This sucks.

[txgrl]

I'm so sorry ... Hope u feel better about it soon . Best

[BetrayedH]

Thanks to all who posted.

 

And apologies for being cryptic. Just to explain...

 

It's the last week of school here and my son has several finals. We also discovered that he hasn't turned in several assignments lately and so doing well on the finals is pretty important. I've tried to communicate with the ex on several fronts but her replies are short and evasive. It's just plainly clear that she has no real interest in coparenting. She's just going to do her own thing. I can't be there to help him study or for us to make some joint decisions on discipline. It also sucks that my daughter has been sick (nothing major) and I can't be there.

 

It sounds pretty minor as I sit here and type it but I guess the thing that was getting to me is that it just never ends. There's always more bull$h!t. And my daughter is only 7 years old so it's going to go on for quite some time. I am so freaking over it. Does that matter? Not really. I'm locked into it whether I like it or not, whether I deserve it or not, and my kids are locked into it, too. I just hit a wall of frustration. It will pass.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks to all who posted.

 

And apologies for being cryptic. Just to explain...

 

It's the last week of school here and my son has several finals. We also discovered that he hasn't turned in several assignments lately and so doing well on the finals is pretty important. I've tried to communicate with the ex on several fronts but her replies are short and evasive. It's just plainly clear that she has no real interest in coparenting. She's just going to do her own thing. I can't be there to help him study or for us to make some joint decisions on discipline. It also sucks that my daughter has been sick (nothing major) and I can't be there.

 

It sounds pretty minor as I sit here and type it but I guess the thing that was getting to me is that it just never ends. There's always more bull$h!t. And my daughter is only 7 years old so it's going to go on for quite some time. I am so freaking over it. Does that matter? Not really. I'm locked into it whether I like it or not, whether I deserve it or not, and my kids are locked into it, too. I just hit a wall of frustration. It will pass.

 

BH, it isn't minor. I am too doing the 50/50 co-parenting thing and have been since 2007. We have three kids.

 

If your ex-W isn't acting in the way that is best for your kids, then document... document... document. It's ammunition should you decide to fight for primary custody.

 

I know (and have read that you know too) that if the current arrangement is 'working' then judges are really loathe to change things. But IF THEY ARE NOT - and you are starting to get that proof - then that is when you can act and you can get more control over your kids.

 

I wish you the best, and I'm so sorry for your pain.

[ChooseTruth]

Thanks to all who posted.

 

And apologies for being cryptic. Just to explain...

 

It's the last week of school here and my son has several finals. We also discovered that he hasn't turned in several assignments lately and so doing well on the finals is pretty important. I've tried to communicate with the ex on several fronts but her replies are short and evasive. It's just plainly clear that she has no real interest in coparenting. She's just going to do her own thing. I can't be there to help him study or for us to make some joint decisions on discipline. It also sucks that my daughter has been sick (nothing major) and I can't be there.

 

It sounds pretty minor as I sit here and type it but I guess the thing that was getting to me is that it just never ends. There's always more bull$h!t. And my daughter is only 7 years old so it's going to go on for quite some time. I am so freaking over it. Does that matter? Not really. I'm locked into it whether I like it or not, whether I deserve it or not, and my kids are locked into it, too. I just hit a wall of frustration. It will pass.

 

=( I had a feeling it was kids related. I'm sorry your ex is so hard to work with... If only there was a way to make her understand you need t be able to work together on the coparenting thing. It's so important to bury the hatchet and work together... Her maturity level sounds like it's just not there. You are an awesome Dad, don't give up.

[dichotomy]

Thanks to all who posted.

 

And apologies for being cryptic. Just to explain...

 

It's the last week of school here and my son has several finals. We also discovered that he hasn't turned in several assignments lately and so doing well on the finals is pretty important. I've tried to communicate with the ex on several fronts but her replies are short and evasive. It's just plainly clear that she has no real interest in coparenting. She's just going to do her own thing. I can't be there to help him study or for us to make some joint decisions on discipline. It also sucks that my daughter has been sick (nothing major) and I can't be there.

 

It sounds pretty minor as I sit here and type it but I guess the thing that was getting to me is that it just never ends. There's always more bull$h!t. And my daughter is only 7 years old so it's going to go on for quite some time. I am so freaking over it. Does that matter? Not really. I'm locked into it whether I like it or not, whether I deserve it or not, and my kids are locked into it, too. I just hit a wall of frustration. It will pass.

 

 

I am so sorry - its not minor.

 

Visions of this type of scenario played a part in my decision to stay, and still does...but my situation was much different than yours and your WW. I fully believe you made the right decision - hang in there. I am glad you have a loving GF with you.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi BH, I hope it's not inappropriate to post as I'm not a BS...

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks when someone takes a challenging situation and acts in a way to make it even more challenging. It's obvious from all your posts here you are an excellent father and that won't change regardless of how she acts. I'll be sending you positive thoughts.

[BetrayedH]

BH, it isn't minor. I am too doing the 50/50 co-parenting thing and have been since 2007. We have three kids.

 

If your ex-W isn't acting in the way that is best for your kids, then document... document... document. It's ammunition should you decide to fight for primary custody.

 

I know (and have read that you know too) that if the current arrangement is 'working' then judges are really loathe to change things. But IF THEY ARE NOT - and you are starting to get that proof - then that is when you can act and you can get more control over your kids.

 

I wish you the best, and I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

Your thoughts are appreciated. Unfortunately, my ex is quite intelligent. She knows how to ensure that she's not violating our marital settlement agreement. Everything is documented but wouldn't amount to anything more than differing opinions. As far as anyone else is concerned, the kids are 'fine' but of course, that's within a certain context. Apparently this is all just fine.

[jnel921]

Thanks to all who posted.

 

And apologies for being cryptic. Just to explain...

 

It's the last week of school here and my son has several finals. We also discovered that he hasn't turned in several assignments lately and so doing well on the finals is pretty important. I've tried to communicate with the ex on several fronts but her replies are short and evasive. It's just plainly clear that she has no real interest in coparenting. She's just going to do her own thing. I can't be there to help him study or for us to make some joint decisions on discipline. It also sucks that my daughter has been sick (nothing major) and I can't be there.

 

It sounds pretty minor as I sit here and type it but I guess the thing that was getting to me is that it just never ends. There's always more bull$h!t. And my daughter is only 7 years old so it's going to go on for quite some time. I am so freaking over it. Does that matter? Not really. I'm locked into it whether I like it or not, whether I deserve it or not, and my kids are locked into it, too. I just hit a wall of frustration. It will pass.

 

I mentioned before that the situation regarding the kids sucks the most. I wish I could tell you it gets better. Our son graduates this month and will start college in Sept. No thanks to the XH. He does not involve himself with our children's education. He was trying to convince our son to join the military since he cannot afford college. Well guess what...I can afford to send him, When we split 17 years ago, I saved money, helped and encouraged my kids educations. My XH only cared about himself and strange tail.

 

It used to bother me, but not anymore. Our kids are bigger and know who does what for whom. That is what counts. I love my kids and even though the M didn't work out I got the best part of him through those kids. Stay focused. Work on you and your own happiness. She will not matter anymore.

[tornapart2002]

My WH thought it would be funny today to put a joke up about fictional characters having an affair. Under other circumstances and written about someone else it would have been funny. Coming from him...the ******* who apparently now thinks this is all a big f.ucking joke? No...it's not f.ucking funny.

 

You're right. This sucks. Being told you were crazy and untrusting and made to feel like **** because you questioned texts he received from her on the day of his grandfather's funeral. And then having your self esteem slowly eroded because you doubted yourself every single day for a year until the truth came out. That more than sucks.

 

The fact I even have to go through this **** after everything I put into this marriage and everything I did for him..putting up with his horrible family for 12 years and always sacrificing my own feelings to keep peace.

 

Fu.cker.

 

Wish I could just fade away into nowhere.

[BetrayedH]

My WH thought it would be funny today to put a joke up about fictional characters having an affair. Under other circumstances and written about someone else it would have been funny. Coming from him...the ******* who apparently now thinks this is all a big f.ucking joke? No...it's not f.ucking funny.

 

You're right. This sucks. Being told you were crazy and untrusting and made to feel like **** because you questioned texts he received from her on the day of his grandfather's funeral. And then having your self esteem slowly eroded because you doubted yourself every single day for a year until the truth came out. That more than sucks.

 

The fact I even have to go through this **** after everything I put into this marriage and everything I did for him..putting up with his horrible family for 12 years and always sacrificing my own feelings to keep peace.

 

Fu.cker.

 

Wish I could just fade away into nowhere.

 

Sometimes you really have to wonder WTF they're thinking.

 

My wife used all sorts of hotels for mid-day rendezvous with her OM. Most of them were in a concentrated area and very near to where we worked. Hotels, and those ones in particular, were a trigger for a long time. During our reconciliation, we were driving past the area on the way home from date night and she casually asked me how my Dad had enjoyed staying at x hotel on a previous visit. She instantly realized it was a major mistake but it sure ruined the night. I managed to choke down all of the surly responses I had but couldn't sleep; I was up for hours and ended up smashing some stuff in the kitchen. Ugh.

[RightThere]

I feel a need to say that, as a former betrayed spouse, this whole thing sucks. Damn it, I was a damn good husband and a damn good father and I didn't deserve this bullshi.t and neither did my kids.

 

I'm not ashamed to admit I wasn't great at being a husband, but my punishment certainly didn't fit my crime.

 

And yeah, the whole thing sucks. The cheating and lies, D-Day, fake-reconciliation, separation, real reconciliation, it all sucks. I'm better for having gone through it, but I don't know if this was the best method to get me to this endpoint.

 

As a BS and one that still hangs in the limbo of reconciliation, I'm glad to know that this huge pile of crap called "my life" isn't unique to me.

[jnel921]

Sometimes you really have to wonder WTF they're thinking.

 

My wife used all sorts of hotels for mid-day rendezvous with her OM. Most of them were in a concentrated area and very near to where we worked. Hotels, and those ones in particular, were a trigger for a long time. During our reconciliation, we were driving past the area on the way home from date night and she casually asked me how my Dad had enjoyed staying at x hotel on a previous visit. She instantly realized it was a major mistake but it sure ruined the night. I managed to choke down all of the surly responses I had but couldn't sleep; I was up for hours and ended up smashing some stuff in the kitchen. Ugh.

 

5 years... I know it may seem long.. But you will be in a better place... I know I was. A better one!

[RightThere]

It's stuff like this that bugs me sometimes. With time things do get better, but I often wonder if it ALL ever goes away.

 

It's a scar I think we'll always wear. It will never fully go away.

 

And frankly, I'm OK that it won't. Keeps me smarter remembering how I got that scar and how it's the one and only one I'll bear.

[BetrayedH]

5 years... I know it may seem long.. But you will be in a better place... I know I was. A better one!

 

Jonah has me excited that it'd be two years from the divorce (that's coming up in October). For now, I'll live in denial and scoff at your 5 years.

[Snowflower]

BH, I'm so sorry to read that you have a had a difficult week with everything.

 

Just try to remember that her infidelity and the subsequent awful way she treated you is somewhat separate from the divorce and the issues you are now dealing with in regards to your children. The two of you could have divorced for other reasons and still had these same issues with co-parenting.

 

I know, I know, you might be thinking that if she hadn't cheated, the two of you wouldn't have gotten divorced and you wouldn't be in this current situation, separated from your children at times. But, you never know. People divorce all the time for other reasons besides cheating. A lot of marriages end in divorce these days sadly.

 

So, while it is justifiable for you to be upset about these coparenting issues (not that my thoughts mean squat ), try not to let it bring back those old feelings from her affair. They are two separate issues and you don't need to feel bad about all that stuff in the past just because you are feeling like cr!p over the current disagreements you have with her. Does this make sense?

[BetrayedH]

BH, I'm so sorry to read that you have a had a difficult week with everything.

 

Just try to remember that her infidelity and the subsequent awful way she treated you is somewhat separate from the divorce and the issues you are now dealing with in regards to your children. The two of you could have divorced for other reasons and still had these same issues with co-parenting.

 

I know, I know, you might be thinking that if she hadn't cheated, the two of you wouldn't have gotten divorced and you wouldn't be in this current situation, separated from your children at times. But, you never know. People divorce all the time for other reasons besides cheating. A lot of marriages end in divorce these days sadly.

 

So, while it is justifiable for you to be upset about these coparenting issues (not that my thoughts mean squat ), try not to let it bring back those old feelings from her affair. They are two separate issues and you don't need to feel bad about all that stuff in the past just because you are feeling like cr!p over the current disagreements you have with her. Does this make sense?

 

Makes perfect sense. It would be good to avoid conflating the two issues. Now to try to put that into application. It tough not to 'stack' the issues.

[drifter777]

Makes perfect sense. It would be good to avoid conflating the two issues. Now to try to put that into application. It tough not to 'stack' the issues.

Its beyond "tough" - I'd say nearly impossible. You don't love her anymore; in fact you feel anger and contempt toward her whether it happens to be leaking out on the days you see her or not. How can trust that everything she does is not another attempt - albeit veiled - to hurt you.

 

Remember that as children get older they tend to gravitate toward their fathers. Its because dad is less judgmental, prying, and generally more open to them growing up then mom. That has nothing to do with her cheating or the divorce, it's just human nature. Get ready for them to ask to move in with you - and by get ready I mean put some money aside for the legal action you will be filling to modify the residential schedule. Believe me on this one. Forewarned is forearmed.

[Spectre]

It does suck but then you need to focus on the one positive thing: you are no longer being fooled by this shady person who pretended to love you.

[BearMox]

...It sounds pretty minor as I sit here and type it but I guess the thing that was getting to me is that it just never ends. There's always more bull$h!t. And my daughter is only 7 years old so it's going to go on for quite some time. I am so freaking over it. Does that matter? Not really. I'm locked into it whether I like it or not, whether I deserve it or not, and my kids are locked into it, too. I just hit a wall of frustration. It will pass.

 

QFT

 

The only way we can turn a relationship with an ex into something positive is to undergo an internal job ourselves. We have to walk in goodwill toward an ex when kids are involved.

 

Its fcking hard. I believe if I can learn to extract pleasure from an enemy both can prosper. Don't underestimate the value of a frienemy.

 

5 things I've been doing that help immensely:

 

1) Do things to improve their security (i.e. regular alimony checks)

2) Do things that increase their autonomy (i.e. let them feel like you're available to babysit)

3) Be proactive in custody, alimony and child support modifications

4) Be reasonably available to him/her (i.e. don't black hole their calls/txts)

5) Always do what you say you will do

[BetrayedH]

Its beyond "tough" - I'd say nearly impossible. You don't love her anymore; in fact you feel anger and contempt toward her whether it happens to be leaking out on the days you see her or not. How can trust that everything she does is not another attempt - albeit veiled - to hurt you.

 

Remember that as children get older they tend to gravitate toward their fathers. Its because dad is less judgmental, prying, and generally more open to them growing up then mom. That has nothing to do with her cheating or the divorce, it's just human nature. Get ready for them to ask to move in with you - and by get ready I mean put some money aside for the legal action you will be filling to modify the residential schedule. Believe me on this one. Forewarned is forearmed.

 

Some of her actions are quite clearly an attempt to piss me off. THAT is a very big problem and makes it very difficult (damn near impossible, as you say) to put the past in the past, take the higher road, and so forth. That stuff conflicts with lessons about enforcing a healthy boundary. Overall, I think I play it pretty well. But every once in a while, there's not much to do but be pissed off and move on.

 

Interesting thoughts on the change in residence. I'll give it some thought. I'm not sure that I can see a scenario where either of my kids would make such a request but perhaps when they reach their teens. I'm not sure I would support it either - she's more of a bad wife (and exwife) than she is a bad mother and I default to kids having equal time with both parents. Still, it's something I should think about.

[dichotomy]

There is no step daddy on other side with your ex wife right? That always makes it more difficult.

[BetrayedH]

There is no step daddy on other side with your ex wife right? That always makes it more difficult.

 

Nothing yet. I don't expect that she'll ever remarry because she is Catholic and she has said as much to my mother. But who knows, of course. And I expect she'll get serious about dating someone eventually (or not). Right now I am the bad guy with her family because I have a GF in front of the kids (against the Catholic morals that they're taught in the classes I support, even though I am an agnostic).

[dichotomy]

Nothing yet. I don't expect that she'll ever remarry because she is Catholic and she has said as much to my mother. But who knows, of course. And I expect she'll get serious about dating someone eventually (or not). Right now I am the bad guy with her family because I have a GF in front of the kids (against the Catholic morals that they're taught in the classes I support, even though I am an agnostic).

 

Just like it was against catholic teaching to bang OM on the couch?

 

but as the new Pope says "who am I to judge?":cool:

[BetrayedH]

Just like it was against catholic teaching to bang OM on the couch?

 

but as the new Pope says "who am I to judge?":cool:

 

Don't get me started.

[Furious]

Nothing yet. I don't expect that she'll ever remarry because she is Catholic and she has said as much to my mother. But who knows, of course. And I expect she'll get serious about dating someone eventually (or not). Right now I am the bad guy with her family because I have a GF in front of the kids (against the Catholic morals that they're taught in the classes I support, even though I am an agnostic).

 

 

Wow...religious cheaters take the cake....pun intended. How is it that you're the bad guy?

 

I don't understand how your ex can make you the fall guy, knowing you have loads of concrete evidence as to her 60 hotel visits and her mediocre writing skills on that web site for cheaters.