My wife does not feel the same about me anymore

[ZMM]

What did the email exchange say?

 

This is a huge piece of the puzzle that we don't have.

[Allumere]

Obviously, you aren't a self-employed business person.

 

No, I work for a contractor averaging 11 hours a day, run an animal rescue, and involved with a charity record label. In addition to maintaining my own home, property and caring for horses and the property they reside. So no, I have no clue about priorities or business or money. Trust me, I have worked more weekends then I care to count and have slept at the office.....BUT when it came to my spouse or my family, I juggled and put them first even if it meant not sleeping.

 

Sorry, in this case she is making a choice because she is hiding.

[ZMM]

No, I work for a contractor averaging 11 hours a day, run an animal rescue, and involved with a charity record label. In addition to maintaining my own home, property and caring for horses and the property they reside. So no, I have no clue about priorities or business or money. Trust me, I have worked more weekends then I care to count and have slept at the office.....BUT when it came to my spouse or my family, I juggled and put them first even if it meant not sleeping.

 

Sorry, in this case she is making a choice because she is hiding.

 

Well, if she has a serious deadline, and it is something where she really has no one else she can turn it over to, and maybe it requires some creative thinking where her mind needs to be totally focused - maybe she has already set it up to work long hours and any more would mean no sleep at all, which really you can only do for a few days in a row and even then it can cause serious loss of productivity. Some jobs require some serious concentration, some are more about putting in the time and physical effort. Have you ever heard of writer's block. It happens, and not just to writers.

 

Anyway, I don't know if that is the case at all. Like everyone else, I don't have enough details.

[2sunny]

Even the busiest people I know well still make time for the people in their lives. Deadlines don't stop them from setting aside time and energy to stay connected to their spouse and kids.

 

And hour everyday would show his wife is making effort to make sure she feels a part of the family.

 

But that's nearly impossible if she leaves before everyone is up and gets home at bed time or after.

 

How much does she communicate with the original poster throughout her busy day? How much does she keep in touch with her kids while at work?

[Brian Smith]

At the moment she does make it home for the children's bedtimes a couple of times a week. We do talk every day and she usually tells me about her day. Things are fine in that respect unless the conversation becomes serious. We make sure that we spend time together as a family on the weekend, typically take the kids swimming together or yesterday we all went to a museum and that had a meal together in a restaurant. Things were very pleasant but always platonic. Usually she will take the kids somewhere like the cinema on the weekend whilst I play a game of golf, so it is during the week that she doesn't see much of them. What she does not want to do at the moment is go anywhere with me on my own.

 

She has seemed to thaw a little bit in her attitude towards me because she has actually started initiating conversations and has actually texted me about four times in the last two days - before this I would barely if ever get a reply and usually have to start the conversation. She us consistent in saying that she does want yo work on the relationship. She is very clear in telling me that she thinks it might take a long time for her feelings to come back but she does hope that they do.

 

I am finding the waiting quite difficult but she is in a period of genuine stress at work which I have experienced before. At that time we worked in the same place and went through the stress together. I probably worked as hard as her then. We seem to have lost our connection since she started her new job, we see a lot less of each other. She is also clear that our issues are not only due to the stress but that it does not help because it means we have even less quality time. She has admitted to sometimes avoiding coming home so as to avoid spending time with me but she says it it easier now the atmosphere between us has improved.

[ZMM]

At the moment she does make it home for the children's bedtimes a couple of times a week. We do talk every day and she usually tells me about her day. Things are fine in that respect unless the conversation becomes serious. We make sure that we spend time together as a family on the weekend, typically take the kids swimming together or yesterday we all went to a museum and that had a meal together in a restaurant. Things were very pleasant but always platonic. Usually she will take the kids somewhere like the cinema on the weekend whilst I play a game of golf, so it is during the week that she doesn't see much of them. What she does not want to do at the moment is go anywhere with me on my own.

 

She has seemed to thaw a little bit in her attitude towards me because she has actually started initiating conversations and has actually texted me about four times in the last two days - before this I would barely if ever get a reply and usually have to start the conversation. She us consistent in saying that she does want yo work on the relationship. She is very clear in telling me that she thinks it might take a long time for her feelings to come back but she does hope that they do.

 

I am finding the waiting quite difficult but she is in a period of genuine stress at work which I have experienced before. At that time we worked in the same place and went through the stress together. I probably worked as hard as her then. We seem to have lost our connection since she started her new job, we see a lot less of each other. She is also clear that our issues are not only due to the stress but that it does not help because it means we have even less quality time. She has admitted to sometimes avoiding coming home so as to avoid spending time with me but she says it it easier now the atmosphere between us has improved.

 

Does it make sense that she might want to wait to delve into these issues until after she finishes her current project. I mean, I can understand that, but a lot of the others here do not. If she has to do something where she needs to be somewhat creative, is it possible she needs to keep her mind focused on the task at hand. Since you worked in the same area, you would know if this makes any sense at all.

[Brian Smith]

It does make sense. She is under a lot of stress and has to work pretty much all the hours of her waking day to get the job done. She is working in work and again when she gets home. It is very stressful to her because she is a perfectionist and will not accept her work not being perfect - she's always been the same.

[whichwayisup]

She may not be having a full on physical affair but she IS having an emotional affair with this guy. IN her mind she may feel she's not doing anything wrong but that doesn't mean anything because she has distanced and detached herself from you and this guy is in her head.

 

Her reaction to you reading her emails was overboard and is a tell. Do some digging, is this guy married? You know his name now so do look into that.

 

Are you 100% sure she is actually at work during those long hours? Is there a way to verify this?

 

There's nothing you can do to woo her back because of what she feels for this guy. you can't compete with that even though you're her husband and know her well. She is emotionally attached to someone else and those crush like feelings have taken over and put her in a fog.

 

She isn't loving you like she used to, but she won't leave. She has the comforts of home, you and the kids yet she gets to sleep in a different room and stay married. You get no affection, no sex, just an empty shell of a wife, who is now like a roommate, mother of your kids. That is not fair to you and you didn't sign up for this - To have a wife who is just present when she feels like it and is detached from you.

 

Tough love and stand your ground strongly what you will and won't put up with.

 

Sorry that you're going through this.

[ZMM]

It does make sense. She is under a lot of stress and has to work pretty much all the hours of her waking day to get the job done. She is working in work and again when she gets home. It is very stressful to her because she is a perfectionist and will not accept her work not being perfect - she's always been the same.

 

In that case, I would wait until she finishes the project. I know what it is like to be in her situation work-wise. If she is that busy and a perfectionist - and trying to meet a deadline, well - she's not thinking about an affair at the moment. And a little flirtation back and forth, really isn't that unusual or that big of a deal, it depends on how serious it was. Hang in there.

[Brian Smith]

Yes I will wait, it does not seem so far away now. I will expect her to keep her end of the arrangement and reward me by putting our marriage and reconciliation first. I will soon know if her heart is not in it.

 

On a positive note came home early today and offered to take the kids to their class and give me a break. She also told me that she had started to feel more positive about us now that we seem to be communicating better.

[ZMM]

Yes I will wait, it does not seem so far away now. I will expect her to keep her end of the arrangement and reward me by putting our marriage and reconciliation first. I will soon know if her heart is not in it.

 

On a positive note came home early today and offered to take the kids to their class and give me a break. She also told me that she had started to feel more positive about us now that we seem to be communicating better.

 

 

That's great! Actually, I bet you will be okay. Show her your confidence and you are good anyway it turns out. Don't be all jealous and paranoid - not real attractive. JMO

[Brian Smith]

Update.

 

Things were a little awkward again when the wife returned from the kids taekwondo class. I felt a tension in the air but did my best to act relaxed and normal. She asked me several times if I was ok and I replied yes because I was starting to feel that things were going to be ok. She said good.

 

Later I made myself scarce as she was packing to leave ( she is staying the nights at her mums for one week), she came and found me and again asked I'd I was ok, because she thought I was being strange. I said no I'm fine I'm just trying to give you space. She then walked up to me and gave me what felt like a very passionate hug. As she broke away, we looked into each other's eyes and then kissed several times before hugging again for about five minutes. She said I think we're going yo be ok aren't we Brian. I said of course.

She said that she felt staying at her mum's was really helping, I had to agree. She then said her goodbyes to the kids and left.

 

I am aware that this kiss / cuddle thing does not solve all of our problems but it certainly helps me believe that she does want to save the marriage.

[ZMM]

Update.

 

Things were a little awkward again when the wife returned from the kids taekwondo class. I felt a tension in the air but did my best to act relaxed and normal. She asked me several times if I was ok and I replied yes because I was starting to feel that things were going to be ok. She said good.

 

Later I made myself scarce as she was packing to leave ( she is staying the nights at her mums for one week), she came and found me and again asked I'd I was ok, because she thought I was being strange. I said no I'm fine I'm just trying to give you space. She then walked up to me and gave me what felt like a very passionate hug. As she broke away, we looked into each other's eyes and then kissed several times before hugging again for about five minutes. She said I think we're going yo be ok aren't we Brian. I said of course.

She said that she felt staying at her mum's was really helping, I had to agree. She then said her goodbyes to the kids and left.

 

I am aware that this kiss / cuddle thing does not solve all of our problems but it certainly helps me believe that she does want to save the marriage.

 

Sounds like you handled that pretty damn well. Good job.

[pteromom]

This sure is a pessimistic crowd around these parts.

 

Look, Brian. It is possible your wife is having an affair. It's also possible that she is either being honest or is very confused and saying whatever she needs to say to put off divorce while she figures it out.

 

She says she will be ready to work on it in three weeks. Give her the space to get her work project done then see what happens. It's not like that is long to wait.

 

While you are waiting, consult an attorney so you will know what your options and obligations will be in case of divorce. Make sure your assets are protected just in case. Look at options for housing just in case.

 

I hope your wife is being honest and that she really does want to reconcile. It could be that she is having a bit of a personal crisis and needs to figure out what she wants to do in her life, and she's blaming you/the marriage for her unhappiness when it doesn't stem from there at all. Give her the space to figure it out.

 

And for goodness sake, don't be all revenge-minded and angry. You are still a co-parent with her no matter what happens. And your kids are going to be better off if you are amicable and fair, no matter what happens.

[2sunny]

Update.

 

Things were a little awkward again when the wife returned from the kids taekwondo class. I felt a tension in the air but did my best to act relaxed and normal. She asked me several times if I was ok and I replied yes because I was starting to feel that things were going to be ok. She said good.

 

Later I made myself scarce as she was packing to leave ( she is staying the nights at her mums for one week), she came and found me and again asked I'd I was ok, because she thought I was being strange. I said no I'm fine I'm just trying to give you space. She then walked up to me and gave me what felt like a very passionate hug. As she broke away, we looked into each other's eyes and then kissed several times before hugging again for about five minutes. She said I think we're going yo be ok aren't we Brian. I said of course.

She said that she felt staying at her mum's was really helping, I had to agree. She then said her goodbyes to the kids and left.

 

I am aware that this kiss / cuddle thing does not solve all of our problems but it certainly helps me believe that she does want to save the marriage.

 

 

Trust - but verify.

 

I think you're handling it well. My concern is verifying that she's at her Mom's house.

 

Just saying - my exH asked me several times if I was ok before he left to go meet with his OW... Not saying it's what she's planning - just pointing out my experience for you to be aware of for your own knowledge.

 

Can you check to see if she is where she says she is?

 

What is the reason she needs to be at her Mom's for a week right now?

[ZMM]

Trust - but verify

 

And I thought Reagan was dead, all this time he has been hiding out on LoveShack dishing out advice to the broken-hearted, using the moniker - 2sunny.

Edited February 24, 2014 by ZMM

[beach]

OP - I hope you find no reason to be suspicious when looking at what your wife has going on while she is away from home this week.

 

Can you tell us what her emails to him stated? The ones that caused you concern... It may give us a better idea of what set this in motion.

Edited February 25, 2014 by beach

[Brian Smith]

She is away at her mum's because every February half term her mum and sister go away on holidays. It's a bit cold and boring there and much harder to entertain the kids so usually we take it in turns to stay the night and look after the various chickens, dogs budgies etc that her mum likes to keep. Since it is half term I am off work looking after the kids but she is going to her work every day. He mum's house is about an hours drive from her work in the opposite direction to home.

 

I am aware that this gives her the opportunity to do whatever she wants and I have actually agonised about driving down to check up on her. I came to the conclusion that if she is determined to have an affair I can not stop it happening she has to choose not to have one, after all I cannot control what she does. If she caught me checking up on her and she is not having an affair it's going to really piss her off.

 

She texted me a couple of times today, I had to wait until 1.35pm for the first one but was determined not to text her first. She then phoned about 6pm to see how my day had been. I tried not to be needy or ask about what she was up to (trying to show trust), and she brought the subject of us up. Saying she is feeling different and thinks there is hope for us now. I said that I'd enjoyed the hug yesterday but new that it didn't mean everything was going to be ok. She said she thought it did and that she was fed up with working all the time and was really missing me and the kids. She also said that she was looking forwards to seeing me tomorrow and she really appreciated the way I was taking care of the kids while she is working and at her mum's.

 

As for the emails, I'm not going to type them out word for word on here but honestly after much analysis I cannot tell if it is harmless banter or flirting. Personally my feeling is that she was flirting with him but that's as far as it has gone. She logs out of her email every time now and since I don't know her password I have no way of checking for further emails. I'm glad I can't log in because I have promised to trust her and if was was able to look I'm not sure I could resist the temptation.

[Brian Smith]

I'm not sure what is causing her to thaw and start to come back towards me (which is what seems to be happening).

 

On reflection I haven't dealt very well with her and her new job - we'd always worked in the same building before. I have been jealous of all of the time she has been spending there. I think I could have been more supportive. I may have been putting too much pressure on her to spend time with me and the kids and I might have been overly critical. I have also become a bit needy and less confident in myself.

 

I have also found myself trusting her less, mainly due what I saw as her overly close relationship with her phone. I think I may have been making her feel guilty whilst at the same time becoming angry with her and thus creating an atmosphere in the house.

 

I think that because now I have given her space and am actually showing understanding by encouraging her to stay in work and encouraging her to be more independent (in terms of her reconnecting with her friends and hobbies) and find herself she has started to show me some signs of affection. We seem to now both be pulling in the same direction.

 

I've rowed 10k on the erg and am now watching some cartoons with with kids, sipping a glass of wine and feeling hopeful for the first time in a month. Fingers crossed.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Just started reading this the other day and want to shake you and tell you to "Grow a spine". I am amazed reading all this how needy and sad you are and looking for signs of hope. She kicked you out of the marital bed.

 

Start living your life. I hate to say it and be cliched..... But be a man......

[bwright42tx]

I'm not sure what is causing her to thaw and start to come back towards me (which is what seems to be happening).

 

On reflection I haven't dealt very well with her and her new job - we'd always worked in the same building before. I have been jealous of all of the time she has been spending there. I think I could have been more supportive. I may have been putting too much pressure on her to spend time with me and the kids and I might have been overly critical. I have also become a bit needy and less confident in myself.

 

I have also found myself trusting her less, mainly due what I saw as her overly close relationship with her phone. I think I may have been making her feel guilty whilst at the same time becoming angry with her and thus creating an atmosphere in the house.

 

I think that because now I have given her space and am actually showing understanding by encouraging her to stay in work and encouraging her to be more independent (in terms of her reconnecting with her friends and hobbies) and find herself she has started to show me some signs of affection. We seem to now both be pulling in the same direction.

 

I've rowed 10k on the erg and am now watching some cartoons with with kids, sipping a glass of wine and feeling hopeful for the first time in a month. Fingers crossed.

 

Stealing this from another thread for you:

 

Many people don't realize this but there is a time machine. It's called "morning" and it begins when the sky starts to glow with light to the east. With the dawn of a new day begins a new chapter in your life. It's all about what you do with that new day.

 

Everyday is indeed a new day. You can choose to change your behaviors today!

[Brian Smith]

I like the quote. Thank you.

[Brian Smith]

Grow a spine?

 

I think I'm doing quite a good job of coping under the circumstances. Preparing myself for the worst whilst at the same time making sure that everything is normal for the kids (aged 3,4 and 9) I am strong around them and may come over as needy on the board, that's why I'm posting here, I have no other outlet.

 

I do not apologise for being hopeful. It us the wife that is telling me she thinks things will be ok. Or are you saying that I should kick my wife into touch for doing this? I happen to think that I owe it to my kids to make this work. I think she is / was making a terrible mistake.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Grow a spine?

 

I think I'm doing quite a good job of coping under the circumstances. Preparing myself for the worst whilst at the same time making sure that everything is normal for the kids (aged 3,4 and 9) I am strong around them and may come over as needy on the board, that's why I'm posting here, I have no other outlet.

 

I do not apologise for being hopeful. It us the wife that is telling me she thinks things will be ok. Or are you saying that I should kick my wife into touch for doing this? I happen to think that I owe it to my kids to make this work. I think she is / was making a terrible mistake.

 

I wish you the best, but reading the posts, you are too passive. I am no macho, sexist jerk, however you are making too many excuses for her and haven't stood up at all and she is deciding on what to do with you.

 

To me it is very sad to be excited about texts, emails, a hug and slough it off as to her being busy and stressed. Heck she's barely seeing the kids.....

 

Actually am surprised that more haven't called you to task.

[2sunny]

I can't see why any spouse settles for sleeping in separate bedrooms - unless one is very sick or one has done irreparable harm.

 

What was the reason she has for sleeping in separate rooms? When did this start?

 

I would think a wife who works long hours and the husband works too - and he takes care of the kids the majority of the time - that she would come home and want to feel close and connected to the man that's making her life look tidy while she's working a lot.

 

Especially sleeping together.

 

What was the reason that changed and when did it start?

 

 

A woman can work a lot at times - but her wanting to sleep apart must have it's reasons.

 

Can you tell us why and when?