Married 2 years now she wants a divorce but we still live together

[troubledhusband]

Beside think about it for one second, I am helping her move out by giving back to her the money I used for bills thus I am helping myself get my life back faster by not delaying her move.

 

This whole separation took longer than it should have, and me "partying" is me hanging out with friends to keep away from home or to wait on my friend to get home or for him to be done with his girl friend.

 

This is just all temporary and it will all finally go away tomorrow.

 

Then I can finally start recovering and coping with the whole drama and tragedy of it. When I will also have a place I can call home, return to a normal schedule and enter a normal routine without her being around or part of my life.

[2sunny]

Ok then.

 

Looks like you don't need suggestions then.

 

Have at it!

[troubledhusband]

She moved out last Saturday and in a hurry... left the place a mess.

 

I moved back in Sunday and had to go enter the apt for the first time after she moved with a friend as I didn't have the strength to do it alone. Last night was the first night back in the apt all by myself and I never felt more lonely and abandoned. I needed that to let the reality sink in so I can start moving on.

 

She still has few boxes left behind and the two cats. I'm happy I gave her the cash needed because she used the movers to go to IKEA and buy her new bed and etc. with the credit card point that accumulated over the years.

 

I know I made this way too easy on her and that she might not deserve it. Even with all the drama we had gone through. I feel like the worst 6 weeks of my life are finally over and I get to start fresh... only if I could stop thinking about her every minute while I run into one of her belongings. I really need to leave that apt and move to the city before I break down.

[AnikaRose]

You poor guy. I feel really bad for you! You were not treated right at all and you sound like such a nice guy. You should be proud of yourself for holding it together so well and being the bigger person.

I hope you do not get jaded from this experience, but just smarter. You can love again, but just next time, make sure the woman has no reason to be with you other than to be with you.

[troubledhusband]

I do think she wanted to be with me because she loved me. We just got lost on the way because she's too emotional and keeps things bottled in. I only found out what bothered when she first asked for a divorce a year ago and then again this second time around. The only difference is, this time around she already slept with someone else.

 

She moved out of the apt into her own 1 week ago and last I've seen her was when she was picking up some of her left over stuff from my place. When she saw me she run away fast and I held her for a quick conversation talking mostly about when she will get the rest of her stuff. She was avoiding eye contact at all cost.

 

Because I still have the cats till next week and I am still cleaning up the atp and put all of her stuff in boxes (we're down to small stuff now like vitamins, creams etc stuff from closets including xMass ornaments and kitchen spices), I regretfully admin that NC is better than arguing which is all we've done. Hurting each other by txt-ing one nice thing and one bad thing.

 

It's been mostly me telling her how much I miss her and then unconsciously hurting her by saying stupid things such as how I removed her photos from the family collage at my parents house. Or how when I sleep at night I turn around to hug her and she's not there, how I wake up in the morning and look over her dresser for her to put on her makeup and the dresser is not there, how I come home and there is no one to greet me. I wasn't thinking about this before, but all those things must hurt her just as much if not more even if she's the one that wanted the divorce.

 

I offered to drop one of her boxes by her new apt door and she asked me to drop it off in the front of the building because she does not want me up. It pissed me off and I tolled her we all don't want certain things from life such as loving someone that abandons you which was a mistake. I should have never let my emotions take over.

 

So NC is better for both parties. If things were to work out it wouldn't have gotten this far in the first place. I can't wait for her to pick up the cats since she'll have to contact me for the last time to leave home when she comes by. I do think that might be one of the last conversations we'll have until the divorce papers get filed which hopefully will go smooth and by mail.

 

I miss her, I love(ed) her and I can't live without her. But she left me and I will have to survive. All that contacting her does is to calm emotions for a bit, and that's really just sending me back to square one. Love is like a drug you can only get over by NC. It will go away in time... but it will never be forgotten.

[Purepony]

Shes a scum bag stop giving her Money!

 

She turned her back on you! Let the new Guy pay

[2sunny]

She will use you as long as you allow it.

[troubledhusband]

I gave her money to move out so I can sleep in a bed again. Although since she might have (never denied the accusation of) brough someone else over and slept with him in this very same bed. I stopped giving her money since she moved out a week ago.

 

As it stands right now, I think I am comfortable with the idea that she's settled in and moving on. She wants nothing to do with me although she still needs my help.

 

I talked to a divorce lawyer today and there isn't much I can do since there have been two years into the marriage. The only thing I could do to get revenge (because it def does not help me at all) would be to annul the marriage since she registered her previous marriage with the foreign gov. Legally, she is now married to one man in Europe and to me in the states at the same time even duh she divorced him in the states (she tried to register the divorce in Europe as well but the bureaucracy there prevented her). That goes against the state law.

 

The problem is... Is not gonna change how I feel for her and lawyer fees are more expensive than a normal no-fault divorce. Me doing so is only going to make things worst for her and her ex husband that too remarried since then. This won't just hurt her, but destroy her ex as well (I think his marriage is fake so now I could hurt another US citizen). This is not who I am. Although I'm sure that if you ask her... You get a complete different answer.

 

At least she loved me in the begging, so I think... I am starting to give up. Is another way of moving on.

Edited September 30, 2014 by troubledhusband

[troubledhusband]

I agree with you... a new woman in my life will make me get over my ex faster. However, do you think I can open up to someone else new so fast?

 

I'm not a *ho** to get over things so fast...

 

Anyhow, I am going to file for the divorce sooner rather than later since I need to be legally separated from her. I don't want anything at all to do with her anymore.

[beach]

If anything of hers is left behind at this point - throw it out today.

 

 

If it was anything she needed it would have been moved by now.

 

 

Yes file. Get it finished so you can have a fresh start.

 

Don't give her one more penny!

[troubledhusband]

Last night she stopped by to pick up the cats. At least I knew this was going to happen two weeks in advance so I was able to take my proper good bye from them. I miss the little kittens and will miss them more than her.

 

I emptied out the entire apt and put all her belongings as well as all the kitchen supplies and everything else in the living room for her to either throw out or take it with her. My apt is fully empty but the bed, two tables, chairs and a couch.

 

She even took the vacuum cleaner which I was okay with on the condition that she vacuums the floors before she leaves. Of course she didn't bother. Now I have to borrow one from a friend to clean up the mess left behind the second time.

 

I am glad everything of hers and almost everything we purchased together is gone and out of here. I now have the option to buy all the stuff to my like and make this into my home even for the short duration I will live here for till I move.

 

Next week I am off on vacation. I'll have to ask my lawyer to start filing the divorce and then I will have to start saving money to move. I still think about her and dream of her but I started making a rational decision to change my mind when I catch myself doing so by playing chess online, watch a new movie, anything to keep my mind busy and my thoughts free of her or our time together. Last night I took a cab home and the driver took me past a place in the city we hanged out, emotions came right back.

 

I am glad there is nothing left between us but the legal marriage because now I can finally delete her number from my phone so no more contact.

Edited October 5, 2014 by troubledhusband

[troubledhusband]

That didn't last long...

 

She txt me last night about the joint checking account and credit card payments. I decided to close the joint accounts as she kept using them and claimed that the credit card was stolen. She finally gave me an explanation, in her own words "I didn't realized until one day [that she no longer loves me]. And it was too late".

 

I guess now I know why my marriage has ended so abruptly. How one Monday morning she kissed me good bye, tolled me that she loves me and when I came home she asked for the divorce. How a week later when I was sleeping on my friends couches she was bringing other men home.

 

In her mind, that's all justifiable LOL

 

I asked her not to talk to me unless there is an emergency or she needs help with the divorce papers my lawyer is soon going to send her.

[troubledhusband]

After I shut off her phone service I still ended up sending her an email this morning. I figured that if I don't know her number I will stop bothering her.

 

I guess I am just weak... I felt that she should know how much I miss her and want her back even after she moved out. So I expressed all that in an e-mail and then I asked her if she's willing to at least date me few months from now like 6 or so once all this cools off. I think by then the divorce will be final as well.

 

Her reply... vague and to the point:

I can't promise anything.

Even though you can offer me the family i want, I'm still afraid we'll end up back here. And i will still feel like I'm [not] ur #1 person in ur life.

 

I need my time to see how i would fee about it.

 

4 years you can't erase them and i still care about you but i don't think i love you anymore.

 

Don't know.

 

We'll see in the future.

 

I'm not sure what makes her feel that she's not the #1 person in my life.

Half of me thinks that she is just over it and since she is out already in her own apartment she wants to have her own life separated from me and that I should move on and start my life fresh.

 

The other half of me can't let her go because of my feelings for her. I feel that I did her wrong somehow without even being aware of what I was doing. I was too blind to see my own wife sad and falling out of love with me.

 

Then again, could I have done anything to prevent this? Probably not... same outcome would come of it unless she would open up to me and share the way she truly felt and what bothered her on the spot instead of letting things pile up.

 

So what now? Well... until I get over her I'll still "wait" for her. If she changes her mind before I fell out of love with her... I might give our marriage a go. Chances are she's done, and I should move on.

 

I really need to stop talking to her cold turkey.

 

Perhaps is time for me to go see a therapist and start working on coping with my divorce.

Edited October 15, 2014 by troubledhusband

[beach]

Yes, please seek help.

 

Your way isn't working.

[troubledhusband]

I didn't see a therapist, instead after I talked to more and more friends of mine and some in common as well as some strangers about the divorce and after all of the friends that knew her both male and female tolled me that at some point or another they had seen her not care much about me either from her body language or from the things she said or done I got my closure.

 

Two weeks ago I emailed her to meet up so I can get some closure on our marriage, then realized I probably just wanted to see her more than get my closure from her so I canceled it the next day. Haven't talked to her since then. I am trying to keep a NC till the legal paperwork both for her green card and for the divorce goes through and I hope that by then I will have enough money saved up to move out of the apt we lived in. I want to go to the city where single life is quite nice especially for my age.

 

My closure came from talking to all those people which were outsiders per say and realizing that not one of them had too many nice things to say about her. Yes, on the outside we were the perfect couple but on the inside we were damaged because of her insecurities and untruest in me. She needs to be made feel like the #1 woman in her SO's life and also be his universe.

 

That's not realistic. One can not be constantly affectionate or else the relationship is not healthy. I remember she used to kiss me a whole lot which I though it was cute and I enjoyed it and then once I had to ask her to stop kissing me while I was chewing my food at dinner simply because I was hungry. Then she never did that again, I had to make out with her while making love but she stopped being so affectionate. That's the type of person she is. Later she tolled me she did the same with her mom when she was a kid that she used to kiss her a lot and then her mom asked her to stop kissing her kind of in the same scenario as I did and then she never kissed her again. I don't think that's normal.

 

This did not changed the way I feel about her which right now is less and less as important to me since she abandoned me. Even some of her girl friends said that she's not all right or that smart to have done what she has done considering even the hard times we've been through.

 

I can't believe I was so blind for the past 2 years. I'm not even sure why she stayed married with me after she asked for a divorce the first summer we were together. I guess she gave it a second chance and I appreciate that of her.

 

She always seemed to be happy or at least normal and she never portrayed there was a problem outside of the old issues we had at the begging of the relationship which I through we moved past but she constantly would bring back. She kept yelling about the same small things during our arguments and I refuse to believe that those are reasons enough to stop loving someone. Yet, apparently they must be, especially in conjunction with the bigger picture. Perhaps she never really loved me to start with. I stopped wondering or trying to find an answer and I started to think less and less about it.

 

Is funny how at the end she picked a small argument and she carried it over and over and did not let it end. She wanted out so bad however, I'm not surprised she left me. I would have done the same to her given I would have lost my trust in her (even duh she had no reason to do so) and would have stopped loving her. One thing I would have done different is to inform her of the problem up front rather that stop the marriage cold turkey. I consider this to be a very weak personality trade. I also don't think is okay that she always argued with me and wasn't able to just talk things through. I think it was her lack of interest or perhaps she just wanted to be in control all the time since she NEVER apologized to me for anything she's done wrong but once when I had to ask her to.

 

I think the only reason this marriage lasted 2 years was strictly for her green card and although I was aware things will change in 2 years I never expected her to just ask for a divorce and start sleeping with other guys within a week after she asked for the divorce. Good for her, she's a woman that knows what she wants and is not me. Let her find her own way in life.

 

To me, she's made of stone, fake and with no real feelings... I am glad this marriage is over even though I miss that lifestyle and the cats.

Edited October 28, 2014 by troubledhusband

[troubledhusband]

And it happened. Almost two weeks before she needs my help to sign for her permanent green card application just like clock work and just like before when she asked for the divorce two weeks before our two year anniversary, she emailed me twice 20 mins apart also on a Monday asking me if I'm alright and then sending me a photo of the cats. 20 mins latter she followed up with a call from a unlisted number. I said hello, she introduced herself informal by her nick name and not first name (she never called herself that before with me) and then I hunged up on her.

 

I'm not sure what she wanted but I can guess that she just wants to have me on good terms knowing that soon she needs my help with her paper work and immigration status.

 

Few things bother me:

1) Just last weekend for Haloween I got drunk and messaged her on FB all kind of nasty things that I felt miserable the next morning when I realized what I said and apologized to her (I know, I should have never done either)

2) I promised and gave her my word that I will help her with her immigration status, so why bother checking in on me

3) We're over, why is she contacting me now 3 months later and almost 2 months after she's been living by herself (not that I even care as I am done with her)

 

Anyhow, talked with my lawyer and I'm filing the divorce this week. It's long overdue and it won't hurt her immigration status as she will be married by the time her paper work goes through. The divorce takes longer.

[BetrayedH]

You shouldn't give a shi.t about her or her fuc.king green card.

[troubledhusband]

Yes, I didn't reply to her email and hanged up the phone on her. The next day I spoke with a friend about the incident and decided to find the truth from her FB account. I simply reset her password since she used an email address at a domain name that I own and have access to all in-boxes. I know is wrong but who cares? She lied to me before so...

 

I looked through her FB messages and she broke it up with the guy she was sleeping with before she meet and and right after she left me because she found someone that she wants to get serious with in only the 6 weeks after she left me. However, she's been trying to get in touch with this new bf of her by messaging things like "I'm sorry if I hurt you I am worried about you, where are you?" and then she messaged his friends asking about his where about.

 

After that, I started to delete all the photos of me that she had on FB which took for ever since they go back 4 years and I found out she got a pregnancy and STD test since last week she received her results (both negative, thank God) which she send to her new bf whose reply was simply "Halilouya :)". I found out because she took a screen shoot of them on her phone and her pics sync to her FB account.

 

As it turns out we were actually at the same Halloween party, not the day I got drunk and messaged her but the following Saturday. I do remember I was having fun with my friends and this girl kept staring at me on the dance floor. She had a mask so I didn't recognized her, but I did recognized the mask in her FB pics from the Halloween party and noticed her messages inviting people to the same party.

 

I think her getting "dumped" by that guy after she took the pregnancy and STD tests and running into me on the dance floor where i was with a group of 5 female friends having fun made her desire me again or something. Made her want to call me and see how I am doing... who knows what's in her head but one thing is for sure... she's insane to even think I would take her back or be friends with her in the future.

 

After I was done cleaning up the photos on her FB I emailed her the new password and asked her to setup her privacy settings and not use an email I have access to. That e-mail chain spawned into a 2 days back and forth mostly about the fact that she didn't love me and how I could end this marriage on adultery charges since she went with somebody so soon after separation.

 

Irrespective of all that, I know I shouldn't have dragged out those emails so far but her tone was full of anger and revenge. Only once did she say something semi-nice to me such as "You have a good heart but sometimes your behavior ruins it." Then she went on defense about not have cheated on me over and over again but not about that she loved me. Only twice in about a dozen of replies she mentioned that. I think she's finally coming to understand the difference between lust, physical attraction and love.

 

At some point she even threw in some hope stating something like "Maybe ..... maybe I would've thought twice about the divorce. But look at ur behavior during this separation. After this - I do not have any doubts we're over and there's nothing to work on." I had to go on explain to her that my behavior (logging on to her FB to check up on her and etc) is nothing compared to her bringing guys over while I was crashing on couches, or going back to her FWB from before she knew me with which she could have just as well cheated on me during the marriage all those days she came home late and not to mention the pregnancy and STD tests from last week.

 

Anyhow, I made it clear to her that is over between us and that I might help her with her green card even though she doesn't deserve it, deceived me and never loved me. I haven't yet made a decision about it, and I know you all would not help her.

Edited November 7, 2014 by troubledhusband

[bigman1]

Wow, just read your thread. You need to get counseling. Co-dependency, look it up, please. Also DO NOT help with the green card. Talk to an immigration or criminal lawyer about marriage fraud and criminal elements. You might be committing it if you keep helping. And yes, the feds do prosecute that. Seriously.

 

As a side note, you were used for green card purposes. I've seen it before. Usually, they wait till they are official. It goes like your story, find nice guy...

[elaine567]

You need to cut contact, do what you want to do re the green card, but stay away from her. Do not lie for her, re the green card. She is not worth getting into trouble with the law for.

 

She is sucking all the life from you and you finding out about new boyfriends is doing you no good either. She has made it plain, she does not love you, by her words and her actions. Get over it. You were merely her ticket to a new life.

 

Leave any contact with her to your lawyer and walk away, do not answer any calls and emails.

 

Some can remain friends with their ex, but usually in those cases, there is not such a history of cheating and drama.

 

Move on and don't look back, be very grateful you found out now.

[troubledhusband]

Ya, I'm okay without therapy. Enough time has gone by and many things have happen including her messing around and me meeting new people for my social life to take off again and not feel that lonely any more.

 

I wasn't codependent, I was just in love and living in denial. Things are clear to me now and am ready to move on with my life.

 

The divorce is imminent as for her gc, is her problem. She made her own bed with my blankets and now she has to sleep in it too.

[troubledhusband]

That won't happen. She emailed me asking for a copy of our old lease with both our names on it and to meet in order for me to sign her application.

 

I would have done it too considering that I had strong feelings for her and I still think of her every day but I couldn't do it knowing that she never loved me to start with.

 

I decided not to give her my signature especially since she still has her path to naturalization though a divorce as well.

 

The last drop for me wasn't all those guys she kept sleeping with shortly after she asked for the divorce, many people go on a rampage to get over someone. It was this one note she wrote on her phone after she meet up with one of her ex boyfriends she dated in between her first ex husband and me about a week or so before she asked for the divorce.

 

In the note she confesed her love for this man for the last 7 years, 4 of which she was with me, 2 of which we've been married. I never seen her so pasionate about me. Her phone synced the note to her email and I recently forwarded to myself since I have access to her old inbox:

I thought seeing you, would work;

I was hoping, I'll hate you.

I thought I would be saying

"oh how stupid I was."

I was hoping all of these

But I felt none.

So, here I am.

Like nothing happend,

All again, from the beginning.

But now it's even stronger.

I knew what I felt,

It was right

I knew loving you,

Wasn't wrong.

So now what?

You are married

I am married

What to do?

What to do when

You still don't like me

What to do?

Don't even know.

I guess my life

Will go on,

The way it did

For the last 7 years.

If you only knew,

How much love

I have for you.

But you don't even care,

How stupid of me.

How stupid of me,

Writing again about you.

Oh, if only.

If only i could,

Press a Button

And erase u

From my life.

I wish I could say:

"screw you.."

But I end up,

Screwing my self.

Unfortunately, there is

No cure, for my love

To you - if

If, only you would know

How much I could possibly

Love you

If only ....

I don't understand myself.

I don't understand how,

I can love someone so much,

Someone that thinks I'm crazy

Someone that has nothing

To give to me

But -pity.

I don't understand .

It seems like a pure love,

I have for you.

I wish to know ,

How would it be,

To be in a relationship

With you.

But more I wish

For you to feel

Just 1% of what

I feel for you.

Never it will happen, though.

It's like an unattainable paradise.

Goodbye,

And hopefully in 7 years from now,

I won't feel like this.

I hate you <lover>,

For all the love I feel for you.

 

I know she's not worth any of my feelings I had for her, but I still miss her much at moments. Can't wait for all this to blow over with.

 

She also tried to file for the divorce the next day I refused to sign. I tolled her if she does I will contest it and file myself for adultery since that's what she commited. She calmed down and is waiting for me to file the divorve for no-fault in January.

[troubledhusband]

Last week out of the blue she txt me and then followed up in an e-mail all her messages to me in case I didn't receive them:

 

Hey guess whos txt u?

 

I do not know why I'm txt u maybe because I'm just a bit tipsy. U txt me millions of txt messages. I get the right to txt u couple

 

I do not know why am i doing this. I realized i don't even.know myself anymore

 

I also know that i tried my best to make u happy. And i felt like i always sucked at it. I felt that <M.> talking about biology and other crap stuff wad able to always get ur attention

 

I felt that me talking about what i felt never matter to u. Money and science i felt like they were ur priority. That's how i felt and u have the right to believe what u want

 

Yes it would be nice to have a family and ur kids but how would i feel in the end? Would i be miserable or be happy with my family

 

I hate ur cleaning obsession. My alt actually looks very nice now. And i clean it because I'm not pushed by anyone. Having a mess in the apt does not making anyone depressed - like u used to get. I was expecting u that seeing me it would brighten ur day. But i never felt this way

 

U said i was insecure. U gave me reasons for it. The small time i was with others i actually trusted them. Because they made me trust them. U never did.

 

U wanted to know how i feel - well this is how i feel <troubledhusband>. This is how i felt always. Not good enough for u. Not caring about financials, cleaning and science - that's what u cared and i didn't. Does it make u happy paul that ur apt is clean? That u have money in ur bank acct? Tell me <troubledhusband> how happy are u now? How happy are u hanging out with ur stupid bitches? Tell me <troubledhusband>!!!!

 

I don't have what you could've offerd me - a family. But I'm not stressed about any financials - even though I'm doing ok. I'm not dealing with forced cleaning even though my apt is beautiful. I'm not feeling insecure even though I'm single. There u go <troubledhusband> - u have it all. Now digest it!

 

One last thing: i look in the mirror and i found myself beatiful. That is because now one (you) is there to point out any imperfection i have. Any pimple, any fat on the hips. You used to look at me and point out the worst of me. Why <troubledhusband>? I already know my imperfections - no need for my husband to point them out.

I'm not sure what she's after, perhaps she just broke up with her new boy friend and was lonely, had one too many and decided to vent. Who knows, who cares?

 

There is nothing in her messages that's new. All she keeps on doing is going back to the begging of the relationship 3 years ago when she had me stop talking to my best girl friend (no romance ever) from college <M.>.

 

As for the money situation, give me a break. Our combine income was more than 150k a year and yet we lived from pay check to pay check.

 

Over the last weekend she asked me on a vacation for this holiday season. I liked the idea but I decided to sleep on it and yesterday I asked to talk to her face to face. The first talk we had since she left me. I agreed to meet her at her new apt since I wanted to see the cats which didn't even recognized me anymore.

 

When I got there the cab driver that drove her home from the city where she had her xMass work party was cleaning up her vomit from the back seat. I tipped the guy since I felt bad for him and when I got upstairs she was drunk in the bathroom. I hanged with her roommate for a bit till she came out and all she did was to biker and bitch about me not having a worry that I make enough money and that I am a US citizen bla bla bla... When I asked why she wanted to go on vacation with me, she said that we've been together 4 years, what's it another week?

 

When her roommate left to see her bf, I left because there was no one I could talk to. She was already laying on the bed passed out drunk.

 

Give or take she was drunk, I asked her if she wanted to post pone the meeting to another day once she tolled me she was coming home "tipsy".

 

This morning she txt me that her roommate is going to stay with her bf tonight and that I can come by to have that talk. I'm not sure I want to even talk to her. It's obvious she's in trouble be it financial or with her green card stuff... is really irrelevant. This was her choice and doing and after seeing her like this I am no longer even attracted to her nor do I even like her as a friend.

 

I might stop by just to see what she has to say sober... Maybe I get some kind of final closure, not that I need it.

Edited December 9, 2014 by troubledhusband

[beach]

There's nothing you need to hear her say.

 

Block her from all communication.

[BetrayedH]

She's a manipulative psycho.

 

File for divorce on grounds of adultery. And do the 180.