! Lost all dignity and self respect

[Heartbroken_84]

There's a saying that whoever cares less has more power. The truth is that you seem to care more and are powerless in this situation, but in the end you are more emotionally invested than he probably is, and if he wanted it to work he would help make it work.

Ignoring people is not how you make things work, and even if it is some temporary tactic, at some point he will meet somebody who he really cares about that cares about him less and realize what a mistake it was to let you go.

 

Hey thanks for your message emeryen, nice to hear from you. I know what you are saying, and yes thats very true. At the end of the day if he did care enough in the first place he would have wanted to make it work between us. I know this sounds awful from my part but I hope he doesnt meet anyone as nice as me, I really do. I know thats immature but its like I want him to realise what he had.

 

Thing is though, he could also meet someone amazing, even better than me and love her more and her love him and they could be so happy so I really need to stop thinking about that!!!!!!

[Heartbroken_84]

Since we have only your words to go on, that's what we have to work with. But it sounds to me that you are a passionate woman... But you also need to deal with the issues that make you react in such a way. Getting drunk and sending 200 texts a day for three days is not something anyone should be doing - both for their own sake and the sake of the person they're sending those messages to.

Read about meditation or anger/stress management - and not some silly online lists or anything like that, but proper books by reputable authors. Read them, and try to adapt your life accordingly.

 

I'm a really passionate woman!! And my ex knows this.

 

Yes you're right I really need to deal with the issues I have relating to rejection and abandonment, it stems from my childhood with my dad. I am going to get some counselling because I realise that those deep-rooted issues, have affected how I am to this day.

 

I know its madness, still cant believe I did that. It isnt normal and i'm sure he will hold a lot of resentment towards me especially because he found out he got a first class degree that weekend and should have been out celebrating, not having to deal with his phone blowing up with nasty crazy messages. It was selfish of me to do that

 

I am definitely going to start reading self-help books and meditation is something I also want to try.

[Simon Phoenix]

Hiya EM thanks for your message. I do understand what you're saying, thanks for sharing your story. If i'm honest I dont think me blocking him will bother him at all because he is way past that stage of caring now, he thinks he made the right decision so thats fine. I think if I block him I need to do it for me so I dont still have him in the back of my mind when I'm on facebook.

 

I am really going to try to build up the courage and strength to block him, I dont know if i'm even ready to do it yet but thats not to say that I dont want to. Its the last means of him contacting me. I am moving in a month so he wont know where I live. I think I just kept thinking that if i can delete him without having to block him it shows how strong I am, but maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way??

 

Yes, you are looking at it the wrong way. The very wrong way. The fundamental flaw in your logic is that you are trying to present a certain front to him. And that's not what you should be doing. You need to stop trying to look a certain way and do what's best for you and your recovery. And that is blocking and removing every lifeline you have to him. Because that just gives you an opportunity to re-do the crazy.

[Heartbroken_84]

Yes, you are looking at it the wrong way. The very wrong way. The fundamental flaw in your logic is that you are trying to present a certain front to him. And that's not what you should be doing. You need to stop trying to look a certain way and do what's best for you and your recovery. And that is blocking and removing every lifeline you have to him. Because that just gives you an opportunity to re-do the crazy.

 

I know you're right, just finding it hard to actually do. I think the reality of it is until my exam is done (in 1 week) I dont think I have the strength to do it. After my exam I think I will feel a huge sense of relief and courage, I'm feeling weak, and anxious and vulnerable just. I wont contact him but i think until i get my exam out the way and actually know I am graduating then I will feel a whole lot better and find the strength to do it. I know that sounds like a cop out, but do you understand what I mean?

[Heartbroken_84]

I cant stand the thought of him being with another girl, its tearing me apart. Every time I feel a bit better I end up thinking of him with someone else and its eating me up. I dont know how to deal with it i'm just so devastated. Even when I'm doing something or trying to keep busy thats all I can think about,him with another girl. I'm falling to pieces

[KS11]

Hi Heartbroken,

 

I know exactly how you feel about imagining them being with someone else. I've woken up this morning feeling and thinking the exact same thing. I wish there was a way to make it stop, but I can't imagine being a place where picturing her waking up next to someone else doesn't make me feel sick!

 

Its only been 4 days nc for me and I can just feel this pain building and building. I don't know whether its because its a really sunny day today, it just makes me think of all those days we used to spend together and now it'll never happen again. It sounds really bad, but even when I'm with my friends, all the time I just wish I was with her.

 

I feel so close to just messaging her right now. In the past she's always said she's unsure whether she's made the right decision to end things...I just want to text so bad, maybe she feels that way again but is too afraid to make the first move.

 

I wish I could be of more help to you! It's just so hard isn't it. I hate how we pour everything in to the other person and they get to check out when they want and carry on with their life without all this pain. Doesn't feel right!

[Heartbroken_84]

Hi Heartbroken,

 

I know exactly how you feel about imagining them being with someone else. I've woken up this morning feeling and thinking the exact same thing. I wish there was a way to make it stop, but I can't imagine being a place where picturing her waking up next to someone else doesn't make me feel sick!

 

Its only been 4 days nc for me and I can just feel this pain building and building. I don't know whether its because its a really sunny day today, it just makes me think of all those days we used to spend together and now it'll never happen again. It sounds really bad, but even when I'm with my friends, all the time I just wish I was with her.

 

I feel so close to just messaging her right now. In the past she's always said she's unsure whether she's made the right decision to end things...I just want to text so bad, maybe she feels that way again but is too afraid to make the first move.

 

I wish I could be of more help to you! It's just so hard isn't it. I hate how we pour everything in to the other person and they get to check out when they want and carry on with their life without all this pain. Doesn't feel right!

 

Hi KS, I know exactly how u feel its just awful. The pain seems to be increasing as each day passes, rather than decreasing. Its so difficult. I empathise with you, its day 6 for me and it feels like a lifetime already.

 

Dont message her, I know u really want to but DONT do it. U will just have to re-start the process and ul regret it immensely. Think of how bad ure feeling just now, well ul feel 100 times worse if u break NC. So DONT do it!

 

Yeah I'm having one of those days where its so sunny outside and all I can think about is him and the fun times we had. Its agonizing to be honest. Especially when I know how strong he is, I know he'l be fine. Its got to the point where I keep telling myself that if I hadnt criticized him or made mistakes then we wouldnt have argued and it wouldnt have escalated to him breaking up with me and his feelings changing. I keep thinking if 'I hadnt done this' 'if i hadnt done that' BUT the truth of the matter is, its not all me. He is majorly flawed when it comes to his way of dealing with situations. He cant handle any kind of conflict or emotion. The amount of times he made me cry because of how cold he was to me or because I felt like my love wasnt being reciprocated.

 

My point is its NOT all our fault or doing. I am typing this yet I still cant seem to digest it and help myself. Of course I'm saying this but I'm still blaming myself and beating myself up over everything. Its just our mind plays tricks on us. And if you have low self-esteem and self-worth it makes it even harder to believe how special you are, especially when the love of ure life rejected you so obviously ddint think you were special enough. It sucks, i feel your pain

[BC1980]

I cant stand the thought of him being with another girl, its tearing me apart. Every time I feel a bit better I end up thinking of him with someone else and its eating me up. I dont know how to deal with it i'm just so devastated. Even when I'm doing something or trying to keep busy thats all I can think about,him with another girl. I'm falling to pieces

 

Don't torture yourself with those thoughts. It's normal to feel that way, but don't give into those ideas. It's one of the worst things you can do because it's all based on assumption and that which has nothing to do with you.

[Heartbroken_84]

Don't torture yourself with those thoughts. It's normal to feel that way, but don't give into those ideas. It's one of the worst things you can do because it's all based on assumption and that which has nothing to do with you.

 

I'm really trying BC. Its just so hard

[ponchsox]

I'm really trying BC. Its just so hard

 

HB, please get off this forum for a while. Go for a long walk or hike, visit family, take a vacation. Forget about him for just a little while. Yes, it's going to take time to get over him. But you need YOU time right now. Nobody should have this much power over your hapiness.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

I'm really trying BC. Its just so hard

 

 

What exactly are you DOING by trying?

 

Sitting in obsession isn't trying. Getting up and going to a therapist, 12 step meeting, talk with a friend, walking a dog, volunteering to help others IS trying.

 

Have you taken any of that action?

[BC1980]

I'm really trying BC. Its just so hard

 

Last fall, I remember thinking that if I found out my ex was with someone else, it would completely do me in. I wouldn't be able to cope. That was the last time I ever thought about him with someone else because there is no point in it. You're going to think about your ex, and there is no way you cannot. I think the best advice I read was that when your ex comes to mind, decide what you feel in that moment. Anger, sadness, betrayal, lonely, ect. Then, journal about why you feel that way and try to turn it into something constructive. How can you avoid getting yourself into a situation where this won't happen again?

 

With thoughts of him and someone else, I would say to just flat out reroute your thoughts, but, when you come upon more complex thoughts that deal with the relationship ending, it does you well to wade through the mess and deal with them. You've got to make sense of all of this in order to get over it. If you are focused on simply avoiding the thoughts, it becomes like an obsession. You focus on it more. You need to make your time and thoughts more constructive.

 

Right now, you are in the very beginning, so your emotions are everywhere. I remember having anxiety, which was a new experience for me. Mornings were very hard, so I had to work to get myself going. If you can get yourself into a routine, that helps too. You need to be proactive about planning things to put your emotions into, so you aren't stewing in depression all day.

[Heartbroken_84]

I've definitely hit an all time low. If this is what depression feels like I must be depressed.

[BC1980]

I've definitely hit an all time low. If this is what depression feels like I must be depressed.

 

Heck, I was depressed for about 3 months. Right now, you are in the midst of a lot of emotions, and it's so raw in the beginning. It's so bad. I couldn't eat, had anxiety, and I am one of the most laid back people you will meet. Now that I'm in a much calmer place, I look back at those months and realize how little I knew about the grieving process.

 

I was all over the place in the beginning. Your emotions will go back and forth for a few months at least. I would walk around in an absolute rage for a few days. Then, I would go into a depression and want to call into work for the next week. I would feel like there was no reason to get up in the morning, and I would try to convince myself we could be friends. I went about a year without really enjoying anything in my life. I went on an awesome trip to Sedona, AZ, a place I've wanted to go for awhile, and I didn't enjoy it that much. I remember sitting in the hotel room and crying the first night I got there.

 

A book that really helped me was "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Eliot. Just try to get into a routine each day, so you can have something to order your days. Also, try to be around other people if possible because it makes you feel more a part of life.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey, I wanted to post to tell you that you really shouldn't be broken up about acting "crazy" because from my own experience, that doesn't say anything about the woman you will grow to become. I once dated an ex who I was very in love with, and when he broke up with me, not only did I send him a bunch of text messages, but I also mailed him letters, made phone calls, and the worst one: followed him on to his bus ride home when he wanted nothing more than to get the heck away from me. I acted so foolish and was very depressed for a long time- I felt like I wanted to sleep forever. But then, I decided to put my pain into a goal (at the time it was joining the military. I never did end up joining, but the goal itself got my mind off things and empowered me). Then after deciding not to join, within a couple months I met someone else and had a short relationship, had a couple flings after that, took a summer to focus on myself with no dating, then finally met my current boyfriend. By that time (actually, way before it) the original guy in question had become a speck in my mind. And what's more, whenever he saw me around he would try to talk to me and ask me to hang out with him. But I am genuinely uninterested. So clearly my past crazy behavior has no bearing on his view of me today. Today when he sees me around, he says he sees a confidence in me that he didn't before. You need to find that for yourself. One day he'll see you around again and he'll be surprised that you're doing great without him. And you might be surprised that you'll prefer it that way.

[emotionalMess]

I know you're right, just finding it hard to actually do. I think the reality of it is until my exam is done (in 1 week) I dont think I have the strength to do it. After my exam I think I will feel a huge sense of relief and courage, I'm feeling weak, and anxious and vulnerable just. I wont contact him but i think until i get my exam out the way and actually know I am graduating then I will feel a whole lot better and find the strength to do it. I know that sounds like a cop out, but do you understand what I mean?

 

Delete your Facebook account for now. You can download all of your stuff before doing it, save it then upload it again when you are ready to create a new account.

 

I did it, and it was such a relief.

 

One day your going to check his profile and see the new girl. Do you want that?

 

Send a message to all of your facebook friends saying that you are taking some time off of Facebook for a while to focus on other things. Tell them that you just wanted to let them know so they do not think you are blocking them.

 

Nobody here will advise you to do anything to try and get him back but the truth is the more you leave the door open, the less likely he will miss you. That's just how humans behave.

 

Look, you are a lot stronger (and smarter) than me and many others who would have gobbled up that breadcrumb in an instant that early after the breakup.

 

You are a strong person and on the right track.

[dome]

Not sure if anyone has mentioned it but an excellent book on some of the brain's responses to heartbreak puts you right on the money. Panic, irrational behaviours etc. That does not excuse it but it sure helps one understand it. While not as drastic in many ways your experience/s mirror that of many including myself. The book is called Heartbreak" Author Ginette Paris, Phd. There are some clips on youtube with her touching on the neurological response to said heartbreak. Have a look. Hang in there.

[Heartbroken_84]

Heck, I was depressed for about 3 months. Right now, you are in the midst of a lot of emotions, and it's so raw in the beginning. It's so bad. I couldn't eat, had anxiety, and I am one of the most laid back people you will meet. Now that I'm in a much calmer place, I look back at those months and realize how little I knew about the grieving process.

 

I was all over the place in the beginning. Your emotions will go back and forth for a few months at least. I would walk around in an absolute rage for a few days. Then, I would go into a depression and want to call into work for the next week. I would feel like there was no reason to get up in the morning, and I would try to convince myself we could be friends. I went about a year without really enjoying anything in my life. I went on an awesome trip to Sedona, AZ, a place I've wanted to go for awhile, and I didn't enjoy it that much. I remember sitting in the hotel room and crying the first night I got there.

 

A book that really helped me was "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Eliot. Just try to get into a routine each day, so you can have something to order your days. Also, try to be around other people if possible because it makes you feel more a part of life.

 

Hi BC, thanks for this message it made me feel so much better. Its just nice to hear that people can relate to these feelings, its almost like I cant imagine anyone feeling worse than I do now, but of course there are people that do. I'm not the only one.

 

Yeah its only been 7 days but i feel like I am still stuck in the shock stage! Although earlier I was thinking to myself, '**** this is actually happening to me'!! Today is the first day i left the house, went to the library to study for my exam next week and although I did find it helped getting out, my mind still kept wondering and it was so hard to focus!

 

It sounds like you found it tough for a while, that makes me feel better. Sorry i dont mean to sound bad when I say that, i just mean its reassuring to know that it can take people a while because I think it will also take me a long time to get over him!

 

I ordered that book! Cant wait to get it, I am really looking forward to reading it.

 

I saw lots of couple today and it was like a knife in the heart! I know its just my mind playing tricks on me thou, eugh.

[Heartbroken_84]

Delete your Facebook account for now. You can download all of your stuff before doing it, save it then upload it again when you are ready to create a new account.

 

I did it, and it was such a relief.

 

One day your going to check his profile and see the new girl. Do you want that?

 

Send a message to all of your facebook friends saying that you are taking some time off of Facebook for a while to focus on other things. Tell them that you just wanted to let them know so they do not think you are blocking them.

 

Nobody here will advise you to do anything to try and get him back but the truth is the more you leave the door open, the less likely he will miss you. That's just how humans behave.

 

Look, you are a lot stronger (and smarter) than me and many others who would have gobbled up that breadcrumb in an instant that early after the breakup.

 

You are a strong person and on the right track.

 

Hey EM, I have been thinking a lot and I think i am just gona bite the bullet and block him. I know that its imperative that I do so for my own well being. I just didnt want to actually admit the fact that I think part of me was wanting to leave that window open for him to contact me. I cant do that to myself though, because he may never contact me so i would just be waiting for something that isnt going to happen, and in the mean time harming myself.

 

So i am going to block him, I've decided. I'l probably burst into tears again, the same way i did when I unfriended him. Eugh. But I know it needs to be done.

 

Thanks so much for your patience everyone and advice. Its just such a difficult time as u all will know from your own experience.

 

And thankyou EM it was really hard not replying to his message, and even today I got to a point earlier where I was desperate to message him but I didnt and I know I cant.

 

The more I read the positive posts on this forum the stronger I feel. Its really touching to read such empowering and motivational posts!!! It really helps me

 

I was even thinking 'you know what he is a fool for letting me go!' (despite my crazy behaviour. But just generally I believe that he is the one that has lost out!

[BC1980]

Hi BC, thanks for this message it made me feel so much better. Its just nice to hear that people can relate to these feelings, its almost like I cant imagine anyone feeling worse than I do now, but of course there are people that do. I'm not the only one.

 

Yeah its only been 7 days but i feel like I am still stuck in the shock stage! Although earlier I was thinking to myself, '**** this is actually happening to me'!! Today is the first day i left the house, went to the library to study for my exam next week and although I did find it helped getting out, my mind still kept wondering and it was so hard to focus!

 

It sounds like you found it tough for a while, that makes me feel better. Sorry i dont mean to sound bad when I say that, i just mean its reassuring to know that it can take people a while because I think it will also take me a long time to get over him!

 

I ordered that book! Cant wait to get it, I am really looking forward to reading it.

 

I saw lots of couple today and it was like a knife in the heart! I know its just my mind playing tricks on me thou, eugh.

 

I'm glad you got that book. It helped me a lot. One of my friends is a counselor, and she told me that people just need to know that whatever they are feeling, it's okay. It's okay to feel what you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling a certain way. It helped a lot because I felt guilt for being angry or mad at myself for caring so much. I also had the same problem as you in that I was worried what he would think if I went NC. I was lucky that he didn't do FB, but I still struggled with not accepting friendship and completely cutting him off. I realized that I was only worried about those things because of how I might look to him. In my heart, I knew that I needed to do those things for me to heal, and I was finally able to prioritize my needs and cut him off. Doing so actually boosted my self-esteem because I was only concerned with my healing and moving on. It feels good to be in NC after you have been doing it for awhile.

[BC1980]

So i am going to block him, I've decided. I'l probably burst into tears again, the same way i did when I unfriended him. Eugh. But I know it needs to be done.

 

It's just a formality, but it's okay to get upset over it. I remember deleting my ex's phone number out of my phone, which was literally the last thing I had to do. I was upset for a few minutes, and that was it. It was over, and I went about my day. I don't even think of it now. Blocking him on FB only symbolizes what you want it to. Just like keeping his number in my phone meant only what I wanted it it. In the end, it meant nothing because the relationship had been over for some time.

[Heartbroken_84]

Hey, I wanted to post to tell you that you really shouldn't be broken up about acting "crazy" because from my own experience, that doesn't say anything about the woman you will grow to become. I once dated an ex who I was very in love with, and when he broke up with me, not only did I send him a bunch of text messages, but I also mailed him letters, made phone calls, and the worst one: followed him on to his bus ride home when he wanted nothing more than to get the heck away from me. I acted so foolish and was very depressed for a long time- I felt like I wanted to sleep forever. But then, I decided to put my pain into a goal (at the time it was joining the military. I never did end up joining, but the goal itself got my mind off things and empowered me). Then after deciding not to join, within a couple months I met someone else and had a short relationship, had a couple flings after that, took a summer to focus on myself with no dating, then finally met my current boyfriend. By that time (actually, way before it) the original guy in question had become a speck in my mind. And what's more, whenever he saw me around he would try to talk to me and ask me to hang out with him. But I am genuinely uninterested. So clearly my past crazy behavior has no bearing on his view of me today. Today when he sees me around, he says he sees a confidence in me that he didn't before. You need to find that for yourself. One day he'll see you around again and he'll be surprised that you're doing great without him. And you might be surprised that you'll prefer it that way.

 

Hey DWBH, thanks for your post its really good to get your insight!

 

I can totally relate, and yes as soon as my exam is done I am going to focus on enjoying myself and do something I have never done before. I was thinking of bungee jumping LOL. Totally out my comfort zone but I think it would be good for me!

 

I cant imagine even dating though just now or being intimate with anyone else, makes my stomach churn I like the fact that your ex meant nothing to you though after you had worked on yourself and given yourself time to heal. I hope I can feel like that too, but I cant imagine that happening for a long time yet. Because I am moving to England he wont actually see me or bump into me or even know what I'm doing or if I'm happy, which is a bit annoying but i guess it doesnt matter if he knows whether I'm happy and moved on. The important thing is for me to forget about what he will be thinking!!!!! I keep trying to drum that into my brain! It doesnt matter what he thinks anymore!!!

 

I hope you are right and I hope that one day I actually dont hurt when I think about this break up. I cant wait for that day!!!!!!!!

[Heartbroken_84]

It's just a formality, but it's okay to get upset over it. I remember deleting my ex's phone number out of my phone, which was literally the last thing I had to do. I was upset for a few minutes, and that was it. It was over, and I went about my day. I don't even think of it now. Blocking him on FB only symbolizes what you want it to. Just like keeping his number in my phone meant only what I wanted it it. In the end, it meant nothing because the relationship had been over for some time.

 

Omg I blocked him!!!!!! That was so difficult!!!! I feel so spiteful :(:(:(

 

Its such a horrible feeling. I know it was the right thing to do but it was horrible he is gona think I'm a bitch why do i care i'm so annoyed at myself for caring. He is actually gona think I am spiteful, dramatic and just all the things he already thinks about me. Eugh.

[Heartbroken_84]

I feel so guilty!!!!!! Why!???????? :(

[Heartbroken_84]

Guys knowing him he will think that I deactivated my account, he wont even realise that I've blocked him. This is exactly what he's gona be thinking

 

'She must be in such a bad way if she had to deactivate her facebook account'

 

Eugh so annoying!!!!!!

 

(I do realise I need to get a grip)

 

Its just annoying hes gona think im sitting at home crying over him so deactivated my account. When i do actually move on and I'm happy he wont even know, he'l think I'm still upset and that I cant go on without him. The anger i have towards him!!!!!!!