How to demonstrate I have changed (Updated)

[tobe1424]

what is so confusing is that for some reason she can't just tell me..listen dude...i like this new guy, i like where things are going please leave me alone..

 

which is why i have insisted on giving up and now we are going on a vacation..

 

instead she has told me that she doesn't know where things are going with that guy but that she is just having "fun" and she knows she is not going to get what she wants out of him..but she still likes the guy and feels a bit guilty...when she said that, i acted cool and said, well your coming with me so stop feeling guilty, im going to show u a good time and how to get over that guilt -and she laughed.

 

This weekend I am going to show her fun..she told me a few days ago that she misses having sex with me and it is her favorite thing..so this tells me the new guy isn't doing that great of a job in that department.

[tobe1424]

From your sentences I can see how large your expectations actually are.

 

This is a trainwreck I believe everyone sees coming, but now you can't back off

and you will 99% certainly not respond in kind to anything she throws at you.

 

Probably people see me very bitter but I think chances of things going awry are much higher than your expectations.

 

The best thing I'd go for if your budget can take it - book her another room. Call her and tell her that. If she asks why, you say you want to prevent any awkwardness that could ruin your vacation.

 

Your mindset looks like 'her her her her' whereas it should be 'me me me me'.

 

 

i know i know..i should start being a little more about 'me'...but depending on how this weekend goes..it will be able to move forward because I know that she will see a better version of me..and if that doesn't touch her in anyway, then I've giving it all i got

[Simon Phoenix]

what is so confusing is that for some reason she can't just tell me..listen dude...i like this new guy, i like where things are going please leave me alone..

 

which is why i have insisted on giving up and now we are going on a vacation..

 

instead she has told me that she doesn't know where things are going with that guy but that she is just having "fun" and she knows she is not going to get what she wants out of him..but she still likes the guy and feels a bit guilty...when she said that, i acted cool and said, well your coming with me so stop feeling guilty, im going to show u a good time and how to get over that guilt -and she laughed.

 

This weekend I am going to show her fun..she told me a few days ago that she misses having sex with me and it is her favorite thing..so this tells me the new guy isn't doing that great of a job in that department.

 

Why should she let you free? I mean, you don't have the stones to actually venture off on your own without her, so of course she's going to keep you on the backburner and get what she desires out of you while evaluating her options. I mean, you are allowing her to have her cake and eat it too, why wouldn't she take advantage of that? I sure as hell would if I was in her position -- you are making this situation extremely easy for her while making it torture for yourself.

 

This weekend trip is a really dumb idea. Your expectations for it are through the roof and you think it's as easy as "I'll just turn on my swag and she'll fall right for it". That's a common dumpee delusion -- I know I had it when I had a weekend with my ex shortly after our break. Odds are that it's not going to result in anything conclusive, or anything long-term positive for you. Sure, you might get some intimate moments out of familiarity, but you have much higher expectations. If anything, this will allow her to get one last moment in before cutting the cord completely or it will allow her to continue to keep you in limbo.

 

I just think this is a horrible idea. You're gung-ho in going for it though, so I wish you the best and hope I'm wrong. But yeah, this is not a good approach in the least.

[tobe1424]

Why should she let you free? I mean, you don't have the stones to actually venture off on your own without her, so of course she's going to keep you on the backburner and get what she desires out of you while evaluating her options. I mean, you are allowing her to have her cake and eat it too, why wouldn't she take advantage of that? I sure as hell would if I was in her position -- you are making this situation extremely easy for her while making it torture for yourself.

 

This weekend trip is a really dumb idea. Your expectations for it are through the roof and you think it's as easy as "I'll just turn on my swag and she'll fall right for it". That's a common dumpee delusion -- I know I had it when I had a weekend with my ex shortly after our break. Odds are that it's not going to result in anything conclusive, or anything long-term positive for you. Sure, you might get some intimate moments out of familiarity, but you have much higher expectations. If anything, this will allow her to get one last moment in before cutting the cord completely or it will allow her to continue to keep you in limbo.

 

I just think this is a horrible idea. You're gung-ho in going for it though, so I wish you the best and hope I'm wrong. But yeah, this is not a good approach in the least.

 

 

thanks again for the input...you have no idea how much i appreciate...I also think this is a horrible idea for me...and make she feel great to have all these options..but as everything in life..all good things come to an end...so since we have been in the rough for a couple of months...at least she will have one good last memory..

 

maybe this last memory is bad idea...but when u hit rock bottom..there is only one way up i suppose.

 

in any case, i am setting myself up. You are totally right about this. But in my heart, I need to do this last thing and if she comes back to town and decides that "Pancho" is the man for her..let it be..I know that i have 5 years in and she knows that I am not a dumb guy and can pick up almost any girl i would like to.

 

If this all back fires, I guess the only other thing to do is to make her jealous by finding another girl..because in her heart she will know that im only doing that to get over her and it will bother her..

 

she's pretty crazy in that sense.

[Simon Phoenix]

thanks again for the input...you have no idea how much i appreciate...I also think this is a horrible idea for me...and make she feel great to have all these options..but as everything in life..all good things come to an end...so since we have been in the rough for a couple of months...at least she will have one good last memory..

 

maybe this last memory is bad idea...but when u hit rock bottom..there is only one way up i suppose.

 

in any case, i am setting myself up. You are totally right about this. But in my heart, I need to do this last thing and if she comes back to town and decides that "Pancho" is the man for her..let it be..I know that i have 5 years in and she knows that I am not a dumb guy and can pick up almost any girl i would like to.

 

If this all back fires, I guess the only other thing to do is to make her jealous by finding another girl..because in her heart she will know that im only doing that to get over her and it will bother her..

 

she's pretty crazy in that sense.

 

Unfortunately, hearts have s--t for brains. You don't need to do this at all -- if anything, you need to step back and completely burn your playbook and devise something new for yourself. The fact that you see this as an "all-in" moment is why it's such a crappy plan.

[tobe1424]

So I'm back from the trip.. We had a great time.

 

Regarding the relationship side, she opened up a few times and would tell me things regarding a future. However, she did tell me that she wants to continue to have fun since she hasn't been able to ever do this due to her family history. Again, this weekend was mostly about having fun, hanging out and hooking up. But as great of a time that we had, this still doesn't change her mind and still have the "if it's meant to be it will be mentality"

 

My approach after this weekend is to simply back off a little bit to see if she comes back. Which is what I should have done a while ago. But now we have one real good memory.

 

She basically told me that with her new "friends" she is having "kid" fun and that out time is more like "adult" fun..this weekend we had all of the above fun IMO

 

I guess friends with benefits is not a bad start and if play my cars right I might be able to increase her level of attraction towRds me.. But the "if it's meant to be it will be" theory of hers drives me nuts

[leavesonautumn]

She's telling you it's not going to happen.

 

I'm sorry but your best bet will be to back off from her completely. It's going to feel like you've broken up all over again.

[Simon Phoenix]

So I'm back from the trip.. We had a great time.

 

Regarding the relationship side, she opened up a few times and would tell me things regarding a future. However, she did tell me that she wants to continue to have fun since she hasn't been able to ever do this due to her family history. Again, this weekend was mostly about having fun, hanging out and hooking up. But as great of a time that we had, this still doesn't change her mind and still have the "if it's meant to be it will be mentality"

 

My approach after this weekend is to simply back off a little bit to see if she comes back. Which is what I should have done a while ago. But now we have one real good memory.

 

She basically told me that with her new "friends" she is having "kid" fun and that out time is more like "adult" fun..this weekend we had all of the above fun IMO

 

I guess friends with benefits is not a bad start and if play my cars right I might be able to increase her level of attraction towRds me.. But the "if it's meant to be it will be" theory of hers drives me nuts

 

Friends with benefits is a terrible idea because you are emotionally attached. You need to stop interacting with this person ASAP. You would be a moron of the highest order to try to use FWB to reel in a romantic partner. Don't be that guy.

[BC1980]

FWB is a good way to destroy any chance af all of a relationship.

[erklat]

You were intimate or what ? It's unclear from the post.

[Omei]

I find it hard to believe as she would too that after 5 years together you suddenly changed in the month apart.

 

I believe that you are trying but old habits die hard why did it take her leaving to make the effort? And you may think you changed but only long periods of time can tell.

 

Do not do Fwb you'll be living in a fantasy land where anything she does towards you in your head will be meaningful when its not you'll just be fooling yourself and then horribly hurt when she's done because she found a relationship.

[tobe1424]

Yes we were intimate all 3 days.

 

 

 

One night she got emotional and I tried the “listen to her without trying to fix anything” approach and basically told her how I felt about her in a few words. She then asked me why now?

 

 

 

My respond was: I knew all along you are the one, but it’s that now I’ve educated myself on how to handle things differently and changed my mindset after seeking professional help. Unfortunately it took this much for me go and pick up a book and talk to a few people about the problems you were underlining.

 

 

She then asked me if I loved her. I said you mean the world to me. I asked her the same thing. Her reply was: I am trying to figure out if you’re the one for me by having fun and seeing if its meant to be. But I care a lot about you and do love you. It's just that I want to do what I am doing now because I have never done this. I then told her what I thought about the “if it’s meant to be” theory. And she simply said its what she wants to do now. I know she wants 2 kids and a happy relationship and to be married. She also said this guy she is seeing is not going to give her that (of course she can be lying). However, since she has been waiting so long for me to step to the plate and always wanted to start a family, she realized that she wants to have fun and go out and party before she decides she wants to go back to trying to have that.

 

 

She says that she only goes out in group dates to clubs and lounges and bars. Which is a good sign that the guy isn’t really going to win her heart if this is all he does after 2 months. But I could be wrong because obviously she is not running back to me.

This weekend was a great one and she brought up future plans and how she would like to comeback to with me and try other new things.

In the mornings she would kiss me and hug me. One night she said a comment which I responded to in an insecure way. She then said, “well, Im here with you aren’t i?”

She requested to have dinner at our favorite sushi place in key large on our way out of the keys. She initiated another conversation about us as she started looking through my phone when I got up to go to the restroom. She then randomly said, “you know it’s hard for me too because I also have feeling and realize in the end I have to hurt someone.” I didn’t know what to reply to this one. So I said well, I think you should pursue what you really want in life and nothing less. We then stopped talking about it and had dinner.

 

 

 

When we got to her house she didn’t want me to stay over. The next day she texted me in the morning “have a good day at work”, I said “thx u too”. I haven’t heard from her in 3 days.

 

 

She says she left me because she was unhappy and wants to be single and have fun. But I know there is another guys so it feels more like she left me for another guy. But in the end, she decided to come with me on this trip and we had one of our best times ever.

 

 

 

So if she goes out with her “friend/s” this weekend, I know it will hard to trump what we had this weekend. However, as you guys warned me, it’s so confusing. And that fact that I haven’t heard from her since strikes me as paradox. As you guys said, she has be on the backburner. And part of the reason why she came with me this weekend was because she knew I would have taken someone else.

 

 

ps: i dont think we are FWB, who knows what we are. But 5 years and having lived together, its definitely something. Even though her heart hardened towards me for the things i did, she still cares about me and made love (or simply sex) this weekend. Again, this weekend was amazing and I know she thought the same. So there is no way she didn't regain some attraction, but obviously not enough to get back - not that I expected this would happen.

 

I just wish I knew what it takes to win her back (delusional -i know) NC is the way to go. I haven't initiated contact with her since Monday. But i was told that I need for her to continue to let her do what she wants so that she can compare me to this guy and ultimately realize who she really wants to be with. Even though I have mentally prepared myself, my fear is that she will eventually simply end up in a new relationship. Or begging me back. But as she said, we don't know what the future holds.

 

 

::sigh::

[yololin]

5 year relationship break up is going to be messy. Emotionally , neither of you are seeing things straight. I've been there before. I think you should let her be. It's hard for her to be so selfish too. But it's her life yolo. At the same time you should see other girls and see what happens. What will be will be.

[tobe1424]

I just feel like whatever I've been doing is probably not the best for me, but has kept her around. And if I completely let her go she is going to be full time with this new guy. Which is the channel she has been taking but i feel like I've been impeding her from moving forward with im since I am always in the picture.

 

My goal is to win her back.

 

Since nothing I have done has changed her mind to commit to me, there are only a few possible outcomes I see here.

 

1. I can backup once and for ( as I have been doing) and see if this helps.

 

2. Or try something else..or the samethings...:ahhhh::

 

I know creating jealously is not the best way to go. But I am starting to contemplate if I should go out with some girls and post pics on facebook. I have a feeling this may backfire.

[leavesonautumn]

Focus on one thing.

 

Not contacting her and moving on with your life.

 

You're just prolonging your pain. Unfortunately, people are going through break ups every day. It's just a part of life. They are not always a clean break. I mean, I consider my break up something that was coming for years but we kept going on/off. Some people have extremely messy break ups and others will never hear from the dumper again as soon as the break up happens.

 

I doubt I will get many people disagreeing with me but I don't think you're going to take our advice anyway.

 

Do you really, truly want to be with someone who is playing you like this? Don't you want someone who is clear with their feelings and you're both happy together?

[tobe1424]

The way I look at it: How in the world is been with someone else going to make you know whether or not I am the one for you?

 

Is that even feasible?

 

The way I am taking it is that she is trying to move on and if things don't work out then she may come back to me. But she explains it in such a way that she is testing the waters to see if she truly loves me - per her words - which sounds counter intuitive.

[leavesonautumn]

If she truly loved you, do you think that she would be playing with your heart like this?

 

Look, I'm not saying she doesn't care about you or doesn't love you but she doesn't want to be with you anymore. If she did, she would be with you.

 

My ex constantly came back 8 or 9 times and yes, he would say he loved me how much he missed me blah blah blah but the pattern never stopped. I let it continue. I allowed someone with low self esteem and depression who could not and did not even want to find someone else come back because he'd never be with anyone else (his words, not mine). I was old reliable. He was either alone or with me. He eventually got lonely enough to come back to me. I allowed my pain to continue.

 

Do yourself a favour and don't let this become a pattern. She's keeping you around because she knows you love her and she wants to feel wanted. Don't you want to feel wanted?

[BC1980]

I just feel like whatever I've been doing is probably not the best for me, but has kept her around. And if I completely let her go she is going to be full time with this new guy. Which is the channel she has been taking but i feel like I've been impeding her from moving forward with im since I am always in the picture.

 

My goal is to win her back.

 

Since nothing I have done has changed her mind to commit to me, there are only a few possible outcomes I see here.

 

1. I can backup once and for ( as I have been doing) and see if this helps.

 

2. Or try something else..or the samethings...:ahhhh::

 

I know creating jealously is not the best way to go. But I am starting to contemplate if I should go out with some girls and post pics on facebook. I have a feeling this may backfire.

 

It sounds like it's too little too late. She said something about you not stepping up the plate when you were together. Did she want more of a commitment? Marriage and kids? What does she mean by that statement?

 

Often times, people wait a long time for someone to change, and this may have been what she did. You may not have been completely aware, but, in her mind, she might have given you multiple chances and waited for a change. Her feelings probably eroded over time, and you had no clue. In these type situations, I think it's pretty darn hard to get someone back because she is emotionally spent from the relationship. You had 5 years together, and who knows how many she spent waiting for you to make more of a commitment?

 

I truly don't think there is much you can do to win her back. As others have said, staying in her life is usually a guarantee of not getting the person back. The reason is because she is ambivalent and confused, and, when you stick around, it gives her a certain comfort level. She knows you will be there, so why would she rush to make any decisions? She isn't forced to do anything at this point. It's only when you actually take yourself out of her life in all forms that she will be able to realize if she wants you back or not. Who knows what will happen, but sticking around isn't going to work. I feel like she is most likely done with the relationship for the foreseeable future, so you need to treat it as final to allow yourself to move on.

 

Truly, your best chance would have been to go NC immediately because it probably would have put her in panic mode with your abrupt absence. Now that you have stuck around, she is kind of weening herself off of you, so it won't be such a shock when you disappear. Sure, it will hurt her, but it won't have nearly the impact it would have if you had done it to begin with. I'm not advocating playing games because your initial problems would still have remained even if she had come back out of fear. Just saying that by sticking around, you lessened your chances. Anyway, I still think it would have ended sooner or later, no matter when you went NC.

Edited July 17, 2014 by BC1980

[BC1980]

The way I look at it: How in the world is been with someone else going to make you know whether or not I am the one for you?

 

Is that even feasible?

 

The way I am taking it is that she is trying to move on and if things don't work out then she may come back to me. But she explains it in such a way that she is testing the waters to see if she truly loves me - per her words - which sounds counter intuitive.

 

Some people have a hard time letting go completely even if they are not willing to commit completely either. My ex was similar. He didn't feel I was right for him, but he was so hesitant to completely say that it was for good. It can be for various reasons. Some feel tremendous guilt, and some second guess themselves, terrified of making the wrong decision. The fact is that none of it helps you.

 

I was the one who completely blocked my ex from my life because he wouldn't do it. He didn't want to be seen as the "bad guy." So now he can say it was me who cut contact.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's up to her to win you back, not you to win her back. You have this all backwards and your current mentality sucks.

 

And that weekend was what I predicted it to be -- one last roll in the sack which allows her to continue the process of detaching from you. The fact that she rejected you sleeping over and hasn't had contact with you in three days is evidence from this. She got comfort and an orgasm or two, and now she's continuing her quest of moving forward. You basically played the role of an energy drink, giving her a boost so she could move forward on her quest.

 

You really need to stay away for your own good. Don't try to make her jealous (people can see right through that), don't play any stupid games, just move forward and improve your life for you. There's no reason for her to ever come back if you are sucking around like you have been. Why should she give you what you want when she gets what she wants anyway? I mean, you really need to stop being that guy that can't take a hint. She wanted you gone -- it's time to be gone and stay gone. You need to move forward and she needs to sprint to catch up to you if she wants to.

 

You're playing the role of a sucker. I don't think she's intentionally trying to make you the sucker, but you're definitely the sucker right now.

[Simon Phoenix]

Some people have a hard time letting go completely even if they are not willing to commit completely either. My ex was similar. He didn't feel I was right for him, but he was so hesitant to completely say that it was for good. It can be for various reasons. Some feel tremendous guilt, and some second guess themselves, terrified of making the wrong decision. The fact is that none of it helps you.

 

I was the one who completely blocked my ex from my life because he wouldn't do it. He didn't want to be seen as the "bad guy." So now he can say it was me who cut contact.

 

Yep, the ex you rejected is a safety blanket that you can choose to use. Some do, some don't. I admit using girls I've broken up with for some comforts and ego boosts. Wasn't necessarily aware I was doing that at the time, but sometimes you get bored and you go back to the old familiar because it provides you with a guaranteed outcome. The OP is a guaranteed outcome at this point.

[chelsea2011]

Ugh. OP, for someone in your position, a fwb is a disgusting proposition. You will live to regret it not to mention the hardy ding to your self esteem it will serve to you. That ding will cling to you like super glue. Don't do it. It is a horrible position to put yourself in. You might as well hand her a pair of brass knuckles to beat you up with instead because that is what it will feel like.

 

Block, mourn and move the heck on. It is not worth learning this lesson the hard way. Listen to the advice people are giving you AND FOLLOW IT.

 

Good luck!

[BC1980]

Yep, the ex you rejected is a safety blanket that you can choose to use. Some do, some don't. I admit using girls I've broken up with for some comforts and ego boosts. Wasn't necessarily aware I was doing that at the time, but sometimes you get bored and you go back to the old familiar because it provides you with a guaranteed outcome. The OP is a guaranteed outcome at this point.

 

I think most people don't do it consciously. Most people aren't even thinking that deeply when it comes down to it. They just know that their ex is someone familiar who will be a shoulder to cry on, good for sex, or a friend to talk to, ect. People are going to assume that you are okay with the setup of ego boost of FWB if you continue to engage in the behavior. Your ex thinks she has made herself clear, so her conscience is free as far as you to hanging out is concerned.

[tobe1424]

Thank u all for this tremendous advise.

 

I see how this is all making it "easier" for her..as she said I haven't given her a chance to miss me.

 

I have to stick with my guns and go nc for myself, not any one else or hopes of any chance at her.

 

It's the only change that might make her think twice.

 

Thx again for ur support. It really helps during this depressing/confused stage..

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank u all for this tremendous advise.

 

I see how this is all making it "easier" for her..as she said I haven't given her a chance to miss me.

 

I have to stick with my guns and go nc for myself, not any one else or hopes of any chance at her.

 

It's the only change that might make her think twice.

 

Thx again for ur support. It really helps during this depressing/confused stage..

 

The bolded is a terrible reason to go No Contact and it reeks of manipulation. You go No Contact to protect yourself, to get yourself back, and to move forward in your life. No Contact has nothing to do with getting her back. If that's your motivation for doing it, it is going to be a much more painful process than it already is.