post affair - opposite sex friends

[harrybrown]

Sorry about your pain. I do not see your pain ending.

 

How would she feel if you had an affair?

 

She has no boundaries and I would hope you had her sign an agreement that if she cheats again, (when she cheats again) that she pays dearly with the custody of the kids, the property settlement and with her paying alimony.

 

Do you have an agreement? You do not have a remorseful wife or one that can quit cheating.

[Clay]

I think its clear. She does not really love him. He is the one still in love and that is why he has held out hope. She will teach him yet. If she actually loved him she would have given everything over right away. Her delay only cements the fact she is in control of him.

 

I hope for his sake he kicks her to the curb but it sure does not sound like that is going to happen.

 

Clay

[burnside.rose]

How would she feel if you had an affair?

.

 

during her affair she offered up a number of times, that i should just go have sex with someone else & that she wouldnt mind. that was one of numerous red flags.

[burnside.rose]

I think its clear. She does not really love him. He is the one still in love and that is why he has held out hope. She will teach him yet. If she actually loved him she would have given everything over right away. Her delay only cements the fact she is in control of him.

 

I hope for his sake he kicks her to the curb but it sure does not sound like that is going to happen.

 

Clay

 

while part of this probably true....after i've read glass 'not just friends' she recommended to not make a decision on R or D until 3months.

 

being in the house she throws herself at me & says all the right things but you are right that the actions don't match (the delay for this partial tranparency, her continually seeking male friendship & attention, the fact ive read books and she hasnt, etc, etc).

[Fearful]

Sorry for the pain you are going through but I think if you still have any trace of self-worth in you, go for seperation with a speed of lightening and divorce her as soon as practicable. Through out your marrital life, she have been manipulating you into believing that she is the best thing that has ever hapen to you. Now she succeeded. You have zero self-worth. If you don't wrigle your self out of this Sham marriage, your life and that of the kid you are trying to live for will be completely ruin. How does it end between your wife's parents? What happen to your wife's mom?

[herself]

Check phone records. It shows incoming & outgoing calls & texts and times.

That will help u know if she had stayed in touch with xAP.

[Bryanp]

She is absolutely out of her mind to say to you that you will never find anyone better than her. Next times she says this why don't you reply that you doubt that you will find anybody worse than her.

[The Samurai]

OP.. every one here want to help you, except yourself. Sorry and please take no offense, but it's very obvious that you're too weak to take control.. and this is why she will keep destroying you over and over.

 

I'm sure that you know deep inside exactly what to do. But again, you're too weak to do it.

No one can help you, if don't want to help yourself!

[thummper]

OP.. every one here want to help you, except yourself. Sorry and please take no offense, but it's very obvious that you're too weak to take control.. and this is why she will keep destroying you over and over.

 

I'm sure that you know deep inside exactly what to do. But again, you're too weak to do it.

No one can help you, if don't want to help yourself!

If you're ok with her treatment of you, then by all means allow her to keep doing to you what she's been doing. It looks like she has no intention of stopping. I feel so bad for you, but there's not much we can do for you if you're not willing to follow through on the advice you've been given. All my best to you. I hope that you can somehow deal with the pain successfully.

[burnside.rose]

I hear all things you guys are saying..deep down I know what I want.... a D. But my daughter clouds my judgement and paralyzes me..holding out hope that there is some other way. But ya, deep down I know I want....a D.

Edited March 11, 2014 by burnside.rose
damn...autocorrect.

[burnside.rose]

An update of sorts…..

 

A brief refresher….I was told PA for 6-8 months & then just good friends for the next year and a half.

 

I decided to wait 6 months before deciding anything….

 

And then yesterday I receive a long rambling email from the OM, in it were some nice facts:

- STBXW and him were together for 2.5 years on and off. Something she just now confessed. She even told our MC the fictitious short 6 mos PA timeline.

- After DDay I demanded NC, she refused for almost 1.5 months & when she did. She got a secret phone.

- She told me that during the 6 months PA she went to counseling & chose me. Lies. She never chose me. She continued on with the PA for another 2 years.

- I asked her after DDay about her many trips with girls. Lied then & told me he was never there. But he was almost everyone….even as recent as November (D-day was a month later).

- According to his email, they were hooking up after DDay. Something she denies. But I have to believe the OM in this case.

 

To me this enrages & hurts almost worse than finding out about the original DDay.

 

No happy ending here. This one ends in D.

[Spectre]

so my wife had an PA for a year then broke it off because of her guilt but after a cooling off period...they started texting, going out for coffee (while not telling me) & having what she calls a "friendship" but it my mind an EA. This lasted 6 months.

 

so it's been a month or so since DDay when i found out. i'm still extremely hurt & bitter, and have been struggling whether to reconcile or leave for good. a terrible roller coaster of emotions....i've been going to IC to help cope.

 

she says that she has NC with the OM but i saw a call come in on her mobile phone from him while she was in the shower & i questioned her about it. she says he still calls but she doesn't answer. her phone is locked & she won't give me access until i commit to reconcilation.

 

anway that set off my paranoia, so i snooped & found her facebook password. i see she is messaging once a day with a different guy (her fathers girlfriends son who is seperated). we've only met him in the last 6 months or so at family functions occasionally but somehow they have moved to exchanging "morning...just wanted to say hello & have a nice day" messages almost first thing in the morning & at night. at least once a day. initiated by both sides...her one morning... him another morning.

 

this almost felt like a DDay. Who does this? Only after a month after being busted for an affair she is sending good morning texts to another guy. is this wildly in appropriate? Or am I wrong?

 

(before this, 2 weeks or so ago she was going to plan a playdate with just her & him, & his & our kids. i got mad & couldn't believe she though that was a good idea.)

 

Why are you still with this horrible horrible woman? The absolute gall it would take for her to think she could make a playdate with the man she cheated with and his kids? It sounds like she actually hates you. She definitely can't love or respect you, since if she did she would not of spoken a SINGLE word to the OM once she ended it. Of course, if she loved you there would of never been another man in the first place.

[Spectre]

An update of sorts…..

 

A brief refresher….I was told PA for 6-8 months & then just good friends for the next year and a half.

 

I decided to wait 6 months before deciding anything….

 

And then yesterday I receive a long rambling email from the OM, in it were some nice facts:

- STBXW and him were together for 2.5 years on and off. Something she just now confessed. She even told our MC the fictitious short 6 mos PA timeline.

- After DDay I demanded NC, she refused for almost 1.5 months & when she did. She got a secret phone.

- She told me that during the 6 months PA she went to counseling & chose me. Lies. She never chose me. She continued on with the PA for another 2 years.

- I asked her after DDay about her many trips with girls. Lied then & told me he was never there. But he was almost everyone….even as recent as November (D-day was a month later).

- According to his email, they were hooking up after DDay. Something she denies. But I have to believe the OM in this case.

 

To me this enrages & hurts almost worse than finding out about the original DDay.

 

No happy ending here. This one ends in D.

 

I posted before I saw this, but I am very glad you are deciding to divorce her, I wish more had the courage to do that when they are betrayed.

 

Also I know it doesn't seem like it, but you are getting a happy ending, why? Because getting this woman out of your life is actually a good thing. Trust me on that, in the long run this is the happiest ending you could of gotten. The bad ending would of been you choosing to stay with her..or even worse you being oblivious to what she has done and the type of person she is. Now she can be the OM's problem. Except, he probably won't want to be with her in an actual relationship given she is a skanky cheater. I feel bad for your daughter and the fact she has such a cruddy mother.

 

She is absolutely out of her mind to say to you that you will never find anyone better than her. Next times she says this why don't you reply that you doubt that you will find anybody worse than her.

 

To be frank, you could probably find a drug addicted prostitute and that would still in this case be leaps and bounds better then this woman. Hell, a blow up doll would be better.

Edited July 8, 2014 by Spectre

[burnside.rose]

I know. its seems silly. But I wanted to wait & make the right decision my child. However I see now that waiting was a waste of my time. She never cared.

[Spectre]

I know. its seems silly. But I wanted to wait & make the right decision my child. However I see now that waiting was a waste of my time. She never cared.

 

The good thing is..it is obvious your wife lives in a fantasy world. That fantasy is going to quickly come crashing down once you divorce her. Have you told her you intend to divorce her yet? I'd be curious to how she reacts.

 

Also never forget that the fact that you even entertained for a millisecond the idea of not divorcing this woman says that you are way way way too good for her.

[Clay]

That is so horrible. Cheaters are never worth your time. I do understand how difficult it is when there is a child involved. I hope for your sake you get away from her soon. The sooner you get away from her the quicker you will heal. Its nice you are at least getting some closure. I never got that. I don't really care anymore but I think it would have helped me heal faster had I had it.

 

Clay

[burnside.rose]

^ Hear that. I’m glad the POS OM sent that email, I could have possibly given her a second chance based on her continually lies. Her version of the events was so fair from real.

 

It’s pretty hurtful that I actually agreed to go to counseling & then she fed the counsellor with the same bull**** she fed to me.

[Spectre]

I also want to say one other thing: when a person cheats they essentially give up the right to have opposite sex friends. I don't mean just the person they cheated with, I mean any and all friends of the opposite sex.

[harrybrown]

So sorry, but glad you found out.

 

File for D and move on, you will be better off without her cheating in your life.

[Bryanp]

It is quite clear that your wife has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever and sees you as a fool that she can manipulate. Please remember these words:

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

 

P.S.

1. Get tested for STD's.

2. DNA test your child

3. Find a good attorney.

 

Enough is enough!

[underwater2010]

we havent really handled anything. i basically split. but now in the basement. i haven't decided to reconcile. my initial stance was to leave but having a kid makes the decision a little harder. i go to IC to help me sort this out. but it's only been a month & i'm pretty much still shattered.

 

i was inching towards reconcilation but after seeing this...

 

Tell her that when she is willing (unlocked phone at ALL times and complete access to everything)....you are willing to CONSIDER reconciliation. Until then you have no "faith" that she is willing to commit to it either.

 

And yes, friends of the opposite sex bother the crap out of me still. I watch them extra closely. And I speak up if it crosses bounderies.

 

My guess is that she has one foot completely out the door with only half of the other staying in. Call her on her crap.

[Spectre]

The only thing he should be considering is what strip club he wants to go to tonight. This woman deserves no second chance. Not when she can't leave the OM alone. See, that is kind of a sign about just how little a cheater loves their spouse. If the affair isn't ended and no contact begun IMMEDIATELY once the spouse finds out they cheated..then they have no love or respect for their partner. If they did the very first thing they'd be doing is kicking whatever scum they cheated with to the curb and never talking to them again.

 

I don't care if they are walking down the street and see this person, they don't get to say hi, they need to walk to the other side of the street. That is the very least they could do and if they have a hard time with that they needed to be kicked to the curb themselves.

[road]

It is quite clear that your wife has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever and sees you as a fool that she can manipulate. Please remember these words:

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

 

P.S.

1. Get tested for STD's.

2. DNA test your child

3. Find a good attorney.

 

Enough is enough!

 

 

 

Second those three things.

[badkarma2013]

Why in Gods name are you still there??

[burnside.rose]

^^

i know, right? brutal.

anyway, i wanted to wait 6 months before i decided to stay or go & to see if it was worth saving for our child.

but in the end she did nothing that a truly remorseful BS should do after DDay...and the whole "truth" was just another big lie.

 

whatever, ive talked to a divorce lawyer...bank is appraising the house....started making a list of what's mine and hers.

 

ya, life sucks sometimes.