post affair - opposite sex friends

[janedoe67]

Post the OM on cheaterville.com You have proof so do it. Then you can send the link exposing him to his work colleagues, family etc.

 

For what reason?

[burnside.rose]

Well our biggest blowup yet. She cried and i yelled. Told me she would give me the phone and passwords....she just wants an inkling of hope that this might help since I've always made it clear that's divorce was the only option.

 

However she does not seem anything wrong with the Facebook messages with this new guy. Swore up and down that he was safe and she is just looking for a friend. Whatever....hard to believe though that she has the complete lack of common sense.

 

It's just so ****ing hard. Infidelity sucks so much. I crave normalcy.

[whichwayisup]

Well our biggest blowup yet. She cried and i yelled. Told me she would give me the phone and passwords....she just wants an inkling of hope that this might help since I've always made it clear that's divorce was the only option.

 

However she does not seem anything wrong with the Facebook messages with this new guy. Swore up and down that he was safe and she is just looking for a friend. Whatever....hard to believe though that she has the complete lack of common sense.

 

It's just so ****ing hard. Infidelity sucks so much. I crave normalcy.

 

Bolded. Why a guy? Why not a woman friend? She should NOT be befriending men since she doesn't understand boundaries and how to protect herself from getting too attached either emotionally or sexually.

 

You two have to go to marriage counseling, see how it goes. (She needs individual counseling too as she has issues to work on big time)

 

Worst case senario? A divorce in 6 months or so. Best case? You two communicate and learn to trust her again, if she is working hard and worthy of that second chance.

 

She does NOT need men friends right now. That only makes it worse and it's ego feeding, which is her issue/insecurity or whatever.

[Scott Thomas]

Going 'blitz' implies that you take matters in your own hands and demand that she stop corresponding with the other man, come completely clean about her past indiscretion (might need a polygraph for this) and work on her marriage.

 

If you slept with another woman and chat with another, would she be alright with your actions?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Well our biggest blowup yet. She cried and i yelled. Told me she would give me the phone and passwords....she just wants an inkling of hope that this might help since I've always made it clear that's divorce was the only option.

 

However she does not see anything wrong with the Facebook messages with this new guy. Swore up and down that he was safe and she is just looking for a friend. Whatever....hard to believe though that she has the complete lack of common sense.

 

It's just so ****ing hard. Infidelity sucks so much. I crave normalcy.

 

She told you she would give up the phone and passwords. Did she say when she might do this?

 

She doesn't see anything wrong with her flirting with the new guy. You said "whatever." How was that left off? Is she willing to stop the flirting or even end that particular friendship if it bothers you?

[Owl]

OP, you've got a choice here.

 

You can choose to either invest the effort and hope into trying to help her change...to see that she's got crap boundaries, and that she must change those if she's going to remain in a relationship of any kind with you...and then put in the years of work it's going to take to get to recover your marriage......or you end it now and file for divorce.

 

Realize, I'm one who reconciled. I'm damn glad I did. Our marriage had an excellent foundation from which to rebuild.

 

But that doesn't mean you have to follow my path, or that it's even the right one for you.

 

YOU gotta decide that for yourself, based off your own experience, marital history, the kind of person she 'normally' is, etc...

 

If you truly think she's capable of 'getting it' and becoming the woman you want in a relationship...and you're willing to put forth years of effort....then you need to insist on marriage counseling with a therapist who specializes in recovering marriages from infidelity as a start. Read "Surviving an Affair", and "Not Just Friends" to start with, and insist that she do so too.

 

If you truly don't feel there's a relationship to recover here...then don't waste time and energy around anything but getting her out, and the divorce in motion.

[No Limit]

On the other hand, divorcing doesn't mean that you have to be away from your child for good. Won't see it daily, but ever or every second weekend you can still be there for him/her and once she's old enough to decide on her own that time might increase.

 

Personally, another red flag is her trying to force you into reconciling. Seems like a very desperate move to try and keep her backup plan which she knows is hanging by a thread.

 

But you're the only one to decide, and don't think of her at all when thinking about D or R, think of yourself. And don't let her talk about egoism, she's the one who threw it all away. And should you happen to find out that she's a serial cheater, maybe you should have the baby tested just to ensure it's really yours.

[Untouchable_Fire]

agree completely.

it just blows me away the lack of self awareness on her part. this is how the PA started.... friends with separated man, then slowly they inch towards to the PA.

 

You think she doesn't know what she is doing? I bet she does. It's just a more powerful need is driving her. She does not care for you or your child. She does not respect you, she does not love you. You cannot change that.

 

yes very much limbo. i'm torn. if it wasnt for my child i would have left.

yes NC. OM was married but left his wife. i asked every question about it that i could. got the timeline, etc.

 

It would be hard for me to leave my child in the care of such a woman. She clearly needs time and space to chase dick.

 

I'd say give her what she wants. I could find a better mother in a dumpster. I don't think it should take you long to find a better partner. Separate, and go for full custody with plenty of visitation for you STBx.

[Syco]

For what reason?

 

Uhm... as a consequence for still trying to contact OP's wife, after his 1 year affair has been revealed.

 

Nothing gets a man to back off, than having his sordid behavior exposed.

[Try]

she says that she has NC with the OM but i saw a call come in on her mobile phone from him while she was in the shower & i questioned her about it. she says he still calls but she doesn't answer. her phone is locked & she won't give me access until i commit to reconcilation.

Only one month after you discover that she had a long term affair, she will not give you full transpancy without complaint in order to try to earn your trust back? You tell her that it is up to you to decide if you will give her the gift of reconciliation, but that for you to even think about giving her a second chance, she needs to earn it by agreeing to total no contact with the other man and full transpancy including all passwords.

[Trep]

Even if she does hand over the passwords I can guarantee you if there was anything incriminating, it's been deleted by now. Probably why she didn't want to hand the passwords over in the first place, so she had time to go through and delete the naughty messages.

[burnside.rose]

Bolded. Why a guy? Why not a woman friend? She should NOT be befriending men since she doesn't understand boundaries and how to protect herself from getting too attached either emotionally or sexually.

 

You two have to go to marriage counseling, see how it goes. (She needs

 

Why a guy? i don't know. it's pretty stupid if you ask me.

 

would you go to marriage counseling even if i haven't committed to reconciling? or do you need to be committed to fixing it?

[burnside.rose]

She told you she would give up the phone and passwords. Did she say when she might do this?

 

She doesn't see anything wrong with her flirting with the new guy. You said "whatever." How was that left off? Is she willing to stop the flirting or even end that particular friendship if it bothers you?

 

she said she would but..... the fight ended so badly that i just stormed off, slammed doors, and left her crying on the stairs.

 

she said she would stop facebook messaging with the guy as well if i wanted her but again.....the anger got the best of me.

 

i've never been an angry person but the anger that comes out of me during this post DDay time is surprising.

 

she stayed at her sisters last night so i haven't seen her since then.

 

that being said....she changed her facebook password.

[burnside.rose]

OP, you've got a choice here.

.

 

thanks. i've got to do what's right for me.

[burnside.rose]

.

 

in that latest fight, she told me I wouldn't find anyone better than her.

Edited February 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Scott Thomas]

You are her husband, not her father. There's a 'terminate' button in this relationship. She's acting like a teenager. You can state your intention to reconcile if she agrees to your demands. If she doesn't agree or continues her actions then it's best that you file for divorce. I don't want to push you on or force you to choose something that you would rather avoid, but there's a limit to what you should be willing to tolerate.

[VeronicaRoss]

you're getting lots of good advice about handling your marriage.

 

I was a child of divorce. As my sister says "Their divorce wasn't our problem. It was just the people they married after that were the problem."

 

They basically went from bad to worse because both blamed their marriage problems on each other, and didn't once think to ask how they could grow up themselves.

 

Divorce isn't really going to solve the main problem: you and the way you let others treat you.

 

As others have mentioned you have some pretty significant trouble with boundaries and drawing lines when someone treats your poorly.

 

Please, whatever you do with the marriage, work with a competent therapist that will help you stand up for yourself. For you and your kid's sake. Because you can very easily hook up with another woman like this one.

 

Is she a sex addict? You might check that out. If she is, you would probably benefit from co-addict support groups which can be free 12 step type meetings.

[burnside.rose]

you're getting lots of good advice about handling your marriage.

 

I was a child of divorce. As my sister says "Their divorce wasn't our problem. It was just the people they married after that were the problem."

 

They basically went from bad to worse because both blamed their marriage problems on each other, and didn't once think to ask how they could grow up themselves.

 

Divorce isn't really going to solve the main problem: you and the way you let others treat you.

 

As others have mentioned you have some pretty significant trouble with boundaries and drawing lines when someone treats your poorly.

 

Please, whatever you do with the marriage, work with a competent therapist that will help you stand up for yourself. For you and your kid's sake. Because you can very easily hook up with another woman like this one.

 

Is she a sex addict? You might check that out. If she is, you would probably benefit from co-addict support groups which can be free 12 step type meetings.

 

You are right in large parts…I’ve never been happy with her friendships/interactions with guys. But I didn’t want to be controlling & tell her she could or couldn’t do anything. I see now that was a huge mistake on my part.

 

For example, I have a group of old friends from high school that we see once or twice a year at parties, & she clearly has a crush on one of them. Always asking if he is coming. Even my best friend & his wife had noticed & mentioned it to me. Nothing happened between them but I should have said something about how it made me uncomfortable but I didn’t.

 

If there is one thing I can take away from this big giant mess…..I need to communicate better. To everyone, my child, my friends, my family.

[Try]

If there is one thing I can take away from this big giant mess…..I need to communicate better.

Try communicating to your wife that without complete transpancy which includes all passwords, you do not beleive that she has ended her cheating, and that until you beleive that she has ended her cheating, you cannot even think about reconciliation. You should also communicate to her that it is all still so raw and new, that she needs to show real remorse and deal with the fact that you will be angry. Finally, you need to communicate that she alone decided to cheat, so you alone get to decide on reconciliation, and that she needs to give you full transpancy and show true remorse in helping you make that decsion.

[Scott Thomas]

So not even your friends are off-limits?

It's possible that she is a sex addict or has some serious issues.

Cheating multiple times.

No female friends but craves a man's attention.

Goes for your friends?

My hunch is that she'll need years of therapy (or someone like Tiger Woods) to knock some sense into her. I wouldn't waste my life on someone like her, and would file immediately. However, you have a family together so it's your decision. That being said, I wouldn't put it past her to remain faithful.

[burnside.rose]

So not even your friends are off-limits?

It's possible that she is a sex addict or has some serious issues.

Cheating multiple times.

No female friends but craves a man's attention.

Goes for your friends?

My hunch is that she'll need years of therapy (or someone like Tiger Woods) to knock some sense into her. I wouldn't waste my life on someone like her, and would file immediately. However, you have a family together so it's your decision. That being said, I wouldn't put it past her to remain faithful.

 

Maybe I’m wrong/naïve……but I think it’s more of a flaw in her awareness than actually consciously hitting on my friend with the hope of banging him (or other). I think she (somehow) has no idea of what is appropriate interaction for a married person with the opposite sex. She never considers that the flirting actually takes a different meaning to almost every guy (I think of the waitress who hits on a guy, guy thinks she into him & waitress just wants bigger tip). She’s sees it as harmless fun but to most everybody else…she’s giving off major signals.

 

Either way, it’s probably something that might not ever change in her or will take a tremendous amount of work on her part….which is something I have to consider.

 

This is exactly how the PA started…harmless flirting, the guy saw signals & stepped up his game (plied her with compliments, etc), she started sharing intimate moments & feelings, then boom….she has feelings for him, they kiss, etc.

 

Which is why her beginning this new friendship with that other guy is just perplexing to me. She clearly hasn’t learned.

[Scott Thomas]

So, do you have to adopt a carrot and stick policy, and treat her like a 5 year old who literally needs to be taught how to act or behave?

[burnside.rose]

it would appear that way, yes.

[Fluttershy]

thanks. i've got to do what's right for me.

 

Actually, you have to do what is right for you AND your children. And stay or go you are setting an example for your kids.

[Fluttershy]

Why a guy? i don't know. it's pretty stupid if you ask me.

 

would you go to marriage counseling even if i haven't committed to reconciling? or do you need to be committed to fixing it?

 

No you don't have to commit. And if your mC pushes you too... Find a new one. MC is just a last chance to see if things are salvagable. From your Pov your eife sounds very spoiled. But you also sound like you are unable at this point to just be firm and clear without losing your head and going postal. Which is understandable. But no matter what you decide it would be good to start working on keeping your cool for important discussions at times.