Wondering why? [update]

[Mickey1982]

I may be spinning this off-topic, but beyond my mother and father (even that is doubful). I can think of nobody in my life, I would tell if I knew beyond a reasonable doubt, there husband or partner was having an affair.

 

So, while it isn't MY XMM BS, or SO. Or something in the affair equation that involves me, I'm just not going to do it. The reason are many. Of course, I'm also against telling the BS anything.

 

I have kept secrets from husbands or wives when told by the ther that I probably shouldn't have. But, at some point it just isn't my place.

 

That was my point in all of my posts exactly, but no one seemed to get it!

 

I am not saying that it is right or wrong to divulge an affair, but I feel the responsibility lies SOLELY with the WS and the BS. I see no reason for the BS of the AP to feel the NEED to tell this information because they feel the BS deserves the truth about their life. It is none of their business to tell!!!!! And, to say that they are doing this because their life was ‘screwed’ and they don’t feel bad about it. It’s retaliation at its best!

 

Comparing a doctor telling a patient that they have cancer is not the same thing by any means. It’s not an equal comparable. IT’s like comparing apples and oranges and ridiculous.

 

I guess I just see no reason to inflict additional pain---especially to ‘feel better” which I feel is the root of the reason.

[whatatangledweb]

I have seen where the BS waited six months. It ate at her that he didn't know what had been done to him. So she finally told. Most I have seen have waited weeks to months to say anything. Some do it for revenge. Some do it because they would have wanted the OBS to tell them if they knew first. Some do it so there are two sets of eyes watching them.

[gettingstronger]

I had no intention of telling her husband until she would not leave us alone. Even then, I waited a few weeks after telling her to back off or I'd tell her husband so he could help keep her in line. She still bitches at me for how horrible I was for telling her husband.

[spookysonata]

I got what you were saying, Mickey. I just disagree.

Believe it or not, some ws don't want to tell their spouses they cheated. I just don't believe the other bs has an obligation to keep secrets for the cheaters.

The pain is caused by the affair, not the person who tells the truth.

[Tullyseptember]

Do you think perhaps Lucy that since you confessed to your Husband the OM's wife knows this somehow and has decided against speaking with your Husband? I was in two relationships where my partners stepped outside of the relationship and I sure wish someone anyone told me the truth. If the OW had told me herself I would not have had any angry towards her. I would have respected her honesty at that point to share what I so desperate in need of which was answers. I know the men who I was each involved with should have answered but that didn't happen. For me the missing info was driving me mad! I've moved past it now and have learnt people can believe so differently in what I may think is the right way which of course works vice versa. I hope you are taking care of your needs Lucy through this difficult time.

[DeadEyedSuburbanite]

That was my point in all of my posts exactly, but no one seemed to get it!

 

I am not saying that it is right or wrong to divulge an affair, but I feel the responsibility lies SOLELY with the WS and the BS. I see no reason for the BS of the AP to feel the NEED to tell this information because they feel the BS deserves the truth about their life. It is none of their business to tell!!!!! And, to say that they are doing this because their life was ‘screwed’ and they don’t feel bad about it. It’s retaliation at its best!

 

Comparing a doctor telling a patient that they have cancer is not the same thing by any means. It’s not an equal comparable. IT’s like comparing apples and oranges and ridiculous.

 

I guess I just see no reason to inflict additional pain---especially to ‘feel better” which I feel is the root of the reason.

 

I will never believe that comforting lies are preferable to painful truth. I understand what you're saying, I just don't agree with it. Honesty is always the best policy IMO.

 

I believe the cancer comparison is apt because affairs are like a disease eating away at the marriage. Whether or not the BS knows about it, damage is being done.

 

I once had a boyfriend who cheated on me for the last six months of our relationship. I didn't find out about his affair until after we broke up, but the pain was still huge and in retrospect a lot of the things that were going on (ie his emotional unavailability, etc) coincided with the affair and I believe was a major contributing factor in our breakup.

 

Had someone told me at the start it probably would have felt worse but I would have been in a much better position to make major life choices with the knowledge that I should have had.

 

So yes, I just can't agree with you that the BS has no business telling the other BS about the affair.

[Partlys4int]

Maybe you two were meant to be, maybe not. The huge stigma that goes with an affair is the dissolvent of what could've been something greater.

You skipped a few steps (divorce? counseling? who knows...).

 

I feel for you, time can be such a cruel measure in lives to come together.

 

Were you at fault? Partly, an affair is never okay imo.

But at the same time you did follow your heart- and from what I've read it was not merely lust- and for that, one can applaud you. For it is a thing to do that has equal parts stupidity as it has bravery.

 

As cruel as time can be, it's also as good as covering things up. Your wounds.

Wish you well.

[Lucygolds]

Thank you. I did skip a lot of steps and did things all wrong. I don't know if we are supposed to be together or not. Maybe this is all ment to bring my marriage to a much better place in time. Maybe it will lead me to divorce, which I never would have had the nerve to peruse with out this experience. Maybe it will bring me back to my exMOM, if we both find ourselves single or lead me to the true love of my life. I know in time that I will be where I should be. I am having a hard day. I saw my exMOM while driving. I don't think he saw me. He was alone....I don't think I have ever randomly seen him driving before.

[Lucygolds]

Do you think perhaps Lucy that since you confessed to your Husband the OM's wife knows this somehow and has decided against speaking with your Husband? I was in two relationships where my partners stepped outside of the relationship and I sure wish someone anyone told me the truth. If the OW had told me herself I would not have had any angry towards her. I would have respected her honesty at that point to share what I so desperate in need of which was answers. I know the men who I was each involved with should have answered but that didn't happen. For me the missing info was driving me mad! I've moved past it now and have learnt people can believe so differently in what I may think is the right way which of course works vice versa. I hope you are taking care of your needs Lucy through this difficult time.

 

I truly do not think she would know. I have not spoken to my exMOM and we really do not have friends in common. I have not posted anything to FB...nor has my H. My H really does not want people to know at this point. I don't know how she would know. ..

[Lucygolds]

It will be 2 weeks on Monday since D day. I saw him randomly driving today. I don't think I have randomly seen him driving before. It sucks :'(

[Ladydrib]

I can not stop wondering why my exMOM's wife never went to my husband. She sent me two messages. The first saying if I did not leave her H alone she would go to my husband. The second was after she found dirty pictures I had sent to him. She said she had them all printed and it was enough evidence for a judge. She said she had plenty to share with my husband. I assume that my exMOM and his W are trying to work things out. We have had NC for about a week and half now. I have confessed to my husband and we are going to try. It has been over a week since she found the pictures and she never contacted my husband. Why would she not?

 

She probably doesn't want your husband to leave you because if you're available her husband might leave her.

[Soverysad123]

Sending you a very big hug. You are hurting, sorry xx

[EverySunset]

my mother summed it up best. When I was 6.

 

life ain't fair girl.

[Lucygolds]

Monday was 2 weeks since his W found that we were having an EA and he told me goodbye. We have had NC since. It is what I expected. We never made promises and said we would try to save our marriages if we were found out but, were falling deep. We both were so scared of what we were feeling. Anyway, today has been 2 weeks since his W found it was more than just an EA. I also confessed all to my husband. When my exMOM sent goodbye email he said he would start going to the gym later in the day so we would not run into each other . He also has a membership to another gym through work. Today he was at the gym. Typically him and I would do spin class at noon on Thursdays. I have been avoiding spin.....but I went in a little before noon to lift. He knew it was possible to see me. We did not talk. I mostly hid and called a friend. We did make eye contact at the water fountains. He gave a sorry/I want to talk to you but I can't look. I left before him. When he came out he walked up close to my car but just kept going......Why did he do this? I was starting to feel better.......

[Goodbye]

If you want to heal, I'd suggest joining a different gym.

[Lucygolds]

If you want to heal, I'd suggest joining a different gym.

 

My contract won't be up for at least another year. There are not many choices for gyms around here and the next best one is the other gym he belongs to. I am a gym rat and studying to become a personal trainer. So going to another gym or quitting is not really an option. He has options, he said he would stay away. I know I can't trust in that but I just need to vent.

[Snipercatt]

Perhaps focusing on the facts and not reading into things will help you heal faster.

 

Instead of "He gave me that ____ look" just state the fact - "We happened to glance at each other."

 

Instread of "Why did he have to walk nrar my car?" Just say to yourself that he walked near your car.

 

You are in charge of your healing and controlling how you think is a good place to start. Seriously!

[Lucygolds]

I am working so hard on picking up all the pieces and fix my life. Today has just been a hard one. I am missing my exMOM. It hurt seeing him the other day. In one way it was good. I know he came to the gym with hopes of seeing me and I know he is missing me but none of this will help either of us move on and fix our marriages. I know it will all work out for the best and one day I will be happy but, today is just a hard one.

[jwi71]

I am working so hard on picking up all the pieces and fix my life. Today has just been a hard one.

 

These will come and go. Some days are easier - others are not.

This isn't just a journey - its an epic - time frame to recover (if you do) is measured in YEARS - the ubiquitous "they" say, on average, 5 - 7 years. As a BH myself - I concur. It was YEARS before my now xW's affair became simply "something that happened" - about 4 I'd say if I had to pick a number.

 

I am missing my exMOM. It hurt seeing him the other day. In one way it was good. I know he came to the gym with hopes of seeing me and I know he is missing me but none of this will help either of us move on and fix our marriages.

 

I'll parrot others - quit the gym. It's NOT healthy for you. Certainly not for your M. Did you tell your H that your xMM goes to your gym - that you saw him there? That it is highly likely you will see him again?

 

You disrespect your H, his BS and, yes, even yourself. Every "interaction" like this sets you back. Why make a long and difficult road longer and harder?

 

I know it will all work out for the best and one day I will be happy but, today is just a hard one.

 

Ultimately yes - your life is not over.

Your M on the other hand hangs in the balance.

 

Every decision you make is viewed as what you value - this is ALWAYS true - we choose what we value. To stay or leave the M. Everything you say and do is heavily scrutinized by your H - I PROMISE - you only get 10% of his thoughts and emotions. If you want your M to survive - then you need to put your M first. Put your H first. Say and do only that which is support and affirmative to him and your M. And I mean this in the following light:

 

Choose your M by QUITTING your gym (you value your M over the gym)

Choose your M by being honest (you value the M by not lying).

Choose your M by...choosing your M.

 

Because the alternative is "I value my gym over my M" - and that's exactly how it will be received. Especially if xMM attends and you continue to "run in to him" there.

 

Actually...do you want your M to survive?

[Lucygolds]

There is so much more to fixing my M than just my A. I know that I should have took these steps before the A. My H and I have been broken for a long time. I am not offering this as an excuse or justification but, as a fact. I know I made a very bad mistake, as far as my M is concerned and this is my responsibility. At first, I did agree to stop going to the gym. Yes, my H knows that is where I met my exMOM. Yes, he knows that I will very likely see him there. He knows that much of our relationship took place at the gym. I did not go to the gym for about a week and a half until a conversation with my H, to where he made some mistakes with OW but says he never crossed a line. He said I will forgive you and you can go back to the gym if you stop bring this up. So, yeah.......I am hoping that we can figure this all out in MC or figure out how to part peacefully for our kids. When I say I go to the gym, I am not talking about a pass time here. Working out is my lifestyle. ....I have invested a lot of time in my body and am studying to become a personal trainer. Getting certified cost money. My H still very much wants me to do this. I need to make a career for myself and my kids......I spent my life working for my H and boosting his career. There are not many gyms in this area and my exMOM belongs to two of them. Quitting the gym is not really an option. ....I have been working out long before I met my exMOM and will not quit now. I know most people don't really understand the life of a gym rat but I can tell quitting is NOT healthy for me. Seeing my exMOM is not healthy for either of us. I am just trying to vent here. My exMOM has options. He can go later in the day or to the other gym, which he said he would do. I don't understand why he would choose to go at a time I might be there. I don't understand why he did nothing but give me a sad face........I am hoping he won't show up like that again. If he does then I will have to try to make adjustments. I don't have options on my gym time and he knows it......I am sad, frustrated and angry. It ended quickly and with no closure. ....I don't ever want to hurt like this again. I have learned my lesson. ......Falling in love with someone you have no business loving and letting them love you is the worst way of doing it. I just want to move on with whatever my life will be and I wanted to vent.

[Lucygolds]

Well tomorrow my H and I are supposed to go to our first MC. He has been making threats of not going for days now. He is currently in a, I hate you, mood. I know that if I cant get him in MC that there is no hope for our M. I really do want to work it out. My H does not want a D but right now he is saying he is only staying because he does not want to be embarrassed and not for me. He says the kids hate him and he is gonna leave, go back to his home country and leave us. No mind you, he told the kids everything. I had no choice but to be honest with them. I have told them to be nice to their father and this is my fault. They are angry with him because he has made all these threats in front of them. I am in limbo. I know I should have never stepped out on my marriage and should have the guts to confront out problems but, I just could not. I am so confused. I do love my H but, we have been broken for so long. If he is not willing to work on things then we cant stay married. I know I still need to give it time but it is so hard. Also, I have not attempted any contact with my exMOM. God, I want to......I won't because I don't want to make things worse for either of us. I have seen him everywhere. I was behind him at a stop light yesterday and today I saw him at the gym again. I was there later than usual. We made eye contact once. .....I did not hide like last time. I went about my workout. I passed him on my way out......he was trying not to look at me. It was awkward and sad. I know I should not care and that my main focus is fixing my M or learning how to survive on my own. It is still hard though. ......I want to think our relationship ment something abd that he will always care just a bit for me. I don't want him back, unless we were both single but I would never ask him to leave his W and family for me. I would not want a relationship to start that way. I will never have another A. The pain is to great. I thought the pain my A was numbing was bad but, this is worse. I know this makes no sense......I am very confused about everything now........today is just a hard day.

[snappytomcat]

lucy

im sorry,your going through this.

as a bs myself,i also told my husband I hated him right after dday,I told him this a lot,and this is not like me I hated what his affair did to my soul,but he begged for me to go to mc,and I told him no way,and I did go kicking and screaming,and not with an open mind I might add,but after the 3rd session I did get more comfortable,and glad I did go.

I do think what your husband is doing is normal,he is hurtand angry beyond words.

I hope you can find some peace in what ever you decide to do

take good care of yourself,and just try to be patient with your husband

[Lucygolds]

lucy

im sorry,your going through this.

as a bs myself,i also told my husband I hated him right after dday,I told him this a lot,and this is not like me I hated what hisbeair did to my soul,but he begged for me to go to mc,and I told him no way,ad go kicking and screaming,and not with an open mind I might add,but after the 3rd session I did get more comfortable,and glad I did go.

I do think what your husband is doing is normal,he is hurtand angry beyond words.

I hope you can find some peace in what ever you decide to do

take good care of yourself,and just try to be patient with your husband

 

Thank you for your words. I have begging him all night and he says no. He keeps saying he will go if I do certain things. He asked that I put the kids passports back, I hid them right after dday because he said he would take the kids home so I could never see them again. Trying to make an effort I put them back. He kept asking for more. .....he got angry today because I had lunch with my friends, I was celebrating what I did. Everything I do is wrong. .....it is so hard. He said I cant go to the gym for 3 weeks......I already agreed to stop going once but he decided I could go after I started asking questions about a women he met at a restaurant. He says that if he confronts exMOM and no matter what he does I can't ever tell he was involved. Now, I honestly do not believe he will really do any harm.......but, where do I draw the line on his demands? He is so up and down......the thing that hurts the most is that he says he can walk away from the kids.....just walk out of their life because we are not his family. ....... what is the greif talking and what is real? Where do I say enough is enough? I am hoping the MC will help me figure this all out. .....even if I have to go alone.

[snappytomcat]

dear lucy

your situation is very hard,especially when he threatens to leave with the kids,and you will never see them again,now that's just mean.

I know with my xws,I had to finally reach a point if I wanted to reconcile,i had to stop punishing him everyday,cause I was mean also,and that is not me at all I didn't even know myself,but I said things,that I wish I could take back.

infidelity is horrible,all the way around,but I think it worse for men that have been cheated on,thats what I get with all the reading ive done anyways.

maybe you should just go to counseling yourself,and hopefully he will follow.

I know its hard to realize what is real,and what is anger,its confusing,but I hope he can talk to you rationally,and tell you what he wants to do,and for the record,i demanded a lot of crazy things too,i don't know how long since dday for you?but its been almost a year for me,and for about the first 6 months I was a crazy person,but now ive accepted what hes done,and I have more good days than bad

[jbelle6]

I would keep the passports hidden and I would wonder A LOT about the woman at the restaurant. Wouldn't be the first time I've seen a cheater act self righteous and totally angry when they've cheated themselves.

 

Sorry you are hurting.