Wife wants me to leave home and child and separate

[StoneCold 2.0]

Wow...

 

Isnt it funny how x amount of years ago...a tsunami couldnt keep two people apart because they were all up on each other....now? lawyers and "abandonment", and finances, with the fire and the brimstone and the dogs with killer bees in their mouth lol

 

OP

 

Everyone is right...."right and wrong" in your marital breakdown aside, the abandonment thing is for real and it can mess you up in so many interesting and wonderful ways lol...especially be weary.... you are a guy. Family courts tend to not like men....its legal sexism lol....this is "cover your ass, watch your back" time, don't forget that.

 

...So............... don't leave the house before chatting with a lawyer (silly as that is given the context)

 

As for your marriage....

 

I think you know that its best that you both go your separate ways....but you are faltering and I get it (you even indicated it in a few places...)...you're scared...finance, big life shift, what about the kids....its almost literally petrifying. Say hello to your Demon that you must overcome. Have faith in yourself to make the right move for you...

 

However, while you are battling this demon.....grow a back bone and start standing up for yourself...you will never win if you dont...there are many reasons why you would want to stand up for yourself but even if at the very least....because you have nothing to lose...its a no brainer...your marriage is already shot....may as well, right?

[Chi townD]

Funny how your marriage and family is falling apart and she went on a weekend getaway with a girlfriend. Where did she say she was going? Who was she going with? Can you confirm that this person actually when with her? IS this person a friend to the marriage? Dude, I have a feeling that she went to meet up with the OM.

 

 

Time to snoop! Look up ATM records. See where money was drawn out. Look at credit card statements. See if there are any strange purchases on there or hotel bills....blah....blah....

 

 

Then look at the phone bill. If you notice she still texts or calls the OM a couple of times a day, but you notice that during that weekend away she may have text the OM once at the beginning of the weekend and nothing else that entire weekend; well, you can assume it was because he was with her.

[camillalev]

Because 9 times out of 10 they are, either the "grass is greener" or "from vine to vine" mentality. I wont say you wrong though, it is totally possible but in my opinion rare because it takes two and so many times in hindsight the WS re-writes marital history and omit their inaction's as well.

 

Again while you have a point, i have seen too many times where "i was lonely" and could tell you the couples.... my friends to frank, were great together and connected. The little things like at my house parties where they would kiss or hold each other at different times but she cheated and re-wrote what we witnessed and would deny things we flat out saw... just to justify her new addiction.

 

Doesn't sound like she's "rewriting" anything. This is what the OP realized on his own(and a little too late from what I'm gathering).

 

Loneliness is a horrible feeling, it eats away at you. It gets worse if you reach out to the person you sleep next to every night and get no real response. I won't demonize her for being lonely and eventually seeking human contact and someone to empathize with. She honestly sounds miserable and quite unhappy. Just kind of sad and lonely. :/ the OP doesn't sound happy either, sounds like he just wants to maintain his life as he's always known it. Sounds like He's also mishandled a lot of the red flag situations that he's mentioned. When she reached out to him saying she was lonely, he didn't reach out to her emotionally or didn't take it seriously, then when he realiZed this is real, he had a freak out, she point blank told him multiple times that she's emotionally done with this marriage, he is not letting that sink in and is trying to "save" it.

 

Yes it takes two to tango, but at this point I would say get a divorce.the chasm between you is just too deep, even from your posts you guys sound incredibly separate-mentally, emotionally, physically.. OP thinks this is survivable because they managed to have "brief encounters" and a dinner together. Wow. Saving this marriage is like bringing the dead to life.

[atreides]

Doesn't sound like she's "rewriting" anything. This is what the OP realized on his own(and a little too late from what I'm gathering).

 

I disagree. some quotes below

 

Loneliness is a horrible feeling, it eats away at you. It gets worse if you reach out to the person you sleep next to every night and get no real response.

 

but that's not what is happening.

 

 

 

I won't demonize her for being lonely and eventually seeking human contact and someone to empathize with. She honestly sounds miserable and quite unhappy. Just kind of sad and lonely. :/

 

where do you get that from, he has written how she responds but gives enough to see the fight he put in.... it smacks of an affair.

 

 

Yes it takes two to tango, but at this point I would say get a divorce.the chasm between you is just too deep, even from your posts you guys sound incredibly separate-mentally, emotionally, physically.. OP thinks this is survivable because they managed to have "brief encounters" and a dinner together. Wow. Saving this marriage is like bringing the dead to life.

 

IF she can escape her A fog then yes it can survive, but i think and maybe wrong about your context, but it seems to me that you see the OP as failed in being there for his wife and she is lonely and thus you can relate to this as described in one of your posts.... but he did not fail. He is working full time, doing all of the house chores along with the duties to help their daughter, while she goes and parties. heck he even stated that he was loyal and would not go out and knew his responsibilities in life.

 

 

Well hello world. My wife of 8 years told me 7 months ago that she was done with our marriage. We had not had too much of an intimate relationship for years. More like roommates. We tried counselling. She warned me that things needed to change. She wanted to feel loved and to be able to talk to someone. I would try but worked a lot and suffered from anxiety. So I did the worst... Panicked! You know the routine.. Now I know that's exactly what not to do..

 

So anyway after begging she basically allowed me to stick around and things were ok. Not great by any means but we kept the peace and remained polite. Until now. I ended up checking the cell phone bill and she had been texting OM. I blew up just a little and she claimed it was just friendly conversation. She says she does it to cope because she is over with our marriage. She denies any affair and I'm not sure if she is or not. She now says she's totally miserable and wants to change her life. She doesn't have any feelings for me any more.

 

See, this is my point, you argue loneliness but i do not see where the OP just let it go. She also is in contradiction, why defend to "friendly conversation" but then "be over with the marriage" this is why the OP asks, why does she deny the affair? Answer, because she is not as lonely as she states, but the "grass is looking greener elsewhere" and thus anything to justify it.

 

On top of that, he is the one working and ...

 

...she works part time and says she'll have to get a better paying job. I don't want her to leave and then my child suffer while staying at some unknown place. I wouldn't be able to take care of my child alone due to my working hours, and her school and what not. And

 

and the killer part is

 

My W is always on her phone texting and FB, and girls nights out. She's on a trip now this weekend with a girlfriend.

 

then gasoline on the fire with...

 

I stay home, tend to my daughter, come home every day, cook, clean, fix stuff around the house etc.. But after 12 years (8 married) I learn that's not what she wanted. She wanted affection and conversation and attention and says she wanted to feel like I loved her more than anything in the world. Of course I love her more than anything in the world....I tried the best I could. Did not go out, loyal, not abusive..

 

Where is she in all this, how the hell can he be her perceived 100% talk and love with all the responsibilities he is providing while she is on a GNO and now a GNO weekend.... correction... in my opinion... with the OM??? This is she re-writing because life has a whole lot of the mundane and her love chemicals are a blazing right now and nothing can compete with it. loneliness... pft..

 

 

 

 

 

I was finally able to at least get her to say she wishes everything would be great. (just doesn't think they can be) and said maybe she would at some point realize she's being dumb.

 

 

My wife has suffered depression and really had some sort of break down / mid life crisis 7 months ago and has gotten in to shape and is apparently dying for attention. She's just repeatedly said she's miserable, sick of her life and will change it no matter what. I do not want to loose her under any circumstances but make no mistake, keeping my family together is now my top priority.

 

Textbook "cheater speak"

 

 

 

And yes I have worked on myself but she just throws out such a blanket statement, that she wants to talk and be loved. Of course I love her and talk to her but it's hard when she's always wrapped up in smart phone /social media etc! I'm starting to panic again.

 

So no, he has tried on top of long work hours, raising their child and doing the good deeds he thought she wanted. If she was so lonely, help him with some of the chores to fee him up, especially after all the hours of work.

 

This is why i don't see loneliness as it is all cracked up to be... too much that has been written goes to the contrary... IE why so many posters are in agreement over it. For me it's not about the OP going for D or R but to help him answer why. after all thus his thread's questions.

 

OP if anything you are at fault with and it is no fault at all, is being a gentlemen and a great father from what i can gather. LS is filled with Wayward spouses that change modes and go party and forget the life the helped create and do not take responsibility for. I hope you find your peace.

Edited July 28, 2014 by atreides

[Geddy Lee]

I did try to be there for her, yes. I served her in every way possible. We were not there intimately. She had it in her head that I was going to be Mr romantic or Knight in shiny armor. In fact when we met she wouldn't hesitate to initiate or at least respond to intimacy. After a while I gave up because it just wasn't there anymore. This goes very deep and it's been going on for at least 6 or 7 years. I'm not saying she's evil. She's still my wife (for now). She's just wanting to change her life and I never had the slightest idea she would ever leave me. I always thought that one day we would work everything out and be the closest partners and friends and lovers but it just didn't happen. She's just thinking of herself. I just don't get how that's more important than keeping a family together but the unhappiness has somehow outweighed that and yes that is very sad.

 

I understand the advice to just leave because she's a cheater. I do know for sure she was with a mutual girl - friend over weekend. I did see on phone records she texted and called OM but hasn't been really texting OM all the time now. He lives a few thousand plus miles away so I'm not really sure what that means. As far as I know no one else friends or family know about this although her daughter (my step daughter, one of two) has been so upset because she knows we're going through big trouble and is mad at her mom and they are not getting along now. There was one OM she texted last month for like a week straight 24/7 "friendly conversation" . And the only other time I caught her was when her phone accidentally was unlocked (yes she locks her phone) and she had been texting a girl friend of hers about another OM that she was texting. The talk was very provocative and even showed her girl friend where she exchanged non nude sexy pics and forwarded them to her. That was several months ago and when I confronted her she said she thought about having an affair but decided it wouldn't help matters. And that she ended that. That was the end of that until now. She had been acting fine up until now.

 

I should have came on here after that but anyway I understand the cheating is a symptom. I'm trying to do what's best for us and our family.

 

Today she approached me. She's very worried about quitting her part time job and getting another. She cried out that she's afraid I'm going to screw her and get mad and leave and leave her with house. I assured her that no matter what she could tell me anything and I would forgive her and if she's just upset because of guilt, to let that go and tell me anything. I also told her I understand she's been hurting all this time and I wasn't there in the way she needed. She ended the talk by saying she just doesn't look at me the way a girl should look at a boy. (I'm normal looking, decent so that's not the issue) I think we're like brother and sister unfortunately. She said that she definitely wants me to leave eventually. She says for like 3 months. She said she wishes that somehow that might let her develop some kind of feelings again for me.

 

That's the best I can do. I am going to have to get out of my Limbo and move on. I am going to ask her to read the Woman's Infidelity volumes but I don't know if she will. She's kind of acting like she's stressed out now over the fact that I will be leaving but she's got it dead set in her head.

 

Fellini, I had actually brought up the structured separation to her and that's what she wanted to do. I'll have to try the best I can to separate, get myself out of Limbo somehow, and then see if after 3 months we could do better. That's the point of trial separation. So in that case I won't be giving up on her... Not pandering and kissing up, but giving her that space. I think the key is like you said, understand to not be afraid of the marriage ending, and not being afraid to leave my daughter, which was really why I reached out here to begin with. I know that sounds like enabling her and giving her that security but that's the only thing I can get the strength to do right now.

[USMCHokie]

Ugh...sorry to say, but this is not going to end well for you...she's going to take advantage of your weakness...

[atreides]

Geddy, you have to decide what you want from this. If you are going to divorce, so be it but if you want reconcile as you stated, you would forgive anything.... ugh...

 

Today she approached me. She's very worried about quitting her part time job and getting another. She cried out that she's afraid I'm going to screw her and get mad and leave and leave her with house.

 

 

Yes, when i read this, i saw some glimmer of hope for you, to use but then....

 

 

I assured her that no matter what she could tell me anything and I would forgive her and if she's just upset because of guilt, to let that go and tell me anything. I also told her I understand she's been hurting all this time and I wasn't there in the way she needed.

 

 

what not to do or say.... of course you want to forgive her but you don't let her know that, that is your goal, i get that.... but she is running you over and thus this image of you as she is saying is not of a romantic husband and while you are a gentlemen for doing all you have done, being the nice guy... well frankly always finishes last. You have the opportunity and can reverse it by saying you will move ahead with separation (not agreeable to her 3 months where she will run you over but you have the upper hand) and set ground rules for more counseling or whatever you desire.

Ensure transparency, not passwords on the phone and such and to work you the marriage, no matter her fight. I will tell you that she still feels something for you, or she would not have guilt as in she defends and denies not having an Affair.... thus that guilt leads to deeper feelings she still has... but you remind her with your pandering that she can keep leaving you.

 

 

 

She ended the talk by saying she just doesn't look at me the way a girl should look at a boy.

 

Meaning not romantically.

 

She is just using you as a crutch and you are letting her. Now if you do not want to try and fix it, then just ride it out but i would protect your assets and talk to a lawyer.

[Geddy Lee]

I understand what you mean. I read in Women's Infidelity that I need to let her know 100% that if she's guilty then I would be able to forgive her, she just needs to tell the truth to move on. I was just giving her the opportunity to let go of it all. I felt one thing that's holding her back is the guilt. But she's holding strong. I agree that the last resort is now to move on myself, I see that. I just thought that the structured separation may be a good way to begin that process and give her the space to think clearly.

 

I feel like there's no where else to go with my actions and feelings. I appreciate your all's generous time. I am thankful for that. I'll look into support now for how to handle separation and children. I think that's really what the next step is. Thanks so much.

[fellini]

I understand what you mean. I read in Women's Infidelity that I need to let her know 100% that if she's guilty then I would be able to forgive her, she just needs to tell the truth to move on. I was just giving her the opportunity to let go of it all. I felt one thing that's holding her back is the guilt. But she's holding strong. I agree that the last resort is now to move on myself, I see that. I just thought that the structured separation may be a good way to begin that process and give her the space to think clearly.

 

I feel like there's no where else to go with my actions and feelings. I appreciate your all's generous time. I am thankful for that. I'll look into support now for how to handle separation and children. I think that's really what the next step is. Thanks so much.

 

One can only express guilt if one believes to be guilty of something. A lot of talk here like you have an open/shut case of cheating. By your own words, I haven't heard or seen anything about that. My WS cheated. I know this. But it's seems a little odd to me that you continue to talk about OMs not just an OM. She is texting several men. She is communicating with men and women. But is she being unfaithful? She knows you know about these conversations? Is she hiding anything from you? She has told you she wants "space", she has told you what's wrong, that the marriage is over? Like others here, I don't understand the emphasis on divorce, or cheating, or if it's an EA or a PA and all that crap.

 

This woman seems to be clear that she wants out of the existing monogamous relationship, perhaps so that she can explore her needs elsewhere or not, the fact is she wants some space. So give it to her. What can one possibly gain by hanging around and begging someone to stay?

 

As I said, give her the books. If she reads them, all the better, if not, too bad. We cannot make people cheat, and we cannot make people think twice about NOT cheating.

 

Be the person you want to be. The thing is, you two ARE a family, and nothing, but nothing is going to change that. The only thing up in the air is WHAT KIND of family you are going to be in the future. If I were in your shoes right now, based on what I have learned about a WW, which is where I sort of was 15 months ago. I would simply say "Okay. You need space. Ill give it to you. I ask that you use that time to figure out what you really want, and have the decency to tell me about it when you know." And let her go.

 

This is the core of what Langley is saying in Women's Infidelity. She doesn't have to decide anything as long as YOU REMAIN IN LIMBO WITH HER. It may well be she really does want out, but is, like you, afraid to make that leap. We are capable of this very basic contradiction. And I disagree with those posters that say the only reason she wants out is because she has something on the wings waiting for her. THAT IS TOTALLY A GUY THING. That is the cliche from Ashley Judd's movie "Someone like You" in which ALL men are cheaters because they NEVER leave their primary relationship unless they have a replacement already going. Maybe she is genuinely going to leave. And maybe she has something in mind, or simply wants to be free of you so that she can explore that. Or maybe she has discovered some long lost feelings through her texting and she wants to explore those but is a moral person who realises she needs to end her primary relationship at least temporarily to do so.

 

You need to know either way.

 

And so does she.

 

You know the old saying: Let her go, if she comes back, she's yours, if not, she never was.

Edited July 29, 2014 by fellini

[Owl]

The "having someone in the wings" is not "only a guy thing".

 

It's a fairly common occurrences on both sides of the fence.

 

And...it's pretty clear from the OP's recent posts that there's more going on here...

 

There was one OM she texted last month for like a week straight 24/7 "friendly conversation" . And the only other time I caught her was when her phone accidentally was unlocked (yes she locks her phone) and she had been texting a girl friend of hers about another OM that she was texting. The talk was very provocative and even showed her girl friend where she exchanged non nude sexy pics and forwarded them to her. That was several months ago and when I confronted her she said she thought about having an affair but decided it wouldn't help matters. And that she ended that. That was the end of that until now. She had been acting fine up until now.

 

You're seeing a pattern here now.

 

My advice is different. DO NOT AGREE TO SUPPORT HER OR DO ANYTHING TO "TAKE CARE OF HER" going forward.

 

She should be afraid that she's gonna get dumped on her ass.

 

She's treated you badly, and she's now worried that she's going to be dealt with in the same fashion.

 

I still think that your first step needs to be to see a lawyer...TODAY!

 

Find out what your rights are, find out what happens if you leave the house, or if you continue to make these verbal promises to her.

 

You need to set some seriously clear boundaries with her. If she wants to keep you in her life...she needs to make some clear changes. If she doesn't make those changes...she faces those consequences (of being out on her ass) as a result.

 

THAT SIMPLE.

 

It kind of ties in with the last bit of Fellini's advice:

 

You know the old saying: Let her go, if she comes back, she's yours, if not, she never was.

 

There's some truth to this. The thing is...you need to let her go...completely and totally without your support. If she wants to live without you...let her see what that's like...and you need to take care of yourself and your family.

 

If she wants out...let her get out. But make sure she doesn't hose you over in the process.

Edited July 29, 2014 by Owl

[aliveagain]

We all know what trial separations are really about, it's a way for a wayward spouse to test drive their affair partner with you waiting in the background in case things don't work out. Your guarantee'd more pain if you follow that path. You need to knock her of the fence, she commits to the marriage or she's out of it. Talk to a lawyer, start the paperwork, it takes time to divorce and the process can be stopped anytime up to the final decree.

 

She needs to know that everything is at risk if she continues with her O/M or men. You need to be clear with her about what you need if she chooses reconciliation, set your boundaries, draw your line in the sand and defend it. Make her affair a bad place to be, cut her off financially, show her what her future looks like without you. If the love is gone it's better you know now and not 6 months down the road because that's 6 months you can spend on your healing. Get rid of any of her friends that facilitated her cheating if you decide on reconciliation.

[StoneCold 2.0]

Geddy,

 

You know your marriage is messed right? like completely FUBAR...I don't know how that can ever be fixed as it seems too far gone...way too far gone.

 

And even if by some stroke of unworldly fluke.....if you two do get past this......are you really ok with this (her "past")? really? or were you just desperate while basking in the illusion of love? This is a very important question because...

 

A) the desperation will go away after obtaining a "positive" result (fixing the marriage)...so there goes that influence; and...

 

B) whatever feeling of love you are feeling is always susceptible to changing in the future....always

 

So when the desperation wears off and the love high comes down....and you start feeling better about your own value...Are you still going to be ok with her past? Or will it come back to you...but this time in a different way....in the way of anger and resentment? Because should that happen, bad times could comeback but this time it may be even worse because now you are pissed and wont "take that sh*t" anymore.

 

 

 

 

If you separate....consider your marriage over....quit pining over her and do you........ because she is going to do her (or more like other dudes will be doing her).....and very very likely....it will be over with no hope even from the start.....and you just "F"'ed yourself.

[fellini]

We all know what trial separations are really about, it's a way for a wayward spouse to test drive their affair partner with you waiting in the background in case things don't work out. Your guarantee'd more pain if you follow that path.

 

Maybe "trial separations", and probably if the wayward says "I need some space to figure out what I want". And definately if the entire A is still undisclosed. But NOT if things are out in the open.

 

Not with a "structured separation". It's okay if you don't feel like finding out for yourself what a "structured separation" is, what defines it, what it is for, and how it is used to work through marital problems: it is NOT a synonym for separation or trial separation. The OP is thinking about doing it, and it makes perfect sense. If his spouse agrees. I doubt she will, given she wants him out period.

 

I used a structured separation and it was NOT about my WS getting nooky time. The fact is, she didn't want the structured separation because she was afraid it meant I was out the door, not her. We already had a dday and was 6 months NC. If she had wanted to be with the AP, she already had that opportunity long before; she had that opportunity when I let her walk and be with him.

 

This woman THINKS / SAYS she wants to end the marriage. A structured separation is, in this case, a way for her to find out if in fact she is in tune with her feelings to leave it all behind. It has ZERO to do with infidelity, actually.

Edited July 29, 2014 by fellini

[Owl]

Maybe "trial separations", and probably if the wayward says "I need some space to figure out what I want". And definately if the entire A is still undisclosed. But NOT if things are out in the open.

 

Not with a "structured separation". It's okay if you don't feel like finding out for yourself what a "structured separation" is, what defines it, what it is for, and how it is used to work through marital problems: it is NOT a synonym for separation or trial separation. The OP is thinking about doing it, and it makes perfect sense. If his spouse agrees. I doubt she will, given she wants him out period.

 

I used a structured separation and it was NOT about my WS getting nooky time. The fact is, she didn't want the structured separation because she was afraid it meant I was out the door, not her. We already had a dday and was 6 months NC. If she had wanted to be with the AP, she already had that opportunity long before; she had that opportunity when I let her walk and be with him.

 

This woman THINKS / SAYS she wants to end the marriage. A structured separation is, in this case, a way for her to find out if in fact she is in tune with her feelings to leave it all behind. It has ZERO to do with infidelity, actually.

 

If the structured seperation is done at the behest of the BS, then I believe it plays out the way it did in your situation.

 

If the structured seperation is requested by the WS...then I disagree...it's nearly always intended by the WS as their opportunity for that test drive. Even if the whole affair is out in the open. That's PRECISELY what went down in my own situation. My wife wanted a 'trial seperation'...and, unrealized by me at the time...she did so with the full intent of exploring her relationship with him without 'losing me' completely out of her life. It wasn't until I realized that was her plan, and refused to participate in it...and then informed her that if this was her choice, we'd divorce and no longer be a part of each other's life...once that revelation came to light, she finally made her 'choice'. No test drive needed.

 

Whether or not it has anything to do with infidelity is entirely dependent on who requested it, and why.

[fellini]

If the structured seperation is done at the behest of the BS, then I believe it plays out the way it did in your situation.

 

If the structured seperation is requested by the WS...then I disagree...it's nearly always intended by the WS as their opportunity for that test drive. Even if the whole affair is out in the open. That's PRECISELY what went down in my own situation. My wife wanted a 'trial seperation'...and, unrealized by me at the time...she did so with the full intent of exploring her relationship with him without 'losing me' completely out of her life.

 

But did you even read my post? Didn't I say "trial separation" is NOT synonymous with a "structured separation"? a WS can "request" a structured separation but that's as far as it goes. A structured separation is NEVER a test drive because it has nothing to do with a trial separation, which is just a phrase couples use to define that one of them is out of the house.

 

Again, if you don't WANT to look up the difference between your use of the phrase "trial separation" and what is called "structured" then FINE!

 

But clearly what you had with your wife was NOT a structured separation, it was a separation so she could continue her A.

 

A structure separation is a LAST RESORT before a couple decides to divorce, it is not a SOLUTION to cheat. If the OP thinks his wife is interested in an A through separation then they are never going to get to the point of a "structured separation" are they. It isn't a one-way street. Like reconciliation, it takes 2, not 1. or it is NOT reconciliation. Structured separations are AGREEMENTS between two spouses about to END their marriage to ensure that they are making the right decision before making it final. And it involves other strategies and activities, and I assure you one of them is not invite an AP into your space.

[aliveagain]

But did you even read my post? Didn't I say "trial separation" is NOT synonymous with a "structured separation"? a WS can "request" a structured separation but that's as far as it goes. A structured separation is NEVER a test drive because it has nothing to do with a trial separation, which is just a phrase couples use to define that one of them is out of the house.

 

Again, if you don't WANT to look up the difference between your use of the phrase "trial separation" and what is called "structured" then FINE!

 

But clearly what you had with your wife was NOT a structured separation, it was a separation so she could continue her A.

 

A structure separation is a LAST RESORT before a couple decides to divorce, it is not a SOLUTION to cheat. If the OP thinks his wife is interested in an A through separation then they are never going to get to the point of a "structured separation" are they. It isn't a one-way street. Like reconciliation, it takes 2, not 1. or it is NOT reconciliation. Structured separations are AGREEMENTS between two spouses about to END their marriage to ensure that they are making the right decision before making it final. And it involves other strategies and activities, and I assure you one of them is not invite an AP into your space.

 

 

Sounds like you had the perfect wayward wife, hope it worked out for you. I'm with Owl, when separation is requested by the wayward spouse it's usually because they want a test drive of new man/woman while having you as back up. I had a legal separation prepared by competent lawyers, her request. The first week she was gone she was dating a pilot and banging her married boss. The marriage never recovered. If you want her attention, put divorce on the table, don't waste anymore time than you have to on a bad situation. Trust your gut.

[atreides]

Sounds like you had the perfect wayward wife, hope it worked out for you. I'm with Owl, when separation is requested by the wayward spouse it's usually because they want a test drive of new man/woman while having you as back up. I had a legal separation prepared by competent lawyers, her request. The first week she was gone she was dating a pilot and banging her married boss. The marriage never recovered. If you want her attention, put divorce on the table, don't waste anymore time than you have to on a bad situation. Trust your gut.

 

I agree the norm is as you and Owl say.

 

But i think Fellini's situation is something he initiated and the W did not want if i recall, which puts the ball in his court to control... it was his way of achieving R fully because he already gave her the out and she did not take it and was against being left as she thought "he would move out" and perhaps move on. He also said there was 6 months of NC, so i see his separation as the final puzzle piece to ensure he was who she wanted.

 

Fellini does not see an affair going on, where we do... so the contexts are coming from different sides of the coin.

[oldshirt]

Is texting someone else always an emotional affair? .

 

When it's a non-relative of the opposite sex - yes.

[Owl]

I agree the norm is as you and Owl say.

 

But i think Fellini's situation is something he initiated and the W did not want if i recall, which puts the ball in his court to control... it was his way of achieving R fully because he already gave her the out and she did not take it and was against being left as she thought "he would move out" and perhaps move on. He also said there was 6 months of NC, so i see his separation as the final puzzle piece to ensure he was who she wanted.

 

Fellini does not see an affair going on, where we do... so the contexts are coming from different sides of the coin.

 

And you've outlined the key difference that I don't think that Fellini read in my post...HE (Fellini) initiated the seperation...it was not a seperation request that came from his wife.

 

That's a key differentiator here too.

 

I'll say it again...if the WS requests the seperation...it's nearly always a trial run of the affair partner. If the BS does...then clearly it's not (at least on their part...their WS may or may not have their own plans about that timeframe).

 

It's pretty clear that the OP's wife has engaged in some kind of inappropriate conduct with men outside the marriage...and she appears to be the one seeking the seperation.

 

It ain't rocket science.

[fellini]

When it's a non-relative of the opposite sex - yes.

 

His is totally unacceptable definition of an EA. Some, myself included, have better and more genuine relations with people of the opposite sex. My discussing all of my marital problems with the three women - two married and one single - does not constitute EA. Neither are our discussions emotional between us nor are they an affair. They are about my emotions, and my WS and her affair. None of these women or I ever could have accused each other of being in an EA.

[Owl]

His is totally unacceptable definition of an EA. Some, myself included, have better and more genuine relations with people of the opposite sex. My discussing all of my marital problems with the three women - two married and one single - does not constitute EA. Neither are our discussions emotional between us nor are they an affair. They are about my emotions, and my WS and her affair. None of these women or I ever could have accused each other of being in an EA.

 

Whether or not these women agree it's an EA, or even if you do, is irrelevent. Are their husbands completely aware of the frequence and content of these discussions, and are comfortable with them? Is your wife?

 

If it's done behind a spouse's back, without her knowledge or consent, and they feel like it's a violation of boundaries and trust...it's an EA.

 

If it's done out in the open, with clear consent all the way around...not an EA.

 

Simple difference.

[fellini]

Whether or not these women agree it's an EA, or even if you do, is irrelevent. Are their husbands completely aware of the frequence and content of these discussions, and are comfortable with them? Is your wife?

 

If it's done behind a spouse's back, without her knowledge or consent, and they feel like it's a violation of boundaries and trust...it's an EA.

 

If it's done out in the open, with clear consent all the way around...not an EA.

 

Simple difference.

 

Texting someone of the opposite sex who is not a family member is NOT an EA.

 

private in braille or on pink background: texting someone of the opposite sex is not an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. You have to have INAPPROPRIATE FEELINGS for it to come even close to being an EA.

 

I suppose a man who goes to a female IC to talk about his marriage without his wife's knowledge is having an emotional affair by your definition.

 

im having an emotional affair because i am discussing issues behind my WS's back here on LS? Because some of the people who respond to me are female? Give me a break.

[aliveagain]

May I suggest that we keep the topic to what is important to GeddyLee, perhaps someone can start a new thread about what is a proper definition for an Emotional Affair. The man is hurting, he believes it's an emotional affair at the minimum.

[Geddy Lee]

Fellini, I agree

Quote "This woman seems to be clear that she wants out of the existing monogamous relationship, perhaps so that she can explore her needs elsewhere or not, the fact is she wants some space. So give it to her. What can one possibly gain by hanging around and begging someone to stay?"

 

No doubt..

 

I just can't believe she's ok with my daughter losing her dad, that makes me feel so betrayed.. more than anything. It kills me to think I'll lose all the hours with my daughter at home.

 

As far as an affair. There's that gut feeling and I just can't tell. Sure there are the signs of it. I could list a few of them but it could just be incidental. I do believe there is an EA though, because the the texts were litterally every minute from 8am to midnight or so for a week straight. (the out of town guy) then she stopped, now it's every other few days and phone call a couple times. I did ask to see the texts but she did not comply. The one last month, same thing, texts thousands of times, back and forth for litterally a week straight then stopped. I couldn't do that if I tried. And definitely the sexting I mentioned, several months back, when I just completely believed her story (after I confronted her) that she realized it was a bad idea then stopped. It's like beating a dead horse. But it's not right in my opinion . I'm definitely not cool with it.

 

I don't think she's got someone particularly lined up, that's not my concern. I know for sure she won't move someone in right away. She has 3 daughters (2 are my stepdaughters). I think I know her well enough to believe she doesn't have a man to replace me in the home. Lately there hasn't been any clues leading me to believe she's having a PA at this moment.

 

All I want to do now is put this past me. I know I'm leaving. I probably should get a lawyer. I really can't see how she could screw me. It would be very cruel to stick her and not help with my child in the home. It will be bad enough for her to be without someone to cook and help out around the house and clean, do favors and chores.. change light bulbs.. You know, things that men do.

 

Stone Cold 2.0 I also hear what you're saying

Quote "So when the desperation wears off and the love high comes down....and you start feeling better about your own value...Are you still going to be ok with her past?"

 

I don't know if I can be ok with it. It depends.

 

To clarify, she said our relationship is too messed up.. etc etc.. and I asked for any kind of alternative to ending everything and we both had the idea of space but I requested a few weeks and she said that would be pointless. Her idea was at least 3 months to see if she could develop feelings while I was gone. By being away our time together could be more meaningful or intentional. Those were her words. She did not mislead me or say maybe it will work out. In fact she says she doesn't think it will but she wants to be sure before making such a huge decision. I'm beginning to become ok with that answer. I think she's being careful. Maybe in some sort of loving way, trying not to hurt me anymore than she already has. Wow I know, how kind..

 

I did email her the plan, a structured separation so to speak, and we both agreed on almost everything. Funny, now that I look back, one thing she questioned was that we wouldn't text other people in excess and she replied that she has friends of opposite sex.. would she get in trouble for that? Weird. So that's when I wrote my first post on here...

 

So anyway,

I rented a storage unit and I'm bringing home boxes tomorrow, she may ask me about that. She previously told me I didn't have to move my stuff out (yet) but I feel by removing every last peice of my crap from the house it will prove my intentions that I can also be "done" with it too. Before it's said and done, she may just freak out when I leave. Hopefully I'm not chasing some kind of "beat her at her own game". I'm really trying to do what's right, not trying to win some prize. I'm not really confident at this time that I can establish some kind of ultimatum. But maybe at some point I will be able to "get the backbone". I feel like I'm getting there.

[atreides]

As far as an affair. There's that gut feeling and I just can't tell. Sure there are the signs of it. I could list a few of them but it could just be incidental. I do believe there is an EA though, because the the texts were litterally every minute from 8am to midnight or so for a week straight. (the out of town guy) then she stopped, now it's every other few days and phone call a couple times. I did ask to see the texts but she did not comply. The one last month, same thing, texts thousands of times, back and forth for litterally a week straight then stopped. I couldn't do that if I tried. And definitely the sexting I mentioned, several months back, when I just completely believed her story (after I confronted her) that she realized it was a bad idea then stopped. It's like beating a dead horse. But it's not right in my opinion . I'm definitely not cool with it.

 

Very sorry Geddy,

Your wife is in an A, it does not need to be physical at the point to constitute it. An EA, PA what have you is an A. Sexting, thousands of texts is not normal with just "guy friends" there is definitely an A.

 

The reason why some of us argue the point of an A, helps you discern the source and it should be treated differently in my opinion vs giving up on the M. There is a HUGE difference when one is just done with the marriage and leaves, i have seen that plenty of times and it usually works out amicably as there is no anger, spite, SECRETS what have you, it is a time of loss one side or both have just lost the flame and and part ways.

 

That vs an A, which is an addiction, has different properties from the former, there are lies upon lies and secrets and false justifications. Things are said to justify the actions, marriage being rewritten to suit their guilt. Separations to explore without restraint their A while you wait so that they can test drive it and have you as back up. It would be the chemicals talking at that point. Irrational thinking such as

 

I just can't believe she's ok with my daughter losing her dad

 

 

 

All I want to do now is put this past me. I know I'm leaving. I probably should get a lawyer. I really can't see how she could screw me. It would be very cruel to stick her and not help with my child in the home. It will be bad enough for her to be without someone to cook and help out around the house and clean, do favors and chores.. change light bulbs.. You know, things that men do.

 

First, get a lawyer. Second, don't leave, she leaves, its her having the A or for those that don't argue an A, she at least wants to leave, so let her but you stay. Third, not much can stand up to the chemical high of an A.

 

Her idea was at least 3 months to see if she could develop feelings

that answer. I think she's being careful. Maybe in some sort of loving way, trying not to hurt me anymore than she already has.

 

Textbook, textbook to cheaters... "i wont tell because i want to protect my husband from my affair."

 

So anyway,

I rented a storage unit and I'm bringing home boxes tomorrow, she may ask me about that. She previously told me I didn't have to move my stuff out (yet) but I feel by removing every last peice of my crap from the house it will prove my intentions that I can also be "done" with it too. Before it's said and done, she may just freak out when I leave. Hopefully I'm not chasing some kind of "beat her at her own game". I'm really trying to do what's right, not trying to win some prize. I'm not really confident at this time that I can establish some kind of ultimatum. But maybe at some point I will be able to "get the backbone". I feel like I'm getting there.

 

Again, if things are where they are, get the lawyer and file for divorce. It can always be stopped but you have control by doing so... that will freak her out for sure. The separation simply prolongs the inevitable and enables her to peruse her As further while you wait and put you at a disadvantage with divorce at that point.

So if you must separate, i say divorce. The option to get back together (you still write about) in hopes of her having a wakeup call are the same as separation. As a matter of fact almost all the dynamics of filing vs separation are the same except for one thing... you will have control.

Edited July 30, 2014 by atreides