Married 2 years now she wants a divorce but we still live together

[troubledhusband]

After 3 nights away we talked over txt a few times. She re-iterated that she wants out of this marriage and I re-interated that she should take the time and think things over.

 

I stopped by the place yesterday to feed the pets and since this Saturday is our 2 years anniversary I wanted to grab all our photos off the FaceBook, print them and write on the back all the comments people left us including the many times we confessed our love for each other. Then today I wanted to lay them around all the apt covered in red rose petals as her present for our anniversary tomorrow.

 

However, once I opened her iPad and looked at her FaceBook messages she was already advertising to her guy contacts that we separated and that she is living by herself (in our apt? with my toothbrush next to hers? With my pajama next to her pillow?). That she misses them and that she wants to meet with them. She sent those type of messages the second night I was out after we had our last talk and I though we decided to give this 2 weeks time to re-evaluate the choice.

 

That infuriated me and so I took a pic of the conversation, sent it to her phone and asked her to move out. I explained to her that by this Sunday night I will move back in and if she does not find an apt by then she can sleep on the couch. I offered to help her find an apt this weekend and she already started to transfer money out of our joined account and into hers.

 

I would have never though our marriage would have ended so abruptly.

I still love her, but now I know for sure this is not just a phase to her and is not just because she's upset. This if for real, this is what she feel and wants and so I would treat it as such with as much respect for her that I can.

 

I started by separating the legal documents and left hers on the bed.

I also took the rings, since I would like to buy another engagement ring couple years from now once all of this blows over.

 

As per all of your advice, I started looking for a lawyer.

[2sunny]

Start protecting yourself. She's on the prowl for your replacement.

 

Stop being her doormat.

 

Take care of yourself... Make decisions in YOUR best interest... Top one is filing for divorce and notifying authorities that you're divorcing so she doesn't obtain citizenship under false info.

[ja123]

I'm very sorry this has happened to you, but it's better get rid of her now so you can find someone who truly reciprocates your love and treats you with respect.

 

 

You're doing the right thing by moving back into the apartment, making her sleep on the coach, and getting a lawyer.

 

 

Good luck!

[troubledhusband]

We decided to work things out without a lawsuit or involving lawyers.

The smoother the separation process the better.

 

She found an apt she loves and she needs my help co-signing because her income is 2k short of the building requirement. I still trust her and I think the best thing for me to get back to normal (whatever that might be) is to help her move out, help her be happy so that way I can start coping with this chapter in my life knowing I did all I could and knowing that she is happy.

 

I'll sleep easier at night that way and it will help me turn the page and find my own happiness.

[TobyBoy]

We decided to work things out without a lawsuit or involving lawyers.

The smoother the separation process the better.

 

She found an apt she loves and she needs my help co-signing because her income is 2k short of the building requirement. I still trust her and I think the best thing for me to get back to normal (whatever that might be) is to help her move out, help her be happy so that way I can start coping with this chapter in my life knowing I did all I could and knowing that she is happy.

 

I'll sleep easier at night that way and it will help me turn the page and find my own happiness.

I doubt you'll be sleeping at all knowing of all the other guys cuming and going from her apt. that you help her get!!! Get real dude!!! Stop with KISAS!!!

[troubledhusband]

How's that any different from all the women I'll bring over my apt?

 

However, I will be able to sleep at night with a clear conscience and get to that point where I get to start dating again faster rather than drown myself in sorrow.

 

It was her choice, she moved out and she is happy. Why can't I be?

[troubledhusband]

As an update, I changed my mind and did not co-signed the lease with her because I really did not want to be locked in another contract with her. After all she asked to break another contract called marriage.

 

Long story short, she is still looking for her own place to stay and while doing so she is still living in the old apt while I am still crashing on my friend's couch.

 

It's been now more than 4 weeks and I am really getting tiered. I think I will give her one more week and then I will move back in and she can sleep on the couch (I rather not live with her anymore knowing that I can't truest her and to be honest I no longer want to see her).

 

I figure I could also take 3 more months sleeping on the couch to save enough money for myself to move out into my own apt and in the mid-time to stop paying the rent at the old apt. Let her handle it.

[troubledhusband]

Last Friday I moved back in the house to help her search for her new apt. I was only sleeping there although we did eat dinners together. Otherwise I would leave the apt to hang with friends and come back late. She would go have beers at the local pub by herself.

 

Last Saturday I drove her around and looked at a bunch for places none of which were decent enough for a single woman and lucky she did find one she liked. We applied for it.

 

Last Sunday (yesterday) I took her out for lunch at a really nice seafood place and we had a great time. We always wanted to do that but never really afforded it. On the way back home I tolled her I will give her space and go over my friends house and I also brought up the fact that one of the neighbor ladies was surprised to see me leave my own apt. She admitted that she had one person over which I already suspected but couldn't belive she would disrespect me like so and bring them over in the apt where photos of our wedding and us are around the TV stand and bedroom dresser.

 

When we got home from lunch she wanted me to sit on the bed next to her and obvious I couldn't. No matter how much I wanted to hold her in my arms I just couldn't do that anymore, not on the same bed (our bed) she brought in some stranger to "satisfy her emotionally" as she kept explaining it to me.

 

Up to that incident I would have done anything for us to get back together. Everything changed and even if it's been a month since she asked for the divorce and even since I suspected all this I still can't get over it. I think I will never be able to forgive her for this and I think no matter how much I ever want to get back together with her it will never be the same again.

 

I know technically she hasn't cheated on me, but it does not change the way I feel about it.

 

It's over

[Polak]

Glad to hear you didn't co-sign anything. That could have been a potential disaster. You're making more progress, but I would even go so far as to speed up the kickout process, it's been too long already and she needs to go away.

 

As far as the cheating incident, or whatever the "emotional satisfaction" incident was, I mentioned before in another post that I personally do not tolerate cheating whatsoever, whatever the circumstances. If I ever find out I was cheated on, I will kick a b*tch to the curb immediately, no mercy. So I completely understand that your feelings can never be the same again. She basically decided that a long time ago, so no need to worry about it anymore.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your new life. Be a free man!

[troubledhusband]

I was conteplating if I should go back to my firend's or not but I don't care anymore as she needs to leave the apt anyhow. I can't really kick her out of the apt because she has no friends to go sleep over (none that are close at least). I'll let her crash on the couch till she moves out. I did it for 5 weeks, she can do it for 3.

 

I hope that once she moves in her new studio apt our communications will cease. She does want me to keep the cats for a "few weeks" while she gets her studio apt in order but I really think she just wants me to take care of them since she can't. She never cleaned the litter box which is why those cats peed in bed while I was gone and if she takes them in her studio apt she has no way to close the bedroom door when she is out. I might week them for a bit since they are good company, but that might be a mistake as well (haven't yet decided).

[ascendotum]

Yeh she has friends..those male friends she contacted a few days after you left the apartment and told them she was separated now available or that guy that spent the night at your apt. with her. I'm sure they'll be happy to give her a bed.

 

At least you are now back in your own place and she is on the couch. As for the cats if they are hers then she should have taken them into account when looking for a new apt. Its not good enough that she just assumes you will take care of them, but seems what she assumes will work out for her, does.

At least this relationship is coming to a close for you now. I understand why you went so easy on her to give her a chance to change her mind, but so often being very accommodating can back fire, as she will see it as weak and the her other guy friends as a better catch and not as you intended. Do not go back to your friend's place. She'll have another guy over in 'your' bed for emotional support.

[troubledhusband]

This whole thing with moving back in was the biggest mistake of my life.

I'm not sure if it helped at all. No matter how much I tried to avoid her not to start any conflict a 911 call was still dispatched to our apt.

 

Last Sunday night I came home at around 6pm and she was sleeping but she started to pack her things in boxes. I went to the bathroom to clean the cat litter box and by accident I dropped in it in the hot tub while brushing the floor. It fell on her dress she was cleaning and little to say that started a new argument (that was a pure accident, do not think it was intentional). Anyhow to diffuse the situation I left the apt and had a beer at a local pub.

 

Came back home an hr later and she was still sleeping at 7pm. She got up and she started to get ready to go out. I just watched a movie and of course insults were filling up the room. She eventually left the apt. After the movie I went to get dinner (salad and beer at the local pub). Okay, I know I wasn't supposed to mix in alcohol right now but I needed to chill. Couple of my friends came by (a girl and a guy) and we had another beer when she called me to let her in the apt because she forgot her keys.

 

I tolled her I am not home and to come pick the keys up from me. When she did, she was walking home with some dude. I tooled her I'm not giving her the keys to go home with anybody, not in my apt and that she can go over his place. She started threatening me that she'll call the police so I tolled her to go ahead. As they turned the corner I realized that she just wanted to get back home, so I followed them to let her in. She stopped and started talking to her date in the middle of the street. When I got there I tolled the dude to get lost as we're going through a divorce and she still lives in my apt. The guy didn't get it so I started to push him away one too many times. Eventually the guy got the message and walked away.

 

To make the story short, I let her in after her date came by with one of his guy friends and made a big scene in the middle of the interaction which was diffused by some women that were moving in my building and they needed help to move furniture. Yes, we just went from starting a street fight to helping people move their furniture. My ex then went to bed and I went back to finish my beer with my friends.

 

Later when I got home I was stupid enough to wake her up because I wanted to watch TV. Biggest mistake of my life because we now started to argue again and she finally called 911 off my cell I gave her. She kept threatening she will so I gave her the phone to call the police.

 

Long story short, the dispatch sent a car over. In the mid time I called my friends over my house since they witness most of the drama on the street. Police wrote up the paper work, she did not declare anything (which I made clear to her before they showed up that she can send me to jail and to be very careful what she tells to them). She cried and luckily my friend talked to her girl to girl so she called down. Thank God we did not have any physical interaction outside of me pushing her which I hate myself for right now (as if verbal abuse from both of our sides was not enough). She did not get hurt.

 

Police left and with them so did my friends and myself. I did end up coming back to the apt as it was way too late to go sleep over friend's place. She was sleeping in bed this time, so I kindly asked her to move to the couch and take with her whatever she needs from the bedroom in the morning.

 

This morning I got up and I didn't want to leave the bedroom until I heard her leave the apt. I already txt her and apologized for the entire ordeal and she too apologized for calling the cops. Said she didn't knew what else to do. I am gonna move out back to my friend's apt to couch surf this week as I rather be uncomfortable than to run into another argument with her and God knows what stupid thing she might be driving me to do next (I already pushed her once).

 

She said she will be out on Saturday, but she hasn't yet paid the down payment which she said she'll pay on Friday. I am actually afraid now that she might not have where to go. I'm not sure I understand where she is moving to, if her apt is ready on Saturday, how come she didn't yet pay the down payment and the broker fee? Should I be worried about her (I am)?

[2sunny]

She's dating.

 

And this is your WIFE!

 

Serve her divorce papers and state in the paperwork she's not a legal citizen.

 

She used you. But no need to allow it any further!

 

She's been done with you a long time. Act like it.

[Fearful]

To the OP, how long did you courted your wife before marriage? It seems all she needed from you was to sort out her citizenship status. I do blame her for what she did behind your back before her declaration of her intention to divorce. I can't blame her for what she is doing to you after declaring her divorce intent because you allowed it. You allow yourself to be used, humiliated and degraded. She brought another man into your bed yet you remain inactive. She is freely dating other men and all you are doing is to get drunk and misbehave & begging. This may sound too harsh but as it is, you currently have no life even @ 33. All you need to do is to divorce this woman and end the sham you called marriage then you can commence the process of building your life. Define your self, Establish a definite goal, aspiration, moral boundries and focus on it. Never allow yourself to be manipulated again and the only way of doing this is to never loose yourself in love.

[troubledhusband]

We haven't dated much. Maybe half a year before we moved in together. She kept calming that she never cheated on me, at times when we argued after her asking for the divorce she got so pissed off because she had so many chances to cheat on me but she didn't.

 

Given her situation at the time she had to move out and I offered her to move in with me and a roommate. Later we rented our own apt, the one she is packing her stuff out now and later we got married when my citizenship came through. It was a rough time for her too as she couldn't work for a good year while waiting on her GC and although she was in school you could tell she was depressed. But she was always there for me when I got home with dinner ready and all excited to talk about my day at work and what new stuff she learned in college.

 

Once we moved in together we were practically with each other every moment we could. She really attached herself to me and in the beginning I felt like I lost my privacy but then I loved our life style more and more. Up to the separation process we haven't been apart for more than a single night, so for her to just start dating the first day I left the house to give her time to think things through hurt me more than anything. We used to meet for lunch and eat together too. She used to pick me up from work. And then when I moved with work further out, the lunch stopped but she would still pick me up from work.

 

However, I've been abusive towards her. In the past when we had big arguments I used to pushed her out of the apt to cool down and then invite her back and keep apologizing and kissing her and squeezing her in my arms. We used to end up making love. A few times when alcahol has been involved I pushed her (like last night off the couch). All of which I regret more than anything in life. That is not who I am, I don't even know where that rage came out of. How come I could do that to the person I love so much? She never got physical hurt, but emotionally must have left scars for her. That's why I moved out last night... we couldn't live together anymore under the same roof without insulting one another.

 

Overtime I learned not to act a fool. She would still push my buttons really hard and I would blast verbally back at her. Again... I wasn't starting the argument it was her bickering at me mostly when I was paying the bills and complain about not having a budget. I feel like we failed to communicate and all we did was starting to argue more and more. Only this time I would take it in and let it go. In the end she started to see that as me not caring about the marriage. I explained to her why I stopped arguing since that's not a positive form of communication.

 

I tried to win her back and I almost did. I refused her once I found out she already slept with someone else. But even if we would have been back together, I think the damage was so deep that we probably would have not bounced back from it. I came to realize that we did not have a healthy relationship. I was thinking about it in the last few weeks and I am not surprised we ended up in divorce.

 

Yes, I agree with you all but I still have strong feelings for her and I don't even know when I'll get over them at this point. I'm still young and live near NYC so there will be no problem for me to rebuild my life. I also know for sure that our marriage was not all but an act for her. I'm starting to believe that we past that young romantic love and entered the more mature love and she started to pick up on my flows too much to the point where she fell out of love with me (all our fights, her pushing my friends away, her not liking the way I dress or the shoes I wear). She kept trying to change and mold me into this perfect guy for her I guess and I didn't really care to put in the effort. I would rather buy her a new dress than to get me a new pair of jeans and etc since I didn't really need them. I think we simply were not compatible, or she lacked the will to really try things out or maybe just got tiered of it all. She never let go of our early arguments and she will always bring back the same old stuff that happened years ago.

 

For me it was all about what made her happy, because seeing her smile was heartwarming to me. And then all this came to and end I lost myself.

 

She is moving out on Sat and I want to live in the old apt 2/3 empty just to punish myself and realize that is really over and done. I strongly believe that living in that house full of memories with all of her stuff gone might help me get over her faster. She abandoned me...

 

I'm sure if she ever runs into this post and shares her side of the story the whole plot would take a different spin. How else could she have possibly fell out of love with me if it wasn't for good reasons? In the end she called 1-800-ASK-KEEN about 3 times before she asked me for the divorce (it showed up on the phone bill as an additional charge I asked her about). Do you really need a physic to help you make a decision? Why not consult in your husband?

 

I still believe her lack of communication, honest emotional communication is what drove us apart.

 

Yes, I need to start getting over her... My friends believe that I should get out of that apt, move to the city and be surrounded by positive energy.

Edited September 16, 2014 by troubledhusband

[ascendotum]

It is hard to say for sure if you have been used as a stepping stone to get citizenship. It does seem that way at face value, but reading your recent post, you have played a bit of a part in the relationship decline with your drinking. Not changing to be the guy she wanted, I don't think is a good reason. She should not have married you if she had to change you.

 

You said she pushes your buttons and is always bickering. For someone recently married that's crappy behavior. I've read of a number of foreign bride stories (I know you two have same nationality) where things seem fine until near the key citizenship qualification date, then the woman changes. They go out of their way to cause arguments and do things that they know will piss the guy off, like spend too much money, and are less in the mood for sex and are more critical of the guy. They 'push the guys buttons', in the hope of getting evidence of abusive behavior in front of witnesses or marks on them (which the photograph and rush to the doctor to get witness + they also keep a journal of all the bad things he says & does while omitting how they started the arguments). They full on sabotage the relationship until it ends in divorce due to irreconcilable differences and ideally hints of abusive behavior from the husband, so it looks good for immigration and also divorce court where they can also pick up a cash payout to help set up their new life.

 

She could have been genuine in her love for you, but also easy for the savvy ones when it comes to nice guys to fake it and make it look like 'things just went wrong'.

[troubledhusband]

Honestly, I don't think she used me to climb the social ladder.

Only she can explain it for sure and I might never know for sure.

 

Couple hrs ago at work I was listening to Pandora and "Let Her Go" by Passenger started playing. Little to say the song grabbed my attention and made it hard for me to concentrate on what I was doing for a good hour or so. Now I'm working late.

 

I sent her a message on FB about the link to the song and tolled her that letting her go is necessary, for her own survival. That I too think I might have not been good for her, or not good enough as she kept saying to me (well she said I don't know how to love her) over and over during our many arguments in the past.

 

She txt me half an hour later accepting my coffee invitation from yesterday for a proper good bye. Although all I ever want to do is meet with her and see her, I delay the meeting because I need time to work though all those emotions. I hope that at the meeting few weeks from now she might be able to give me some real answers. Either way, after that I don't think I'll get to see much of her anymore, otherwise I'll never be able to get over my feelings for her.

 

I never remained friends with any of my exes because of that.

It makes it next to impossible for me to move on if I interact with them.

[Purepony]

Listen clearly! She s done she probably found someone else but won't leave because of the ins citizenship get out and leave now!

 

She doesn't love you she needs to leave and start her life from the sound of your thread she isn't even trying to love you again!

 

Leave before she gets the green cars and leaves you for good!

 

Ives seen this show before she is very smart and she is playing you!

[troubledhusband]

She's already leaving as she's moving out this Saturday.

 

Yes, she is quite smart and a devoted hard working woman. Otherwise I would have never married her in the first place.

 

You guys need to understand that life as an immigrant (especially as she came here all by herself at a young age) is not that easy. It does make one tougher. Myself, I came with my parents on their working visa so it was a bit easier for me.

 

Yes, I no longer even dream of her wanting me. I self destructed any such illusions unconsciously when I kept pushing her away from me in self defense and my fear of abandonment (goes with why I never go back to my exes).

 

I am sure she has found more than a single someone. She slept over someone's place last Saturday since I came home at 5am from clubbing with friends and she was not home. Then after I used some of the savings to pay off half the credit card and txt her that I did so, she immediately took out money from a nearby ATM (so I can pin point within blocks where her new fb lives). Last weekend she got drunk with the dudes that I almost got into a street fight with... is obvious she's not serious about any of those relationships.

 

I just need to get over my feelings for her and take life one step at a time. As Fearful said, I need to start rebuilding my life. It's just such a hard thing to do when you have no preparation and when it takes you by surprise.

 

Is like that verse from Let Her Go:

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same old empty feeling in your heart

'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

 

But for me is not yet gone... only time can heal the rest.

[Purepony]

Good to see your improving keep up the hard work..

[troubledhusband]

It's like this:

11 Tips For Getting Over Your Ex - AskMen

 

I got sleeping with another woman covered by a trip to Costa Rica early next month. I started to apply other sugestions as well.

 

Tomorrow for the first time I will contact a lawyer (something I should have done a while ago as suggested) and ask not only about the divorce but also about the 911 write up under my name and how it could affect me.

 

It's like Napoleon once said, "every woman is a whore except my mom. But don't forget that she's a woman too".

[troubledhusband]

Last night I ended up home at 4am since my friend that let me crash on his couch had a date over late. All I wanted was to get some sleep but I couldn't so I ended up going out with friends yet again till 2, 3am.

 

On the way back to my friend's place my phone died so I didn't knew how to get there. So I simply drove back home.

 

When I got there the front door was unlocked and it didn't look like she packed more stuff (she said she packed one more box but I still counted the 3 from last weekend). Anyhow, I woke her up, explained her the situation and how tiered I am from all this couch surfing and that I really need to sleep in a bed tonight. To my surprised she didn't argue with me and just moved over to the couch.

 

In the morning I didn't expect to run into her since I woke up late. But she too just got up and I let her use the bathroom first and get ready. Then we rode the train in to work together and talked about what furniture she can take with her, how I need her to get one of the couches since I don't plan on living in that apt for much longer, how if she leaves stuff behind I will simply just throw it out, how she should take the cats and not leave them behind to avoid seeing each other anymore etc.

 

I asked her how she was doing with money since I noticed that she used the change from the piggy bank and she mentioned that she is low since I paid the house bills and the credit card with the money from the joint account. She asked for $500 to cover the movers and top off the payment for her realtor. I offered her $1000 so she can have some cash till her next paycheck (now all I have to do is pick up my debit card from my friends that closed my tap last night as I forgot it at the bar).

 

When we got to her train stop I gave her a hug and said my good bye.

I think that's what I needed the most, just get closure now so I would not see or talk to her later outside of the divorce (if that).

 

I think this accidental event will help me get over easier since the last time I saw her the police was not involved and we had a normal conversation.

 

Tomorrow I won't be around while she moves. I hope to be back Sunday after I buy new bed sheets, towels and etc.

 

Sunday will be the first day of the rest of my life...

Edited September 19, 2014 by troubledhusband

[2sunny]

So she asked for $500 and you gave her $1000?

 

How are YOU making progress FOR YOURSELF?

 

Try to stop partying so much - you need a clear thinking mind right now. You're not going to think clearly if you keep partying.

 

If she needs money - why can't she get it/earn it herself?

[2sunny]

It's like this:

11 Tips For Getting Over Your Ex - AskMen

 

I got sleeping with another woman covered by a trip to Costa Rica early next month. I started to apply other sugestions as well.

 

Tomorrow for the first time I will contact a lawyer (something I should have done a while ago as suggested) and ask not only about the divorce but also about the 911 write up under my name and how it could affect me.

 

It's like Napoleon once said, "every woman is a whore except my mom. But don't forget that she's a woman too".

 

This whole post is just full of issues.

 

God I hope you can make better decisions for yourself than those you've posted.

 

And really? You think all women are like that? You need serious professional help to understand a healthier mindset about women.

 

Women won't use you if YOU don't ALLOW it. And YOU should feel the need to USE women as well.

[troubledhusband]

Take it easy 2sunny, money is not of an issue since this is only a temporary situation and as for my previous post... that was mostly a joke.

 

I would not let my ex go through financial problems and end up sick or God knows what else just because she is divorcing me. I will help her get on her own two feet and then depart. I am also at fault for ending up in this divorce, otherwise it wouldn't have been a divorce in the first place.

 

Wouldn't you do the same for your SO even if you would end up divorcing? Perhaps not, but when you love / have loved someone... you would at the very least want to make sure they are okay before you turn your back and walk away for ever.

Edited September 19, 2014 by troubledhusband