How to manage when your partners ex is stalking them

[Babolat]

Yeah, I second that... no sense paying to get the one she has checked... just trash it and get a new one for that price!

 

Never mind the fact that $5000 to do that seems over the top to begin with. It doesn't cost nearly that amount to reformat the hard drive. She could do it herself for free.

The point is to find spyware and prove he installed it. She has to hire an expert to go through her computer to do this. She had to use someoen from the FBI the last time and he is coming back out this week.

[Babolat]

Make sure she takes these steps in order:

 

 

1. Alarm system
   
2. Bug sweep
   
3. Throw out computer, buy new one
   
4. Sell house, buy new one (or high security condo) and install new alarm system before moving in. Maybe do the bug sweep again in case he gets into the house before she moves in.
   

She said exactly all this last night. #4 is really upsetting her. She loves her home, but no longer sees it as her home. She does not want to disruput her kids, they love the home and have just gotten settled, after moving last year for this same reason.

 

This man is sick. I found out last year he occassionally sends her hate letters to work. He truly hates her and wants to make her life miserable.

[Babolat]

How many exes does your gf have? I am confused based on what you wrote in this thread.

She married the father of her kids at 27. They had their first child when she was 32. They had twins when she was 36. She is now 49.

 

She divorced, as best I can tell when she was around 42. She remarried, as best I can tell, when she was 44. They were married for a year, she said she immediately could tell something was off once they started spending 7 days a week together. His mood swings and such, things she did not see when they were dating. With her kids and his daughter their dating relationship was mostly every other weekend so she thinks he was on his best behavior then.

 

Between this last psycho man and me it's been 3 years. She tried to date a friend during that time but there was no romantic attraction. I am the first man she has dated, or tried to date I should say, in 3+ years post divorce from psycho man.

[Babolat]

I wonder if there is some victims of crime compensation fund available that might help her out with some of these costs? I think victims can apply in the UK but don't know if they can where you are. It's worth considering.

Last night she said she could file civil charges for the emotional distress. She does not want to, she just wants this over and she does not want to give him any more reasons to act out.

[Babolat]

Last Tuesday I met her at her house to go out for dinner. We talked inside her house about where we wanted to go. We went, had an amazing dinner, amazing conversation, lots of laughs and great discussions, lots of closeness too. I share that as she is not a PDA kind of person and I don't think she is use to affection (touching, holding hands, kissing in public, etc). No hugs and I love yous growing up in her family; same for me. I'm not either, post divorce for me it's something I have worked at and now crave.

 

Towards the end of our dinner, her ex walked in, psycho bipolar stalker man, with his live in girlfriend. I did not see them walk in, she said they looked directly at her and then sat at the bar, about 15 feet from us. He kept his back turned to us the entire time seated, his gf was facing us. So, he knew we were there. She shut down and said "He is not suppose to be near me because of the 2 orders (restraining and no contact), what should I do?" She said the commonwealthss attorney told her to contact the police if he did get near her, contact her, continue to stalk her, etc. I suggested she take my keys and go back to my car, call the police, ask them what to do, while I settled the bill. She did.

 

Once back to my car, she was finishing her call with the police. One officer came out, went inside the restaurant (we stayed outside in my car),and after about 30 seconds inside the restaurant, the officer came back out and was getting into his car to leave. She was almost in a state of shock, and said "I can't believe this is going to happen, he is going to be arrested". I think she was struggling the excitement and "I can't believe I am doing this to another person" at the same time. I drove up next the officer, asked him what happened, he said him and his gf are there for dinner, there are no orders in their system, he's allowed to be there. She tried to explain the history, the orders she has filed, he continued to say there are no orders in the system, there is nothing he can do.

 

A 2nd officer showed up and after listening to her said "Give me a few minutes to see what I can do". He went inside, brought him outside, talked for about a minute, then retuend to my car, The 2nd officer confirmed there is a no contact order in the ssytem, but there was nothing he could do. She reexplained the history to him, he once again stepped away stating "Give me some time". At this point a 3rd officer showed up. All they brought him back outside the restaurant and talked to him.

 

The 3rd officer came to my car and said he has every right to be in there, they chance of both of them being there at the same time was an "accident". She reminded this officer of the order. He said the order is only valid if he apporaches her, talks to her or if any way she feels threatened. he's allowed to go to a public place and eat, even if she is there, end of story, good night. He said "Mam, all I know is 20 minutes here, there is nothing else in our system (not even the 2 recent arrests) he is not doing anything illegal and your orders don't prevent him from going where you go in a public place".

 

Once back at her place she is convinced, and so am I, he has bugged her house again (why I bolded the above) and he knew we would be there. It's a 30 minute drive for him, a 10 minute walk for her, and he showed up near the end of our evening there and kept his back to us the entire time. Her therapist calls his MO "territoity intimadation". Basically, these ordesr from the courts are useless, have no value, this man can do whatever he wants to do to still stalk her. He can sit outside her house, go to where she goes in public, etc.

 

All of this hit me Friday night. We had plans that got interrupted as she needed to attend her sons school play. I got to her place around 10:15PM. Once there she realized her son had left something he needed at his dads (dad had the kids for the weekend) and she told me he was on his way back to pick it up. She said she thought about introducing us, did not think now was the right time, I agreed, and went outside to walk until he came and left. She texted me stating he was running late, I texted back "Bad timing. again" and told her I would go home. I was hurt at this point as the last 3times at her house we were interupted, 2 times by psycho ex, this time by her son. By her son did not bother me, it was a trigger for the two prior interuptions though. She replied how sorry she was, that she feels like this was all her fault, etc. I was hurt, and when I get hurt, I shut down, so I did not reply. I did reply stating prior to her apology text stating "Lets start over tomorrow".

 

Saturday, she texted me to confirm evening plans. I was short, terse in my replies, because I was still hurt. She asked me what was wrong, I told her this finally started to effect me. Heating baout him was one thing, seeing him and seeing how is was his intent to ruin her evening, intimdate her, effected me. We exchanged some texts, she acknowleded my feelings and said she would probably feel the same way. She said if I wanted to take a break, even stop, she understood. That this may be too much this early in a relationship. Most of the texting Saturday was me talking about my feelings, how I was hurt, etc. I asked if we could meet later. She replied 3 hours later stating she did not think it was a good time to meet, she needed a low key night, and needed to just be still.

 

We met yesterday, talked a lot. She was sad/hurt with my terse replies, how I kind of dumped on her over text, which I did do looking back a tmy texts. I was pretty mean, even compared the "drama" to my previous relationship, which upset her. She said she felt like all of this was her fault, that she is doing the best she can to manage it, make the right decisions, manage the distraction, and try to keep her life somewhat normal still. She said a lot of this is out of her control, which it is, and though she understands how I feel, and she would feel the same if the roles were reversed, she does not know what she can do any better.

 

She said she is not angry or mad at me, she completely understands, and we talked a lot about can a nascent relationship handle this. I don't know. Nor does she. She is shutting down on me a bit. Her body language was different yesterday. I told her this, she initially said no, but then agreed. My ex would do this too when she felt overwhelmed. I get that. She is a Feeling type (ENFJ) and when she hits her peak she just needs space and time to recover. I'm the opposite, I want to resolve/solve things as quickly as possible.

 

We have amazing potential. I really like this woman. We both agreed dealing with this so early in a relationship, can it work. We don't want our relationship bond to be built on this. And, as she put it, there is a lot more ahead of her. Court dates, more legal stuff, she has to see him in court, etc.

 

I really feel for her. In the past 2 weeks her life has gone from "I met this amazing man" to "I feel raped (her words), I feel icky, dirty, I hate my home that I use to love, my home is contaminated, he's been in it many many times, gross, he has no right runining my life, yet I have to deal with this".

 

I admire her. She is working hard to not turn this into an obsession, manage it, and try to still have a normal life, me, work, kids and all. When she does not have her kids she has been spending the night at gfs houses, not for fear, rather she does not want to be in her house. She is not afraid of him, she realizes he could do something violent, but does not think he will. She thinks he sees this as a game, she has become his obsession, he truly hates her for leaving him, "How dare you leave me" kind of thing, and wants to make her life miserable. Strangley, he went back to the woman he was dating before they met and now they live together. This woman was with him at the bar and saw the police bring him outside 3 times. He has been arrested 2 times now too so who knows what she thinks, or believes.

 

I'm not sure how I am feeling. Remove "this stuff" and I see a lot of great potential here. She is amazing. My friends who have met her all say "she is the best person we have seen you with, and she is good for you, we see it, she's a keeper". One of my buddies wants to go rough this guy up, which would be a mistake, though I get his point.

 

I made the mistake of letting my hurt and confusion come between us this weekend, and probably to a degree, put blame on her, and she felt it. I turned it in "what about me, my feeling, my hurt?" and as she put it, she understands, she feels sad, she would feel the same if the roles were reversed, yet she does not know what she can do to help me with my feelings. She is trying but she also has all of the stress of what's going on around her, too.

 

She has been moving full speed ahead with this, the courts and police are slow to react/respond, which is frustrating her. Sadly, in reference to thinking about a new home, selling her new home of one year, she said "I need to buy a fortress".

 

We talked a little last night about "what could he do". Her only concern is if this "gets out in the community", as he is a local business man, his reputation is destroyed, and his current gf leaves him because of what he has been doing, he could become suicidal and/or severely depressed, and yes, this could turn into harm to her. I think she takes this into consideration as she thinks about he best strategy moving forward. I think, after 2+ weeks of "OMG this is real, I have proof now and I have to move forward with this" she is now starting to process all of this. I could see and hear this in her yesterday while she talked.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Babolat

[Ruby Slippers]

This woman has a huge pain in the ass to deal with right now. It stands out to me that many of the same dynamics from your last relationship are emerging again with a new person. This doesn't surprise me because you replaced your ex gf very quickly, and didn't give yourself any time at all to heal properly. So of course you're still on the same emotional wavelength, and will create the same problems for yourself until you learn the lessons you need to learn.

 

I had dinner with an old friend last night, and she does exactly the same thing. She got divorced a year ago, and has had multiple short relationships since then. She keeps creating the exact same patterns in every relationship because she's swinging from one to another, often with overlap, not taking any time to herself to get strong and clear on her own, so she can attract a more emotionally healthy person. She was even comparing various recent lovers, line by line, just as I have seen you doing.

 

If I were you, I would put the romantic part of this relationship on hold and just be friends with her. She has a lot of heavy stuff to deal with right now and figuring out the right way to manage all this practically, legally, emotionally is going to be a big task for her - one that she'll have to do on her own.

 

It doesn't matter whose fault it is, or whether she did or did not do anything to create this situation. It's a toxic one that has nothing to do with you.

[Babolat]

This woman has a huge pain in the ass to deal with right now. It stands out to me that many of the same dynamics from your last relationship are emerging again with a new person. This doesn't surprise me because you replaced your ex gf very quickly, and didn't give yourself any time at all to heal properly. So of course you're still on the same emotional wavelength, and will create the same problems for yourself until you learn the lessons you need to learn.

 

I had dinner with an old friend last night, and she does exactly the same thing. She got divorced a year ago, and has had multiple short relationships since then. She keeps creating the exact same patterns in every relationship because she's swinging from one to another, often with overlap, not taking any time to herself to get strong and clear on her own, so she can attract a more emotionally healthy person. She was even comparing various recent lovers, line by line, just as I have seen you doing.

 

If I were you, I would put the romantic part of this relationship on hold and just be friends with her. She has a lot of heavy stuff to deal with right now and figuring out the right way to manage all this practically, legally, emotionally is going to be a big task for her - one that she'll have to do on her own.

 

It doesn't matter whose fault it is, or whether she did or did not do anything to create this situation. It's a toxic one that has nothing to do with you.

Thank you Ruby. Actually, I do feel healed from my ex gf as the 2nd time never really got started for me. I felt 100% healed when she came back to propose a 2nd go at it and i think I was fighting getting emotionally close to her again, as I knew in my gut it would not work. .

 

I kept her at arms length and did not get emotionally attached, at least not like before. I was with her, but not with her. And, the last two months we spent more time apart then together. More time talking about why we don't work versus talking about normal stuff. I think I saw her 3 - 4 times in the last 3 months. When we agreed to stop I felt very good, gave myself a couple of weeks, felt good, then wanted to get back into the game.

 

I have never jumped from one relationship to another nor has there been overlap between relationships. This late summer, and fall into winter I was alone, not dating, and I did a lot of healing. I had my sexual thimg with the 29 year old gal, but honestly I do feel like that is something I needed as the last step to heal from my ex gf. Having sex with her was a big deal for me.

 

I understand your message though. And, maybe some of that is going on with me. I truly don't feel it though.

 

She used the word "heavy" yesterday too, that these are "heavy" circumstances, a crisis for her. I tell her I do not want to get involved and that she needs to manage this on her own. I finally asked her last night if she understood what I meant when I say that, she told me "you will not rescue me?" and then she followed that with "I need to take care of this on my own and you will support me". She was not asking to be rescued, she was simply sharing what she thought I meant. I said no, that she needs to manage this without me, and she agreed, has been and has yet to ask for help or play the rescue role. She never brings up the topic, I do. That has actually frustrated me as I feel like I want to know "the current status" yet at the same time I do not. It's a struggle for me.

 

It also stinks that because we started seeing each other, his activity picked up. But, at least now she has him on tape, which would have happened regardless of me as she had put that into motion before we met (the cameras)

 

I agree with your comment to put the romantic part on hold, and I have been feeling this since last Tuesday, when we saw him while we were out. I think that's the differernt body language and eye contact I saw from her last night. The night we saw him out, once back at her place, we talked for a couple of hours and then she initiated sex, which surprised me. It was not my best performance as my head was not into it (no pun intended). When I mentioned it afterwards (my surprise she wanted to have sex) she said she was turned on, I looked hot, and she wanted me. I'm sure there was some emotional stuff going on with her too; maybe she just needed a release, a distraction.

 

I've been talking to her about our timing, can she start a relationship right now and the like, and I think it all hit her this weekend when I shut down on her. Yesterday she talked a lot about "can this work under these circumstances?". She wants it to, so do I.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Babolat

[Gaeta]

Is this woman alone in the world?

 

I cannot imagine a man being able to stalk me for this long. It would have taken a couple of incidents for my brothers to get involved, and I have a couple of male friends who would not mind to have some one-on-one time with a weirdo giving me a hard time. I would not care if he hangs himself afterwards or his wife loses his job. This is MY life he's screwing with and I would have no mercy. There is no 'oh poor him' here!!

[Babolat]

Is this woman alone in the world?

 

I cannot imagine a man being able to stalk me for this long. It would have taken a couple of incidents for my brothers to get involved, and I have a couple of male friends who would not mind to have some one-on-one time with a weirdo giving me a hard time. I would not care if he hangs himself afterwards or his wife loses his job. This is MY life he's screwing with and I would have no mercy. There is no 'oh poor him' here!!

 

Alone, no. She has many friends in our town, male and female. Her family lives out of town and they have been very involved.

 

We actually talked about just this yesterday, someone to rough him up, and she said she has thought about that and even thought about hiring someone to do so. One of my buddies suggested the same and even said he could find the right person to do it. But, she is concerned it could come back against her (in court) if they traced it back to her, or it would make matters even worse with him, that his activity would get even more threatening. I don't think roughing this man up would make any difference; he is emotionally and mentally sick.

 

When I saw him at the bar, I wanted to introduce myself, let him see me, that I am a person, I am real, that I could, if I wanted to, crush him, tell him who I was, ask him how he is enjoying building a relationship with the woman sharing a glass of wine with him, and then ask him to let us have that same opportunity to build a relationship. I chose not to though. From a legal POV and out of respect to her and myself.

 

She has two brothers my age, they live about 2-3 hours away, married, kids, families, and both have suggested this to her. She is not saying "poor him" either. I think until someone has lived this it's very diffcult to understand all the emotions she has gone thru, what she has gone thru, what she has tried to do, how she has tried to manage this legally and on her own. I have to keep myself from saying "do this, do that, here is what I would do, why have you not done this and that". I have not lived this, like she has, I don't know this man, like she does. Considering everything I think she has done an amazing job managing this.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Babolat

[Babolat]

We met to talk tonight. She gave me an update on the police, courts, the legal stuff. He was arrested a 3rd time for showing up at the restaurant where we were last week.

 

 

At one point I asked her a question about one of the things the court is doing with her ex, which I disagreed with, and so did she, and she got upset and said "You've never asked me how I feel". She repeated that a few times. She said "All I need you to do is ask me how I feel". She said she can't control what the courts are doing and felt like I was judging her, like she was doing something wrong

.

We talked for a long time, and agreed, that with just 4-5 weeks into our relationship, it does not make sense for her to lean on me for support, not now. She needs her family and friends for that. We are both very sad, but agreed to Pause while she works through all of this. The trial date is in 3 weeks.

 

 

As she put it, we could be in a cave together, stuck from an avalanche, and form a bond over being stuck together, and then later realize that was our bond versus a real bond . Neither of us want that. Where the bond would be the ex, the courts, the legal stuff, her leaning on me, etc.

 

 

She thought I was an INTJ, not an ISTJ. Her husband of 15 years WAS an ISTJ. He refused to have sex with her or even show affection the first year into the marriage. She is worried about our personality differences, as am I, but said had her husband simply given her a hug once a day, that's all she needed, but he would not. He even refused to in sex counseling/therapy.

 

 

I'm sad, but this is the right thing to do. We ended with a long hug. I asked her what I could do and she said "Just hug me". Turns out she DOES like hugs.

 

 

Now, how do I as an ISTJ recognize how she is feeling, and know to ask "How do you feel?". Even when she said this to me, I still did not "feel" it. She poured a lot of emotions out tonight, and I could not feel her emotions. I could see how upset she was, how sad she is, how all of this is wearing her down. But I could not feel it enough to say "How are you doing, how are you feeling".

 

 

She is an amazing woman, who knows herself, who has done a lot of self help, self work, and is wise enough to know she can't do and "us" right now, wise enough to know what she needs from a relationship. I was amazed listening to her. She kept stating over and over "I am telling you how I feel, I am lamenting" and all I wanted to do was say "Okay, now what?". I want to "Feel". How do I feel, what she is feeling...how?

 

 

I ask this as guess what, I heard this same exact thing in my marriage. And I want to improve myself. Is the easy solution to not be in a relationship with a Feeler?

[FitChick]

I'm curious to know what the cops said to this guy after the third arrest. "Dude, you've got a nice girlfriend now. Your ex wife doesn't want you any more. Move on! Get over it!"

 

Too bad you split up. You could have had some fun at Stalker's expense knowing her house is bugged. Send him off on a wild goose chase, pretending you two were going to be at a hotel fifty miles away, checking in under fake names "so Stalker can't find us." He'd show up, ask for the fake names and be told there was no such person. Maybe he'd beat up the desk clerk and get arrested and put away!

 

Oh, well, an opportunity missed...

[RedRobin]

RR, I cannot PM you, and I wanted to thank you personally, so here goes:

 

Hey RR, you and I have our differencse for sure, but I want to thank you for your comments on my stalking thread.

 

I am starting to like this woman, she has a ot of the qualities I want, admire, respect, etc and she seems to have her act together, unlike my crazy ex. This drama does concern me, her and I have talked about it a lot, and she is managing it very well and trying to keep it away from an "us". I could walk away at this point, not easily, but I could. I'm not ready to though. We've talked about this, she said she understands if I do and she understands my concern. My main concern is, what's next and when will this go away, and will it alwasy be a part of us. She cannot answer that question, I think only time, will.

 

My eyes are wide open, I've asked the questions I needed answered. She is the victim of a sick man who knows where the legal line is and she finally caught him crossing it. He's been arrested 2 times in 5 days and also visited by the police at the restaurant. She is struggling with this as she just wants it to be over and does not like the idea that she has pressed charges against anyone, includin ghim, it sickens her, she is really struggling with this because of her religious upbrining, her values, morals, character, etc. Of course everyone around her, including her family, has pretty much told her for the past 3 years to nail this man to the cross, but she has not had any proof. When she first kicked him out of her house 3+ years ago, the house he moved into when they got married, he kept coming back when she was not home. She even had vidoe tapes of him climbing in windows. The police said "Oh, it's too soon since the seperation and he is sad, hurt, whatever and he can still come back, since you ares till married". He had gone back to the woman he was dating prior to meeting her at this point, and was living with her, and this is his current gf.

 

She knows she has to keep the throttle down and continue to push through this, and she will. The courts have told her to document everything, which she's been doing anyway. I will support her, I won't tell her what to do, I'll make suggestions where and when it feels approproate.

 

The courts and the police are honestly a joke. She said the first officer on the scene at the restaurant where he showed up this week, post no contact/restraining order, just wanted to leave. He kept stating there was nothing he could do. Thankfully 2 more officers showed up and spent more time with her and talked to him more, and did what they could. This is now 3 viswits from the police in 7 days, as she put it more than she she has done in 3 years. And, the police cannot see anything in "their" system that's in the "courts" system. The arrests did not show up, the orders did not show up, nothing was in "their" system. They told her, all we know is what we have learned in 20 minutes and we can't do anything. Pathetic IMHO.

 

I'm really starting to see where the court and police system fails the vicitms of things like this. She's felt this for 3+ years and it deflated her and as she said to me "why even call the police?". Once she had proof, she did, which I admire.

 

Again, thank you for your comments/words, I appreciate them.

 

 

Yes, I'm quite aware of the loopholes in the system. It's why I never pressed charges against Mr. Sexy Talk for his stalking. (he finally gave up, FYI). I've done the kind of documentation your gf is doing. Not for a stalker, but for other issues in my community. It becomes a new hobby for awhile. In my case, I was very successful in the end... and even managed to turn lemons into lemonade through it all. She can too.

 

 

It is very nerve racking at first... but if she just treats it like a process, it becomes a lot more manageable. She probably doesn't like having to be the 'bad guy'... A lot of women don't. We are socialized to be 'nice'.

 

 

You see how well I've overcome *my* socialization, lol.

 

 

Here's something else she might do... although it isn't cheap. You guys live in an area that gets a little cold in the winter, so it is justified and she'd save energy Have her put in locking storm doors, then put bar type latches on the regular doors inside. He'd have to get through every storm door AND take a guess on which doors had the bar type latch on it. I mean, how much time does he really have to go through all that??

 

 

Heck, she might even have something from the state that reimburses storm door additions as an energy saving measure.

 

 

I know that doesn't stop him from showing up on her street or at places you two are together. Don't wreck your evening by calling police. Just take a picture with the phone and keep a journal.

 

 

She may not be able to file criminal charges right now, but she can file civil charges if she keeps good books... and she can file for punitive damages if he keeps it up.

 

 

Now, I'm not a litigious person, but it sure is nice to know what you CAN do if you get the urge.

 

 

Edited: Just saw that you guys are taking a break. Probably for the best so she can focus on what needs to be done. Don't know what to tell you about the 'feeler' part. I'm an ENTP... *shrug*

Edited May 9, 2014 by RedRobin

[Babolat]

Yes, I'm quite aware of the loopholes in the system. It's why I never pressed charges against Mr. Sexy Talk for his stalking. (he finally gave up, FYI). I've done the kind of documentation your gf is doing. Not for a stalker, but for other issues in my community. It becomes a new hobby for awhile. In my case, I was very successful in the end... and even managed to turn lemons into lemonade through it all. She can too.

 

 

It is very nerve racking at first... but if she just treats it like a process, it becomes a lot more manageable. She probably doesn't like having to be the 'bad guy'... A lot of women don't. We are socialized to be 'nice'.

 

 

You see how well I've overcome *my* socialization, lol.

 

 

Here's something else she might do... although it isn't cheap. You guys live in an area that gets a little cold in the winter, so it is justified and she'd save energy Have her put in locking storm doors, then put bar type latches on the regular doors inside. He'd have to get through every storm door AND take a guess on which doors had the bar type latch on it. I mean, how much time does he really have to go through all that??

 

 

Heck, she might even have something from the state that reimburses storm door additions as an energy saving measure.

 

 

I know that doesn't stop him from showing up on her street or at places you two are together. Don't wreck your evening by calling police. Just take a picture with the phone and keep a journal.

 

 

She may not be able to file criminal charges right now, but she can file civil charges if she keeps good books... and she can file for punitive damages if he keeps it up.

 

 

Now, I'm not a litigious person, but it sure is nice to know what you CAN do if you get the urge.

 

 

Edited: Just saw that you guys are taking a break. Probably for the best so she can focus on what needs to be done. Don't know what to tell you about the 'feeler' part. I'm an ENTP... *shrug*

 

Thanks RR, ironically my female best friend, is an ENTP also.

 

Her new home is well armed now, she is no longer using her computer, she is using a new phone now, she is whispering in her hous until she finds out if there are bugs, she has keypads on all the doors, cameras are still installed, her and I met out last night so as not to be in her house.

 

She talked about filing civil charges as she is curretnly out of pocket $3000 over the past two weeks, the police have taken her computer, her phone and she has an appointment with an ex FBI person to do a bug swipe of her new house, for $2000. I don't think she will as she does not want to drag this out for another 1+ years. And, as much as she want to "stick it to him" for what he has done to her emotionally, it's just not her personality to do so.

 

He was arrested this past Tuesday for not leaving the restaurant as soon as he walked in and saw her/us, the prior Tuesday. There was a arrainnment the same day for his two previous arrests for the vidoes of him in her new house.The court date was set for May 29. The commonwealths attorney/prosecutor argued he should have to stay in jail until the 29th because he did not leave the restaurant knowing he had a no contact order. Thankfully the commonwealths attorney is female and is working as hard as she can to do something right here.

 

Get this, the judge was almost ready to agree with her, that he should stay in jail, when the judge said "But she left the restaurant". She left because she felt threatened/intimidated and was advised to call the police immediately if he came near her, which she did. The judge also said since the police did not arrest him he should not have to stay in jail until the court date. The police did not arrest him then as they did not understand the no contact order. Ridiculous. I really feel for woman who are victims of this kind of behavior by a man (or the other direction if a man is being stalked by a woman). The police and courts simply fail here. The commonwealths attorney is mad, very mad, and wants to put an end to this mans behavior for her, and future women.

 

The judge ordered a full psychological evaluation, at the ex's cost, to be completed before May 29th. It's the prosecutors opinion they will find him mentally ill and probably order some kind of therapy/rehab and smack him on the hand. The police took her computer and phone this week in hopes of finding spyware on one or both, that he installed, so they can arrest him for a felony. If the FBI guy finds any bugs he is to contact the police immediately, again in hopes that they can get him for a felony.

 

This woman is guilty of being a ENFP type, that's it. Last night she said she feels like she is to blame for all of this, even though she knows she is not; she feels like she has been raped. She feels she let it go on too long because she is a Feeling type. I saw this in her last night as she continued to talk. She is idealistic, and always hoped and assumed this would just go away (before we met and it got worse), she makes decisions with her heart, she dislikes conflict, she is driven by emotion, she is gentle, empathetic, caring, warm and subjective and she procrastinates. Of all the woman I have met in my life, this is by far the first woman who knows herself, knows her needs, is doing everything she can to be Authtnic to herself, and has learned from her previous relationship mistakes and things she overlooked in an effort to do whay she thought was right. I was blown away as she talked more and more last night. She wants to keep an "us" sooo bad, could see it and hear it. And me being me, I kept trying to immediately find solutions, which was always "We should stop". She would reply "I am feeling, I am sharing emotions with you, I don't know what to do".

 

As a Sensing and Thinking type, this does not make sense to me, but having studied NF types more, and ST types more (me) I get it, I get how we different in how we process information, new and old, how we are different in how we make decision, objectively and subjectively. Being different does not make her wrong, or me right.

Edited May 9, 2014 by Babolat