wmacbride Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Honestly, she makes life hard. She can sometimes make the mundane (dishes, laundry, homework with the kids) seem impossible. Yes, I stay calm. I've been good about calling Timeout (from our MC) and saving any triggering conversations until we get to his office. We don't have many of these any more, but there was a period of time where we had them frequently. As for 'acceptable' behavior, she's a grown woman, I don't tell her how to act... I just mention times where I think she comes off as toxic or harsh. I've become a pretty open book... I tell her my thoughts, fears, desires, sex stuff, whatever. She has a hard time hearing the truth and thinks I'm judging her when I tell her that she is being harsh or toxic. I'm really not judging, just telling her how she's coming off... telling her that I'm feeling that way eliminates the resentment that I used to feel by not saying anything, though. What would happen if, when she acts in a way that you find off putting, you tell her so, but also ask her why she acted that way because you want to understand her point of view? That might help with her feeling that you are judging her, you would have an opportunity to express your feelings, and maybe it might help you both understand one another a bit better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Excellent idea. You don't have to agree with her, just hear her. And of course, keep your boundaries/consequences intact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 I've been away from these forums for a long time.. Kind of struggling today. Heard that my xow is now engaged. I care more than I should and just wanted to vent someplace. My wife and I are doing better. She doesn't understand what it's like to stop drinking and live above ground... I think she kind of liked the conflict avoidant drunk she used to be married to. And I tolerated her reactionary, immature behavior bc she didn't care that I was a drunk. Anyway, things are good... Just kicking the tires here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 Kind of struggling today. Heard that my xow is now engaged. I care more than I should and just wanted to vent someplace. It may be like a depth chart - she's promoting her current AP to H, looking to fill the slots below him. Hope you've deleted her number... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 I've been away from these forums for a long time.. Kind of struggling today. Heard that my xow is now engaged. I care more than I should and just wanted to vent someplace. My wife and I are doing better. She doesn't understand what it's like to stop drinking and live above ground... I think she kind of liked the conflict avoidant drunk she used to be married to. And I tolerated her reactionary, immature behavior bc she didn't care that I was a drunk. Anyway, things are good... Just kicking the tires here. Maybe your wife needs to go to al-anon to understand more. ? Is it a heart hurt or an ego hurt? Big difference. Anyway try to be happy for her. If you truly and genuinely cared for your exOW, then her being engaged and finding love is a good thing. It's not like you two were going to be together ever since you chose to stay married. Just curious, how did you find out about the exOW being engaged? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 It may be like a depth chart - she's promoting her current AP to H, looking to fill the slots below him. Hope you've deleted her number... Mr. Lucky That's a pretty cynical take, even for this forum. I know their back story and my xow didn't promote a new AP. Sounds like she found someone (who was single) and cultivated a relationship with an available person. Yes, I lost her number. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 Maybe your wife needs to go to al-anon to understand more. ? Is it a heart hurt or an ego hurt? Big difference. Anyway try to be happy for her. If you truly and genuinely cared for your exOW, then her being engaged and finding love is a good thing. It's not like you two were going to be together ever since you chose to stay married. Just curious, how did you find out about the exOW being engaged? It hurts my heart... Not my ego. And I found out via friend of a friend of a friend. I met the exOW at a gym. I've left the gym, but some of the people that I met there are still in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 That's a pretty cynical take, even for this forum. I know their back story and my xow didn't promote a new AP. Sounds like she found someone (who was single) and cultivated a relationship with an available person. Not ambitious enough to re-read all 51 pages so was relying on (an occasionally faulty) memory. Thought you'd said your A wasn't her first rodeo and she'd had more than one simultaneous AP... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 I've been away from these forums for a long time.. Kind of struggling today. Heard that my xow is now engaged. I care more than I should and just wanted to vent someplace. My wife and I are doing better. She doesn't understand what it's like to stop drinking and live above ground... I think she kind of liked the conflict avoidant drunk she used to be married to. And I tolerated her reactionary, immature behavior bc she didn't care that I was a drunk. Anyway, things are good... Just kicking the tires here. Do you share with your wife how you really feel now? You can't expect a normal drinker to understand an alcoholic. Are you sure your expectations of your wife are reasonable? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted April 13, 2016 Author Share Posted April 13, 2016 Do you share with your wife how you really feel now? You can't expect a normal drinker to understand an alcoholic. Are you sure your expectations of your wife are reasonable? For all things non-OW related, yes. Once in a while, I wait until an MC session to bring something up if I think she will get reactionary and sensitive when I tell her what I'm thinking or feeling. She is really against going to al-anon, even just once. I've tried to tell her what it's like to be open (after years of being underground) but I don't think she fully gets it. I think our MC realizes that my wife doesn't understand the magnitude of the change, either. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 Serious question, without malice- do you like your wife- I mean like her as a person- you two seem like oil and water from what you write- 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 You've often said that your wife has a "toxic & harsh" personality. May I ask, has she always been like this or is it something that's developed over time? Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 She is really against going to al-anon, even just once. I've tried to tell her what it's like to be open (after years of being underground) but I don't think she fully gets it. I think our MC realizes that my wife doesn't understand the magnitude of the change, either. Is there anything, any matter, any personal experience that your wife had to deal with on her own? If yes, you may want to use that to help her understand what it feels like to deal with an issue ALL BY YOURSELF ALONE. It shouldn't take an astro-physicist to understand the concept that when any person has to deal with a problem alone, it's ten times harder if you cannot share your difficulties and success stories with people who can relate to your experiences. But it's truly tragic that your wife doesn't show the understanding about your difficulties trying to come out of alcohol, especially when you had that other addiction (affair) to deal with also. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 First I want to applaud you for being honest with your wife about your relationship with the OW and for giving the marriage a chance. However, you also have to be honest with yourself and consider if this is a relationship you want to continue. I feel for you about being with someone who in not content in life, it is very draining. The only one that can control your life is you, if you are unhappy, then start doing those things that will make you happy. Your wife will have the chance to join you or not, but you have to take charge of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 Hi there Sherm, It's been a long time since I've posted here, but I've followed your story from the beginning. I'm impressed, you have really grown so much. I hope that you and your wife can find that happy-medium ground you're both looking for. Especially with these new changes going on in your life now. Good for you for bring sober too btw! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 You've often said that your wife has a "toxic & harsh" personality. May I ask, has she always been like this or is it something that's developed over time? Hard to say, really.. When I was drinking, I didn't notice or didn't care. I'd found a pretty girl that let me get away with anything, so I was 'happy' Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 Serious question, without malice- do you like your wife- I mean like her as a person- you two seem like oil and water from what you write- Yes, of course. We have chemistry and make each other laugh and she's a good woman. When we are firing on all cylinders, it's all good. We are kind of like oil and water, but that doesn't mean we can't like each other. Link to post Share on other sites
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