I can see the search being upsetting. It was a sin she had thought of otherman and you don't know what the thought was whether a pain of loss or mild curiousity. That is why I think you should just have an honest convo with her about it. So much better than speculating and going back into PI mode. Who wants to have to spy on their spouse's every move an google search? (Unless infidelity matters in D where you live). Talk to her.

 

Btw, if your wife went through a loathing him stage that also puts the AP in the forfront of your mind. It could have lead her to a search hoping to see sings that he is miserable or something. I am at the place where my xMM is just another human being. If i heard he was mortally wounded I would feel the brief passing of "his poor family" and my life and feelings would remain unaffected. Far better place to be than loathing or hatred.

[Clay]

So why not just take a different approach. Rather than to check if she is searching him out why not just talk to her about it. Sit down with her and be honest with her. You don't have to be mean just tell her you know she is searching out for the OM. Tell her you just are looking for where the relationship goes from here. If its treated as a open dialog over the subject you might actually get the truth. If you just confront her I would be she would just lie out of fear and you would be left wondering.

 

This might help you both be open about what you both want in your relationship.

 

Clay

[DKT3]

If the affair is still being worked past and dealt with than by logical sense the Ap is still present in your mind.

 

See for DK3 he thinks googling means some sort of deep investment. But as someone who was never deeply invested in the A in the first place it was basic human curiousity about someone from the near past. A curiousity i no longer have. I don't wonder even in a mildly curious way. But it didn't happen over night. If someone had a long A I would highly doubt they are able to flip a switch and never think another moment of their AP. My H has even googled xMM and well we live on equal what is allowed.

 

I can see the search being upsetting. It was a sin she had thought of otherman and you don't know what the thought was whether a pain of loss or mild curiousity. That is why I think you should just have an honest convo with her about it. So much better than speculating and going back into PI mode. Who wants to have to spy on their spouse's every move an google search? (Unless infidelity matters in D where you live). Talk to her.

 

Btw, if your wife went through a loathing him stage that also puts the AP in the forfront of your mind. It could have lead her to a search hoping to see sings that he is miserable or something. I am at the place where my xMM is just another human being. If i heard he was mortally wounded I would feel the brief passing of "his poor family" and my life and feelings would remain unaffected. Far better place to be than loathing or hatred.

 

No I think its a lack of both control in ones self and respect for the partner/spouse. It goes along with the thoughtlessly of the impact any of these actions will have on the other person. The intent behind the looking really isn't important.

 

I remember a thread on another site were the BH told his wife any contact with OM (a close family friend) would absolutely be the end of the marriage. Then over a year later the OM's mother died and the WW sent him a text, well several days later the WW forgot her phone, called the BH from work asking him to get a number she needed from her phone, the BH saw the text and promptly ended the marriage. This was the one and only time she broke NC and it cost her the marriage. His reason? How does he know it was the only contact? If one can't trust that the WS would even hold up that much really what hope is there? BS who accept back the wayward humbles themself so much, places trust that this person will take care of their feelings AGAIN after they have proven that when things got tough it wasn't all that important. Basic human curiousity? Maybe. Totally thoughtless of the spouses feelings and well being? Absolutely.

 

If one isn't over the AP then how do you commit to a person that they so willing tossed aside?

 

Again just my opinion.

[ForeverTainted]

No I think its a lack of both control in ones self and respect for the partner/spouse. It goes along with the thoughtlessly of the impact any of these actions will have on the other person. The intent behind the looking really isn't important.

 

I remember a thread on another site were the BH told his wife any contact with OM (a close family friend) would absolutely be the end of the marriage. Then over a year later the OM's mother died and the WW sent him a text, well several days later the WW forgot her phone, called the BH from work asking him to get a number she needed from her phone, the BH saw the text and promptly ended the marriage. This was the one and only time she broke NC and it cost her the marriage. His reason? How does he know it was the only contact? If one can't trust that the WS would even hold up that much really what hope is there? BS who accept back the wayward humbles themself so much, places trust that this person will take care of their feelings AGAIN after they have proven that when things got tough it wasn't all that important. Basic human curiousity? Maybe. Totally thoughtless of the spouses feelings and well being? Absolutely.

 

If one isn't over the AP then how do you commit to a person that they so willing tossed aside?

 

Again just my opinion.

 

Listen you are coming at this from he sensitive side of a Bs. I was merely offering that on his wife's part their may not be such a huge act of lying or even emotional investment that a BS might see. If he is not objecting to her current attitude or behaviour I think an open and candid conversation is to the best. Not a "how thoughtless and how could she" comments. To her it may not have been a big deal. And as to controlling your actions. Yes it is good to but do you always stay 100% perfect in your marriage. Do you ever mess up or lack self control on any level for even a brief moment. Contacting xMM is a far greater break of Nc than a simple internet search that she may not even realize is a breech of Nc. And jumping back in bed with your AP is absolutely 0 self control.

 

We are all thoughtless at times. But a google search is not the same level of thoughtless as resuming the affair. Actually the latter is just cruel when you have been given a second chance.

 

I don't think the OP needs to be okay with the search but maybe put it into perspective and realize it is quite common. But a full and honest conversation with hisWS will get him a lot farther than letting it fester inside. And it will see what her attitude is about this. Being realistic in your expectations creates a more open enviroment and healthy relationship. Meaning, us WS might not always get it right so for him, the OP, what mess ups is he okay with. A google search too much? Then it is done. And that is okay.

 

Btw, that story was on here. Or the exact same one and the couple did end up reconciling after the BS cooled down. Or at least that is they way she told it on here.

[Spectre]

I have to disagree spectre. As someone who has done what the OP's WS has done, I know it does not automatically mean that his wife does not want the marriage or does not love her husband.

 

I'd have to disagree right back. I'm not saying once you decide to work on your marriage you can never ever have another thought about the guy you cheated with again. But you sure as heck should *not* be checking up on him and stuff, and if you are? Then, well yeah..you don't love your husband that much. Especially since this woman knows what she did and how hard it is to forgive..she should be doing damage control right now..the last thing she should be worrying about is checking this dudes facebook or Instagram or anything.

 

That is the harsh truth: nobody expects this other man to immediately be deleted from your mind, but if you can't even stop yourself from looking stuff up about him? That is just so disrespectful..because that is something you should be able to do and if you can't do it then there is no point in making the marriage work anyways. It is hard enough for a guy to deal with his girl cheating, but to then know she is looking up the guy, etc. after he has found out? That is like a kick in the balls, except you put on a metal boot first before you kick him there.

 

Am I saying it is easy? Nope, but it kinda has to be done if the wayward spouse wants to be taken seriously about the whole "I still totally love this person despite the horrible betrayal I pulled!". If she can't do something as simple as staying the hell away from the dude on instagram then what is the point? Who wants a wife who has to avoid social media, etc. so she won't cheat?

Edited August 29, 2014 by Spectre

[jm2013]

I spoke with the counselor last night and he looked pretty deflated about this. He was kind of taken back by it. He thought the same implications I did I think.

 

1 - She still to this day has enough feelings to wonder about him and do curious things like look at pictures of him. Not sure what kind of wonder. Maybe IF him and his wife are still together or if he looks happy. I don't know.

 

2 - She still had no empathy. I consider these kinds of actions extremely disrespectful considering what I have to do emotionally to put what she did in the past. This to me, is a huge slap in my face not matter how "mild" the action was. It's a telling story to say the least.

 

3 - I plan on just confronting her on this issue this weekend and see where we go from there. It will allow me to analyze her truthfulness once again. This must be the hardest part in any reconciliation. I just don't get it. My wife has been told by me, counselors and who ever else that lying will only create further problems and destroy any form of trust building. The stupidity would run deep to say the least. I don't want to sit back and play PI either. It's very simple. The door is open and she can walk through that to go be with him. Or she can work on her marriage with an open honest heart.

[Buckeye2]

I spoke with the counselor last night and he looked pretty deflated about this. He was kind of taken back by it. He thought the same implications I did I think.

 

1 - She still to this day has enough feelings to wonder about him and do curious things like look at pictures of him. Not sure what kind of wonder. Maybe IF him and his wife are still together or if he looks happy. I don't know.

 

2 - She still had no empathy. I consider these kinds of actions extremely disrespectful considering what I have to do emotionally to put what she did in the past. This to me, is a huge slap in my face not matter how "mild" the action was. It's a telling story to say the least.

 

3 - I plan on just confronting her on this issue this weekend and see where we go from there. It will allow me to analyze her truthfulness once again. This must be the hardest part in any reconciliation. I just don't get it. My wife has been told by me, counselors and who ever else that lying will only create further problems and destroy any form of trust building. The stupidity would run deep to say the least. I don't want to sit back and play PI either. It's very simple. The door is open and she can walk through that to go be with him. Or she can work on her marriage with an open honest heart.

 

Excellent post, but let me make a sarcastic comment: But can’t you read her mind and know that it was totally innocent?

[katielee]

it would be a dealbreaker in my book. You want to see the OW that badly, enough to lie to me and break NC, go be with her then. I'll not stand in your way. Any look in that direction would be another stab to the heart for the BS and I've had enough, thank you very much. The crap needs to stop at some point. Curiosity isn't a good enough reason.

The WS needs to be in 100%.

[BetrayedH]

...It's very simple. The door is open and she can walk through that to go be with him. Or she can work on her marriage with an open honest heart.

 

Or she can do neither of those things and just continue to lie, deny, and minimize. That's what my wife did regardless of how logical the honesty route seems to us. I suggest you have a plan for if/when that happens. Seems kinda predictable to me. That's why I recommend finding out what you can first. But to each their own. Good luck. Sucks all around, don't it?

[thummper]

Listen you are coming at this from he sensitive side of a Bs. I was merely offering that on his wife's part their may not be such a huge act of lying or even emotional investment that a BS might see. If he is not objecting to her current attitude or behaviour I think an open and candid conversation is to the best. Not a "how thoughtless and how could she" comments. To her it may not have been a big deal. And as to controlling your actions. Yes it is good to but do you always stay 100% perfect in your marriage. Do you ever mess up or lack self control on any level for even a brief moment. Contacting xMM is a far greater break of Nc than a simple internet search that she may not even realize is a breech of Nc. And jumping back in bed with your AP is absolutely 0 self control.

 

We are all thoughtless at times. But a google search is not the same level of thoughtless as resuming the affair. Actually the latter is just cruel when you have been given a second chance.

 

I don't think the OP needs to be okay with the search but maybe put it into perspective and realize it is quite common. But a full and honest conversation with hisWS will get him a lot farther than letting it fester inside. And it will see what her attitude is about this. Being realistic in your expectations creates a more open enviroment and healthy relationship. Meaning, us WS might not always get it right so for him, the OP, what mess ups is he okay with. A google search too much? Then it is done. And that is okay.

 

Btw, that story was on here. Or the exact same one and the couple did end up reconciling after the BS cooled down. Or at least that is they way she told it on here.

 

FT do you remember which thread that was. It does sound familiar.

[thummper]

I followed the original thread. I was so happy for them when it looked as though she had put the affair behind her and they had reconciled. Now......?

[DKT3]

it would be a dealbreaker in my book. You want to see the OW that badly, enough to lie to me and break NC, go be with her then. I'll not stand in your way. Any look in that direction would be another stab to the heart for the BS and I've had enough, thank you very much. The crap needs to stop at some point. Curiosity isn't a good enough reason.

The WS needs to be in 100%.

 

First of all I have massive respect for 98% of the WS's here, but this seems to be something that a lot of them just don't fully understand. Others do.

 

It may seem minor but its actions that are very similar to those that they had leading to and during the affair. Small steps going to bad places.

[jm2013]

Excellent post, but let me make a sarcastic comment: But can’t you read her mind and know that it was totally innocent?

 

Yep. You're exactly right. All I have to go on are the words that come out of her mouth...

 

it would be a dealbreaker in my book. You want to see the OW that badly, enough to lie to me and break NC, go be with her then. I'll not stand in your way. Any look in that direction would be another stab to the heart for the BS and I've had enough, thank you very much. The crap needs to stop at some point. Curiosity isn't a good enough reason.

The WS needs to be in 100%.

 

In fairness I haven't approached her yet about it. So I'm not sure which route she'll take. It's so exhausting when you KNOW the truth and approach your WS only to be let down. Awhile back I told her I KNEW she was lying and it was making her look like an idiot and she continued to do it.

 

Or she can do neither of those things and just continue to lie, deny, and minimize. That's what my wife did regardless of how logical the honesty route seems to us. I suggest you have a plan for if/when that happens. Seems kinda predictable to me. That's why I recommend finding out what you can first. But to each their own. Good luck. Sucks all around, don't it?

 

My plan is simple. If I catch the lies, deception and anything else that's the last nail in the coffin. It took a leap of faith to be with her right now. She appeared to have executed the steps necessary in our road to recovery. It should be an interesting conversation with her over the weekend. I will bring it up, ask her about it and see what she says. If she gives me the clueless "I don't know what you are talking about" I'll simply plug her phone and and show it to her and let her start talking. At that point I'll know what I have to do. It will be a damn shame, that's for sure.

[bigman1]

I am analyzing your language and I have a few observations. You will confront and then see where it goes from there. You have expressed that concept of "seeing where it goes" before. I get it.

 

That approach is that of someone who is fearful of the outcome and who does not want to be hurt or disappointed again. It is also a powerless approach. I don't mean in the "show her who's boss" way, I mean in the what role do you play in your life- way. You are not driftwood being tossed about. Stop acting like it. I will put aside my diatribe on why you want this woman so badly, and simply concede that you do and that having her is good for you.

 

When we send people to drug court we expect relapses. There is punishment for the relapse. They go to jail for the weekend or maybe have to do some community service immediately. There has to be a real unalterable consequence. Maybe your wife leaves for the weekend or the week. I mean absolutely no contact. No text, no good nite, no apologizing, nothing. Time alone with the understanding that during that time alone you are going to explore the feelings that go with living without her. You can't cave in either. She has to believe that you can and will move on without her. She needs to see it happen suddenly and understand that at some point it will be permanent. You are also convincing yourself.

 

I don't minimize the fact that she MAY be sorry, but unless you take strong action and send a strong message, you may find yourself alone knowing that your wife is sleeping with this AP or another because she had no problem betraying you first and then continuing to do it after she knew how bad it hurt you. Maybe I'm in a foul mood today but I hate seeing betrayed spouses agonize over stuff like this.

 

My point, don't wait to see what happens. You need to say what is going to happen and make it happen and live with it. Be the captain of your fate. She can't take any lead in this part. She is still lost. She gives no direction. Once you get into the right mindset, you will either see that she is really worth the crap that you are going to go thru or you will see that you are worth not going thru it. She's gonna see that, too.

[dichotomy]

Y

My plan is simple. If I catch the lies, deception and anything else that's the last nail in the coffin. It took a leap of faith to be with her right now. She appeared to have executed the steps necessary in our road to recovery. It should be an interesting conversation with her over the weekend. I will bring it up, ask her about it and see what she says. If she gives me the clueless "I don't know what you are talking about" I'll simply plug her phone and and show it to her and let her start talking. At that point I'll know what I have to do. It will be a damn shame, that's for sure.

 

So your going to divorce her if she says nope never happens - never looked at his page or searched him.

 

So what if she says - I may have, dont remember, but if I did I am sorry and i swear I am done with OM, I love you honey.

 

Or what if she attacks - I dont ever recall that search it must be something old, I dont know where that came from - you dont trust me - you searching all my stuff? How could you ! you dont love me ....cry sniff...

 

So......What response from her would satisfy your needs about this tiny Instagram photo on her phone? Break down in tears and throw herself at your feet?

 

I am just saying - its a small bit of evidence this thing in the backwash of her phone - when you saw no other things.

[bigman1]

I just read your post while I was posting. Nevermind, you are on the right track. I tried to edit my post but was not allowed.

[anne1707]

JM

 

I know there are many posters saying this is a dealbreaker, she is heading back to the affair, etc. However I just want to repeat what I said in an earlier post. I did this too and it did NOT mean that I was heading back into the affair, it did NOT mean that I still wanted the exOM, it did NOT mean that I was not committed to reconciling with my husband and it did NOT mean that I didn't love my husband.

 

What did it mean? I was (and I know some will not like this) finding a way to deal with my emotions from the end of the affair. I was dealing with the feelings I had for the exOM. I was having to do that without being able to show that pain. So I had to find the best way I could.

 

Was it fair on my H? No. Was it an ok thing to do? No. Did I feel bad about doing it? Yes. Did I feel guilt? Yes. Am I after sympathy from posters here? No.

 

Did I get past this? Yes. Do I regret reconciling with my H? Absolutely not. I love him with all my heart.

[jm2013]

I am analyzing your language and I have a few observations. You will confront and then see where it goes from there. You have expressed that concept of "seeing where it goes" before. I get it.

 

That approach is that of someone who is fearful of the outcome and who does not want to be hurt or disappointed again. It is also a powerless approach. I don't mean in the "show her who's boss" way, I mean in the what role do you play in your life- way. You are not driftwood being tossed about. Stop acting like it. I will put aside my diatribe on why you want this woman so badly, and simply concede that you do and that having her is good for you.

 

When we send people to drug court we expect relapses. There is punishment for the relapse. They go to jail for the weekend or maybe have to do some community service immediately. There has to be a real unalterable consequence. Maybe your wife leaves for the weekend or the week. I mean absolutely no contact. No text, no good nite, no apologizing, nothing. Time alone with the understanding that during that time alone you are going to explore the feelings that go with living without her. You can't cave in either. She has to believe that you can and will move on without her. She needs to see it happen suddenly and understand that at some point it will be permanent. You are also convincing yourself.

 

I don't minimize the fact that she MAY be sorry, but unless you take strong action and send a strong message, you may find yourself alone knowing that your wife is sleeping with this AP or another because she had no problem betraying you first and then continuing to do it after she knew how bad it hurt you. Maybe I'm in a foul mood today but I hate seeing betrayed spouses agonize over stuff like this.

 

My point, don't wait to see what happens. You need to say what is going to happen and make it happen and live with it. Be the captain of your fate. She can't take any lead in this part. She is still lost. She gives no direction. Once you get into the right mindset, you will either see that she is really worth the crap that you are going to go thru or you will see that you are worth not going thru it. She's gonna see that, too.

 

That's what I'm going to try and figure out this weekend. Listen, if she was like YES I briefly did X and it was on my mind I am sorry I forgot to tell you. IT wasn't a big deal to me and I apologize if you felt that way. IF and IF she goes this route I would hear it out. It would prove to be a little bit of honesty. From what I know just now it was just a small little hickup. I can usually tell when there's something wrong or my wife is suppressing something. I got a sixth send from all that went down. It's depressing to think she'd be able to pickup the lies again in her new found faith and go on with the betrayals and back stabbing.

 

So your going to divorce her if she says nope never happens - never looked at his page or searched him.

 

So what if she says - I may have, dont remember, but if I did I am sorry and i swear I am done with OM, I love you honey.

 

Or what if she attacks - I dont ever recall that search it must be something old, I dont know where that came from - you dont trust me - you searching all my stuff? How could you ! you dont love me ....cry sniff...

 

So......What response from her would satisfy your needs about this tiny Instagram photo on her phone? Break down in tears and throw herself at your feet?

 

I am just saying - its a small bit of evidence this thing in the backwash of her phone - when you saw no other things.

 

It is small yeah. But I mean cmon, she'd probably remember right? Some sort of overwhelming guilt should have rushed into her system like CRAP why am I searching for him when my husband has given me another chance. This could totally destroy our work. Like I said, I have no clue as of now which route this is going to go. I can typically sniff out any bs she puts and will know by the way she acts if something is up. If she lies about this, denies it or whatever there can be no trust. What were we building all this time? See where I'm getting at? I don't know. I can't sit on here and speculate. I'll report back with what she does or says and have to think it all through. I'm just pissy right now and felt let down ever since this little hickup.