My wife does not feel the same about me anymore

[oldshirt]

IUO]

 

2) She is having an affair - again, getting all freaked out and worried will do more harm than good. Waiting a little while longer to find out won't make any difference in the long run.

 

.

 

 

Disagree

 

If an office romance can be smashed before it turns physical can often save the marriage. Once the clothes come out and especially if he makes her orgasm it will mean the death of the marriage or at least a whole lot more damage and destruction to work through than if it is caught at the wink and giggle stage.

 

When feelings and attractions are starting to form, the earlier it can be stopped the better.

 

Once it turns physical is often the point of no return. Waiting to find out how physical is just more nails in the coffin.

[2sunny]

That's why I didn't suggest waiting to delve into finding evidence of cheating or no cheating.

 

Waiting gives more opportunity for the one who has cheating on their mind - the time to act on it.

 

Doing nothing is something.

 

 

Gathering evidence for peace of mind helps. If she hasn't had sex with him yet and you uncover more suspicious evidence - there is the chance you could stop the inevitable from happening if you found anything concerning.

 

Why not drop by her office in a few days with lunch for the two of you? It should be a nice surprise for any hard working gal as long as she doesn't need to cover up anything odd happening at her work.

 

Gives you an idea of what she has going on and shows you support her being overworked right now.

[2sunny]

You can read in the infidelity or separation and divorce sections and read if some stories started out much like yours.

 

Educating yourself on the patterns that show when these situations arise may be helpful.

[Brian Smith]

Her plan is to take things slow, start dating again and give us a chance to start enjoying each other's company again without the anger and guilt because she wants us to fall back in love again.

 

She again said that she does not want a divorce and that she really wants the marriage to work. My wife said last night that she has started to miss me and has started having feelings for me again. She has started to show more attention and interest with kissing and cuddling now back on the cards. She does not want to rush things but she says that she has started to believe that everything is going to be ok and is thinking positively about the future. She says that she hasn't felt this way for months.

 

The plan is to carry on as we are without putting pressure on each other and just let things happen naturally. She wants us to start dating as a couple in a few weeks when she will have much more time and that hopefully by then we will be much more comfortable in each other's company. In the meantime when at home together we are eating meals together, talking about our day and we are relaxed and it no longer feels strange to snuggle up together on the sofa (I am waiting for her to come to me not chasing her around the house) She has even suggested sharing a bed again when she returns from her mum's.

 

I haven't put any pressure on her over the last few days to say these things this is all coming from her. We had a clear the air talk on Sunday where we both discussed what we thought had gone wrong. I had said that I thought things were hopeless and maybe she was right we should think about splitting up. She immediately said that that was not what she wanted. Since then she has seemingly changed her attitude towards me - maybe she has started to think about the reality of life apart?

 

In the meantime I'm having a great time with the kids, exercising and have played a bit of golf. I'm quite enjoying doing what I want when I want in the evening without worrying what the other half wants to do.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Her plan is to take things slow, start dating again and give us a chance to start enjoying each other's company again without the anger and guilt because she wants us to fall back in love again.

 

She again said that she does not want a divorce and that she really wants the marriage to work. My wife said last night that she has started to miss me and has started having feelings for me again. She has started to show more attention and interest with kissing and cuddling now back on the cards. She does not want to rush things but she says that she has started to believe that everything is going to be ok and is thinking positively about the future. She says that she hasn't felt this way for months.

 

The plan is to carry on as we are without putting pressure on each other and just let things happen naturally. She wants us to start dating as a couple in a few weeks when she will have much more time and that hopefully by then we will be much more comfortable in each other's company. In the meantime when at home together we are eating meals together, talking about our day and we are relaxed and it no longer feels strange to snuggle up together on the sofa (I am waiting for her to come to me not chasing her around the house) She has even suggested sharing a bed again when she returns from her mum's.

 

I haven't put any pressure on her over the last few days to say these things this is all coming from her. We had a clear the air talk on Sunday where we both discussed what we thought had gone wrong. I had said that I thought things were hopeless and maybe she was right we should think about splitting up. She immediately said that that was not what she wanted. Since then she has seemingly changed her attitude towards me - maybe she has started to think about the reality of life apart?

 

In the meantime I'm having a great time with the kids, exercising and have played a bit of golf. I'm quite enjoying doing what I want when I want in the evening without worrying what the other half wants to do.

 

 

The last paragraph is hopeful, but I read the first four and shake my head in disgust. She is throwing you nothing but platitudes and stringing you along. I'm happy you are enjoying the kids, golf, exercising and time to yourself. But everything is on her timetable.

 

Dating again???? What a bunch of cr@p...... You're married, have a family and a home. Yup go out as a couple, but you are married NOT dating. Wow you may be invited back to the marital bed. Forget cuddling. You want sex, then forget teenage cuddling, holding hands, kisses.... until she wants to do the deed too. You obviously haven't had it for quite a while so I'd say scr%w cuddling.

 

Not trying to be nasty but you are too needy when it comes to her and she is still calling all the shots.

Edited February 27, 2014 by Toodamnpragmatic

[2sunny]

The last paragraph is hopeful, but I read the first four and shake my head in disgust. She is throwing you nothing but platitudes and stringing you along. I'm happy you are enjoying the kids, golf, exercising and time to yourself. But everything is on her timetable.

 

Dating again???? What a bunch of cr@p...... You're married, have a family and a home. Yup go out as a couple, but you are married NOT dating. Wow you may be invited back to the marital bed. Forget cuddling. You want sex, then forget teenage cuddling, holding hands, kisses.... until she wants to do the deed too. You obviously haven't had it for quite a while so I'd say scr%w cuddling.

 

Not trying to be nasty but you are too needy when it comes to her and she is still calling all the shots.

 

Well, what would you expect? He has handed her all the power in the relationship just by being passive.

[VeronicaRoss]

Here's the crux: she says she wants to stay with you but refuses to do anything different to revive the marriage. She's starving your marriage to death. You need to grab the reigns of your life back from her for everyone's sake.

 

In other words, your marriage is a sitting duck for some major event to give her an excuse. You might say or do some fatally wrong thing (have an affair in loneliness, say the wrong thing, etc.) so she can finally blame you and leave. She very well might be waiting for someone who can be with her to come along so she can leave.

 

My advice is to go to an counselor or some other trusted advisor on your own and come up with a plan of action. You need to be able to articulate what she must provide you to keep the marriage together, draw lines and be clear about the consequences of her choices and actions.

 

Right now she's calling all the shots and has full control. That's not a partnership by any stretch of the imagination. Your lack of asserting yourself with her may have lost her respect, even actually be a key reason for why the magic has died. And you're with someone who can't or won't discuss difficult issues with you. In other words, she doesn't sound very able to be a real long-term partner.

 

I know this is painful, sorry this is happening. Quite devastating with kids involved too. Don't beat yourself up over her behavior. If there is something she needs from you, it's her responsibility to let you know.

[Brian Smith]

I Agee I am being too needy still, but I continue to get my head around the situation I feel myself becoming less so. She is calling all the shots and you are right she is having it all her own way at the moment. This is only going to last another two weeks after which she will have no excuse and I will be demanding that she step up to the plate as a mother and as a wife. If she doesn't then I am quite prepared to end the marriage - I feel that I will have done my part and will expect to see a lot more effort on hers.

 

I am acting like I would have if things were normal because usually I would be be more than happy to have the kids to myself for a week or so while she sorted her **** out in work. I love my kids but do find it difficult having them 24/7 without being able to get out and let my hair down with some mates and some beers.

 

I've just returned from her mum's. The kids and I called around so that they could see her and have tea. She was settling down to a mountain of work as we left. She is genuinely working hard but has her priorities very wrong, those kids should come before her job always and sadly that is not the case right now.

[2sunny]

She's trained you to expect very little but put up with that.

 

But you have allowed that to become acceptable.

 

Now that you've come to expect more of her it is important to state very frankly exactly what you expect to change about the way she participates.

 

Either she agrees and changes - or she doesn't and you then understand the family and M aren't her top priority.

[Steadfast]

First off, you're getting good advice here Brian. Listen to Tara. I know it's an internet forum full of strangers, but in reality, we aren't. Speaking personally, I don't have to know you to know where you are. I was there. I lived it and could have written word for word what you're describing. If I told you I know what she's going to say next, would you believe me?

 

You've done a great job of communicating; not making the mistake of typing what you think others want to read. Your reaction -and hers- is typical and predictable. Yours being much more in line with a committed, dedicated spouse. Still, no matter how good the advice, you will not feel comfortable standing up for yourself until you are ready. Divorce is upheaval, but trust me when I say it's better than living in limbo.

 

Someday, you'll look back at this period and realize it was the worst of times. You will realize her 'desire' to stay in limbo is based on her needs and fear. Any gains thus far are the direct result of you taking a stand. She sees this, feels the loss of control, tosses you some breadcrumbs and you soften again. I see it, the group sees it, and you do too. Don't you?

 

Two weeks is nothing. My advice? Refrain from any conversations about the marriage. Do not approach her or attempt to be affectionate. Be calm, be kind, see to your business, see to your kids and leave "it" alone.

 

Why? Because if you're not willing to walk away from this sham of a marriage, it'll never improve. You. Must. Be. Done. With. The Status Quo.

 

No more Brian. This isn't love. It's a living agreement. You can get that with a paying roommate and make some change on the side. Be done.

 

She knows you love her. You've shown her over and over. Let her go. If she comes back with the same kind of passion, you'll have decisions to make.

[Brian Smith]

I had already come to the conclusion that divorce is better than limbo. Obviously I need proof that something really is going on or that she does not want to try - her behaviour is obviously bizarre. I agree that her position seemingly only changes when she feels a loss of control. She has been good at making me believe that she wants to work on things after the end of her project - I am aware that this may just be a control tactic.

 

I left her mum's with the kids early because I felt that she was being a little bit weird. I think that She felt a loss of control tried to get me to stay longer - I wanted to leave on my terms. When I got home I had a text saying how much she'd enjoyed herself (she clearly hadn't) and was looking forward to going out as a family Saturday. I just replied ok. Then 'just ok?', me 'yep , her 'ok I'll take the smiley face! Speak tomorrow! X.

 

Now the x has not featured in an email from the wife since the 24th January - interesting. I think that I will take your advice on keeping my distance for the next 2 weeks and for the record I am prepared for divorce. I going to stop reacting to the breadcrumbs and wait for something more - not feeling very positive about the future of the marriage or the wife but feel strangely calm about it.

[Adele0908]

I recommend a book called Tame Your Woman by Carl E. Stevens. It's supposed to be about how to deal with a combative controlling wife/girlfriend by becoming a stronger man. Haven't read it though.

 

I read the companion book Change Your Man by Kenya K. Stevens and it was helpful in teaching me HOW to actually be a woman in a relationship and maintain harmony and attraction. We don't learn how to be in relationships in school. It's trial and error, so I'm always quick to find a helpful book somewhere.

[beach]

What was she doing that made you describe her behavior as 'a little weird'?

[whichwayisup]

Hire a PI.

 

Also she could have another email account or a secret phone or be using her work email.

[Zimber]

Hire a PI.

 

Also she could have another email account or a secret phone or be using her work email.

^^^^ yep, this, also you could install a keylogger on her laptop.

 

If you need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt. Won't make a difference in the end. If she is having an affair, you confront her with the evidence, one of two things will happen. She'll want to save your marriage or she won't. If she asks for another chance ... yep, you'll give it to her.

 

Frankly, moving out to her mom's place when there is such turmoil in your relationship coupled with the evasive fighting she's shown, I'd say she's either preparing herself, and/or she's having fun while you're not around. It's profound how she is turning her back on her children right now regardless of the state of your marriage. This isn't a job thing, that's for sure.

 

Good job on preparing yourself for the worst. Also I'm seeing the walls of denial are starting to crumble! Good. You've been disrespected, mistreated, likely betrayed, certainly lied to, your children have been abandoned (no, that's not too strong of term - and if the stuff hits the fan, it is usable. I'm not suggesting to try to leave her bleeding in the street, but too prevent yourself from being left bleeding in the street - the divorce laws do often favor the woman).

 

Another bit of advice, one you should do for yourself anyway, but it will have a lovely effect on your wife/future ex ...

1) If you're out of shape, hit it! Hit it hard.

2) If you've let your fashion get old, stiff, worn or cheap, fix it! Dress hotter.

3) If you have hair, change it, fix it. See an image consultant if need be (or ask a fashionable woman friend / colleague for advice).

4) If you have the time, take a course, or something to augment your future.

All these things are good for you anyway, but also show your wife you're severing the dependence you obviously have on her and taking action for yourself. It will also create a little bit of competition anxiety which is something that she seems to be lacking (not all, but some women need a bit of a challenge which you have not given her).

 

Be a good father, never stop that, but you need to bathe in a sea of self interest. You've become a lap dog and not the man that she seems to need/want.

 

 

Zimber.

Edited February 28, 2014 by Zimber

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and happy to see. I am always perplexed about people straying and the excuses their spouses make.

 

Again I ask is she drop dead gorgeous and no male can stay away? Is she so invaluable and high-powered in her job that she doesn't have time to see her YOUNG children? She really have so much work that she can't do it during regular work hours. Yes I get it when professionals and at Sr. VP levels and above (though they also travel more and have way more vacation too).

 

Everything unfortunately that she tells you is no more then her avoiding you, the family and her responsibilities.

[notbroken]

I've been exactly where you are. It is painful. Very painful.

 

The sad truth is that it almost doesn't matter the reasons she is doing what she is doing. That won't change the truth - she is starving you and your marriage and has been for quite a while. You can't be happy being a Eunich in separate bedrooms and basically living a room mate marriage. Tell her to decide she wants to be married and act like it or let you know asap she is unable to do that. Tell her you want that decision by the time she is done at her Mother's or you will be forced to make your own decision on what's best for yourself and family and that it won't be the status quo. You can't stand the waffling / limbo situation any longer. Insist she go to marriage counseling and that you want absolute disclosure of the past and in the future of any and all relationships. If she questions you on that just tell the truth - of course you are questioning her faithfulness because anyone in your shoes would (she moved out of the bedroom - you don't need any more justification). Own it. No shame in the truth.

 

Anything less and you are just giving her the choice about your future. You own some of it too.

[2sunny]

With every action there is a reaction.

 

You are seeing a tiny reaction to your discovery of her being inappropriate - but it is still all words and no change in her actions.

 

She knows she has two more weeks to stay distant and send a few promising texts.

 

I bet IF she got served divorce papers - she would either work smarter and be home more or delegate work to be home more - or just stay away more knowing she's created this distance and doesn't intend to repair the damage she's been causing.

 

She COULD change things if she knew the m is at stake for her pushing you all way.

 

But I'd bet money she figures you won't take further action - so she's still got a two week pass for now.

[2sunny]

Have you even checked to see who the guy is and if he is married? Have you checked if he's at the office these past few days or maybe there with her - working from her Moms house with her?

 

 

Did you tell her ahead of time you planned to come visit or did you drop in unexpectedly?

 

What was she doing that you thought was "weird"? Maybe he was there and you didn't know it...?

[Brian Smith]

She is now back from her mum's.

 

I have again challenged her on the need to wait another two weeks before taking positive action but a lot more assertively. I said that I found it hard to believe that she was genuine when apart from saying she is committed to the marriage she is making very little effort. I told her that action spoke louder than words.

 

She said that she didn't understand why I wouldn't think she wasn't genuine and that I knew how busy she was and that she has explained that she wants to take things slow at first so that we can reconnect.she said she was really looking forward to it and thought it would be fun. She wants us to come to an understanding about what went wrong so that things will be better going forwards. I told her that we were not even taking things slow, that she was doing next to nothing.

 

I pointed out that at the moment we are just living like housemates with less affection than I would show a hamster. I told her that I needed to see her making an effort or I was going to end things for her and to be honest I was starting not to care about saving the marriage at all - she looked a little concerned at this point. I also told her that I would prefer to be told that it was over than waste any more of my time in limbo.

 

She said again that she really did want it to work. I told her that she needed to start showing that now. She asked what exactly I wanted. I told her that I could not see any hope for us unless she started to show some commitment and we started spending time together as a couple without the kids around as an absolute minimum. She said that we have already arranged to go out as a family tomorrow, I pointed out that this while this was good it was us spending time together as a family not as a couple. I need more and want to know that there us a point to me still trying. There is absolutely no reason why the talking and dating cannot start right away.

 

She then suggested going somewhere on Sunday afternoon as a couple and asking her mum to look after the kids. She again repeated that she does think we are going to be ok and that the marriage will work. I said that at least it was a start but I will only be convinced when she actually showed through action that she means what she says.

[TobyBoy]

All your answers are in her phone!! Just grab it and go through it. Find the truth!!!

[Brian Smith]

I now know her code because I watched her type it in - she didn't realise I could see. I have also found her email password. The only problem is that with gmail you can see which devices have accessed the account and at what time and her phone lives with her except for shower time.

 

After typing the code in she was not concerned at me being able to see her emails as she went through them. She actually casually showed me and talked about some of them and everything I saw was work related. I think she is working on getting my trust.

 

I was thinking of only using it if a couple of weeks down the line things had not improved or become worse. It gives a potential evidence source come divorce time. However It does seem like we are making slow progress - unless she is gaslighting - I'm not convinced the email thing is worth the risk and potential terminal loss of trust. I have promised to never intrude her privacy like this again and she has said that if I do she will walk.

 

On the other hand I know she knows my email password as before this we did not have secrets and I wouldn't care if she was accessing it every day because I really do have nothing to hide.

[TobyBoy]

Ok. When did she show you the emails? Could she have deleted some incriminating ones?

 

She have an iPhone? If she does, you can do a spotlight search using key words like (sex, secret, cheating, OM name, love)

 

Good luck.

[beach]

How interesting that she only leaves the phone when she showers (cheaters do that).

 

How cruel that she has done suspicious things yet she tells you she will walk if you ever check on her (only a cheater would say that)!

 

I see a lot of lip service with empty promises from her - but she's got a certain kind of bitchiness that seems terribly cruel.

 

The way she approached the time with you for the weekend was mean. Almost like a gal who says - time alone? But I'm already spending Saturday with you and the kids. Sheez, what a favor she's doing you all, eh?

 

Take her phone and check in front of her if you need to - simply tell her she doesn't act connected to you and the family - and you are married - and have EVERY right to see what exactly is happening within your marriage.

 

See if you can put a tracker on her phone where you can read everything she gets on her phone!

 

You must act quickly...you need evidence - and waiting for a phone bill to come next week isn't going to cut it.

 

She's not being transparent - and when people guard their phone and threaten if you look - those people are cheating!

 

And why the heck does she need a code on her phone to begin with? Hmmm

[TobyBoy]

How interesting that she only leaves the phone when she showers (cheaters do that).

 

How cruel that she has done suspicious things yet she tells you she will walk if you ever check on her (only a cheater would say that)!

 

I see a lot of lip service with empty promises from her - but she's got a certain kind of bitchiness that seems terribly cruel.

 

The way she approached the time with you for the weekend was mean. Almost like a gal who says - time alone? But I'm already spending Saturday with you and the kids. Sheez, what a favor she's doing you all, eh?

 

Take her phone and check in front of her if you need to - simply tell her she doesn't act connected to you and the family - and you are married - and have EVERY right to see what exactly is happening within your marriage.

 

See if you can put a tracker on her phone where you can read everything she gets on her phone!

 

You must act quickly...you need evidence - and waiting for a phone bill to come next week isn't going to cut it.

 

She's not being transparent - and when people guard their phone and threaten if you look - those people are cheating!

 

And why the heck does she need a code on her phone to begin with? Hmmm

 

Read that^^^^^^^^again!!!

 

Also, Gmail? She uses gmail for work?