D-Day plus 6 weeks. Wife betrayal, long story... .

[2sunny]

Do tell this guy's wife. She deserves to know the truth and make the decision if she wants to give her husband a second chance or to divorce him.

 

If your wife is truly and genuinely sorry for her cheating behaviour, feels awful for hurting you, lying to you, betraying you, and she is doing everything to make things right again, she deserves a second chance. But do let her know that IF she ever cheats on you again, emotional or physical, with that guy or any other guy, you will divorce her in an instant.

 

People deserve 2nd chances if they are worthy of it. Seems like your wife wants to work with you to make things good again.

 

Though the thing is, she is broken inside so I hope she is working on herself by doing counseling as well on her own (with the same person you use for marriage counseling).

 

WWIU - this is the second time she got caught!

 

So you're essentially asking him to give her a 3rd chance.

 

Just FYI...

[DKT3]

You do now realize that her first affair was also physical, don't you? She used the same explaination that worked the first time, you just didn't buy it.

 

Your wife is a serial cheater, and will most likely repeat it once again unless to take strong actions. Divorce. It doesn't mean that the relationship has to end, but this sham of a marriage has to end. If you can't bring yourself to that step, at least give yourself some time away from her to clear your head without her manipulation. 15 to 30 of no contact with her at all will put you in a better spot to decide the future direction of the relationship.

[changchewsoon]

Sigh, I don't even know where to begin but I want to start by saying I am truly sorry that this happened to you.

 

Reading your story really really got me a little upset for a moment there, reminding me that there are some people in this world that can be that disgusting.

 

Your wife really is a horrible person by betraying you like this. I want you to know and realise that she is no longer the person whom you thought to be, and her true colors has finally been revealed.

 

Everything she says cannot be trusted at all, she has been living 2 lives since the beginning of your marriage.

 

I do believe she most probably is suffering from self-esteem issues, where she just constantly needs validation from another man to justify her self worth. The fact that she has a great husband, a wonderful family and is still not contended with it is a huge indicator of that.

 

There are some people whom somehow is under the delusion that once they are married, their values/worth drops because they are "off the market". And because of that, they cheat/have affairs outside to determine whether they are still attractive to others.

 

Yes, they do not want to leave their spouses, however they want to have the cake and eat at the same time. It is an huge ego boost to them, and hence she never had the intention of cutting off contact with the other guy, and only will be extra careful in the future to avoid detection.

 

By willing to expose to the OM's wife, buying books to read and all those actions followed after doesn't mean you should immediately soften your stance with her.

 

She really deserves a bitch cookie, what's that? A tasty reward doing something that she should do anyway, without reward.

 

Be wary of her cheater's word salad, by stringing a bunch of five dollar words that appears to have meaning, but actually don't mean jack **** and signifies nothing at all.

 

I'm sorry if I did came across as rude, and my reply might carry some anger it in it because I am angry for what she has done to you.

 

The way I see it, she has demonstrated to you that she clearly cannot be in a committed and faithful marriage, even after bearing children with you she continues to be involved in an affair.

 

Like all our fellow members advised, do everything you can to protect your own interest first. Get yourself tested, find out your kids are really yours, and seek legal advice. I hope you are also sharing this with your family so they can give you emotional support as well.

 

The kids now needs all the care they can get too.

 

Please come back and keep us posted on the progress of things, hang in there buddy, stay tough.

[Friskyone4u]

You have uncovered a lot lies and deceit over a long time and have had two painful doses of it. Yet you still unbelievably still refer to her as your beautiful loving wife who is showing total remorse. To me you are still in denial and you are in for a lot more pain.

You still travel for work and you can't lock her on the house and away from other men, and she needs validation from other men. That is a fact.

So next time, it will be a coach of one if your kids or someone at the gym, or even a neighbor.

Unfortunately for you, she likes the excitement of ****ing new men, and that has only been put on hold because you caught her.

If you continue on this relationship I would tell her she can expect an unannounced lie detector test whenever you feel like it into the foreseeable future. You can afford the expense and how else with you being gone so much can you monitor her activities.

Other than that, you are relying on her truthfulness. Not good odds from a woman who has disrespected and humiliated you twice now in the same manner and who had defiled even your own home.

If you choose that route, you may be smart but you have your head still in the sand

[betrayedandhurting]

I don't think her tears are crocodile tears at all. I don't think she is lying about being done with this man at all, I think this affair is done. I don't think her claims of future love and fidelity and devotion are intentional lies at all. Look honestly guys she is hurting awful and remorseful and not just for losing her life but losing me too. I really truly believe that and not just because I want to, but because I really believe it seeing her and how she is acting.

 

BUT there is a huge catch. I think she is so very broken, broken in having been able to do this, broken in creating the double life. I think it is a VERY likely possibility this happens again years down the line even if today in her heart she thinks that would be impossible and she learned her lesson etc. I think it's in her nature and a person who can act loving one moment and then callously betray someone the next for trivial reasons and compartmentalizing in such a way they feel little guilt or concern has MAJOR issues that don't easily or ever get fixed.

 

I'm torn on sites like this. Obviously many of you were betrayed, moved on and have good new lives. There are some "success" stories but they are in the minority. I wonder how many people who stay and are successful come back years or even decades later to post about it or do they silently go about their lives happy to have stayed and unconcerned about the past history to post about it?

[2sunny]

Tell the OM's wife tonight. Before your wife has a chance to tip off her OM that the info is coming their way.

[2sunny]

I don't think her tears are crocodile tears at all. I don't think she is lying about being done with this man at all, I think this affair is done. I don't think her claims of future love and fidelity and devotion are intentional lies at all. Look honestly guys she is hurting awful and remorseful and not just for losing her life but losing me too. I really truly believe that and not just because I want to, but because I really believe it seeing her and how she is acting.

 

BUT there is a huge catch. I think she is so very broken, broken in having been able to do this, broken in creating the double life. I think it is a VERY likely possibility this happens again years down the line even if today in her heart she thinks that would be impossible and she learned her lesson etc. I think it's in her nature and a person who can act loving one moment and then callously betray someone the next for trivial reasons and compartmentalizing in such a way they feel little guilt or concern has MAJOR issues that don't easily or ever get fixed.

 

I'm torn on sites like this. Obviously many of you were betrayed, moved on and have good new lives. There are some "success" stories but they are in the minority. I wonder how many people who stay and are successful come back years or even decades later to post about it or do they silently go about their lives happy to have stayed and unconcerned about the past history to post about it?

 

Ask DKT3 - he divorced and is just now reconciling with his years later. They both post here.

 

But do you see his advice? His wife didn't offer him truth or respect until it was too late.

 

And now years later they are attempting to start anew.

 

 

 

But... I don't think you have clarity yet at all. Take off your denial glasses first. You need time on your own without her around to gain some clarity.

[betrayedandhurting]

I do believe she most probably is suffering from self-esteem issues, where she just constantly needs validation from another man to justify her self worth. The fact that she has a great husband, a wonderful family and is still not contended with it is a huge indicator of that.

 

There are some people whom somehow is under the delusion that once they are married, their values/worth drops because they are "off the market". And because of that, they cheat/have affairs outside to determine whether they are still attractive to others.

 

But doesn't this also put a sliver of hope that of that can be identified, worked on in IC and MC and the person can make better choices in regards to how they find self worth? I get it if a person is a narcissist but if hugely low self-esteem issues are a root cause can that not be worked on?

[betrayedandhurting]

Tell the OM's wife tonight. Before your wife has a chance to tip off her OM that the info is coming their way.

 

My wife got me her number and we tried calling together but they are out of town. If we can't reach her by phone my wife and I will together go to her home (she is a SAHM of 4 children and of course he valued his home enough to never bring my wife there) and tell her together in person. My wife is 100% behind this and has no qualms of doing it. She claims she sees now that a life of 1 hour meetings in secret has no basis in reality and likely he wasn't telling her that he validated her life's concerns for any reason other than insuring she would be around for the next meeting.

[beach]

Is she sure it was one hour meetings? You indicated her phone was out of range for 4 hours. Ask her Mom how long she stayed gone every time she babysat the kids. Was it always an hour or was it usually several hours she set aside for him?

[SycamoreCircle]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your pain. You sound like such a strong and upright man, a true provider.

 

I hope that things turn out the best they possibly can.

[bigman1]

Once you tell his wife, then you will get a better picture. Not telling her is a fatal mistake made by folks who start thinking about potential ramifications. That is your wife's burden to bear if any fallout happens. See, if she went underground by exposing she's gonna be pissed and you will know that she's still going with him. No one is shutting it down cold turkey like that. 2.5 years of friends and lovers never ends on a dime. NC will be broken. Habits die hard. Feelings die hard. Sorry to tell you, but burner cell phones, private browsing on computers, other computers, hidden email accounts, etc. You have no idea.

 

Btw, You verify that its his wife and you tell and then let her tell you what he says about how often, where, and what acts. Afterwards, your wife can disclose details to her.

 

This way, your wife is not the only source of info. Right now, you are dependent on her and that is not good.

 

As to whether to divorce, that is a hard choice. For some its a deal breaker. Given your wife's history, I think there is more to be uncovered. You can't trust a word she says without trying to verify. She lied to you for 2.5 years while she banged another dude and convinced you all was great. Do you honestly think you have her figured out? If you think so because she has been seemingly brutally honest, well, you'd be a fool. Verify it all. Get the other spouse, if she's inclined, to give you her husband's version. Divide and conquer these cheaters and then decide what to do.

 

Her declarations of love are meaningless. She probably will claim that she loved you while cheating. Love the emotion vs love the act are different. You want the act, she's given you the emotion. Divorce is not to punish, so get your mind right. it's a result of broken vows. You can love her and divorce her, too. Marriage is not a reward either. Anyhow, start with exposure to get the truth. Expose to all that can help you get the truth. Good luck.

[2sunny]

How can you be sure they are on vacation? Who told you this info?

[betrayedandhurting]

Is she sure it was one hour meetings? You indicated her phone was out of range for 4 hours. Ask her Mom how long she stayed gone every time she babysat the kids. Was it always an hour or was it usually several hours she set aside for him?

 

Of course it wasn't always 1 hr meetings but they were generally short because my wife had little time because of the kids and our schedule. In general they most often met in his office at the end of a workday and by nature those were short. Then on occasion when rushed and I was out of town he would come to my house between 1 and 3 when she needed to get the kids. Most rare but longest (of which the 4 hr missing time was an example) is when he went to a private race track club where he owns a garage and has a racing porsche and a full living area about the garage. They would drive the car (the only thing they ever did together outside a private room in 3 years) then hook up. It was straight to sex then a bit of talking and he would leave. Some weeks or even weeks in a row they wouldn't get together because his schedule and hers were very busy and they couldn't make it work but they did seek out time when they could and 2-3 times a month for 2 1/2 years is the claim. No professing love. No implications of a life together. Just talk about work, life in general, kids even vacations but little talk of the spouses as it was a taboo subject a according to her. She claims he was a jerk to most at her work, very dominating and cocky, and she felt sickly "special" that he was nice to her. He often was a jerk to her too she said but always worked his way back with compliments.

 

Look my problem is I told this woman I loved her too much. Too many compliments and "what do you want honey". My wife by nature surprisingly is very submissive you can tell she likes being told what to do and I got away from that in bed and in life. It's no excuse, she obviously is majorly broken but it is a factor. Look I don't want to reveal who I am because I'm embarrassed by my situation and humiliated as a man but I'm a major airline Captain, I have the respect of my peers etc. and have some major responsibilities. I let my family get away from me the last few years without a doubt. I could have done things a bit different, again no excuse, not sure it changes anything but I did handle my wife in a way I regret, in particular since I felt the problem (taking charge as the man of the house, making my wife feel wanted etc.) I knew the solutions but always felt I could start some other day because well life got in the way and it was just a "stage."

Edited August 17, 2014 by betrayedandhurting

[betrayedandhurting]

How can you be sure they are on vacation? Who told you this info?

 

The message. One way or another within a week she will know. I know the guys work schedule, I know his wife is a SAHM, the kids are returning to school and I know his address.

 

My wife has not seen him in the last 6 weeks for sure (been with the kids or me 24/7) and has no sign of contact to him or from him via email, Facebook, text, iMessage, phone or cellphone. She could in theory have gotten a burner phone but I doubt it. I spoke with this man in the first days after discovery and he apologized and made clear he knows he has a lot to lose and will avoid my wife. His Facebook (now blocked) is full of loving wife and husband selfies with their 4 kids. I suspect he makes 500k+ a year and has assets in the millions and his wife is a SAHM with 4 kids under 12. He has a LOT to lose and there is no sign my wife and him EVER entertained anything other than their weekly meeting.

Edited August 17, 2014 by betrayedandhurting

[2sunny]

Listen and listen close. It isn't anything YOU did or didn't do that made her cheat!!!

 

Cheaters cheat because they can!

 

Some people never, ever cheat. I am one. I've always been very pretty. I've had many, many opportunities to cheat in my 23 years with my exH and thousands of reasons to (including abuse). But it NEVER crossed my mind to do that. Most folks they are either the type that will or they won't.

 

Your wife will and you simply won't.

 

Your wife could have told YOU exactly what she needed from YOU in order to feel special - but she didn't.

 

Her solution was to bang at least two other men behind your back and pretend she was being a good wife.

 

That is NOT a solution! That is extreme betrayal.

 

Make no mistake, it is HER fault, not yours!

 

Stop taking the blame for her. She is broken and no one knows for sure if she intends to change. Not even her.

[DKT3]

Betrayedandhurting,

 

You are making excuses, defending and accepting blame. I understand this and did a lot of it, and still now catch myself doing it.

 

In a way I was (and you are) convincing myself that my actions can stop any future infidelity. "If I did more of this, or less of that then she wouldn't"

 

There really are certain steps that you have to take. First is you have to get some space and time away from her, away from the ILY's and I'm sorry. Away from the manipulation, and emotional handling. Get away. 15 to 30 days, no contact. Ask and answer the tough questions. Why do I want to stay in this marriage? What can or is she doing to change herself? What do you expect from her? Will I ever be able to move forward? will I be ok divorced?

 

Note I never mentioned the kids. You really shouldn't allow them to factor into the decision to stay or go. They factor into you making any transition smoothly and learning to co-parent.

Edited August 17, 2014 by DKT3

[betrayedandhurting]

I hear you. I'm not an ugly SOB either and have many opportunities at work too... The thought has always revolted me. Obviously I want a wife who feels the same and acts the same and I don't have one do I? I'm just wondering if after these extreme betrayals if there is even a sliver of hope with time, counseling and sincere effort on her part if she can discover what issues make her behave that way and real change can happen.

Edited August 17, 2014 by betrayedandhurting

[2sunny]

I hear you. I'm not an ugly SOB either and have many opportunities at work too... The thought has always revolted me. Obviously I want a wife who feels the same and acts the same and I don't have one do I? I'm just wondering if after these extreme betrayals if there is even a sliver of hope with time, counseling and sincere effort on her part if she can discover what issues make her behave that way and real change can happen.

 

We don't have a crystal ball honey.

 

If you want to predict your future - take a look at your past.

 

If you want 2-5 years of extreme hell and are committed to seeing IF she capable of changing the core being of herself, then have at it.

 

Just be realistic about the venture you plan to undertake.

[2sunny]

You've stated you've posted on other forums.

 

What input did you get from those sites/posters?

 

If you read but didn't post, what did you learn from what you've read?

[DKT3]

I hear you. I'm not an ugly SOB either and have many opportunities at work too... The thought has always revolted me. Obviously I want a wife who feels the same and acts the same and I don't have one do I? I'm just wondering if after these extreme betrayals if there is even a sliver of hope with time, counseling and sincere effort on her part if she can discover what issues make her behave that way and real change can happen.

 

My wifes affair was pretty similar to your wife (but she only had one). It lasted about 20 months total. No I love you's, no intent on leaving the marriage, terrible sex with OM. It was an affair about time and attention, and built up resentment and anger. I stayed in the marriage for 14 months about six months hoping we could get "it" back then 8 months looking for the off ramp.

 

Here is the deal, your putting to much focus on the future. Right now you have to focus on getting all the information and deciding if you want to attempt R.

 

Is there hope? Absolutely. Time will tell.

[bigman1]

Ok, you are taking blame for stuff that's not your fault. Period. A lot of people go thru this. Read some threads and see that you are not alone. Its hard to believe, you are searching for a reason that makes sense and that you can fix. If you blame yourself, you can fix yourself. Unfortunately, you are not to blame so nothing you can fix. That leads you back to being out of control and that is scary. Its her. All of it.

 

Sadly, you are gonna need some consequences to flow. You need time to get clear yourself. Maybe Dkt3 has a plan. Its gonna scare you, but right now you're so desperate to get order back to your life that you are going to choose the worst path possible.

 

Ask this, how could she have a sex only affair for 2.5 years with a genuine s.o.b. who also is a loving dad and family man. Folks where she worked had to ask why he was such a s.o.b, yet she and he hit it off. I'm telling you, this package is wrapping up too nice and tidy.

 

Dig deeper, don't trust her, don't trust your heart, take several steps back. Then review.

[betrayedandhurting]

I haven't posted before today. I have read literally thousands and thousands of pages of other people suffering from betrayal on this and dozens of other sites. I have learned this...

 

1. My wife's betrayal seems unusual that despite its length it didn't apparently evolve into anything more than no commitment sexual meetings. Most women involved in LTAs tend to be seeking/dreaming/hoping for a replacement husband.

 

2. Most men when confronting a wife's betrayal, in particular a LTA are met with a woman who deflects blame, blames the husband, acts confused if she wants to remain committed to the marriage, defends or protects the OM, refuses to agree to NC or has difficult honoring NC, often requests/supports separation or divorce and attempts to go to the OM. My wife has done NONE of this, instantly going NC, quitting a job she liked instantly without going to even clean out her locker and mailing her badge in, I strongly believe has maintained NC without so much as a goodbye for 7 weeks, never blamed anyone but herself, expressed remorse etc.

 

I guess what I'm saying is my wife's behavior after such a LTA was exposed is inconsistent with what most here and elsewhere have experienced and is inconsistent with typical behaviors spelled out in various books on affairs. She is a "model" citizen when it comes to how to behave AFTER an affair but it makes the betrayal all the more confusing.

 

If I had guess I don't think this is an act. I think my wife has serious self esteem and other emotional issues I just didn't know she had. I think she really does love me and the marriage in a perverse way but can't control her need to get attention to feel good about herself. I don't know any of this is fixable.

[2sunny]

I have to wonder if she would have considered leaving you for this very rich man if he had asked her to be with him?

 

Has she answered that question?

[betrayedandhurting]

My wifes affair was pretty similar to your wife (but she only had one). It lasted about 20 months total. No I love you's, no intent on leaving the marriage, terrible sex with OM. It was an affair about time and attention, and built up resentment and anger. I stayed in the marriage for 14 months about six months hoping we could get "it" back then 8 months looking for the off ramp.

 

Did the ultimate end of your marriage result in your mind from things your wife failed to do AFTER you learned of the betrayal or could you just not get past the knowledge of what she did and took the 14 months to come to grips with the fact that for you the relationship was over?