post affair - opposite sex friends

[burnside.rose]

No you don't have to commit. And if your mC pushes you too... Find a new one. MC is just a last chance to see if things are salvagable. From your Pov your eife sounds very spoiled. But you also sound like you are unable at this point to just be firm and clear without losing your head and going postal. Which is understandable. But no matter what you decide it would be good to start working on keeping your cool for important discussions at times.

 

Thank you. I appreciate your responses.

[burnside.rose]

well....

 

since the big blowup we haven't really talked (she's been at her sisters) & since i have trouble controlling my anger & talking rationally...i figured i would send her an email.

 

i basically re-typed Try's post into first person & sent it off this was already a couple days ago.

Because I got angry the other night & didn't voice my opinion very well, I've decided to type this instead.

 

Without complete transparency, which includes all passwords & access to your phone. I have no reason to believe you have ended your cheating (be it emotional or physical) and that until I believe that you have ended your your cheating, I will not even think about reconciliation. You need to ask yourself, what are you gaining from having this type of privacy & having your phone locked?

 

Because this is all still so raw & new to me, you need to show real remorse & deal with the fact that I am angry.

 

You alone decided to cheater, so I alone get to decide on reconciliation and for that you need to give me full transparency, complete honesty & show true remorse in helping me make that decision.

 

we haven't really talked since & if we do she doesn't want to approach the topic.

 

i can see her decision now. i don't think she's willing to give transparency & there is a sense of a relief in me now that i don't have to take the burden of deciding whether or not to reconcile.

 

if she was truly remorseful, her passwords & phone should have been on the kitchen table in the morning.

[lockedoutluv]

in that latest fight, she told me I wouldn't find anyone better than her.

 

I know I am very late to this thread, but wow, this just hit me like a ton of bricks. I know it was in the heat of anger, but what a conceited, stuck-up, bi***? If that's the way that she feels about herself, you and the marriage, there's no more point in arguing.

[Owl]

well....

 

since the big blowup we haven't really talked (she's been at her sisters) & since i have trouble controlling my anger & talking rationally...i figured i would send her an email.

 

i basically re-typed Try's post into first person & sent it off this was already a couple days ago.

Because I got angry the other night & didn't voice my opinion very well, I've decided to type this instead.

 

Without complete transparency, which includes all passwords & access to your phone. I have no reason to believe you have ended your cheating (be it emotional or physical) and that until I believe that you have ended your your cheating, I will not even think about reconciliation. You need to ask yourself, what are you gaining from having this type of privacy & having your phone locked?

 

Because this is all still so raw & new to me, you need to show real remorse & deal with the fact that I am angry.

 

You alone decided to cheater, so I alone get to decide on reconciliation and for that you need to give me full transparency, complete honesty & show true remorse in helping me make that decision.

 

we haven't really talked since & if we do she doesn't want to approach the topic.

 

i can see her decision now. i don't think she's willing to give transparency & there is a sense of a relief in me now that i don't have to take the burden of deciding whether or not to reconcile.

 

if she was truly remorseful, her passwords & phone should have been on the kitchen table in the morning.

 

Has she responded?

[burnside.rose]

I know I am very late to this thread, but wow, this just hit me like a ton of bricks. I know it was in the heat of anger, but what a conceited, stuck-up, bi***? If that's the way that she feels about herself, you and the marriage, there's no more point in arguing.

 

ya i know. she said it at least three times & it was in our most heated arguments. but it seriously makes me wonder about her view of me.

[burnside.rose]

Has she responded?

 

f$ck no.

she completely ignored it. i really thought that her info would be on the table in the morning. we've been avoiding each other for the most part & didn't talk much this weekend. i brought it up once or twice & she didn't want to talk about it.

 

i have IC this morning at 11AM, & she sends me a text about 2 hrs before it saying she's so lonely, she that misses me, and that if we don't fix it soon it will be too late. i resent her the email via text & told her this is non-negotiable. no response or questions from her. didn't say much to each other tonight after work. we played with our daughter & then my wife went to bed.

[burnside.rose]

also had a really good IC session today. since she hasn't given transparency, i didn't really dwell on it so that allowed more time to talk more about me & my insecurities in general rather than the affair.

Edited February 11, 2014 by burnside.rose

[whichwayisup]

f$ck no.

she completely ignored it. i really thought that her info would be on the table in the morning. we've been avoiding each other for the most part & didn't talk much this weekend. i brought it up once or twice & she didn't want to talk about it.

 

i have IC this morning at 11AM, & she sends me a text about 2 hrs before it saying she's so lonely, she that misses me, and that if we don't fix it soon it will be too late. i resent her the email via text & told her this is non-negotiable. no response or questions from her. didn't say much to each other tonight after work. we played with our daughter & then my wife went to bed.

 

Tell her to pack a bag and go to the OM. That you're done unless she immediately gives you access to all her accounts and passwords, cell access too. She doesn't get to call the shots here, yet she still thinks she does.

[burnside.rose]

after drawing the line in the sand over the transparency thing, we had a week of not talking & not seeing each other....she gives me her passwords to her emails, fb and whatever....except for her phone.

 

she wants to do a factory reset on the phone first....she's paranoid that i will recover the old texts between the OM and her during the EA/PA. Now i seriously doubt i can restore any of that **** but if i could, is this something i should push for. is it beneficial to me to see the old texts? she says it won't help me as she puts it "they're pretty bad".

[road]

Read the texts.

 

 

 

Move heaven and earth to get copies of those texts.

 

 

You have not gotten 10% of the truth.

[burnside.rose]

They’ve all been deleted. I might be able to use a recovery tool but I really doubt it. I told her I could.

 

And ….I mean how bad it could be. I already know it’s about as bad as it gets....for at least a year…

sex in their office after work (a lot), she bought lingerie for him, they were planning a future together, we got the same Christmas gifts (sexy pics), she said “I love you” to him, lying about where they were, day trips to places, business trips, play dates with our kids…

 

 

:/

[lockedoutluv]

And ….I mean how bad it could be. I already know it’s about as bad as it gets....for at least a year…

 

^^^^ Exactly! Why bother reading them at this point. You already know "it was bad." I don't quite get why you still want her in your life. But if you do, what matters more than the past is whether or not she can be honest in the future. If she's not willing to give you access to her phone right now, it's impossible to answer that question.

[burnside.rose]

Update: still going to IC. Feel it’s helping. Still in limbo between proceeding with R or D but I’ve slowly been realizing that I’d miss the family life but I don’t think I’d necessarily miss her (if that makes sense). I’m just taking my time & sorting out which decision is right for me (still leaning to D)

 

 

She took a small step (which is too little too late I think). She gave me access to her phone only after getting a new one so I couldn’t recover any of the old texts/emails…. :/

 

Then….I checked her phone.

A male co-worker, whom she calls her friend, texted her on Saturday afternoon asking what she was doing that night. She said she didn’t know but was with my daughter at a pool, this guy invited himself to the pool (but didn’t end up going)…it went something like this.

 

him: Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Her: Not sure I’m at the Y with the kid playing at the pool.

Him: I have a Y membership

Her: It’s the one on XXX street.

Him: Oh too bad, I thought you meant the other (closer) one.

 

Now, this bothers me because:

1. Even though I have not decided on R or D, she should have a brain & realize that this is not appropriate.

2. What plans did he have for them that night? And if she didn't have my daughter would she have gone?

 

3. Why would this guy think it’s OK to invite himself to an outing with my wife & daughter. How good of friends are they?

4. MY DAUGHTER WAS THERE.

 

To make things appear even worse, those texts were deleted the very next day when I checked her phone again.

 

Do I think anything is happening? No.

But are boundaries being crossed? Yes.

[BHsigh]

Man, enough is enough. Drop her already, it doesn't sound like this will ever stop.

 

Do you have her old phone by any chance? Or can you get it?

[burnside.rose]

she carries it in her purse. ha. passlocked though.

 

my IC questioned why i want to read the texts. i didn't have a good answer other than i want to.

[BHsigh]

she carries it in her purse. ha. passlocked though.

 

my IC questioned why i want to read the texts. i didn't have a good answer other than i want to.

 

How about, so that you could believe that she was telling you the truth.

[burnside.rose]

from what she has told me...the LTA was bad.

...but do i need to know the day to day lovey-dovey stuff & what she said about me? that i'm not sure about.

[Spark1111]

Burnside.....I think she is trying to hold on your relationship until she finds a suitable replacement.

 

There is NO remorse or transparency. Meeting a man poolside? Really?

 

She is the best you will ever find? Really?

 

She does not RESPECT you.

 

Time to cut her loose, please. Find a woman who cherishes and respects you.

[burnside.rose]

She is the best you will ever find?

 

thanks. understood.

 

my IC did seem particularily concerned about this comment she made & has made more than once in our fights.

[tom670]

Burnside.....I think she is trying to hold on your relationship until she finds a suitable replacement.

 

There is NO remorse or transparency. Meeting a man poolside? Really?

 

She is the best you will ever find? Really?

 

She does not RESPECT you.

 

Time to cut her loose, please. Find a woman who cherishes and respects you.

 

If there ever was a serial cheater she is it.

Sounds like it's time to cut her loose.

She should be giving you passwords for EVERYTHING.

[Owl]

Seems to me that if you met her today...with no past history...you STILL couldn't trust her.

 

Would you trust a woman that you'd recently started a monogamous relationship if she'd had that same exchange with someone else that you just read on her phone?

 

Tell her that you read it. Tell her that this is precisely why there cannot be recovery for your marriage.

 

And walk away.

 

Please realize...I'm NOT a member of the "once a cheater, always a cheater, throw them to the curb" brigade. My marriage recovered. Marital recovery IS POSSIBLE...for those situations in which the WS truly regrets their actions, and learns to change their behaviors and actions.

 

Your wife does not meet that criteria.

[atreides]

 

 

him: Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Her: Not sure I’m at the Y with the kid playing at the pool.

Him: I have a Y membership

Her: It’s the one on XXX street.

Him: Oh too bad, I thought you meant the other (closer) one.

 

Now, this bothers me because:

1. Even though I have not decided on R or D, she should have a brain & realize that this is not appropriate.

2. What plans did he have for them that night? And if she didn't have my daughter would she have gone?

 

3. Why would this guy think it’s OK to invite himself to an outing with my wife & daughter. How good of friends are they?

4. MY DAUGHTER WAS THERE.

 

To make things appear even worse, those texts were deleted the very next day when I checked her phone again.

 

Do I think anything is happening? No.

But are boundaries being crossed? Yes.

 

WTF!?? Why stay... seriously? You said you would miss the family life, you can have that with many other great women out there. Why worry what it meant or where it was headed, you already know the answers.

[tom670]

I have to ask have you exposed this to both families.

Was she sexually abused as a child?

[burnside.rose]

yes and yes.

[tom670]

yes and yes.

 

Sorry that explains the crazy behavior then.

You can't fix that only she can.

Give her what she wants, let her go.