How to manage when your partners ex is stalking them

[Chocolat]

Actually, she is not as wealthy as I assumed. most of the money seems to be on her ex husbands family side. So, finances would have been part of a decision for her in this.

 

Really? Really? She went from being way wealthier than you to unable to install a safe lock on her door?

 

There was one episode where he pushed her, she fell and broke her arm.

 

In the OP you said:

 

he treated her poorly (emotional abuse and finally physical abuse). He ultimately threw her across a room and broke her arm.

 

You also said

 

Since the divorce he has continued to stalk her, even though he has remarried. She has moved and he is showing up at her new house, sitting outside in his car. She has seen him walking around the house. He sends her hateful texts from random phones.

 

This is behavior that most women would find threatening, especially coming from a man who had been abusive in the past.

 

Its my best guess, this man is living in some kind of state of the denial

 

I think you all are.

[Babolat]

Really? Really? She went from being way wealthier than you to unable to install a safe lock on her door?

 

 

 

In the OP you said:

 

 

 

You also said

 

 

 

This is behavior that most women would find threatening, especially coming from a man who had been abusive in the past.

 

 

 

I think you all are.

 

 

I did not state she was unable to uninstall a safe lock on a door. I said, or should re-state, it's my assumption that if she DID think about it, finances may have been a thought. My best guess from listening to her is she never felt threatened by this man and never saw it going this far. I can promise you, from what I know about her she did not intentionally put her or her kids at risk, in any danger, by not changing to different locks and/or getting an alarm system. My best guess now, knowing more about her, that she is wealthier than me, but it's probably money from her divorce that she used to buy a nice home and a nice car and my best guess is saved some. Current income/wealth is probably the same or similar as me.

 

 

I do not recall the details of the one time physical abuse. What I heard, and this is before last week, is there was once incident of physical abuse and he kicked him out immediately. I do not recall if she said he threw her, push her, or what. I know what I said in this thread. When she shared this with me weeks ago, what I heard and processed in my head was "one time physical abuse, she kicked him out, good for her".

 

 

The stalking and spying has not been continuous and ongoing for 3 years. She has told me of 3-4 events where he was outside her home in his car when she came home, that's it. She saw it as annoying and creepy, not a threat to her or her kids. She would take a photo to document it. What else could she do?

 

 

I am not sure what your message is. I think you are suggesting this woman made bad choices by not getting an alarm system, by not spending the money to get more sophisticated locks, basically not protecting herself or her kids, and she possibly did this intentionally, for what? Attention? Because she liked his actions and behaviors and wanted them to continue?

 

 

What's impressed me the most is the way she has handled herself and the situation once she did see it was more serious than she initially thought.

 

 

I'm trying to understand your message, your point. And, if this was an extreme case prior, I could. But from the history she has shared with me, it sounds like an ex who was a bit of a nuisance, didn't want to let go maybe, kept an eye on her from a distance, and now that she is starting to see someone he has crossed the line. And she has taking the right steps to address it.

 

 

So lets assume she had better locks and an alarm system. He can still legally sit out in the street in front of her house. He probably would have figured the locks out if he wanted to. And if he entered the home and an alarm went off he would have left, like he has been doing anyway. Then, what? In the videos she has seen he walks around looking at things for about 30 seconds then leaves.

 

 

I feel like some of you are judging this woman for making mistakes, not doing the right thing "if it were you". Trust me, I certainly do not know her well, but I can promise you if she felt he was a threat she would have done more. Once she started connecting some dots, she did do more, she got cameras installed. She caught him on video and had something she could take to the police, and she did, immediately. If she got an alarm system, he would have entered, then left, no video, then what? How long would she have to deal with that?

Edited April 28, 2014 by Babolat

[Babolat]

I woke up thinking about this more. She had her kids this weekend so we could not see each other. Out texts have been fun, no talk about this subject at all. I was meeting a buddy for dinner near her house yesterday and texted her to see if she could sneak away for a bit to join us; she did.

 

She was all smiles, happy, her fun self. My buddy loved her. She commented what an unusually bad week she has had (we were talking about her sleeping for 12 hours Saturday night, how exhausted she was) , but it's Okay. This woman probably had one of the worst weeks of her life last week and she was all smiles and not complaining, not wining, really even talking about it at all. She was he amazing fun loving cheerful fun to be with self at dinner. She is managing this on her own and keeping it outside of an "us".

 

The topic of hunting came up and she did mention, that with her recent events, even with her fear of guns, her friends have been talking to her about buying one and learning how to use it. Again, she is managing this on here own, not turning to me, as this was new to me. I did not say anything and I won't about purchasing and learning how to use a gun.

 

I think she has managed this iteratively, taken the steps she has needed to, when she has needed to and she is doing an amazing job seperating this, from us. I have lots of questions, want to ask, but for now I want to see where an "us" can go. I want to stay in the loop as the court stuff moves forward, but this is for her to manage and I like how she has managed it to date.

 

Sure, she could have put bars up on her windows, installed sophisticated finger print locks, and a high tech security system, and maybe she should have moved into a jail for "protection" (sarcasm), but she did not feel the need to, and I trust her judgement. I may have painted an uglier picture of the abuse while married and the stalking/spying since the divorce. The emotional abusve I mentioned is was managing and living with someone who is bipolar and not taking their meds regulary; the extreme mood swings. My ex wifes half sister was bipolar, and though I never saw the mood swings, we heard about them from her husband. On manay occassions he thought about divorcing her. She was physcially abusive eith him.

 

Could this get worse? Yes. Will it? I have no idea. My eyes are wide open, I am going to ask her to not keep anything from me that may have value/importance to me, or us, other than that this is hers to manage and I will support her.

[carhill]

Sounds like the two of you are managing well. Hope it continues and she gets her issues with her ex sorted. By being yourself and focusing on the moment, you can provide a healthy balance to the other issues of her day, where she attaches positive feelings to your interactions. Over time, intimacy and trust grow out of such interactions, and you get to know each other and such challenges, over time, become less 'you' and more 'us'. Over time.

[Babolat]

Sounds like the two of you are managing well. Hope it continues and she gets her issues with her ex sorted. By being yourself and focusing on the moment, you can provide a healthy balance to the other issues of her day, where she attaches positive feelings to your interactions. Over time, intimacy and trust grow out of such interactions, and you get to know each other and such challenges, over time, become less 'you' and more 'us'. Over time.

Thank you. Last night, she sent me a text that simply said "I am am enjoying getting to know you, you are amazing". That, meant a lot to me given what she is going though.

 

I was able to give her 1-2 hours of fun at dinner last night, lots of laughs and smiles, and I could tell that meant a lot to her. She even said "drinks on me next time!"

 

While sitting outside eating, her male best firend, his 3 kids and his wife road up on their bikes. I met them very brieifly last weekend at an outdoor festival. I could tell they were close, in a great friendship kind of way. She said it's important for me to get to know him as he is a close friend in her life and knows her well. I could tell they had been talking about the recent events, as he said "Good to see you are doing well, we'll talk more this week". She has an amazing cirlce of people in her life that I can tell truly care about her.

 

I'll be here to support her, not fix her (unlike my ex gf, lessons learned). I will see how the relationship progresseds and take it from there.

[Babolat]

BTW, to the posters who are questioning her actions and behaviors, or lack thereof, I appreciate your feedback and need to hear it. I'm not judging you for voicing your opinions and concerns.

 

I am simply stating, from what I have seen and heard from her, I am pretty sure I would have handled this exactly the same way, iteratively. As it progressed she started to document, once she "had something", she took it to the police immediately. Had she felt threatened at any point along the way over the past 3 years, I am confident she would have done more.

 

I was standing there when the police looked at her doors. They even said, if he wants to get in, given the resources he has, he will get in. They encouraged her to get her keys changed, but, since he knows how to make keys. I'm not sure what value that adds. They even said that. They encouraged her to get the sliding bar, not the chain, that hotels use once you are inside the house, to add an additonal lock. You cannot utilize these once you leave the house though. The only added value is more protection once in th ehouse. When he has come it's been at lunchtime and other times when he knows she will not be in the house.

 

They suggested she use different keys for all entry doors, versus sharing the same key.

[Babolat]

I ended up talking to one of my good friends last night about this, and then remembered he is a PI (Private Investigator). He is impressed with the steps she has taking to date, especially the camera where she finally had something to go to the police, and di, immediately. As he put it "she needs to keep the throttle down now and stay on top of this".

 

He has worked many stalking cases. Even with photos of the stalker outside the stalkees home, the police cannot do anything. Even with a "not so friendly" text, the police cannot do anything. He agreed with not rushing to change the locks, her ex would have figured it out. He agreed with not sushing to get a security system, he would have gotten in and if the place is already bugged he probably would know the code to disarm it. He liked the camera idea as a first step, get him in the house and on video, which she now has documented.

 

Since she has been taking steps to better secure and protect herself.

[FitChick]

If he's bugged her place with cameras and microphones, there is equipment you can buy to 'sweep' the place.

[RedRobin]

You have to have more than just icky feelings about someone in order file a restraining order.

 

Prior to the videos, it doesn't sound to me like she had any substantial proof.

 

I hope some of you can imagine that people don't want to come across as paranoid either.

 

It sounds like she has some post divorce work to do to recover from abuse. A lot of women who have been abused are reluctant to report for lots of reasons... It is a big pain in the *ss dealing with law enforcement and the courts! especially if you have some hope that the idiot will go away after some period when he finds a new girl. I wouldn't necessarily call it a red flag. Perhaps she just wanted to wait until there was enough hard proof to make it an open and shut case.

 

As for the locks. I would never guess that someone could get keys made for my existing locks?! Really?? Look folks... People who stalk do it to create fear and make themselves a hassle. Reporting to police is a huge hassle unless you actually feel physically threatened and you have hard proof.

 

Anyway...It is her problem to deal with. Not yours. I am sooooo not looking for any drama in my life... It is hard enough establishing a relationship without all that.

 

I dunno. If I were you, I would see how well she manages it on her own. You don't need to be asking her about it, or even talking about it. A restraining order is just a process. Much like reporting a student for cheating. Unpleasant, but nothing she needs to internalize or involve you in.

[Babolat]

You have to have more than just icky feelings about someone in order file a restraining order.

 

Prior to the videos, it doesn't sound to me like she had any substantial proof.

 

I hope some of you can imagine that people don't want to come across as paranoid either.

 

It sounds like she has some post divorce work to do to recover from abuse. A lot of women who have been abused are reluctant to report for lots of reasons... It is a big pain in the *ss dealing with law enforcement and the courts! especially if you have some hope that the idiot will go away after some period when he finds a new girl. I wouldn't necessarily call it a red flag. Perhaps she just wanted to wait until there was enough hard proof to make it an open and shut case.

 

As for the locks. I would never guess that someone could get keys made for my existing locks?! Really?? Look folks... People who stalk do it to create fear and make themselves a hassle. Reporting to police is a huge hassle unless you actually feel physically threatened and you have hard proof.

 

Anyway...It is her problem to deal with. Not yours. I am sooooo not looking for any drama in my life... It is hard enough establishing a relationship without all that.

 

I dunno. If I were you, I would see how well she manages it on her own. You don't need to be asking her about it, or even talking about it. A restraining order is just a process. Much like reporting a student for cheating. Unpleasant, but nothing she needs to internalize or involve you in.

Well said RR and you are right about her, the courts and the police, and thank you for sharing this.

 

 

We met for dinner last night and she shared a lot more of the history. And yes, long story short, until she had the videos she had no proof and the police and courts could not do anything. She tried post separation, the police and courts always told her what he was doing was not illegal and she did not feel physically threated so they could not do anything.

 

 

She did go thru a lot of post marriage counseling, even called her counselor this week to talk to her about the current events. Her counselor gave her a lot of good advice. She hired a PI post separation, her divorce attorney helped her as much as he could. Long story short the police and courts cannot do anything unless he breaks the law. And, he never did.

 

 

She sold her last house, the house they lived into together, her house, because it felt contaminated by him. She bought her new home and assumed, hoped, it was all done. And it's been mostly quiet for over a year. She said she never thought about a security system, never felt threatened or not safe, and never did in her previous home.

 

 

She had a gut feeling he had been in the new home, her friends friend installed the cameras for free, and she caught him. She has been on top of it since, and has managed it very well. If she had a security system she never would have caught him on tape.

 

 

The restraining orders, the no contact order, have real no value. She saw him in a restaurant since the orders, (she was there with a friend and he showed up with his gf), the commonwealths attorney told her to call the police if he shows up anywhere near her, she called the police, they came, talked to him. chalked it up to coincidence and left. She's convinced he has bugged her home again and knew she would be there. She's having a man come this week to go thru her home to find any bugs. She's also having an alarm system installed this week and additional locks. She's turned her computer off, turned off her wifi and is not using her iPad.

 

 

The police have since withdrawn the breaking and entering charge and the stalking charge and state all they can only charge him with the 5 charges of unlawful entry from the video.

 

 

This woman has done everything she can and she finally caught him. She hates this, she hates having to go thru this, she hates having to spend time and energy on it, she hates that it may interfere with us.

She just wants it gone, done, but knows she will have to invest more time and energy into it. This man is just a creep, she thinks it's a game to him. He was arrested again Saturday after she showed the police the additional videos and he immediately posted bond. His gf was with him when the police arrived at the restaurant so who knows what his has told her, probably the he is being stalked.

 

 

I feel for her, this is tragic and sad. 3 years later and she finally wants to start a relationship and he is doing his stuff again.

 

 

We're going slow, I'm going to let her manage this, and I am very impressed with how she has managed it. I told her I will be here to listen and support, and I do want to know important details, otherwise I want our time to be about us, and she agrees.

 

 

To the woman who commented on here who have never experienced a man like this, though I understand your points, it's not THAT simple and easy to manage. The man can do pretty much anything he wants so long as he does not threaten or and she cannot prove he's been a threat.

 

 

Even with these orders he can still sit on the street outside her home. He just can't "contact her" as in approach her and talk to her. He can follow her, he can watch her, he can do pretty much anything.

[Leigh 87]

My ex FWB went psycho on me when I left him for my current boyfriend.

 

The FWB was otherwise a very normal guy, very fun loving, not REMOTELY strange or anti social. Girls had fcked him over though. He fell in love with me and...I planned on staying single and honestly didn't think I'd meet anyone. I told him I needed a romantic spark. He is my ideal type otherwise.

Anyways. After a lot of back and fourth between me trying to cut contact with FWB due to not having any spark with him sexually (I felt guilty for only laying back and getting pleasure from him when I desires to give nothing in return including sex) he went PSYCHO.

 

He rang millions of times a day telling me what an awful person I was (I told him all along what the deal was..... I told him to opt out several times he begged me to believe he was okay with it all). He blew up my phone and the new guy wasn't okay with it. The ex FWB sent an inappropriate text or two, constantly went from "omg I am ashamed of how I acted " to then changing his tune and going psycho again.

 

It isn't stalking but he did harass me, make me cry, make me sick to my stomach constantly. He was inconsolable seeing a girl he was in love with, with someone new. He was otherwise a very nice and normal guy, by ANYONES standards, seriously. He had pent up rage and anger surrounding women and with me he snapped.

 

The interesting thing I got out of this whole experience is the notion that he was deeply ashamed and .... just really EMBARRASSED by the way in which he acted. He wanted to ring MY MUM to apologise for all the awful things he called me, for how scared I was by his behaviour and the hours crying on the phone I spent.

 

I have no doubt this man is perfectly fine now. I hope he doesn't still think all women are b*tches. I hope it has worked out for him with the new girl he met soon after me, who I HOPE wasn't a rebound who he threw himself into.

[Babolat]

If he's bugged her place with cameras and microphones, there is equipment you can buy to 'sweep' the place.

Yup, she did this 3 years ago at her prior home and the same man is coming out this week to do it to her current home.

[Babolat]

RR, I cannot PM you, and I wanted to thank you personally, so here goes:

 

Hey RR, you and I have our differencse for sure, but I want to thank you for your comments on my stalking thread.

 

I am starting to like this woman, she has a ot of the qualities I want, admire, respect, etc and she seems to have her act together, unlike my crazy ex. This drama does concern me, her and I have talked about it a lot, and she is managing it very well and trying to keep it away from an "us". I could walk away at this point, not easily, but I could. I'm not ready to though. We've talked about this, she said she understands if I do and she understands my concern. My main concern is, what's next and when will this go away, and will it alwasy be a part of us. She cannot answer that question, I think only time, will.

 

My eyes are wide open, I've asked the questions I needed answered. She is the victim of a sick man who knows where the legal line is and she finally caught him crossing it. He's been arrested 2 times in 5 days and also visited by the police at the restaurant. She is struggling with this as she just wants it to be over and does not like the idea that she has pressed charges against anyone, includin ghim, it sickens her, she is really struggling with this because of her religious upbrining, her values, morals, character, etc. Of course everyone around her, including her family, has pretty much told her for the past 3 years to nail this man to the cross, but she has not had any proof. When she first kicked him out of her house 3+ years ago, the house he moved into when they got married, he kept coming back when she was not home. She even had vidoe tapes of him climbing in windows. The police said "Oh, it's too soon since the seperation and he is sad, hurt, whatever and he can still come back, since you ares till married". He had gone back to the woman he was dating prior to meeting her at this point, and was living with her, and this is his current gf.

 

She knows she has to keep the throttle down and continue to push through this, and she will. The courts have told her to document everything, which she's been doing anyway. I will support her, I won't tell her what to do, I'll make suggestions where and when it feels approproate.

 

The courts and the police are honestly a joke. She said the first officer on the scene at the restaurant where he showed up this week, post no contact/restraining order, just wanted to leave. He kept stating there was nothing he could do. Thankfully 2 more officers showed up and spent more time with her and talked to him more, and did what they could. This is now 3 viswits from the police in 7 days, as she put it more than she she has done in 3 years. And, the police cannot see anything in "their" system that's in the "courts" system. The arrests did not show up, the orders did not show up, nothing was in "their" system. They told her, all we know is what we have learned in 20 minutes and we can't do anything. Pathetic IMHO.

 

I'm really starting to see where the court and police system fails the vicitms of things like this. She's felt this for 3+ years and it deflated her and as she said to me "why even call the police?". Once she had proof, she did, which I admire.

 

Again, thank you for your comments/words, I appreciate them.

[Babolat]

Last night she said "If money was not an issue I would have a PI on him 24 X 7". So to those posters who suggested "because she is wealthy she should have already done this or that" I do think she is on a budget and has to think about where to spend her money wisely for this. My best guess is she got some money from her first divorce as his family has a lot of money, enough to buy a nice house, a nice car, take care of her kids, and now she lives off of her income alone, like I do.

 

And, just to have to even think about "where do I spend my money to mange this, where do I put my resources" because of this sick man, must suck for her. I can't begin to image having to go thru this, wanting to finally start dating again, meet someoen you like, and BAM, he's back to "annoy" her.

[FitChick]

She should try to print out an NRA sign to post in her window. Make him think she has a gun.

[Babolat]

She should try to print out an NRA sign to post in her window. Make him think she has a gun.

Her friends have been talking to her about getting a gun. She's never even held one and of course is cautious especiually with kids in her house.

 

One of my good friends is a PI, and he said if the ex knows what to expect (her with a gun) the next time he intrudes, he's pretty sure it will stop! The problem is he does not enter the house when she is home, he is very careful that way. And a lot of his tactics are doing things like calling her work and hanging up, sending anonymous letters to her work, texting her from other peoples phones, following her in her car, waving to her from outside her house, etc. All of this happened post seperation, not in the past 2 years.

[Babolat]

She just texted me to state she saw her therapist agian today, after not seeing her for 2 years, as she needs the guidance/support during this. This is the same therapist her and the ex saw togther prior to her kicking him out, so the therapist knows the ex and his history.

 

I think that is smart. Her therapist talked about the stressor this can be on a nascent relationship, and that it's good we are talking about it.

[Babolat]

We talked tonight and she gave me an update on what's been going on. An alarm system is being installed on Tuesday with keypad door entry locks to the tune of almost $2000.she also thinks he's bugged her house, so a professional bug Swiper is coming this week also, even more money.In addition, she's pretty sure he has some kind of spy software on her computer, as he did last time and when they were married. That's going to cost $5000 to have her computer fully broken down and inspected. based on the tone of her talking about these numbers, I don't think she's wealthy in this is going to be a big deal for her financially.She even said tonight that she hates her new home, she hates walking in the door knowing that he has been coming in and has contaminated it. She actually wants to sell her home, which would be the second time she has had to do this.

I feel for her. Nobody should have to go through this. Unfortunately the courts are pathetic when it comes to helping victims like her.she said once all of this is done, she is going to become a stalking advocate because she feels like she needs to speak out and help other women.

 

We talked about us, what all this means to our relationship especially since it's so brand new.neither of us knows, as neither of us have been through this before. We both agreed this is a lot to deal with at the start of a relationship.it's our plan to take it day by day, try to enjoy us, and not let this become the focus of our relationship.

[Eivuwan]

Wait, 5000 dollars to check a computer? Why not just get a new one?!

[spiderowl]

We talked tonight and she gave me an update on what's been going on. An alarm system is being installed on Tuesday with keypad door entry locks to the tune of almost $2000.she also thinks he's bugged her house, so a professional bug Swiper is coming this week also, even more money.In addition, she's pretty sure he has some kind of spy software on her computer, as he did last time and when they were married. That's going to cost $5000 to have her computer fully broken down and inspected. based on the tone of her talking about these numbers, I don't think she's wealthy in this is going to be a big deal for her financially.She even said tonight that she hates her new home, she hates walking in the door knowing that he has been coming in and has contaminated it. She actually wants to sell her home, which would be the second time she has had to do this.

I feel for her. Nobody should have to go through this. Unfortunately the courts are pathetic when it comes to helping victims like her.she said once all of this is done, she is going to become a stalking advocate because she feels like she needs to speak out and help other women.

 

We talked about us, what all this means to our relationship especially since it's so brand new.neither of us knows, as neither of us have been through this before. We both agreed this is a lot to deal with at the start of a relationship.it's our plan to take it day by day, try to enjoy us, and not let this become the focus of our relationship.

 

I wonder if there is some victims of crime compensation fund available that might help her out with some of these costs? I think victims can apply in the UK but don't know if they can where you are. It's worth considering.

[Raena]

Wait, 5000 dollars to check a computer? Why not just get a new one?!

 

Yeah, I second that... no sense paying to get the one she has checked... just trash it and get a new one for that price!

 

Never mind the fact that $5000 to do that seems over the top to begin with. It doesn't cost nearly that amount to reformat the hard drive. She could do it herself for free.

[Eivuwan]

Yeah, I second that... no sense paying to get the one she has checked... just trash it and get a new one for that price!

 

Never mind the fact that $5000 to do that seems over the top to begin with. It doesn't cost nearly that amount to reformat the hard drive. She could do it herself for free.

 

Yeah or just replace the harddrive. Maybe he meant $500 lol.

[FitChick]

Make sure she takes these steps in order:

 

 

1. Alarm system
   
2. Bug sweep
   
3. Throw out computer, buy new one
   
4. Sell house, buy new one (or high security condo) and install new alarm system before moving in. Maybe do the bug sweep again in case he gets into the house before she moves in.
   

[Chocolat]

How many exes does your gf have? I am confused based on what you wrote in this thread.

 

Your story sounds a lot like the story of the woman I am starting to date.

.

.

.

They are still close, good friends, see each other almost every day because of the kids. I think she loves him in a friendship kind of way and as the father of their kids. He sounds like a great man, just one who did not like or desire sex.

[Babolat]

Wait, 5000 dollars to check a computer? Why not just get a new one?!

I thought about that too last night and will suggest this to her.

 

She wants to get him for more feolonies; and the only way to do that though is to see if he put spyware on her computer, again. She will be talking to the commonwelaths attorney today to see if they do find spyware can they charge him. If not she will not invest the money in it.