post affair - opposite sex friends

[burnside.rose]

I want to give you a thought.

 

Your wife still has all the power, because you've let her have it. SHE is telling you that she'll only open her phone if you choose to reconcile?!?!?!

 

Tell her that you REFUSE to consider jack until SHE starts demonstrating she's worth reconciling with...by voluntarily demonstrating her trustworthiness now.

 

If she won't...there's no point in even considering reconciliation with her.

 

If she agrees...she lives up to it, or she's out.

 

Stop letting her dictate things.

 

You are right. I didn’t care at first because in my mind I wanted the divorce. The lack of transparency sealed it.

 

However through IC, I’ve considered reconciliation but have not laid out any terms. I didn’t think of it the way you put it.

 

I told her I was getting a divorce & in her mind I still am, so she doesn’t feel she needs to prove anything if it’s done anyway.

 

The moment I considered reconciliation, I should have drawn the line in the sand.

[underwater2010]

I personally think that divorce is the right option for you. Once a cheater is busted...they have to prove that THEY are willing to do whatever it takes in order to keep the marriage together. She is NOT doing that. In fact she is acting like a stubborn teenager that knows they are doing wrong...but has to have all the privacy in order to do it.

[burnside.rose]

I also (naively) assumed that her common sense would tell her that it’s not OK to communicate with another guy like that 4 WEEKS AFTER DDAY. Clearly she has none.

Edited February 4, 2014 by burnside.rose

[bubbaganoosh]

 

she says that she has NC with the OM but i saw a call come in on her mobile phone from him while she was in the shower & i questioned her about it. she says he still calls but she doesn't answer. her phone is locked & she won't give me access until i commit to reconcilation.

 

If she won't give you access to her phone until you commit to an R, then what I would do is find a lawyer, and get the separation/divorce paper work completed, hand them to her and tell her to move on and there will be no talk of any kind of R until she hands over the phone.

 

What you have here is someone having an affair and still having to balls to dictate the conditions of the marriage and she knows that because there is a child involved, she's got you by the short hairs, so you have to call her bluff.

 

Read through the infidelity section and you'll see that there are a lot of guys who divorced and have kids. The kids survive because they know that dad will always be there and love them.

 

Another thing. I would let her fathers girlfriends son know that if he calls your wife again, then your going to blow a ton of smoke up his ass, and tell him in a way that he understands and let your father in law and his girlfriend know about it and let them know that trouble is a coming because of this.

 

Don't play games with any of them and if need be step on a few toes if you have to.

[Realist3]

This new guy just sent her another one….this is one is a flat-out invitation. She’s clearly given him some signals to illicit this type of communication from him.

 

Just wanted u to know that if u just need to blow off some steam and just get all ur feelings out, I'm a good listener.... Sometimes it's actually good to just talk, and if u'd like I can just listen and I won't give u advice... Lol....well anyhow hope ur day is going great! Talk to u soon !!

 

You have a big problem on your hands. I would wait to see how she responds.

[burnside.rose]

You have a big problem on your hands. I would wait to see how she responds.

 

exactly.

10 chars.

[Realist3]

Oh, and save those messages.

[burnside.rose]

i have every one.

 

i've kept everything from the keylogger as well.

 

the keylogger is how i busted her in the first place.

though she suspected it near the end of the A & stopped using the computer.

[Confused48]

Burnside - You should read this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Not her but you. You will see what she SHOULD have done if she wanted a second chance with you. Having not done any of it, I think she is a lost cause. But you know her better. If you think having her read it, after you do, then go ahead and give it a try. Best of luck whatever you decide.

[whichwayisup]

good to know

 

in our post DDay discussions, ive been strict about the NC but regarding the transparency...i asked for it. she didn't give it to me & in fact changed all passwords on me (i had a keylogger installed). i didn't press the issue because i felt all along that i was getting a D so what's the point. but she's asked me to consider R for the child, and was almost going to until finding these facebook messages to a new guy.

 

I bought her a laptop for Christmas (prior to Dday) and it’s in the box still unopened because she thinks I installed a keylogger on it (I didn’t).

 

All the more reason to think that she is up to no good. Ridiculous that she is not using the laptop in fear that you put a keylogger on it.

. her phone is locked & she won't give me access until i commit to reconcilation.

 

LOL she actually had the balls to say this to you and believe she is the one calling the shots? HELLO, she needs a big reality check! it's called "Honey, I am going to talk to a lawyer to start our divorce proceedings, just thought you'd like to know..." She hasn't suffered ANY consequences of her selfish choices - Nothing, and that is why she won't give up control, she thinks she can push you around and you'll cave to her all the time. She needs a kick in the butt to see what she is about to lose.

[lolablue17]

Tell her that if you wanted D, you would have done it already.

So, if you stay, it means that your want to try R. (you can change your mind tommorow)

It means full transparency starting now this very moment.

 

If she wants you to commit (what is that?). tell her that you cant guaranty anything because your are not a liar (like her).

If she doesnt give you all her passwords - tell her its over.

 

2. my guts tell me she will cheat on you in the future. again and again and again. Do what you feel.

[burnside.rose]

...

 

Not exactly what she said…but…

 

When I found out about the A I told it was over…get ready for divorce. However I still wanted disclosure & to know everything. I demanded access to her phone….she said “why should I give it to you if you are going to divorce me anyway”. I didn’t push the issue because in my mind divorce was the only way.

 

My IC, told me that if I am even remotely considered R that she needs to give me transparency now….not after. It will either help me to decide to stay or help me decide to go. It’s something I didn’t consider.

Edited February 4, 2014 by burnside.rose

[burnside.rose]

Tell her that if you wanted D, you would have done it already.

So, if you stay, it means that your want to try R. (you can change your mind tommorow)

It means full transparency starting now this very moment.

 

If she wants you to commit (what is that?). tell her that you cant guaranty anything because your are not a liar (like her).

If she doesnt give you all her passwords - tell her its over.

 

2. my guts tell me she will cheat on you in the future. again and again and again. Do what you feel.

 

about 2...its starting to feel that way. my IC had me exam her past (friendship) relationships with guys. and looking back a lot of them made me uncomfortable and at the very least showed me that she has track record with boundary issues.

[drifter777]

i have every one.

 

i've kept everything from the keylogger as well.

 

the keylogger is how i busted her in the first place.

though she suspected it near the end of the A & stopped using the computer.

Look, you are still in a state of shock and your cheating wife is doing absolutely nothing that will shake you out of it. She wants to reconcile? That's simply not true because she's still texting/sexting with other men. It's really not that far out to suggest she's sleeping with one of them. This is the end of the marriage you thought you had. It's dead so stop trying to revive it. For some it is possible to start a new relationship after infidelity but without a remorseful wife sticking to NC and willing to do anything to repair the damage she has done it's not going to happen.

 

If your IC is working with you toward trying reconciliation I can only assume that deep down this is what you want right now. If not then ask him why he is manipulating you toward continuing on this horribly destructive path. I have no idea how many kids the two of you have together, but I do have an idea of how much the children complicate your emotions. You have to believe that you can continue to be a great dad without living with your kids mother. In fact, the high drama and gut-wrenching emotional expressions they are going to live with if you stay is probably more damaging to them.

 

Get the separation. File for divorce ASAP. If your wife is ever going to be shaken out of her fantasy, cake-eating world you need to take control and show her just what the consequences of her choices are going to bring. Be strong and do what's best for you and your children. You know what that is.

[Spark1111]

PS: Hurry up and return that computer you bought her a Christmas, the one that is still in the box.

 

you will need money to file for separation.

[burnside.rose]

Look, you are still in a state of shock and your cheating wife is doing absolutely nothing that will shake you out of it. She wants to reconcile? That's simply not true because she's still texting/sexting with other men. It's really not that far out to suggest she's sleeping with one of them. This is the end of the marriage you thought you had. It's dead so stop trying to revive it. For some it is possible to start a new relationship after infidelity but without a remorseful wife sticking to NC and willing to do anything to repair the damage she has done it's not going to happen.

 

If your IC is working with you toward trying reconciliation I can only assume that deep down this is what you want right now. If not then ask him why he is manipulating you toward continuing on this horribly destructive path. I have no idea how many kids the two of you have together, but I do have an idea of how much the children complicate your emotions. You have to believe that you can continue to be a great dad without living with your kids mother. In fact, the high drama and gut-wrenching emotional expressions they are going to live with if you stay is probably more damaging to them.

 

Get the separation. File for divorce ASAP. If your wife is ever going to be shaken out of her fantasy, cake-eating world you need to take control and show her just what the consequences of her choices are going to bring. Be strong and do what's best for you and your children. You know what that is.

 

I have no idea if she’s NC with the OM. I do know he called on her phone when she was in the shower.

 

It’s this other guy, that now she somehow thinks it’s OK to send “good morning have a nice day” messages to. I couldn’t think of one person that I would send a message like that to…(my mom, my brother, friends, etc).

 

I don’t believe that the IC is steering me one way or the other. I told him why I’m there & that it is to help me with my decision to stay or go. We talk about both sides equally.

[burnside.rose]

PS: Hurry up and return that computer you bought her a Christmas, the one that is still in the box.

 

you will need money to file for separation.

 

ha. i was just about to open it last night & claim it as my own.

[Fluttershy]

Burnside - You should read this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Not her but you. You will see what she SHOULD have done if she wanted a second chance with you. Having not done any of it, I think she is a lost cause. But you know her better. If you think having her read it, after you do, then go ahead and give it a try. Best of luck whatever you decide.

 

I disagree, e should show her. Being remorseful is oen thing but actially knowing how to act and what boundaries are is another. She sounds spoiled and young. Even if OP chooses to go he should commuicate what she is lacking as a remorseful spouse and hand this to her. She may disregard it. But at least he lead her to the water.

[oldshirt]

Like the others have said, she has no respect, admiration or desire for you and is basically completely in control of the marriage so she is letting you live in the basement while she has her fun with whoever she pleases. She sees you as a girlfriend and roommate as opposed to a real man and husband.

[drifter777]

I have no idea if she’s NC with the OM. I do know he called on her phone when she was in the shower.

You may not know but you have to have some idea. Him calling her phone may not prove anything, but her refusing to give you access to that phone is a pretty big red flag.

It’s this other guy, that now she somehow thinks it’s OK to send “good morning have a nice day” messages to. I couldn’t think of one person that I would send a message like that to…(my mom, my brother, friends, etc).

Yeah - with her track record this would kill me too. Why do you accept her inappropriate, disrespectful behavior? Moving into your man-cave is hardly showing her the consequences of her behavior.

I don’t believe that the IC is steering me one way or the other. I told him why I’m there & that it is to help me with my decision to stay or go. We talk about both sides equally.

It's good to hear that your IC is helping you come to decisions on your own. Have you asked him straight up how you can hope to reconcile with a non-repentant cheater who continues to contact men in a flirty, suggesting manner?

[burnside.rose]

You may not know but you have to have some idea. Him calling her phone may not prove anything, but her refusing to give you access to that phone is a pretty big red flag.

 

Yeah - with her track record this would kill me too. Why do you accept her inappropriate, disrespectful behavior? Moving into your man-cave is hardly showing her the consequences of her behavior.

 

It's good to hear that your IC is helping you come to decisions on your own. Have you asked him straight up how you can hope to reconcile with a non-repentant cheater who continues to contact men in a flirty, suggesting manner?

 

the phone call from the OM really sent me into headspin. and i'm glad now because it drove me to dig & now see these FB messages with another guy.

 

ive only been to 3 sessions but he laid it out in the last one....that transparency is a must with or without reconcilation. we talked about the messages from the other guy. i haven't ask him that directly.

 

you are all right. i need to tell her to unlock everything or its over. even considering reconciliation without it is moot.

[drifter777]

the phone call from the OM really sent me into headspin. and i'm glad now because it drove me to dig & now see these FB messages with another guy.

 

ive only been to 3 sessions but he laid it out in the last one....that transparency is a must with or without reconcilation. we talked about the messages from the other guy. i haven't ask him that directly.

 

you are all right. i need to tell her to unlock everything or its over. even considering reconciliation without it is moot.

Make her understand this is the only chance she has to get you to even consider reconciliation.

[Scott Thomas]

1. Slept with another man.

2. Refuses transparency.

3. 'Forces' you to reconcile.

4. Starts another EA.

5. Initiates contact with other men to discuss, well whatever it is that she's discussing.

6. No remorse.

 

Why haven't you kicked her out yet? What're you waiting for? She'll cheat again.

 

If I were you, I would go blitz on her.

[Fluttershy]

1. Slept with another man.

2. Refuses transparency.

3. 'Forces' you to reconcile.

4. Starts another EA.

5. Initiates contact with other men to discuss, well whatever it is that she's discussing.

6. No remorse.

 

Why haven't you kicked her out yet? What're you waiting for? She'll cheat again.

 

If I were you, I would go blitz on her.

 

I don't really know what "blitz" means. But t doesn't sound good and I wouldn't do it if it means ruin her. She is still the mother of your child. And because of that keeping the relatiomship as amicable as possible will benefit yor daughter. Even if she doesn't your daughter will still have you as a good role model. And that doesn't mean staying on her terms. It means being clear, communicative and business like.

[Syco]

Post the OM on cheaterville.com You have proof so do it. Then you can send the link exposing him to his work colleagues, family etc.