Do I tell the OM wife?

[SoleMate]

Regarding the wife of the MM who had the affair with OP's wife: OP is considering informing her about the affair 12 years ago. This is an info that may destroy her life. So I'm trying to know how this info will affect this women by wondering "Are they happy in their marriage? Do they have kids? How old are their kids? Is someone in the family maybe sick? Have they gone through some sad events in life? Do they really seem close?". Knowing these answers may help me understand how much impact this info will have to her.

I do see your point, Iguanna, and I know you're not the only one that feels this way.

 

However, I'd like to point out that unless possible informant knows the OBS very well, the informant can't possibly know all her/his values and desires with respect to marriage vows, let alone personal situation with health, finances, family situation, special needs, etc. unless you hired an investigator. Just relying on word of mouth (especially if passed via one or more APs) is worse than useless for such review.

 

ONE CAN'T POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT THE BS WOULD PREFER OR HOW THIS WOULD AFFECT HER/HIM. Pardon the Caps Lock, but I would like everyone to think about that. Don't make the mistake of thinking this is reasonably knowable. So your decision must be made based on other factors like:

 

1) Is it important for me personally as a BS (say) to share this info? Golden Rule etc.

 

2) Do I believe that most people want to know and that it is therefore statistically probable that this BS (as a member of the population) wants to know?

 

3) Do I want the extra A-busting security of an informed OBS?

 

4) Am I ready and willing to cope with the possible blowback, knowing it can come from either AP? (Also in theory from the BS, but tbh I have never heard of an OBS blowing up on the informing BS.)

 

5) Am I ready and willing to cope up other unforeseen consequences? job, family, neighbors etc.

 

THAT's the right way to make the decision. Not by arrogating yourself the role of guardian ad litem (i.e. legal protector and decision maker for a minor or incompetent person) to the OBS.

[Iguanna]

Most of my anger has been directed towards my wife. However, I will not let this guy get the last laugh or think he got away with something. He was a willing participant. He was also married. They both knew right from wrong.

His wife deserves the truth. I know of 4 people that already knew about my wifes affair and none of them told me. Those people are now out of my life. How could they not tell me something so important? Ive talked to them many times face to face throughout 12 years and they knew my wifes little secret but neglected to tell me.

Am I doing this to destroy her? NO. I am doing this to let HIM know that I know. Whatever happens in their marriage happens. If he has changed over 12 years then his wife will know and she can make the decision on what to do.

 

So you are angry towards your wife, but you stopped talking to people who knew and you forgave your wife. Right. For me this is hypocritical to the extreme point. If you think you lived in a lie for 12 years, punish your wife! This man may be a jerk but at the end of the day he was now the one who knew you and loved you, your wife was! These 4 people who knew may be wrong for not telling you, but still they were not the ones who screwed another man when promising they loved you, your wife was! In the other thread you were mad when we pointed out that your wife is a serial cheater and you should not forgive her - lets not forget you caught her sexting another man! You decided to forgive only your wife and get all your anger (that you can't direct to your wife) to other people.

Edited December 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nabelp]

So you are angry towards your wife, but you stopped talking to people who knew and you forgave your wife. Right. For me this is hypocritical to the extreme point. If you think you lived in a lie for 12 years, punish your wife! This man may be a jerk but at the end of the day he was now the one who knew you and loved you, your wife was! These 4 people who knew may be wrong for not telling you, but still they were not the ones who screwed another man when promising they loved you, your wife was! In the other thread you were mad when we pointed out that your wife is a serial cheater and you should not forgive her - lets not forget you caught her sexting another man! You decided to forgive only your wife and get all your anger (that you can't direct to your wife) to other people.

 

 

I appreciate your opinion. I have not forgiven my wife at all yet nor do I know if I ever will. I decided to give myself time to see if there is something to reconcile. I never said that I am staying with my wife 100%. You are right...my wife was the one screwing another man. Its all her fault. I know this. My wife IS a serial cheater. I know that too. My anger is toward her, the OM, people that knew and even God. I am not scared of my wife at all. Finding another woman? Really? So its like going to the grocery store and buying another gallon of milk? Forgive me if I do not know the protocol of what to do when you find out your wife is F***king another man...whether it was 12 years ago or yesterday. I have never been in this situation before. I am learning as I go....right or wrong, I will do whatever makes me feel better.

Edited December 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I appreciate your opinion. I have not forgiven my wife at all yet nor do I know if I ever will. I decided to give myself time to see if there is something to reconcile. I never said that I am staying with my wife 100%. You are right...my wife was the one screwing another man. Its all her fault. I know this. My wife IS a serial cheater. I know that too. My anger is toward her, the OM, people that knew and even God. I am not scared of my wife at all. Finding another woman? Really? So its like going to the grocery store and buying another gallon of milk? Forgive me if I do not know the protocol of what to do when you find out your wife is F***king another man...whether it was 12 years ago or yesterday. I have never been in this situation before. I am learning as I go....right or wrong, I will do whatever makes me feel better.

 

You are processing this the best way you can. I don't care how many books you read, people you talk to or forums you post on, we all individually have to make our own way in these situations. This is fresh for you - like it happened yesterday. You have the right to take your time and make a decision to stay and reconcile or not - it's up to you. Your wife has that same right, but it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.

 

I am still of a mind you need to tell the other BS and then you need to have a "come to Jesus (or Buddha or whatever)" meeting with your wife and decide what path the two of you are taking. Are you going to begin recovery? Or are you splitting up? Neither road is easy. Both require fortitude and strength.

[road]

So you are angry towards your wife, but you stopped talking to people who knew and you forgave your wife. Right. For me this is hypocritical.

 

 

 

People that enabled the affair are not friends of the marriage.

People that knew about the affair and did not tell were not friends of the marriage.

 

 

These friends are in reality toxic friends. All toxic must be gone. NC with them because the BS will never know if these toxic friends will do the IC to fix what is broken in them.

 

 

These toxic friends can not show how they are/have done the work to repair the broken trust. No trust = no friendship.

[road]

I appreciate your opinion. I have not forgiven my wife at all yet nor do I know if I ever will. I decided to give myself time to see if there is something to reconcile. I never said that I am staying with my wife 100%. You are right...my wife was the one screwing another man. Its all her fault. I know this. My wife IS a serial cheater. I know that too. My anger is toward her, the OM, people that knew and even God. I am not scared of my wife at all. Finding another woman? Really? So its like going to the grocery store and buying another gallon of milk? Forgive me if I do not know the protocol of what to do when you find out your wife is F***king another man...whether it was 12 years ago or yesterday. I have never been in this situation before. I am learning as I go....right or wrong, I will do whatever makes me feel better.

 

 

 

Time for talking is over.

 

 

Time to man up and expose.

[Iguanna]

People that enabled the affair are not friends of the marriage.

People that knew about the affair and did not tell were not friends of the marriage.

 

These friends are in reality toxic friends. All toxic must be gone. NC with them

 

So the friends who knew and didn't tell are toxic and they should be gone and the wife who was actually having the affair and she is still found sexting other guys should stay. Does this even make sense? I'm not defending the friends who knew, I'm accusing the wife.

 

OP can you explain to us the reasons why you chose to forgive your (still cheating and liar for 12 years) wife?