Devastated

[Intheclouds]

I wouldn't say "slightly"

 

Why are you stunned? You cheated on her while she was pregnant. You deserve no sympathy and very little respect.

 

You two will probably end up with joint custody of the child. AP might very well be a part of your child's life. The child might as well get to know him.

 

So?

 

See a lawyer, find out what rights you have

 

An exit affair is quite likely. She has probably wanted to get out since you cheated on her while she was pregnant with your child

 

Are you sure the child is yours btw? Any possibility of an affair you don't know about?

 

You should see a lawyer

 

You are right with a lot of what you say. Do I deserve to suffer for what I did? Absolutely. Did the guilt eat me up once the fog lifted? Absolutely. Has she been waiting to do this since my affair? Probably. Do two wrongs make a right? Is it really an eye for an eye?

 

Life isn't black & white, we all know that, it's shades of grey. No two people are the same, we know this also and everybody has an OPINION.

 

It is my opinion that my ex has/is making me pay in the worst possible way for events that occured several years previously. It is my opinion that she has crossed the line with her actions. Not only has she had an affair she is attempting to portray me as a monster to further her own ends.

 

Therefore, it is my opinion that I can look myself in the mirror and say 'you have done wrong, yes, but do you deserve this?' No. Others may disagree, I can only say it like it is.

[Intheclouds]

This is what I was asking and do not seem to be getting any kind of response on. I am from the UK and am aware of the judicial system here and cannot understand how this came to be. I have posted twice here and have had no response.

 

Did your wife accuse you of violence that did not take place ? That is perjury in court. If this is the case, this (while it may seem common practice for wives who are trying to kick their husbands out of the house) is a major issue and should be contested in court. What exactly did she say ?

 

If this is not the case, then what the h3ll happened ?

 

She has not accused me of violence because that simply has not happened. She has accused me of 'emotional abuse' (her words) citing arguments that occured between us post my affair. As I have previously stated, I could have fought my case and even provided a catalogue of physical violence that my ex has perpetrated on me but I felt it wasnt a battle worth winning. By submitting an undertaking, it is not an admission of guilt - although it is hard not to think that at the moment - it is a promise to abide by a court order.

 

You have to question why it has taken my ex this long to report my so called abusive behaviour, I dont think I need to spell out the answer for anyone.

[lolablue17]

I still dont understand what is the connection between what you say when you argue, and the fact that you have to leave.

 

Me and my wife love each other and are in a very good relationship, but we never manage to agree even about simple facts like "what she or i said 5 minutes ago". she claim i said something ealier, i say i didnt ect... that stuff happen every day to everyone. how can that be a claim in court?

 

You might be the worst spouse in the world, but you still have rights, and as long as you are not violent or threatening her or your daughter, or some kind of dangerous to them, you must be allowed to stay at your house WITH YOUR DAUGHTER LIVING THERE. this is basic!

 

maybe you should consider a different lawyer

Edited February 27, 2014 by lolablue17

[Intheclouds]

I still dont understand what is the connection between what you say when you argue, and the fact that you have to leave.

 

You might be the worst spouse in the world, but you still have rights, and as long as you are not violent or threatening her or your daughter, or some kind of dangerous to them, you must be allowed to stay at your house WITH YOUR DAUGHTER LIVING THERE. this is basic!

 

maybe you should consider a different lawyer

 

My apologies, I should have clarified the legalities. She served me with a non-molestation & occupation order for the home. (UK law) I was advised that it could be expensive to defend & obviously, there is no guarantee of winning. It is galling that these orders can be granted with virtually no evidence but I appreciate there are genuine cases out there were it is necessary to take the abused spouse word.

 

I still retain rights to the home. That is a separate issue. I felt the best course of action would be to concentrate my resources on gaining joint custody for my child. The fact that my ex has alleged abuse will have no bearing on that as her statement has not been tested in court.

[Intheclouds]

Oh and whilst she mentioned recent events - the relationship breakdown - funnily enough, there is no mention of her affair in her statement. I wonder why :-)

[Darren Steez]

This is TOTALLY unfair, cruel and unacceptable. NO other man should be around your daughter! Especially now. Your wife is in a total fog and is selfish.

 

Honestly, I'd put your foot down. Move back home and tell her she can do as she pleases outside of the house and your daughter is NOT to be around OM coworker anymore. Your poor kid, her folks not together and mommy is bringing home some guy. Sickening and selfish!!

 

Get a lawyer, document everything that has happened. Move back home and again, if your wife wants to leave, let her but your kid stays with you.

 

Woah. Totally cruel and selfish? I thought OP had an affair which only ended when his AP ended it and he was still moping around for two years?

 

I agree she should leave the child out of it. Best for all to make an amicable split and enjoy their lives. They both clearly do not care for each other.

[Intheclouds]

Yeah, I was an ar5e, not going to deny it and I do deserve some form of retribution, but I honestly believed we had moved on. How wrong I was. As you say, it is best to move on now, gone too far for it to be amicable though.

[lolablue17]

Oh and whilst she mentioned recent events - the relationship breakdown - funnily enough, there is no mention of her affair in her statement. I wonder why :-)

 

I dont know... In my country a wife can not kick her husband out of their home for any reason in the world, unless he's considered as a risk (violence, ect...)

 

It doesnt matter if she suffers, hates him, or her life is a nightmare. The court never try to judge between them, because the court assumes in advance that in a marriage conflict, or divorce process, a spouse will say anything about the other spouse. the court doesn't want to hear their mutual "dirt".

 

She says she feels abused, but how can the court know maybe she is the one who abuses you, or perhaps its a mutual abusing. it is so subjective.

 

If the wife feels so abused, she can leave herself. thats what the court in my country would tell her. "you can not kick a man out of his home, no matter what you think of him. he has rights". (of course again, unless he his considered as a risk, violent, ect...)

Edited February 27, 2014 by lolablue17

[waterwoman]

Yeah, I was an ar5e, not going to deny it and I do deserve some form of retribution, but I honestly believed we had moved on. How wrong I was. As you say, it is best to move on now, gone too far for it to be amicable though.

 

Hi intheclouds. I am sorry for what you are going through.

 

Re retribution, I am not sure that is what she is doing. She might also have honestly beleived you had moved on. She might also have beleived that it was all behind you. But self-esteem and trust take a huge battering during an affair, even in my case when H stopped it unequivically after dday and there wasn't 18m of dithering and 2 yrs of fog (that must have been agonising for her). It might well be that a man appeared who made her feel number 1, who was prepared to adore the ground she walked on.... and I will be honest with you it would be very appealing to me and it probably was to her. And then everything she was suppressing, all the pain and resentment she was trying to swallow down (especially when she was probably afraid if she didn't play nice you might just change your mind and leave again) came bubbling up. I don't suppose she is trying to punish you per se but the fact that you damaged her so much is making it easier for her to feel little remorse.

 

There is no excuse of course for being so callous and messing about with your relationship with your child. Good luck x

[Oberfeldwebel]

Don't let emotion guide you, buying a house is a financial arrangement. It only becomes a home, when you and your family live there. You know your relationship with her is over, so the property is back to a financial transaction. What is the value of the home? What do you owe on the house? If you owe more that it is worth and she is willing to buy it, then why not let her have it then. It's not personal.....it's strictly business.

 

The custody of your daughter is a separate issue, though the chances of you getting anything more than 50/50 is slim to none. If she wants the house, that would be a good bargaining tool. It is unfortunate that she has chosen to lie to get back at you. As the playwright William Congreve said "heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned". However, I firmly believe that one day the Karma bus will run her fanny over as well.

 

Take some time and look at this relationship and how you could have done better and learn from this painful lesson. Get as much time with your daughter as possible and make that time as fun as you can for both of you. It will be your best investment in life.

[waterwoman]

Yeah, I was an ar5e, not going to deny it and I do deserve some form of retribution, but I honestly believed we had moved on. How wrong I was. As you say, it is best to move on now, gone too far for it to be amicable though.

 

Hi intheclouds. I am sorry for what you are going through.

 

Re retribution, I am not sure that is what she is doing. She might also have honestly beleived you had moved on. She might also have beleived that it was all behind you. But self-esteem and trust take a huge battering during an affair, even in my case when H stopped it unequivically after dday and there wasn't 18m of dithering and 2 yrs of fog (that must have been agonising for her). It might well be that a man appeared who made her feel number 1, who was prepared to adore the ground she walked on.... and I will be honest with you it would be very appealing to me and it probably was to her. And then everything she was suppressing, all the pain and resentment she was trying to swallow down (especially when she was probably afraid if she didn't play nice you might just change your mind and leave again) came bubbling up. I don't suppose she is trying to punish you per se but the fact that you damaged her so much is making it easier for her to feel little remorse.

 

There is no excuse of course for being so callous and messing about with your relationship with your child. Good luck x

[Intheclouds]

Don't let emotion guide you, buying a house is a financial arrangement. It only becomes a home, when you and your family live there. You know your relationship with her is over, so the property is back to a financial transaction. What is the value of the home? What do you owe on the house? If you owe more that it is worth and she is willing to buy it, then why not let her have it then. It's not personal.....it's strictly business.

 

The custody of your daughter is a separate issue, though the chances of you getting anything more than 50/50 is slim to none. If she wants the house, that would be a good bargaining tool. It is unfortunate that she has chosen to lie to get back at you. As the playwright William Congreve said "heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned". However, I firmly believe that one day the Karma bus will run her fanny over as well.

 

Take some time and look at this relationship and how you could have done better and learn from this painful lesson. Get as much time with your daughter as possible and make that time as fun as you can for both of you. It will be your best investment in life.

 

Excellent post. It pretty much sums it all up.

[Intheclouds]

Hi intheclouds. I am sorry for what you are going through.

 

Re retribution, I am not sure that is what she is doing. She might also have honestly beleived you had moved on. She might also have beleived that it was all behind you. But self-esteem and trust take a huge battering during an affair, even in my case when H stopped it unequivically after dday and there wasn't 18m of dithering and 2 yrs of fog (that must have been agonising for her). It might well be that a man appeared who made her feel number 1, who was prepared to adore the ground she walked on.... and I will be honest with you it would be very appealing to me and it probably was to her. And then everything she was suppressing, all the pain and resentment she was trying to swallow down (especially when she was probably afraid if she didn't play nice you might just change your mind and leave again) came bubbling up. I don't suppose she is trying to punish you per se but the fact that you damaged her so much is making it easier for her to feel little remorse.

 

There is no excuse of course for being so callous and messing about with your relationship with your child. Good luck x

 

Again, great post...

[Scott Thomas]

1. Stop being a nice guy.

 

2. Hire a good solicitor and go after your partner.

 

3. Expose the affair: tell your friends, her friends and the people at the office.

 

4. Stop being a nice guy.

[TaraMaiden]

1. Stop being a nice guy.

 

2. Hire a good solicitor and go after your partner.

 

3. Expose the affair: tell your friends, her friends and the people at the office.

 

4. Stop being a nice guy.

,QFT. I particularly like 1 & 4....

[Intheclouds]

,QFT. I particularly like 1 & 4....

 

Yes, 1 & 4 are the way forward, the horse has already bolted but it's solicitors all the way for custody.

[Intheclouds]

Just seen my daughter for an hour after school. The pain now she's gone is almost unbearable.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Intheclouds, head up mate.

 

I know it's tough and what you are going through is pure crap, but remember what was said earlier, get strength from your daughter.

 

She probably needs you more than ever now...

[The Samurai]

Intheclouds, head up mate.

 

I know it's tough and what you are going through is pure crap, but remember what was said earlier, get strength from your daughter.

 

She probably needs you more than ever now...

Exactly..

Only focus on your daughter. She's the only thing that matter now. She needs you, so be strong for her!!

[Intheclouds]

So today is the day. I will be leaving my home probably for the final time. I will not be able to go within 50 meters of it for the next 12 months. This is going to be extremely difficult to stomach when I will be living a mere quarter mile from the home.

 

I will have to constantly remind myself why I accepted this ridiculous situation: My daughter.

 

Thanks all to the comments of support and you are right, my daughter is the most important person in all of this and needs my love & support.

[aliveagain]

You owe your ex nothing, she gave up on you, no more nice guy because you can't nice her back into the relationship, she has a new boyfriend and anything you leave on the table is just going towards her new nest with him. Keep everything you can for you and your daughter, she's his problem now.

[Intheclouds]

Well & truly on the rollercoaster now, very difficult to comprehend all this has happened. I am already tormenting myself about not fighting against her lies in court but I realize it would have been on a point of principal, it would have served no practical purpose.

 

Did anyone who's been through similar scenarios wish they could go to sleep one night, wake up the next morning and it's six months later and everything has been sorted? :-)

[lolablue17]

InTheClouds, did you represent yourself in court or did you have a solicitor/barrister ?

 

Hw said he has a solicitor, but from what's been written here Maybe his solicitor wasn't funcioning so well.

 

The custody is a different issue. I didnt understand why in order to fight 50\50 he has to leave his home while the wife can bring her lover to sleep there. I also didn't understand how on earth a judge can send a husband out of his home without fixing temporary child Visitation Rights.

 

All that process lokk strange to me.

[lolablue17]

I represented myself but received free advice before I went in. I did not have the funds to employ a barrister to defend me & I opted for an undertaking.

However, as you are aluding to, I am so infuriated with her lies that I am seriously considering reviewing the undertaking if it is possible to do so and return to court on a point of principal. There was absolutely no mention of OM in her statement.

 

You can ask for rehearing, claiming that you wasn't represented by an attorney. Go to a consul solicitor (cheaper) or you can go to a good private one and take a loan from the bank for that matter. its better to put few thousand pounds, than to be sorry for the rest of your life.

[Intheclouds]

You can ask for rehearing, claiming that you wasn't represented by an attorney. Go to a consul solicitor (cheaper) or you can go to a good private one and take a loan from the bank for that matter. its better to put few thousand pounds, than to be sorry for the rest of your life.

 

Is it possible to do this under UK law?

 

I aim to utilize my funds to take care of the custody arrangements then concentrate on this. As you say, peace of mind is priceless.

 

I would like her to receive a knock on the door to be served papers advising of a court appearance the following day, before reading through a statement which is a full frontal assualt on your character. Let her see how devastating that feels when someone you loved does this to you.