How to manage when your partners ex is stalking them

[angel.eyes]

Actually, I misspoke. He went back to the woman he was dating before he met her. Not sure if he has remarried, or not.

 

 

I have not asked any questions since she told me the police were off to arrest him. I will let her tell me what she wants to when she wants to.

 

No worries. I figured I misunderstood a piece of the puzzle.

 

I think you're handling this really well. She'll share what she feels comfortable discussing. It's hard to try to move forward with your life yet have someone (in this case, her disturbed ex) still dragging you down into their mess. It's awkward and unfair that you've both been caught up in her ex's dysfunction.

[Gaeta]

Single woman here living alone. No alarm system, yet still happily alive and unharmed. Full disclosure: I did very briefly have an alarm system (less than one week), but after the second false alarm, disabled it. Have yet to be murdered..

I said under the current circumstances she should have an alarm system.

 

 

FTR, restraining orders and home alarms don't deter or stop those with mental problems from harming you or breaking and entering your home. They usually don't consider or care much about consequences. Their real function in that type of scenario is in alerting law enforcement and the judicial system that you face a more serious problem and your concerns when voiced need to be taken seriously. She has now done that.

I have more trust in an alarm system than in the police department. Each years women are killed by their ex, ex that had been reported over and over to the police. Unless she lives in the middle of the woods an alarm system will wake her up and alarm the neighbors and the police station.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm not judging you, but I find it interesting that you're involved with yet another woman with some big drama swirling around her. That seems to be a magnet for you somehow.

[Babolat]

I'm not judging you, but I find it interesting that you're involved with yet another woman with some big drama swirling around her. That seems to be a magnet for you somehow.

Trust me, I thought the same last night when she started explaining this to me. I can tell she is embarrassed and upset as she started the conversation by stating something like "If you were looking for a red flag, here it is, here's my baggage".

 

 

I could view this as her drama, but I don't think it really is. She can't control what this man does. Once she saw his issues, she asked him to leave and pushed forward with a divorce.

 

 

Should she have gotten an alarm system in her new to her home? I have no idea, her reasons make sense to me and I'm not going to judge her. He entered her home when he knew she would not be home. If she had an an alarm, the alarm goes off, he leaves, then what? On camera he just walked around looking at photos, then left. I get the impression that to date it's been nothing threatening and for him it's some kind of kick, like he is checking up on her, nothing more. An alarm will be a nuisance for him, it would not stop him or "catch" him.

 

 

My eyes are wide open though and I am not jumping in head first. She has her kids for the next week so we will not be seeing each other anyway.

[Babolat]

I said under the current circumstances she should have an alarm system.

 

 

I have more trust in an alarm system than in the police department. Each years women are killed by their ex, ex that had been reported over and over to the police. Unless she lives in the middle of the woods an alarm system will wake her up and alarm the neighbors and the police station.

The alarm system would not have stopped this man from sitting on the street watching her house. It would not have stopped him from randomly texting her. I seriously doubt it would have prevented him from walking into her home either. Ironically the previous owner of the house had an alarm system so there are gidgets and gadgets and keypads around the house. I saw them the first time she invited me over. For all he knew there WAS an alarm system and he still came in.

 

 

Trust an alarm system? What will it do for you if a person has a weapon and it's their sole intent to hurt you? They would have plenty of time to do so before the police arrive. When I arrived she was standing outside. She was about to go back inside when I asked if he was still in the house. She did not know. I advised her to stay outside, call the police, and she did. It took them 4 minutes to get there and I heard her tell them on the phone she did not know if he was still in the house.

 

 

I'm not judging you, I agree with your point on paper.

 

 

I truly believe she knows it's not his intent to harm her; rather spy on her, see what she is up to. She just texted me stating she is glad she caught the creep red handed.

 

 

With the exception of one event, 4+ years ago, this man has not been violent with her as I understand it. More, creepy.

Edited April 24, 2014 by Babolat

[contact1]

Do you know if there is any history with other people she may have dated after the divorce? I mention it since this EX has a mental illness, being bi-polar, which can take some people to some real extremes. While he may not want to hurt her, who knows how he would react with another man being with her.

 

For me it would just be too much baggage too soon. And it is unfortunate for her, as she isn't the one causing this.

[Eivuwan]

Probably what works better than an alarm system in this case is unfortunately things like bars on windows and some sort of super advance lock that requires fingerprints instead of one that requires keys.

[Babolat]

She lives in the city, as do I. It's not uncommon to see bars on windows unfortunately. Her area is a wealthier area, lower crime, but the city, is the city. For that matter my prior house, in the suburbs, was broken into also.

 

 

My best friend and his wife live in the city, not far from her, and leave their door unlocked when they are home. I think that is very foolish.

 

 

She just texted me. He was arrested, spent the night in jail, and was released on bond today. A court date has been set.

 

 

Yes, this is drama, yes it's a concern for an "us", especially if he does not "go away". I'm not going to allow myself to get wrapped up in it or involved in it. We shall see.

[Babolat]

Do you know if there is any history with other people she may have dated after the divorce? I mention it since this EX has a mental illness, being bi-polar, which can take some people to some real extremes. While he may not want to hurt her, who knows how he would react with another man being with her.

 

For me it would just be too much baggage too soon. And it is unfortunate for her, as she isn't the one causing this.

From what she has shared, she has been on two dates since the divorce, in 3+ years. I have not asked if there were more, or anyone she dated.

 

 

I have thought about me and what this could mean. Not sure anyone has an answer. I'm not scared.

 

 

She just texted me again to state she is glad she finally caught him breaking the law, since he has been harassing her for 3+ years with petty non legal stuff since she kicked him out of the house. This is the first time she has something concrete she could take to the police. She is disappointed they did not keep him in jail. The courts told him if he contacts her or gets near her before the court date they will put him in jail until the court date. He is required to do check ins with the court and mental counseling prior to the court date. I can tell by her tone she is relieved but still frustrated with the entire matter. I don't feel he is a threat to me or her. She has 3 kids in the house and is a lawyer herself. I think if she felt physically threatened she would be doing more right now.

Edited April 24, 2014 by Babolat

[FitChick]

Enviroblinds will deter breakins by anyone. My friend bought these and said she has never felt so safe. They are quite common in Europe.

 

Then she needs to get special, reinforced doors and door jambs that cannot be smashed in and locks with a pin pad or something. Google which is the best system to have, especially if a locksmith breaks in.

 

Motion detector lights outside and cameras outside, high up, to monitor the front and back.

 

As far as sitting in his car outside her house, a restraining order usually limits the distance. If he sits in his car just beyond that limit and you have to drive by, wave to him and take his picture every single time and tell her to do the same. Make sure there is a date stamp. You might be able to press charges for further stalking.

 

Go to a shooting range and teach her how to shoot. I'd suggest her getting a gun but she has young kids. Too bad you couldn't get him to follow you to the shooting range. He might assume she has a gun.

Edited April 24, 2014 by FitChick

[Babolat]

As far as sitting in his car outside her house, a restraining order usually limits the distance. If he sits in his car just beyond that limit and you have to drive by, wave to him and take his picture every single time and tell her to do the same. Make sure there is a date stamp. You might be able to press charges for further stalking..

Ha, she was doing just this prior to yesterday. She was telling me she saw him earlier this week and took a picture but he sped off too fast for it to be a good one.

[Babolat]

Today I remembered when my ex gf told me, about 2 months into dating, that she was involved in a sexual harassment law suit. She had to travel out of town for a deposition and that is when she told me.

 

 

She was a Barbie doll charming beauty with big fake breasts, so being a man of course I thought "Uh huh" when she first told me about it. When she went into detail though I realized what a pig her former boss was and that she was a victim. She did not show me the "evidence" but most of it was over email and she kept each one. She did not file a suit until she was laid off, or fired I think, for something unrelated by the pig. They settled out of court, so she must of had some good evidence. This bugged me for a while, and I admit I looked at it as "what did she do, or not do" at first. Did she dress provocatively? Did she mislead him in any way? As I got to know her though I saw the kind of person she was and I actually forgot about it until today.

 

 

This is definitely not an ideal situation or something to have to discover and navigate through this early on in dating. I don't judge her though and I do see her as a victim of a sick person. I think she handled it the best way she knew how (she has kept records of all of his petty actions and behaviors over the past 3 years that she shared with the court today), and knows how now. In time this will pass, or it will not.

[Poppyolive]

This is terrible, I'm glad she got the police involved and has your support. I thought my situation was bad daily nasty texts/emails/messages until I blocked....but this is super scary & disheartening.

 

I'm sure she's going through a lot, is shocked, scared & confused. My advice would be to do exactly what you are doing. There for her yet removed enough to not be involved. I would perhaps make that clear, because your relationship is separate and you don't need this to be your main focus. Don't allow this to stress you out. I'm sure she didn't ask for this, I'm sure she's doing the best she can. Split for 3 years and he's still carrying on like this. Crazy. Keep your relationship building separate and enjoy each other. If it gets too much take some time for yourself but keep communicating with her.

 

I think you are doing great, wise, grounded, supportive yet firm.

[Tressugar]

OP, I know where you are coming from. I've been through your situation in dealing with an ex spouse who can't move on. Just be careful. As the police have told me wayward love triangles are dangerous. I almost lost my life behind my husband's crazy ex wife. You should consider a restraining order and if you're bold enough a CCW. That's my next move!

Edited April 24, 2014 by Tressugar

[hoping2heal]

I guess I know nothing about how serious you two are. My feelings would be hurt if a guy didn't want to see me because of something I have no control over. If I were falling in love; I'd just feel devastated.

 

I don't so far read anything that reflects badly on her. Sounds like she left him for all the right reasons (better than let him continue to abuse her).

[Mariposa10]

A restraining order is just a piece of paper. This guy (if he's not taking his medicine) is really sick. If I were you, I'd pause this. IF I WERE HER, I'D PAUSE THIS RELATIONSHIP, to be honest. I would never put another person in danger. I wouldn't have the mental strength to worry about one more person who can get hurt.

[Babolat]

OP, I know where you are coming from. I've been through your situation in dealing with an ex spouse who can't move on. Just be careful. As the police have told me wayward love triangles are dangerous. I almost lost my life behind my husband's crazy ex wife. You should consider a restraining order and if you're bold enough a CCW. That's my next move!

 

What's a CCW?

[Babolat]

A restraining order is just a piece of paper. This guy (if he's not taking his medicine) is really sick. If I were you, I'd pause this. IF I WERE HER, I'D PAUSE THIS RELATIONSHIP, to be honest. I would never put another person in danger. I wouldn't have the mental strength to worry about one more person who can get hurt.

I hear you, but, pause it, until when? Until, he gets better? Until, what? Should this woman never date again because an ex is sick?

 

How does one know when "he gets better?" She is a smart woman and I doubt seriously if she thought this man would persue me next she would have started this relationship. If I focus on the extreme, what could happen from watching the news, movies, extreme stories, murders and the like, yeah, I could freak out over this. I'm not.

 

NOTHING I have seen or heard from her causes me to believe this woman is drawn to or attracts drama, or in any way shape of form asked for this from this man. What he has done to date is petty non-illegal stuff. She has kept a documented history of these events. She finally caught him doing something illegal and could prove it. She acted quickly and got the police and courts involved. Now, is she suppose to pause her life until, something? The court date? he aplogizes? What event allows her to move forward with her life?

 

How is she putting me, in danger? And knowing what I know abou ther so far I am 100% sure she would pause "us" if she felt I was in danger.

 

I was stalked once. She did not accpet my reason for breaking up with her. She kept showing up at my house, texting me over and over and over. It got to the point where I would hide my car, or not come home. Should I have stopped my entire life becasue, of a crazy woman stalking me? Then if it stopped for 6 months, started again, I should have paused my life, again?

 

Yeah, it's only been 5 weeks and I could bail on her. I get your message, I just don't think it's that black and white.

[Babolat]

I guess I know nothing about how serious you two are. My feelings would be hurt if a guy didn't want to see me because of something I have no control over. If I were falling in love; I'd just feel devastated.

 

I don't so far read anything that reflects badly on her. Sounds like she left him for all the right reasons (better than let him continue to abuse her).

It's been 5 weeks. We have spent a lot of time together in those 5 weeks; more so than I would normally do as I said to myself "I like her, screw the games, the rules, on how much we should see each other; I want to spend time with her".

 

We've had a lot of great talks, sharing our stories, but not too much too soon. I like her, I've had fun with her, I want toi learn more about her.

 

Falling in love? No.

 

I was impressed to hear she kicked him out when he showed his first sign of physical abuse. I was impressed to see how quickly she ended the marriage (it was a 1 year marriage) once she discovered his illness and that he was not going to address it. She did not hang around, like a lot of people would do, being abused, physically and emotionally, waiting for something and/or blaming herself. As she put it "I've got one shot at this life and I plan to make the best of it".

[iris219]

It may not be her fault, but it's your not obligation to deal with her drama. It's not someone's fault if they have a crazy family, a horribly bratty child, or a mental illness, but I would choose to not involve myself in those situations.

 

Maybe this will be the last time her ex bothers her, maybe it won't. You have to decide it you want any part of this.

[Babolat]

It may not be her fault, but it's your not obligation to deal with her drama. It's not someone's fault if they have a crazy family, a horribly bratty child, or a mental illness, but I would choose to not involve myself in those situations.

 

Maybe this will be the last time her ex bothers her, maybe it won't. You have to decide it you want any part of this.

Agreed. And unlike my ex gf where I did try to help/fix, etc, I plan to stay removed from this.

 

I don't care if the man does creepy stuff like texts her or even sits outside her house. I have no control over that, nor does she. She has orders from the court now that will result in him going to jail, if he does continue to do these things. Doesn't mean he won't though. I do care if something he will do interferese with us, or affects me. I guess that's really the only unknown to me.

[Babolat]

So there seems to be a mix of opinions on stay, listen, keep your eyes open, don't get involved and get out now, bail, too much drama/baggage to deal with even though it's not her fault; it's early enough where I am not emotionally attached yet, leave.

 

I've also kind of read between the lines from some of the posts that she did not "do the right things" (no alarm for example") so she has "issues", get out now.

 

For those who have experienced this before, and stayed, can you share your story?

[jaymoq]

I didn't read through all of the other replies, but I will share my experience. My experience is unique to being the one being stalked. My ex of 4 years began to stalk me about 6 months after the end of our relationship. At that time, I was seeing another man. He would show up at my house, throw rocks at my windows, call me, email me. I would change numbers, block him, I even moved, but he still followed. Never threatening, just wanted to see me. Be around me. It got weirder, he would send me an email saying "I saw you at X place" or "You looked nice in that dress today." Then he started showing up at my job. Following me to my car. The police got involved, and he quieted down just enough so the police told me they couldn't really do much since he'd stopped physical attempts at contact. Not sure if I agreed with that, but the police force was pretty relaxed in that town.

 

Fast forward a few years. The man I'd been dating during that time I ended up marrying. And, during the four years of our dating, my stalker ex was still popping up. Would find ways to get my new email address. Would make new accounts just to try to friend me on my Facebook page.

 

I never once thought much about it. I was in a committed relationship. I did not want a break. I did not want time to 'deal' with it. In my mind, yes, it was a problem and yes, I needed to dela with it on my own but what I really needed was the support of my husband.

 

But, he became incredibly insecure. He started hacking my accounts to see if my crazy ex was contacting me. He started demanding I come home straight from work. The fact I was being stalked, in his mind, meant I was vulnerable to going back to this guy. He was convinced that despite our marriage, despite having the authorities contacted, despite moving 1600 miles away to a new state and starting fresh, that it wasn't the stalker that was the problem, it was me. Because I must be leading this stalker on to keep stalking me. It was an incredibly backward way of thinking. And, let me tell you, it ended my marriage.

 

My husband got so insecure, so convinced I was communicating with this stalker (that even found me 1600 miles away, how crazy is that? it was bad) that he started to threaten me himself. My husband even called the stalker ex and basically said "If you want her so bad, come get her."

 

So, my advice? Support her. Let her know you're there. But, if SHE wants space or if she needs time, she will tell you. You can show concern, but more than anything, just let her know you're there for her. However you can be. And don't let this situation jeopardize how you look at her.

 

I just wanted to share my experience. My story didn't end well. It broke up my marriage and ended in me getting assaulted by my stalker a few months ago when he found out I was now divorced. Its a bad situation to be in, but the stalkee (if we can call it that) is never to blame for the situation. My stalker followed me for 5 years with a passion. It wasn't until I got the restraining order after he showed up and assaulted me that he LEGALLY wasn't able to bug me. But, let HER decide what she wants to do. Its her life, her safety, and she will do what she thinks is best in this situation.

 

Good luck. Hang in there! I know its tough.

[Babolat]

I didn't read through all of the other replies, but I will share my experience. My experience is unique to being the one being stalked. My ex of 4 years began to stalk me about 6 months after the end of our relationship. At that time, I was seeing another man. He would show up at my house, throw rocks at my windows, call me, email me. I would change numbers, block him, I even moved, but he still followed. Never threatening, just wanted to see me. Be around me. It got weirder, he would send me an email saying "I saw you at X place" or "You looked nice in that dress today." Then he started showing up at my job. Following me to my car. The police got involved, and he quieted down just enough so the police told me they couldn't really do much since he'd stopped physical attempts at contact. Not sure if I agreed with that, but the police force was pretty relaxed in that town.

 

Fast forward a few years. The man I'd been dating during that time I ended up marrying. And, during the four years of our dating, my stalker ex was still popping up. Would find ways to get my new email address. Would make new accounts just to try to friend me on my Facebook page.

 

I never once thought much about it. I was in a committed relationship. I did not want a break. I did not want time to 'deal' with it. In my mind, yes, it was a problem and yes, I needed to dela with it on my own but what I really needed was the support of my husband.

 

But, he became incredibly insecure. He started hacking my accounts to see if my crazy ex was contacting me. He started demanding I come home straight from work. The fact I was being stalked, in his mind, meant I was vulnerable to going back to this guy. He was convinced that despite our marriage, despite having the authorities contacted, despite moving 1600 miles away to a new state and starting fresh, that it wasn't the stalker that was the problem, it was me. Because I must be leading this stalker on to keep stalking me. It was an incredibly backward way of thinking. And, let me tell you, it ended my marriage.

 

My husband got so insecure, so convinced I was communicating with this stalker (that even found me 1600 miles away, how crazy is that? it was bad) that he started to threaten me himself. My husband even called the stalker ex and basically said "If you want her so bad, come get her."

 

So, my advice? Support her. Let her know you're there. But, if SHE wants space or if she needs time, she will tell you. You can show concern, but more than anything, just let her know you're there for her. However you can be. And don't let this situation jeopardize how you look at her.

 

I just wanted to share my experience. My story didn't end well. It broke up my marriage and ended in me getting assaulted by my stalker a few months ago when he found out I was now divorced. Its a bad situation to be in, but the stalkee (if we can call it that) is never to blame for the situation. My stalker followed me for 5 years with a passion. It wasn't until I got the restraining order after he showed up and assaulted me that he LEGALLY wasn't able to bug me. But, let HER decide what she wants to do. Its her life, her safety, and she will do what she thinks is best in this situation.

 

Good luck. Hang in there! I know its tough.

 

 

Thank you, thank you. Last night I caught myself thinking "what is she doing, or not doing" to encourage him to spy on her, stalk her still, after 3 years. So I am so glad you shared your ex husbands issues. My thoughts were quickly replaced with "Nothing, she did not ask for this. She has done everything she can, legally, to put an end to it". I don't know the frequency of the spying/stalking over the past 3 years. I get the impression from her it's something she documented in case it ever became an issue, which when it did by him entering her home, she quickly acted. I like how you said "never threatening" as this is the impression I get from her comments. I get the impression this man just wants to see what she is doing, and has no plans to act on anything.

 

I have questions, and for now I plan to be quiet. Those questions may get answered as she talks, and they may just go away as I get to know her better.

Edited April 24, 2014 by Babolat

[Sunfire73]

My exh was also a psycho stalker, and it has been years till i recovered from the constant fear I had after I divorced him. He was abusive, an addict and followed me, harrassed and threatened me everywhere. The one thing that start to help me was I moved far away from him and started a new life, really far (I was from another country and moved here to the US). But even if i was far away from him, i still have nightmares about him, chasing me and doing the things he has done to me. We divorced almost 15 yrs ago. Took me around 10 years to recover from his abuse. When he passed away 5 yrs ago, i felt finally at peace, didn't dream about him anymore and fully recovered.

 

Your gf might need a lot of time to deal with her ex and her fears. It's up to you if you want to be there for her, but like me, it took a lot of time to recover. I was not able to give a lot to my relationship at the time i was recovering from my ex, so that one didn't work out as well. Now that I'm fully healed, I am at a better place to give myself to this new relationship.