D-Day plus 6 weeks. Wife betrayal, long story... .

[betrayedandhurting]

I have to wonder if she would have considered leaving you for this very rich man if he had asked her to be with him?

 

Has she answered that question?

 

I haven't asked that question in that way. But this wasn't a LTA that involved "dating", playing house, talking about what ifs, getting expensive gifts etc. He literally never spent a dime on her, ever. I don't have his kind of money but I make well into 6 figures and we live in huge home etc. and wife wants for nothing and she has never ever been a materialistic person. Perhaps you could say she doesn't understand how good we have it, not from a money perspective but in general often perceiving the small hassles in life as bigger slights.

[beach]

I haven't asked that question in that way. But this wasn't a LTA that involved "dating", playing house, talking about what ifs, getting expensive gifts etc. He literally never spent a dime on her, ever. I don't have his kind of money but I make well into 6 figures and we live in huge home etc. and wife wants for nothing and she has never ever been a materialistic person. Perhaps you could say she doesn't understand how good we have it, not from a money perspective but in general often perceiving the small hassles in life as bigger slights.

 

I have a difficult time thinking you have it good. Your wife has cheated on you twice and blown your life apart. If you call that having it good well ok.

 

I'd say you have it pretty terrible from this perspective.

 

If you're focusing on money that's different. Obviously you have enough but having money doesn't keep people from having affairs.

[DKT3]

I haven't posted before today. I have read literally thousands and thousands of pages of other people suffering from betrayal on this and dozens of other sites. I have learned this...

 

1. My wife's betrayal seems unusual that despite its length it didn't apparently evolve into anything more than no commitment sexual meetings. Most women involved in LTAs tend to be seeking/dreaming/hoping for a replacement husband.

 

2. Most men when confronting a wife's betrayal, in particular a LTA are met with a woman who deflects blame, blames the husband, acts confused if she wants to remain committed to the marriage, defends or protects the OM, refuses to agree to NC or has difficult honoring NC, often requests/supports separation or divorce and attempts to go to the OM. My wife has done NONE of this, instantly going NC, quitting a job she liked instantly without going to even clean out her locker and mailing her badge in, I strongly believe has maintained NC without so much as a goodbye for 7 weeks, never blamed anyone but herself, expressed remorse etc.

 

I guess what I'm saying is my wife's behavior after such a LTA was exposed is inconsistent with what most here and elsewhere have experienced and is inconsistent with typical behaviors spelled out in various books on affairs. She is a "model" citizen when it comes to how to behave AFTER an affair but it makes the betrayal all the more confusing.

 

If I had guess I don't think this is an act. I think my wife has serious self esteem and other emotional issues I just didn't know she had. I think she really does love me and the marriage in a perverse way but can't control her need to get attention to feel good about herself. I don't know any of this is fixable.

 

You wife is a pro when it comes to cheating. I'm not trying to make you feel bad here, only trying to get you to see this without emotions. Its very unlikely that your wife had two affairs bookending years of being a faithful wife. Its more likely she has had some form of unfaithfulness the entire time. This is pretty evident by her making sure OM was coving his tracks. This means she likely had a plan in place if she got caught. Don't be fooled. She saw how you reacted after the first time and she evolved. By giving you what seems to be all the dirty details it keeps you from digging and finding the other men. And I'm fairly confident there are other men.

 

To me the manipuation is clear as day, which is why I called it such from the start. You are being handled here

 

It hurts like hell, I've been there. You have to look out for yourself. Take the time away. If you do so many of the things will become more clear. While away maybe get a PI involved.

[betrayedandhurting]

Oh come on you have to know what I mean. Our life was good, full of friends and family, blessed with intelligent smart and sensitive kids, grounded in faith etc. with finical resources that we never wanted for anything. That combined with the idea of two loving spouses, friends since 14 facing the world as a team. It was good! My wife did this and now of course it is my nightmare.

[beach]

Are you reluctant to have your wife leave the home for a month?

[betrayedandhurting]

You wife is a pro when it comes to cheating. I'm not trying to make you feel bad here, only trying to get you to see this without emotions. Its very unlikely that your wife had two affairs bookending years of being a faithful wife. Its more likely she has had some form of unfaithfulness the entire time. This is pretty evident by her making sure OM was coving his tracks. This means she likely had a plan in place if she got caught. Don't be fooled. She saw how you reacted after the first time and she evolved. By giving you what seems to be all the dirty details it keeps you from digging and finding the other men. And I'm fairly confident there are other men.

 

To me the manipuation is clear as day, which is why I called it such from the start. You are being handled here

 

It hurts like hell, I've been there. You have to look out for yourself. Take the time away. If you do so many of the things will become more clear. While away maybe get a PI involved.

 

Of course she adamant there are no other men. Since we had kids 5 years into our marriage I don't see how she even had time for this affair. The kids were ALWAYS with her, she kept her 2 day a week job if only to get out of the house those days and be a "grown up". I never suspected the affair could occur AT her work and she always came home right after work. When I was on the road she was always with the kids until just the last 3 years (exactly when this affair started) when the kids reached school age and she started to have se time during the day alone. Even so she became so involved with school and the kids and lunch duty and home and school association etc. I never suspected there was even time! Clearly I was a fool and who knows there could have been more men but I don't see how at this point I could ever uncover it.

[betrayedandhurting]

Are you reluctant to have your wife leave the home for a month?

 

Most books and our counselor suggest that couples who repair their marriage don't separate as while separated they can't work on the marriage and things often get worse. There are practical matters such as my wife is primary caregiver to the children 3-4 days a week when I travel etc. and my lawyer has advised against me leaving the marital home unless desperate as some judges may view than negatively when determining custody. Frankly I never considered even short term separation short of determining I want a full blown divorce which is sure as heck still front and center on the table of options.

[beach]

Oh come on you have to know what I mean. Our life was good, full of friends and family, blessed with intelligent smart and sensitive kids, grounded in faith etc. with finical resources that we never wanted for anything. That combined with the idea of two loving spouses, friends since 14 facing the world as a team. It was good! My wife did this and now of course it is my nightmare.

 

I'm confused. You had a good life even while she was cheating?

 

She couldn't have been grounded in faith. She was a liar and a cheater. That's not a faith filled woman.

 

I would hope you wanted for something. A wife who honored and respected you.

 

Two loving spouses? No way! Her actions are not loving. You must be confused what love looks like.

 

You have this ideal of what you think your marriage was but it isn't in alignment to what she was doing that ruins what you believed it was.

 

She a master. You know she's cheated at least twice yet you still paint this rosey picture of how you perceive the marriage was.

 

In truth, the marriage has been a disaster because of the way she has participated. It's not even close to what you thought it was.

 

She runs away from jobs when she's caught and starts another affair as soon as she works again.

 

Please begin accepting what has really happened to ruin that marriage you thought you had. You did not have that marriage.

 

You married a woman who has harmed you and your children multiple times and she did it on purpose.

 

I hope you can have her leave and give you time to process what is real. And take some time to decide what you ultimately want for a happy life.

[DKT3]

Did the ultimate end of your marriage result in your mind from things your wife failed to do AFTER you learned of the betrayal or could you just not get past the knowledge of what she did and took the 14 months to come to grips with the fact that for you the relationship was over?

 

Combination really, but moreso deciding to look out for myself. Her action showed me that she didn't have my best interest at heart. Also the ability to carry on for just short of two years.

 

You have many hardships ahead. Thing that will pop up that you currently have no clue about. Simply things like while I was traveling and calling her was she with him. Would they then laugh about what a fool I was. Her wearing her wedding ring. Who knew about it.

 

My wife ended the affair before I knew about it, but tried to maintain a friendship with OM even during the six months that I tried to work it out. I never got the truth until she was served with divorce papers. Even then she held back somethings.

[betrayedandhurting]

Sorry beach, you just aren't understanding the point I'm trying to make. All those things were my perception of the marriage before I found the betrayal. They were a reality to me and would have been my wife's had she not cheated... It was there for us. Obviously I agree the last 3 years have been a big lie and I have none of those values or things I thought I did.

[beach]

Most books and our counselor suggest that couples who repair their marriage don't separate as while separated they can't work on the marriage and things often get worse. There are practical matters such as my wife is primary caregiver to the children 3-4 days a week when I travel etc. and my lawyer has advised against me leaving the marital home unless desperate as some judges may view than negatively when determining custody. Frankly I never considered even short term separation short of determining I want a full blown divorce which is sure as heck still front and center on the table of options.

 

She can go to her Mom's, yes? And when you work those few days each week the kids can go there with your wife.

 

This is for you. So you can clear your head and think logically about what's best for you.

[DKT3]

Most books and our counselor suggest that couples who repair their marriage don't separate as while separated they can't work on the marriage and things often get worse. There are practical matters such as my wife is primary caregiver to the children 3-4 days a week when I travel etc. and my lawyer has advised against me leaving the marital home unless desperate as some judges may view than negatively when determining custody. Frankly I never considered even short term separation short of determining I want a full blown divorce which is sure as heck still front and center on the table of options.

 

You don't even know if you want to work it out yet. What I'm talking about isn't a separation. Its a cooling off period.

 

You can't be scared and weak right now. I was scared and weak. You need time away without her working you.

[betrayedandhurting]

Combination really, but moreso deciding to look out for myself. Her action showed me that she didn't have my best interest at heart. Also the ability to carry on for just short of two years.

 

You have many hardships ahead. Thing that will pop up that you currently have no clue about. Simply things like while I was traveling and calling her was she with him. Would they then laugh about what a fool I was. Her wearing her wedding ring. Who knew about it.

 

My wife ended the affair before I knew about it, but tried to maintain a friendship with OM even during the six months that I tried to work it out. I never got the truth until she was served with divorce papers. Even then she held back somethings.

 

I'm right there with you on some of those things. My wife wore the weddings rings while with him but as so as she saw my pain took them off and have them to me, now wearing a simple band she didn't at the time. I'm sure when I traveled there must have been I time I called that she answered. I KNOW there was a few times at least she slept with him at his office at work and then I slept with her that night. And of course my house. My defiled house.

 

BUT so far my wife has been very remorseful, total NC and I'm really searching for holes, willing to blow the guy up (and we will), willing to do anything I ask of her etc. That is a difference.

[beach]

Sorry beach, you just aren't understanding the point I'm trying to make. All those things were my perception of the marriage before I found the betrayal. They were a reality to me and would have been my wife's had she not cheated... It was there for us. Obviously I agree the last 3 years have been a big lie and I have none of those values or things I thought I did.

 

Ok, I see now. Sorry for the confusion.

 

You keep flip flopping about how ideal your M has been I was getting the impression you were in denial.

[beach]

Did she tell her work why she really quit?

 

How much is she really willing to be honest? How much is she willing to take responsibility for her actions?

 

What does your counselor have her working on? What is she doing that the counselor suggested?

[atreides]

Look, I'm a smart guy and logically I get what everyone is saying but the emotions and consequences are making me look at any possible positive angle before pulling the trigger on ending our marriage.

 

Is there no possibility that my wife's weakness of needing affirmation from others and the fact that both of us failed to make each other the center of our emotional and physical priorities in the last 9 years since kids came along contributed to this? It is NOT an acceptable excuse but is there no chance if my wife learns to see how she reacts to situations in counseling combined with concrete changes in how we live our marriage (focusing on us, date nights, prioritizing sex, talking about the hard stuff like us) we can change the likelihood this would happen in the future?

 

Is there no way if our marriage is revitalized I can learn to emotionally forgive and accept and love my wife again in time?

 

I get that the "obvious" solution here is divorce but I don't want to live with regret that I threw away something I loved that might have been saved of only I tried... In particular if my decision to divorce was motivated by a desire to punish.

 

I only have read to this post, re-read what you wrote. You have a contradiction of blame. Your marital issues have absolutely nothing to-do with her infidelity, nothing... and you get that with her validation problems but then white-wash it with blame on yourself. the second you stop blaming yourself or the marriage and make her work to earn you back, the more you will understand. As you make that journey, you will find the answer to question you asked.

[betrayedandhurting]

She didn't tell her work why she quit. It was quite the stir as she was popular there and gave zero notice so there was speculation. I don't think anyone guessed.

 

The consoling has focused for her has focused on why and why so long and the answers so far have been low self-esteem from childhood (mommy issues, comparison with brother etc.) and perceived (even if false) stress and frustration from her "difficult" 16 hour a week job, needing to be the perfect wife and mother, mild frustrations with me since despite not asking for help she felt I left her too many household tasks and finally frustrations with lack of acknowledgement from others for the significant amount of work she does for the children's school. This all added up to vague depress and dissatisfaction which then was "treated" when a man aggressively pursued her and made her feel "wanted and young and pretty." Despite her claims of not great sex (which of course I think she "has" to say) she said his wanting her made her feel better about her life and then she got drawn back into a repeat cycle of going back to him like a drug (the councilor focuses on the "like a drug" angle a lot like she couldn't help it). She says it is now clear to her she has major issues and non of the reasons she felt bad about her life were legitimate at all, she had so much good that she ignored or didn't help her feel better, and she now says the feelings she felt she knows were an unrealistic fantasy compared to reality and not real affirmation. Very touchy feely stuff.

Edited August 17, 2014 by betrayedandhurting

[beach]

She didn't tell her work why she quit. It was quite the stir as she was popular there and gave zero notice so there was speculation. I don't think anyone guessed.

 

The consoling has focused for her has focused on why and why so long and the answers so far have been low self-esteem from childhood (mommy issues, comparison with brother etc.) and perceived (even if false) stress and frustration from her "difficult" 16 hour a week job, needing to be the perfect wife and mother, mild frustrations with me since despite not asking for help she felt I left her too many household tasks and finally frustrations with lack of acknowledgement from others for the significant amount of work she does for the children's school. This all added up to vague depress and dissatisfaction which then was "treated" when a man aggressively pursued her and made her feel "wanted and young and pretty." Despite her claims of not great sex (which of course I think she "has" to say) she said his wanting her made her feel better about her life and then she got drawn back into a repeat cycle of going back to him like a drug (the councilor focuses on the "like a drug" angle a lot like she couldn't help it). She says it is now clear to her she has major issues and non of the reasons she felt bad about her life were legitimate at all, she had so much good that she ignored or didn't help her feel better, and she now says the feelings she felt she knows were an unrealistic fantasy compared to reality and not real affirmation. Very touchy feely stuff.

 

But what does your counselor have her doing? As in contrary action and what does that look like?

 

Talking about all her fluffy excuses are only useful to a short point, do you feel the counselor is really getting to the core issues and root of your wife's problems?

 

Also noteworthy that your wife hasn't been honest at either workplace. Didn't suffer consequences there by running away from the job.

 

And didn't even consider how the workplace would be short handed by her quick departure (selfish of her).

Edited August 17, 2014 by beach

[The Lonely Angel]

Let me ask you... Why do you keep posting?

 

So many of us have already told you what you should do, but it's like you're living in a fantasy and waiting for someone to tell you to stay with her and it will be okay and you'll live together happily ever after... Please wake up... This is reality.

 

All of these excuses you're saying to defend the vile actions of your wife (and of course she's going to do so much to 'redeem' herself after you catch her betraying you multiple times, would you expect nothing less from someone who destroyed your trust?) will not equate to what she has, is, and will put you through.

 

You say all this stuff like you "believe she's being genuine this time and really means it" but I'm positive, for the rest of your life you will not see the same woman that you married so many years back. There will always be that daunting feelings of betrayal ripping at the back of your head when you look at your wife, and in those moments of solitude and thought, you will think back in disgust at what she has done to you.

 

I know you don't want to hear it but leave her. Perhaps it won't be the best for your family at the beginning, but eventually you will be relieved. It's hard for the children too, but this is life. It was her choice to cheat on you. To hide it from you.. And now that you caught her again she's suddenly changing her act and being that 'perfect wife' for a while..

 

My father was in a similar situation as you and thought he could do it too but in the end nothing could ever be the same again and he broke up with his wife of 10+ years. Don't make the same mistake. Be supportive for your kids. Be part of their lives. They will grow up and mature and eventually understand your decisions. And as much as you love your wife (even though she did all this to you) let her go. Just try to start anew... And as painful as it is for you to hear this... with another person.

[The Lonely Angel]

Sorry if I sound harsh but you need to realise the truth.

Edited August 17, 2014 by The Lonely Angel

[aliveagain]

Your wife is a serial cheater, she has been cheating most of your marriage in some form or another. To tell you it was only about the sex has to make you wonder, will you ever be enough for her? Why does she need strange penis, why does she need validation from other men? It takes a special person that is willing to lie and deceive their spouse for three years, it takes a lot of planning to carry it off. Get rid of your wedding rings they no longer represent what they were intended to represent. You both need to be tested for STD's and tell your doctor why so he knows what tests to do. Some STD's can show up 6 months after the last incidence.

 

You need to expose all other men, present and past. There has to be consequences or there is nothing to stop her from doing it again. You need to come out of your betrayed spouse fog and see her for what she is, she is a serial cheater, an adulteress, you can read about her in your Bible. The way you protect her makes her sound like she's some kind of prize, she's not, you are. The fear of loosing you or her children were not enough to stop her from having a second affair after catching her the first time, it just made her better at betraying you and in your own home too . Time to take the gloves off, treat her the way you would treat any back stabber, talk to a lawyer because you need to know your rights and you need to protect your children. Where were your children when she brought O/M to your home for sex, were they in the house? Please expose every man she cheated with, get tested, talk to a lawyer and send her away for a few weeks so you have a clear mind when you decide your future. This was no one night stand, she aggressively planned to cheat on you, it was all premeditated the worst kind of betrayal.

[fellini]

Okay. You say you have been in here some time reading, so Ill take it you have read some of my back story.

 

Your story, the wife who gets caught, and then goes back into it, is the story I am waiting to see if it will unfold. So I have some general observations and comments and some doubts about details.

 

1. You caught her the first time. Do you think that sufficient serious work took place in that first accounting? You are talking about her current behaviours (mostly convincing) for this 2nd time, and I'm wondering if you felt that after the 1st affair, you had those same feelings? or was the whole thing forgiven and forgotten pretty quickly, perhaps too quickly.

 

(As an aside, vis a vis the continuing debate in LS about "quitting the job" to save the marriage, this OP's story basically confirms what some of us have said: it just puts the WS into the hands of new fresh meat, and if NC is good and working well, sometimes it's less risky to leave a WS in the workplace where colleagues who are now aware, and a BS of an AP is now aware, are able to keep an eye.)

 

2. In my own case, I spent 17 months trying to really find out the root cause of my WS's affair. And at no time (I think about 4 or 5 theories looked pretty convincing) have I been able to say definitively WHAT IT IS IN HER THAT made her stray. I think this is not the same thing as saying what is broken. They do not have to be the same thing.

 

My most recent discovery was to do a hard google on Female Narcissism, "narcissistic supply", and Narcissism and infidelity. Im not like others here and going to transpose my pain and anger and bitterness upon your situation, but at least check it out. My wife has the same "need for affirmation, adoration, flattery" etc. that your wife has. But my WS displays more concretely many of the traits of a hopeless narcissus. Narcissists, even female, are highly achieving, and their pattern of lying (contradictions, double backing, replaying their lies, denying they said things they just said, playing with what they REALLY MEANT when they said something that was obvious) makes it very difficult to know what is really going on.

 

If she is a narcissist, this can explain the repeat cheating. It's not the "serial cheating" syndrome, or once a cheat always a cheat. These are great aphorisms for the BS but they don't actually make much sense to me as something that explains people.

 

The thing is, you need to rule out narcissism for the very reason you are seeking: how can you tell if any of this is real? A female narcissist has feelings for her husband, it's just not love. Narcissists frequently choose men who are more power and "better" than they are on whatever levels interest them. That way they can get more out of pulling them down. The first years of being with a narcissist can be blissful. Then things suddenly, and I mean suddenly change. What happens? The narcissist no longer feels you are able to meet their narcissistic needs, and they begin to look elsewhere. Now this can sometimes be in the kids, but they too stop feeding, and often a N will move towards a new man who will give them rich pitchers full of "narcissistic supply".

 

You want to know if you can stay with your wife, of course you can. I have to make the same decision, although my WS only cheated on me the once. But as I unravel her narcissism and look at the past or our 17 years of marriage of which 12 have been different altogether, I have to think about how I am going to continue living with a narcissist. One thing I learned, leaving a N at this point, with a child of 10 is less appealing than staying and learning to adjust my expectations of living with an N. My personal situation is just going to be ****. And I have told my WS there is not much I can do at this point. If she does nothing to change her value system (a pretty unlikely situation) then she is more than likely going to go looking for narcissistic supply again.

 

Now the only positive I have in this is that her work (being a professor in a university) brings about all kinds of narcissistic supply on a daily basis. NS doesn't HAVE to come from laying down with another man so he can whisper how attractive she is. NS is NS, it is not a need to screw another person.

 

And one thing I have learned through this past year is, contrary to what a lot of LS people are saying, is that my WS is NOT A MONSTER. She actually believes it when she says she is sorry. She even probably thinks she feels it. She absolutely, just like your wife, did not want to lose the marriage. But the question is not WHAT, it is WHY. In my case, a N will fight hard to convince the BS that she totally regrets what she has done (and in fact she DOES regret it). The thing is once things settle down, and things look back to normal, the feeding must begin again. And I have to prepare myself that if I am (IF I AM) correct, and she is a hopeless N, then I am going to have to walk away from this.

 

Understand too that Narcissists usually have spouses who are addicted to them, and will do anything to keep the N spouse close by.

 

Good luck with your situation. I would start with comparing what her response was the first time around, with the current situation, to honestly decide if she has upped the ante a little in order to reel you back in, or if she genuinely, for the first time, is experiencing and expressing remorse. You are the best judge of that, not a single person in LS is going to be able to tell you, in spite of their desire to do so.

[Friskyone4u]

Betrayed

 

I am not sure why you have posted this story because you appear to know exactly what you are going to do, which is nothing. That is OK since you appear to be very rationally understanding all of her actions and explaining them to yourself as something that you can live with. You also have yourself convinced that despite the past behavior that this time it will be different.

Yes there are a lot of people responding who have been hurt and are not as understanding, but there are probably many more who have had their lives shattered not responding than there are those that have had behavior like your wife's and are blissfully happy now. You have an answer for everyone.

Your wife has for whatever reason a proven ability to behave like a loyal wife and at the same time **** other men over extended periods of time.

She would still be at it if you had not caught her both times so there is no reason to expect her future behavior to be any different

I don't think anyone can change your thinking so I am not sure what you will get out of any of the responses. You might feel better in an open marriage because you might save yourself the trouble of snooping and she will not leave you or call in love. She just want saw with other men

Good luck. I am afraid you will need it

[bigman1]

Your story is basically: our situation is different than everyone else's, my wife is different than the other cheaters, our whole thing is special, and she's shown me that she's better. If you've read all the other posts of others you must realize that this is a COMMON theme for the betrayed.

 

Realize this: your situation is not different, your wife is not different, your thing was not special, and she's not better. It will all come to light, even if you try to rationalize it out and create distinctions that have no functional difference.

 

I pity you. I pity your kids because despite all the knowledge that you claim to have, insight you are being given and clear repeated betrayals by her, you are going to follow a path that is known to prolong pain and suffering. Why?

[Bryanp]

You are in such a fog and denial it is amazing. Look at the facts:

1. Your wife is a serial cheater.

2. Your wife screwed this OM for 2 and 1/2 years behind your back as a booty call and made your marriage a farce and played you for a fool.

3. Your wife did not even bother to use any sort of protection which means she simply did not care if she put you at risk for transmitting any sexual transmitted diseases to you and put your health at risk.

4. Your wife had no problem having sex with her lover IN YOUR HOME. Symbolically this is an act of defecation on you and your marriage.

5. Since she was doing quick booty calls for this OM after work you know that there had to be times in 2 and 1/2 years that you had sex with her after she had been with him.

 

How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so forgiving and accepting as you?

 

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She is a serial cheater and a liar. I would suggest:

1. Get a polygraph on her to see if there were other men.

2. Get a DNA test on your children.

3. Both of you get tested for STD's at once.

 

Her actions show that she has very little respect for you or your marriage.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?