Married 2 years now she wants a divorce but we still live together

[troubledhusband]

We meet to speak at a bar/restaurant and things didn't go too well.

 

She walked on me in the first 5 mins before drinks even came out because of the dead silence and that I brought up the few guys she went with after me. And she had this silly laugh on her face kinda insulting.

 

Anyhow, after she left I finished my dinner and txt her. We ended up deciding to talk after all and I ended up at her new apt with a bottle of red wine. After we talked and we insulted each other a bit more she got really sentimental and hurt about my behavior and how I neglected her during the marriage. So I leaned in and kissed her. We ended up making love. I sent her flowers at work today with a teddy bear, a box of chocolates and a note thanking her for last night as well asking her to go with me on vacation this holiday season.

 

Communications between us started to kick up and I invited her and her roommate to join me for drink after work since I wrapped up a long time project to celebrate. She invited me to join them at their dinner instead since they are already out.

 

When I slept over and when we cuddle she cried in my arms because she really wanted our marriage to work out and things simply didn't. She still thinks that people don't change and if we end up back together we'll have the same set of problems. I beg to differ. I believe that if we learn from our past mistakes and are patient with each other, stop arguing and fighting things will work out.

 

Yes, I am wiling to forgive her infidelity because I haven't been an angle myself and honestly despite what everyone is saying including family members and friends I am willing to risk more time if we could work things out.

 

Who would I be if I weren't to try it?

 

As for her green card, I think this pressure from between us should be eliminated. I will give her my signature for xMass as a present and if she so decides to move on in life without me so be it. I'll start with the 180 again and this time I won't try to fix our marriage.

[spanz1]

 

She is the one that wants to end the marriage so she needs to be the one that packs her bags and leave.

 

 

 

THAT is pretty obvious! you do not see that?

 

 

Tell her she can have her divorce. What do you care if her green card requires her to stay married to you? Let them deport her. Why are you licking the dirt off of her boots???

 

 

Please, for the love of humanity, stop this "cuddling" with this monster.

 

 

what is this signature on the green card thing? You DO realize it is a very serious crime to falsify marriage records for the purpose of her obtaining citizenship. YOU will go to jail. DO not let her manipulate you into doing a crime for her. they do random inspections to make sure the two of you are actually living together!

Edited December 11, 2014 by spanz1

[Quiet Storm]

I think you are making a big mistake. You're allowing love chemicals to drive your actions. Be smarter than that. Allow logic and experience to motivate your decisions. Don't be a slave to your emotions. You will be OK without her.

[ascendotum]

She's a manipulative psycho.

 

File for divorce on grounds of adultery. And do the 180.

 

Yep. I just read in the last few posts how his ex is now getting chummy with him, since he played hardball on signing paperwork for her recently to suit her citizenship. lol. OP, don't go on a holiday with her and don't spend the night at her new apt. She is playing you to suit her green card aspirations. If this ends up in front of some immigration review hearing she will be able to point out that as at the start of 2015 her marriage with you is still good and you are reconciling after a short seperation. She can say you two went on vacation just recently + you are sleeping together again. You know its BS, but it will help tick the boxes for her with immigration.

 

Luckily you found that note she wrote out to her ex husband confessing her love him, while married to you. Sorry but she stooged you for the GC. Don't become a chump and give her this xmas present that this good lil actress so desperately wants. She can work for it

Edited December 20, 2014 by ascendotum

[troubledhusband]

After I crashed at her apt that night we dated for about a week and a half.

She went as far as moving some of her stuff back in my apt (where she left from) and the first night she came back she cried her soul out because that apt reminded her of all our arguments and all of her depression.

 

Things were nice again, we were getting along despite the fact that we would crash at my place or her place when her roommate was not home. She hated my apt so we tried to crash over hers as much as possible. She even brought up the idea of moving in together in a different apt but she wanted to bring her roommate along since they've been long time friends and her roommate needs help till she settle in since she's just moved to town. At first I through the idea was ridiculous but then it grew on me. Financially it would make sense and it would give us enough time to heal from the bad experience until she finishes her master degree (a year) and then we could have saved money for a down payment.

 

Nice dreams, then again dating her stopped the moment I stopped being nice to her for a day because one night she broke the plans we had together when her roommate came back home and my x indirectly kicked me out and wanted to go have drinks with her instead of studying or resting for one of her master's final the next day.

 

I feel that she's very irresponsible and that she's leaving this college life she never had but now finally gets to experience. She's been sleeping around and experienced few short lived (month or two) "relationships" which she tolled me the sex was great and the guys were making her breakfast etc. (funny thing because I stopped making her breakfast years ago since she didn't like omelets, but apparently now she likes them as a sandwich and not an open plate).

 

Anyhow, while we got back together we did buy a cruise in the Caribbeans and then we broke up fast and left me hanging with the tickets. In the end I convinced her to come with me and for the most part the vacation was awesome. We still had sex almost each night and she enjoyed it although she stopped kissing me. I did get drunk on day and went all out on her because I felt used by her and hurt, then I apologized to her and the rest of the vacation was semi-okay. It became more awkward as she started to say no to sex more and more but she'll continue to cuddle with me and we still had great sex.

 

On the drive back home I got mad at her more and pissed her off a bit in the car to show her that's not just me the one that can't control their feelings but she does the same as well.

 

In the end we decided not to see each other again and to avoid each other for the time being but I already miss her. I think I am still in love with her and honestly although she keeps saying that she doesn't love me her body language and her actions sometimes seem controversy.

 

Yes, I did give her the signature for the green card because I know she hasn't entered this marriage just for papers and she hasn't played me all along. Along the way over the last 4 years I lost her. I lost her the moment I didn't treat her as the most important person in my life and she lost trust in me.

 

That's just who she is and I don't think she'll ever understand that what she's looking for does not exist. Or perhaps it does, but not with me. I'm starting to accept that my love for her is just not enough and it's best for both of us to let her go. This way she can keep on looking for what she wants and I can recover from a failed marriage and perhaps find the next woman to start a family with. One that will love me for whom I am, the way I am.

Edited January 5, 2015 by troubledhusband

[Brooke02]

Just read your thread start to finish...

 

5 months later your in the same boat, you should move on start healing. Your just making it worse for yourself, let her go, divorce her, block, heal, find someone who deserves you.. Be happy. Think about yourself for once, nut up.

[spanz1]

Just read your thread start to finish...

 

5 months later your in the same boat, you should move on start healing. Your just making it worse for yourself, let her go, divorce her, block, heal, find someone who deserves you.. Be happy. Think about yourself for once, nut up.

 

he has learned nothing, listened to no advice. He is out lots of money, and she is still screwing other guys while he pines away hoping she will come back.

 

 

She really did a number on him....he will need deprogramming I fear.

[troubledhusband]

Is hard for me to let go of her because of my strong feelings for her. I don't even know why I am still being attached to her nor why each time she communicates with me it makes my day better.

 

I am a romantic fool, an idiot for being in love with someone that does not love me back. You guys are right.

 

On the vacation it all felt so good even though she wasn't my lover anymore. I drunk too much one day and yelled horrible things at her. Apologized to her the next day and that's when I realized that's not who I am. Being with her turned me from this nice guy into this horrible angry person ready to explode with every chance he gets and I don't blame her for it. I blame myself for not being aware of this years ago when I first stopped talking to some of my friends she liked at first and then later she didn't get along with. Because down deep I knew that unless she'll stop thinking the way she was thinking we would never survive as a family. And she never stopped accusing me of things I never did or being jealous out of nothing and controlling me like a dog on a lease.

 

I was reading through the older post prior to her attempt last month to get back together that only lasted a week and a half and coincidentally it was right after one of her breakups and it was that love note I found in her email that woke me back up to reality.

 

She might have cared for me and even loved me. But she always held back for her own reasons and I am just having difficulties letting her go. My relationship with her was not always healthy but I loved her very much and I tried everything possible which made it only worst because this marriage should have been ended a year into it when she first asked for a divorce and not two years into.

 

It sucks, but you guys are right. I should move on and heal and perhaps fall in love again with someone that appreciates me for whom I am and the way I am. Sucks, since we had such a good time together and it seemed that we were meant for each other. However, she made it clear before the vacation and on the vacation that she no longer loves me.

 

I decided I will be her friend, I know is probably not going to be healthy for me and it will make it harder for me to let go of her if I still have her in my life but I'll wait till she receives her permanent green card prior to filling the divorce. That's because in the first 3 years we were together we weren't always like we have been in the last 2 years we were married. I will not ruin her life just because she no longer loves me. I'm not that type of person...

 

If you guys were to see our photo album you would never think we're the couple that will ever be apart. We always had fun and enjoyed ourself, at least in public and at least up to the point when we started to fight too frequent. And even then, we would still have great times together. Even on this vacation that we went "just as friends" we still ended up having sex almost every night. I'm calling it sex because she no longer loves me. I asked her directly and she looked into my eyes and said no.

 

She's ready to move on again, and so should I.

[troubledhusband]

She didn't play me from Day #1, calm down people.

 

Why is it that because she had more to gain from being married to me everyone automatically thinks of her as a player or what have you not?

 

I know for a fact that she loved me and that I lost her along the way. The marriage was not fake and nor was her love for me. Even if I were not to sign her green card renewal application she would have received it but would have had to petition for it herself without my support. What's the point of dragging things out longer than they have to be?

 

I'm sure the note she wrote to her ex boyfriend was her way of realizing that she was not happy in this marriage and that she needed someone different. That the many guys she's been with since after she asked me for the divorce and moved out were just a way for her to build her confidence back up.

 

I came to accept that our relationship was not all that healthy and we both made mistakes along the way. I would have expected her to be more mature and know what she's doing since this was her second marriage but she's the emotional type. I know for a fact that she wanted to have a family with me since we talked about having kids all the time but we simply didn't make it that far.

 

Yes, I still love her and will always do. I just need to move on and open myself up to someone else since i lost my wife for good.

[Mal78]

She didn't play me from Day #1, calm down people.

 

Why is it that because she had more to gain from being married to me everyone automatically thinks of her as a player or what have you not?

 

I know for a fact that she loved me and that I lost her along the way. The marriage was not fake and nor was her love for me. Even if I were not to sign her green card renewal application she would have received it but would have had to petition for it herself without my support. What's the point of dragging things out longer than they have to be?

 

I'm sure the note she wrote to her ex boyfriend was her way of realizing that she was not happy in this marriage and that she needed someone different. That the many guys she's been with since after she asked me for the divorce and moved out were just a way for her to build her confidence back up.

 

I came to accept that our relationship was not all that healthy and we both made mistakes along the way. I would have expected her to be more mature and know what she's doing since this was her second marriage but she's the emotional type. I know for a fact that she wanted to have a family with me since we talked about having kids all the time but we simply didn't make it that far.

 

Yes, I still love her and will always do. I just need to move on and open myself up to someone else since i lost my wife for good.

 

I just spent the better part of the hour reading this whole thread and many of your unprotected updates.

 

This is a VERY toxic relationship. I find there is much abuse going on and most by *your* hand. I also believe you haven't completely been honest on the extent of your verbal/mental/physical abuse you have exhibited towards her. I think she is torn because that is what abuse does to the human psyche.

 

Now that you are out of control of your marriage you do what it takes to stay in control therefore playing off as the "nice guy".

 

She wants out! The least you can do after this time is allow her that. "Let her go"!

 

Meantime learn from your mistakes and know that nothing anyone can say or do can "make/force" you to rage and become aggressive. That is on *you*. Period.

 

There are no buttons pushed or triggers pulled. You lay a hand on her an you are a physical abuser!

 

You need individual counciling. You do not want to make this mistake again. This will keep happening and once children are involved it's a whole new ball game.

 

She left her homeland to escape abuse. People/children don't go through all that effort for petty things. She was abused! She doesn't want to be any more.

[Mal78]

I am sure this is a language thing...

 

It's "told" not tolled.

 

I told her to leave.

 

I also forgot to add, you had many "conditions" in all of this. Did you have this many conditions in your marriage?

 

She came to get her stuff and wanted to take the vacuum. You were fine with this on one condition, she vacuumed first.

 

Really?? You expected her to vacuum *your* apartment after she moved out and got her own?

 

I don't think she is totally blameless in the malfunction of your marriage however after 6 pages you are flaring MANY red flags on your end!

[MJJean]

I am sure this is a language thing...

 

It's "told" not tolled.

 

I told her to leave.

 

I also forgot to add, you had many "conditions" in all of this. Did you have this many conditions in your marriage?

 

She came to get her stuff and wanted to take the vacuum. You were fine with this on one condition, she vacuumed first.

 

Really?? You expected her to vacuum *your* apartment after she moved out and got her own?

 

I don't think she is totally blameless in the malfunction of your marriage however after 6 pages you are flaring MANY red flags on your end!

 

Ummm, she was living there. She made the mess when she moved out. The least she could do when moving the last of her things out and taking the only vacuum cleaner is vacuum.

[troubledhusband]

I agree with you Mal78 since why I started individual therapy to work out my own issues.

 

Yes, in the past I've been physical with her when under the influence of alcohol and when she would argue with me consistently accusing me of things I've never done. And then bringing those things back over and over again.

 

Yes I've touched her to the point where I pushed her out of the apt or into the next room and a single time I kicked her in the back since my hands were full of groceries and her bag I was carrying for her (perhaps a bit too hard, no she did not fell down). One other incident I remember she would not stop and so I pushed her against a wall and put my hands around her neck, no I did not strangle her (this time I paid attention not to hurt her) but I immobilized her, grabbed her attention and asked her to stop the argument right away and talk civilized. Of course that ended up in silence and we never talked. Later she would always bring this back about how I almost strangled her and I kept having to explain her that she was so mad at me that she almost lost it.

 

I never got physical with anyone before because of my anger (outside of few fights in HS when other guys used to make fun of me and won't stop). When I realized I was physical with her I then took it off on material things and then later I stopped all together by letting her take it all verbally on me and trying talk to her once she was done with little to no success on solving the issue at hand.

 

I feel that our best communication method has been in writing via e-mails or txt messages as she would not open up to me verbally.

 

Recently she txt me that she does want to be with me but she's afraid that she will get hurt again and that for the time being it is what it is. This was a day after we had made love and a week after our new years cruise. I explained to her that I am working on myself first and perhaps if she wishes she can join my therapist later as she too wanted to go see one. I believe she's aware that she has her own set of issues.

 

Since the vacation we've been seeing each other almost every day but I'm still the one to initiate the contact or indirectly invite myself over for dinner or take her out some place. I feel as if she has little to no affection to offer at this point and I can understand is hard for her. Today she was sick so I tried to take care of her by being there for her and delivering her food etc. She was a bit cold to me but I can understand why, she wasn't feeling well. She did cuddle with me and she did show some signs of affection. She must be hurt and holding back.

 

I only know that she hates her father, not sure if she's been abused as a child but is possible given we're form an Easter European country and our generation grew up with the ideal that's okay to beat up your kids to teach them better. That would explain a whole lot but not many other things such as her lack of trust in me and checking on me by reading my emails, txt messages, phone bills, GPS phone location etc, her asking for the divorce out of the blue and then sleeping around right away and many other behavior flaws that are out of ordinary.

 

I decided that's best to wait and see. Perhaps with some time I will learn more about what she really feels for me as I think right now she's confused. I also want this power status or her dependency on me for the green card to go away to have her make a decision based on what she really feels and not what she really needs. As for me getting angry... this is just something that I will have to learn to control and let go.

 

My next private therapy session is in a week, we'll soon see what my therapist with 30+ years of experience has to advise.

Edited January 14, 2015 by troubledhusband

[troubledhusband]

To end this thread, after I tried everything and after I took care of her for few days in a row as she was sick she asked me for a break. I then found out she was again going through online dating sites and setting up new days while I was taking care of her so that ended it all for me. She actually stated that we're just "f*** buddies" at best and that I am supposed to be going to therapy to get better. I guess it was okay for her to go on dating while I was supposed to work on myself.

 

I tried, and tried, and tried but is obvious she's not interested so it's time for me to move on with my life. I will continue going to my therapist and work things out on my own since I haven't been the perfect husband while at the same time do the 180.

 

The next time I will hear from her is once her GC comes out so that I can file for the divorce. I hope I won't run too many times into her at social events at least not for the next year or so.

 

Thank you to you all that took the time to write and help me get through this divorce and good luck to you all out there in my situation and I hope separation goes easier for you.

[troubledhusband]

And just when I though it was all over... we constantly run into each other every few weeks when we hang out in this one MeetUp.com group.

 

My excuse so far has been that my friends are going so I should too even when I see her on the attendee list. At bowling we both got drunk, next on a concert she got so wasted her friends had to litteraly carry her out, and last weekend when she was hitting on some guys I kept walking up to them and started making fun of her about how she likes it in the sack and all. Yes, it might have been funny at the moment but it made me look a fool.

 

I have to leave the group and move on because at the last event I got a bit too drunk and out of hand. Even when I got home I txt her a bunch of insults because she is still sending her packages "by mistake" to my address. And the same day later her $3k check came by in my mail since she hasn't yet changed her address. I guess she's afraid of the INS or something...

 

When she came by to pick up the check I didn't even look at her nor spoke to her. I was txting a friend. She came in, picked it up, said thanks with a fake voice and walked out.

 

I have this hate building up towards her when I see her flirting with other guys mostly because of the way she betrayed me. Is obvious I still have feeling for her or else this won't bother me a bit but I really need to do everything possible not to run into her.

 

I am not this *******, but when around her I tend to be a natural born ******* to her and I think is mostly to show her what a true ******* is since for the last year of our marriage she kept calling me an ******* LOL

 

I want to forget about her and move on with my life and I feel stuck.

 

I feel that I should break my promise to her and just file the darn divorce now and go my separate way. I'm a man of my word, but when it comes to her... why should I keep my word after what she did to me?

[CarrieT]

Just file the divorce already.

[Mr. Lucky]

Unless on some level you enjoy this drama? Seems like you've had plenty of chances - and plenty or reasons - to move on but you've passed on every one of them. Is there something about a happy, stress-free life that doesn't appeal to you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[troubledhusband]

I guess she got me so used with her drama and insecurities that's became the norm for me. I always ignored her drama but I noticed I started to create drama and that's not cool.

 

While living together I only gave her **** about saving money for the house down payment and to keep the apt clean as not to make the roach situation any worst, which was solved once she moved out.

 

But yes, I get your point and I put a dead line for when to file the divorce. After all is up to her to get a lawyer and solve her immigration status.

[loveboid]

For what it's worth I see a lot of qualities in you that I feel means she married for love and really put her heart in you. She brought up problems early in the marriage, which research shows is what successful couples do--they nip things in the bud before they grow resentful. And when she could not get these problems resolved she went silent, which research also shows is when husbands start to feel the marriage is a success and wives start mentally leaving. I think this is why she was able to so quickly start dating--she had already emotionally detached from you a year or more ago.

 

I feel she would love a relationship with you but doesn't know how to resolve the problems. Your condescending behavior has to stop for her. Also pushing, as you know, is never right. The kind of attitude that leads to pushing is what she is likely battling, not necessarily the pushing by itself. This mindset is likely leading you to behave in other ways she finds unattractive without you realizing or caring.

 

I think you should keep letting her go and seek individual counseling so that you can resolve problems quicker in your future relationships.

 

Unfortunately, culture teaches it's okay to be mean to women. Being mean to women to get what you want is not necessary at all. You can get what you want by being nice, and I don't mean by giving her money, sleeping on the couch, helping her with a green card or apartment shopping. I mean compliments, small daily kindness, sweet talk, positive attention, etc. It's sad to me that this isn't taught as much as aggressive talk and behavior. Sadly, what seems taught is that men can say and do ugly things to women as long as they give women pretty things--that to me is not what nice is.

[MissLilly]

Yes, in the past I've been physical with her when under the influence of alcohol and when she would argue with me consistently accusing me of things I've never done. And then bringing those things back over and over again.

 

Yes I've touched her to the point where I pushed her out of the apt or into the next room and a single time I kicked her in the back since my hands were full of groceries and her bag I was carrying for her (perhaps a bit too hard, no she did not fell down). One other incident I remember she would not stop and so I pushed her against a wall and put my hands around her neck, no I did not strangle her (this time I paid attention not to hurt her) but I immobilized her, grabbed her attention and asked her to stop the argument right away and talk civilized. Of course that ended up in silence and we never talked. Later she would always bring this back about how I almost strangled her and I kept having to explain her that she was so mad at me that she almost lost it.

 

OMG.

 

I was reading your thread losely and I was feeling sorry for you, but then when I read Mal78's post something clicked and after you admitting this I must say I feel very sorry for her.

 

Forgive me if I may lose something around because I was reading til this post I quoted above and may have lost something after this, but I was at your wife's shoes not so long ago and let me tell you it will NEVER work again between the two of you, and I will tell you by my experience how she may feels, so it enlightens you maybe and hopefully.

 

Nobody works the same, but I suffered domestic abuse from an ex boyfriend. When an episode happens, the very first second you touch her or even call her names, her feelings of pure love and plain normality are changed forever. Most women are raised to think the male figure, our husband or father, is going to be our protector and when they break the natural way of things (I know, times are different now but it still works this way for most of women) and hurt us physically and emotionally instead, the way we see this "protector" changes drastically.

 

I broke up/came back to this ex of mine a billion times after the very last abusive episode. Not out of fear of him harming me, but from a crappy state of mind that started to twist between i love him so much/i hate what he did, him, how he broke me, why he did that.

 

It's not out of love she's reaching you back and forth; she fights against these memories and tries to bring back the good times, then memories come back and she cools off again. She maybe has inner goals, a family, but her ideas of a relationship and her value as a wife or partner are broken. Because of the abuse she suffered, she steps with fear in any romantic relationship she tries to start, and when they implode, she comes back to you, because after all she already knows you and thinks that what she had is the best she deserves. Her self esteem and worth are pretty destroyed.

 

I don't know if you mentioned she suffered abuse prior your marriage too? If she did then that's why she's pending back and forth between you and her ex.

 

I know this because I broke up and disappeared and then came back looking for this ex of mine for a very long time, only to disappear and reappear after a few months. I assure you it wasn't done in revenge or anything like this, but out of plain confusion.

 

If you are honest in everything in here, I believe she was not only looking for a GC. I'm not also reading her side of the story but just assuming. The best thing you can do is to REALLY remove yourself from her life, is the only way you can show you love her. Stop playing the good guy and paying for her stuff, being her doormat. You're making it worse, because she then feels guilty for everything she is doing to try to set herself free ("he did that but he's being so nice, i'm afraid but am i not being unfair? look how nice he is being now, but i don't wanna risk, can't forget, i could try maybe? No, yes, no, yes...").

 

The same hand that beats can't be the same one that caresses. And don't think because you didn't come to choke her it isn't violence. To see the man we love raising his hand to us, even if they don't beat, is enough. I don't remember the pain anymore but the look in his eyes i could never forget.

 

Set her free. And my apologies if i'm going a bit too out in here.

Edited March 1, 2015 by MissLilly

[troubledhusband]

Perhaps I haven't made myself clear. Although I might have pushed her at times that would have never happen without her continuous emotional abuse toward me. Did you know how it feels like to be constantly called an a**hole by the person you love the most?

 

I did not stranger her, I placed my hands around her neck to make it clear to her that she had to stop making those fake accusation about me and stop arguing. I only immobilized her and it was no rougher than during sex. Yes, it was not the same passion and I understand her POV but how else was I to make her understand that she needs to stop but to get her full attention? Anyhow, that was a single incident because I felt like crap after each argument we had. I left that it was my fault and I kept trying to make things better and she kept finding something else new or bringing something back up from the past.

 

She never accepted me for whom I was and I don't think she was ever able to transition from a romantic love to a companion love.

 

Not to be defensive or anything, I am not a violent man and I did love my wife quite a lot and I always gave her those little positive reinforcements but after four years of leaving pay check to pay check I entered depression and since she constantly controlled me I felt suffocated by the very own person I loved and cared for so much. I did not feel that she was making any effort in saving for the down payment and most likely she wasn't because she already checked out. At least emotionally if not physically which she did a year later.

 

I never through of leaving her nor would I have ever through she stopped loving me. It is as loveboid said, I played my part in destroying this marriage. Too bad my ex couldn't just accept me for who I am and she had to make me sacrifice 50% that define me including good friends that go back years before I meet her. I'm left in a situation where I have little friends left and I need to start making new ones. I feel alone but slowly recovering to be whom I was before I meet her.

 

I still love her and part of me will always be with her. I am trying my best to not interfere in her life anymore and last I saw her was for a brief time last week when I had to check on one of the cats because it had a reoccurring eye problem she txt me about and never tolled me if the cat got better. She eventually did but I didn't trust her anymore so I stopped by unannounced to check on the cat. Is funny because I think she was expecting someone else that night hence why she opened the door without asking who it was. I then e-mailed her and explained to her that's never going to happen again.

 

I explained to her that I forgive her and I am no longer angry at what happened between us, that what we did to each other should have never happen and since it did we will never be friends. She wanted to keep me as a f**k buddy after she left me because that's what she did with her first husband...

 

in truth I have never felt so betrayed in my life by both my wife and my friend that knew how she felt for a good year and didn't tell me at all till 6 months after the separation. Little to say that's not a friend of mine anymore, which is too bad because there walks away another 10 years old friend.

 

The divorced is filed and last I heard from her she signed the papers.

I explained to her that if needed I will witness for her to explain to the USCIS agent that this was not an arrange marriage, which it was not. I really think she had no choice but to stick by my side be it for financial security or immigration status and that's why she took so long to tell me. Coincidentally when she got a raise and two years into the marriage.

 

I left the MeetUp group we were both in and I will no longer attend the same social gatherings. If I will run into her at such a gathering I will make sure to walk the other way as nicely as possible.

 

I'm still hurting and I know I will for a while. I don't feel that my therapist is helping and I am done sharing those private details with the new friends I made since then. I'm trying to recover as best as I can... I just need more time and perhaps a new job and hit the gym to keep me busy.

 

Come a year from the separation I will share this post with my ex if she's willing to share her side of the story. That's why I choose to use this blog to record my feeling good and bad from my side of the story so later if she wants to she can share her side of the story.

 

If this marriage went south so fast, at least perhaps this will help someone else learn from our bad experiences and at least I will have a reference to look back when something similar comes up in my future relationships.

 

To be honest, if I could have her back I would... but I can no longer trust her and my only solution now is to let her go and let my feeling for her dim down in time. I wish I could tell her how much I miss her and how frequent she's on my mind, but that would only make things worse for both of us. I just keep on trying to keep it out of sight and out of mind.

Edited March 23, 2015 by troubledhusband

[pteromom]

Perhaps I haven't made myself clear. Although I might have pushed her at times that would have never happen without her continuous emotional abuse toward me. Did you know how it feels like to be constantly called an a**hole by the person you love the most?

 

I did not stranger her, I placed my hands around her neck to make it clear to her that she had to stop making those fake accusation about me and stop arguing. I only immobilized her and it was no rougher than during sex. Yes, it was not the same passion and I understand her POV but how else was I to make her understand that she needs to stop but to get her full attention?

 

Not like that. 1 - you don't have the right to someone's full attention. If she isn't giving it willingly, then just let it go. You can't control other people, but you can choose to stay in a situation. If someone is calling you names or continuing to argue when you want her to stop, simply open the door and walk out of it. Done.

 

But you have no right to put your hands on someone. Pushing her, holding her down against her will, putting your hands around her neck - that's all physical abuse.

[troubledhusband]

Since all you people keep on picking up on is my abusive behavior...

 

Suppose it is physical abuse because I did grab her hand and pushed her out of the apt. How do I diffuse an argument when we both live in the same house and she won't drop it day after day, year after year? What's more severe? Psychological abuse or getting a bit physical to diffuse an argument that should have been avoided to start with by having a simple talk? None of those are a solution to leaving healthy and without forgiveness there will be no future. She never forgiven me for small little things that to her meant the world. And how was I supposed to know what they mean to her if she would not explain them and then forgive me for doing them once.

 

Do you think I don't know that what I did was wrong as I got lost in my temper which was escalated by her ranting at me? Hence why I stopped behaving as such and then just let her yell at me, call me names and throw fake accusations at me patiently waiting for her to stop argue so I can talk to her. She never wanted to talk, she only wanted to argue kept insisting that is the same things over and over which to this day are not clear to me because she didn't communicate them clear.

 

At times she will get so mad that I would go over and hug her and squeeze her in my arms till she calmed down giving her kisses. That only worked few times, after that she would just be verbal all over and not stop till the next day.

 

She did not apologize to me but once in the four years and that’s when I had to call it out to her so she can understand that I’m just a human being with feelings as well. This is another thing that I never understood of her, even when it was clear that what she did hurt me she would never apologize for something she did wrong and I believe it was mostly her self-defense. It was okay for her to explode at me and call me names and for me to explain to her over and over that her accusations are not true. For all I know she might have been pushing my buttons for her to check out of the marriage early based on physical abuse since she knew that's an easy way to secure her permanent green card (that woman friend of mine that knew she didn't love me for a good year before my ex left and which I no longer talk to was doing precisely that. Arrange marriage for a GC and her husband has gone 'MIA' so her lawyer created a fake abuse case). Yes, people are ****ty.

 

Thank God I controlled my temper as best as I could, which is the one thing I perfection in that bad marriage, how to keep cool under stress and not get angry anymore.

 

So please, stop reading into this as a physical abusive relationship. If anything this was a psychological abusive relationship on her behalf with my outburst as a result (even duh she might have not been aware of it and I am sure this was not her intention, I wasn't even aware of it...).

 

What it really was, was an unhealthy relationship between two people that although loved each other very much did not have the experience necessary to carry on a constructive argument.

 

And another thing, if I knew there was outside help such as couple therapy... I would have gone with her to such a therapist the second year we have been together and she started behaving as such before we even married. I felt responsible for her and I tried everything yet I now know how miserable I failed her.

Edited March 24, 2015 by troubledhusband

[troubledhusband]

and all I can do is fight to take my mind off her. I hit the gym, I study new things, I make new friends and hang out late just to fill up the time and yet she find her way back on my mind every single night and the first thing in the morning... How the hell do you guys get over someone.

 

I have few dates lined up and I am afraid those women will not even get a chance because I am not ready to open up to them while at the same time I know she's been dating left and right and breaking condoms with her boy friends. While I hope in 3 months from now when I get the official divorce certificate it will somehow magically make me feel different I know it will not.

 

The only thing I can say is that I am graceful that so far I resisted the temptation to txt her or to email her and just ask her how she's doing. Even doh I know for sure she's riding some dude really hard right about now at 1am on a Thursday night.

 

Some friends / acquaintances want me to go to this MeetUp.com happy hr at which I know she'll be at... so I'll have to disappoint them and ask them to see me another day.

 

To be honest, the one thing that bothers me the most is how she checked out of this marriage thinking that I don't love her... God is my only witness of how wrong and twisted around she got that. She'll never understand.

 

I wish they had a pill for falling out of love fast. I guess they do... is called reality and getting a new girl friend...

 

Okay, enough about ranting... time to move on with life...

[pteromom]

How do I diffuse an argument when we both live in the same house and she won't drop it day after day, year after year?

 

Walk away.

Refuse to argue.

Revisit issues when she is in a rational mood.

Consider other ways to approach an issue.

Consider what parts you play in the patterns of the relationship, and what you could do differently that would possibly change something.

 

What's more severe? Psychological abuse or getting a bit physical to diffuse an argument that should have been avoided to start with by having a simple talk?

 

Neither. Both. But you only control YOUR actions, not hers.

 

Do you think I don't know that what I did was wrong as I got lost in my temper which was escalated by her ranting at me? Hence why I stopped behaving as such and then just let her yell at me, call me names and throw fake accusations at me patiently waiting for her to stop argue so I can talk to her. She never wanted to talk, she only wanted to argue kept insisting that is the same things over and over which to this day are not clear to me because she didn't communicate them clear.

 

Sounds like she has major issues. But you still can't blame her for your actions. You are always in control of what YOU choose to do.

 

This is another thing that I never understood of her, even when it was clear that what she did hurt me she would never apologize for something she did wrong and I believe it was mostly her self-defense. It was okay for her to explode at me and call me names and for me to explain to her over and over that her accusations are not true. For all I know she might have been pushing my buttons for her to check out of the marriage early based on physical abuse since she knew that's an easy way to secure her permanent green card (that woman friend of mine that knew she didn't love me for a good year before my ex left and which I no longer talk to was doing precisely that. Arrange marriage for a GC and her husband has gone 'MIA' so her lawyer created a fake abuse case). Yes, people are ****ty.

 

Sounds like she has some major issues. And it is good you can move on and find someone more stable and capable of being in a relationship.

 

So please, stop reading into this as a physical abusive relationship. If anything this was a psychological abusive relationship on her behalf with my outburst as a result (even duh she might have not been aware of it and I am sure this was not her intention, I wasn't even aware of it...).

 

Nobody is "reading into" anything. You shared. We have opinions on what you shared. You are free to define your relationship as you want - but your ex will also define it, and you've given her reason to define it as an abusive relationship. Doesn't matter if that is the whole truth - she will tell her story, and people will gasp in horror and congratulate her for getting away from you.

 

What it really was, was an unhealthy relationship between two people that although loved each other very much did not have the experience necessary to carry on a constructive argument.

 

I'll agree with that.

 

And another thing, if I knew there was outside help such as couple therapy... I would have gone with her to such a therapist the second year we have been together and she started behaving as such before we even married. I felt responsible for her and I tried everything yet I now know how miserable I failed her.

 

You did the best you could with what you knew.