My (not unique) story...

[shermanator]

What tasks has your IC suggested to you - and which ones are you putting into action?

 

Which ideas have you dismissed?

 

And have you been honest with your IC about the extent of your affair?

 

Going NC, getting rid of any old messages, etc, from the OW, being more proactive/affectionate toward my W (I used to reach out to her all the time but she would reject me - probably due to my lying, which I realize)... those are some of her ideas.

 

Yes, I've been honest with my IC.

[shermanator]

To me it seems like you don't want to stay in your marriage. You keep saying it's what you should do. At this point, do what you want. Why stay in a marriage that neither one of you are happy with? The only thing you should do is tell your wife so that this limbo can stop.

 

My wife is happy. Or thinks she is. Right now, she has no interest in ending the marriage. Despite my being withdrawn and our lack of sex.

[April Moon]

Does she really not know something is up? Has she accused you or anything like that? I can't imagine her saying that she realizes you are distant and still be super happy. Is she maybe in denial?

Edited June 20, 2014 by April Moon
spelling

[2sunny]

I think it's important to get re-connected with your wife.

 

Have you made a list of qualities about her you admire? Have you told her the things you appreciate about her? Building MORE appreciation and intimacy may as well start now.

 

Since you state you don't intend to tell her about the affair and you were willing to go NC with her - how about moving FORWARD towards the goal of making the M better?

 

Staying in gratitude and focusing positive energy on what you DO HAVE is certainly one way to appreciate your wife.

 

If/when your W does things you don't admire - simply tell her with a kind and gentle voice what you want it to look like instead.

 

Like - IF she calls you when you're out (and you know this is based on your prior inability to be sneaky) you two could make an agreement that YOU call HER every so often to GIVE HER some peace of mind (that she's looking for anyway) - so she's not nagging you - you are OFFERING what she needs.

 

Ask her each day what you can do to help her. We all need a PARTNER that helps us carry any load.

 

Write her a card.

 

Draw her a picture.

 

Rub her feet.

 

Run errands together.

 

Cook together and listen to music.

 

Take a bath together.

 

DO THINGS to BUILD intimacy - and maybe the sex connection might flow naturally and passionately.

[Hope Shimmers]

OP - I have followed this thread but have not posted until now because I don't think I am qualified to tell you what to do (and I don't think others are either, actually -just my opinion because no one knows your situation like you do). To me, if you are going to IC and have gone NC with OW then you are making progress.

 

I can understand that your biggest problem right now is getting your OW out of your head. Until you do that, I don't believe the advice you have been given (draw a card, write a note, rub her feet, run errands together) is really the fix. First you have to get OW out of your head, and to do that you have to understand that what you have with OW is NOT the kind of love that will build a marriage.

 

You have received a lot of information on addictive behaviors and without getting into a debate as to whether you're an alcoholic - I think that much of what you are feeling now for OW is withdrawal from the high of the constant contact and the feeling that someone really "gets" you. You need to get your brain past that before you can move on. It is very difficult but it has to be done.

 

When I was getting over my ex-MM addiction, I read several books on relationship addiction and it was a big help in distinguishing the HUGE impact these behaviors had in terms of affecting my thoughts and ability to move on. When you are addicted to something - in this case, her - the removal of that feels like the strongest thing in the world. You miss it SO much, but in reality it has little to do with love. It has little to do with how you feel about your wife or your marriage - it's more about you and not her.

 

That's why I think you need to get over OW and this addiction before you can start to bond with your wife again. It's a process. I understand why others would think it might work for you to just dive into bonding with your wife again, but I believe you need some work on understanding your feelings for OW before you can fully engage and put everything back into your M.

Edited June 21, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[violet1]

Maybe your wife doesn't want to have sex with you because she doesn't trust you? Hiding your drinking problem from her is a form of betrayal. You've replaced one addiction with another(OW). The more I read your posts, the more I believe you have an addictive personality.

 

Hope is right, you need to focus on getting your exOW (start thinking of her as an ex) out of your head. Have you blocked her phone number and email address so she can't slip and contact you? If you're serious about working on your M, she has to go. I know it's hard getting over any relationship whether it's good or bad. There are times I miss my exMM too, but the desire is decreasing more and more each day. Reconciliation is damn hard, but I'm still trying.

 

If you don't want to tell your wife the truth than man up and make her and your children your first priority. If you can't do that than ending the marriage is what you "should" do. Keep working on yourself, take it day by day.

[shermanator]

Maybe your wife doesn't want to have sex with you because she doesn't trust you? Hiding your drinking problem from her is a form of betrayal. You've replaced one addiction with another(OW). The more I read your posts, the more I believe you have an addictive personality.

 

Hope is right, you need to focus on getting your exOW (start thinking of her as an ex) out of your head. Have you blocked her phone number and email address so she can't slip and contact you? If you're serious about working on your M, she has to go. I know it's hard getting over any relationship whether it's good or bad. There are times I miss my exMM too, but the desire is decreasing more and more each day. Reconciliation is damn hard, but I'm still trying.

 

If you don't want to tell your wife the truth than man up and make her and your children your first priority. If you can't do that than ending the marriage is what you "should" do. Keep working on yourself, take it day by day.

 

Yes, the OW is gone. I haven't blocked her number, but we haven't spoken/texted/contacted in almost two weeks now. Besides, blocking the number isn't fool proof... If I wanted to slip up, I could find a way to contact her, or respond if she texts. Just like getting the liquor out of the house doesn't mean I'll never have a drink again.

 

When I stopped drinking and started IC, I asked my wife if my hiding/secrecy was what prevented her from having sex (this was before I had the OW)... she said no, that she just thought she didn't have the desire, but I told her it was probably deeper than that.

 

I think she would probably be up for sex nowadays, but it's now my issue... Last time we tried, I couldn't do it bc of how I felt about the OW. As those feelings (hopefully) fade, maybe I'll be able to perform again.

[shermanator]

I think it's important to get re-connected with your wife.

 

Since you state you don't intend to tell her about the affair and you were willing to go NC with her - how about moving FORWARD towards the goal of making the M better?

 

Staying in gratitude and focusing positive energy on what you DO HAVE is certainly one way to appreciate your wife.

 

If/when your W does things you don't admire - simply tell her with a kind and gentle voice what you want it to look like instead.

 

Write her a card.

 

Draw her a picture.

 

Rub her feet.

 

Run errands together.

 

Cook together and listen to music.

 

Take a bath together.

 

DO THINGS to BUILD intimacy - and maybe the sex connection might flow naturally and passionately.

 

We do a lot of these things together already... except for drawing pictures.

 

Going to Target or Costco with my W on a Friday night used to be one of my favorite things to do. We made each other laugh and there was no one else in the world I wanted to spend more time with... I don't know how/when that changed, but it has.

 

She complains so much about how 'busy' we are... just like everyone else with jobs and kids, I say.

 

I read the 5 languages of love book today and one chapter really hit home. Some of the messages are a little silly, I think, but I think we could both be better about "filling each other's tanks," - for those of you that have read it.

[fellini]

We do a lot of these things together already... except for drawing pictures.

 

Going to Target or Costco with my W on a Friday night used to be one of my favorite things to do. We made each other laugh and there was no one else in the world I wanted to spend more time with... I don't know how/when that changed, but it has.

 

She complains so much about how 'busy' we are... just like everyone else with jobs and kids, I say.

 

I read the 5 languages of love book today and one chapter really hit home. Some of the messages are a little silly, I think, but I think we could both be better about "filling each other's tanks," - for those of you that have read it.

 

Clearly you both need to work on things if this is going to work. Shermanator, google Mort Fertel. I think he has an approach you might feel works for you. Not MC but marriage fitness, like going to Costco, built around simple pleasures.

 

Another really good source is Bill Ohanlons "Do one thing different", which is based on a concept of therapy that does not start with deficiencies but with capacities. Structured brief task based therapy. Worth 15 minutes of you time to see if they speak to you in terms of what you would find worthwhile doing.

 

Goodluck for your decisions and your progress.

[beach]

Name a few things that you could each be doing to fill the "love tanks".

 

 

I think when you both get busy focusing on each other to feel connected again - you won't be missing your OW as much.

 

Part of why you feel connected to OW was that you let your guard down and were open with her - you can be that way with your W too - but the outcome is dependent on how OPEN you're willing to be with your W.

 

As long as you stay closed off emotionally - you're not likely to feel close.

 

It's that old saying "you get what you give". That's why no one is to blame but you - by the way you participate. Love is a reflection of what YOU GIVE.

 

If you FEEL short changed - it's because YOU'RE not giving enough emotionally. To feel close to someone - the barriers need to come down so they can know what they are REALLY dealing with (you as the real person).

 

As long as you keep pretending - you can expect to feel like you have a pretending kind of marriage. It's up to you to make it better.

[Trustnoone]

Shermanator

 

I didn't read all 15 pages of this thread but a few posts in the beginning. In your post you are pining for your OW. You don't have fun with your wife and only see her in a negative way. It is because you love someone else. You have replaced your wife with the OW. Before you met your OW what would you do if your wife had an affair? Hurt? Rage? Or any of the hundreds of emotions? What if she had an affair today? Would you go to the OW? At one point you loved and respected your wife, I hope. Give her that respect and tell her that her marriage is a lie. That you don't know who you want. You need to stop being selfish and deceitful with all three, OW, wife, and yourself. It seems to me you are a good actor, are you acting when your a father? What example are you setting for your son? It's good to lie? It's good to be selfish? It's good to not care how you treat people?

 

My WW had an affair for six months, lied about everything. I believe the affair was 18-24 months but I don't have the proof. During this time WW said she loved me. How? By not bringing her AP to the house? The lies, deception, emotional connection hurt like he!!. WW having sex with him hurt too and still does. Will I recover? Will I divorce? I WAS even suicidal for 13 months. WW never thought of me, consequences or marriage while having her affair. I doubt you are any different than her. Yet your wife sits by you clueless to the fact that you most likely despise her. Yet she loves you because she is clueless. Get straight with the house and let your poor wife go. No matter what she has done or will do she doesn't deserve what you have done. Good luck .

[shermanator]

Name a few things that you could each be doing to fill the "love tanks".

 

I think when you both get busy focusing on each other to feel connected again - you won't be missing your OW as much.

 

Part of why you feel connected to OW was that you let your guard down and were open with her - you can be that way with your W too - but the outcome is dependent on how OPEN you're willing to be with your W.

 

As long as you stay closed off emotionally - you're not likely to feel close.

 

It's that old saying "you get what you give". That's why no one is to blame but you - by the way you participate. Love is a reflection of what YOU GIVE.

 

If you FEEL short changed - it's because YOU'RE not giving enough emotionally. To feel close to someone - the barriers need to come down so they can know what they are REALLY dealing with (you as the real person).

 

As long as you keep pretending - you can expect to feel like you have a pretending kind of marriage. It's up to you to make it better.

 

I totally agree with this post... I think, in the past, instead of talking to my wife about things I didn't like, I would drink and just avoid a discussion. Once I stopped drinking and going to IC, I started to take a look around and question our relationship... BUT instead of talking to my wife, I turned to someone else, so I'm still avoiding the conversation.

 

One of my IC's described my A as an "immature response to a very serious relationship issue."

 

I think, as I continue NC with the OW and tell my wife how I'm feeling, we have a chance... whether I decide to tell her down the road what's happened is another choice I'll have to make.

[beach]

Have you noticed the pattern? You avoid communicating.

 

When do you plan to begin opening up and talking more openly with your wife? It's only on you to make this change.

 

And I'm not talking about with your OW - that's beside the point - we already know you're capable with her.

 

So what stops you from being that open about how you feel to your wife? What can you do to overcome this issue so that things have a chance of improving with your wife?

[shermanator]

I do not necessarily like everything your IC's have said, but I DO like this.

 

It calls your A out as being the WRONG choice without dissing your marital problems.

 

Stay with NC. When you feel that pull toward OW, consciously direct that energy toward appreciating your W. Every day.

 

It sounds so simple, but your last sentence is great advice... right now, I'm dying to text the OW, just to reach out... I should just go reach out to my W and redirect.

[shermanator]

Have you noticed the pattern? You avoid communicating.

 

When do you plan to begin opening up and talking more openly with your wife? It's only on you to make this change.

 

And I'm not talking about with your OW - that's beside the point - we already know you're capable with her.

 

So what stops you from being that open about how you feel to your wife? What can you do to overcome this issue so that things have a chance of improving with your wife?

 

My wife hasn't always been my strongest advocate or 'had my back' during our relationship, so I avoided telling her things that I thought might lead to arguing.

 

It's like I was so afraid of rocking the boat, I starting doing something that might sink the boat instead... doesn't make sense.

[shermanator]

The OW texted me this morning... asked if I'd read the 5 love languages book. She thought that it might help me and my W.

 

I didn't respond. What should I make of her reaching out?

[spookysonata]

The OW texted me this morning... asked if I'd read the 5 love languages book. She thought that it might help me and my W.

 

I didn't respond. What should I make of her reaching out?

 

Maybe she really thinks she wants to help your marriage. But with some OWs, strangely, it doesn't stop them from sleeping with a married man.

Continue to ignore her. Your marriage and your wife are none of her business.

 

ETA: so did you ever reach out to your wife like you mentioned above?

Edited June 22, 2014 by spookysonata

[whatatangledweb]

The OW texted me this morning... asked if I'd read the 5 love languages book. She thought that it might help me and my W.

 

I didn't respond. What should I make of her reaching out?

 

She is intruding on your marriage no matter why. She wants you to reply back. Block her if you want to try to save your marriage.

[shermanator]

Maybe she really thinks she wants to help your marriage. But with some OWs, strangely, it doesn't stop them from sleeping with a married man.

Continue to ignore her. Your marriage and your wife are none of her business.

 

ETA: so did you ever reach out to your wife like you mentioned above?

 

I realize they're none of her business, but I've opened up with the OW and told her about my W and our M.

 

Yes, instead of texting/contacting the OW, I got off the sofa and forced myself to interact with my W (who was looking at Facebook/Pinterest)... it was nice.

 

I do think my W is in a bit of denial... there is so much circumstantial/behavioral evidence to show that I had an A, but no smoking gun.

[shermanator]

She is intruding on your marriage no matter why. She wants you to reply back. Block her if you want to try to save your marriage.

 

I didn't reply to her and I'm posting here/going for a run in a bit instead of writing back... if I don't fix things at home, it doesn't matter if I block her or anyone else... I can find another vice/outlet/escape/woman to fill whatever void I have.

[spookysonata]

I realize they're none of her business, but I've opened up with the OW and told her about my W and our M.

 

Yes, instead of texting/contacting the OW, I got off the sofa and forced myself to interact with my W (who was looking at Facebook/Pinterest)... it was nice.

 

I do think my W is in a bit of denial... there is so much circumstantial/behavioral evidence to show that I had an A, but no smoking gun.

 

Why do you think you opened up your marriage to the OW but hesitate to open up the affair to your wife?

I wouldn't be surprised if you were right about your wife's denial. She probably sees at least some of those red flags, but dismisses them with a mental "I'm being ridiculous. He would never cheat. "

[Oberfeldwebel]

I think she would probably be up for sex nowadays, but it's now my issue... Last time we tried, I couldn't do it bc of how I felt about the OW. As those feelings (hopefully) fade, maybe I'll be able to perform again.

 

The marriage will never be fully healed until she is an equal partner and that starts with honesty in your relationship. However, you can start to build intimacy as a prelude to sex in the future. What things did you two do in the good times of your marriage? That would be a good starting point.

[shermanator]

Why do you think you opened up your marriage to the OW but hesitate to open up the affair to your wife?

I wouldn't be surprised if you were right about your wife's denial. She probably sees at least some of those red flags, but dismisses them with a mental "I'm being ridiculous. He would never cheat. "

 

That's easy.. I opened up to the OW and not to my W because of what's at stake... with the OW, I could vent frustrations without any real consequences. With my W, if I open up, I risk losing a lot (W, kids, house, money).

 

Yes, my W has kind of hinted at me being unfaithful (even asking about people at my gym), but she usually does it in a joking manner... I don't think she wants to wrap her head around the idea.

[April Moon]

That's easy.. I opened up to the OW and not to my W because of what's at stake... with the OW, I could vent frustrations without any real consequences. With my W, if I open up, I risk losing a lot (W, kids, house, money).

 

Yes, my W has kind of hinted at me being unfaithful (even asking about people at my gym), but she usually does it in a joking manner... I don't think she wants to wrap her head around the idea.

 

Op what you said is a double edged sword. Yes, you could lose a lot if you opened up with your wife. But look what you gained when you opened up with the OW. That could have been gained if your opened up with your wife. There is a reason communication is the biggest key to a relationship; it opens the doors for everything else (etc. trust, honesty, intimacy).

[spookysonata]

That's easy.. I opened up to the OW and not to my W because of what's at stake... with the OW, I could vent frustrations without any real consequences. With my W, if I open up, I risk losing a lot (W, kids, house, money).

 

Yes, my W has kind of hinted at me being unfaithful (even asking about people at my gym), but she usually does it in a joking manner... I don't think she wants to wrap her head around the idea.

 

Can't blame her. Look, if she's asking you these questions, jokingly or not, she knows something isn't right. Sitting her down and telling her the truth will be painful for you both, but is also a act of intimacy.

I've never been a bs that I know of, but I would think that a full confession, instead of letting me find out on my own, would go a long way toward showing me that he wanted to stop being a liar and a cheat. Coming clean about a major f-up takes guts. Cheating takes none.