Married 2 years now she wants a divorce but we still live together

[pteromom]

and all I can do is fight to take my mind off her. I hit the gym, I study new things, I make new friends and hang out late just to fill up the time and yet she find her way back on my mind every single night and the first thing in the morning... How the hell do you guys get over someone.

 

Slowly. It takes time.

 

I have few dates lined up and I am afraid those women will not even get a chance because I am not ready to open up to them while at the same time I know she's been dating left and right and breaking condoms with her boy friends. While I hope in 3 months from now when I get the official divorce certificate it will somehow magically make me feel different I know it will not.

 

Go on your dates with no expectations other than to let loose and have a good time. You don't need to open up to anyone yet. Just laugh and flirt and have fun.

 

The only thing I can say is that I am graceful that so far I resisted the temptation to txt her or to email her and just ask her how she's doing. Even doh I know for sure she's riding some dude really hard right about now at 1am on a Thursday night.

 

You are using your imagination to paint the most painful scenario. Maybe she is getting crabs from him. Or maybe she's working to try to get him hard and wondering if his problem is her. Or maybe she's home alone thinking you are with some girl.

 

Some friends / acquaintances want me to go to this MeetUp.com happy hr at which I know she'll be at... so I'll have to disappoint them and ask them to see me another day.

 

That's smart.

 

To be honest, the one thing that bothers me the most is how she checked out of this marriage thinking that I don't love her... God is my only witness of how wrong and twisted around she got that. She'll never understand.

 

She never understood you when you were married, so why would she start now?

 

I wish they had a pill for falling out of love fast. I guess they do... is called reality and getting a new girl friend...

 

Okay, enough about ranting... time to move on with life...

 

It'll take some time. You'll have good days and bad days. But remember you have more control over where you allow your mind to go than you think. Make a conscious choice to focus your energy on what is helpful to you.

[dreamingoftigers]

that totally was physical abuse.

 

how ridiculous.

 

mixed with the public scenes you would make and the way you made fun of her in bed in front of other guys.

 

No wonder she didn't think you loved her......it wasn't loving behavior (whatever her behavior was).

 

What husband that "loves" justifies putting his hands on his wife's neck? no matter how frustrated?

 

a really crappy husband.

[troubledhusband]

that totally was physical abuse.

What husband that "loves" justifies putting his hands on his wife's neck? no matter how frustrated?

 

a really crappy husband.

 

I agree with you, I was a s**ty husband and I failed at controlling my own anger towards her when she would explode at me. I wish I would have been more in control of my actions but it only took a single incident for her to always go back to and bring back up every single little argument over and over. How would you feel if your partener would always bring back up things that happen 3, 4 years ago and keep on ranting at you about them? Trust me, you would break down. I choose to forgive and forget things she did so frequent to the point that she thought I had a bad memory.

 

But enough about that, @pteromom is right and I am to blame for my own actions and that I should have controlled my behavior better. It's just me, I was weak. Mostly because this ranting based on old things from the past as well as fake accusations came from the person I loved the most and loved me (at least at some point in time, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered getting upset).

 

I notice that in both our parents the abusive behavior is present. She hates her father because of how he is with her mother. My father has been bad to my mom too and at times I had to get in the middle to diffuse a physical argument. Take that and combine it with the fact that I once punched my father in the face because he accused me of doing drugs as a teenager when I wasn't, you get this messed up really crappy husband I was to my ex. But I only think it got where it did because of the way we both didn't know how to control ourselves.

 

Love is war. It shouldn't be...

 

 

As a updated, I had a date last Friday with a woman that I think we clicked. I took her out to the museum, then we had dinner on the way to the rooftop lounge where we had drinks. Around 10pm she wanted to go back home since she lives further out, but I convinced her to come to my neighborhood as I will drive her home. We meet up with some of my friends at a hookah bar and then we danced to Greek music till 4 am. We stopped by my place and had more wine and talked, gave her a foot massage and then finally she wanted to get home before sunrise so I drove her home around 7am.

 

Since then we started to talk a lot about mostly her moving closer to the city since she's trying to do so. Today she started to txt me on FB and all just as yesterday too. I really like her and she's quite a beautiful woman with her own flows. Then again no one's perfect. She has a few red flags, but I am willing to overlook them at least for the time being till I get to know her better.

 

I think I am falling for her, I know it sounds so stupid... but I really like her. I am afraid it might be just me being vulnerable and I hope that's not the case. Either way I decided to slow things down. She's helping to get my mind of my ex-wife but I noticed comparing her to my ex too frequent in too many parameters.

 

I also noticed myself thinking of my ex a lot all over again. Something is wrong with me. I need more time to heal. Seven months was not enough.

Edited April 8, 2015 by troubledhusband

[troubledhusband]

I oppened an email dialog with her like a moron because I run into her online dating site profile, once again... Anyhow, after few email back and forth I suggested to her to ppost here which at first she wanted to but then backed out. This is her last email reply and the last convo I''ll have with her:

 

I don't care X.

 

I don't care what others have to say.

 

I only care of how I feel. If you had the need to post our story - that's your business. Not mine.

 

I'm still talking to you and you still can't understand me - and you never will.

 

I'm telling you how I feel and you're making excuses about it.

 

The image I've created about you is because of the way you acted.

 

Weil, let's puf it blunt - what you did I can't live with it.

 

When your place will be a ****ing mess and you can enjoy a glass of wine - that's when I want to be next to you.

 

When you're broke and you're happy that's when I want to be next to you.

 

When you had a miserable day and I'm able to put a smile on your face (not your friends) that's when I want to be next to you.

 

When a driver will make a stupid thing and you won't react and let him be, that's when I want to be next to you.

 

When you'll be able to be nice and care how I feel and compliment me everyday and not look at my defects that's when I want to be with you.

 

When you'll take in consideration my opinion - not your stupid friends ideas, then I want to be with you.

 

All I'm saying here is not an idea that I've created. It's the way you are and behave, X.

 

When you learn to not be a revengeful person that' when I want to be with you.

 

That's how wrong she's got me. But it dosen't matter because she's comming out clean after she asked for divorce twice instead of simply politely and intimately talk to me about those things that bothered her. If I knew how much it bothered her, I would have fixed them.

 

Anyhow, is over and I shouldn't even open that communication channel with her.

[troubledhusband]

Last weekend my friends and I ended up visiting a Buddhist template which was by far quite a pleasant experience. They choose that place because they have the biggest statute of a Buddha in North America.

 

While visiting I got to talk to the tour guide which explained to us their core philosophy and believes as well as how they apply to one’s daily life. I have to say that a lot of their philosophy I’ve been using before without even knowing its origin with one exception, I let my feeling overrule my logic including those of anger.

 

I learned a lot in the 20 to 30 mins conversation at the template and when I got home the next day last Sunday I invited my ex wife out for brunch. We were able to sit down and have a simple conversation and catching up. She seems happy and for once arguments stopped which is good. However, she still holds on to the past quite a lot and still has the grudge on one of my old girl friends that I haven’t even seen in years but once made me late for dinner at the beginning of the relationship and who she used to bring back during each argument. Anyhow, I tried to explain to her that she’s better off forgiving and forgetting and just move on with her life (which she already did).

 

We cut it short since we both had things to do that evening, she had a date lined up at Dave and Busters. I had a social event to attend. Seems that she’s using our old hang out spots and habits for her new dates or perhaps new boy friend. I’m glad for her and hope she’s truly happy in her new life.

 

Have met up with her finally put me at peace. I feel that I am now one step closer to starting a new relationship although I am not yet ready. I still need to let go of her fully but it helped me seeing how less and less of an impact she has on me especially when she’s still hang up and is still the same old under disguise mad person. In a way I feel that she’s holding on to her grudges to justify leaving me or make right what happen, which is too sad for her but none of my concern.

 

I’m happy for her that she’s happy, or at least she seems to be. It took me a visit to a Buddhist template to build up the courage to make peace. I wanted to do it for a while now but kept holding back. I rather walk away seeing her happy in life rather than mad at me, even through she’s still got the same old flows. She still thinks people don’t change when in fact every experience we go through changes all of us hopefully for the better. I am at peace with myself now more than before and slowly recovering.

 

This will be my last entry as I am resting this bad chapter of my life to bed.

Thank you all for your support and helping me get through this...

Edited April 27, 2015 by troubledhusband

[troubledhusband]

I said I won't come back to this but somehow we managed to keep in touch over the last few months on and off. More so over the last few weeks. At first I broke the silence as I run into her on a dating site (don't ask) so I couldn't resist but to email her over the site.

 

We ended up meeting for late lunch and I went off at her (politely). I guess I needed to let some steam out. Few days later during the week we went and had a normal lunch and this weekend we almost spent the entire Saturday together. I helped her out with the car and went shopping with her to the wholesale club and other stores. After that I proposed a movie and she was all up for it but then since she was out late last night she wanted to take a nap and she specifically asked to come over my place. I'm not sure if she just needed to kill some time to give her roommate some space but when I asked her she simply said she wanted some quiet time.

 

So she came over, took a shower at my place and crashed in bed for about 2, 3 hrs. Didn't sleep much and of course as a man I made moves on her (she lost weight and looks quite good). Although she was okay with cuddling and she at first went with a few kisses she stopped and didn't want to have sex. We had "the talk" about how we are not getting back together and I made it clear to her that I don't have the same feelings for her anymore and that this would be just sex.

 

To make things more comical, she actually showed me photos of her wedding band and engagement ring from the dude she was gonna marry with after she meet him in short time (while still legally married to me LOL). I through she was lying. When I asked her if she loved him, she said that at first she did but obviously not really since she broke it up with him. She now went back to one of her ex-playmate which she uses for sex.

 

To me she sounds like she has no clue what's going on with her life. She's lacking a direction and I have a feeling she stopped by and choose to crash over my place because it might have reminded her of all the securities in life she once had when she had a direction, a family and plans to buy a house and have kids. Now she's talking about going on birth control which I get since she's fooling around too much. I think she was running away from her current life and took a drive down the memory lane of when we had a good marriage.

 

I'm not in love with her anymore and yes I had fun hanging out with her. More or less. The rejection didn't bother me since I too have my share of friends with benefits and I don't lack in that department. But as the title suggests, is it worth being friends with an ex wife? Has anyone of you out there experience anything positive from such a relationship so close after a separation and during a divorce? The divorce is still waiting to be finalized by a judge but that doesn't mean anything to me anymore as it's over.

 

I don't know what to do, I guess I could remain friends with her and never make moves on her again. Keep her strictly as a friend and only hang out with her when all my other friends are busy (ie: during down time on the weekends). But I'm wondering if that's just a waste of my time... In a way I feel like I should get out there and experience new things in life. Meet new people and make new friends. Enjoy life and all it has to offer rather than wasting my time with her...

 

I guess I'm confused because we never been just friends, we've always started as lovers and I might always expect more.

[troubledhusband]

I think I got my answer at

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-love-and-war/201405/the-10-worst-reasons-stay-friends-your-ex

[oldshirt]

I have a simpler answer - you are being played the chump and the fool.

 

She is using you for entertainment, companionship, dinners and movies, and is getting her ego stroked and validation from having you chase her but she is giving you nothing in return.

 

She is getting her sex and excitement and orgasms from some other dude while she is getting foot rubs and errands and favors from you while you go to bed at the end of the day with a hard on, a full tank and nothing but frustration.

 

You are the chump here.

 

The worst part if this is you are burning daylight chasing her and hoping you can win her over and that is taking you off of the market and holding you back so you aren't finding someone that will be into you.

 

This is worse than nothing. You may feel like you are making progress and getting something but you are not. You are digging a hole and are less than zero and every time you think about her, talk to her, email her, see her and especially spend time with her, you are wasting your time, money and energies that you could be spending moving forward with your own life.

 

If you spend the time, money and energy you spend on her towards getting out and meeting new people, you'd have some girlfriends and some FWBs of your own and she would just be someone in your past.

[troubledhusband]

I must be insane since I am doing the same thing over and over again and still expect a different outcome. Well, more or less...

 

I stopped attending the Meetup events but I went to a different social event I run into her. She became my kryptonite because the moment I saw her at this rooftop I started drinking and acting like an idiot towards her and her friends.

 

I hit bottom low and got kicked out of the place by security because I was too drunk and bothering other people. I'm just a complete utter idiot and then I had an epiphany (and I don't mean that I shouldn't get drunk, that goes without saying).

 

For the last year I've been acting a fool because of the way I've been thinking. I've been negative and harsh with myself, been blaming myself. It has been the way I was thinking that dragged me down deeper and deeper in a whole that it made me feel like almost impossible to climb out of. While I may be at the bottom of this endless whole, I now know what the problem is and it makes it easier for me to fix it.

 

I moved and have a new apt that I like, I am also in the process of getting a better job and hence advance my career. All my friends tolled me that I should be happy and glad that I am free of my ex and yet I wasn't even excited. I've been happy for my brother, his wife and his kids while at the same time I envy them. They represent the happy life I always wanted and it took me a long time to be able to be happy around my nephews which now bring joy and keep asking about me

 

So there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's a different shade from what I expected a year ago, but is progress never the less.

 

I emailed my ex, apologized for my behavior while drunk and tolled her about my negative thinking and how she too might be having the same patterns. I'm not sure she understands as her reply was all too angry and emotional for which I cannot blame her. Bad idea, I know... at least I apologized and tried to warn her. You can only take the horse to the water, you can't force it to drink it too.

[Mr. Lucky]

I emailed my ex, apologized for my behavior while drunk and tolled her about my negative thinking and how she too might be having the same patterns. I'm not sure she understands as her reply was all too angry and emotional for which I cannot blame her. Bad idea, I know... at least I apologized and tried to warn her. You can only take the horse to the water, you can't force it to drink it too.

 

What you should be doing is riding a different horse. She's proven she doesn't care about you so it follows she doesn't care about your explanations. Let it go my friend, let it go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[troubledhusband]

and prob more than a year since she cheated on me LOL

 

There I am... Waiting for new furniture to be delivered, waiting for my background check to clear for my new financial job and at the moment waiting for new grl friends to pick me up so they cand take me out dance.

 

Everything is more than fine, it's awesome. Yet I am not happy and two nights ago I had an extreme erotic dream about my ex... Why? Beats me... I gues my subconscient is hanging on to what she represented to me. My wife, my true love (ya right... she doesn't deserve that title) the mother of my kids (thank God we didn't have kids). But mostly the woman that shattered my heart into prices and them stepped all over them. A sex addict, a low life that blames everything on everyone around her and doesn't know how to take responsibility for her own doing...

 

Then again, what does it matter? What pisses me off is how much she's still running though my mind after a whole year. I got used to it and I hope once I start the new job that all the new things I will learn will distract my mind off of her and allow me to take interest into someone worthy of my love. I know she's out there. The devil couldn't possibly be hidden in ALL of the women. Some angels are out there hard to find

 

The the phone rings... Gotta go party

[troubledhusband]

I think I became addicted to drama... How is it that I go out with my friends, have a good time and then when I get tipsy and back home I feel this urge to rant on and on about my ex? What is wrong with me? I need to stop it and I don't know how (beside cutting out the drinking which I moderate a lot better now-a-days) Would filling up my time and keeping busy ever take her off my mind?

 

Anyhow, to my surprise she didn't get offended by my rant which I ended up emailing her. Probably because I apologized once I realize that I did send her my rant (my intention was just to jug it down and not email her). Next time I should write it down on paper and not on a tablet... that way I can't just open up the email and cut-n-paste it LOL

 

So ya... I think I became addicted to drama... either that or I'm just plain old stupid...

 

And her reply:

You know X I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

 

You might believe it or not but I loved you and I wanted a family with you.

 

 

I wouldn't get so mad with you all the time if I were not to give a crap.

 

 

Hopefully soon you'll be over it.

 

I learned better but to over analyze things of the past... I just want her off my mind and not present in my thoughts and thus daily life...

[MJJean]

One common piece of advice I have seen when people are trying to quit a habit is to change how you think by deliberately changing what you think about. for example, your wife pops into your thoughts and you immediately turn your attention elsewhere. The more you do that, the less she'll cross your mind.

[troubledhusband]

I was gonna keep a NC but couldn't help myself but to email her a subject line of "I belive you hit the wrong button on LinkedIn because you just requested to connect" LOL

 

I've been bad with emails to her in the past especially when under the influence of alcahol simply because I didn't give a rats butt anymore and she needed to hear the truth about herself. Words (better said insults) I've used were unfortunately all based on real facts. I'm not even sure why I ever loved someone like her, I know I married her to help her with her green card status believing that maybe just maybe she does love me somewhere there hidden under all of her issues and sick mentallity. Ohh boy, was I wrong!

 

So ya, I'm celabrating one year since she confessed to me that she no longer loves me when the day before she was using the "I love you" words out of habbit LOL

 

I am eager to look at a life of NC with this woman. Hope she's happy and doing well for herself.

Edited August 11, 2015 by troubledhusband

[troubledhusband]

I admit, I've been juvenile and sent her some nasty emails in the past.

Most of the time after I would run into her at a social event, and then I stopped drinking that much.

 

This month for what would have been the 3rd anniversary she sent me a txt asking me not to go by her apt because she moved (as if I would, not to mention that I completely forgot about that forsaken anniversary). The following day she emailed me the same info just in case I didn't receive her txt message. Then the next day she e-mailed me more details letting me know how she now lives by herself (I guess no more sleeping in the same bed with her girl friend roommate) and she's so much better with spending money, that she became a "clean freak" and how proud I would be of her.

 

All this happen a good year after the separation and each time I get messages from her my stomach turns upside down. I've been ignoring them and I will keep on ignoring them perhaps she'll get the message. I just can't believe how love and lust turned into this grows out feeling, then again... that's a direct result of her own behavior (I'm sure she could say the same about me).

 

I don't even care nor try to understand what she's trying to accomplish by telling me all this crap over her emails... Perhaps she's feeling lonely and I'm her blanked of security till she start dating the next guy (won't be the first time she did that). Perhaps she wants more revenge hence me being proud of her, or simply she doesn't want me to be mad at her... who cares? I've been moving on from that damaged goods.

 

Unlike her that kept on talking to her first ex-husband, I explained to her that Xes are Xes for a reason and that I choose not to keep in touch with any of them because the past is the past and should stay in the past. One will only find pain living in the past.

 

I guess via my NC now she finally realize what I meant by that and hopefully one day she'll lose my phone number and forget my email address.

Edited August 28, 2015 by troubledhusband

[qubist]

I admit, I've been juvenile and sent her some nasty emails in the past.

Most of the time after I would run into her at a social event, and then I stopped drinking that much.

 

This month for what would have been the 3rd anniversary she sent me a txt asking me not to go by her apt because she moved (as if I would, not to mention that I completely forgot about that forsaken anniversary). The following day she emailed me the same info just in case I didn't receive her txt message. Then the next day she e-mailed me more details letting me know how she now lives by herself (I guess no more sleeping in the same bed with her girl friend roommate) and she's so much better with spending money, that she became a "clean freak" and how proud I would be of her.

 

All this happen a good year after the separation and each time I get messages from her my stomach turns upside down. I've been ignoring them and I will keep on ignoring them perhaps she'll get the message. I just can't believe how love and lust turned into this grows out feeling, then again... that's a direct result of her own behavior (I'm sure she could say the same about me).

 

I don't even care nor try to understand what she's trying to accomplish by telling me all this crap over her emails... Perhaps she's feeling lonely and I'm her blanked of security till she start dating the next guy (won't be the first time she did that). Perhaps she wants more revenge hence me being proud of her, or simply she doesn't want me to be mad at her... who cares? I've been moving on from that damaged goods.

 

Unlike her that kept on talking to her first ex-husband, I explained to her that Xes are Xes for a reason and that I choose not to keep in touch with any of them because the past is the past and should stay in the past. One will only find pain living in the past.

 

I guess via my NC now she finally realize what I meant by that and hopefully one day she'll lose my phone number and forget my email address.

poor girl, I wish someone can just guide her to get over all this. obviously it can't be you be cause you might not by neutral.

just curious, do you still have feelings for her?

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess via my NC now she finally realize what I meant by that and hopefully one day she'll lose my phone number and forget my email address.

 

Unless there's kids involved, why not be proactive on your end? Pretty easy to block her phone/email or simply delete messages without reading them. She can't mess with your head and peace of mind unless you allow her to.

 

Are you sure you're not holding on to this last little connection ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[troubledhusband]

Sure I liked being married and the securities a family provides. I hope to fall in love and next time really be loved by the woman I will call wife. First, I have to start dating her

 

Am I hanging on to the very least connection with an immature woman that gave up on such goals or didn't seem me as her husband and didn't knew how to love? No!

 

I only regret investing so much time into someone for nothing. Then again, things don't always turn out as we want them to.

 

Is just that I wish it will register in her thick skull through my NC that I never want anything to do with her and cut the innocent BS or whatever little conscience she's trying to prove at her game and let me be. I let her go and stopped bothering her, yes I messed up along the way but eventually I let her be.

 

So yes, once I recive the divorce certificate in the mail I will simply delete any electronic correspondence she'll send me w/o even reading it. Till then I feel somewhat obligated to make sure I'm not being involved in some stupid legal stuff that she could commit and drag me down. That's the only little connection I'm holding on to.

[troubledhusband]

Not sure why but she felt compeled to call me today and tell me she got her permanent green card. I picked up the phone without checking the number so... I said hi, good for you and then hung up.

 

Problem is the txt messages that I sent her after words. I still get so heat up when I hear from her. I literally hate her for hurting me and will never forgive her for what she did. I wish I could, but I can never see myself. I will forget about her in time... and when I will remember her is always going to be as the one that cheated on her bf and later on her husband and the one that had my heart and tore it to pieces simply because she couldn't be happy and accept me for whom I am. She had to change me, though of me as an ******* as the looser that abused her when in fact she was the one to do the abusing.

 

Anyhow, I hope one day she will find the hapiness she left me for. I also gave her the link to this blog... This is gonna be interesting...

[pravinbh]

If your wife finally decides, she want a divorce then no need to live with her, because she don't love and she don't care.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Call INS, they might have a different opinion on her potential status than you. Don't waste anymore emotions, money or time on her. Spend as little time at "home" as possible. Don't go after a non citizen next time.

[troubledhusband]

I started my new job and thus changed my career two weeks ago and just as predicted out of the blue when I least expected my lawyer emailed me to go pick up the certified copy of the divorce papers. I finally feel like is all over.

 

I let my ex know and is funny because since I don't have her phone number anymore and the layer charges $25 per certified copy I callled her at work. Funny thing is how she no longer goes by her English name, rather she now goes by her real name woth an European pronunciation. Makes me wonder if with the divorce, her new job from when we split and everything else she's now trying a new life. Good for her! She also agreed to change her last name to her maiden name. I onsisted on that because I don't want any connection left between us! I made that clear to her over the email exhange we had sonce she wasn't at work but at the hospital checking up on some chest pain. Hope she's fine, none of my concern anymore...

 

So it has come, the end of a nightmare and hopefully the beggining of something better in my life. I hope to find a woman that is capable of loving me without all the insecurities and BS all my ex-es has demonstrated in my past relationships. I know she is out there and I am to meet her. Hooefully sooner than later...