How to demonstrate I have changed (Updated)

[BC1980]

The bolded is a terrible reason to go No Contact and it reeks of manipulation. You go No Contact to protect yourself, to get yourself back, and to move forward in your life. No Contact has nothing to do with getting her back. If that's your motivation for doing it, it is going to be a much more painful process than it already is.

 

You really are asking for pain if you do it with the intention to get her back. I had the same ulterior motives when I initially went NC and ended up breaking it and making little progress.

[tobe1424]

I get it. i just said that because i think its the only thing that might change things from her perspective. Not because its what I think it will happen or I hope it will happen..

 

As you all said, this is strictly for me and my own good and no one else.

 

As far as know, the fact that I have not heard from her in 4 days now is a sign that she still thinks i am here waiting for her is possibly the reason why she hasn't contacted me...anyhow, its not even about this at this point.

 

It's about what is it that I can do to not think about her. I am trying almost everything but she is still in my thoughts. It seems like certain things i try are only temporary solutions.

[BC1980]

I get it. i just said that because i think its the only thing that might change things from her perspective. Not because its what I think it will happen or I hope it will happen..

 

As you all said, this is strictly for me and my own good and no one else.

 

As far as know, the fact that I have not heard from her in 4 days now is a sign that she still thinks i am here waiting for her is possibly the reason why she hasn't contacted me...anyhow, its not even about this at this point.

 

It's about what is it that I can do to not think about her. I am trying almost everything but she is still in my thoughts. It seems like certain things i try are only temporary solutions.

 

You can't stop thinking about your ex. It's going to happen. Once you've been in NC for long enough, the person isn't as relevant, so you don't think about him/her so much. In the beginning, it's pretty darn hard because you tend to obsess over everything. I wouldn't necessarily push the feelings away. I would acknowledge exactly WHAT you are feeling with regards to her. It's not shameful to feel sad, lonely, angry, ect. It's normal.

[tobe1424]

i see..i have to feel it to heal it.

 

I know you guys already elaborated on why she isn't straight forward..

 

But excuse my words as I am using this as my journal..

 

Why can she simply tell me, hey I found someone else who I like and would like to see where things are going with him. Instead she tells me that she doesn't know where its going, "we should date other people to see" if we still truly love one another. Which is totally arbitrary. But perhaps this is her way of shinning the turd for me as you guys said, she has some guilt.

 

Im sure she has to be confused to some degree..but nothing new you guys haven't told me. she is not with me and I should focus on moving on. kapeesh.

[BC1980]

i see..i have to feel it to heal it.

 

I know you guys already elaborated on why she isn't straight forward..

 

But excuse my words as I am using this as my journal..

 

Why can she simply tell me, hey I found someone else who I like and would like to see where things are going with him. Instead she tells me that she doesn't know where its going, "we should date other people to see" if we still truly love one another. Which is totally arbitrary. But perhaps this is her way of shinning the turd for me as you guys said, she has some guilt.

 

Im sure she has to be confused to some degree..but nothing new you guys haven't told me. she is not with me and I should focus on moving on. kapeesh.

 

I think she's hedging her bets. I'm not saying it's malicious or completely conscious either, but that's what's happening. One thing that is really important to focus on is that her motives don't matter. Knowing her motives does nothing to help you in any way. You need to look at what's best for you at this point, and moving on with NC would be best for you.

 

It's okay and normal to question. Everyone goes through it because it's human nature to want a black and white answer, but we don't always get it. When I would constantly question things, I would tell myself that I had been down this road before. I had thought about this issue already, and I needed to move on from it.

[Simon Phoenix]

i see..i have to feel it to heal it.

 

I know you guys already elaborated on why she isn't straight forward..

 

But excuse my words as I am using this as my journal..

 

Why can she simply tell me, hey I found someone else who I like and would like to see where things are going with him. Instead she tells me that she doesn't know where its going, "we should date other people to see" if we still truly love one another. Which is totally arbitrary. But perhaps this is her way of shinning the turd for me as you guys said, she has some guilt.

 

Im sure she has to be confused to some degree..but nothing new you guys haven't told me. she is not with me and I should focus on moving on. kapeesh.

 

Because she doesn't have to. It's not her job to set you free. If you are willing to sit there and wait and be an option, she'll take advantage. It's up to you show the strength to truly leave her on her own. She'll use your support if you're around to offer it.

[tobe1424]

Thanks for clarifying simon.

 

Since Monday. I haven't heard back from her. She texted me tuesday morning, she said "have a nice day at work". I replied you too.

 

That was it...as you warned me, this feels so awkward. But hey, its what I chose to do right...as you guys warned me.

 

lastly, should i establish and ultimatum with her or should I simply continue NC? Reason I ask is because its just plain weird that I haven't heard from her - but I guess you all saw this coming.

 

So again, should i reach out to her with an ultimatum I can live by. Or should I continue the NC route?

 

I would guess you guys would say NC...

 

thx again for all this support. You have helped me sleep better at night.

[BC1980]

Thanks for clarifying simon.

 

Since Monday. I haven't heard back from her. She texted me tuesday morning, she said "have a nice day at work". I replied you too.

 

That was it...as you warned me, this feels so awkward. But hey, its what I chose to do right...as you guys warned me.

 

lastly, should i establish and ultimatum with her or should I simply continue NC? Reason I ask is because its just plain weird that I haven't heard from her - but I guess you all saw this coming.

 

So again, should i reach out to her with an ultimatum I can live by. Or should I continue the NC route?

 

I would guess you guys would say NC...

 

thx again for all this support. You have helped me sleep better at night.

 

I personally don't believe in giving people ultimatums. One, they don't work because people don't like to feel pushed into a corner by someone else. They will typically react against that. Two, if you are at the point that you feel you need to give an ultimatum, you are at a weak point. You have lost the power in the relationship. What ultimatum would you give her? You will never speak to her again if she doesn't choose you?

 

Going NC is a much easier, drama free way to make you exit. The first time I tried NC, I told my ex, and he agreed not to contact me. Then, I broke NC, and we had some texting back and forth. The second time I went NC, I just never texted back. It's been 7 months, and I heard from him once (in a passive aggressive way, He mailed some stuff to my parents' house). It's been nice actually because I just sort of dropped off the face of the earth, and I don't have to worry about him anymore. No drama. No last curtain call.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for clarifying simon.

 

Since Monday. I haven't heard back from her. She texted me tuesday morning, she said "have a nice day at work". I replied you too.

 

That was it...as you warned me, this feels so awkward. But hey, its what I chose to do right...as you guys warned me.

 

lastly, should i establish and ultimatum with her or should I simply continue NC? Reason I ask is because its just plain weird that I haven't heard from her - but I guess you all saw this coming.

 

So again, should i reach out to her with an ultimatum I can live by. Or should I continue the NC route?

 

I would guess you guys would say NC...

 

thx again for all this support. You have helped me sleep better at night.

 

Ultimatums are bad. They reek of panic and clingyness and people don't respond well to them. No Contact is the way.

[tobe1424]

well noted..

 

Will remain in NC.

[Zapbasket]

 

I have to stick with my guns and go nc for myself, not any one else or hopes of any chance at her.

 

It's the only change that might make her think twice.

 

Careful--see how you contradict yourself here? Drill into your mind that nothing you do at this point is going to make her think twice.

 

First of all, I can assure that one month out, whatever "changes" you think you have made are surface only and more a response to your desperation at losing her than to any genuine deep epiphany. I have full confidence you can change if you have the will for it, but true, lasting change of what most likely are deeply ingrained behaviors is only going to come about after MANY months of introspection, preferably facilitated by a professional, and a lot of fits and starts as your system adjusts to the new patterns. I'm speaking from experience here: I'm in the midst of this process and I've been at it for months.

 

You're getting really good advice in your thread. If you want to, write her one last email or letter and tell her that you intend to really focus on YOU and improving yourself, that you realize many things you did wrong in the relationship, and that you still care for her very much but since a full reconciliation is not in the picture at this time, you need to put the focus on you and move forward.

 

And then go full NC. No matter what, you will move forward in your life, especially if you commit to improving yourself and growing. She may or may not reach out to you again, or want to reconcile, but honestly the ONLY thing that will make her want a reconciliation is her own path forward and what she comes to realize about herself, life, love, etc. If this journey leads her thoughts back to you, then having written her that [brief] letter/email might make her think there could be a chance, given you said you were committed to improving yourself. But you can't wait for it, or believe there is anything you can do or say or make happen that will cause the outcome you desire. You might even discover with time that in fact you don't want her anymore.

 

DON'T dally around with girls and post pics on Facebook. That only makes you look like a douche, more bent on proving a point than getting off your a*s and making some changes. There is NOTHING, by the way, that you can post on social media that says, "I have changed." It's something only you will know because you will FEEL different, and it will draw different energy to you.

[Simon Phoenix]

You're getting really good advice in your thread. If you want to, write her one last email or letter and tell her that you intend to really focus on YOU and improving yourself, that you realize many things you did wrong in the relationship, and that you still care for her very much but since a full reconciliation is not in the picture at this time, you need to put the focus on you and move forward.

 

I'm going to completely 100 percent disagree with the letter. I mean, if you want to write it for yourself, do it, but don't send it to her. It just makes these "changes" seem like a ploy to get her back. Sending letters to exes is a bad, bad, bad idea 99.9 percent of the time. You're better off fading to black and moving forward and evolving. Then if she ever does come sniffing around, whatever changes she sees are going to seem a lot more authentic and genuine.

 

Sorry, I know you mean well, but letters = bad idea jeans.

[tobe1424]

No letters indeed. I already wrote plenty of them..

 

I'm still in the stage of "ahh why hasn't she called me after all the nice things she shared with me this weekend"

 

One obvious reason, the other guy. Which I shouldn't let this bother me but it just does...I doubt she is home just "confused" she is moving forward..

 

But I can't stop thinking about her even though I am out an about and mingling with girls..

[Simon Phoenix]

No letters indeed. I already wrote plenty of them..

 

I'm still in the stage of "ahh why hasn't she called me after all the nice things she shared with me this weekend"

 

One obvious reason, the other guy. Which I shouldn't let this bother me but it just does...I doubt she is home just "confused" she is moving forward..

 

But I can't stop thinking about her even though I am out an about and mingling with girls..

 

I'd chill on the whole "mingling with girls" thing for the time being. You need to deal with your pain first. You are trying to mask the pain with other women, which feels nice and first, but afterward once that mask is gone, the pain is still there and has grown stronger. I tried the whole "hook up to replace her" thing with the ex that brought me here and, if anything, it retarded my progress.

 

You need to embrace the mourning and pain. You've tried so hard to avoid it, either through interacting with her or other women, and you are just prolonging the process.

[BC1980]

I'd chill on the whole "mingling with girls" thing for the time being. You need to deal with your pain first. You are trying to mask the pain with other women, which feels nice and first, but afterward once that mask is gone, the pain is still there and has grown stronger. I tried the whole "hook up to replace her" thing with the ex that brought me here and, if anything, it retarded my progress.

 

You need to embrace the mourning and pain. You've tried so hard to avoid it, either through interacting with her or other women, and you are just prolonging the process.

 

I agree. My first insinct was to go out there and date again. I started talking to a guy for about a month, and, when he asked me out, I freaked out and disappeared on him. I was just trying to mask the pain by replacing my ex. It ended up taking me 8 months to feel comfortable going on a date again, and, though it didn't go anywhere, it let me know that I could get out there again.

[tobe1424]

The story of my life. So a week goes by and she calls me (Sunday)

Hi how’s it going she asks…that type of convo. We exchanged a few words. I acted like everything is just fine. .

 

 

She then says, oh my tv fell of the wall bracket, do you know how to fix that? I had to say yes since I was the one who original put it up. There has been a lot of construction and the building has been shaking due to it. So my assumption is that it weakened the drywall and the mount fell..anyhow..

It’s been a week and a day since our infamous vacation and she asked me for this favor. I played it cool and said…well, let’s make this a dinner movie date at your place. I’ll go over with a bottle of wine.

 

 

 

Then…the ultimate low blow..I know guys you have told me a million times to follow the advice…

 

 

Her response was. Ok that’s fine, but you can’t stay over because I am seeing someone..why wouldn’t she call her “boyfriend” to help her out with the tv?

 

 

I replied, well I have someone that is head over heels with me but I wouldn’t through that into the mix.

 

 

Ironically, I do have someone head over heels with me, but I don’t want to lead anyone on at this time so we are just keeping a long distance phone relationship where we talk to one another or skype.

 

 

 

So after I said I had someone interested in me, she immediately started to interrogate me and ask me to send her pictures of the girl. She then sent me pictures of her dressed provocative (showing lots of skin) and said “because that girl doesn’t have sh*t on me”…she then called back and said don’t ever call me again, acting very jealous and showing anger. Not to mention, she then opts to have phone sex at night.

 

 

Something is not right here. I know she has a couple of lose marbles. But this questions whatever it is she has going on with the other guy. After talking for a few more minutes and expressing that the only reason I would go help out with the tv is because this is about us..not just her and to expect for me to make a move. . I know this is still what you guys advised against. .but this is the love of my life and I am willing to take a hit. I emphasized on how she is acting immature and that she was the one who rode out of my life and did not wait around to see me work on myself. How if we were to get back together and have another problem, this is what is going to happen again? She know that I have been seeing therapist and counselors and working on myself..yet it feels like it has to be her way? That’s what I told her.

 

 

 

 

She then opened up a little about this other guy and said that they like each other and they like to do the same things (nothing different since we both like doing the same things either way so that was a lame excuse) and that timing was what caused us to get here and this guy just came out of nowhere..

 

 

I know attraction is not a choice and she now likes some other guy. I asked her, if it were to come down to between me and him who would it be..she said, you obviously you because of our history.

 

 

 

But that she doesn’t know where this is going and she is just having fun. I know this is the result of my getting to comfortable and not courting her as I should. But she also has to deep down inside care for me and know that if I am a guy that is will to take the approach of working on himself for the sake of a relationship and to become a better version of himself, how in the world can that not touch her in a way to come back? She said she thinks about us every day and where we stand and what is going to happen, yet she is “having fun” with this other guy.

 

 

 

why is she contradicting herself or been so selfish IMO?

[leavesonautumn]

You're allowing yourself to be played. Delete her phone number and stop talking to her! She's nothing but games and heartache. Block her number. Anything.

 

She is allowed to like someone else but someone else likes YOU who you aren't reciprocating with and somehow she has the right to be jealous and angry?

 

No. She's upset that there is a potential "threat" that you are going to fall out of love with her and she wants you around for security and safety! If things were really that great with her new guy then she'd be getting that from him.

 

Don't go over. Don't fix her tv. Don't be her emotional punching bag. You don't owe her anything.

 

"I know this is the result of my getting to comfortable and not courting her as I should."

 

Sorry but WHY should you be courting her or even feel like it's something she deserves?

 

I might sound harsh but you need a wake up call. You should take the time to continue getting therapy as a way to understand why you are not able to let this person go and move on.

[tobe1424]

I appreciate your 2 cents. And the harsher the better. You guys are the ones that continue to wake me up..

[tobe1424]

I just wish i understood why if she cares so much and loves me..why she wants to "have fun" with this new guy she likes and not give me another chance?

 

She even says that if she sees me with another woman she will go crazy.

 

So she is trying to have her cake and eat it to..

 

 

Is it that the new guy is literally a rebound relationship? or that she has more confident in him to get what she wants out of life? Or is she literally as you guys said, just playing games?

 

thx for tunning in to my journal ::sigh:

[Simon Phoenix]

Jesus christ dude, block the number.

[leavesonautumn]

I just wish i understood why if she cares so much and loves me..why she wants to "have fun" with this new guy she likes and not give me another chance?

 

She even says that if she sees me with another woman she will go crazy.

 

So she is trying to have her cake and eat it to..

 

 

Is it that the new guy is literally a rebound relationship? or that she has more confident in him to get what she wants out of life? Or is she literally as you guys said, just playing games?

 

thx for tunning in to my journal ::sigh:

 

 

Trust me, I know what it's like to question everything but really? You will NEVER get the answers. Even if you did, they wouldn't be the right answers.

 

I stayed with a guy for 4 1/2 years waiting to see if I was the one he wanted to be with. I was dumped and got back together with him 9 times. 5 years of my life essentially wasted. My early 20s down the drain for a guy who didn't know what he wanted and basically left me to be with his mom.

 

You have a great opportunity to get her out of your life and move on and I promise you it will get better and you will look back at these posts and be like WTF was I thinking?

[tobe1424]

so i delete her number..

 

a day later she text me to see if i am going to put up her tv...i said no I am seeing someone is not a good idea..in a way mocking what she had told me..

 

so she goes insane and starts relentlessly texting me to send her a pic of the girl (again)

 

Honestly, why the hell would she want to see a picture of a girl I am trying to get over her with? Weather she is or isn't better looking than her(my ex)

 

Are you starting to sense a crazy person mind here that I am not seeing?

[Simon Phoenix]

so i delete her number..

 

a day later she text me to see if i am going to put up her tv...i said no I am seeing someone is not a good idea..in a way mocking what she had told me..

 

so she goes insane and starts relentlessly texting me to send her a pic of the girl (again)

 

Honestly, why the hell would she want to see a picture of a girl I am trying to get over her with? Weather she is or isn't better looking than her(my ex)

 

Are you starting to sense a crazy person mind here that I am not seeing?

 

Dude, STOP TALKING TO HER! You are feeding the drama with your responses. It doesn't matter why she wants to see the pictures of this girl, why are you continuing to tell her about her? Just ignore. And don't just delete the number, BLOCK the number.

 

Yes, your ex is a bit off probably. But you are fanning the flames, which makes you just as bad. Just stop responding and block her number.

[BC1980]

so i delete her number..

 

a day later she text me to see if i am going to put up her tv...i said no I am seeing someone is not a good idea..in a way mocking what she had told me..

 

so she goes insane and starts relentlessly texting me to send her a pic of the girl (again)

 

Honestly, why the hell would she want to see a picture of a girl I am trying to get over her with? Weather she is or isn't better looking than her(my ex)

 

Are you starting to sense a crazy person mind here that I am not seeing?

 

You both get high on the drama and feed off of each other.

[Humphrey 101]

Don't tell her show her!