My wife does not feel the same about me anymore

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Read my capitalized responses above.

 

 

you MIGHT be able to turn this around if you act decisively and with the finess of a sledgehammer right frick'n now.

 

 

if you keep up this pussy-foot'n and trying to nice her back, we can all guarantee you one of a couple things will happen -

 

 

- she will leave you for OM

 

 

or

 

 

- OM will not take her fulltime and she will come back to you as the booby-prize and she will not love or respect you any more and you will live in a passionless, sexless marriage until she finds her next guy which will be just a matter of months to a year or so.

 

 

If you smash all this down and call her out on her crap and demand to be treated with dignity and respect and expect her to live up to her roles as your wife and mother, she will either step up to the plate or she will pack her sht and leave cleanly which will allow you to move on swiftly and cleanly.

 

 

You have the right to demand her to be all-in or all-out.

 

 

This is the hill to die on and this is the defining moment and the test of your mettle as a man, husband and father.

 

Gotta say, i enjoyed that.

[2sunny]

I'm shaking my head - she's busy! I get that.

 

But...not so busy that she can't go away with her sister and Mom.

 

She makes her bio family her priority EVEN THOUGH she is super busy at work!

 

How about she show the same respect for her husband and kids!

 

Seriously! That is just a bunch of crap!

 

She either gets all in (with YOU and your kids) or she gets out!

 

Having you do it all while she essentially ignores YOUR NEEDS and your kids is completely unacceptable.

 

And yes, check up on her! She's acting odd for a married, faithful wife and you should find out if there is cause for concern!

 

Install a key logger if needed. Track her spending. Put a voice activated recorder in her car and purse (they look like a pen). Find out what she has or doesn't have going on.

 

You need to know IF you should be worried further or if your mind can rest easy.

 

Do not tell her you are checking up on her.

 

You have the right to investigate her change of behavior...and it's best to get on it ASAP.

 

 

The only times my exH who cheated - asked me if I was "ok" a lot - is when he was headed out for a secret trip with hisOW and lying by saying it was a business trip!

 

Are you ok? signaled his guilty conscience!

 

That's just my assigned meaning - but you can call where they are and chat with her Mom and sister if they answer the house or hotel room phone. Start calling where she says she's staying.

[ZMM]

I'm shaking my head - she's busy! I get that.

 

But...not so busy that she can't go away with her sister and Mom.

 

I thought her mother was out of town and someone had to go there to tend to her animals and it's like 1 hour on the other side of where she works from their home. Maybe I am wrong.

[TobyBoy]

I thought her mother was out of town and someone had to go there to tend to her animals and it's like 1 hour on the other side of where she works from their home. Maybe I am wrong.

You're not wrong. Which is also a big red flag!!! She's not acting like someone who misses their family. Her actions betrays her words!!! She's detaching and also gaslighting Brian. This will not end well.

[2sunny]

I thought her mother was out of town and someone had to go there to tend to her animals and it's like 1 hour on the other side of where she works from their home. Maybe I am wrong.

 

The bottom line is: she MAKES effort and time for others - just not for OP and her own children.

 

Busy at work - I'm not buying it anymore.

 

She could make time for her husband and kids - but she's choosing not to. Heck, even while working a lot she's choosing not to even sleep in the same room with her husband. That is crappy! Especially given the fact that he's busy too - and still holding down the obligations at home.

 

It just doesn't seem right. I think she's not being honest.

[Brian Smith]

I am not just accepting the situation. I know that either she is being honest and she was not happy in the relationship and wanted to tell me so we could try to sort it out - if not we we split up. In this scenario I can understand her request for time.

 

Otherwise she is having an affair and just managing the situation until it is more convenient for her to end the marriage. In this scenario the request for time is cruel and dishonest.

 

In the first scenario I would be better served waiting and in the second it makes no difference as it is already over. It would serve to get me out of limbo land and move on quicker. Some of you are much more certain than I am that she is having an affair. If I found some definitive evidence then she would be out the door. - she knows this.

 

She has said that she thinks that things are going to be ok between us and that she is missing me and some feelings have returned. This is either genuine or as someone just suggested she is gas-lighting. It will all become clear eventually and if it is gas-lighting it is sure as hell going to help me get over her.

 

She has not gone away with her mum and sister she is looking after their animals, she has been home every day except yesterday to see the kids and is coming home early to see them tomorrow and give me a break - she also said she was looking forward to seeing me( I know some of you are sure this is gas-lighting again) I spoke to her on the phone yesterday for about 15minutes, she called from her mum's at about 9pm confirmed by caller ID so I do know that she is there.

Edited February 26, 2014 by Brian Smith

[TobyBoy]

Brian...What is your gut telling you?

[Brian Smith]

Good question. My gut initially told me she was cheating (3 weeks ago). I'm not so sure now, there has been occasions when she's stopped me going out of the door. When we've argued and I've said I've had enough we should just split up she's said please don't do this that's not what I want, I really want this marriage to work.

 

I've told her that I can't bear living with her is separate rooms and that I'd prefer her to move out until she us willing to work on the marriage. She has refused saying that she has already explained that she is willing to work on the marriage but she has no time or emotional energy to do a good job of it right now. She wants it to work out so wants to be able to give our relationship her full attention because she does want it to work.

 

When I have said this is hopeless lets just be friends, act normal around the kids and work together to find me so house and a deposit so that I can move out she has said that she does not think it us hopeless and she does not want me to move out.

 

Since then she has been contacting me and talking to me more than we have for months and has initiated some hugging and kissing. If it is gas-lighting then she is good.

 

Right now my gut believes her. If she wanted out, I've given her the chance to go and offered to go myself on good terms. If that us what she wants she knows she can have it so why would she play games?

[2sunny]

She misggt play games because the OM is married. It could be a hundred reasons...even that she doesn't want to lose her H at home taking care of everything.

 

What, exactly was her reason for sleeping in the other room from you?

 

This is about something - and you are best to know what the cause was that made her want you in another room.

 

I still believe any woman THAT BUSY would never go take care of animals over taking care of their own family. That just doesn't sit right with me. Hire someone to do the animal stuff! But a gal that is crazy busy at work - enough to ignore her family - should say NO WAY to anything that gets in the way of family time.

Edited February 26, 2014 by 2sunny

[TobyBoy]

It's called "cake eating" around here. You know..."wanting your cake and eating it".

Look, I'm a big believer in trusting your gut....it hasn't wronged me yet. And I don't think yours was wrong initially also.

 

Why don't you put on here what you read on her emails. We'll tell you our interpretation and go from there. We're all really looking out for you Brian.

[Brian Smith]

She said it was because sex had become a big issue between us and was causing a lot of our problems. I wanted it a lot more than she did and she felt guilty turning me down. She thought that by removing herself from the bedroom she could remove some of the pressure she was feeling. She felt that removing this source of conflict might help us sort things out in the long term. She said that she just does not have the same sex drive as me especially while she is stressed.

[beach]

She said it was because sex had become a big issue between us and was causing a lot of our problems. I wanted it a lot more than she did and she felt guilty turning me down. She thought that by removing herself from the bedroom she could remove some of the pressure she was feeling. She felt that removing this source of conflict might help us sort things out in the long term. She said that she just does not have the same sex drive as me especially while she is stressed.

 

It seems she considers her feelings a lot more than your feelings.

 

Deep down - do you think she respects as honors you as her husband?

[Brian Smith]

Look I just don't know. I hate her for making me feel like this. Her behaviour towards me has been very hurtful and I really had no warning that this truck was going to hit me.

 

I have got to a place where it does not hurt so much and to be honest starting to feel like I would be better off without my wife. She pursued me, she wanted us to marry, she was very much in love with me and wanted to have my children, then suddenly when she has everything that she wanted as well has her dream job she does not want it any more.

 

It looks and feels like she is having a mid life crisis. She got everything she thought she wanted but was still unhappy. I think it very unlikely that we will get through this together but at the same time we will always be co parents and I think I need to stay civil and reasonable to give them the best future.

 

It no longer feels like the end of the world. Right now I would rather stay married but for the right reasons. I don't want her if she doesn't or can't love me. I don't think she actually knows what she wants and maybe it all hinges on wether or not she is in love with someone else. Apart from my hurt I want to make sure that my kids are not damaged by this and were it not for the kids I would not be hanging on in this situation. To be honest I feel that as I have done nothing wrong that I really do not deserve this, I am very angry.

[Brian Smith]

To be fair we have always looked after the animals in February half term even before we were married. Her mum does a lot for us, rakes the kids to school, picks them up. Looks after them until I get home. Looking after her house for one week is the least we can do. For the past 4,years we have not gone as a family as the kids are happier and more easily entertained at home. Usually we take it in turns to spend a night each. I asked her to move out for a while, this was the compromise, she would go to her mum's for one week.

[TobyBoy]

Look I just don't know. I hate her for making me feel like this. Her behaviour towards me has been very hurtful and I really had no warning that this truck was going to hit me.

 

I have got to a place where it does not hurt so much and to be honest starting to feel like I would be better off without my wife. She pursued me, she wanted us to marry, she was very much in love with me and wanted to have my children, then suddenly when she has everything that she wanted as well has her dream job she does not want it any more.

 

It looks and feels like she is having a mid life crisis. She got everything she thought she wanted but was still unhappy. I think it very unlikely that we will get through this together but at the same time we will always be co parents and I think I need to stay civil and reasonable to give them the best future.

 

It no longer feels like the end of the world. Right now I would rather stay married but for the right reasons. I don't want her if she doesn't or can't love me. I don't think she actually knows what she wants and maybe it all hinges on wether or not she is in love with someone else. Apart from my hurt I want to make sure that my kids are not damaged by this and were it not for the kids I would not be hanging on in this situation. To be honest I feel that as I have done nothing wrong that I really do not deserve this, I am very angry.

Cool, now think about those emails you found. Do the words she wrote sound like they came from someone over stressed and in a crisis?

[beach]

Can you look at her phone bill and see if she's been calling or texting anyone a lot while she's at her Moms?

 

Try gathering info. That either shows she may or may not be communicating with someone else.

 

Usually it shows on a phone bill.

[Brian Smith]

I think that if she is communicating with him it is via her email and obviously face to face in work. Nothing suspicious in her phone bill from last month but she can email from her phone. She may use her phone to call if I am not there so will check next month just in case (her phone is in my name so bills come to me).

[beach]

I think that if she is communicating with him it is via her email and obviously face to face in work. Nothing suspicious in her phone bill from last month but she can email from her phone. She may use her phone to call if I am not there so will check next month just in case (her phone is in my name so bills come to me).

 

Look online. It gives you calls and texts as soon as they happen. If needed, register your account online so you can view it now.

 

Check her email when you get the chance.

 

Her previous reaction to you looking at her email isn't normal for an innocent gal.

 

People that have nothing to hide - hide nothing. When nothing suspicious is happening, a person doesn't over react and gaslight when they are innocent.

 

In fact, they usually are happy to have anyone look at anything because they know they haven't engaged in any suspicious exchanges with others.

Edited February 26, 2014 by beach

[Brian Smith]

Mine doesn't next online bill will be available on 6th march.

[beach]

Can you call the phone carrier and request the info sent by fax up to today?

[ZMM]

Brian - listen to what you were thinking before everyone in here got you all worried again. You presented two scenarios.

 

1) She is being honest - so getting all freaked out and worried will do more harm than good.

 

2) She is having an affair - again, getting all freaked out and worried will do more harm than good. Waiting a little while longer to find out won't make any difference in the long run.

 

You drew the conclusions - you are either worrying over nothing or worrying over something - which one it is will be determined in short order. Either way, worrying does no good.

[ZMM]

Can you call the phone carrier and request the info sent by fax up to today?

 

March 6th is only a week away.

[tired girl]

Facts you know about your wife so far:

 

She is distant with you and doesn't want to have sex with you.

She has you sleeping in a separate bedroom.

She is guarding her phone.

She is spending way too much time at work.

She was/is exchanging flirty emails with a male co worker.

She is now logging out of said email so you cannot possible see what is going on. Therefore not willing to be transparent with you.

She is unwilling to go to counseling with you.

She has no "in love feelings for you".

 

What does all of this say to you? This says to me, a woman who is in an affair with a married man that has no interest in leaving his marriage. She knows this and therefore wants to keep her status quo going as well. Things would get real crappy for her if you left, so she is doing just the minimum to keep you around. Texting you more, hugging you, saying encouraging things. But she is not really putting any kind of work into it. Be careful. I believe she is in a full blown affair.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I hope she is a high powered drop dead gorgeous knockout who is the envy of both men and women everywhere. Because otherwise if she is carrying on with a married man who knows she will have to leave a marriage (and he will too) and there are three kids involved, better be getting someone of the stature of Charlize Theron/Angelina Jolie in the process.....

 

She is a pretty lousy wife, not a great mother and is feeding you such lines I am just shocked at the way you have responded. She kicked you out of the marital bed, because she felt bad turning you down for sex, which I find hilarious. Let me tell you a secret..... Many men here are turned down over and over for sex, and sleep with our spouses, with them knowing full well all they have to do is give us the signal and we will have sex. However we are not kicked out of bed because we have a boner....

 

Actually I agree that you are correct that she will be the one making the decision. The issue is you are doing absolutely nothing on your end. There is nothing sadder then bargaining with her (using the kids as a chip) and begging for her to choose you......

[2sunny]

What is her plan of action to reconnect with you after a few more weeks pass?

 

Does she plan to be home more often? Make more time for you and the kids being focused on all of you while she's home?

 

Sleep with you? Have sex with you? Become intimately involved in your life with you? (Big difference between sex and intimacy)!

 

 

Since it is her actions that pulled away - it would be fair to understand what action she's going to take to become totally involved in the marriage and family.

 

 

Ask her. You need to know how she plans to participate moving forward! If she can't be specific then you need to have her map it out for you.

 

Having goals within the M are a good sign. You have every right to understand what to expect will change once a few weeks pass.

 

 

Empty conversations are of no value when one spouse feels dismissed and neglected. You need to know what she plans to change.