Who Doesn't Want Kids?

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, seriously, so far what have you done/are doing in your life to help others? Do you volunteer? Rescue animals? Donate regularly to charity?

 

I think things are getting confused here.

 

2. You say that money is a factor in not having kids (clearly it's NOT, you detest the idea of being a mother) yet you believe you will be able to donate life-changing sums of money to strangers. One contradicts the other. Just don't have kids!

 

Money is a secondary reason. First of all, I hate the idea of having my own child. I believe this is attributed to me having a huge social conscience and having a lot of desire to help others, and from such a young age I have had these urges.

Without the urge to have children whatsoever, the idea becomes unappealing since I have things I DO want to do. Bearing children not one of them.....

If I truly wanted them I would have them on a low income that ruled out any future overseas trips.

Instead, I have a huge desire to support my elderly parents one day and help people who are already alive, opposed to deliberately creating another life.

 

3. Overseas travel. I've taken my son to loads of places. Some years less than others. But travelling with kids can be even MORE wonderful, seeing life and new horizons through their eyes. Not for all, but for me, that's the case.

 

Yep my parents did the same for me. Sadly for me I am going to get my first full time job later in life due to graduating much later than most people (I will be 31). This means I will never afford to have kids and travel overseas ever again AND help my parents out.

My job has a good earning potential, that I will likely be quiet comfortable on, but with kids I still wont ever afford kids AND overseas travel. Ever. At all.

Not to mention I want to support my parents as much as I can, and I have no urge to have kids, and therefore the idea of kids becomes something I dread since it will get in the way of the things I want to do in life.

 

 

4. How will you manage to rescue 'thousands of cats and dogs' with regular travel? I struggle to find somewhere I think suitable for my little jack russell when I'm away for a weekend, not sure how that would work for you if you're running some sort of animal centre.

 

Social workers in Australia who have a few years of experience easily get 50 - 65 K jobs within years of graduating, the earning potential after that is higher, a lot higher as a senior social worker. In the 80 plus K.

Eventually yes I will afford overseas travel once every two or 3 years, a small trip by no means on a grandiose scale; I will afford a back yard then I can then expand to save A LOT of animals.

 

I believe I will have the means to support my mum in the future (my dad is dying so .. ), take her AND myself overseas once in a while AND rescue a lot of animals.

 

Later on when I am about 40, I plan to put my first mortgage down. Bearing in mind I will graduate at age 31. I will buy a very small place with a large yard/land, whereby I will start the process of taking in abandon animals.

I will use social media and the assistance of the RSPCA animal welfare group in Australia to inform me of when potential homes become vacant and also I will put adds up online.

 

I will just keep the animals who cannot be rescued/put into homes.

 

5. Are you sure you're realistic about how much your mum, cancer treatments for children, overseas travel and rescuing animals will actually cost?

 

Yes I am adamant I will be able to do such things. Of course not right out of college. Later on in life.

 

After a decedent life I now life very frugally as a student. I intend to go without eating out (ever), new cars, or nice houses. I will not buy clothes often only when my old ones fall apart etc.

 

I will happily make sacrifices for the things I WANT.

The things like kids, that I DONT want, I am simply not inclined to sacrifice my dreams for something I don't even want...

[Leigh 87]

This!!

 

 

For me, kids are amazing, if theyre the center of my universe then so be it cause there the best darn center I could imagine!

 

But Its to talk not for everyone and better those people realise it, not that it's good or bad, but just that it is, and abide by it - cause the alternative can do a hell of a lot of damage!! Especially the having a kid just for your partner - I've seen how that can work out first hand!

 

 

 

Yes I am sure you are a wonderful father, I can tell how overwhelmed with joy you are from simply reading a few posts by you. I am genuinely happy for you, I like reading about nice sounding folks that love their kids.

 

The centre of my universe though, I am afraid, is not going to be a child. I really hate that notion FOR ME; it would not make ME happy, although thousands of others like yourself love their kids being the centre of their universe.

I will have my partner be the centre of my universe; my parents well being, the animal shelter I want to start one day... having good friends I can help out in times of need due to not having children..

Other things can become " my centre" of my universe, it is nothing to do with ME wanting to be the centre of my own universe I mean come on, overseas travel is important to me but that alone would make me miserable if I could not devote myself to a partner, helping other people and opening that animal shelter one day.

 

It is all about WHAT you want to dedicate yourself to.... I am not opting for my thing to be kids.. that is all. I am seeking out other things to totally devote myself to.

[RedRobin]

Leigh, this is just one more area of life where double standards regarding women abound.

 

If you don't want kids, there will be tons of people ready to tell you

1. You are a failure as a woman and letting down society.

2. You are heartless and selfish.

3. You don't know what you want and your biological clock will kick in and overrule all rational thought, so don't even think about getting your tubes tied. You are supposed to be ready to reproduce to prove your value as a woman.

 

You will notice that men aren't given this message by society.

 

As it is... Childcare is something most people put on the woman. The woman is expected to make most of the sacrifices to career and health too. I never saw it as something most men wanted bad enough... Not really. The men who tried to convince me to have a family with them seemed to talk more like they were hiring someone to do a job for them... Not actually ready to take on a true parenting partnership.

 

So yea... Until this is fixed... There will be women like you understandably wanting to demonstrate her nurturing abilities in other ways... And there are LOTS of other ways to contribute other than having kids.

 

The world has enough kids in my opinion. Too many go hungry or abused as it is. The world didn't need me to reproduce at all in order to make a difference. All of the pets I have had have been rescues for the same reason.

 

Those who say it does have their own agendas that have nothing to do with me. It doesn't even have anything to do with hoe much I like kids. I love kids... It is why I feel my time is better spent not having ones of my own. Too many others need my help.

Edited April 20, 2014 by RedRobin

[hotpotato]

RR is completely right!

 

I dont think refuting Leigh87s points will help. She just doesnt want them, and thats fine.

[Leigh 87]

Red Robyn, you are the only person I feel who understand my desire to avoid kids.

 

Carrie T has also gone on to have a great life and is clearly happy sans kids too.

 

I wont go as far as getting my tubes tied, as I am very nurturing and frankly, if my boyfriend does become well off, or if our joint income allows me at 38 - 40 to have children with the aid of some fertility treatment I suspect, I would actually agree to have a child.

I am not THAT against having them, it is just that the current climate of, geez, the entire world.... just makes the idea very unappealing.

It is more the fact that having a child will hinder me from following my dreams, and I am well aware of financial restrictions I will surely face as a result of being a high school drop out that went back to school later in life....

A child alone I am cool with, I have had thoughts about having a child with my boyfriend since I love him very much; it was a brief happy moment when I thought about how happy I COULD BE, potentially.

 

Overwhelmingly though, I have no urge to have a child indefinitely. My maternal desire coupled with my social conscience just ... makes the idea of giving so much up for a child very unappealing.

If I can achieve things and do what I consider to be my bit" in helping others, I will have a child if I can STILL manage to uphold my altruism.

A person who is basically neutral about children and has zero urge, will feel like it is very unappealing to give up dreams for a child you don't actually feel like having to begin with.

 

I am not as against having my own as Red Robyn but I am close to it!

[RedRobin]

I should add that it was quite difficult to find a doctor willing to tie my tubes at a young age... Because of a lot of the stereotypes mentioned here.

 

Notice that a man wishing to get a vasectomy has little or no resistance for that choice.

 

At any age.

 

The female doctor who did mine was from India. I imagine she observed the negative effects of overpopulation first hand. She was very careful to reiterate that the way she did the procedure was absolutely not reversible, which suited me fine. No chance of an ectopic pregnancy the way she did it.

 

I have never regretted the choice.

 

Edited: just saw your above post. No problem. I had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age while on birth control and had an abortion. I did not want to ever repeat that experience. Having my tubes tied was the most responsible choice for me... All things considered.

Edited April 20, 2014 by RedRobin

[gaius]

I'll give it a 1 in 20 chance I'll ever get married or have a kid. And if I do have one I intend to be a non-involved parent. Just like my father before me.

[Els]

Leigh, this is just one more area of life where double standards regarding women abound.

 

If you don't want kids, there will be tons of people ready to tell you

1. You are a failure as a woman and letting down society.

2. You are heartless and selfish.

3. You don't know what you want and your biological clock will kick in and overrule all rational thought, so don't even think about getting your tubes tied. You are supposed to be ready to reproduce to prove your value as a woman.

 

You will notice that men aren't given this message by society.

 

Unfortunately, I agree with this.

 

If it had been a man saying he didn't want to procreate, the thread would have died by page 2.

[gaius]

I should add that it was quite difficult to find a doctor willing to tie my tubes at a young age... Because of a lot of the stereotypes mentioned here.

 

Notice that a man wishing to get a vasectomy has little or no resistance for that choice.

 

At any age.

 

The female doctor who did mine was from India. I imagine she observed the negative effects of overpopulation first hand. She was very careful to reiterate that the way she did the procedure was absolutely not reversible, which suited me fine. No chance of an ectopic pregnancy the way she did it.

 

I have never regretted the choice.

 

Edited: just saw your above post. No problem. I had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age while on birth control and had an abortion. I did not want to ever repeat that experience. Having my tubes tied was the most responsible choice for me... All things considered.

All the stereotypes aside, I do think it's interesting you believed so strongly you didn't want kids at such a young age. It's usually more of a dilemma for most women. Sometimes I think we've only heard the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your negative experiences with men.

[Leigh 87]

I'll give it a 1 in 20 chance I'll ever get married or have a kid. And if I do have one I intend to be a non-involved parent. Just like my father before me.

 

 

Lovely.

 

My parents were the opposite of "absent" as you guys all know:lmao:

 

Well I am pretty sure I will get married. I am still not sure if being childless is a DEFINATE thing.

 

I would be a good parents if I were to have a child much later in life. I cannot imagine having a child only to resent it.

When I am around my friends children I am very protective and caring of their needs.... to me children are the last people I want hurt, since they have their whole life to live.

 

I can't imagine being an absent parent, I would jump in with both hands. I just would rather avoid the situation entirely

[Leigh 87]

good god though, I can't really fathom having an innocent child and NOT loving it and giving it all of my attention.

 

I may not want a child but if I was, say, one of those "pregnant without knowing it" gals you see on those shows, if I HAD to have the child in other words, I would absolutely embrace it, I cannot imagine turning my back on a child.

 

Especially since I am very much in love, if it is part of them too, I cannot... imagine having the ability to be indifferent and resentful once the child was THERE; it is just getting the child there I want to avoid.

[gaius]

Lovely.

 

My parents were the opposite of "absent" as you guys all know:lmao:

 

Well I am pretty sure I will get married. I am still not sure if being childless is a DEFINATE thing.

 

I would be a good parents if I were to have a child much later in life. I cannot imagine having a child only to resent it.

When I am around my friends children I am very protective and caring of their needs.... to me children are the last people I want hurt, since they have their whole life to live.

 

I can't imagine being an absent parent, I would jump in with both hands. I just would rather avoid the situation entirely

So would I, but my penis has made me do strange things before. I had an insatiable urge to impregnate one girl but fortunately she wouldn't let me. Always the condom. At least one of us was thinking straight.

 

I don't think anyone deserves more than what I got growing up, especially any children I have. So it would be hard to embrace being a father.

[hotpotato]

I should add that it was quite difficult to find a doctor willing to tie my tubes at a young age... Because of a lot of the stereotypes mentioned here.

 

Notice that a man wishing to get a vasectomy has little or no resistance for that choice.

 

At any age.

 

The female doctor who did mine was from India. I imagine she observed the negative effects of overpopulation first hand. She was very careful to reiterate that the way she did the procedure was absolutely not reversible, which suited me fine. No chance of an ectopic pregnancy the way she did it.

 

I have never regretted the choice.

 

Edited: just saw your above post. No problem. I had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age while on birth control and had an abortion. I did not want to ever repeat that experience. Having my tubes tied was the most responsible choice for me... All things considered.

Yes, thats true! I havent even bothered trying to get mine tied because I know it would be a rigmarole. I knew a young woman who wanted to get her tubes tied for medical reasons (potentially dangerous pregnancy) still would get heat from the doc.

 

Most everything falls on the woman when it comes to childrearing. A man can be a part time dad, and thats ok. If the relationship falls apart, the woman will usually get stuck with the kids while daddy dates.

[Silly_Girl]

Unfortunately, I agree with this.

 

If it had been a man saying he didn't want to procreate, the thread would have died by page 2.

 

I disagree. The thread has continue because Leigh gives mixed messages, and is inconsistent and dramatic/unrealistic in her posts. NOT because she doesn't want children.

 

She started off saying she's fairly sure she doesn't. Then she would HATE to have kids. Then she would probably have kids if her boyfriend were rich. And she could continue to 'be altruistic' though nothing in her posts suggests she's the least bit interested in actually helping others now, today.

 

It's really not about her decision, I'm very pro-choice, it's the noise around it that's prompted people to pipe up, I think.

[veggirl]

I'm not too interested in having kids, I'll be 31 next week. *IF* I were to have a kid, I don't want to until ~36 and ONLY ONE. I'm not at ALL interested in having a kid now or in the near future. The idea of being DINKs (dual income no kids) is very appealing to me

 

yeah people think I'm weird for not already having or trying to have kids, but whatever. The girls I work with comment on it (they are 2 yrs younger, just married and can't imagine getting to 30 w/o starting to have kids) and it doesn't bother me at all...different strokes. They also get on me for not yet pressuring my bf into marrying me, they can't believe I'm perfectly content with the status quo. I don't let it bother me.

[hotpotato]

Unfortunately, I agree with this.

 

If it had been a man saying he didn't want to procreate, the thread would have died by page 2.

 

Maybe its seen as more harmful to a population when women dont want to procreate. After all, you only need one male to impregnate a lot of women. However, you need the female to gestate for months then rear the child for years.

[Leigh 87]

I disagree. The thread has continue because Leigh gives mixed messages, and is inconsistent and dramatic/unrealistic in her posts. NOT because she doesn't want children.

 

She started off saying she's fairly sure she doesn't. Then she would HATE to have kids. Then she would probably have kids if her boyfriend were rich. And she could continue to 'be altruistic' though nothing in her posts suggests she's the least bit interested in actually helping others now, today.

 

It's really not about her decision, I'm very pro-choice, it's the noise around it that's prompted people to pipe up, I think.

 

 

 

The sole reason I don't donate thousands today is because I am a 27 year old college student studying full time.

 

I still donate to charities with the little money I have, I give clothes away every year and try to live with as little as possible.

 

I don't go out AT ALL with my friends, ever, at all, spare money I save/ and the rest to charities.

 

I can only afford small change whenever I see a change bucket for a charity.

 

I give all my silver change away at the end of the year.

 

I do my bit as much as a student can.

 

I also volunteer for the disadvantaged and I would have done it even if I was not doing a social work degree.

 

I previously volunteered for vision impaired and blind people before I changed to doing a volunteering activity relevant to my future field of work.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm not too interested in having kids, I'll be 31 next week. *IF* I were to have a kid, I don't want to until ~36 and ONLY ONE. I'm not at ALL interested in having a kid now or in the near future. The idea of being DINKs (dual income no kids) is very appealing to me

 

yeah people think I'm weird for not already having or trying to have kids, but whatever. The girls I work with comment on it (they are 2 yrs younger, just married and can't imagine getting to 30 w/o starting to have kids) and it doesn't bother me at all...different strokes. They also get on me for not yet pressuring my bf into marrying me, they can't believe I'm perfectly content with the status quo. I don't let it bother me.

 

Good. Do what's right for you!

 

In my immediate working environment:

1 guy is in his 50s, didn't have kids, decided adoption was too fraught with obstacles.

1 young man thinks he probably will.

1 young woman is 50:50.

1 young woman absolutely does want kids.

1 40 yo woman despises the idea of children.

 

And then there's me who presents as non-maternal, career-minded, but has loved every minute of parenting so far.

 

None of those, to my knowledge, have ever been challenged on their choices and it's a nice mix. I don't understand those who would seem to criticise others for that decision. Surely folk who don't want kids *having* kids is the last thing the world needs

[Leigh 87]

I'm not too interested in having kids, I'll be 31 next week. *IF* I were to have a kid, I don't want to until ~36 and ONLY ONE. I'm not at ALL interested in having a kid now or in the near future. The idea of being DINKs (dual income no kids) is very appealing to me

.

 

 

 

Same same same.

 

I can totally see the joy in having something of the person I love in a child that is also mine. I just don't have urges, maternal or otherwise, to have kids and yes, the DINK is ALSo very appealing to me. But not just do I can blow it on useless things, I do want to support my parents and try to help other people.

You know, it is just really nice to be in a position to help out friends or family, things you may not be able to afford to do if you have one or more kids.

 

At age 36 plus I am not totally ruling a child out, but without a decent income yeah, I hate the idea of having a poor household.

I guess my desire for kids doesn't outweigh the drawback of having a poor household.

Once I had the child I would deff be a hands on parent, I can tell I would embrace it once the baby was there.

[Els]

Maybe its seen as more harmful to a population when women dont want to procreate. After all, you only need one male to impregnate a lot of women. However, you need the female to gestate for months then rear the child for years.

 

This is pretty funny, given that the greatest threat to humanity in the upcoming years is unlikely to be underpopulation or even natural disasters, but problems wrought by society itself. No better way to hasten that end than to produce more kids with absent/terrible parents...

[veggirl]

Leigh, if you're confident in your decision, other peoples opinions won't bother you. There ARE guys out there who aren't interested in having kids. My bf is like me, maaaybe one someday but def not anytime soon and it's not like...a lifelong dream to have a kid. I've known tons of guys who don't want kids, and tons who don't want them until mid 30s at the earliest. Don't worry about it!

[Leigh 87]

Yeah well I wouldn't be an absent parent.

 

I know in my heart that once I had a child, if it was ever on the cards for me, I would absolutely not be able to be anything BUT a devoted parent.

 

The fact I know I have a lot of love to give within me, to a child... is why I am not ruling it out 100%. There is a 5% chance I could change my mind.

There is maybe a 20% chance my boyfriend will ever get a higher than average wage, as it hinges on limited prospects due to his slight short term memory loss.

 

So yeah, he needs a high income in order to ever consider a child...

 

He is quiet intelligent and has a big drive plus family support AND me, a devoted girlfriend he worships so yeah, I feel like if he has a will there will be a way for him to have a decent enough paying job ONE DAY.

 

Which makes me feel a lot better. To know he isn't letting his setback in life get him down (his memory problem) and he doesn't want kids badly ENOUGH to have them if we are not doing well financially, he knows the current financial climate is too .... trying, to have kids on even an average wage.

 

Well I guess our urges are not strong enough to have one without enough income. Once we had the child we are both the types to be totally devoted.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, if you're confident in your decision, other peoples opinions won't bother you. There ARE guys out there who aren't interested in having kids. My bf is like me, maaaybe one someday but def not anytime soon and it's not like...a lifelong dream to have a kid. I've known tons of guys who don't want kids, and tons who don't want them until mid 30s at the earliest. Don't worry about it!

 

 

 

My bf wants to wait 5 or 6 years minimum. Before even thinking about it.

 

We were both set back in life due to things that happened to us in our past. This has directly affected our financial situations.

I will be early 30's when I get my first full time professional job, if I am lucky, and no savings (sorry I am spending my college job funds on travel).

 

I can see how I would feel joyful and happy at the notion if a mini him/me, while I hate the idea of kids NOW, perhaps once I can support myself financially I will have a change of heart. I somehow doubt it though. He, on the other hand would LOVE a child but his instinct is not so great that he would have them with crummy incomes....

 

At least you and your bf are on the same page.

Plus you have full time jobs and he earns a good income from what you have told me, if you wanted kids you would be financially more able to cope.

Where as us... yeah it would be more financially strained. Although my field of work is expanding and the outlook looks reasonable. An above average wage is imminent if I work hard.

 

Social Workers - Job Outlook

[Els]

I disagree. The thread has continue because Leigh gives mixed messages, and is inconsistent and dramatic/unrealistic in her posts. NOT because she doesn't want children.

 

She started off saying she's fairly sure she doesn't. Then she would HATE to have kids. Then she would probably have kids if her boyfriend were rich. And she could continue to 'be altruistic' though nothing in her posts suggests she's the least bit interested in actually helping others now, today.

 

It's really not about her decision, I'm very pro-choice, it's the noise around it that's prompted people to pipe up, I think.

 

Oops, I missed your post. I think you do have a point, and I can understand some of your replies (and those of some others).

 

On the other hand, there are a few posters here who really are judging her just because they think procreation should be a woman's primary aim in life.

[RedRobin]

All the stereotypes aside, I do think it's interesting you believed so strongly you didn't want kids at such a young age. It's usually more of a dilemma for most women. Sometimes I think we've only heard the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your negative experiences with men.

 

What does not wanting kids have anything to do with negative experiences with men?!!!!

 

You forget my background is Scandinavian. Probably the only area on the planet that has anything close to parity in terms of childrearing expectations and opportunities for both parents.

 

My family is infinitely pragmatic. My dad had a vasectomy immediately after my sister was born. They wanted two kids. No more.