To get them back: No contact vs Some contact

[spicelover]

I would really have your friends and relatives stop giving you reports on her. Really nothing good comes of that.

 

No I know and I didn't ask for it either.. she just told me straight up. Yeah I'd rather not know anything at all to be honest because my mind goes a little crazy.

 

I just found it interesting that she said we were on a break instead of broken up. And that it was so we could sort our issues out separately. Instantly I now (can't help it), feel like she'll be back and we'll sort everything out. When I know it's not going to happen.

[Simon Phoenix]

No I know and I didn't ask for it either.. she just told me straight up. Yeah I'd rather not know anything at all to be honest because my mind goes a little crazy.

 

I just found it interesting that she said we were on a break instead of broken up. And that it was so we could sort our issues out separately. Instantly I now (can't help it), feel like she'll be back and we'll sort everything out. When I know it's not going to happen.

 

Yep, that last part is why you have to nip those types of reports in the bud. I would definitely make a point to tell whoever when they start talking about it that you'd appreciate not knowing, because now you are going to twist your mind into a pretzel.

[spicelover]

Yep definitely mind in turmoil now. Wondering why she'd say we're on a break for now instead of just completely done. And she said last week she "still feels", and wouldn't tell me to move on because "she's not ready to talk about that and focusing on herself".

 

I'm feeling like she's putting me through some kind of test to see how I handle this and go back to my ex-wife (which was the thing she worried about the most). I know she has patience... maybe she's testing mine.

 

Not a very nice thing to do to someone you love. Just makes me want to forget about her even more.

[David87]

She didn't loved you.........It hurts I know but the sooner you accept this the better. If she did you wouldn't be on LS asking for advice .

[elseaacych]

Yep definitely mind in turmoil now. Wondering why she'd say we're on a break for now instead of just completely done. And she said last week she "still feels", and wouldn't tell me to move on because "she's not ready to talk about that and focusing on herself".

 

I'm feeling like she's putting me through some kind of test to see how I handle this and go back to my ex-wife (which was the thing she worried about the most). I know she has patience... maybe she's testing mine.

 

Not a very nice thing to do to someone you love. Just makes me want to forget about her even more.

 

Yeah, no. When you are in a loving relationship you do not play games. That only comes when you are reaching the pre-breakup stage. Both sides are guilty of this behavior. (I know from experience.)

 

But you are in limbo as well. Which is why you are here asking what you should do. You are getting to the dangerous point of ambivalency, where you let the other person steer because you don't know what to do. It is is a step away from losing control, respect, and your relationship

 

Look, if you want to reclaim some control, I would come out and establish some boundaries. Say "look, it's not fair to either of us that you are not sure about what you want. I want to (insert what you want here). If we are to (what you want), we must (do x,yz). Would you be willing to do that with me?"

 

If she says she doesn't know, say that it's not fair to either of you that you don't know, then reiterate the benefits of saying yes. (Lots of work, but fun work. You love her. You think you can work together. It's part of being in a relationship. We will be stronger if you genuinely want to work with me on this.)

 

If she says yes, you better be ready to work on what you can do to improve the relationship and hold her accountable for her part. This will be a lot of work. But it can be fun work, remember, you love this person.

 

If she says no, then you have to do the better thing for you and say it's over.

 

At that point, she is the dumpee, you are the dumper. You go NC for awhile. Heal. Maybe ask her back if you feel better?

 

I would say that if she still has feelings for you and hasn't completely detached from the relationship, it may be a hard lesson for her in what she wants. However, you must be willing to let her go completely and face the risk she will never come back. But, you are facing that risk anyway.

 

At least this way, you have put your needs and expectations out in the open. You will have tried.

Edited April 15, 2014 by elseaacych

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, no. When you are in a loving relationship you do not play games. That only comes when you are reaching the pre-breakup stage. Both sides are guilty of this behavior. (I know from experience.)

 

But you are in limbo as well. Which is why you are here asking what you should do. You are getting to the dangerous point of ambivalency, where you let the other person steer because you don't know what to do. It is is a step away from losing control, respect, and your relationship

 

Look, if you want to reclaim some control, I would come out and establish some boundaries. Say "look, it's not fair to either of us that you are not sure about what you want. I want to (insert what you want here). If we are to (what you want), we must (do x,yz). Would you be willing to do that with me?"

 

If she says she doesn't know, say that it's not fair to either of you that you don't know, then reiterate the benefits of saying yes. (Lots of work, but fun work. You love her. You think you can work together. It's part of being in a relationship. We will be stronger if you genuinely want to work with me on this.)

 

If she says yes, you better be ready to work on what you can do to improve the relationship and hold her accountable for her part. This will be a lot of work. But it can be fun work, remember, you love this person.

 

If she says no, then you have to do the better thing for you and say it's over.

 

At that point, she is the dumpee, you are the dumper. You go NC for awhile. Heal. Maybe ask her back if you feel better?

 

I would say that if she still has feelings for you and hasn't completely detached from the relationship, it may be a hard lesson for her in what she wants. However, you must be willing to let her go completely and face the risk she will never come back. But, you are facing that risk anyway.

 

At least this way, you have put your needs and expectations out in the open. You will have tried.

 

He's made it clear that he wants her back. More conversation about it would just muddle everything. He shouldn't do anything that you said unless she comes to him discussing all of these things. Having this conversation because she is using his cousin to relay unclear smoke signals is not the way to go.

 

He needs to charge forward. The last thing he needs to do is initiate any conversations about a relationship that has died.

[spicelover]

Thanks elseaacych.. yes, I think she knows how I feel now I just have to wait and see if her mind clears and she sorts her issues out.

 

Time is the only medicine. I think it will help me heal (although daily I feel worse I hope that changes soon as I'm really trying to keep my mind occupied), and maybe she'll see what she's missing out on and get some time to think things through clearer alone.

 

If she does reach out to me, and want to actually talk about "us", then I'll definitely go down your line of discussion. I want to be open and honest with her and definitely won't grovel, but put what I need on the table and if it matches what she needs we'll take it from there.

 

This is all IF I hear from her again anyway ha... there's always the chance she'll move on which is what my mind is telling me. She's very very strong-willed, and very independent.

[spicelover]

OMG she just turned up to my work again.. just thought she'd "pop in" to say hello. I had a meeting and said I couldn't really talk.

 

She sent me a text asking if she could come over next weekend to pick the rest of her things up. I haven't responded yet. I guess that's a NC exception.

 

I didn't have the heart to say stop coming in. But it's really upset me again.

[Simon Phoenix]

OMG she just turned up to my work again.. just thought she'd "pop in" to say hello. I had a meeting and said I couldn't really talk.

 

She sent me a text asking if she could come over next weekend to pick the rest of her things up. I haven't responded yet. I guess that's a NC exception.

 

I didn't have the heart to say stop coming in. But it's really upset me again.

 

Yeah, she's being pretty disrespectful right now. You might have to tell her to back off and to stop visiting you at work -- she can't just hop in and out of your life at her convenience when she chooses.

[spicelover]

Yeah, she's being pretty disrespectful right now. You might have to tell her to back off and to stop visiting you at work -- she can't just hop in and out of your life at her convenience when she chooses.

 

Every time I hear from her it just sets me right back. She then strolled past a friend of mine outside and told her that "yeah spicelover and I are getting along really well right now, hopefully once we're out of all of this we'll be great friends". arrgghhh..

 

I just replied to her text about getting her stuff and said "No problem. Have a good break". And left it at that.

[Simon Phoenix]

Every time I hear from her it just sets me right back. She then strolled past a friend of mine outside and told her that "yeah spicelover and I are getting along really well right now, hopefully once we're out of all of this we'll be great friends". arrgghhh..

 

I just replied to her text about getting her stuff and said "No problem. Have a good break". And left it at that.

 

You should have just responded "yes". The "have a good break" stuff just encourages her to further try to be your buddy.

[spicelover]

Yeah... I got one back "Thanks toots".... toots??? I'm actually starting to get very angry about it all.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah... I got one back "Thanks toots".... toots??? I'm actually starting to get very angry about it all.

 

Yeah, it's time for you to stop enabling this behavior. I'm not advising you to be angry or yell at her, but if she continues this buddy-buddy stuff, tell her matter-of-factly that it's not a good idea to be in touch and that you need time to get settled with the new reality. If you want, tell her that it's inappropriate of her to drop by your work, because quite frankly, that is a bunch of crap. That'd piss me off.

 

Do not ask for her back, do not indulge in any further conversation, but tell her straight out that you can't talk to her right now and that you'd appreciate it if she'd leave you alone until further notice. If you want to say that it's nothing personal go ahead and say that it's something you have to do for your own well-being. State your piece and bounce -- don't have an elongated conversation about it. And block her on your phone, in social networking, whatever. It's time for you to get your head straight and its time for her to face the full ramifications of her decision. She can't break up with you romantically and have you as a friend/safety blanket socially. Decisions have consequences; it's time for her to deal with them instead of having her cake and eating it too.

[spicelover]

... tonight she texted me a random message again about a sale I'd like.

 

So I'm finally writing to her to ask her to leave me alone. I don't want to ruin all hope down in the future, but how do I go about asking her to leave me alone without sounding mean or petty? I was thinking something like:

 

"You know how I felt. You made it clear that you wanted distance so you could work on yourself. Now I'm asking that you do the same for me so I can move on with my life. Can you please not turn up to my work or contact me anymore, unless it is regarding the 'house stuff'? I need to be alone now. Thanks."

 

I don't want to close the door on her, but it's hurting so bad. Is that a decent message to send?

[Simon Phoenix]

... tonight she texted me a random message again about a sale I'd like.

 

So I'm finally writing to her to ask her to leave me alone. I don't want to ruin all hope down in the future, but how do I go about asking her to leave me alone without sounding mean or petty? I was thinking something like:

 

"You know how I felt. You made it clear that you wanted distance so you could work on yourself. Now I'm asking that you do the same for me so I can move on with my life. Can you please not turn up to my work or contact me anymore, unless it is regarding the 'house stuff'? I need to be alone now. Thanks."

 

I don't want to close the door on her, but it's hurting so bad. Is that a decent message to send?

 

First of all, never worry about sounding mean or petty. These are your feelings that you are trying to protect -- stop worrying about cowtowing to her. I would either a) just ignore that particular message and say nothing and keep doing that for every other message you get or b) Just simply say "I think it's better if we stop talking to each other for a while. I need time to sort out my feelings and talking to you does not allow me to do that. I think it's best that we take the distance that you suggested. I will let you know when I'm ready to talk to you again, but please respect my wishes and give me space to sort out my feelings. That means not messaging me and not showing up at my office. Thank you."

 

I wouldn't send that note just yet -- I'd just ignore all message that don't have to do with your house stuff. Heck, I would bag up whatever stuff she has and deliver it to her house when she isn't there, or leave it with a friend or relative of hers. There's no need for you to be present during that.

 

But before you send any "cease and desist" text or email, why not just practice not responding first and hope she figures it out? From what I can tell, you haven't exactly held your ground here.

[spicelover]

Thanks Simon I really appreciate you talking to me about this Ok good idea. I'd like to send that message to tell her to leave me alone, so maybe on the weekend she'd a) actually leave me alone, and b) have some time with her family to mull it over and feel some reality about our situation.

 

But you're probably right. I'll just be me (who in reality would never turn someone away from saying hello no matter what they did), but I'll also ignore her texts and emails so I am not playing her games.

 

It's so hard. I know people say stuff like "she's the one who stood on your heart and doesn't care about you etc etc"... but I know she's going through some really tough times and isn't handling things too well. Lesson learned but... there were a lot of warning signs looking back, I just shouldn't listen to words so much and take more note of actions/reactions

[mangetout]

Spicelover my ex and I are getting back together after being apart for five months.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was the one who left and I turned pathetic. I was begging and pleading, for months on end. He said he loved me but couldn't be with me because he couldn't make me happy. I tried very hard to go NC but I managed 11 days at the most. I would always break it and send him a text asking again if he still wanted this BU. He stuck to his guns.

But three weeks ago I changed my tune and acted that I was moving on. I hardly text him and if we did speak I was very friendly but short with my messages. I told him bluntly that I cannt be friends with exes.

 

 

And that's when he changed his mind. We are meeting this Monday for the first time in two months.

You ex is definitely harbouring a lot of feelings for you. The signs are clearly obvious.

You will have a better chance if she starts missing you..which means YOU disappear out of her life.

I would give the appearance that you are moving on and give her the space she needs to sort her head out. She needs to accept the situation with your ex wife (Why is she so insecure about this anyway?), otherwise a future reconciialtion will never work.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks Simon I really appreciate you talking to me about this Ok good idea. I'd like to send that message to tell her to leave me alone, so maybe on the weekend she'd a) actually leave me alone, and b) have some time with her family to mull it over and feel some reality about our situation.

 

But you're probably right. I'll just be me (who in reality would never turn someone away from saying hello no matter what they did), but I'll also ignore her texts and emails so I am not playing her games.

 

It's so hard. I know people say stuff like "she's the one who stood on your heart and doesn't care about you etc etc"... but I know she's going through some really tough times and isn't handling things too well. Lesson learned but... there were a lot of warning signs looking back, I just shouldn't listen to words so much and take more note of actions/reactions

 

She isn't handling it well, but it's not your job to be there to comfort her. That's her consequence for cutting you loose. She isn't handling it well, but this is an action she chose. To be honest, it's tough s--t for her. And being a nice guy does not mean being a pushover. You can be nice without being someone who gets exploited and taken advantage of. But yeah, it's time for you to go silent.

[spicelover]

Thank you guys. Mangetout that's great news for you so a story where it seems NC works

 

I'm just going to choose the path where I don't write back now I guess. It's not being rude as she hasn't actually asked me anything so I can ignore and it's not so bad.

 

Maybe a weekend with her family will clear her mind for her. I'll just stick to being alone until I hear her asking about us rather than trivial stuff.

[David87]

NC is a long journey my friend and it always works if you do it correctly.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you guys. Mangetout that's great news for you so a story where it seems NC works

 

I'm just going to choose the path where I don't write back now I guess. It's not being rude as she hasn't actually asked me anything so I can ignore and it's not so bad.

 

Maybe a weekend with her family will clear her mind for her. I'll just stick to being alone until I hear her asking about us rather than trivial stuff.

 

Don't put any expectations on her clearing her mind. Your job is to move forward and get your head straight, not to wonder what she might or might not be thinking. You move forward, and she has to run to catch up with where you are at. But yeah, no more answering texts.

[mangetout]

Thank you guys. Mangetout that's great news for you so a story where it seems NC works

 

I'm just going to choose the path where I don't write back now I guess. It's not being rude as she hasn't actually asked me anything so I can ignore and it's not so bad.

 

Maybe a weekend with her family will clear her mind for her. I'll just stick to being alone until I hear her asking about us rather than trivial stuff.

the message you wrote to her about being friends is enough at this stage. Many posters say go NC for yourself. That's what I did. I stopped obsessing about him. Stopped thinking that he doesn't love me anymore. I was sooooo tired of feeling the way I was feeling. I had to accept the BU and I had to change my though process because I was causing the pain to myself!

 

 

She will come running believe me.But like I said, do NC immediately. Act like you have moved on and she will start pining for you. She clearly loves you but doesn't like the ex wife situation. But that's something she needs to sort out in her own space quietly, without you there. I think she will start thinking very differently about the situation when she has the space.

 

 

Give her the space...she will come back.

 

 

in the meantime my ex and I are discussing on how we can improve our new relationship to make it stronger. But we needed to separate for a while to get to this place.

[johnson_j]

I'm having the same problem too. Ex and I have been BU since Jan, she asked for space so I went NC. Just a week later the breadcrumbs started and we were pretty much talking and spending time together in under a month. But I can see that she hasn't really resolved her issues, so back to NC it is for me.

 

 

The last time I went NC on an ex she was back in my arms in under 2 months.

[barefoot99]

NC is a long journey my friend and it always works if you do it correctly.

 

works in what way? bringing them back or you moving on?

 

my ex blocked me 2 weeks ago and i haven't contacted him since the day after he blocked me. it's really hard, etc blahblahblah.. but i'm adamant on not contacting him again. deep down i'm scared i'll never hear from him again though. perhaps nc will help me move on and let go of these feelings.. but what if i never do? what if he is/was the one?

[Lifegoezon]

The last time I went NC on an ex she was back in my arms in under 2 months.

 

Which means that relationship subsequently still failed. Yes? What's the point of 'getting them back' just to go through another breakup with the same person? Isn't it better to let them go and find someone who's a better fit?