Wife wants me to leave home and child and separate

[Owl]

No question, this will definitely solve your impasse. Probably not in the way you suspected. But it will definitely solve your impasse, and she will get precisely what she wants: a separation created by you because you decided what the options were and forced her to choose one. That's a great way to get a marriage back on the right track.

It's mind boggling how little faith people can have in the productive activity called giving "space".

 

It's true, you can threaten her with either do it "my way" (my conditions, my requirements and my solutions) or we can divorce.

 

Or you can be an adult and treat her with respect, and show her you can handle whatever it is she is going through right now that has her in this impasse.

 

There's no real reason to believe that it wouldn't get the outcome that he's looking for...this is what worked for myself and many others.

 

That "wake up call" is precisely what she needs.

 

Pandering to HER request for seperation will only lead to a longer seperation than the OP is looking for...as already indicated by her insistence of a longer seperation than what he's offering.

 

Seperating RARELY leads a marriage back on track.

 

More often, it becomes part of the pattern of the marriage...it often becomes longer and more frequent seperations when the couple has a dispute again, until they finally make it permanent.

 

That's because in seperation, you don't actually learn how to resolve the issues that the couple have...you learn to avoid them.

 

Avoidance isn't a solution that works well for a relationship long term.

 

I still stand by my advice, and by what Atriedes has suggested.

 

OP...don't negotiate for a solution you don't want anyway. You don't want seperation period...so remove it from the table.

[fellini]

I know this is none of my business but I tend to agree with atreides.

 

If your wife is having an emotional or physical affair she is likely to be in the affair fog. He indecision will never end. 3 months isn't going to bring back feelings for you because they are clouded by feelings for someone else.

 

Women's Infidelity states it nicely :-

 

Stage 3 :

 

"These women are also typically in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands and their new love interests."

 

"Many live in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” this is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3 – it is also common for women at this stage to attempt to initiate a separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands. The reason many women will give for their desire to separate is a “search for self.” They convince their husbands that they might be able to save their marriage if they can just have time to themselves. They tell their husbands that time apart is the only hope of improving their current situation. Women at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most think that eventually their confusion will disappear. They think they will eventually know with certainty whether they want to stay married or get divorced and be with their lovers."

 

In my own case with not a wife but my long term partner (11 years) I gave her a week space, at the end of the week she said she needed more time. I told her no more time and that was the end of our relationship. However it does fall in line with the above quote. She will be indecisive indefinitely.

 

That quote specifically and clearly states the opposite of what Artreides says: men who try to win them back, be better husbands, spend more time with them ARE FUTILE.

 

the op has read both volumes of Langley, and so he already knows that his only hope is to withdraw himself from the security of doing nothing and staying in limbo with his wife, and creating an immediate wakeup action, not words, but action. For himself and potentially for her.

 

He can pull himself out of limbo, but only she can do the same by ceasing to imagine being in two relationships as an option. The sooner she sees tnat op is preparing his exit, the sooner she will address that issue. That is pure Langley.

[atreides]

That quote specifically and clearly states the opposite of what Artreides says: men who try to win them back, be better husbands, spend more time with them ARE FUTILE.

 

the op has read both volumes of Langley, and so he already knows that his only hope is to withdraw himself from the security of doing nothing and staying in limbo with his wife, and creating an immediate wakeup action, not words, but action. For himself and potentially for her.

 

He can pull himself out of limbo, but only she can do the same by ceasing to imagine being in two relationships as an option. The sooner she sees tnat op is preparing his exit, the sooner she will address that issue. That is pure Langley.

 

 

He is using it to prove my point...

we both agree doing nothing is correct. I am not for pandering, separating is pandering and Geddy has been pandering... spending more time doing the "good guy stuff" and now agreeing to her terms is more pandering.

 

 

II have more faith in giving her what she wants, as in some sort of separation, at this time.

 

 

Look at the quote...

 

Women at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most think that eventually their confusion will disappear. They think they will eventually know with certainty whether they want to stay married or get divorced and be with their lovers.

 

In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house.

 

I am 100% not for that, as that is exactly what he has been doing.

 

 

The quote below is verbatim what she will do and why... exactly what i stated.

 

Women at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers.

 

point in case. I never said be better husband... as to pander. Fred got that...

 

also to point

 

Separation allows women at this stage, to enjoy the high they experience with their lovers without giving up the security of their marriages

 

bingo.

 

and lastly Geddy this is for you.

 

Some women will search for new partners during their separations. Others will return to their marriages, but not emotionally and still continue to search. Some women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard their marriage until they make a decision. Although they are often not sexually attracted to their husbands,

Edited July 31, 2014 by atreides

[Timmos]

It's mind boggling how little faith people can have in the productive activity called giving "space".

 

Late one night my wife told me, out of the blue, that she was unhappy and wanted to separate. She needed time alone to sort out all of her stress and confusion. Like the OP, I was shocked and tried my best to help her in any way I could, as I was convinced that SOMEHOW I had hurt her and caused these feelings.

 

Yeah. Space. So she could **** a co-worker.

[Owl]

the op has read both volumes of Langley, and so he already knows that his only hope is to withdraw himself from the security of doing nothing and staying in limbo with his wife, and creating an immediate wakeup action, not words, but action. For himself and potentially for her.

 

He can pull himself out of limbo, but only she can do the same by ceasing to imagine being in two relationships as an option. The sooner she sees tnat op is preparing his exit, the sooner she will address that issue. That is pure Langley.

 

This is all only true if you buy Langley's views/methods. And ONLY Langley's...

 

There are other authors out there...just as well respected...that offer different methods and viewpoints.

 

You recommend this one...which is totally fine...and the OP has read it.

 

You'll find that the methods being suggested are base elements of other, equally respected authors on the subject.

 

None of us here are recommending that the OP make those "futile attempts to appease his wife".

 

On the contrary...giving in to her wish for seperation is simply doing exactly that...even Langley mentioned in those quotes that these 'seperations' that are instigated by the wayward wife (as in OPs situation) are just excuses offered by the wives to 'explore themselves' and do nothing to improve the marriage.

 

In fact...can you show me where in the quotes mentioned that Langely actually does recommend that these seperations are helpful for the marriage? I see that they mention seperations as something that the wayward wives often sought out...but I didn't see anything in that quote about it being beneficial to the marriage?

[Quiet Storm]

I do not think you should separate. If she wants to separate, then she should leave. You are being way too accommodating. You can be understanding of her feelings and her need for space, but still remain in your home.

 

She has no respect for you. How could she respect a man that doesn't stand up for his principles? How could she respect a man that leaves his own home when he did nothing wrong? How can she respect a man that begs her (a woman treating her husband like crap) to allow him to stay?

 

You are doing the same thing that many men do. You think being accommodating, understanding, patient and kind is going to eventually result in some epiphany where she thinks "Wow, what a great husband I have. I have put him through ALL this and he's still waiting for me. I appreciate him so much and am so lucky to have him. What a guy!"

 

Meanwhile, while you are alone in your new place hoping, she is enjoying her freedom. She can do as she pleases. She can avoid the guilt. She can avoid feeling like a crappy wife. She can avoid seeing the pain in your face every day. All the things that made her feel just a little accountable, will be gone. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

If she wants that life, then she should be the one to logistically make that happen.

 

This will not create feelings of appreciation in the way that you hope. Yeah, she may appreciate that you moved out so she didn't have to, but that's not going to make her want you again. You are proving to her that you are not the man for her. A woman wants to respect her man & be attracted to him. Your actions are counterproductive to creating respect and sexual attraction, which are far more important to a woman than being compliant & accommodating.

 

I could see if you were moving out because you can no longer tolerate her behavior & disrespect, but you are moving out because she wants you to!

 

I know that you are hurt & confused and trying to hang on to any scrap of hope you can find, but I think you should really reconsider. If you move out, I don't think you will ever be moving back in.

 

I apologize if my post is harsh, but I have been reading here for a long time. Women cheaters will just view everything you are doing as further proof that you are not "the one". They don't appreciate kindness & consideration. If you want her back, then I think you will have to find a way to inspire feelings of respect & attraction. This is not it.

 

Only move out if you want to detach from her.

[inpeices]

Hi Geddy,

 

You have had some very sound albeit conflicting (stay home / move out) advice thus far, I particularly feel "quiet storm" has hit the nail on the head though.

I was asked for 3 weeks "space" so the (now) ex could have "time to work their feelings out about the future of us" ( things had been rocky with little intimacy for about 7 months but nothing we should have been separating over! Or so I thought!)

I spent those three weeks very alone, giving her the space she needed, I spent my birthday alone bar a 30min visit with gifts from the ex..I even helped fill a skip to help clear out the loft..how pathetic looking back, I was clearing out my own junk ready for what was coming next! How stupid and niave!

I knew that the ex was spending a lot of time texting a person we both knew.. I didn't know she was having a full blown affair at this stage. There was distance too, but they still managed it! And my ex used her work breaks and people unwittingly covered for her aswell..wow!

After the "space" I did some digging when she was at work..I found the phone records & kept quiet, then demanded I return to my home, which was not appreciated.. Unbeknown to me, this "space" had just allowed her more freedom to text, meet up and invite the person she was having the affair with, to spend nights in our bed! And further their intimate connection unhindered.

My situation was impossible due to the fact her very unwell mother lived in a purpose built annexe at the property, so I was the one to "leave", the house was also in her name. "This will always be your home" rings in my ears still...

 

If you can stop panicking and also quickly get your head around the fact your wife has CURRENTLY emotionally "checked out" of your marriage, then you will know you cannot CURRENTLY force her to love you, force her to forget any perceived wrongdoings on your behalf, nor can anyone really fight the addiction of an affair, be it emotional, physical or otherwise, by being kind, accommodating, supportive! someone's doormat "oh how wonderful am I at loading the dishwasher, mowing the grass blah blah" no, sometimes women need to feel wanted! And wanted sexually as an object of a sexual nature..desired, thrilled, flattered, conversation of a new kind can turn a woman on, it depends on the person....the five languages of love quiz may be a useful tool for the future..

I wish I had listened to advice from certain people who simply said.. ULTIMATUM... Initiate divorce proceedings or try to recover with help... I saw my ex as a confused little girl, not the deceitful, bare faced lying mixed up woman she has always been. I put her on a pedestal and she simply is not the person I made her to be in my mind, for 12years I may add. And yes I still love her and always will.

 

As subtley and quietly as you can, start thinking about and DOING the following;- separating accounts, proof of ownership of joint property.. cars, everything you can think of that is precious, photos, including personal property, anything of major value that is joint, jewellery etc.. photograph it! Do all you can to safeguard yourself because WS become like aliens and do things you can only imagine in your worst nightmares when they really get into action..believe me when I say this...I was furious to find out I had paid for phone bills & hotels!!! Urgh..

 

Remember all this can be reversed at any stage.. You have TIME aswell, about two years is recommended before final divorce and so far the damage is minimal..but it can get very very very messy, so get organised now.

 

Be prepared if you separate and YOU LEAVE, to hear things about what your wife is doing in your absence to be highly upsetting, disagreeable..and it will feed back and if it doesn't, you will be tempted to find out I'm sure. She may go out for a meal with you or share a children's' event with you to keep you hooked into the "we are still a family unit thing" But those special nights.. Probably when you are babysitting / having access to your daughter or she knows you are away, She will be having a party with her "friend/s" whoever and wherever they may be.. I hope you are prepared for this, so keep yourself & your plans private, let her wonder where you are & what you are doing, stop being so reliable and predictable, it's attractive to be "dark" Sad thing, is she could do this whilst living under the same roof.. So if you don't leave, she will probably just not come home.. And therefore, you must decide what will send you more mad.. Living separate lives in the same home, or back to basics like dating in separate residence..personally, if you can do it, and you are adamant you do not want the marriage to end, don't be such a push over.. Make her go and have her "space/separation time" elsewhere, keep yourself and your children at the family home and give her a taste of the future.. Find the money, speak to work about the situation.. How bad do you want to save your marriage? How far are you prepared to go? How much will you sacrifice? Only you can say how much you can take..

 

I lasted 3 weeks after D-day, I couldn't deal with sudden separate rooms, secretive texting, her coming home late, worried sick all the time about where she was etc whilst caring for all in the family home... I rented a flat around the corner from my former home for 6 months..it should have been 12 on retrospect.. We almost made it to recovery but I moved "home" too soon.. It was torturous as she changed the locks and the affair partner was staying in my house, cooking in my kitchen, sleeping in my bed.. All this was completely incomprehensible, there was no way my ex was capable of such cruelty! OH YES.. They are nuts when they are high and it got a whole lot worse I can tell you!! All that within 3 weeks of discovering it wasn't just texts and phone calls.

 

I like to look back at things simply now.. If she wanted to be with you, she wouldn't want space or be without you... You don't want space for her or to be without her.. See, you are on different wavelengths & it seems to me, to save yourself further heartache and pain and emotional damage, you do need to find your self-esteem, do a 180 for YOURSELF, not to impress her! And go find yourself a single life existence for the time being.. Rome was not built in a day and if you are meant to be together you will be.. It is a damage limitation exercise for all concerned but especially, knowing how things can turn very bad very easily, your child/ children.

 

Be dignified, never if possible, lose your temper in front of your wife. Be strong, bold, in control at all times despite feeling like dying, be fully prepared for the worst possible outcome..set yourself up strong, confident and get some independent close friends/confidants & one family member you can rely on, on board to support you and you alone, tell them what is happening, what you know and if you love this woman truly, knuckle down for the ride of your life..

 

I hope this helps, I'm sorry it's a long post and I'm hoping I'm not in trouble with mods for mentioning my own experience here.. I am almost three years on & have lurked here since July 2011..

 

Tread gently, carefully, slowly, don't rush, don't panic, nothing is set in stone, much can be undone and revisited if the damage stakes are not too high.. The betrayal is nothing compared to the aftermath.. This part is CRUCIAL.. You can get divorced and remarried to the same person, you can buy another house blah blah.. But do not sell your soul ok x

 

Good luck Geddy x

[Striver]

Geddy,

 

I posted before and as I said, I'm in much the same situation. I was actually doing the 180 before I looked up to see what it was, just because I felt like it. I have followed my own instincts most of the time as to what to do when, what felt right.

 

In my own sit. WW has been more friendly and initiating more, because I never do unless it involves the kids. Also made me a pizza with the kids for dinner one day, which she really shouldn't be doing if she says we have no chance. On the other hand, she bought a fax/scanner machine presumably to work on divorce papers, and has gone somewhere unspecified "out of town" (yeah, I know) for the weekend. So a certain amount of ambiguity for me. I am doing IC over the phone, making some tentative plans for my future, working on myself as best I can.

 

Good luck on your journey.

[atreides]

Quiet Storm and inPieces have some great advise as well especially with the part on "ultimatums."

 

I think you said you were going to wait until you heard from a lawyer.... i hope things are going as best as can be expected.

 

Keep us updated... cheers

[Oberfeldwebel]

I believe there are some occasions where a break can do the relationship can be helpful, but should only be done in conjunction with therapy and for the purpose of healing the relationship. I agree with Owl, that in this situation she is clearly wanting to move you out to explore her new relationship and make you Plan B, just in case things don't work out with the new man.

[Geddy Lee]

Hey guys,

 

I agree, there has been some real thoughtful and generous advice. I've valued every word and read them over and over.

 

I've been contemplating still.

 

Sadly, everything has been starting to sink in the last few days. Obviously I have been in shock. It may be the 180 is working on my mindset. I'm beginning to understand what I really don't want to believe. That she really is over me. It's like someone could have beat me over the head and I wouldn't have believed them.

 

What makes my situation a little unique is that I went through this 8 months ago when she told me she was officially checked out, due to years of a dull marriage. As I said, I panicked and she said she would think about it.. So we ended up getting along fine and we seemed to be ok. Things were going better than before, not saying it was amazing or anything, but ok.

 

The reason I bring that up is that this just didn't come out of the blue. But in a way it did because right before this all hit the fan (13 days ago) I had told her i had a gut feeling and asked if we were ok, and if she was going to leave me for someone else. She said "don't be silly I'm not going anywhere" and she would say things like "love you" .. But not "I love you".

 

Then the instant I found out she was texting other guys she pretty much said that she was done with our relationship again. I even asked why she had been so nice to me the last 7 months and she said it was just to keep the peace. And I was told things haven't changed and she's not happy etc etc..

 

I add this because I acknowledge there may not be anything I can do at this point to change her mind. I've been playing it through in my head, what I want to say. I want to make her just tell me the truth. Tell me who she's seeing. Who she wants to see. But what if there really isn't someone else.. Maybe there's multiple others. I want to tell her again I'll change and do better and we need to work it out for the sake of our family ... I want to say that this is b.s. and she wouldn't be able to sustain her lifestyle and she won't have me to do all the things I do for the family on a daily basis, which is a lot, and I'll be out of her life and does she really want that, It's like she's lost her mind. I'm beginning to get the urge to stand up for myself. Certainly to bring up any questions about the marriage now would be against the rules of the 180. The way I'm looking at it the less I open my mouth right now the better. I am trying to prepare myself for the time when she wants to talk about it, I can communicate the things I want in the best way.

 

Right now we're in a stalemate. I don't know how long this time we'll be "keeping the peace". I know now not to have a sense of false hope. I'm not sure if I sit here and wait it out.. And wait for her to bring up anything about our future.

 

As well as we get along, friendly and all, it makes no sense that she would want to kick me out. It just goes to show you that you can't trust anyone.

 

I intend on getting my ducks in a row as far as speaking with a lawyer . She lived in the house for two years and when we married I moved in with her, but my name only is on the deed, since we refinanced. Both cars are paid for, and just cell phone bills and utilities and such. For the life of me, I can't imagine why she would be so headstrong and do this to herself?? She hasn't had to work full time since we got married. I know some will say she has OM to take care of her but there's just nothing to make me believe that's going to happen, but of course crazier things have happened. The reason is she hasn't really been in a rush to get me out or anything. This has been a slow slow process.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you can't spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells. You can't make someone love you and just hanging around waiting for scraps to be thrown your way is a complete waste of time. The sooner you detach and remove yourself from this situation the sooner you can move on with your life. You deserve happiness, being alone is better than what you have now. We have all been where you are now, it gets better with time and the sooner your out of her reach the sooner you will be to meeting someone that really loves you. You have to start like everyone else, one foot in front of the other but you do have to start.

[dreamingoftigers]

The reason I bring that up is that this just didn't come out of the blue. But in a way it did because right before this all hit the fan (13 days ago) I had told her i had a gut feeling and asked if we were ok, and if she was going to leave me for someone else. She said "don't be silly I'm not going anywhere" and she would say things like "love you" .. But not "I love you".

 

Ugh, I've been through this, it's awful. Sorry man.

[fellini]

So now the community that was telling you to dig in your heals is telling you to get down to your lawyer. Great.

 

You haven't said anything new in your last post that wasn't already pretty much clear in your first. Your wife checked out over half a year ago. That is a long time. And that's WHEN SHE NOTIFIED YOU. She probably checked out LONG BEFORE THAT.

 

Not even sure this thread belongs in infidelity, because we only have information that after informing you that the marriage was emotionally over, she began to text a variety of supposed "admirers", none of which were within even driving distance of getting laid. So maybe an EA, maybe just searching, reaching out for emotions that are not being provided at home.

 

Surely you really know what is going on here. But your entire discourse is about YOU, and your fear of losing everything.

 

You are emotionally all over the map here, but the one thing you have refused to believe are the truths she has handed you and maintained over all these months: It's over. Living like roommates is not a marriage, nor is it a sign that things can change. The next step is not she will wake up, it's that she will simply tell you to get out. There is no point in your trying to second guess this by thinking about her finances and saying it's all smoke and mirrors.

 

If you truly believe that your marriage is not over (as opposed to don't want to believe - which is not the same thing) then you must know something SHE DOES NOT. After years of living together she hasn't come to understand something you say you know to be true: that there is still a chance. Then do the structured separation. WHAT HAVE YOU LEFT?

 

If she agrees to it, and follows it, great. One last chance.

If she agrees to it, and doesn't follow it. Too bad. She meant it 7 months ago.

 

She might even be in a fog and use that time to explore her "unmet needs".

That is her right is it not?

 

You see, here in INFIDELITY LS, all the BS's rant on their WS's for not having the balls to END their marriage before screwing around on them.

 

Now they are telling you to dig your heals in FORCING HER to cheat on you. It doesn't make sense. If that is what she wants, and she is asking you to leave so she can get it. THEN LEAVE.

 

But if there is still a chance that this is just affair fog, or some minor version of it (she thinks there is a future out there, and wants you out to find it) then let her have it. It's her life, and her decision and she wants to OWN IT.

 

Now people in here are basically telling you to not let her OWN her OWN decision. This is pretty f-ed up it seems to me.

 

Maybe this entire thread belonged in "Separation and Divorce" and not in infidelity! Maybe you are going to get one kind of advice posting your story here where your audience are mostly betrayed spouses and not people who have handled separation in an amicable way.

 

Does it make your position any more clearer to frame your wife's desire to separate as nothing more than a case of Infidelity? How does that change her stated desire to want to separate? I can't count the number of times I told my WS that she should have told me that she wanted to separate before having a LTR with a co-worker. Here we have a S doing just that, and look at the kind of advice you are getting.

 

Good luck with all of this man.

Edited August 3, 2014 by fellini

[Geddy Lee]

Yes, I meant to post this in Separation and Divorce but accidentally posted in Breakups... I asked for it to be moved to Separation and Divorce but it was moved to Infidelity.

 

It's fine though, and you are right we are adults so we all have the right to own our choices. And she's been clear about her choice. And I do think there is a chance she'll change her mind once she realized what she's done but like you said, living like roommates is what she DID NOT like about our relationship.

 

I have been all over the map. I have never been so lost in my life. I am glad I can get all my thoughts and fears out there and get all the feedback.

 

Would it be OK if I post in Separation and Divorce once I figure out what to do.

[fellini]

Yes, I meant to post this in Separation and Divorce but accidentally posted in Breakups... I asked for it to be moved to Separation and Divorce but it was moved to Infidelity.

 

It's fine though, and you are right we are adults so we all have the right to own our choices. And she's been clear about her choice. And I do think there is a chance she'll change her mind once she realized what she's done but like you said, living like roommates is what she DID NOT like about our relationship.

 

I have been all over the map. I have never been so lost in my life. I am glad I can get all my thoughts and fears out there and get all the feedback.

 

Would it be OK if I post in Separation and Divorce once I figure out what to do.

 

Of course you are all over the map! Your SO dropped a bombshell on your life. It's not about fault, it's about what to do about it. If you want to focus your posts on dealing with the separation, then yes, you will probably get more and better advice about this process opening a new thread in that forum.

 

If you want to further explore your wife as a cheat, then this is the place to be. Divorce, separation, infidelity, living a loveless marriage: IT ALL SUCKS. As I said way back, and others have said in other posts, you need to work on you, and you need to get over your fear of losing your SO. This is just as important whether or not the two of you are going to stick it out, separate for a time, separate forever.

 

You need to know that both of you are in it because you WANT to be, not because you are afraid NOT to be.

 

You must be strong and not see yourself as a victim. You know you cannot make her change her mind, and every attempt to do so will only push her further away.

 

Life has handed you a raw deal, but I really hope you find your way GL.

[atreides]

Fellini is actually absolutely correct on this... what do you want?

 

my posts are about getting the answer you need for R sooner, not through separation or 3 months or 2 weeks... but to work on it now or move on. I have always maintained that stance. Most of all my point has always been about you being in control which makes ready for reconciling and divorce so that you can get what you want out of it.

 

Now if you change your mind and it is about moving on/separation/ss, then it is about that. None of us can live the life for you but you have been all over the place.

 

Your wife is cheating on you, thus you post as such as to ask "why" now. You caught her, so she is using the past against you this time around. Essentially that is her excuse to cover for her cheating.

 

However none of that matters if this is not what you want.

 

As Fellini said, it's all about what you "want to do about it"

 

If you want to reconcile with a cheating spouse, then you already have my advise which is contrary to Fellini's structured separation but if this is not about that... than you do need to post outside of infidelity.

 

After all the title of your thread "wife wants me to leave" my entire argument has been based on that with the fact she is cheating... that is why i argued against fellini that she "initiated it" it's in the dang title of this thread.

 

I will conclude with a great quote from Fellini

 

You need to know that both of you are in it because you WANT to be, not because you are afraid NOT to be.

 

best of luck Geddy.

Edited August 3, 2014 by atreides

[atreides]

Hey Geddy, just checking in and hoping things are as good as can be. Keep us updated.

[Geddy Lee]

Hey,

Thanks for asking & caring about us..

 

Here's the interesting update.

 

My wife and I had to talk together about finances the other day. I asked her one last time if she was sure she was done in our relationship. We also talked about our child. At that point my wife had not had any changes in her feelings.

 

I exhausted every ounce of reasoning and felt that we just couldn't go on like this, living together in the same house with seemingly no chance whatsoever for reconciliation. The atmosphere in the home was miserable. I am not worried about losing my house, or child custody.. I just needed to get out. Two days ago I committed to moving to a place on my own. It was too hard to pass up because of its proximity and I'd be sharing a home , the upstairs with a very nice game room, private bedroom and bathroom. I did not want to have to live in a dump or somewhere unsafe and I thought this place was very nice for my daughter to come visit.

 

So I packed most of my clothes up in boxes and told my W I would be able to move in to the new place Wednesday... Later I went to bed (on the couch) and after a few minutes, the wife came crying and sobbing and layed with me on couch. She then asked me to come to bed where I held her. She cried that she couldn't believe that it's gotten so bad. I told her again that I understood and offered we try to fix our relationship, but she said she didn't know if she could. She said she felt so bad and in pain over everything.

 

Yesterday when I was getting ready to sleep on the couch she told me I could come to bed if I wanted. I layed at end of the bed and we touched some then once she fell asleep I slept on couch. This morning we had a very close moment on the couch, with intimacy and cuddling, no sex, but very nice.

 

Today she texted me and said she wanted to hang out at home, eat dinner and practice for her job interview. I replied, texted, that I could use the practice with communicating anyway, and she said that she could too and that maybe she should do better at telling me what she wants instead of expecting me to know..

 

During the evening she asked me about a councilor I am seeing for myself. She asked if I liked him and did she think he would be good for us. I didn't really reply about us but just said that he was helpful to me. The mood is so different.

 

I'm beginning to get scared of what's going on now. She is acting like she wants to work things out and I don't know what to do or if I should believe this . I really want things to work out but is there any way I can mess this up? I know I can't come back so easy now. It's the fact that I let it go and am getting ready to leave and that's made her wake up I think. Or there was a miracle. Or some will say she's keeping me on the back burner. But is this straight out of the book? Was this predictable?

 

I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

 

My marriage was like bringing dead to life but now there seems to be hope. Am I crazy? I never saw this coming.

[fellini]

Hey,

I really want things to work out but is there any way I can mess this up? I know I can't come back so easy now. It's the fact that I let it go and am getting ready to leave and that's made her wake up I think. Or there was a miracle. Or some will say she's keeping me on the back burner. But is this straight out of the book? Was this predictable?

 

I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

 

My marriage was like bringing dead to life but now there seems to be hope. Am I crazy? I never saw this coming.

 

Straight out of Langley. Volume II, The section where she recounts the story of the remarried man who understood how to respond to his new wife wanting to be in two relationships. Read very carefully again pages 94-98 on the very clear steps of getting out of limbo and ESPECIALLY page 103-104 on commitment, this is what you have been going through.

 

In a nutshell, yes, your wife is beginning to respond because for the first time in a long time she is seeing you are responding.

 

It was not your words, it was your actions. It was not about excercising your rights as a spouse, it was about putting into practice your rights as an independent human being with feelings and limits and the strength to do the right thing for yourself.

 

For the first time she was actually able to see you walking out the door, not just talking about it.

 

I wish you continued success. Stay on track. You were not leaving her, supposedly, as a form of reverse psychology: you were leaving her because it was the right thing to do at the time for yourself because you were not getting anywhere with her at home. Im not saying dont leave, Im not saying stay. Continue to do what you need to do to ensure she begins to live, as Langley says, in the moment, and not in FEAR.

 

Hang in there GL.

[atreides]

Outstanding Geddy, being in limbo never really solves a thing. .. stay firm. there looks to be a glimmer of light.

 

Please keep us updated

Edited August 9, 2014 by atreides

[No Limit]

Don't fall for this stuff. Stay firm, otherwise she'll keep you 'on the hook' and use you as emotional doormat.

 

Don't you see? You were about to leave, for real, and that prodded what little is left of her old self within her. If you fall back into the old routine she'll just continue like this.

 

If you really want her back, then she must make a final decision between you and OM. This is her decision now, and the more you fall back the less of a chance you have.

[Owl]

Don't fall for this stuff. Stay firm, otherwise she'll keep you 'on the hook' and use you as emotional doormat.

 

Don't you see? You were about to leave, for real, and that prodded what little is left of her old self within her. If you fall back into the old routine she'll just continue like this.

 

If you really want her back, then she must make a final decision between you and OM. This is her decision now, and the more you fall back the less of a chance you have.

 

Agreed.

 

SHe isn't "beginning to respond because for the first time in a long time she is seeing you are responding".

 

She's responding because she's seeing that her actions are about to have long term repercussions that she wasn't mentally/emotionally prepared to accept.

 

She's responding because she realizes that she's about to lose you if she doesn't change her ways...and she never gave true consideration to actually losing you up to this point.

 

I would agree...if you want to, you can use this as a base to CAUTIOUSLY consider what reconciliation might entail...but do NOT jump back into things hook/line/sinker. INSIST on the things you NEED in order to consider reconciliation. If she balks/refuses, don't hesitate, but continue on with your current plan.

[Geddy Lee]

Well friends,

Tomorrow I move to my new place. After countless hours of decision making and going over in my head a thousand times what would be the best thing to do, my wife and I have decided to separate and work on our marriage.

 

I read and re-read many thoughtful words of advice and encouragement. Over the last few days she and I have talked more than the passed several years it seems. We've held hands and smiled at each other. The last thing I want to do is leave and almost every piece of advice says don't ever leave. I believe that for me to stay, after years of lacking a close and intimate relationship and a roommates- like environment, would keep us in the rut and eventually lead to no hope, which is where we were a few weeks ago.

 

Now for some reason, I feel a sense of relief and hopefulness. We agreed we would ask a lot of questions. We agreed that we wouldn't date anyone else. We agreed to go out for a date once in a while , or that I could bring gifts, or cook dinner once a week.. or anything at all to possibly make us remember why we loved each other so much 12 years ago when we met and 8 years ago when we wed. She is considering marriage counseling (this was not prompted by me) but she's not committed to that, and I'm not pushing it, as we went twice before and right now I'm doing independent counciling.

 

I have no idea what will happen but I believe every couple is unique and there are many who have walked through this and came out of it happy and victorious, or hurt and betrayed, but I'm going to do the best I can to make myself strong and treat her in a loving way and be someone she loved enough at one time to marry.

 

I see this as a very hard thing to do, and maybe near impossible. I can only do what we both think may have a chance.

 

I will be posting up in the separation forum soon to talk about any success stories and any insight or advice on what to expect when spouses separate with hopes that they can spark some feelings again for one another.

 

Please come see me over there in the next few days and I would greatly appreciate any help on this, my next adventure in life.

[Owl]

It sounds like you have a plan, and are following your plan.

 

I won't fault you for that.

 

My only recommendation is to consider strongly what you will require from her going forward in order to successfully reconcile your marriage.

 

1. NC with OM going forward, permanently.

2. Marriage counseling.

3. Accountability in order to rebuild trust.

 

Don't be afraid to insist on what you need, and don't be afraid to stand your ground if she becomes unwilling.

 

Good luck, my friend!