This sucks.

[BetrayedH]

Believe me I understand the ego. I remember thinking way back when the first time around to myself... What!!! how can he do this to me... I am such a beautiful woman. She has got nothing on me.

 

But you know what.. I think that unfortunately in the case of our WS who have had great people in their lives just lack true appreciation and respect. This is where they screw up and take us for granted.

 

It's strange because they must have really thought they were prizes in our eyes or maybe someone else's. Little did they know we were the hidden treasures.

 

Sooner or later they want it back. You made a great choice. She'll never play with your jewels again! lol

 

Lol is right.

 

I definitely think she lacked an appreciation for what she had. While successful, she's overconfident and way too self-entitled. It runs in the family. Nothing and no one is good enough for them. I don't even see it as a competition with the OM (I never really did compare myself to him); she just wanted "more." This was about her, not me (or him).

 

Now I don't know what it is that she has. She has no husband. I suppose she can enjoy the freedom of being a tramp on the days I have the kids. But does she want nothing else of substance and value for the years ahead? How is it so easy to discard a perfectly good husband? Perhaps that's the big part of the ego blow - that I just don't get it and so I am left wondering if it really was just something so lacking in me that she'd rather be with no one.

 

Fortunately, I care less and less as time goes by. I wouldn't care about it at all by now if I could just extricate her entirely; instead, we're raising children together.

[underpants]

I do have a GF and we've been seeing each other for about two years now. My exwife actually requested to meet with her and they did so about a year ago. They were amicable with one another. My exwife has since also agreed that I would have an opportunity to meet any man that would be involved with our children's lives. Appearances seem to suggest that she's remained single but honestly, I'm not watching closely. I figure she gets her needs met frequently enough. I just care about the kids. If she stays single and just fools around when the kids aren't home, so be it. This approach would also help preserve her image in front of the kids (which is supposedly pretty important to her).

 

This seems reasonable. Its over, and that seems reasonable.

 

The first month or so in my new relationship was kinda rough. She was ridiculously understanding and straight up volunteered transparency and even cc'd me on NC emails to a couple guys she'd recently dated. Still, I found myself with thoughts of tracking her to see if she was going where she said, etc.. But I made a very conscious decision to stop that crap dead in its tracks. It's one thing to track a wayward spouse that's volunteering it; it's something else to do it with a new GF. Besides that, she simply wasn't the woman that had done this to me. The combination of her transparency and my commitment to rid myself of hypervigilance did the trick. It's not to say that we don't have our problems but they are different.

 

Okay.

 

2 years BH.

 

Would you and your ego feel better if the new girlfriend just dumped you, for being ...you? Think about that, really. Its easy to stay in an angry place when there is an external target, but if you are the perceived target that is a sticky wicket. You have to then look at unpleasant things about yourself. Yikes! I fear that is where you are headed, if you can't find 'meh' about the ex and appreciate, love even how you came to where you are right now, real quick. Life throws us a lot of curves, how are you handling / reacting to this one?

 

Hey I like you, but come on. Why let your ex ruin your future? That is silly.

 

Time, it is a wasting...

 

You are only allowed so much down time on the field, get up and walk that shat off for gawd sakes.

 

Perhaps you should be alone for a while? Because using someone else to ease your pain, while you are clearly not over it, is really no better than cheating IMHO. You are using someone while not fully invested and thus going against the very idea you rail against.

 

I hope you see that my words are not conveyed to be mean, just a perspective that has not yet been considered.

 

All the best.

[BetrayedH]

This seems reasonable. Its over, and that seems reasonable.

 

 

 

Okay.

 

2 years BH.

 

Would you and your ego feel better if the new girlfriend just dumped you, for being ...you? Think about that, really. Its easy to stay in an angry place when there is an external target, but if you are the perceived target that is a sticky wicket. You have to then look at unpleasant things about yourself. Yikes! I fear that is where you are headed, if you can't find 'meh' about the ex and appreciate, love even how you came to where you are right now, real quick. Life throws us a lot of curves, how are you handling / reacting to this one?

 

Hey I like you, but come on. Why let your ex ruin your future? That is silly.

 

Time, it is a wasting...

 

You are only allowed so much down time on the field, get up and walk that shat off for gawd sakes.

 

Perhaps you should be alone for a while? Because using someone else to ease your pain, while you are clearly not over it, is really no better than cheating IMHO. You are using someone while not fully invested and thus going against the very idea you rail against.

 

I hope you see that my words are not conveyed to be mean, just a perspective that has not yet been considered.

 

All the best.

 

Not offended. And you're not the first to suggest that my continued analysis of all of this could affect my current relationship. I'm paying attention.

 

In my view, my GF understands that this continued analysis on my part has nothing to do with any kind of (searching for the word...) lament on my part about the loss of my wife. There are no lingering "feelings" for her. There's no nostalgia. Even my GF is at the point now where she has a serious distaste for my ex because she sees the continued daggers that are thrown in my direction. And really, that is the primary source of my angst these days; if my ex was a neutral influence then I'd be much better about things. I'm all good with moving on. Instead, she instigates. She pushes buttons that aren't legal violations of our agreement as no one but a former spouse can. It just never ends.

[underpants]

In my view, my GF understands that this continued analysis on my part has nothing to do with any kind of (searching for the word...) lament on my part about the loss of my wife. There are no lingering "feelings" for her. There's no nostalgia. Even my GF is at the point now where she has a serious distaste for my ex because she sees the continued daggers that are thrown in my direction. And really, that is the primary source of my angst these days; if my ex was a neutral influence then I'd be much better about things. I'm all good with moving on. Instead, she instigates. She pushes buttons that aren't legal violations of our agreement as no one but a former spouse can. It just never ends.

 

Well, she must be a good and patient catch.

 

It ends when you stop giving power to it, simply. If you no longer have those buttons she can't push them. She does it simply because it works.

 

Parallel parent and put boundaries up for very limited communication, such as email only, or family wizard.

 

Best of luck friend.

[Furious]

Not offended. And you're not the first to suggest that my continued analysis of all of this could affect my current relationship. I'm paying attention.

 

In my view, my GF understands that this continued analysis on my part has nothing to do with any kind of (searching for the word...) lament on my part about the loss of my wife. There are no lingering "feelings" for her. There's no nostalgia. Even my GF is at the point now where she has a serious distaste for my ex because she sees the continued daggers that are thrown in my direction. And really, that is the primary source of my angst these days; if my ex was a neutral influence then I'd be much better about things. I'm all good with moving on. Instead, she instigates. She pushes buttons that aren't legal violations of our agreement as no one but a former spouse can. It just never ends.

 

 

It's obvious your ex wife is spiteful and instigates friction despite the fact she was responsible for breaking up your marriage and family. It's as though she can't stand the thought of you moving on and finding happiness without her.

 

BH....she put you through hell with a false reconciliation, pushed you to the limit, and yet she keeps digging at you and pushing your buttons continually. You'd think if a mother cared for her children she'd not continuously give the father of her children trouble. If she really cared for your children she'd make an effort to be amicable with their father instead of nit picking over non-violations that are a waste of emotional energy.

I get the feeling she resents you moving on and finding happiness. You were the scapegoat for so long, without you to blame she'd have to look in the mirror.

[jnel921]

Underpants, this experience doesn't ruin our futures. It is traumatizing.

 

Recently I went to see my H's grandmother who is beginning to show signs of short term memory loss and dementia.

 

While we were there, she recognizes my H , then 5 minutes later called him by his brothers name, then his Fathers name. It was really sad to see.

 

She was sitting there having these forgetful conversations with us. But the one thing she seemed to repeat and speak of with great memory is the betrayal and abuse of her husband. When we left I was in tears. I told my H that it was a shame that this is the only part of her life that was the strongest in her memory.

 

So you see the actual betrayal goes beyond the hurt and tears. As BS we struggle to understand the reasons behind it all. There is also a who the f*** did I marry moment for us. You don't expect the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with to behave and treat you this way.

 

It's been over 17 and a half years since my XH and I split up over his infidelity. I can remember all of it like it was yesterday. But if I try and remember other things. I just can't. It's not that I have not let it go. Because I have. I know my XH' will never admit to or apologize for anything he has done. But I am happy to say I could care less about him and if I never saw him again I wouldn't care.

 

When life gives you better things. You hurt a lot less. Kids grow and eventually leave. They can have their own respective relationship with him without my involvement . I want to secure my own happiness and eventually die in peace.

Edited September 19, 2014 by jnel921

[ComingInHot]

BH wrote: Instead, she instigates. She pushes buttons that aren't legal violations of our agreement as no one but a former spouse can. It just never ends.

 

This sounds like something she just gets off on due to the control 'issue' she suffers from. No matter how much 'better' or 'happier' she believes she is, she still has to enforce that she is happier than you by trying to make you more miserable. From this thread, it's working (she can suck rocks for making you feel that way). So, it seems like the best option for you is to not allow those a$$-backward things she says and does to STAY with you and eat you up inside. Sure, it'll pi$$ you off but then, I guess just pi$$ it out from your end...

[BetrayedH]

Well, she must be a good and patient catch.

 

It ends when you stop giving power to it, simply. If you no longer have those buttons she can't push them. She does it simply because it works.

 

Parallel parent and put boundaries up for very limited communication, such as email only, or family wizard.

 

Best of luck friend.

 

Yes, my GF is a good and patient catch. I generally prefer to refrain from posting about her - she knows about the place and can chime in if she ever chooses to do so. But to give some context - I think because she is also recently divorced and in her 40s like me, she gets that having former spouse (especially one with whom I am still coparenting) is going to be a significant event and that a lot of processing is going to happen. She's still processing her divorce, too. We don't fight it or hide it. In fact, I'd say that we kinda bond over it because it is something we do together, not separate. I also see a big effort in her not to repeat the mistakes she made in her previous marriage and I am of a very similar mindset.

 

As for my "buttons" being pushed, I'm working on it. And trust me, we are the textbook example of only utilizing written communication as much as possible. She just manages to spin a lot of things with the kids as my fault. I ignore A LOT. But at the same time, I am somewhat compelled to defend myself at least in writing for the sake of documentation in the event of a future attempt on her part to get full custody of the kids. It gets OLD and it never stops. She just sent me an email about a "not very nutritious packed lunch" I gave my son. I'm freaking tired of responding to this crap.

[RightThere]

She just sent me an email about a "not very nutritious packed lunch" I gave my son. I'm freaking tired of responding to this crap.

 

Why would you respond to it?!?!?!

 

Read, delete, then shake your head.

 

I have to say the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" does help a bit with the release of not playing her game.

[drifter777]

As for my "buttons" being pushed, I'm working on it. And trust me, we are the textbook example of only utilizing written communication as much as possible. She just manages to spin a lot of things with the kids as my fault. I ignore A LOT. But at the same time, I am somewhat compelled to defend myself at least in writing for the sake of documentation in the event of a future attempt on her part to get full custody of the kids. It gets OLD and it never stops. She just sent me an email about a "not very nutritious packed lunch" I gave my son. I'm freaking tired of responding to this crap.

Something you should try hard to remember is that soon your kids will want to stay with you most of the time. Like all kid, they will rebel against mom because she has nurtured them. When they both reach the "mom treats me like a child" stage - and they will - you have the choice of interceding on her behalf or supporting your kids and filling for primary custody. It could get so bad she just gives it to you without a fight.

 

Just know this time is coming; maybe it helps you get through the bullsh*t days.

[BetrayedH]

It's obvious your ex wife is spiteful and instigates friction despite the fact she was responsible for breaking up your marriage and family. It's as though she can't stand the thought of you moving on and finding happiness without her.

 

BH....she put you through hell with a false reconciliation, pushed you to the limit, and yet she keeps digging at you and pushing your buttons continually. You'd think if a mother cared for her children she'd not continuously give the father of her children trouble. If she really cared for your children she'd make an effort to be amicable with their father instead of nit picking over non-violations that are a waste of emotional energy.

I get the feeling she resents you moving on and finding happiness. You were the scapegoat for so long, without you to blame she'd have to look in the mirror.

 

I definitely have been thinking that there's some resentment about me moving on so quickly and yeah, it makes her the victim. As you've aptly pointed out, it's a very convenient distraction from her, um, contributions. Always appreciate your posts, Furious.

[Furious]

I definitely have been thinking that there's some resentment about me moving on so quickly and yeah, it makes her the victim. As you've aptly pointed out, it's a very convenient distraction from her, um, contributions. Always appreciate your posts, Furious.

 

BH....you've been a voice for reason and empathy and continue to help others here. It really bugs me that your ex keeps harping on you. I wish she'd respect you, as it would be beneficial in the best interest of your children.

 

Your ex is a%#****#, if you know what I mean.

 

document...document....and keep your interactions by email. keep your focus on not allowing her to bait you.

 

Hugs BH, you're a great man and dad.

[BetrayedH]

Something you should try hard to remember is that soon your kids will want to stay with you most of the time. Like all kid, they will rebel against mom because she has nurtured them. When they both reach the "mom treats me like a child" stage - and they will - you have the choice of interceding on her behalf or supporting your kids and filling for primary custody. It could get so bad she just gives it to you without a fight.

 

Just know this time is coming; maybe it helps you get through the bullsh*t days.

 

Sadly, I'm not so sure. My exwife has a close and successful nuclear family. My children have their grandparents within walking distance as well as their uncle. They're a tight group and all three households are well-off. I'm the outlier and frankly, hoping to keep my head afloat. They're all planning a trip to Italy next year; my exinlaws go annually (as well as to St. Maarten). It's a nice lifestyle. My children will always have a special bond with me but I'm not sure that they would reject their mother, or that I would support it. One place I know you're wrong is in regards to her giving up custody. She's waiting for me to fold. We can hope I'm wrong.

[DasPope]

Never fold ... ever. It's important to be the last man standing in these situations.

Think of a post divorce co-parenting relationship like a couple of business partners that no longer see eye to eye but still have the business to run. THe only part where you have to be functional with each other is the business itself. The rest you can just throw away it's worthless to your future.

Life has a way of turning roses into weeds and weeds back into roses ....

[Arieswoman]

BH you said,

 

I feel a need to say that, as a former betrayed spouse, this whole thing sucks. Damn it, I was a damn good husband and a damn good father and I didn't deserve this bullshi.t and neither did my kids.

 

I feel your pain, anger and resentment, and I am sure that many of us on here do as well. No, you didn't deserve this, no BS does.

 

I think it took me about 2 years to feel "normal" again after my WS's betrayal and the subsiquent divorce. Be patient with yourself - it does get better I promise.

 

The only person's behaviour that you can control is your own, so you are not responsible for anything WW does. The kids will eventually grow up and then make a decision as to who they want to spend more time with. If they have any sense they will gravitate towards the one who is steady and reliable.

[ComingInHot]

So as those of you who are on the other side of the A in terms of D and either now with a new partner or Married, looking at this behavior from another grown adult who happened to be your spouse at one point, doesn't it make you thankful in any small way that you aren't still with that person and their behavior?

I am personally HAPPY for you fellows here that are in wonderful, better, healthy, honest (I can keep going*) relationships!!

[BetrayedH]

doesn't it make you thankful in any small way that you aren't still with that person and their behavior?

 

I'm in agreement with the new guy. It was also a 'forest for the trees' situation for me. It took a while of being separated from it to realize what nonsense I had put up with for years. She always had an aire of superiority and I always brushed it off because it wasn't a competition for me. She might be opinionated but it didn't change my opinion and I didn't need to change hers either. I didn't much care to win, so to speak. It wasn't until I was away from her that I was like, "Wow, who talks to people like that?" It became particularly apparent once I was in a new relationship and my GF truly valued, respected, and appreciated me. Now when the ex tries to get under my skin, I feel a need to communicate to her that she's crossing a boundary that she no longer has the right to cross because I'm no longer tolerating that kind of treatment. It's somewhat of a constant internal battle, trying to decide if I enforce my boundaries of acceptable treatment or if I just refuse to engage. I usually opt for the latter. Still a work in progress.

[Steen719]

I understand this. If I still had to talk to my XH about anything, he would be doing this to me. My son is old enough and out in another area of the country on his own and I do not have to talk to talk to XH about anything. He pushed and pushed, was nasty, tried to be controlling and then intermittently nice to me. UGH It was all to elicit some response from me and after 3 years, you would think he would quit blaming me for his affairs; but no way. I finally had to tell him to leave me alone or the threatening texts he sent me would be used against him. They were all generic- "you'll get yours" kind of texts. I know things about him, though, and he knows I know, so I have some leverage. He does not want them known by his son (not that I would ever hurt my son this way).

 

Anyway, I know what you mean by this and I am grateful that I don't have to communicate with him about children's issues as I'm sure I would get the same treatment. Punish us for moving on from them after they cheated on us. It's sad to me- pathetic, which is how I view him.

 

Good luck. We all know the reasons; it's just hard to implement the patience it takes to put up with such a**nine behavior.

[dichotomy]

The religion angle has always been a major thorn in my side with my wife's adultery and other past behavior. Major arguments with her on the nature of sin, adultery and marriage vows from a Christian view, I was wise enough that both therapist I chose for us/her where christian based, the first one very much so and got my wife to finally use the words "ok I committed adultery and it was hurtful" that was several years ago, and the crack in my wife's bull***** shield - that helped me stay on and continue to try to resolve things. I will say however these battles have tarnished my own faith a bit, but thats starting to get too of topic.

[Clay]

I have learned alot after being cheated on. I am biased to some degree but I learned about myself as well. I do feel my life is better without my xW in my life. I feel my kids lives are better as well. I wished there was someway I could just remove her from there lives altogether but all I can do now is try to encourage them to be honest decent people. Life does when you get away from a cheater. They are toxic on so many levels.

 

I am glad to see others have freed themselves of these horrible people as well.

 

There honestly should be a Government Sponsored Database where you can check on these people before you enter into a mental/ physical/ financial relationship with any one.

 

Thanks for sharing your lives It helps me get past my issues.

 

Clay

[BetrayedH]

The religion angle has always been a major thorn in my side with my wife's adultery and other past behavior. Major arguments with her on the nature of sin, adultery and marriage vows from a Christian view, I was wise enough that both therapist I chose for us/her where christian based, the first one very much so and got my wife to finally use the words "ok I committed adultery and it was hurtful" that was several years ago, and the crack in my wife's bull***** shield - that helped me stay on and continue to try to resolve things. I will say however these battles have tarnished my own faith a bit, but thats starting to get too of topic.

 

I should say that I don't disrespect Catholics or people of faith. I'm just agnostic; I just don't know the answers. If you think you do and have faith in it, more power to you. I also respect that I'm in a distinct minority.

 

My wife was a hypocrit. I suppose I've been one, too. I'm permitting my kids to be raised Catholic. They know I'm not one. I just hope they never hide behind religion as I've seen happen too much in this family.

[dichotomy]

I should say that I don't disrespect Catholics or people of faith. I'm just agnostic; I just don't know the answers. If you think you do and have faith in it, more power to you. I also respect that I'm in a distinct minority.

 

My wife was a hypocrit. I suppose I've been one, too. I'm permitting my kids to be raised Catholic. They know I'm not one. I just hope they never hide behind religion as I've seen happen too much in this family.

 

 

I don't have the answers, and my faith has waivered and been up and down, including a decade never having stepped in a church. However I guess having been burned in my first marriage to an atheist who showed no remorse no regret and no sense of wrong in her cheating on me - I intentionally sought our a partner who had some faith based leanings and beliefs hoping it would protect the marriage and me from betrayal. I mean I tired to learn and choose a different wife this time.

 

Nope - my wife was (focus on was) a hypocrite when I married her, and it did not stop her from betraying me or the wives and families of the married men she was a mistress to. I guess my point was sharing with you maybe my frustration over this hypocrite nature of a "religious" WW. Fortunately this specific issue was resolved partially by using women of faith as marriage therapists. In fact our current sex therapist is a faith based woman.. if nothing else I used this to call my wife on her hypocritical stances instead of me doing it. They succeeded - and it was a great moment(s) to watch this happen.

 

but I personally now believe there is no real world difference (as far as doing hurtful stuff) between those of faith and those with out. I just don't like them proclaiming one thing, but failing to be accountable for their own actions outside of the beliefs.

 

I am taking my child to Sunday school, at our church, because I do believe they are a good church and give very good life lessons to her (and adults), but I am going out for coffee while she is there and not attending adult services for now due to my issues with things.

 

Sorry to take this too far off your topic BH. You are a good man, no matter your religious beliefs.

Edited September 24, 2014 by dichotomy

[BetrayedH]

I don't have the answers, and my faith has waivered and been up and down, including a decade never having stepped in a church. However I guess having been burned in my first marriage to an atheist who showed no remorse no regret and no sense of wrong in her cheating on me - I intentionally sought our a partner who had some faith based leanings and beliefs hoping it would protect the marriage and me from betrayal. I mean I tired to learn and choose a different wife this time.

 

Nope - my wife was (focus on was) a hypocrite when I married her, and it did not stop her from betraying me or the wives and families of the married men she was a mistress to. I guess my point was sharing with you maybe my frustration over this hypocrite nature of a "religious" WW. Fortunately this specific issue was resolved partially by using women of faith as marriage therapists. In fact our current sex therapist is a faith based woman.. if nothing else I used this to call my wife on her hypocritical stances instead of me doing it. They succeeded - and it was a great moment(s) to watch this happen.

 

but I personally now believe there is no real world difference (as far as doing hurtful stuff) between those of faith and those with out. I just don't like them proclaiming one thing, but failing to be accountable for their own actions outside of the beliefs.

 

I am taking my child to Sunday school, at our church, because I do believe they are a good church and give very good life lessons to her (and adults), but I am going out for coffee while she is there and not attending adult services for now due to my issues with things.

 

Sorry to take this too far off your topic BH. You are a good man, no matter your religious beliefs.

 

I don't think it's off-topic at all. One of the things that sucks is what was previously mentioned...the inference that I'll be the only one at the table going to hell.

[Raena]

Yes it does suck. I have a iron clad memory for all the emails, comments made by my wife all those many years ago. My wife does not - easy for her to move on and live in the moment.

 

Just call me "Time Lord" because in the little blue police box of that is my mind - I am traveling about in time never staying long in the now. Anytime things are bad between us - you can hear the time machine make that noise..take off and I am back there....and my wife knows this too. Hard for both of us.

 

 

 

 

 

I like your post simply because of the reference to the good Doctor

 

Wouldn't you be better off thinking that the T.A.R.D.I.S could take you on happy adventures rather than take you back to a period of hurt and pain?

 

Not long after my ex cheated and I had my world blown up I remember thinking... now would be a really great time for that blue box to show up in my living room and take me AWAY from here... not take me back to my sorrow. Just food for thought... carry on.

[Raena]

I guess I probably should have read the WHOLE thread before posting.... lol.

 

Betrayed... I know how it is. I think that's the one thing that keeps me down is knowing that no matter what I do, my ex is always going to do something to upset me. One way or another. I'm feeling a lot like you were in June when you started this thread. Sometimes it feels like the drama will never end and I will continually have to fight to keep my boundary lines drawn so that I don't keep getting sucked back into the drama he causes with his stupidity.

 

I wish I had some words of advice but I'm still muddling through all this myself. It's not easy.