Wondering why? [update]

[spookysonata]

Sitting down and sharing your feelings is breaking NC. Not leaving when you see him there is breaking NC. What did your H say about what transpired?

 

This. Did you even tell your H? Does his wife know you broke NC? You seem totally focused on OM and the affair feelings and not at all on what you did to both your marriages.

[Lucygolds]

This. Did you even tell your H? Does his wife know you broke NC? You seem totally focused on OM and the affair feelings and not at all on what you did to both your marriages.

 

 

Sitting down and sharing your feelings is breaking NC. Not leaving when you see him there is breaking NC. What did your H say about what transpired?

 

 

 

I am not going to defend myself. I realize that most BS will not like what I am saying.

 

In the moment that I posted this, in the moment that it happened, yes I was focused on exMOM. As for what he is telling his wife???? That is not up to me but to him. It is his marriage and if he is still lying to her I have nothing to do with that. As for me, I have been honest with my H since the A. I can't say that he likes what he hears. That is more than I can say for my H. I am getting bits and pieces of truth when it comes to him trying to pick up waitresses in bars and just how often he is spending money we don't have getting lap dances. It is amazing the people who will come out of the wood work to tell on someone in a situation like this and I have heard many stories about my H in the last few weeks. Going back for years and things I never knew. I have expressed my sorrow and regret to my H for what has happened. Many, many times. I take full responsibility for what I have done.

 

I can not speak for everyone but there are so many confusing and conflicting emotions involved in an A. You have pain, grief, sorrow, anger, love......it is hard to sort it all out and how you feel changes day to day even hour to hour. I know this can not compare to what an BS experiences but, it is the truth.

[Pushing Forward]

I totally agree with you Lucygolds..there are so many emotions and many won't like what you say or feel but that's how it is. It's not easy for any of us and as an MW in an A I think I can empathize more with your side of things than the BS. I was on the other end before and never thought I would be the one to do something like this but it has happened. All we can do is try our best to get though it. I think you're doing great for the most part owning up to your issues. I also agree that you need a new gym and hopefully that will work out for you.

 

Nothing is right about the whole situation but we are all human and make mistakes, sometimes terrible ones. I like that we can come here and vent and throw out thoughts and questions and get some good advice. Unfortunately some things are just harsh truths that we either don't need to hear or just aren't ready for. We all don't fit in the same mold and every adage does not fit every one of us. Our lives and situations are different.

 

Good luck with moving on. It's terribly difficult and you can't do it until you are fully committed to it. I know I haven't been able to. I'm worried that a bad blowup will be the end of my (somewhat) broken up A. So far it's been lots of talk about why we shouldn't be doing it but still talking knowing we should just stop.

[Lucygolds]

I totally agree with you Lucygolds..there are so many emotions and many won't like what you say or feel but that's how it is. It's not easy for any of us and as an MW in an A I think I can empathize more with your side of things than the BS. I was on the other end before and never thought I would be the one to do something like this but it has happened. All we can do is try our best to get though it. I think you're doing great for the most part owning up to your issues. I also agree that you need a new gym and hopefully that will work out for you.

 

Nothing is right about the whole situation but we are all human and make mistakes, sometimes terrible ones. I like that we can come here and vent and throw out thoughts and questions and get some good advice. Unfortunately some things are just harsh truths that we either don't need to hear or just aren't ready for. We all don't fit in the same mold and every adage does not fit every one of us. Our lives and situations are different.

 

Good luck with moving on. It's terribly difficult and you can't do it until you are fully committed to it. I know I haven't been able to. I'm worried that a bad blowup will be the end of my (somewhat) broken up A. So far it's been lots of talk about why we shouldn't be doing it but still talking knowing we should just stop.

 

Thank you for your words. I am willing to hear about what a bad thing I have done from my H, family and friends. Funny things is, family and friends who know both my H and me have told me how wrong my choice was but they all say they can see why it happened. My therapist has also said the same thing. I am a MW who fell in love with a MM. Yes, it is wrong and yes I should have walked away before it started but, I can't change that now. Just like with any break up......you feelings just don't go away. It takes time. I have been keeping busy and doing what I can to make myself a better person. That is all I can do......

 

I wish you luck as well Pushing Forward =)

[Lucygolds]

Wow. I can't believe it! And so do you feel relieved to know at least that he is feeling these feelings with you? Is it harder now?

 

0

 

Now a few days out, I do still feel relived to know he does not hate me and is hurting like I am but, now I am angry, sad and it hurts even more.

 

If he is truly trying to R with his W, then he should have never spoken to me. I really have no idea if they are trying to R or if they are separated. He still has no idea my H knows about all or all the problems we are having. What was his purpose in talking to me at all? Does he want me on a hook for when the cost clears? Was he hoping for me to say my M is not going to work?

 

If it really is so hard for him to see me and he is heartbroken over having to pretend I am a stranger. If he really has cried for me so many times.....then why is staying with his W? (that is if they are, I really have no way of knowing) If that is what he is fishing for, then why not just ask? Is he going to continue to try and talk with me? Am I going to have to tell him to go away? Do I want to?

 

I am doing my best to get back on track and focus on me and my life. Making me a better person. Trying to deal with the problems my H and I have been having. I am trying to keep busy to keep these thoughts from running though my mine. It is easier said than done.....but, I am doing my best.

 

Oh, and we drove past one another in a parking lot today.....I know he saw me by the look on his face. Trying to keep myself busy and going out and about with the kids has me seeing him everywhere......

Edited June 4, 2014 by Lucygolds

[dezzi]

I am so sorry, Lucy. I think your marriage is toxic and by falling in love with an unavailable man you made everything worse for you. My advice from what I read (your posts on this thread only) is that you have nothing to save with your husband. Don't be his doormat and emotional punching bag. This toxic environment is not good for anyone. I would seriously consider steps to leave. See a divorce attorney and go from there. Your husband sounds like a hypocrite and you sound like a very broken woman. Please take care of you and your children.

[jwi71]

If he is truly trying to R with his W, then he should have never spoken to me. I really have no idea if they are trying to R or if they are separated. He still has no idea my H knows about all or all the problems we are having.

 

Correct. If he were TRULY trying to R with his W - then he would AVOID the xAP, focus on rebuilding the M, and moving forward.

 

What was his purpose in talking to me at all? Does he want me on a hook for when the cost clears? Was he hoping for me to say my M is not going to work?

 

You would know best of all - but, given that his behavior is certainly inconsistent with R - then we can assume he was, at that time, not focused on that. I would wager he was fishing.

 

If it really is so hard for him to see me and he is heartbroken over having to pretend I am a stranger. If he really has cried for me so many times.....then why is staying with his W? (that is if they are, I really have no way of knowing)

 

He may or may not have - but does it matter?

What would that change for YOU?

Either way - it means/does/accomplishes nothing for you - well, as you are experiencing, nothing positive.

 

If that is what he is fishing for, then why not just ask?

 

That's not how fishing works.

You fish by dangling the bait and seeing if they nibble - and yes, if it seems cowardly it is. But, then again, its hard asking your xAP to resume the A after dday - he kinda knows he didn't leave (you didn't either) so it has a high awkward factor for certain.

 

Is he going to continue to try and talk with me?

 

We can't control HIM so we won't worry about HIS words and actions.

But one COULD eliminate his ability to approach you in the gym...if you changed....you know I'm going say it...change gyms.

Am I going to have to tell him to go away? Do I want to?

 

You haven't told him to go away?

 

I am doing my best to get back on track and focus on me and my life. Making me a better person. Trying to deal with the problems my H and I have been having. I am trying to keep busy to keep these thoughts from running though my mine. It is easier said than done.....but, I am doing my best.

 

And every encounter...sets you back?

Causes pain and confusion?

Makes "all this" all the more difficult?

 

Is there ANY positive to seeing him? Talking to him?

Did hearing how he cries help? Doesn't sound like it based on this.

 

NC is called NC for a reason - NO CONTACT. It isn't to punish you - its to HELP you.

[shortee]

I think I know why you crave your ex mm in your life. You need and want something better in your life than your crappy husband. But you need to dump both guys. Your husband is a creep. Your marriage is never going to improve becsuse your husband refuses marriage counseling with you, makes unusual demands, sounds very controlling, and is verbally abusive and manipulative. It's no wonder you cheated. It would be better for you to leave your creep husband as he is clearly the main problem. Yes you need to find a man who will love you and treat you right and not call you names, control money, and belittle you but divorce your husband and find a single man. Because your husband is not willing to fix problems with your R. I still say he is the problem. You will be stuck in the same problems until you get out of your toxic marriage.

Edited June 5, 2014 by shortee

[Lucygolds]

Thank you everyone for your advice and words. Logically, I know everything you all are saying to be true. So much is easier said than done but, I am trying to remain clear headed.

 

Right now my plan is to try to set things up better for my kids and I. I can not really see a future where we stay together. That really hurts and is so hard. It was not always like this. He was not always such a jerk but, I just can't see us moving past any of this and really fixing things. He just wants to go back to normal and well, there is no more normal.

 

The best thing that has come from all this is that my A reminded me of the woman I once was. Being with him let me be her again. I just need to find her being alone.

 

I had been letting go of the idea of my exMOM and then I found out about my H and the strip clubs and it all somehow became harder. That is when I went from feeling like my H and I had a chance to fix things to feeling like there was no way for us. If he could lie about this even if it was only once or 100 times then we can't fix out R. I can not see what my friends nephew would have to gain at all by telling me my H took him to a club and offered to pay for lap dances. My H has to be lying. That along with other things.

 

Then the exMOM saying all those things to me the other day......I had spent much of that day and the day before praying. I was asking God to help me find the right direction and move on in or out of my M. I asked that if I am not supposed to be with exMOM then please help me find the strength to avoid him and move away from thoughts of him. I asked for a sign to push me in the right direction. And, yes I asked that if for some reason we were supposed to end up together then let him come to me. I am now telling myself that even though I asked for this it does not mean we are to be together. That him coming to me was not a sign from God. It is hard to let go of the idea my A was all for nothing. Maybe it was what I needed to push myself into a better life. It is just so hard that I has such strong feelings for someone and I really feel he had them for me as well. Now it just has to end and not because either one of us chose that.

 

I know it is scary to change ones life so drastically. If I had not found out all these lies about my H I would not at all be thinking about leaving. I would be trying to fix everything. Truthfully, I would not be comfortable starting a R with exMOM if he left for me, which I am sure he will not. If he is going to leave his M then he should do that because that is what is best for him. If I do leave mine it most certainly will not be because I have him or anyone else to go to but, because it best.

 

Sorry, I know that I ramble on a lot. There is just so much confusing thought and feeling and this is a good place to get it all out.....

[lovinDKT3]

Thank you everyone for your advice and words. Logically, I know everything you all are saying to be true. So much is easier said than done but, I am trying to remain clear headed.

 

Right now my plan is to try to set things up better for my kids and I. I can not really see a future where we stay together. That really hurts and is so hard. It was not always like this. He was not always such a jerk but, I just can't see us moving past any of this and really fixing things. He just wants to go back to normal and well, there is no more normal.

 

The best thing that has come from all this is that my A reminded me of the woman I once was. Being with him let me be her again. I just need to find her being alone.

 

I had been letting go of the idea of my exMOM and then I found out about my H and the strip clubs and it all somehow became harder. That is when I went from feeling like my H and I had a chance to fix things to feeling like there was no way for us. If he could lie about this even if it was only once or 100 times then we can't fix out R. I can not see what my friends nephew would have to gain at all by telling me my H took him to a club and offered to pay for lap dances. My H has to be lying. That along with other things.

 

Then the exMOM saying all those things to me the other day......I had spent much of that day and the day before praying. I was asking God to help me find the right direction and move on in or out of my M. I asked that if I am not supposed to be with exMOM then please help me find the strength to avoid him and move away from thoughts of him. I asked for a sign to push me in the right direction. And, yes I asked that if for some reason we were supposed to end up together then let him come to me. I am now telling myself that even though I asked for this it does not mean we are to be together. That him coming to me was not a sign from God. It is hard to let go of the idea my A was all for nothing. Maybe it was what I needed to push myself into a better life. It is just so hard that I has such strong feelings for someone and I really feel he had them for me as well. Now it just has to end and not because either one of us chose that.

 

I know it is scary to change ones life so drastically. If I had not found out all these lies about my H I would not at all be thinking about leaving. I would be trying to fix everything. Truthfully, I would not be comfortable starting a R with exMOM if he left for me, which I am sure he will not. If he is going to leave his M then he should do that because that is what is best for him. If I do leave mine it most certainly will not be because I have him or anyone else to go to but, because it best.

 

Sorry, I know that I ramble on a lot. There is just so much confusing thought and feeling and this is a good place to get it all out.....

 

Lacy, this may seem harsh but I don't believe a word of what your saying about why your thinking about leaving the marriage. This is all about clearing a path to your AP.

 

Your searching for a reason to leave. I want to PM you a story of a woman I met along the way.

[Lucygolds]

Lacy, this may seem harsh but I don't believe a word of what your saying about why your thinking about leaving the marriage. This is all about clearing a path to your AP.

 

Your searching for a reason to leave. I want to PM you a story of a woman I met along the way.

 

I can not make any one believe me and that is okay. All I can tell you is that I have to come to this site to express myself and get advice and stories of others that have been in similar situations.

 

I have nothing to gain from lying on a website full of strangers but, I understand that people do such things.

 

I have no idea what is going on in my xAP life. I do not know what is going on in his M and he has no idea what is happening in mine. We never talked about leaving our spouses for one another. So clearing a way to him is not my goal....I will admit that it has crossed my mind but, I have no idea if it something he would do. Realistically, I know that would be an very hard path and really do not want to start a new relationship that way.

 

Like I said I can not make anyone to believe me.....I am coming here to help me sort out all my feelings and get others insight. Please feel free to PM if you would like. I am open to hearing any story.

[lovinDKT3]

I can not make any one believe me and that is okay. All I can tell you is that I have to come to this site to express myself and get advice and stories of others that have been in similar situations.

 

I have nothing to gain from lying on a website full of strangers but, I understand that people do such things.

 

I have no idea what is going on in my xAP life. I do not know what is going on in his M and he has no idea what is happening in mine. We never talked about leaving our spouses for one another. So clearing a way to him is not my goal....I will admit that it has crossed my mind but, I have no idea if it something he would do. Realistically, I know that would be an very hard path and really do not want to start a new relationship that way.

 

Like I said I can not make anyone to believe me.....I am coming here to help me sort out all my feelings and get others insight. Please feel free to PM if you would like. I am open to hearing any story.

 

Lucy, I didn't say you are lying. I believe that you believe what your saying. What I'm saying is you can't trust your thoughts or feelings right now.

 

I PM'd you

[Lucygolds]

Lucy, I didn't say you are lying. I believe that you believe what your saying. What I'm saying is you can't trust your thoughts or feelings right now.

 

I PM'd you

 

Thank you for sharing, I did try to reply to your PM twice. It does not look like it went through. If you got two long messages from me, I am sorry....and you are right I most likely can not trust my feelings right now.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Lucy, no one here can tell you what is true or not true about your marriage. It does seem true that affairs can blind someone to their current marriage, but if my husband was at strip bars or looking up other women online, I would be darn unhappy and no one should be surprised that I may stray. Not saying your marriage isn't save able, but the details you gave about the hubby are not at all flattering toward him. I wouldn't stand for any of it. Maybe you don't want to leave him, but to say you are not telling be truth? What more do we really need to know beyond the strip bar mentions? Yuck,

[Lucygolds]

Lucy, no one here can tell you what is true or not true about your marriage. It does seem true that affairs can blind someone to their current marriage, but if my husband was at strip bars or looking up other women online, I would be darn unhappy and no one should be surprised that I may stray. Not saying your marriage isn't save able, but the details you gave about the hubby are not at all flattering toward him. I wouldn't stand for any of it. Maybe you don't want to leave him, but to say you are not telling be truth? What more do we really need to know beyond the strip bar mentions? Yuck,

 

I can understand the part about not being able to trust my feelings. I have been set back in my thinking by talking to my xAP. I keep hearing his words and his pain and feeling my own but, I do expect anything to come of it. It just really hurt and my judgment is not the best right now.

 

I also know some women do not mind their H going to strip clubs. My H had promised me when we were first married that he would only go if it were a bachelor party and I would always know in advance. I even suppose if I had told be before hand he was going to do it I would not be so upset. He broke a promise and well, so did I. I think what upsets me even more is that money was tight then and I was scrimping and he was doing this????

 

I do not plan on making any serious decisions about my M or xAP for a few months now. I do not even know when or if I will see or talk with my xAP again......I do not plan on trying to make that happen. I plan on staying in my house and trying to get along with my H......letting the feelings clear and seeing what needs to be done. In the mean time, getting myself into a better position in case I need to do things on my own.....

[A.Moscote]

I do not plan on making any serious decisions...

Yes take your time properly, no need to rush on any decision yet. Let yourself recover a little bit, both emotionally and physically. It's okay if you want to spent a little effort on making it pleasant between you and your H (though from your post it seems your H doesn't really reciprocate much), but be firm, don't let him bully you into anything.

 

Honestly, your courage and strength so far is very admirable. You confessed of your wrongdoings, trying to repair your M, and rather successfully keeping away from your AP. All three of them are very commendable, so don't beat down yourself too much just because you can't totally control your emotions. Be patient and conscience, take things one at a time, evaluate the whole situations properly.

 

I'm sure at this rate and self-control that you have, and if you can avoid falling back into the A, you will eventually see which is the best way for you to go.

Take care, good luck.

[Lucygolds]

Yes take your time properly, no need to rush on any decision yet. Let yourself recover a little bit, both emotionally and physically. It's okay if you want to spent a little effort on making it pleasant between you and your H (though from your post it seems your H doesn't really reciprocate much), but be firm, don't let him bully you into anything.

 

Honestly, your courage and strength so far is very admirable. You confessed of your wrongdoings, trying to repair your M, and rather successfully keeping away from your AP. All three of them are very commendable, so don't beat down yourself too much just because you can't totally control your emotions. Be patient and conscience, take things one at a time, evaluate the whole situations properly.

 

I'm sure at this rate and self-control that you have, and if you can avoid falling back into the A, you will eventually see which is the best way for you to go.

Take care, good luck.

 

 

Thank you. My main focus is making a better life for me and my girls right now.

 

My biggest fear is letting myself fall back in to the A. It would be so easy to just let it happen. I am pretty sure that when he approached me last weekend that he was fishing for something.....I have been practicing a conversation, in case he approaches me again, where I tell him if he is working on his M and staying with his W then he can not keep talking to me.

 

As for my H, he has been talking about looking for a new job and moving.....I have told him the kids and I will not move anywhere right now. Our lives are upside down and we are staying put so if he really wants that then he needs to make sure he can afford to pay for us and his own apartment. Oh and child care when I get my certification and start working more. So far he agrees....I doubt he will really get a job that will move him away though.....

[beach]

Here is where I am currently......If you would have told me that I would have an affair I would have called you insane. I never could understand why someone would not just get a divorce if they were that unhappy. My H and I suffered through some very hard times and our already rocky relationship just got bad. I felt so alone and lost. I could not even say out loud that my marriage was falling apart.

 

Every time I tried to talk to my husband he told me I was crazy, called me names. I felt broken. Believe me, I am not offering this as an excuse or trying to justify my actions. I know having an affair was the wrong choice. I know how badly I have hurt my family, his family, my husband, his wife, him and myself. I regret all the pain I have caused. D day was just a week and half ago. His W found some emails he forgot to delete. She sent me a message saying to stop screwing around with her H. He then sent me an email saying he was caught and this was it. He apologized for dragging me into it and for compromising our marriages. He told me goodbye and ask for me not to reply. I was well aware that this is how it would be.

 

We never made any promises to leave our spouses. We just wanted to be what each other needed. We told one another that we loved our spouses and families and if we were caught that it would be over. I have not and will not try to contact him. We as are no longer friends on FB and I have deleted his email. I never did have his phone number nor did he have mine. We met at the gym but I have not been going. Which really sucks because I am truly a gym rat. The build up and of us becoming friends and growing closer was at least 6 months maybe closer to a year. The relationship was almost 6 months. It was mostly us workouting and emailing.

 

We got together for sex every few weeks sometimes more sometimes less. Our feelings were getting pretty intense. He had always told me that it was more that just liking me. He even said he loved me once in an email. He told me I consumed him and not just thoughts of sex. I felt excatly the same. It was getting so hard. I really wanted to have a conversation about all this and the possibility of us walking away but this happened first. I kind of wonder if he was waiting to get caught as he said the only way he could leave me was if we were torn apart.

 

Anyway, a few days after his W found the emails she found dirty pics I had sent him. God, why did he not delete them after she found the emails? She sent me another message saying she knew everything and had all the pictures. Enough evidence for a judge. She said she was going to my H. I have already confessed everything to my H. For the time being we are going to try and work things out. I plan to set up counseling for myself and for us both.

 

I really want to make this effort with my H. The effort I should have made long ago instead of finding comfort with another man. I am not sure it is going to work or if we will end up D. If my H is willing I will do what it takes. Here is the confusing part. While, I feel horriblefor what I have done to my H and am sick over all the pain I have caused. I am still grieving for the loss of my AP. He was my friend and everyday we talked. I miss him and wonder how is doing.

 

I wonder if he misses me or if he hates and blames me. He W accused me of taking advantage of him in a bad time. I hate to think that this may be how he feels. In the middle of his pursuit of me he did get some bad news and I honestly felt like this bonded us even more. I had been through something similar. I wonder why his wife did not go to my H? I wonder if he had anything to do with that or did she just decided to stay out of it. I wonder if he will ever try to contact me again. I am sure he will not for some time. I wonder if I will ever run into him. I wonder if he will be able to fix his M and finally find the happiness he was looking for.

 

I absolutely will not try to contact him. I do not want to cause him or his family anymore problems. I hate thinking of him. I hate that I miss him. I just want the pain to end so I can give the full attention to working on my M or moving on if my H decides he does mot want to continue. I am really hoping counseling will help with this but, right now I am paralyzed in grief for all of it. I feel terrible for feeling sorry for myself at all. I know it will all get easier in time but, for now it sucks.......

 

You say that you're trying to fix the marriage - how do you plan to do that while you're still thinking about your MM and your affair?

[Lucygolds]

You say that you're trying to fix the marriage - how do you plan to do that while you're still thinking about your MM and your affair?

 

Yes, this my feelings about 6/7 weeks ago. A lot has come to light since then.....I won't claim to be perfect. ......but, to stop thinking about someone is easier said than done.

[Lucygolds]

Well, I just got another message from the xAP W. Telling me how much she hates me and how my H would be the next to understand her pain. My H knows so I am not afarid of her telling him. I have not responded to any of her messages. Should I? I know that nothing I can say will make it better.... I don't want to be a bitch to her. I do feel really bad about causing her pain. ......I don't want to fight and realize she has every right to hate me....

[Hope Shimmers]

Well, I just got another message from the xAP W. Telling me how much she hates me and how my H would be the next to understand her pain. My H knows so I am not afarid of her telling him. I have not responded to any of her messages. Should I? I know that nothing I can say will make it better.... I don't want to be a bitch to her. I do feel really bad about causing her pain. ......I don't want to fight and realize she has every right to hate me....

 

I would not respond to that kind of a message. It might be different if she were being civil. I wonder if she hates her H just as much?

 

Responding to hate messages will just pour gasoline on the fire.

[A.Moscote]

That's not the right tone to disclose an affair to other party (your H) and not to mention as well the wrong intention of inflicting pain. Just ignore her for now, don't let her words affect you too much, neither of you is ready for any meaningful interaction with each other yet.

 

She succumbed to her emotion, and is just lashing on the most obvious target unrelated to her, and that is you. Her world has crumbled, her own life partner betrayed her. Not many people is well-equipped to face such a trying time with calm and measures. However it doesn't excuse being nasty and mean to others, she shouldn't. Hope she can compose herself and move on positively, and you too.

As Hope Shimmers mentioned, be patient and keep the gasoline away.

[Lucygolds]

I suppose if she was being civil and just wanted answers I would do that but, this is her third message in almost 7 weeks. The last was over a month ago. My H said she did not message him. I am wondering if she knows her H talked to me but, I kind of think she would have mentioned that. Maybe he is just acting werid since talking to me......who knows. Here is the kicker.....she had the GPS feature turned on and she was at his work when she sent the message.

[jellybean89]

 

As for my H, he has been talking about looking for a new job and moving.....I have told him the kids and I will not move anywhere right now. Our lives are upside down and we are staying put so if he really wants that then he needs to make sure he can afford to pay for us and his own apartment. Oh and child care when I get my certification and start working more. So far he agrees....I doubt he will really get a job that will move him away though.....

 

Why is it his job to pay for you? Yes, he has a legal financial responsibility to HELP support his children, but so do you. Same with child care...that is usually a split cost.

 

Going to a strip club isn't in the same ballpark as having an affair...looking at women vs having sex with another man (and the emotional relationship) is like comparing apples to pineapples, in my view. It seems like you want to imply that what he allegedly did (as you have no proof besides gossip that he went to strip clubs quite a while ago) is just as bad, if not worse, than what you did.

 

Legally, you both are financially responsible for the children and a court would hold you financially responsible. They don't care that you want to be a personal trainer, they want you to have a job that enables you to support yourself and they kids.

 

Did you expect his wife not to be pissed? 3 messages in 7 weeks isn't a big deal. Did you expect her to ask you kindly why you had an affair with her spouse? How is her telling you she hates you such a horrible mean thing? Again, did you expect her to just sit quietly and be happy?

 

I hope she lets her H have the majority of her anger, but you really can't expect her to not try to hurt you after you did to hurt her...and before you say it, yes her marriage is her responsibility, but you chose to willingly have an affair with a married man. When you (general you) make decisions that affect other people, you can't be shocked when they strike back.

[Hope Shimmers]

Why is it his job to pay for you? Yes, he has a legal financial responsibility to HELP support his children, but so do you. Same with child care...that is usually a split cost.

 

Going to a strip club isn't in the same ballpark as having an affair...looking at women vs having sex with another man (and the emotional relationship) is like comparing apples to pineapples, in my view. It seems like you want to imply that what he allegedly did (as you have no proof besides gossip that he went to strip clubs quite a while ago) is just as bad, if not worse, than what you did.

 

Legally, you both are financially responsible for the children and a court would hold you financially responsible. They don't care that you want to be a personal trainer, they want you to have a job that enables you to support yourself and they kids.

 

Did you expect his wife not to be pissed? 3 messages in 7 weeks isn't a big deal. Did you expect her to ask you kindly why you had an affair with her spouse? How is her telling you she hates you such a horrible mean thing? Again, did you expect her to just sit quietly and be happy?

 

I hope she lets her H have the majority of her anger, but you really can't expect her to not try to hurt you after you did to hurt her...and before you say it, yes her marriage is her responsibility, but you chose to willingly have an affair with a married man. When you (general you) make decisions that affect other people, you can't be shocked when they strike back.

 

Three messages in seven weeks is three too many when the message is "I hate you!" Adults have a responsibility to act like adults, not like they are in middle school. Pain isn't a ticket to be able to do whatever you (general you) want and say whatever you want.

 

As for the strip club - I think this is just one of the things that define this man as not much of a husband. Mostly it is his controlling personality that does so.

 

Yes, she is financially responsible to the kids, but the courts (at least here) take into account who is making the money. If, prior to the divorce, the wife is taking care of the kids and isn't working, she will get most of the financial support for the kids from the husband - as well as alimony (suppoit for herself), in most cases.