Wife wants me to leave home and child and separate

[atreides]

Geddy, thanks for the update....

 

Please don't forget to keep us updated going forward.

[Geddy Lee]

I totally understand. We're not reconciling at this point. And I feel some sort of peace and not as much fear as previously communicated. There's no suspicions of any OM now and she says she has no desire at all to date. So we'll see..

 

I still want to be back with my family some day but I'm going to try the best I can to take it a day at a time and take care of ME and try to be the best separated Dad I can be to my 6 year old daughter.

 

I feel fairly confident that IF the day comes when she says she wants to get back together, then I will be very firm on our commitments. (accountability..) At this point I should not even be hoping for this to happen but of course it is on my mind. She honestly has no idea what to expect but has remained open minded and I realize I can't make her change but let whatever happen fall into place.

 

I have noticed that there has to be some feelings left, maybe deep down, but there's something, way down deep.

 

I am thankful for this forum because at first I was in a panic and now I feel there are so many of you out there for support.

[Geddy Lee]

Hello again,

 

I have now been in my own place for 8 days. Everything is going as well as it can be, considering. I text or talk to my wife just about every day. I've visited my family a few times for dinner and also had them over for dinner. I've spent time with my daughter and went to lunch with my wife. We have pretty good conversations. I couldn't remember what it was like to actually talk to my wife. Though none of the conversations have been about getting back together, she talks about a class she and my daughter goes to at a church for the divorced or separated. It kind of sends me mixed signals because it helps them cope with the divorce or separation but at least she's doing alright and seems to be emotionally stable even though she is grieving as well. They do talk a little about reconciling in one of the weeks to come. I am glad that my daughter appears to be doing well. I hope that continues.

 

My wife landed the job she wanted and she and I were excited about that. She hasn't worked full time in 8 years. That takes a little burden off.

 

I have been cool about things and have saw some old friends and I have been interviewing for a new job as well.

 

Things are looking up but I still wish she would just say she wants to try to work on our marriage. She seems to be working on moving on, but still keeping me in her life. I know it will take patience on my part. I actually kind of appreciate the change and the place I have.. So I would not be in a hurry to jump right back into the same old relationship we had. I know we can't go back to that. I do wish we could use this time to rebuild our connection from the ground up.

 

I know there's no way to convince her of that and I will just have to be strong and be calm and attractive and let things happen and fall into place. I am currently working on a letter in which I plan to give her. The letter is about her pain and her condition that she ended up in and the fact that I know how she must have felt. I decided I want to express to her that I understand that the FEELINGS that she had were real and I am deeply empathetic of her emotional and physical needs. I will not be including any statements concerning reconciling or my current state of mind or any pleads for forgiveness. Only about her, with the goal of softening her heart to where she may trust me with her heart one day again. This may be controversial here on this forum but let me know what you think. I kind of went all in on this separation /take a break thing so this is it. My only hope..yes, since this post is in the infidelity forum.. I know there's the EA issue and all but at this stage it's really not the problem, just one of the symptoms. Wrong as it may be, I have decided to focus on how her feelings are real, even if they're not fact based or reasonable, they are what she has felt.

 

 

Thanks for listening All

[Oberfeldwebel]

You are clearly Plan B and given enough to keep you and the children appeased. I don't see anyway that this can lead to reconciliation, but just a slow and steady separation until she finds the next Mr Right. Since we don't really know anything about the other guy, I can only assume that he won't make a commitment to her.

 

Owl is correct there can be no reconciliation until she goes NC with the other man, is open with all media, devices and passwords, and attend counseling to repair the damage in the relationship.

 

It is fine to have the children over for meals and visits, but she has determined that she does not want you in her life. She needs to feel the consequences of her action. If you have not done so, you need to contact an attorney. You don't have to file, but need to know your legal position. Limit contact to legal, finance and child care. Don't be mean, but you have to not be affair to loose her and she has to know you are not her puppet.

[No Limit]

Just because you two have an open window for communication doesn't mean you're ready for reconciliation just yet. Your wife has her head in the sand, and I doubt she'll get out of there anytime soon. And don't get impressed by this church crap either, chances are she's spreading lies there.

 

Don't expect - or in that matter, accept - any reconciliation stuff before a year has passed. Or even better, attempt to move on yourself.

 

 

This here

 

Limit contact to legal, finance and child care. Don't be mean, but you have to not be affair to loose her and she has to know you are not her puppet.

 

is good advice to follow as well.

[Geddy Lee]

I understand your viewpoint. I've decided to be in her life, and persue my marriage. It may not work. I believe in time we'll know if it will work or not. I really hope it does. I am not afraid to lose her. But I can't sit back and wait and waste time. I'm still giving her space. I live in another house. Ignoring her did not work when I lived at home and it will probably not help to revive any feelings now.

 

I believe the only shot is letting her know I understand her pain, and let her know I can love her unconditionally. I have been seeing a therapist and he has advised me.

 

I am not acting needy. I've been actually feeling ok. I like my new place. She got a new job. We have both shown we can survive on our own. There are definately challenges. I will try not to be so available. I can understand how being around all the time could seem like the same ole..

 

I think I'll know when the time comes where I will have to move on but right now separation is not the same as moving on. At least not to me. I still have faith right now that there's a chance she will restore her feelings. After all she is still my wife. Maybe it won't take long to find out. Maybe it's over. I believe we will know when that time comes.

[Appreciate]

There's a slight chance this will work. But you're betting on hope, and most likely you'll be let down.

 

I think you've taking the passive path, and it's to your detriment.

 

The betrayed spouse should never leave the home, for many reasons.

 

I wish you luck.

 

Your wife won't tell you if she plans to date. She'll just start dating to see if that works out for her. You will always be Plan B if you go this route. The ball's in her court and she knows it. It does not appear she is concerned about hurting you.

[Try]

I believe the only shot is letting her know I understand her pain, and let her know I can love her unconditionally. I have been seeing a therapist and he has advised me.

If your therapist has been advising you to let your wife know that you love your wife "unconditionally" then you need to see a new therapist. Stalkers give unconditional love to people that are not their children, not normal people. The unconditional love that you give your children is a different type of love. Love between a husband and wife needs to be conditioned on faithfulness and on them loving you in return for it to be a healthy love. Unconditioned love by you to your wife means that your wife is the only one that matters, and that you are unimportant. If you do not value you, why should she?

 

Agreeing to be a guaranteed backup plan as your wife explores other relationships with other men (the texts shows this), as you live apart and give her space to do so, has proven time and again to not work. She has nothing to fear as she explores her options with other men as she knows that you will faithfully honor the do not date promise that she will not fully following when she has a viable option. We have seen this over and over again in these threads. As hard as it is for you to believe, your best chance at saving your marriage is to take action to end it without looking back. This means that when she tests your resolve by giving you false hope you do not immediately jump on it. Let her know that you now want the divorce too. Let her know that she has not been meeting your need to be loved. That you have decided that if she does not want to love you that you are sure that there is someone out there that does want to be your wife, someone that would thank God everyday that you were in her life. Tell her that the sooner that the divorce can happen, the sooner you can find that person and begin the rest of your life. Say this and mean it. Then move on. Only when she feels really alone and on her own will she appreciate the benefits that you brought to the table. Truthfully this may not work, but it gives you the best odds of saving your marriage long term. Better odds by far then your current plan. Read other threads on this and other sites, and you will see what I am talking about. If you act like a doormat, do not blame others for walking on you.

Edited August 24, 2014 by Try

[lolablue17]

Things are very clear to me:

 

The minute you stopped to all the time "ask her to reconcile", only for a minute, she immediately changed her attitude. as soon as you started just thinking about yourself and wanted to move, she felt insecure and suddenly needed you.

 

Now, you're back at the position as before - "you - asking her to reconcile and waiting for her reply". It's a better position because you have a place of your own, so the threat is on the background for her.

 

She doesn't plan it. It's probably all in her subconscious. But she behave according to the old known "ask\bid" market.

 

She also under some kind of trauma, and she feels very insecure. So she is reluctant to make major decisions, that's why she doesn't tell you explicitly that she wants to work on your marriage.

 

So you have to be very careful. She might be using you as a temporary crutch, so she is very unpredictable, and she can suddenly change her mind 180 more than one time.

 

You probably aren't good at that game of manipulations, so don't try to calculate your moves just to manipulate her to the spot you wish her to be. You're doing fine, but it's very important to keep your independency. It's OK to eat lunch or dinner with her but not every day. Keep some evenings to your self, hang out with friends. Have a life beside her and your daughter.

 

This is the best way to watch out for youself and at the same time, it's the best way to have her wanting you. Don't be too easy to get.

Edited August 24, 2014 by lolablue17

[atreides]

Geddy, how are things?

[jackslife]

There's a slight chance this will work.

 

There is no chance this will work.

[Geddy Lee]

Hello, I'm doing well. Thank you. Nothing has significantly developed. We continue to talk together. I'm able to go to my "wife's house" anytime. I actually appreciate the time I get to myself now. I am very happy with my new place. I have lots of time to read, or meditate or write in my journal or do whatever I want.

 

I'm still positive I want to pursue my marriage. I have nothing to loose. I am going to continue to talk to her and be helpful and positive, and be someone who is enjoyable and attractive to be around. I probably do need a miracle but I'm not giving up until she wants a divorce. Right now I feel we're not close to that stage. I don't want to turn away from my wife even if there's no chance or little chance. At least I will know I tried. If I were to ignore her and stop loving her then that would convince her I never was going to love her the way she wanted.

 

I really dont feel like it's the right time but at some point I intend on talking to her about us and tell her I have confidence that we can find answers to our past failures and ask her will she work on our marriage and ask her what miracle needs to take place or in what areas could I grow. Maybe the opportunity for this will present itself. That could be weeks. I am working on myself now and I don't feel so hopeless, but I still miss her

bad and even though I can see her anytime and talk to her it seems it will take some time to soften her heart and open back up to give it one more chance.

 

For now, though, we're just going on with life and I still have a family. I just don't live with them.

[bigman1]

Good luck. I pity you. Hope and desperation cause men to make horrible choices. Fear of facing the truth causes men to justify wrong choices and repeat them.

 

Your wife, sir, has the problem. You can fix you until you are perfect in your own eyes, but she will still have her problem and thus you will never be sufficient for her. Be well as you chase your dream.

[Btrade]

Just be ready for the day:A buddy tells you he saw her with another guy or

A buddy drives by and sees another car...

Etc.

Been on other forums.

Ive seen this 99999 times.

Separating gives her freedom to sext him after the kids are asleep...

One day he will come to town...

 

 

Guard your heart.

You are plan B

[happyman64]

Geddy

 

 

Do you and your wife have an agreement in place that you do not date others while you are "separated"?

 

 

And while you are on your own can I make a suggestion.

 

 

Really work on yourself.

 

 

Mentally and physically. Exercise. Eat right.

 

 

Make yourself look better and more attractive. Not for her but for yourself.

 

 

Other women will notice. And your wife will notice other women noticing.

 

 

And the work will be worth it for you in the future with her or without her.

 

 

HM

[aliveagain]

Hello, I'm doing well. Thank you. Nothing has significantly developed. We continue to talk together. I'm able to go to my "wife's house" anytime. I actually appreciate the time I get to myself now. I am very happy with my new place. I have lots of time to read, or meditate or write in my journal or do whatever I want.

 

I'm still positive I want to pursue my marriage. I have nothing to loose. I am going to continue to talk to her and be helpful and positive, and be someone who is enjoyable and attractive to be around. I probably do need a miracle but I'm not giving up until she wants a divorce. Right now I feel we're not close to that stage. I don't want to turn away from my wife even if there's no chance or little chance. At least I will know I tried. If I were to ignore her and stop loving her then that would convince her I never was going to love her the way she wanted.

 

I really dont feel like it's the right time but at some point I intend on talking to her about us and tell her I have confidence that we can find answers to our past failures and ask her will she work on our marriage and ask her what miracle needs to take place or in what areas could I grow. Maybe the opportunity for this will present itself. That could be weeks. I am working on myself now and I don't feel so hopeless, but I still miss her

bad and even though I can see her anytime and talk to her it seems it will take some time to soften her heart and open back up to give it one more chance.

 

For now, though, we're just going on with life and I still have a family. I just don't live with them.

 

Let's hope it doesn't take her 5 or 6 boyfriends and 15 years to decide because at that age your children will have their own lives and your options will be somewhat limited. Personally, I would bet my money on a life that I control and not on the whims of someone known for making bad choices. I guess it all comes down to how we value ourselves.