Simon Phoenix Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 I mean, your approach of not initiating contact and responding could work if you were healed, but honestly dude, at this stage you are playing with fire. Not only that, but you are jumping into a fire pit after taking a bath in kerosene. I know you want to buck the "NC" thing out of some sort of misplaced defiance, but this ain't going to end well for you at this rate. And yes, the fact that she can stroll into your office unaffected and have a hunky-dory conversation is not good for your chances of reconciliation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spicelover Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 I wouldn't say honkey dorey... She was definitely not her usual self.. she can act confident and I could see that it was an act. When we went for a coffee she was very nervous. Meh... I deserve better. She's obviously going through a lot of up and down right now. She's trying to get control in any way she can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 I mean, your approach of not initiating contact and responding could work if you were healed, but honestly dude, at this stage you are playing with fire. Not only that, but you are jumping into a fire pit after taking a bath in kerosene. I know you want to buck the "NC" thing out of some sort of misplaced defiance, but this ain't going to end well for you at this rate. And yes, the fact that she can stroll into your office unaffected and have a hunky-dory conversation is not good for your chances of reconciliation. Exactly. Because she doesn't have that feeling of "oh crap, I may have lost him or screwed up" feeling if she thinks all is well between you too. You're buddies now, right!? That's what she's thinking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spicelover Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 Exactly. Because she doesn't have that feeling of "oh crap, I may have lost him or screwed up" feeling if she thinks all is well between you too. You're buddies now, right!? That's what she's thinking. Kinda.... it's after midnight here right now. I just received a bunch of emails from her telling me how impressed she was with how happy I seemed and how things have progressed in my life. I don't know if I'm a good actor, but maybe today I came across very happy... I didn't ask for her to come back or seem needy at all. In fact, my story that I told her gave her goose bumps apparently. So in her last email she said she would be open to more catch ups. I just left it open and didn't ask for anything. No matter what happens, I'm not going to leave this thread in limbo like many people do. Whether I end up with this girl, or marry someone else..... I'll keep you posted. No expectations from me on what will happen.. But at least I can weigh things up either way if she does decide she's made a mistake. I'm feeling good about myself most of the time at the moment. Walking and music are my friends for now, along with killer gym sessions where I can barely walk when I leave. Life is too short to miss out on smiling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kitchen Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Kinda.... it's after midnight here right now. I just received a bunch of emails from her telling me how impressed she was with how happy I seemed and how things have progressed in my life. I don't know if I'm a good actor, but maybe today I came across very happy... I didn't ask for her to come back or seem needy at all. In fact, my story that I told her gave her goose bumps apparently. Dude this is GOLD! This would certainly help me get over a girl faster, the fact that she is still into me. Don't give her anything back in response. If you are hurting bad, stick to NC. If you are not hurting, then respond, act cool, but don't invest anything in her. Expect nothing from her. Take advantage of the fact that she's regretting her choice. But I repeat, do NOT put yourself in a position where you say something/do something that gets you emotionally invested. I think you are still hurting, so go NC. Unless she goes above and beyond and really puts herself out there showing that she wants you back, you give her nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 (edited) I wouldn't say honkey dorey... She was definitely not her usual self.. she can act confident and I could see that it was an act. When we went for a coffee she was very nervous. Meh... I deserve better. She's obviously going through a lot of up and down right now. She's trying to get control in any way she can. Overanalyzing everything does nothing but put you in a bad spot. Leave her be, even if she initiates, and get your bearings. Edited April 9, 2014 by Simon Phoenix Link to post Share on other sites
Author spicelover Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Dude this is GOLD! This would certainly help me get over a girl faster, the fact that she is still into me. Don't give her anything back in response. If you are hurting bad, stick to NC. If you are not hurting, then respond, act cool, but don't invest anything in her. Expect nothing from her. Take advantage of the fact that she's regretting her choice. But I repeat, do NOT put yourself in a position where you say something/do something that gets you emotionally invested. I think you are still hurting, so go NC. Unless she goes above and beyond and really puts herself out there showing that she wants you back, you give her nothing. Yeah I know right? So I will say yep - I'm hurting real bad. BUT, I'm just replying but not taking any bait. I'm not initiating any contact, but will reply in short happy tones. I'll see what happens. It's really strange. I probably won't hear from her for another week now so she'll go back to being cold. I'm prepared for that though. Trying not to think about what it means. But obviously definitely made an impression yesterday. I think the big mistake would have been if I'd jumped all over her then like a big puppy dog smothering her. Just keeping cool like Fonzie Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Yeah I know right? So I will say yep - I'm hurting real bad. BUT, I'm just replying but not taking any bait. I'm not initiating any contact, but will reply in short happy tones. I'll see what happens. It's really strange. I probably won't hear from her for another week now so she'll go back to being cold. I'm prepared for that though. Trying not to think about what it means. But obviously definitely made an impression yesterday. I think the big mistake would have been if I'd jumped all over her then like a big puppy dog smothering her. Just keeping cool like Fonzie But, you are taking the bait. Hook, line, and sinker. You're playing it cool and allowing yourself to continue along her path of hot and cold for another round; already braced yourself for it even. Because, you think what is going on means something and that the something is her coming back to you. You're playing both sides of the sword in an effort to delude yourself. You play it cool like the Fonz and don't bring up the RS or feelings because you already know how she will respond from past behavior. Your fantasy will be shattered and you will have to face the truth that you do not want to, but so long as you play the "its cool" buddy you can read into every action in your favor. The hope is still there, and I do understand that part. Reason with yourself, someone who wants you back isn't going to go running away from your feelings they are going to embrace them. Yet, you seem to think it is just a matter of you pulling the right strings and I gotta tell you, I think that if that is what it takes then the connection has become superficial. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Yep, trying to play it cool when you actually aren't feeling "cool" is a express train to angst and heartbreak. It sounds like you are trying to project an image to manipulate a result, but what happens when she discovers your true motivations and feelings? Nothing good. You are better off taking a real break and getting your s--t together than this con and hustle you are trying to run. Odds of you coming out better on the other side aren't great. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spicelover Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 You guys are right. I thought I was feeling good but as the day goes on I'm feeling worse and getting that shakey sick feeling again Not cool... she's probably just going about her day having a great old time knowing I'm right where she wants me. I have to go back to remembering until I hear the words "I love you let's try again" or something similar, then game over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 You guys are right. I thought I was feeling good but as the day goes on I'm feeling worse and getting that shakey sick feeling again Not cool... she's probably just going about her day having a great old time knowing I'm right where she wants me. I have to go back to remembering until I hear the words "I love you let's try again" or something similar, then game over. You got a contact high, which is why you were feeling good, but like with any other "highs", once they wear off the lows tend to suck even more. You are a drug addict right now, thinking that "one more hit" is all you need. But it doesn't work that way. You need to go cold turkey. I know you are trying to reinvent the wheel here, but the wheel tends to be a pretty effective mode of transportation. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 You guys are right. I thought I was feeling good but as the day goes on I'm feeling worse and getting that shakey sick feeling again Not cool... she's probably just going about her day having a great old time knowing I'm right where she wants me. I have to go back to remembering until I hear the words "I love you let's try again" or something similar, then game over. Get a dog. They won't say "I love you" but they'll let you know it every time you come home. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spicelover Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 So she's sent me a couple more texts saying I'm free to go out and "pick up".. and she does feel, but for now needs to focus on herself. She "still feels", but needs to focus on herself for now. I'm sticking with NC. It's so hard. I think the "go out and pick up" recurring thing is her guilt and if I were to do that she'd feel better about herself and justified. Oh well... she'll never know what I get up to now. Heart beating out of chest, but going to be fine soon enough. Link to post Share on other sites
DontBreakEven Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Yes, I pursued my ex with light contact last year and got her back. In fact, I got her back being more into the relationship than ever! Talking kids, marriage, she moved in with me, we got a dog ... then when I finally gave her a ring she suddenly abandoned me again. Hmmmmm. Oh yeah I was sure still loved me. I am sure she still does. I know for a fact she checks my social media to see what I'm up to. It would probably make her puke if she found out I was dating someone else. So what? Having a life partner is about having a partner, not someone who could EVER have it in them to leave you high and dry at a moment's notice, or EVER have it in them to act cold towards you when you are contacting them about something personal. As much as it kills me to say it - it doesn't matter that my ex and I still love each other, and probably always will to some extent. It doesn't matter that we cannot be in the same room together without the crazy urge to just want to go home and fall into each other's arms. Sometimes love isn't enough. There are so many other factors that go into a life partnership. Love is simply one of them. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I wish love were enough, DBE. I hope you find a life partner who's as amazing as you are someday. spicelover, NC is hard. But keep at it. You'll feel better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SCJACK Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I wish love were enough, DBE. I hope you find a life partner who's as amazing as you are someday. spicelover, NC is hard. But keep at it. You'll feel better. Yup.. I wish love was enough too.. why can't we just be with the ones we love.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spicelover Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 Yes, I pursued my ex with light contact last year and got her back. In fact, I got her back being more into the relationship than ever! Talking kids, marriage, she moved in with me, we got a dog ... then when I finally gave her a ring she suddenly abandoned me again. Hmmmmm. Oh yeah I was sure still loved me. I am sure she still does. I know for a fact she checks my social media to see what I'm up to. It would probably make her puke if she found out I was dating someone else. So what? Having a life partner is about having a partner, not someone who could EVER have it in them to leave you high and dry at a moment's notice, or EVER have it in them to act cold towards you when you are contacting them about something personal. As much as it kills me to say it - it doesn't matter that my ex and I still love each other, and probably always will to some extent. It doesn't matter that we cannot be in the same room together without the crazy urge to just want to go home and fall into each other's arms. Sometimes love isn't enough. There are so many other factors that go into a life partnership. Love is simply one of them. Thanks for sharing DBE... it's a horrible feeling that's for sure. I know she's struggling. She said in on of her messages she cries a lot, and laughs a lot thinking about our memories. I know she does love me. I love her. But yeah... sometimes that's never enough. Deep breaths... Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I got mine back too after our initial break up. Then proceeded to spend 2 years going on/off with him, walking on eggshells so he wouldn't leave again, letting him string me along, letting him walk all over me, ignoring all the red flags, basically being his punching bag. And he STILL abandoned me again in the end. He did come back a few weeks ago wanting to take me on a trip as an early birthday present but I could see that nothing had changed. I know he loves me and misses me but he will never change. He would continue to string me along for as long as I'd let him. It hurts, and it sucks, and I'm in pain..but ultimately it's for the best. Like you said..sometimes love isn't enough. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I made a promise that I would never sacrifice my emotional well being again for my ex or anyone. I sacrificed so much of myself the last year of our relationship. I became a shell, and I'm only just now figuring out who I am again. NC is so essential that journey. I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to stick with NC and work through the urges to contact. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Yes, I pursued my ex with light contact last year and got her back. In fact, I got her back being more into the relationship than ever! Talking kids, marriage, she moved in with me, we got a dog ... then when I finally gave her a ring she suddenly abandoned me again. Hmmmmm. Ugh. Sounds familiar. I don't trust these types of people. My ex was a real winner also. He talked a lot of noise about getting married and bought me a ring. Two months later, he's not sure anymore. 10 months later, he ends it. I'm glad to be off the merry go round. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spicelover Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 Worst feeling ever last night. She came into the same bar I was at. She knows I love it there but in don't think deliberate because she was with a bunch of work friends. It really affected me so I left. Oh man. I wish I lived in another city Link to post Share on other sites
Smurf03 Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I know a handful of people who got back together and are very happy. In each and every one of those cases, they reconciled after 6 months AT LEAST and after NC. I too are dealing with the LC vs NC battle. But at the end of the day you need to trust that if they want you back, they'll ask. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spicelover Posted April 15, 2014 Author Share Posted April 15, 2014 I know a handful of people who got back together and are very happy. In each and every one of those cases, they reconciled after 6 months AT LEAST and after NC. I too are dealing with the LC vs NC battle. But at the end of the day you need to trust that if they want you back, they'll ask. Hey Smurf, I agree and that's exactly what I think every time I think how good it would be to hear her voice. I'm actually starting to get into a new phase where I'm starting to remember the bad stuff as well as the good. She had a lot of insecurities which led to a lot of tension which always left me feeling on edge. Every time you think about contacting just remember - if they love you, then they damn well need to show you and contact you first. I believe after you've put it all on the table, and know your position, then the ball is in their court. Then you can rest knowing you did everything without going into crazy mode and nagging (which let's face it nobody wants to be nagged). My ex ran into my cousin on the weekend and they had a nice little catch-up apparently. My cousin called to tell me that my ex said we were "on a break" to sort a few things out separately and we'll see where things are at once the dust has settled, and we are both in a good space. Hmmmm... Anyway, not contacting her and sweating and being disappointed over no reply, or blunt answers has been great. Spice Link to post Share on other sites
sheilaxy Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Hi guys. I have a quick question and Im kind of feeling wierd about it. I was wondering what kind of impression this text will give you if you recieve it from an ex who u two are lightly talking again ( more like getting back on good term and friendly again not to close yet) "I was talking to this girl today and something crossed my mind. Hoping the pollution is not bothering you if you know what I mean. Try to stay indoors during traffic time. Just a thought" would this message be to much and pathetic of her or it shows she truly cares? p.s the reciever has heart conditions and right now he is in a very populated well know crowded city. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Hey Smurf, I agree and that's exactly what I think every time I think how good it would be to hear her voice. I'm actually starting to get into a new phase where I'm starting to remember the bad stuff as well as the good. She had a lot of insecurities which led to a lot of tension which always left me feeling on edge. Every time you think about contacting just remember - if they love you, then they damn well need to show you and contact you first. I believe after you've put it all on the table, and know your position, then the ball is in their court. Then you can rest knowing you did everything without going into crazy mode and nagging (which let's face it nobody wants to be nagged). My ex ran into my cousin on the weekend and they had a nice little catch-up apparently. My cousin called to tell me that my ex said we were "on a break" to sort a few things out separately and we'll see where things are at once the dust has settled, and we are both in a good space. Hmmmm... Anyway, not contacting her and sweating and being disappointed over no reply, or blunt answers has been great. Spice I would really have your friends and relatives stop giving you reports on her. Really nothing good comes of that. Link to post Share on other sites
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