Wondering why? [update]

[Hope Shimmers]

Did you expect his wife not to be pissed? 3 messages in 7 weeks isn't a big deal. Did you expect her to ask you kindly why you had an affair with her spouse?

 

She should ask her husband why he had an affair with someone not in their marriage. Not be calling the OW with hate messages.

 

Do you think she is relaying the same hate messages to her H? I doubt it.

 

How is her telling you she hates you such a horrible mean thing?

 

Are you joking?

[Lucygolds]

Why is it his job to pay for you? Yes, he has a legal financial responsibility to HELP support his children, but so do you. Same with child care...that is usually a split cost.

 

Going to a strip club isn't in the same ballpark as having an affair...looking at women vs having sex with another man (and the emotional relationship) is like comparing apples to pineapples, in my view. It seems like you want to imply that what he allegedly did (as you have no proof besides gossip that he went to strip clubs quite a while ago) is just as bad, if not worse, than what you did.

 

Legally, you both are financially responsible for the children and a court would hold you financially responsible. They don't care that you want to be a personal trainer, they want you to have a job that enables you to support yourself and they kids.

 

Did you expect his wife not to be pissed? 3 messages in 7 weeks isn't a big deal. Did you expect her to ask you kindly why you had an affair with her spouse? How is her telling you she hates you such a horrible mean thing? Again, did you expect her to just sit quietly and be happy?

 

I hope she lets her H have the majority of her anger, but you really can't expect her to not try to hurt you after you did to hurt her...and before you say it, yes her marriage is her responsibility, but you chose to willingly have an affair with a married man. When you (general you) make decisions that affect other people, you can't be shocked when they strike back.

 

First off, I may not have been clear but this is a if we stay together and he wants to take a job out of state, I will not be moving. Of course, I understand that if we get D that I am just as financially responsible for things. If I have to give up being a trainer so be it.

 

Second, maybe going to strip clubs is not the same as an A. Of course an EA and PA is worse. My point in talking about this is that if he is capable of lying for years, long before I had an A, about going to these places. Spending money we did not have and lying about flirting with waitress......What else is he lying about? His stories have changed many times. We are in a situation were we can not trust on another.

 

Last, I never said I was angry or expected my xAP W not to be upset with me nor did I say she was being horrible to me. I am not shocked. ......I am just coming here to put out my feelings and I was asking if I should answer her or let it alone. I do not want to get into a fight with her. I know nothing I can say could help or change what has happened.....I can not defend or justify myself in anyway to her.

[A.Moscote]

Strip club, sexting, porn or whatever, if done secretly behind one partner then it is wrong. It is inappropriate and inconsiderate to marriage/partnership. Anyone want to do anything like that, than just be honest, or be single.

 

Take your time Lucygolds, you have make it clear to your H about the job (and hopefully about the marriage as well), so let see his reactions, committed to work on the marriage, or go for divorce properly, or just saving himself the easiest way.

 

At the same time, focus on improving yourself, enjoy any activity you are doing, ignore AP and his BW, be prepare for whatever outcome, and keep your eyes open. You will get through this eventually.

[Lucygolds]

Strip club, sexting, porn or whatever, if done secretly behind one partner then it is wrong. It is inappropriate and inconsiderate to marriage/partnership. Anyone want to do anything like that, than just be honest, or be single.

 

Take your time Lucygolds, you have make it clear to your H about the job (and hopefully about the marriage as well), so let see his reactions, committed to work on the marriage, or go for divorce properly, or just saving himself the easiest way.

 

At the same time, focus on improving yourself, enjoy any activity you are doing, ignore AP and his BW, be prepare for whatever outcome, and keep your eyes open. You will get through this eventually.

 

My point excatly.

 

I am doing my best to focus on improving. It is quite hard when some new drama about my H, my xAP or his W seems to be popping up every few days. I am doing what I can to remain level and focused anyway. .....

[chelsea2011]

My point excatly.

 

I am doing my best to focus on improving. It is quite hard when some new drama about my H, my xAP or his W seems to be popping up every few days. I am doing what I can to remain level and focused anyway. .....

 

Try a different tactic with your husband and ask to join him at the strip clubs. It would probably blow his socks off and change your whole relationship. Unless, of course, he's the kinda guy that likes to keep his socks on. Haha

[Lucygolds]

Try a different tactic with your husband and ask to join him at the strip clubs. It would probably blow his socks off and change your whole relationship. Unless, of course, he's the kinda guy that likes to keep his socks on. Haha

 

Believe me, I had asked many years ago he wanted nothing to do with it. I was always wild and crazy and he was very vanilla. Another reason I miss the xAP. We were very compatible in that area.....

[dezzi]

I have learned that for some people all that matters is cheating. No other behavior is taken into account. Your husband sounds like a grade A jerk and I wouldn't be surprised if he takes that stance. That is why I encouraged you to get free. The man is destroying you and your children's lives. He actually thinks because you cheated it is okay for him to abandon them? Even if that was a scare tactic little ears hear a lot and how hurtful would that be to them. I don't care if a part of you hopes you have a future with your xMM. All that matters is you being free from the <insert negative word of choice here>. Taking your time is something we recommend to people who aren't having their souls sucked out of them. If his behavior was actually only since you confessed to him that would be different. But he has been treating you poorly for a longer than that. Your affair may have thrown gasoline on his jerk attitude. Now he feels justified and appears to be even less likely to change. You say he wasn't always like this so do you remember when he began to change? Did something occur? Or was it just something he kept under control? I am going to tell you something that I would tell any woman, affair or no. You staying and being submissive or perfect will not change him. You know that in your head but I am reminding you of it so that you will feel strong enough to draw a line in the sand on his behavior. Decide for yourself what you will or will not tolerate from him.

[Lucygolds]

I have learned that for some people all that matters is cheating. No other behavior is taken into account. Your husband sounds like a grade A jerk and I wouldn't be surprised if he takes that stance. That is why I encouraged you to get free. The man is destroying you and your children's lives. He actually thinks because you cheated it is okay for him to abandon them? Even if that was a scare tactic little ears hear a lot and how hurtful would that be to them. I don't care if a part of you hopes you have a future with your xMM. All that matters is you being free from the <insert negative word of choice here>. Taking your time is something we recommend to people who aren't having their souls sucked out of them. If his behavior was actually only since you confessed to him that would be different. But he has been treating you poorly for a longer than that. Your affair may have thrown gasoline on his jerk attitude. Now he feels justified and appears to be even less likely to change. You say he wasn't always like this so do you remember when he began to change? Did something occur? Or was it just something he kept under control? I am going to tell you something that I would tell any woman, affair or no. You staying and being submissive or perfect will not change him. You know that in your head but I am reminding you of it so that you will feel strong enough to draw a line in the sand on his behavior. Decide for yourself what you will or will not tolerate from him.

 

 

My H was 30 and I was 21 when we started dating. I guess to a point he always wanted to be "in charge" but, I have always butted heads with him on that. We had our fights but, I felt like we were in an equal partner ship.

 

Almost four years ago he lost his job. We had decided that the best thing to do would be for us to move home and he could very quickly get another job with some old co workers. It did not take long to see that would would lose a ton of money if we sold our home. So I stayed with the kids and he lived 12 hours away. We went on like this for about a year. Money was very tight. We were fighting all the time. He blamed me for everything......This is when he started getting crazy with calling me names and putting me down. He refused to accept any fault in was happening. Truthfully, it was no ones fault at all. Just hard times.

 

I told myself that things would get better. His job was going to move him close to an office by our home and things would get back to normal but, they never really did. Maybe, a little but, then he got a promotion and started being out of town all the time.......and it got worse.

 

I know all the horrible things he is saying are just scare tactics and yes the kids have heard. Since I had confronted him with the strip clubs he actually has been pretty nice. He is denying it but says things like, "tell me who told you and then I will tell you the truth." I just tell him to tell the truth and then I will tell him who told....He says he is being set up.....

 

He offered yesterday to message my xAP W and tell him that he knew and has forgiven me. I told him not to.....He has been very kind and I am distant. I don't see this being long term. I have told him that I am not afraid of doing things on my own. Yes it will be hard but, I refuse to be miserable. Truly, he is afraid of me leaving him......seems strange....doesn't it????

 

With everything that has happened and the fact that we have always worked for the same company, even after he changed jobs. I have not worked for the last year after his promotion. It became a conflict of interest because he would not be my bosses, boss. I am in absolutely no position to leave. I really kind of want to try to stick it out until I get set up as a trainer and start working......but I have been looking at other jobs as well. Of course he starts saying he will not pay any child care and if I pay it out of our main account he will move all money out to account I have no access too.......It is all a mess.

[beach]

Why?

 

Because you don't have a solid, healthy boundary that keeps your M safe and protected.

 

That was your original question.

 

The answer is "HOW do YOU make it different?"

 

When YOU participate differently - it changes things...everything.

 

Change is up to YOU.

 

HOW do YOU plan to participate differently? Be specific.

[Lucygolds]

Why?

 

Because you don't have a solid, healthy boundary that keeps your M safe and protected.

 

That was your original question.

 

The answer is "HOW do YOU make it different?"

 

When YOU participate differently - it changes things...everything.

 

Change is up to YOU.

 

HOW do YOU plan to participate differently? Be specific.

 

Do you really think that I just had an affair out of no where? I am not saying it was a good choice but, I tried everything to fix my M before I made this huge mistake. I asked my H to go to MC. He said we did not need it. I tried to be everything he wanted and it did not help. I can not be the only one working on this. When he just sweeps everything under the rug and expects happiness. ...m

[beach]

Do you really think that I just had an affair out of no where? I am not saying it was a good choice but, I tried everything to fix my M before I made this huge mistake. I asked my H to go to MC. He said we did not need it. I tried to be everything he wanted and it did not help. I can not be the only one working on this. When he just sweeps everything under the rug and expects happiness. ...m

 

So what do you plan to change?

[Lucygolds]

What else can I change? At this point I am broken. I have no more fight in me......I am on auto pilot and trying to focus on me. Looking for work and making a better life.....I am stuck in a place where I don't want to deal with any of it.....I do not know if I can or even want to fix my M. My H is currently all forgiving and loves me......

 

My xAP was at the gym again today. I went earlier hoping to avoid him. His W and kids were swimming in the pool. Last week he was telling how heartbroken he was and how much he cried for me and this week he did not even look at me because his W was in the building. She is still sending me messages.......I just do not want to deal with any of it. Of course, I know I have to. I put myself in this place.

 

I am broken and do not know at all what I am going to do.

[violet1]

What else can I change? At this point I am broken. I have no more fight in me......I am on auto pilot and trying to focus on me. Looking for work and making a better life.....I am stuck in a place where I don't want to deal with any of it.....I do not know if I can or even want to fix my M. My H is currently all forgiving and loves me......

 

My xAP was at the gym again today. I went earlier hoping to avoid him. His W and kids were swimming in the pool. Last week he was telling how heartbroken he was and how much he cried for me and this week he did not even look at me because his W was in the building. She is still sending me messages.......I just do not want to deal with any of it. Of course, I know I have to. I put myself in this place.

 

I am broken and do not know at all what I am going to do.

I'm sorry you feel so horrible about yourself. I know the feeling all too well. After my D Days, I still feel so broken. My H and I are trying to R, but it's damn hard. Once you lose that connection with a spouse it's so hard to get it back. I'm wondering if I'll ever feel normalcy again. Affairs really screw with your head. I just wanted you to know that I admire you for doing the right thing and confessing to your H. It's hard, but hang in there. All I can hope for is that time will heal all wounds. I hope the same for you.

[beach]

What else can I change? At this point I am broken. I have no more fight in me......I am on auto pilot and trying to focus on me. Looking for work and making a better life.....I am stuck in a place where I don't want to deal with any of it.....I do not know if I can or even want to fix my M. My H is currently all forgiving and loves me......

 

My xAP was at the gym again today. I went earlier hoping to avoid him. His W and kids were swimming in the pool. Last week he was telling how heartbroken he was and how much he cried for me and this week he did not even look at me because his W was in the building. She is still sending me messages.......I just do not want to deal with any of it. Of course, I know I have to. I put myself in this place.

 

I am broken and do not know at all what I am going to do.

 

For starters - you can stop going to that gym - since now you know you have a chance of seeing them.

 

You tell us what you are CAPABLE of changing. Anything - everything to make things possibly better...?

[Lucygolds]

For starters - you can stop going to that gym - since now you know you have a chance of seeing them.

 

You tell us what you are CAPABLE of changing. Anything - everything to make things possibly better...?

 

Telling someone to change something is so easy......I have listed several things in pervious post that I am doing to change......change is easy to talk about but when everything is crashing down on you.....it is a struggle and takes all you have.

[Lucygolds]

I'm sorry you feel so horrible about yourself. I know the feeling all too well. After my D Days, I still feel so broken. My H and I are trying to R, but it's damn hard. Once you lose that connection with a spouse it's so hard to get it back. I'm wondering ignore.l ever feel normalcy again. Affairs really screw with your head. I just wanted you to know that I admire you for doing the right thing and confessing to your H. It's hard, but hang in there. All I can hope for is that time will heal all wounds. I hope the same for you.

 

Thank you, and in this moment I am angry with my H and dont want to try......i am sure that will change.....i am feeling used by my xAP and so hurt by all. I feel terrible I have caused so much hurt...... this is not me and I just want some normal but I don't know what that is anymore

[violet1]

Telling someone to change something is so easy......I have listed several things in pervious post that I am doing to change......change is easy to talk about but when everything is crashing down on you.....it is a struggle and takes all you have.

I agree! When there's so much damage done and the mess is every where, you just don't know where to start to clean it all up. I personally suggest you start working on YOU. Start by taking baby steps. I haven't read all of your posts so forgive me if this is a repeated question. Are you in individual counselling? If not, this should be your first step. When will you find out if you can start training at the other gym? This will be step two. Your MM has proven to you by his actions that he's chosen his wife. You need to start moving on from him emotionally. The sooner you can get out of that gym the better. I think the constant worry of seeing him there is causing you unnecessary stress.

 

Lucy, take deep breath and deal with things on a day to day basis. It's going to take time. Don't beat yourself up too much. If you are considering reconciliation with your H than why not let him email the W and tell her that he knows of the A? She might leave you alone if she knows that your H knows everything. If you want to work on your M, the two of you need to learn how to rely and help each other through hardship. This is something my H and I are working on as well. It slowly is starting to feel like we're a team again.

[violet1]

Thank you, and in this moment I am angry with my H and dont want to try......i am sure that will change.....i am feeling used by my xAP and so hurt by all. I feel terrible I have caused so much hurt...... this is not me and I just want some normal but I don't know what that is anymore

I was very angry with my H too. It's truly a coincidence, but he relapsed on hard drugs during the time I broke NC and slept with my exMM. I was so angry and sure that I didn't want to try. However, he and I sat down and got real with each other. It was complete brutal honesty. If we hadn't sat down and had that talk, I know we wouldn't be in R right now. I also understand if D is in your best interest though. You need to remember that YOU deserve love and happiness. You owned your affair, you've been trying to do what's right and that's what's important. It's people who don't own their actions that can't get out of a mess. You can do this, just give yourself time. :-)

[A.Moscote]

Hang in there Lucygolds, be patient and don't rush on anything you might regret later. Take your time, and keep on evaluating and planning. If you are really stuck, then just focus on other things first, like on your trainer plan and your kids. Take this time while your husband is being amiable to recompose yourself. Again, don't let him bully or deceive you.

 

Truly, he is afraid of me leaving him......seems strange....doesn't it????

Probably, he still loves you, so naturally he's afraid of that. Many men would have scared to be in his shoes, I know I would.

Perhaps sometimes later an MC would be good to resolve the issues between the two of you. Maybe he is just a bad husband, or maybe for a while he has had that weird ilybinilwy excuse, who knows if he will be open and committed again.

 

Last week he was telling how heartbroken he was and how much he cried for me and this week he did not even look at me because his W was in the building.

Oh so generous of him to tell you that, how about leaving his wife first? Be careful not to be tangled with his charms again, keep on avoiding him. No matter how tempted you are to be with him, persevere through it and put it away from your conscious mind. Get your divorce first because he will still be reachable anyway even a decade from now. Of course I think it's better not reach him at all, he's married, don't cheat yourself or his wife (yeah, she's mean to you).

 

Be patient and optimist, believe in yourself and cheer up a bit.

 

P.s. If Beach's posts sounds too harsh on you, perhaps Violet's are more emphatic. Same gist anyway; you can do some changes.

[BrokenPrincess]

My xAP was at the gym again today. I went earlier hoping to avoid him. His W and kids were swimming in the pool. Last week he was telling how heartbroken he was and how much he cried for me and this week he did not even look at me because his W was in the building. She is still sending me messages.......I just do not want to deal with any of it. Of course, I know I have to. I put myself in this place.

 

Lucy I know you said you feel like he used you, but do you mind sharing how you felt when you saw him today? Just curious if it's regret/disgust/shame or more like longing/attraction or maybe both?

 

My xAP & I were long distance and I cannot even fathom what it would be like to *possibly* run into him on a daily basis, much less his W & kids. And especially seeing him more exposed exercising in gym clothes or a swimsuit?!

[Lucygolds]

Lucy I know you said you feel like he used you, but do you mind sharing how you felt when you saw him today? Just curious if it's regret/disgust/shame or more like longing/attraction or maybe both?

 

My xAP & I were long distance and I cannot even fathom what it would be like to *possibly* run into him on a daily basis, much less his W & kids. And especially seeing him more exposed exercising in gym clothes or a swimsuit?!

 

 

Much of the A took place at the gym. Us working out. It is where we met.

 

 

Well, last Sunday was the first time that we had broken NC since d day. I had seen him at the gym before but, we did not speak. Made eye contact. I have assumed that he his working on his M and did not want to interfere anymore. The whole time I was at the gym he would walk close to me and kept looking at me. We ended about the same time and he was sitting on the bench where I had left my stuff. I went to get it and he started talking about how hard it all was and how heartbreaking it was that we had to act like stranger when we were not. He told me he had cried for me many times. I did not say much but agreed with all he said.

 

On Friday, his W messaged me, after a month of not hearing from her, to tell me she had not forgotten and she hated me. She asked if I had ever been on the other side of adultery and told me what a horrible place it was. She then said my H would be the next to understand that. She has yet to tell my H anything and besides that I have confessed when she first found out. She had her location turned on and she was at his work when she sent me the message.

 

Today when I saw him.....I was shocked because I did not see his car. I thought I was in the clear. He was not there......He kept his distance. I do think I saw him looking at me in the mirror a few times......but I kept my distance as well. I figured that his W and kids were in the pool because of not seeing his car there and it had happened that way a few times when were together. He would always come over and tell me she was there and how hard it was to not talk to me but he was afraid that she might see. She had met me once before at the farmers market(before the A) and hated me immediately and had found FB messages(before the A). So him talking to me would start a fight......

 

I did go over to the benches when I realized he was done.....I did want to tell him that my H knew everything and I sort of wanted to ask him if I should respond to his W or let it be. If I needed to be worried about her or if she was just letting out her anger. He was closed off and garbed his stuff and headed towards the pool.

 

I guess in that moment I can see that last week he was truly fishing......maybe trying to see if he could resume the A in the future. Pulling at my heart strings and making me feel sad for myself and him. I am fine with him trying to save his family but, it made me angry that he even came to me to me with how heartbroken he is.....Is he really? If you are trying to save your M then do not talk to me...... Also, I no idea if he knows that his W has messaged me at all but it would have been nice for him to tip me off that she was there....It just showed me that his words last week were not heart felt but just playing.....in case the coast ever clears.

[Lucygolds]

I agree! When there's so much damage done and the mess is every where, you just don't know where to start to clean it all up. I personally suggest you start working on YOU. Start by taking baby steps. I haven't read all of your posts so forgive me if this is a repeated question. Are you in individual counselling? If not, this should be your first step. When will you find out if you can start training at the other gym? This will be step two. Your MM has proven to you by his actions that he's chosen his wife. You need to start moving on from him emotionally. The sooner you can get out of that gym the better. I think the constant worry of seeing him there is causing you unnecessary stress.

 

Lucy, take deep breath and deal with things on a day to day basis. It's going to take time. Don't beat yourself up too much. If you are considering reconciliation with your H than why not let him email the W and tell her that he knows of the A? She might leave you alone if she knows that your H knows everything. If you want to work on your M, the two of you need to learn how to rely and help each other through hardship. This is something my H and I are working on as well. It slowly is starting to feel like we're a team again.

 

I have gone to two IC sessions. They were supposed to be MC but H did not come. My H has been throwing a fit about the cost but I do plan to go again....I am hoping to start training at the other gym soon. It will at least cut down on the time I am at the same gym as xMM. But, I was supposed to email the guy and my H took the business card. I did email him on Friday but have not heard back. I am a little worried my H emailed him something. He said he did not but since I can not trust him and he has been telling me I can only work certain days and can not pay a baby sitter if he is out of town with other jobs I have had interviews for......I don't know.

 

I do know that he has chose his W.....This week has just been so hard. I guess I thought maybe they were not working on things. With him coming to me last week, then her message......She also changed her FB profile pic from her and him to just her. I know this because of the message she sent me.....Finding out about my H and the strip clubs.....It has been a really hard few weeks. I had some job interviews that seemed promising but have heard nothing. I felt like I was making progress and now I feel like I am drowning.

 

One of my BF was telling me today that if I do not respond to her she will keep coming at me. She will show up at my house or in the gym and confront me. I will admit that I was a little worried once I realize she must have been there today. My friend was telling me to message her and say that I am truly sorry and that my H knows and we are working on our family and that I suggest that she works on her own. If she keeps messaging me that I will contact the police for harassment. I just feel like contacting her will be putting gas on the fire.......I do not know her and do not know if she will come at me or not. This could just be her hurt. I am also a little upset that all her anger seems to be at me. I understand that she has every right to be angry at me but, it took two of us. He was not innocent. Truly, I have no idea how things are between them and maybe she is being hard on him as well.....it just seems like I am the only evil one.

[Lucygolds]

Hang in there Lucygolds, be patient and don't rush on anything you might regret later. Take your time, and keep on evaluating and planning. If you are really stuck, then just focus on other things first, like on your trainer plan and your kids. Take this time while your husband is being amiable to recompose yourself. Again, don't let him bully or deceive you.

 

 

Probably, he still loves you, so naturally he's afraid of that. Many men would have scared to be in his shoes, I know I would.

Perhaps sometimes later an MC would be good to resolve the issues between the two of you. Maybe he is just a bad husband, or maybe for a while he has had that weird ilybinilwy excuse, who knows if he will be open and committed again.

 

 

Oh so generous of him to tell you that, how about leaving his wife first? Be careful not to be tangled with his charms again, keep on avoiding him. No matter how tempted you are to be with him, persevere through it and put it away from your conscious mind. Get your divorce first because he will still be reachable anyway even a decade from now. Of course I think it's better not reach him at all, he's married, don't cheat yourself or his wife (yeah, she's mean to you).

 

Be patient and optimist, believe in yourself and cheer up a bit.

 

P.s. If Beach's posts sounds too harsh on you, perhaps Violet's are more emphatic. Same gist anyway; you can do some changes.

 

Thank you. The last two weeks have been the hardest in my journey so far.I am trying......and really felt like I have been making progress but recent events have floored me.....I will pull myself back up thought.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I am not trying to fan any flames here, but I hope your husband starts taking an active role in your marriage by actually attending these counseling sessions. I would dare to say that if he does not, you need to seriously consider and exit strategy. And I don't say that lightly. But if the marriage isn't something he is willing to work to save, than IMO it may not be worth saving. Without a strategy, without plans, how can one have hope?

 

Sorry, it is just that some of the things you said about hubby frustrate me.

 

I am sure it is more complicated than that.

 

About exMOM, well, I don't doubt his feelings were real, but it doesn't change the scenario of having a wife, a very angry wife.

 

She needs to leave you alone, she is harassing you.

 

I think the advice of giving an apology and saying you are working on your marriage and that your husband already knows everything is good advice. Tell her you hope that she can work out her marriage as well. If I heard that, I may be inclined to forgive and have hope of moving on,

[whichwayisup]

Why not join a new gym? This way there's no chance of running into him and having to deal with emotions and possible drama when he's there either on his own or with his wife and kids.