! Lost all dignity and self respect

[Heartbroken_84]

Hey peeps! I just wanted to let u all know my exam went well sodium get crossed!!!! I get my results on Thursday, so relieved to have it done I feel so rejuvenated and like a new woman! I can't tell u how much I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulder!

 

Thanks so much for all your support and comments, obviously I'm still sad about the break up but I feel a sudden burst of strength in me, I feel like if I can conquer that exam I can conquer anything especially the break up

[Heartbroken_84]

Lol I'm typing from my phone, I meant to say fingers crossed! Not sodium

[Heartbroken_84]

I miss him now! I feel so bipolar lol eugh!!

[emotionalMess]

Now get to work on you!

 

Be selfish, make yourself happy! You deserve it.

[Heartbroken_84]

Guys I was on such a high yesterday after my exam and now I'm back to feeling crappy and so sad

 

I miss him so much, how long will this last for its so exhausting.

[sugarlove]

It will last as long as you allow it to consume you. BUt I think you already know that.

[BC1980]

Guys I was on such a high yesterday after my exam and now I'm back to feeling crappy and so sad

 

I miss him so much, how long will this last for its so exhausting.

 

A few months maybe. It's really hard in the beginning, and you do swing back and forth. I went through a period of shock where I didn't feel much in the beginning. I was in denial too. Then, when I really committed to NC, I was just utterly depressed for about 3 months. It was horrible really. It's a personal journey, so everyone is going to be different. It's difficult to say exactly how long it will last, but what you are feeling is normal.

 

I've read several books on grief and breakups, and some good advice I got was to just let the moment pass when you feel crazy. I would get these times of overwhelming sadness or intense anger. In these moments, feel what you are feeling, and then let it go. Don't bottle it up, but try to use it to your advantage by channeling it into something else. The feelings are going to exist no matter what, so try to understand them and then channel them into a new hobby maybe. Don't allow yourself to wallow in self pity.

[BC1980]

It will last as long as you allow it to consume you. BUt I think you already know that.

 

Yep. The feelings are going to come out regardless, but you can choose whether or not they consume you. You don't have to let it break you as a person, and you have the right to be happy.

[requin]

Can you start ordering some self help books? Reading kept me focused when I was going nuts with thoughts like yours

 

I've been reading through this thread, not finished yet but wanted to ask, mangteout, which books have helped you the most? I love how you said you've become calm as a cucumber. I want to do that too!!

[miranda_wilson]

Heartbroken_84,

 

Any time you feel the strong urge to contact him, just allow yourself to feel the feelings...but don't do it. Feelings are fleeting. They will come and go. You have to let the "urge"...pass. And it will. And it will come back again, but then once again, you have to feel the discomfort of the strong urge to reach out and just let it pass.

 

I've been through many breakups in my life and know the feeling of "wanting to contact him so much." But I'm actually really good about No Contact, ultimately. I obsess privately, but I'm a rock about not contacting them.

 

Contacting only gives them the opportunity to reject you again.

 

Tell yourself, while not hanging on, that he will come to regret his decision later. And he might even have second thoughts about it now. Just because HE is not in contact with you doesn't mean he's not experiencing any internal battle of his own. I mean, just look at you and how you feel. But he doesn't know it. He's experiencing stuff that you don't know either.

 

Not long ago, I contacted this guy I know from my social circle. He had broken up with a mutual female friend of ours about six months before (I contacted him in March; he'd broken up with her in September). I wanted his feedback about my own breakup situation, and for whatever reason, felt like he and she had had a situation similar to my own.

 

This guy was the dumper and told me that he struggled a lot with the loss of her. I said "even though you were the one to break up?" He said "Yeah." He said he struggled with it all the time (he said even months after), but that he didn't let her see it at all. I'm not saying all dumpers feel this way, but if you had an actual deep bond with your partner, he likely still struggles with the loss of you no matter how much he (the dumper) feels that "he had to do it."

 

It may not mean they come back, but you have to at least tell yourself (especially if it helps you cope) that he (the dumper) isn't just coasting through life just because you feel so bad and assume that life is so unfair and mean to you that it would make circumstances such that you have 100% emotional turmoil while the dumper has none. The dumper has emotional turmoil too.

 

Tell yourself this. Empower yourself to realize that you're not 100% weak and he is not 100% strong. Also, get as strong as you can and let him see it (if possible) in very subtle ways. Anything you do too overtly will be an obvious ploy to get to him. But if you know how to be subtle, it will make you feel better that he knows that you're doing all right.

 

Exes are attracted to your emotional strength. Trust me! In fact, emotional strength is part of why you're so attracted to him now. He's the dumper, he's got the control, he appears strong. You're highly attracted to that. He'll be to your strength, too. Start building that strength now and keep it going.

[miranda_wilson]

In my eyes I thought that being in a long term relationship meant yes of course you have fun and enjoy it, but are u not also meant to be there for each other during the arguments and fall outs? I mean he would get so freaked out if i got upset or emotional, and his response 9 times out of 10 was so cold and just plain emotionless or angry. I was never allowed to be annoyed at him about ANYTHING, if i was he would put me in my place and punish me for it.

 

Sorry for the rant here I just feel so frustrated that he didnt want to take any responsibility for it or even want to address the fact that maybe he does need to change a bit. I think he obviously just isnt ready to be in a serious relationship and commit and so didnt see me as worth fighting for.

 

I keep taking it so personally though!!!!!! He said to me that everything is drama, but I see it as when there was drama it was because of the way he responded to me which hurt me and made me go mad. How do you stop torturing yourself with all these thoughts???

 

I dated a guy like what you're describing above. It wasn't a serious relationship -- it was someone I dated for only two months and recently saw again for a week-long reconnect (sexual, lol). But he is similar. Gets really angry about even the slightest trace of conflict. I think a bit of fighting and conflict is normal in a relationship (every day is not acceptable, but twice a month or even once a week -- if kind of mild or even comical -- can be okay). But some men react really angrily to ANY kind of conflict at all.

 

The guy I'm talking about got really defensive and pissy for even small conflict, and it made me think....wow...you are an idiot.

 

Now...my ex...who I do love and don't think of as a jerk...also got upset about conflict. But he got "upset" -- not ANGRY.

 

That said, I think that in general, women must learn to not bicker with their boyfriends. It's been my experience that men "can't handle" fighting (or..I should say...take it more badly than women do.)

 

Men actually feel -- to varying degrees -- hurt and angry when you fight with them, whereas women see it as a healthy way of "getting things out."

 

I'm certain that what i was seeing as healthy, honest, heated expression in my last relationship, my ex was seeing as "drama and fighting" that just stressed him out.

 

I honestly believe that a man can love you a lot and truly have wanted to be with you long-term and still break up with you because of too much fighting. Basically, when it happens, they are saying "I love you, but I can't handle this relationship. It is too much stress for me."

 

Your very best hope is his getting over the stress and having the desire to try again.

Edited July 2, 2014 by miranda_wilson

[Simon Phoenix]

I dated a guy like what you're describing above. It wasn't a serious relationship -- it was someone I dated for only two months and recently saw again for a week-long reconnect (sexual, lol). But he is similar. Gets really angry about even the slightest trace of conflict. I think a bit of fighting and conflict is normal in a relationship (every day is not acceptable, but twice a month or even once a week -- if kind of mild or even comical -- can be okay). But some men react really angrily to ANY kind of conflict at all.

 

The guy I'm talking about got really defensive and pissy for even small conflict, and it made me think....wow...you are an idiot.

 

Now...my ex...who I do love and don't think of as a jerk...also got upset about conflict. But he got "upset" -- not ANGRY.

 

That said, I think that in general, women must learn to not bicker with their boyfriends. It's been my experience that men "can't handle" fighting (or..I should say...take it more badly than women do.)

 

Men actually feel -- to varying degrees -- hurt and angry when you fight with them, whereas women see it as a healthy way of "getting things out."

 

I'm certain that what i was seeing as healthy, honest, heated expression in my last relationship, my ex was seeing as "drama and fighting" that just stressed him out.

 

I honestly believe that a man can love you a lot and truly have wanted to be with you long-term and still break up with you because of too much fighting. Basically, when it happens, they are saying "I love you, but I can't handle this relationship. It is too much stress for me."

 

Your very best hope is his getting over the stress and having the desire to try again.

 

As a man, yes, we hate bickering and we don't find in the least bit healthy. Bickering and debating every little thing is definitely a stressor we don't appreciate or need. And I wouldn't anticipate him "getting over that stress", especially with the way the OP's relationship ended. It's best for her not to hope and to move forward and find someone more compatible with the bickering. Bickering doesn't "hurt" me per se -- it just annoys the piss out of me.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[miranda_wilson]

As a man, yes, we hate bickering and we don't find in the least bit healthy. Bickering and debating every little thing is definitely a stressor we don't appreciate or need. And I wouldn't anticipate him "getting over that stress", especially with the way the OP's relationship ended. It's best for her not to hope and to move forward and find someone more compatible with the bickering. Bickering doesn't "hurt" me per se -- it just annoys the piss out of me.

 

I agree that their relationship ended pretty badly. The drunk texts, the "I hate you," and the rest of it. This situation may well be a lost cause. This guy's personality doesn't strike me as forgiving either (from a post I read earlier). I think other situations similar to this but with a different personality type of the guy and maybe a more mild breakup could have some hope. But this one...who knows.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree that their relationship ended pretty badly. The drunk texts, the "I hate you," and the rest of it. This situation may well be a lost cause. This guy's personality doesn't strike me as forgiving either (from a post I read earlier). I think other situations similar to this but with a different personality type of the guy and maybe a more mild breakup could have some hope. But this one...who knows.

 

Maybe, but since we're talking about this one, those aren't relevant. And it depends on the personality of the guy. But me personally (I'm obviously not representative of every guy, or even the majority), I'd rather walk on broken glass than go back to a relationship with a lot of bickering.

 

But yeah, fueling hope for her isn't exactly going to help her out IMO. It's best if she counts this as a lost cause, works on getting her mind right and getting back to the best she can be. If she does that, and he comes sniffing around, she can be in the right state of mind to evaluate it and decide whether or not to re-engage or to tell him to pound sand.

[miranda_wilson]

Maybe, but since we're talking about this one, those aren't relevant. And it depends on the personality of the guy. But me personally (I'm obviously not representative of every guy, or even the majority), I'd rather walk on broken glass than go back to a relationship with a lot of bickering.

 

But yeah, fueling hope for her isn't exactly going to help her out IMO. It's best if she counts this as a lost cause, works on getting her mind right and getting back to the best she can be. If she does that, and he comes sniffing around, she can be in the right state of mind to evaluate it and decide whether or not to re-engage or to tell him to pound sand.

 

I'll preface my response to say that I do think the OP's situation sounds like a lost cause, especially because of how the breakup erupted AND the fact that he'd previously attempted a breakup. I'll even go so far as to say...very little chance of reconciliation...at least not in the short term. Yet, it can't be discounted that male posters even earlier in this thread themselves said that the situation isn't necessarily completely unsalvageable. One even said that even given all of the same circumstances, he would consider taking a woman back if she got to a better place and things had truly been worked on.

 

So I would still say to you about this type of thing in general -- not the OP's situation exactly -- that your preferring to walk on broken glass....etc., etc....well, that's just you.

 

There are people who don't see themselves as "going back to a relationship with a lot of bickering" but rather...going back to a relationship that had a lot of good in it (and realistically, most relationships are both good and bad, not all one or the other) and trying to resolve the things that caused the bickering so that it is no longer an issue, or at least not nearly as much of one. And there are men that do that, and there are lots of reasons why they would.

 

Your feeling that the OP should have no hope based on how you would react in this situation is no more valid than anyone else advising the OP based on their own experiences or observations about themselves or other people and their behavior.

 

And people in general should stop being so militant about how having hope is going to prevent you from moving on with your life. I would say that after every single one of my breakups in which I wanted a guy back, I actively hoped I'd get him back yet still moved on with my life. There's a difference between having hope and refusing to live your life (staying healthy, getting out socially, going on dates when the opportunity arises) and having hope yet still moving on with your life.

 

Several times in my life I hung on to hope to get an ex back, but I also dated and lived my life and exercised and read books and went out with friends and had hobbies. Soon I was with someone new, often the ex was interested again -- sometimes before I was with someone new and sometimes after.

 

Moving on or not isn't some black and white binary wherein you either let go 100% of all hope and shut the door forever with a huge wall between you and your ex and become clear-headed and healthy, or else you are at home obsessing and can't function and fall apart physically, mentally, socially, and financially.

 

Why people think it works that way is beyond me. Most people live in a gray area, in most contexts in life. This means they can hope for something and still function like a normal person who isn't preventing all good future things from happening to them.

 

And by the way, it is okay to talk in general about breakup situations in any given thread. Conversations on message boards have a specific subject matter (usually someone's particular situation), but they also inevitably give way to tangents or else just talk about similar situations in general. That's natural and not off limits.

Edited July 2, 2014 by miranda_wilson

[Heartbroken_84]

I agree that their relationship ended pretty badly. The drunk texts, the "I hate you," and the rest of it. This situation may well be a lost cause. This guy's personality doesn't strike me as forgiving either (from a post I read earlier). I think other situations similar to this but with a different personality type of the guy and maybe a more mild breakup could have some hope. But this one...who knows.

 

Hi Miranda thanks so much for taking the time out to write your posts, it's very touching. This is why I was wondering if I should send one last message agreeing with the break up so it was left on amicable terms and not as me going crazy. I don't wana be remembered that way, especially when he always thought if me as a really nice person before. I don't want him thinking I hate him or that I'm mean and selfish. It was just a really bad reaction and I'm working on myself so I never behave that way again and I have more control over my emotions.

 

I still feel so hurt and angry obviously that he wanted to end it but I know my drunken crazy texts are what pushed him over the edge and reinforced his decision to break up, along with my post break up messages begging and pleading. I can see how extremely unattractive that looked, if only I knew back then what I so now I would never have got so hysterical. If only. I do feel I am regaining my dignity and self respect a little each day because I haven't contacted him for 17 days now and didn't reply to either of his breadcrumbs so I am in fact proud of myself a little. Despite how crazy my behaviour was that weekend, I truly believe that he is the one that lost out and I think I was in disbelief that he gave up on us. For him the bad outweighed the good, but for me it was the other way around. I guess I projected how I felt about the relationship on to him. I really wish he had thought I was worth sorting it out for and working on things, but truth is he didn't and he wanted out a long time ago and I couldn't accept it. Makes me cringe at myself.

 

How did I become so desperate and needy and weak?? Ewwww what happened to me I used to be so confident, I used to actually value myself I don't know how I let it get to this. I feel like he massively dented my self esteem because he would make me feel so bad about myself when I said something to him he didn't like. It would escalate for no reason, he didn't know how to diffuse the situation or console me. Everything was seen as me attacking him. Yes I made mistakes but I wasn't the enemy. I didn't deserve to be treated like that, the coldness and the mean things he would say I know I didn't deserve it.

[sooshi]

Don't send him a message. It's for entirely selfish reasons and won't really accomplish anything.

 

Sometimes we give so much power to others, and the way they treat us damages our sense of self-worth. I've been there, and you're there now. Reclaim your power and start anew. You know you deserve to be treated with respect. He didn't respect you. The good thing about this is that you ARE worthy of respect, care, appreciation, and empathy. Start showing it by giving these things to yourself.

[Heartbroken_84]

Don't send him a message. It's for entirely selfish reasons and won't really accomplish anything.

 

Sometimes we give so much power to others, and the way they treat us damages our sense of self-worth. I've been there, and you're there now. Reclaim your power and start anew. You know you deserve to be treated with respect. He didn't respect you. The good thing about this is that you ARE worthy of respect, care, appreciation, and empathy. Start showing it by giving these things to yourself.

 

Hi sooshi, that is very true. I honestly feel like that's what happened. The way he treated me during arguments really damaged my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. He has an inability to show empathy and compassion, and I feel like he took me for granted. I gave him so much power when I think about it now, I used to always be the one to apologise first even when he was in the wrong. I should have been the strong one and walked away, I loved him though so I couldn't do it.

[requin]

This is why I was wondering if I should send one last message agreeing with the break up so it was left on amicable terms and not as me going crazy.

 

 

Absolutely DO NOT DO THIS. Because you DO NOT agree with the breakup. So saying you do would be lying.

Instead, you could say you don't agree w/ the breakup and prefer it didn't happen, but you ACCEPT it's what he wants.

 

I agree w others though that you shouldn't say anything. Fact is, your silence is the very best thing you can "say" at this stage. He's not "thinking you are mean and selfish" he knows you are hurt by the breakup. As well he's probably not thinking hardly at all about how you feel, he's doing his own thing. Sad but true.

 

My man ended our year-long r'ship the end of May, and the two times I went to his house to talk, he flat out admitted he hasn't been thinking about it (the breakup, r'ship, or me). He's been "too busy" (yea ok. whatever). The dumper processes it differently than the dumped. Their initial feeling is relief. My guy said he didn't have time for a r'ship, and he's sticking to that by filling every min of his time doing things other than being w/ me (or any woman). Working overtime, going fishing, fixing cars, lawn care, etc. How do I know? Because he told me.

 

I started NC 4 days ago (after trying on and off during June to find out why he ended it, as well as a few attempts to remain friendly--bad idea and I know now I'm not going there).

 

It's horrible but every day is better. I feel stronger doing NC than I did while I was hanging around accepting crumbs and being subservient hoping he'd reply to my (infrequent)texts. I tried several times to get him to do something together (as 'friends') but he either flat out said no or said we can do that but he didn't know when. Um..take the hint much? Time, I said, after a month of that, to go full no contact and stick to it.

 

He's not gonna miss me, as your guy won't miss you, until we aren't around to let them miss us. You did the hard work of blocking him on FB etc. Don't ruin it by sending anymore texts or whatever. Stay off his radar. It's the best way.

[BC1980]

Don't send him anything. It almost always makes you look worse because, one, he doesn't care anymore. His goal is to emotionally distance himself from you right now. Two, it shows you care what he thinks of you, and you need to get to the point that you don't. It does you no good to reinforce that what he thinks matters.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'll preface my response to say that I do think the OP's situation sounds like a lost cause, especially because of how the breakup erupted AND the fact that he'd previously attempted a breakup. I'll even go so far as to say...very little chance of reconciliation...at least not in the short term. Yet, it can't be discounted that male posters even earlier in this thread themselves said that the situation isn't necessarily completely unsalvageable. One even said that even given all of the same circumstances, he would consider taking a woman back if she got to a better place and things had truly been worked on.

 

So I would still say to you about this type of thing in general -- not the OP's situation exactly -- that your preferring to walk on broken glass....etc., etc....well, that's just you.

 

There are people who don't see themselves as "going back to a relationship with a lot of bickering" but rather...going back to a relationship that had a lot of good in it (and realistically, most relationships are both good and bad, not all one or the other) and trying to resolve the things that caused the bickering so that it is no longer an issue, or at least not nearly as much of one. And there are men that do that, and there are lots of reasons why they would.

 

Your feeling that the OP should have no hope based on how you would react in this situation is no more valid than anyone else advising the OP based on their own experiences or observations about themselves or other people and their behavior.

 

And people in general should stop being so militant about how having hope is going to prevent you from moving on with your life. I would say that after every single one of my breakups in which I wanted a guy back, I actively hoped I'd get him back yet still moved on with my life. There's a difference between having hope and refusing to live your life (staying healthy, getting out socially, going on dates when the opportunity arises) and having hope yet still moving on with your life.

 

Several times in my life I hung on to hope to get an ex back, but I also dated and lived my life and exercised and read books and went out with friends and had hobbies. Soon I was with someone new, often the ex was interested again -- sometimes before I was with someone new and sometimes after.

 

Moving on or not isn't some black and white binary wherein you either let go 100% of all hope and shut the door forever with a huge wall between you and your ex and become clear-headed and healthy, or else you are at home obsessing and can't function and fall apart physically, mentally, socially, and financially.

 

Why people think it works that way is beyond me. Most people live in a gray area, in most contexts in life. This means they can hope for something and still function like a normal person who isn't preventing all good future things from happening to them.

 

And by the way, it is okay to talk in general about breakup situations in any given thread. Conversations on message boards have a specific subject matter (usually someone's particular situation), but they also inevitably give way to tangents or else just talk about similar situations in general. That's natural and not off limits.

 

I prefaced my thoughts by saying that I in no way represent all men, or the majority of men, in how a perceive relationships with bickering. My advice on her needing to put her hope on the backburner and concentrate on recovery has nothing to do with me at all. So while I admire your passion, this rant is a bit misguided.

 

As for the "send that one last message" idea the OP came up with, it's a terrible idea for several reasons that have already been covered. You can't control and manipulate how someone feels about you. That's up to them and the more you try to control it, the more unsuccessful it is.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[Heartbroken_84]

Hey guys, I'm not going to contact him or send any 'last' messages. I know that it does not serve any purpose at all, I think I just have doubts now and then and my emotions are all over the place so I end up posting on this forum. I know that common sense tells me that contacting him would be a STUPID thing to do so I'm not going to, no matter how much I miss him.

 

I think he is a fool, and I'l keep saying that and ranting because I really do feel like he is a tit for letting me go!!

 

Thanks for all taking the time to comment and give me advice, it means a lot.

[lovebug_5858]

I'm glad to see that you are well into NC now,

and I say well into it because we both came out of a crazy relationship and trust me I understand the want to reach out, but I'm glad that we have both seen the logic and did not do so.

I also feel like my ex was incredibly stupid for letting me go, but hey that was their loss.

We are on to bigger and better things -- starting with a healthy mind and heart.

[Heartbroken_84]

Guys I really felt like I needed to share my good news with you!!

 

I got my exam results and I got a DISTINCtION!!!!!!! I can't believe I got a 1st class degree i'm so over the moon!!!!!!!! ( I got an A for the exam i sat on Monday) and 2 other A's and 2 B's for exams I sat last month!

 

I'm so happy!!

[Heartbroken_84]

Surprise surprise I've hit an all time low now, I was on such a high yesterday after getting my results and now I'm back to feeling depressed.

 

I wanted to contact him so badly to tell him how I got on, I didnt though because I know he couldnt care less. He might have been curious but the fact is he didnt get in contact with me so he doesnt care enough to want to speak to me. It hurts. I cant stop thinking about him today, I'm trying to keep busy but he keeps entering my mind. i miss him so much. I miss the good times, i thought we had something special, y didnt he think so. I'l never understand how he let me go, y he didnt appreciate me. I'l never get it.

 

Feeling so down guys