Wondering why? [update]

[Lucygolds]

Well, I went to MC by myself. He gave me 5 crazy demands that I had to agree to 100% or he would not go. I really felt like these demands were only designed to control me. They were

1- no gym for 3 weeks.

Now when this all first happened I did agree to stop going to the gym and did not go for a bit but when I found some holes in his story about the waitresses he agreed to forgive me and let me go back to the gym if I stopped talking about it. Also, he made the comment that I should have to get fat again because he no problem with other men wanting me when I was fat. So it really feels like this is to control me not because of my A.

 

2- I give him all my passwords. Which I am okay with if he will give me his. This is how I found out about the waitress. That he said he did not know.

 

3- I can not go with friends or do anything without his permission. I am fine with telling him my plans and staying home if he wants to do something but, ask his permission?

 

4- Take any job I am offered. I have worked our entire marriage with the exception of the last year. I only stopped working because we have always worked for the same company and his last promotion made it a conflict of interest to keep working there. I decided that this was a the time to change careers and focus on me a little. I have decided to enroll in personal trainer certification and have been working on that. We are not suffering for money. He just wants me to take some mall job. Plus he travels a lot for work. Minimum wage and part time would not be worth it if we have to pay child care.

 

5- I am never aloud to say he cheated. Now he has lied about knowing anyone named Sasha Marie. The story has changed many times. .....I know I will never have proof but I will never know the truth but I can not blindly say I believe he did nothing or never had intended on doing something.

 

He is being nicer today......Trying a little bit. I am just so confused to what I want. I don't know if we can work. Also, I am missing my exMOM so much. I want to talk to him so bad. I want to tell him all that is happening. ....he has no idea my husband knows. I wish I knew if he even wanted to talk to me and if he is going to be able to work things out with his wife. For all I know he hates me. I will not email him though. .....but I am so tempted. I don't want to make things worse if he is truly trying to R with his W. I have been tempted to say hello the two times I saw him at the gym and we made eye contact. I am afraid he won't respond. .....then I wonder if he thinks I don't want to speak to him. He may think I hate him for getting us caught for not keeping my pictures safe. It is so hard to have had a relationship with someone and it just ends. No more contact. .....I would not want to have an A again but is it sad that there is a small part of me that hopes we both end up divorced and could maybe try a real relationship down the road.This is all so confusing. .....So many different feelings and emotions between my exMOM and my H.

[Lucygolds]

My story is out there in posts. ....I am about 5 weeks out from dday. I have seen my exMOM twice at the gym but we did not talk. So, we are in NC because his W found out. I confessed to my H. I am working on me right now. I am hoping that my H and I can save our M but I really don't know how it will go right now. I am giving him time to processes this all.

 

Anyway, I keep seeing people post about exMOM coming back into the picture down the line. So, how long was it before he broke NC? I have seen 6 months or more. I don't want to start my A again. This has all been to painful. I know that my M will have no hope if I step out again. I have just been filled with anxiety wondering if he will ever try and break NC. I have no plans to email him at all but if he reaches out......I hope I will be strong enough.....

[Artie Lang]

if recovering your marriage is a priority, you'd find another gym or work-out at home.

[whatatangledweb]

My husband never broke NC and it has been three years. She tried many times but it never went to him. The last time she broke it she was ticked that he hadn't contacted her so I do know he didn't. I would say by reading these boards all this time , that it is around 50% that do.

 

If you want to save your marriage than you have to make sure it can not be broken.

[Lucygolds]

if recovering your marriage is a priority, you'd find another gym or work-out at home.

 

And, I have told my husband that this is something I am perfectly willing to do. I am in the process of getting my pereonal training certification, I have paid a lot of money for this. Also, I am still under contract at my current gym. My exMOM, said he would not go when I am usually there......I am a total gym rat and have been for way longer than my A. It is my lifestyle. Again, I do not mind changing gyms. My H does not want to pay for another gym.....I have actually been looking to work in a different gym and get a free membership. So even though your comment really has nothing to do with my question and from my post you do know everything about my situation. Thank you for your input.

[Lucygolds]

My husband never broke NC and it has been three years. She tried many times but it never went to him. The last time she broke it she was ticked that he hadn't contacted her so I do know he didn't. I would say by reading these boards all this time , that it is around 50% that do.

 

If you want to save your marriage than you have to make sure it can not be broken.

 

Thank you for you advice.

[gettingstronger]

We are 16 months in reconciliation. She had intruded numerous times sometimes begging for him to contact her so I also know he has not. I agree with the others, about 50/50 but you should be more worried about how to work on your marriage than if he's going to reach out. Good luck.

[Friskyone4u]

First of all, I need to question how much you think your husband wants to R with you. You said you see not sure how that was working out. The reason I ask that is because it seems like you would be willing to switch gyms to avoid xAP but your husband does not want to spend money.

If I was your husband and had any interest in staying with you I would be demanding , not asking, for you to go to another gym even if I had to get a second job or you did to pay for it. I would also be demanding that every method you have of communication was changed so that you would not have to worry about him contacting you because his messages would be returned as undeliverable . If I then found any contact at all I would move your stuff into the street. So I would be concerned that he is willing to have you right where OM can find you over some dollars.

[Artie Lang]

be pro-active. don't wait for your husband to sign-off on something that could very well damage your reconciliation. you need to show all parties involved, including yourself, that you mean business and the affair is truly over.

 

actions speak louder than words, remember that.

 

 

in your particular situation, you definetly need to go complete NC.

Edited May 29, 2014 by Artie Lang

[Lucygolds]

First of all, I need to question how much you think your husband wants to R with you. You said you see not sure how that was working out. The reason I ask that is because it seems like you would be willing to switch gyms to avoid xAP but your husband does not want to spend money.

If I was your husband and had any interest in staying with you I would be demanding , ot asking, for you to go to another gym even if I had to get a second job or you did to pay for it. I would also be demanding that every method you have of communication was changed so that you would not have to worry about him contacting you because his messages would be returned as undeliverable . If I then found any contact at all I would move your stuff into the street. So I would be concerned that he is willing to have you right where OM can find you over some dollars.

 

I have not posted every single detail about what my H has asked/demands of me. Nor, have I posted every single detail of the problems my H and I have had in the past and lines he has crossed. while I do appericate any advice, I asked a specific question that I am looking for an answer to. Not weather my H and I will truly R. If he decides he does not want to R then I will deal with that when it comes. I know I made a terrible mistake and will have to suffer any consequence that comes along with that.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

My story is out there in posts. ....I am about 5 weeks out from dday. I have seen my exMOM twice at the gym but we did not talk. So, we are in NC because his W found out. I confessed to my H. I am working on me right now. I am hoping that my H and I can save our M but I really don't know how it will go right now. I am giving him time to processes this all.

 

Anyway, I keep seeing people post about exMOM coming back into the picture down the line. So, how long was it before he broke NC? I have seen 6 months or more. I don't want to start my A again. This has all been to painful. I know that my M will have no hope if I step out again. I have just been filled with anxiety wondering if he will ever try and break NC. I have no plans to email him at all but if he reaches out......I hope I will be strong enough.....

There is no set definitive time line so to speak. Every situation appears to be different. If he truly cares about his marriage, he should never contact you. If he's a selfish jerk, he will contact you when he feels like it. In most situations...it's not about YOU...it's about HIM and his needs and wants.

My situation..it was I think 9 weeks...jerkoff showed up at a store I was shopping at on Valentine's day..how fitting. Talked for another 2 months and one day I decided I was done. Haven't talked to him in 5 weeks...and I couldn't be happier!! He did call a few times and I ignored, and will continue to do so.

Nothing...and I mean nothing will come from him contacting you. Remember that! You don't want to hear from him...unless you want to continue the affair. You can't be friends...it doesn't work and especially if you are planning on staying with your husband. That's just my two cents...and insight from my own experience...that went on for almost 4 years.

[Patna]

Mine contacted me the day immediately after Dday to tell me his wife had read my emails to him, that we cannot have contact anymore & he promised his wife that. Well... He came over to my house 5 days later and we had low contact for 2 months. The EA and PA resumed back to its initial stages after 2 months and he continues contacting me everyday and seeing me 1-3 times a week. I went NC for 1.5 months in April, but he kept breaking NC until I finally gave in. I thought all is over on Dday but it didn't. I'm don't want to have a 2nd Dday and have been finding new hobbies and stuffs to occupy my time, so that hopefully I can one day be strong enough to walk off. And I pray the day is soon.

[joanofark]

And, I have told my husband that this is something I am perfectly willing to do. I am in the process of getting my pereonal training certification, I have paid a lot of money for this. Also, I am still under contract at my current gym. My exMOM, said he would not go when I am usually there......I am a total gym rat and have been for way longer than my A. It is my lifestyle. Again, I do not mind changing gyms. My H does not want to pay for another gym.....I have actually been looking to work in a different gym and get a free membership. So even though your comment really has nothing to do with my question and from my post you do know everything about my situation. Thank you for your input.

 

gym shmym. i have changed gyms three times since my affair. either you want to be with your husband or you don't. this other guy is a coward and thought that he was a player that wouldn't get caught, but lookie here wow omg he did!! sever the ties and do what you need to do so that you and your husband either together or apart can be happy.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have not posted every single detail about what my H has asked/demands of me. Nor, have I posted every single detail of the problems my H and I have had in the past and lines he has crossed. while I do appericate any advice, I asked a specific question that I am looking for an answer to. Not weather my H and I will truly R. If he decides he does not want to R then I will deal with that when it comes. I know I made a terrible mistake and will have to suffer any consequence that comes along with that.

 

What you're most interested in is whether your (x)MM will continue contact. Am I right? That's what's paramount in your mind?

 

Probably, depending on his particular situation, as you will read here, most do. One week, two weeks, six months, a year or six. Many do. Have you ever stopped to imagine what happens in their life for them to choose this?

 

Your choices are being guided by your heart's hopes and dreams. Your mind's logic needs to take over. Choose carefully.

[Bittersweetie]

So, how long was it before he broke NC? I have seen 6 months or more. I don't want to start my A again. This has all been to painful. I know that my M will have no hope if I step out again. I have just been filled with anxiety wondering if he will ever try and break NC. I have no plans to email him at all but if he reaches out......I hope I will be strong enough.....

 

In my case, it's been 4.5 years without a peep. And that is fine with me.

 

You hope you will strong enough if he reaches out? No..you CHOOSE to be strong enough. Good luck.

[Lucygolds]

Let me make it clear that I am not hoping for my exMOM to contact me. I will be honest in saying, yes, I have very strong feelings for this man . However, I do know that it can never work if we are both married. It was so hard to have such strong feelings for someone that was not mine and never would be. I DO NOT want to go back to that. With all that being said.....you can not stop your heart from feeling.....my head knows but my heart still grieves and it will take time. I understand nothing about this is right.

 

I asked the question because I am worried he will pop back up and it will be very hard to say no. I know I have to be strong and that it will never work if we are both or one of us is still married. I worry that he may pop back up because about 3 weeks into NC he showed up at the gym during a time that I was very likely to be there. Which he said he would not. We did not talk but that is most likely because every time he was near me I walked in the other direction. I am pretty sure he was there to see if I would talk to him.

 

I have been doing my best to focus on bettering myself. I have been applying for jobs in gyms, since I am studying to be a personal trainer. If I get a job at another gym I do not have to work out where my exMOM does.

 

Yesterday I was offered a job at the Rec center doing new member orientations. When I get my certification then they will let me train there. Today I visited another gym that is willing to let me come in and shadow their trainers and help me learn how to do this and once I get my certification they will let me work there as well. I have another interview tomorrow and I was feeling just a bit happy for the first time since dday.

 

Then, I got a phone call.....now let me say my M was very broken before my A. No, I am not offering this as an excuse or justification. I should have tried harder to fix things or push for D but, I could not even admit to myself that my M was in trouble. My H always wanted to sweep any problems under the rug and I let him. The phone call I got was from a friend. Her nephew worked with my H a few years a go. He told her that my H had taken him to a strip club one night. Offered to pay for lap dances but, the did not get them but he had cash to give the girls on stage.

 

Now, my H had promised me when were first married that he would not go to these places unless it was a bachelor party or some special occasion and I would always know. He has told me that he has not gone to places like this at all during our M. What makes me even more upset then him actually going to a strip club is the fact that were very strapped for cash at this time. I am not to spend more than $80 a week on food for a family of 4 but he can go out to strip clubs? Where did the money come from? It was not coming out of our main account. Does he have an account I do not know of??? Is it advance on our CC? How often has he done this? He lied, big time. Maybe he did not sleep or have a relationship with someone else but, this with the stuff about the waitress......I know some of you may say that because I did wrong I am digging to place blame on my H but, really these are lies. Maybe not as wrong as what I did but all this happened before I had an A.....and if he is lying this much what else is he lying about and how broken is our M.

 

This all sucks.....

[lissa24]

I am curious to those that are the BS, does or did the length of the affair make a difference?

[jwi71]

Let me make it clear that I am not hoping for my exMOM to contact me. I will be honest in saying, yes, I have very strong feelings for this man

 

The above does NOT jive with..

I asked the question because I am worried he will pop back up and it will be very hard to say no.

 

This.

 

If you WANT to KNOW why you have to quite the gym - its that confused mess you wrote above. You kow, the place you met, had your A and continue to "Accidentally see each other yet pretend like you don't".

 

Neither one of you is taking any healthy and pertinent steps towards R. Its all games and power plays as I see it.

 

My advice is for you to begin thinking about a D. Do some research, maybe even get a free consult, start thinking about what steps might be prudent in safe-guarding your rights/assets. I see NOTHING that suggests this M will last too much longer.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I am so sorry you are hurting. There is so much pain in these unresolved affairs particularly if NC is quickly thrown into a relationship. It gives no resolution.

 

I doubt he thinks you were taking advantage of him, he is an adult and can control himself regardless of life circumstances. You too were having problems so it could also be his fault too.

 

But I do think a counselor is necessary. Since you are feeling badly about the pain you caused, I would tell your husband you feel badly and hopefully it will bring you closer together.

 

None of us know your husband so only you can judge if he is kind to you and is someone you can repair your marriage. You have indicated neglect in he past, but sometimes that can be changed.

 

I hope he does into MC with you and that you implement these changes. I understand grief disabling someone. Just have faith that this will pass with time.

 

Huge hugs and love to you. I hope you find peace, I hope that we all find what we need and heal.

[Lucygolds]

It is so interesting to see different options of people. All depending on if they were a OM/OW, BW, or BH.

 

Anyway, yes this is all a mess and most certainly my feelings are a mess. My world has fallen apart and yes I know that it is mostly my fault. I betrayed my family and his family. If you knew me in RL you would be shocked. All my family and friends were. I am not this kind of person. I let my heart take over.

 

I have since learned of many lies and betrayals from my H and it is going to take a lot to get through this. I do have the pain of what I have done to two families. I do feel terrible about what exMOM and I did, in that aspect. On the other hand, I did love my exMOM. I do miss him being a part of my life.

 

I am focusing on bettering myself. I worked out at the other gym, that is letting me shadow their trainers and is going to teach me. They are letting me come in for free and it is nice. I don't know how long they will let me do this but this is less time I will be at the other gym. I am hoping this will lead to a job once I get my certification.

 

I am starting to see just how much I changed my life to spend time with my exMOM and I missed the workouts I did before him. It was nice to kill it like I did today!

 

I know that I will not email my exMOM. I will not attempt to contact him at all. We live in the same town. It is likely I will run into him at sometime weather it is the gym or some other place but, NO I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO CONTACT HIM. I do not want to hurt his family or my own anymore that I already have. I do not want to go back to the pain of a double life. Even though it is taking everything I have got not to send him an email. I will not. I can not promise that I will never speak to him if I see him or respond if he emails me. I think with time I can say that I will not.

 

I don't know if my H and I can fix all our problems but, I am ready to face whatever happens. I am going to IC. I hope we can go to MC. This is the one good thing that came from my A. I am way more confident than I was before. I am really doing this personal training thing. It was only something I talked about before and never thought I could be successful. I never would have had the nerve to get into IC and deal with the problems in my M. I was a shell of a woman and I have rediscovered who I am.

 

Most of all I am using this as a place to vent and express my confusing and conflicting feelings. I know you all won't like me but, I can not change the past. Only make a better future.

Edited May 30, 2014 by Lucygolds
left out info

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Good for you for being so honest and vulnerable at the same time. So glad you could find some strength through this. I suppose whether or not other people don't like you is insignificant, as long as you know you are trying your best is all that matters

[Lucygolds]

So guess who broke NC???? Not me!

 

I am sure I will get ripped for this but, yes I was at the gym. Yes, yes I know change gyms. I have explained this over and over again in the above and I have started an internship at another gym and will hopefully be working at another, just a few hours, so that I am able to workout for free and spend less time at the same gym as exMOM.

 

Anyway, I went through my workout and did not even look at him. He had come up close to me a few times, I could see him in the mirror, but I did not make eye contact. When I was getting ready to leave he was sitting on the bench my bag was under. So, I walked up and grabbed my bag and was getting ready to walk away when he said. This really hard. So, yes I sat down and said yes it is. He was quiet for a few then said we have to act like strangers when we are not and it is really hard. I again said yes this is very hard. After a few moments of awkward silence he then said, " I have cried for you many times" I think I almost laughed and then said yeah me too.....more awkward silence and then he said goodbye or maybe he said see ya....I don't really remember.

 

Sucks....I wanted to say more but did not want to say to much. UGHHH, just venting.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sitting down and sharing your feelings is breaking NC. Not leaving when you see him there is breaking NC. What did your H say about what transpired?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Wow. I can't believe it! And so do you feel relieved to know at least that he is feeling these feelings with you? Is it harder now?

 

0

So guess who broke NC???? Not me!

 

I am sure I will get ripped for this but, yes I was at the gym. Yes, yes I know change gyms. I have explained this over and over again in the above and I have started an internship at another gym and will hopefully be working at another, just a few hours, so that I am able to workout for free and spend less time at the same gym as exMOM.

 

Anyway, I went through my workout and did not even look at him. He had come up close to me a few times, I could see him in the mirror, but I did not make eye contact. When I was getting ready to leave he was sitting on the bench my bag was under. So, I walked up and grabbed my bag and was getting ready to walk away when he said. This really hard. So, yes I sat down and said yes it is. He was quiet for a few then said we have to act like strangers when we are not and it is really hard. I again said yes this is very hard. After a few moments of awkward silence he then said, " I have cried for you many times" I think I almost laughed and then said yeah me too.....more awkward silence and then he said goodbye or maybe he said see ya....I don't really remember.

 

Sucks....I wanted to say more but did not want to say to much. UGHHH, just venting.

[Lucygolds]

Wow. I can't believe it! And so do you feel relieved to know at least that he is feeling these feelings with you? Is it harder now?

 

0

 

Part of me does feel relived to know he his hurting as well. Then again, I have read so much on these boards I have to wonder if this is his way of keeping me on a hook until he feels like the coast is clear or is it his honest feelings? It broke my heart to hear him say he has cried for me.....