How to manage when your partners ex is stalking them

[Babolat]

My exh was also a psycho stalker, and it has been years till i recovered from the constant fear I had after I divorced him. He was abusive, an addict and followed me, harrassed and threatened me everywhere. The one thing that start to help me was I moved far away from him and started a new life, really far (I was from another country and moved here to the US). But even if i was far away from him, i still have nightmares about him, chasing me and doing the things he has done to me. We divorced almost 15 yrs ago. Took me around 10 years to recover from his abuse. When he passed away 5 yrs ago, i felt finally at peace, didn't dream about him anymore and fully recovered.

 

Your gf might need a lot of time to deal with her ex and her fears. It's up to you if you want to be there for her, but like me, it took a lot of time to recover. I was not able to give a lot to my relationship at the time i was recovering from my ex, so that one didn't work out as well. Now that I'm fully healed, I am at a better place to give myself to this new relationship.

Thank you for your story.

 

She seems healed to me, I've seen nothing at all in her that suggests this is still a threat or concern to her being in a relationship. She took 3 years off from dating to heal frm their relationship, work on herself, focus on her career and kids, and from what I see she is in a very good, happy, healthy place in her life. He feels more like a mosquito at this point from what I hear, and see.

Edited April 24, 2014 by Babolat

[Mariposa10]

I don't think she likes drama, and I don't blame her for anything. Of course, she's just a victim. But this is her problem, and she needs to fix it on her own. I know that if I were her, I'd have a talk with you. I would ask you to give me some time. I would need some time off the relationship. I don't know it'd too much, it'd be too overwhelming for me to be in a relationship while trying to fix this stalking problem.

 

 

I know that when this guy starts taking his medicine, he'll leave her alone.

 

 

 

I hear you, but, pause it, until when? Until, he gets better? Until, what? Should this woman never date again because an ex is sick?

 

How does one know when "he gets better?" She is a smart woman and I doubt seriously if she thought this man would persue me next she would have started this relationship. If I focus on the extreme, what could happen from watching the news, movies, extreme stories, murders and the like, yeah, I could freak out over this. I'm not.

 

NOTHING I have seen or heard from her causes me to believe this woman is drawn to or attracts drama, or in any way shape of form asked for this from this man. What he has done to date is petty non-illegal stuff. She has kept a documented history of these events. She finally caught him doing something illegal and could prove it. She acted quickly and got the police and courts involved. Now, is she suppose to pause her life until, something? The court date? he aplogizes? What event allows her to move forward with her life?

 

How is she putting me, in danger? And knowing what I know abou ther so far I am 100% sure she would pause "us" if she felt I was in danger.

 

I was stalked once. She did not accpet my reason for breaking up with her. She kept showing up at my house, texting me over and over and over. It got to the point where I would hide my car, or not come home. Should I have stopped my entire life becasue, of a crazy woman stalking me? Then if it stopped for 6 months, started again, I should have paused my life, again?

 

Yeah, it's only been 5 weeks and I could bail on her. I get your message, I just don't think it's that black and white.

[Babolat]

I don't think she likes drama, and I don't blame her for anything. Of course, she's just a victim. But this is her problem, and she needs to fix it on her own. I know that if I were her, I'd have a talk with you. I would ask you to give me some time. I would need some time off the relationship. I don't know it'd too much, it'd be too overwhelming for me to be in a relationship while trying to fix this stalking problem.

 

 

I know that when this guy starts taking his medicine, he'll leave her alone.

 

Understood

 

Assuming she does not bring this up, are you suggesting I ask her if we should Pause while she works through this? And, other than the court date, it's not really clear to me what she needs to work thru, or fix. This has been ongoing for 3+ years, she has managed it long before me, she felt ready to date, did so, she finally has something to hang her hat on, something illegal, she took care of it, so now what is she supposed to be doing diffferent? Stop dating? Until, when? What is it she has to fix?

 

I do understand your message; I'm just not sure what it is she should be working on or doing, or what she needs to fix now. In my mind the only difference between today and two days ago is he entered her home, she caught him on tape, has something tangible to report, it's in the courts hands now. She put what she hopes is the final fix into motion. She should stop dating, because?

[FitChick]

Here is a forum you might want to check out. CCW.

 

Are you going to court with her?

[Babolat]

Are you going to court with her?

No, and I would be shocked if she asked me to from what I know about her. She has been very clear in stating this is hers to manage and is very sorry I had to get involved when I did. The ONLY reson I even "got involved" is because I was on my way to her house for dinner. She literally just saw the video on her phone as I was pulling up to her house, otherwise she would have cancelled on me.

 

She has barely mentioned anything since Tuesday night. She did not even bring it up last night over text until I asked "Did he go to jail". I actually like that she has been quiet about it, not bringing it up and making it "our" issue.

[Mariposa10]

For whatever reason, she is FINALLY able to start fixing this huge mess. What should've happened long time ago is finally happening right now.

 

I don't know I know this is not a black and white issue, but I wouldn't be dating anyone right now. Until everything is settled.

 

I wish you two good luck!

 

 

 

Understood

 

Assuming she does not bring this up, are you suggesting I ask her if we should Pause while she works through this? And, other than the court date, it's not really clear to me what she needs to work thru, or fix. This has been ongoing for 3+ years, she has managed it long before me, she felt ready to date, did so, she finally has something to hang her hat on, something illegal, she took care of it, so now what is she supposed to be doing diffferent? Stop dating? Until, when? What is it she has to fix?

 

I do understand your message; I'm just not sure what it is she should be working on or doing, or what she needs to fix now. In my mind the only difference between today and two days ago is he entered her home, she caught him on tape, has something tangible to report, it's in the courts hands now. She put what she hopes is the final fix into motion. She should stop dating, because?

[Babolat]

For whatever reason, she is FINALLY able to start fixing this huge mess. What should've happened long time ago is finally happening right now.

 

I don't know I know this is not a black and white issue, but I wouldn't be dating anyone right now. Until everything is settled.

 

I wish you two good luck!

There was nothing she could fix prior to this week, It was all petty non-illegal stuff. Ocassionally parking on her street. An occasional text. Again, I get your message, I'm just not sure what it was she could be doing over the past 3 years to fix this. She wanted him to go away, leave her alone, but had no means to make that happen. She tried not to give it energy, attention, which I think was smart, letting him know he was getting to her.

 

 

What should have happened long ago? She contacts the police to say her ex sends her an occasional text (not from his phone so no proof it was him) and parks outside her house?

 

 

And, what does, settled mean? The court date? To me, it's just a date. There's no guarantee he will change his behavior before, during or after.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like she has tried to deal with this stalking business and gradually had to escalate the way it is being dealt with. If he can break locks, then filming what he is up to is the best way of getting evidence. She seems to be doing what she can. It must be very scary for her. At least she can get a restraining order now.

 

I do know of a situation like this and in that case the woman is the victim of stalking and her ex is the one at fault. He has clearly gone a bit crazy. This must have affected your friend quite badly for some time now so she is probably very vulnerable emotionally.

 

If you care for her and want to be with her, then don't let a crazy ex stop you. I think you have every right to want the full story from her though - you know, what she has tried to do to stop him, and so forth. That way, you have the full picture and you can both figure out what can be done next. I hope he will end up in jail but it's surprising what people can get away with.

 

If he isn't kept in jail, this problem will not just go away. Unfortunately, you would need to join with her in tactics to deal with him. Good locks, video film, seeking whatever legal recourse you both can to deal with the situation. He has been stalking her so she needs to be the 'complainant'. Any complaint from you would be like starting again, from a legal point of view, as he hasn't bothered you previously. The records of her complaints against his behaviour are more likely to put him in jail.

 

It's a tough situation for her and I'm sure she will appreciate having someone in her life who actually cares about her and is offering a 'normal' relationship. It is more for you to take on than if the stalking wasn't an issue, but if you do like this woman then maybe what you could have with her would be worth the extra hassle.

[Babolat]

We talked about it more today. It seems since she had the cameras installed 2+ weeks ago he has been in her house 5 times. Who knows how many times prior to her installing the cameras. He just walks around and looks at things, even pets her dog. The police are now turning this into a felony, stalking, unlawful entry and breaking and entering, and will be arresting him again. He's out on bound for the unlawful entry.

 

 

He did not re-marry though he is living with a woman.

 

 

I misunderstood the history since they divorced 3+ years ago. There's been an occasional text, and he occasionally would be parked on the street in front of her house, but not often. Maybe once every 6 months. Last time was in December 2013. She did not like it but she could not do anything about it. She did not feel threatened or scared. He never approached her or contacted her other than the occasional text. She was more annoyed and mad than anything else.

 

 

In the 3 years since their divorce, she has been out with 2 men, one for a few dates, one for one date. During the time when she saw the man for 3 times her exes "activity" picked up. That was over a year ago. He showed up in front of her house more during that period of time.

 

 

She is pretty sure he has been more "active" this time because of us, her seeing me. She thinks he bugged or tapped into her wireless and was watching our texting when she was on her wifi on her iPad. Somehow he knows she is seeing someone she said. This is what he had done while they were dating.

 

 

The courts/police are getting a 2nd warrant today for his arrest based on the additional 5 videos she found when going thru all of her videos. It's now stalking and there is a video clip showing him coming thru the front door, which means he made a key so they can charge him with breaking and entering.

 

 

She is very happy she found the additional videos and he is hopefully going to jail. She is upset about this, is upset it's affecting us, she even said "If I were you this would bother me" and she apologized for the drama, and said this is not her normal life and it's never been like this with him. I've yet to see any "other" drama in her and I'm surprised to see how cool headed she is about this now (she was talking to the detective on the phone as he called while we were talking).

 

 

I'm not sure how I feel. I like her, I see potential for an "us", this is not her fault, I just want it to go away, but I know it won't, at least not anytime soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[GemmaUK]

We talked about it more today. It seems since she had the cameras installed 2+ weeks ago he has been in her house 5 times. Who knows how many times prior to her installing the cameras. He just walks around and looks at things, even pets her dog. The police are now turning this into a felony, stalking, unlawful entry and breaking and entering, and will be arresting him again. He's out on bound for the unlawful entry.

 

 

He did not re-marry though he is living with a woman.

 

 

I misunderstood the history since they divorced 3+ years ago. There's been an occasional text, and he occasionally would be parked on the street in front of her house, but not often. Maybe once every 6 months. Last time was in December 2013. She did not like it but she could not do anything about it. She did not feel threatened or scared. He never approached her or contacted her other than the occasional text. She was more annoyed and mad than anything else.

 

 

In the 3 years since their divorce, she has been out with 2 men, one for a few dates, one for one date. During the time when she saw the man for 3 times her exes "activity" picked up. That was over a year ago. He showed up in front of her house more during that period of time.

 

 

She is pretty sure he has been more "active" this time because of us, her seeing me. She thinks he bugged or tapped into her wireless and was watching our texting when she was on her wifi on her iPad. Somehow he knows she is seeing someone she said. This is what he had done while they were dating.

 

 

The courts/police are getting a 2nd warrant today for his arrest based on the additional 5 videos she found when going thru all of her videos. It's now stalking and there is a video clip showing him coming thru the front door, which means he made a key so they can charge him with breaking and entering.

 

 

She is very happy she found the additional videos and he is hopefully going to jail. She is upset about this, is upset it's affecting us, she even said "If I were you this would bother me" and she apologized for the drama, and said this is not her normal life and it's never been like this with him. I've yet to see any "other" drama in her and I'm surprised to see how cool headed she is about this now (she was talking to the detective on the phone as he called while we were talking).

 

 

I'm not sure how I feel. I like her, I see potential for an "us", this is not her fault, I just want it to go away, but I know it won't, at least not anytime soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I have no advice, I just wanna give her a hug.

[spiderowl]

The lady I know did not cause any of the stalking. Her ex just couldn't accept rejection; it was that simple. He is trying to control her by stalking her. He wants to be noticed. He wants a 'relationship' with her at all costs. It's a fixation for him so the law won't stop him unless they put him in jail.

 

Please don't blame the woman. It really isn't her fault. The question is whether you can handle the pressure, especially when it's a new relationship. At the moment I guess you don't know her well enough to have 'fallen' for her, so you are in the early stages of a relationship. The only thing you can do is to go ahead as normal - date her, see how you get on and then decide whether you two are attracted enough and compatible enough with each other. Don't let the ex thing be a factor, only the relationship between the two of you.

 

Good luck!

[Babolat]

Thanks. Pretty sure he's going to jail though I'm sure he'll post bond until the court date. I was talking to my brother about and he said at least this will get his attention.

I don't blame her. I feel for her. She's a good person who ended up with a psycho.

[spiderowl]

Thanks. Pretty sure he's going to jail though I'm sure he'll post bond until the court date. I was talking to my brother about and he said at least this will get his attention.

I don't blame her. I feel for her. She's a good person who ended up with a psycho.

 

It would certainly be wrong if the law let him free after he broke into her home and wandered around in it. However, the stalker I know got away with quite a lot before he ended up facing charges that could have put him in jail. He's out at the moment but I can bet he will infringe the terms again. It's a fixation in his head - I don't see how this will be cured by the threat of prison.

[Chocolat]

We talked about it more today. It seems since she had the cameras installed 2+ weeks ago he has been in her house 5 times.

.

 

WTF? She suspected he'd been in the house Decided to install cameras rather than alarms or locks. Then does not look at the tapes?

 

I get that she's the victim but she sure as heck is making it easy for him.

[GemmaUK]

WTF? She suspected he'd been in the house Decided to install cameras rather than alarms or locks. Then does not look at the tapes?

 

I get that she's the victim but she sure as heck is making it easy for him.

 

To be fair, she had a suspicion he had been in the house but in two weeks I wouldn't have dreamed he would be there as many as five times.

I wouldn't have been checking the footage (hours worth of it every single day, even on fast forward that would be a long time spent watching the footage). I would only check it if I had some reason to think he had been in that day.

Checking it every day would be a bit obsessive.

[Chocolat]

To be fair, she had a suspicion he had been in the house but in two weeks I wouldn't have dreamed he would be there as many as five times.

I wouldn't have been checking the footage (hours worth of it every single day, even on fast forward that would be a long time spent watching the footage). I would only check it if I had some reason to think he had been in that day.

Checking it every day would be a bit obsessive.

 

I guess I'm the odd one out here. This guy:

 

- has a history of abuse with her

- slammed her against a wall and broke her arm

- sent hateful texts from his and others phones

- was seen on multiple occasions sitting in his car watching her house

 

If I then had thoughts that this guy had ENTERED MY HOUSE, I would for sure have installed an alarm system and secure locks. In fact, I'd probably have done this the first time I saw him on my block.

 

She doesn't take any basic safety cautions but instead installs cameras but doesn't bother to look at the tapes.

 

Sorry, but I don't get it. I understand that she didn't ask for this situation but there is something off in how f***ing casual she has been about the whole thing. Especially given that there are kids in the mix.

[GemmaUK]

I guess I'm the odd one out here. This guy:

 

- has a history of abuse with her

- slammed her against a wall and broke her arm

- sent hateful texts from his and others phones

- was seen on multiple occasions sitting in his car watching her house

 

If I then had thoughts that this guy had ENTERED MY HOUSE, I would for sure have installed an alarm system and secure locks. In fact, I'd probably have done this the first time I saw him on my block.

 

She doesn't take any basic safety cautions but instead installs cameras but doesn't bother to look at the tapes.

 

Sorry, but I don't get it. I understand that she didn't ask for this situation but there is something off in how f***ing casual she has been about the whole thing. Especially given that there are kids in the mix.

 

He works in a place where he has the ability to make a key from a lock so to me any systems like that would possibly be a waste of money.

 

There is also the other side of that in that she possibly couldn't afford to get some hi-tech alarm/security system that still might not stop him getting in.

I would have maybe looked at the tapes in the first couple of days and then left it for a while to catch up on.

 

Being overtly worried can drive a person insane - yes even if there is a history like that.

It should have been history though.

 

Sometimes people get on with their lives and put things to the back of their mind thinking that they are imagining things.

Thinking that way does actually follow with ignoring instincts of early signs of abusive behaviour and brushing them under the rug thinking they are simply ridiculous things.

 

I am not at all surprised that she had no fancy alarm system fitted while he was sitting outside in his car. The chain of events here makes perfect sense to me.

 

I'm not saying that perhaps she shouldn't have been more proactive but I completely understand why she wasn't up until she saw the tapes and she was probably hugely shocked at what she saw and didn't expect to see him on those tapes at all!

[Chocolat]

He works in a place where he has the ability to make a key from a lock so to me any systems like that would possibly be a waste of money.

 

There are combination and fingerprint locks.

 

There is also the other side of that in that she possibly couldn't afford to get some hi-tech alarm/security system that still might not stop him getting in.

 

Babolat has repeated stated that this woman is extremely wealthy. He even started a thread about it. Money is not an issue.

 

I am not at all surprised that she had no fancy alarm system fitted while he was sitting outside in his car. The chain of events here makes perfect sense to me.

 

I guess I am a much more cautious person. If my physically abusive ex was sending me hateful texts and sitting in his car outside my house, I would be playing it very safe, especially with children in the mix.

[Eternal Sunshine]

In my experience, most people that have stalkers are attention wh-res. This is especially true for people that have more than one stalker. In reality, those people tend to enjoy leading others on...Now most people can see through that and move on, but every now and then they encounter someone that is emotionally unbalanced enough to take it further.

 

Having said that, I am not trying to minimize the pain of those having legit stalkers through no fault of their own.

 

In this instance, I am not sure I totally buy this woman's victimhood.

[carhill]

My feedback would be, having been involved in such matters in the past, to continue to date as normal, presuming continued interest, and leave her matters with her ex as hers to resolve and to avoid becoming her emotional sponge for such issues. She's a big girl living in a big house with nice shoes. She can figure it out.

 

Misc. comments from experience - our cam system e-mails us whenever motion is detected by the cams and can stream that motion in real time to any smart phone or cellular/web enabled device. Pretty cool technology. If the cam is a pan and scan, we can even task it remotely to follow or ignore certain aspects of targets.

 

Where I live, say if there was such a damsel in distress and I felt her life were in danger at any moment, being a CCW and identifying oneself to law enforcement as such will return an immediate and comprehensive response, because they know the citizen is licensed to carry a deadly weapon, is trained to kill with it and may have it in their possession (subject to confirmation). This escalates their response protocols. This of course can vary by jurisdiction.

 

Myself, having been in this milieu in my past life, I'd write it off to bad timing and suggest, if she's still interested, to contact me when her personal difficulties have resolved. Best wishes with whatever decision you make.

[Divasu]

I'm not sure if it has been said already, but I HOPE both of you have filed a restraining order. His behavior is one of a true stalker and not to be taken lightly. He sounds like a ticking time bomb. So, I don't think there's anything either of you should do to keep him at bay, law enforcement needs to intervene.

 

Never had a situation like that, minor yes. But this, I pray I never will.

Edited April 27, 2014 by Divasu

[Babolat]

He works in a place where he has the ability to make a key from a lock so to me any systems like that would possibly be a waste of money.

 

There is also the other side of that in that she possibly couldn't afford to get some hi-tech alarm/security system that still might not stop him getting in.

I would have maybe looked at the tapes in the first couple of days and then left it for a while to catch up on.

 

Being overtly worried can drive a person insane - yes even if there is a history like that.

It should have been history though.

 

Sometimes people get on with their lives and put things to the back of their mind thinking that they are imagining things.

Thinking that way does actually follow with ignoring instincts of early signs of abusive behaviour and brushing them under the rug thinking they are simply ridiculous things.

 

I am not at all surprised that she had no fancy alarm system fitted while he was sitting outside in his car. The chain of events here makes perfect sense to me.

 

I'm not saying that perhaps she shouldn't have been more proactive but I completely understand why she wasn't up until she saw the tapes and she was probably hugely shocked at what she saw and didn't expect to see him on those tapes at all!

This is exactly the message I have heard from her based on her comments.

[Babolat]

There are combination and fingerprint locks.

 

 

 

Babolat has repeated stated that this woman is extremely wealthy. He even started a thread about it. Money is not an issue.

 

 

 

I guess I am a much more cautious person. If my physically abusive ex was sending me hateful texts and sitting in his car outside my house, I would be playing it very safe, especially with children in the mix.

Actually, she is not as wealthy as I assumed. most of the money seems to be on her ex husbands family side. So, finances would have been part of a decision for her in this. As she put it, it's been very quiet with him for a very long time. The spying and stalking seems to be related to her and I starting to see each other. I understand the folks on here who see a history of violence with him. There was one episode where he pushed her, she fell and broke her arm. The relationship ended immediately after that. There's been no history of violence since.

[Babolat]

I'm not sure if it has been said already, but I HOPE both of you have filed a restraining order. His behavior is one of a true stalker and not to be taken lightly. He sounds like a ticking time bomb. So, I don't think there's anything either of you should do to keep him at bay, law enforcement needs to intervene.

 

Never had a situation like that, minor yes. But this, I pray I never will.

 

She has filed a restraint, and he cannot contact her. Not sure what that's called but if he breaks either he will go to jail immediately. I don't think I have any grounds or proof to file for anything at this point. The man has not shown himself at or near my house or me. To the comments about her needing attention, she has actually been very quiet about this. She is managing this on her own and not involving me. ES I appreciate your feedback, however this woman has done absolutely nothing to encourage this behavior.Its my best guess, this man is living in some kind of state of the denial , that he is not accepting the divorce, since she has not really dated much since the divorce, and the fact that she is now seeing someone, he is snooping in spying trying to figure it out.

Edited April 27, 2014 by Babolat

[Babolat]

WTF? She suspected he'd been in the house Decided to install cameras rather than alarms or locks. Then does not look at the tapes?

 

I get that she's the victim but she sure as heck is making it easy for him.

It makes sense to me that she did not obsess and look at the tapes everyday. The first time she had a suspicion, after installing the cameras, that he may have been in her house, she did look at the tapes. There's hundreds of them and she is still going through them. The majority of them are her family having dinner as I think she said the camera kicks on based on motion, records for 30 seconds, then stops and does not record again until there's more motion. The main camera is in the kitchen which has a lot of activity, motion. So there are a lot of 30 second clips.