Do I tell the OM wife?

[nabelp]

Road, with all respect (and I mean that) taking an action after many years that can destroy a family is not something to be done lightly. The OP will gain NOTHING from exposing the affair to the OM's wife. But it has a reasonable chance to blow up the OM's family. He may deserve that, but does his wife deserve it after all these years? His kids?

 

I myself would not do it. My advice to anyone seriously thinking of doing it after 12 years would be to do a bit of spying and find out what is, in fact, going on with the OM and his family. For all anyone knows he's divorced and moved to Alaska. Then and only then would I decide.

 

I know a lot about this couple through the internet. Its amazing what the internet will tell you if you dig deep. They are still married. Facebook is great for spying. I know where they live, how much they bought the house for, I know her birthday, his birthday, their kids birthdays, what kind of cars they drive, his police record, her police record, where their kids go to school, their kids names, that they filed for bankruptcy on March 30, 2012 and I even found a phone number to their oldest sons cell phone.

[manticore]

Hi nabelp

 

I strongly encourage you to share the information with OMW.

 

this kind of men, many times have multiple affairs during their marriages ( and with the kind of record you described most likely your wife was not the first or the last), they are also very good at hiding their affairs, and the wives are constantly in emotional and mental distress because OM treat them as crazy jealous and make them doubt of their own insticts, as they said WS is Gaslighting the BS.

 

Gaslighting - Named after a play and 1944 film with Ingrid Bergman. Gaslighting is when the WS will make their BS doubt their own memory and make them feel crazy for believing what would be obvious to most. The BS will want to believe their spouse so much that the WS will be able lie and twist things around so much that the BS will question themselves and feel guilty for making accusations or spying, even when the proof is next to undeniable. This is why most will recommend that the BS obtain irrefutable proof of the affair.

 

is true that for your relationship OM is no longer a factor, he probably is a player who moved to other women, but for his wife you will be doing her a great favor finally letting her know that what she always thought was the truth and that she was not crazy.

 

I have read of many cases where the OMW thanks profusely the BH because she finally have real evidence of the true she always knew but never was able to prove.

 

sometimes even gave them the strenght to leave these men that are toxic for them.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Do I tell the OM wife?

 

Of COURSE NOT - what in the **** are you thinking?

 

 

 

Can someone tell me what to do? Does she really have a right to know?

 

 

 

She has "the right NOT to know".

 

 

And the fact that your wife had no business screwing him does not allow that you have any business inserting yourself into their marriage/relationship.

 

Not to mention the fact that it has been, oh, TWELVE YEARS!!!

[manticore]

Of COURSE NOT - what in the **** are you thinking?

 

 

 

 

 

 

She has "the right NOT to know".

 

 

And the fact that your wife had no business screwing him does not allow that you have any business inserting yourself into their marriage/relationship.

 

Not to mention the fact that it has been, oh, TWELVE YEARS!!!

 

 

this is the most bizarre answer that I have read in all my years lurking in infidelity fórums.

 

"She has "the right NOT to know"".

 

really?, really?

 

almost all people you ask if they want to know if they are being betrayed or have been betrayed for their partners all respond yes, in fact I don't know nobody in real life that had answered no, I wonder if you have no problem living a lie?

 

again as I stated before I have read alot of situation about contactiong AP's spouse and in most cases (I have to say more than 90%) the AP spouse is hurt but grateful of being informed, and in the Little amount where they are nit that pleasant they just say that they understan the BS pain but please don't contact them again.

 

now, this ridiculous statement

 

"And the fact that your wife had no business screwing him does not allow that you have any business inserting yourself into their marriage/relationship."

 

so you are inserting yourself in someone else marriage by informing AP spouse the truth, AP did not insert himself in the marriage/relationship by nailing his wife?

 

what a funny way of reasoning, I wonder how many BS will agree with you?

[findingnemo]

Of COURSE NOT - what in the **** are you thinking?

 

 

 

 

 

 

She has "the right NOT to know".

 

 

And the fact that your wife had no business screwing him does not allow that you have any business inserting yourself into their marriage/relationship.

 

Not to mention the fact that it has been, oh, TWELVE YEARS!!!

 

Seriously???? So how does the fact that this happened 12 years ago make it easier to swallow? I would think it makes much harder. As for people inserting themselves in other peoples' Ms, well...that happened 12 years ago to nabelp.

[turnera]

Road, with all respect (and I mean that) taking an action after many years that can destroy a family is not something to be done lightly. The OP will gain NOTHING from exposing the affair to the OM's wife. But it has a reasonable chance to blow up the OM's family.

Or, if he's truly that awful, it may give his wife the courage she needs to end a fake, unhealthy marriage. She deserves to know the truth. Telling her isn't always about giving yourself a benefit or extracting revenge.

[turnera]

In all my years of doing this, I've only seen two BWs who didn't want to know. And that was only because they enjoyed the life they had built up in the marriage and didn't want to be pressured to give it up. It wasn't because they'd hate their husband or be hurt. They already pretty much assumed. And had decided to stay anyway.

[nabelp]

After much thought, I have decided to blow up his world. The letter goes out tomorrow after I confirmed where they now live. The internet is amazing for finding out stuff. No one is private anymore.

My wife obviously does not want me to do this but said she is willing to accept anything that is thrown her way to make it right.

[Iguanna]

After much thought, I have decided to blow up his world. The letter goes out tomorrow after I confirmed where they now live. The internet is amazing for finding out stuff. No one is private anymore.

My wife obviously does not want me to do this but said she is willing to accept anything that is thrown her way to make it right.

 

Do you expect us to congratulate you for destroying a family? Some Christmas spirit!

[thummper]

After much thought, I have decided to blow up his world. The letter goes out tomorrow after I confirmed where they now live. The internet is amazing for finding out stuff. No one is private anymore.

My wife obviously does not want me to do this but said she is willing to accept anything that is thrown her way to make it right.

What a wonderful example of the Christmas spirit, spreading joy and goodwill to everyone. (If you don't recognize that as sarcasm, shame on you!) I can definitely see informing her AT THE TIME OF THE AFFAIR, but, honestly, twelve years later?! I can understand your anger and wanting to spread that anger to the OM, but why destroy this lady now? I have no idea how he's behaved in the intervening years, but giving him the benefit of the doubt, if he's really tried to be a good and faithful husband to his BW, why blow up their world at this time. The idea, while obviously popular with some on this forum, leaves me cold. How in the h3ll does breaking her heart "make it right" in your eyes?

[manticore]

congratulations for doing the right thing, and giving to this woman the gift of the truth, she has the right to know what kind of man she married, but as Turnera said she probably already had suspicions and you are just confirming them

[manticore]

What a wonderful example of the Christmas spirit, spreading joy and goodwill to everyone. (If you don't recognize that as sarcasm, shame on you!) I can definitely see informing her AT THE TIME OF THE AFFAIR, but, honestly, twelve years later?! I can understand your anger and wanting to spread that anger to the OM, but why destroy this lady now? I have no idea how he's behaved in the intervening years, but giving him the benefit of the doubt, if he's really tried to be a good and faithful husband to his BW, why blow up their world at this time. The idea, while obviously popular with some on this forum, leaves me cold. How in the h3ll does breaking her heart "make it right" in your eyes?

 

I have nothing against you, but I advice you to read more about cheating bahaviour and serial cheaters, and also about BS reactions, unless OMW is happy living in denial she will be grateful for the information, and if his husband is not a first time offender (which is possible) he maybe be giving her the resources and information to finally leave a bad marriage.

 

another thing I advice users from any forum (I am not a regular from this forum but I have over thousands posts in other forums), is always read the full story of the user and any other threads to try to udnestand his/her psyque and circumstances.

 

"I can definitely see informing her AT THE TIME OF THE AFFAIR, but, honestly, twelve years later?!"

 

he just found out recently, so he could not expose the affair to the involved parties until now that he have the information

 

"I have no idea how he's behaved in the intervening years, but giving him the benefit of the doubt, if he's really tried to be a good and faithful husband to his BW"

 

the affair lasted around 4 years, this OM persued his wife even when they were no longer coworkers, and she keep persuing her even whe she tried to break the affair over the years, looking for her in her luch breaks even years after they stopped working together

 

does that sound like a one time mistake of a faithful and reformed husband?

 

the only thing I agree with you is:

 

"why blow up their world at this time."

 

it seems cruel but in the end is result and consequences of his actions, after all wasn't OM cruel presuing his wife in special dates and event during those 4 years, sure it give him the thrill, but what a disgusting act towards other man's family.

 

" How in the h3ll does breaking her heart "make it right" in your eyes?"

 

again I advice you to educate yourself more about the subject, there a forums like TAM where is common ocurrence contacting the OMW/OWH and they are almost in all cases grateful, hurt but grateful.

[thummper]

I have nothing against you, but I advice you to read more about cheating bahaviour and serial cheaters, and also about BS reactions, unless OMW is happy living in denial she will be grateful for the information, and if his husband is not a first time offender (which is possible) he maybe be giving her the resources and information to finally leave a bad marriage.

 

another thing I advice users from any forum (I am not a regular from this forum but I have over thousands posts in other forums), is always read the full story of the user and any other threads to try to udnestand his/her psyque and circumstances.

 

"I can definitely see informing her AT THE TIME OF THE AFFAIR, but, honestly, twelve years later?!"

 

he just found out recently, so he could not expose the affair to the involved parties until now that he have the information

 

"I have no idea how he's behaved in the intervening years, but giving him the benefit of the doubt, if he's really tried to be a good and faithful husband to his BW"

 

the affair lasted around 4 years, this OM persued his wife even when they were no longer coworkers, and she keep persuing her even whe she tried to break the affair over the years, looking for her in her luch breaks even years after they stopped working together

 

does that sound like a one time mistake of a faithful and reformed husband?

 

the only thing I agree with you is:

 

"why blow up their world at this time."

 

it seems cruel but in the end is result and consequences of his actions, after all wasn't OM cruel presuing his wife in special dates and event during those 4 years, sure it give him the thrill, but what a disgusting act towards other man's family.

 

" How in the h3ll does breaking her heart "make it right" in your eyes?"

 

again I advice you to educate yourself more about the subject, there a forums like TAM where is common ocurrence contacting the OMW/OWH and they are almost in all cases grateful, hurt but grateful.

I

I have no need to "educate" myself on this subject. I already know quite a bit about infidelity. " ...they are in almost all cases grateful." If that isn't a glittering generality then I've never seen one...and believe me, at my age, I've seen plenty. Somehow I doubt that almost all cases are "grateful" for the information. Will she be grateful that she's been told? I don't know, but there is every chance that she will NOT be grateful. That's a pretty hefty responsibility to take on yourself, to interfere in someone else's life because YOU think they should know. I've seen a lot of good advice in your posts since I've started reading here, but you should understand that you're not infallible. I just hope the damage that this poor woman is going to suffer doesn't permanently affect her. Will this have the effect of making her suspicious of ALL men. We're not all cheaters.

[manticore]

but you should understand that you're not infallible.

 

Agreed, nobody is, and much less when we speak about human behaviour, we can detect and reationalize patterns but every human have his own world vision, so even under the same circumstances some humans can react different to the great majority.

 

even so, talking about odds the assumption should be done taking in consideration how most humans react or bahave under already studied patterns.

 

 

so what confuse me here is why you assume the best escenario and defend it as if it were a fact?

 

best scenario for him as human being: after 4 years of cheating with a coworker/excoworker and after the excoworker finally broke the affair and they even insulted each other in the phone, he reflected in his actions turned around his life a become the husband his wife deserved, faihtful and loyal from that moment until today

 

(for me this scenario sounds the most unlikely of all)

 

lets be honest, we are talking about the character of a man who fooled around 4 years with somebody else's wife, why you assume he changed?, he has proved to be a man without morals who does not care about destroying someone else family.

 

I think my question here for you is why you think this woman is happy in this marriage?

 

if as you say you are educated in this subject you know already that the OM who are agressors and have affairs during long time periods are normally serial cheaters, and once they end one affair jump in other, you probably also know that they are very good at hiding evidence of their paramours and their wives already know or suspect of previous affairs, and they are waiting for the final drop (evidence sometimes) to finally get rid of this toxics influences of their lives (unless as I mentioned before she accepts living in denial).

 

my question here is, why you assume she lives under the most improbable scenario (she being blissfuly happy and ignorant having a perfect reformed husband) instead of the one who fits better the character of a agressor OM ?

Edited December 26, 2013 by manticore

[manticore]

 

"why blow up their world at this time."

 

it seems cruel but in the end is result and consequences of his actions, after all wasn't OM cruel presuing his wife in special dates and event during those 4 years, sure it give him the thrill, but what a disgusting act towards other man's family.

 

 

when I wrote, it seems cruel, I mean doing it in CTM, not revealing it now 12 years later, I support 100% his decission.

[thummper]

Agreed, nobody is, and much less when we speak about human behaviour, we can detect and reationalize patterns but every human have his own world vision, so even under the same circumstances some humans can react different to the great majority.

 

even so, talking about odds the assumption should be done taking in consideration how most humans react or bahave under already studied patterns.

 

 

so what confuse me here is why you assume the best escenario and defend it as if it were a fact?

 

best scenario for him as human being: after 4 years of cheating with a coworker/excoworker and after the excoworker finally broke the affair and they even insulted each other in the phone, he reflected in his actions turned around his life a become the husband his wife deserved, faihtful and loyal from that moment until today

 

(for me this scenario sounds the most unlikely of all)

 

lets be honest, we are talking about the character of a man who fooled around 4 years with somebody else's wife, why you assume he changed?, he has proved to be a man without morals who does not care about destroying someone else family.

 

I think my question here for you is why you think this woman is happy in this marriage?

 

if as you say you are educated in this subject you know already that the OM who are agressors and have affairs during long time periods are normally serial cheaters, and once they end one affair jump in other, you probably also know that they are very good at hiding evidence of their paramours and their wives already know or suspect of previous affairs, and they are waiting for the final drop (evidence sometimes) to finally get rid of this toxics influences of their lives (unless as I mentioned before she accepts living in denial).

 

my question here is, why you assume she lives under the most improbable scenario (she being blissfuly happy and ignorant having a perfect reformed husband) instead of the one who fits better the character of a agressor OM ?

Your points are well-taken. I sometimes believe the best in people, even when I'm not sure they deserve it. As to the BS, I have no idea if she is happy or not. I hope for her sake and the sake of her children that she is. I'd like to believe that her WH has "seen the error of his ways" and is taking his marriage vows to heart now. Better late than never, I guess. I'm the kind that likes to see the silver lining and hopes that people's good sides will eventually win out. That's probably just wishful thinking, but at Christmas time I can hope for the best for everyone. Thanks for your comments.

[Oldspiceywolf]

If he didn't want his wife finding out he was a cheater he should not have cheated!

Send that!

It's neither right not wrong it's just an action OP has to take and if that's what he needs to make this right with himself the. He should do it.

 

This guy banged his wife and went back to having his own happy family. He dug his own grave, at least he got a 12 year reprieve.

 

This guy could have also disclosed to his wife, he didn't, he's a liar and a cheat and deserves what he gets, sorry to his family, he shouldn't have treated them so carelessly.

[Iguanna]

the OM who are agressors and have affairs during long time periods are normally serial cheaters, and once they end one affair jump in other, you probably also know that they are very good at hiding evidence of their paramours and their wives already know or suspect of previous affairs, and they are waiting for the final drop (evidence sometimes) to finally get rid of this toxics influences of their lives (unless as I mentioned before she accepts living in denial).

 

A woman almost always knows. If you are close to your husband and you spend some time together every day, even if your day is full with jobs, kids, housework etc, you will notice some difference. More so if this particular man is also a serial cheater as you said. So you accept this woman knows or suspects and she is looking for evidence. I don't buy it. If you want evidence you hire a private investigator and you have your evidence. If you want to act drastically about it, you just do. If you are secure that you can manage if you divorce cause you are rich or have a good job and people to help you with kids etc, you pursue a divorce. This woman didn't do any of these things. This doesn't necessarily mean that she is in denial. We can't jump to conclusions about people cause they don't do what we would do in their shoes. She may very well know what her husband is but she may have decided that the benefits of staying are more than if she had left. She may love him. She may have no sources to help her children. Does this make her weak? Maybe for some people. Who are we to judge?

 

I will bet that if OP tells this woman about the affair, she will tell him she doesn't care. I don't see her divorcing him. I'm also disgusted with the reason that OP wants to inform the other BS for: to make her suffer as he suffers.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Put me down in the column of those who would want to know if my spouse cheated on me. Even if it was 12 years ago. I would be thankful to know the truth about my own life, and I would want to be told, no matter the reason you were telling.

[nabelp]

What a wonderful example of the Christmas spirit, spreading joy and goodwill to everyone. (If you don't recognize that as sarcasm, shame on you!) I can definitely see informing her AT THE TIME OF THE AFFAIR, but, honestly, twelve years later?! I can understand your anger and wanting to spread that anger to the OM, but why destroy this lady now? I have no idea how he's behaved in the intervening years, but giving him the benefit of the doubt, if he's really tried to be a good and faithful husband to his BW, why blow up their world at this time. The idea, while obviously popular with some on this forum, leaves me cold. How in the h3ll does breaking her heart "make it right" in your eyes?

 

 

If I would've know at the time of the affair, I would've done the same thing. 12 years is yesterday to me. I lost 12 Christmas' because they were all a lie. Do I wait til January around Martin Luther King Day or maybe February around Valentines Day? March or April around Easter time? May around Memorial Day? Is there ever a good time to let someone know the truth?

Most of my anger has been directed towards my wife. However, I will not let this guy get the last laugh or think he got away with something. He was a willing participant. He was also married. They both knew right from wrong.

His wife deserves the truth. I know of 4 people that already knew about my wifes affair and none of them told me. Those people are now out of my life. How could they not tell me something so important? Ive talked to them many times face to face throughout 12 years and they knew my wifes little secret but neglected to tell me.

Am I doing this to destroy her? NO. I am doing this to let HIM know that I know. Whatever happens in their marriage happens. If he has changed over 12 years then his wife will know and she can make the decision on what to do.

You are entitled to your opinion though and I respect that. This is mine.

[road]

If he didn't want his wife finding out he was a cheater he should not have cheated!

Send that!

 

 

Old advice never say, do, write, anything that you would not want on the front page of the newspaper.

 

 

There is no expiration date for the truth and exposure.

 

 

Expose ASAP.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

If I would've know at the time of the affair, I would've done the same thing. 12 years is yesterday to me. I lost 12 Christmas' because they were all a lie. Do I wait til January around Martin Luther King Day or maybe February around Valentines Day? March or April around Easter time? May around Memorial Day? Is there ever a good time to let someone know the truth?

Most of my anger has been directed towards my wife. However, I will not let this guy get the last laugh or think he got away with something. He was a willing participant. He was also married. They both knew right from wrong.

His wife deserves the truth. I know of 4 people that already knew about my wifes affair and none of them told me. Those people are now out of my life. How could they not tell me something so important? Ive talked to them many times face to face throughout 12 years and they knew my wifes little secret but neglected to tell me.

Am I doing this to destroy her? NO. I am doing this to let HIM know that I know. Whatever happens in their marriage happens. If he has changed over 12 years then his wife will know and she can make the decision on what to do.

You are entitled to your opinion though and I respect that. This is mine.

 

As most people know from my posts, I am not in favor of widespread exposure - I believe it does more damage than good. I believe that they need to be handled quietly and discreetly within the parties involved. However, in this case, I don't feel as if you have an option. There are already people other than the parties involved that know which means that most likely you can double that number and that's how many people know (people talk because they have mouths). Now to be fair, most people think they are doing the right thing by protecting you from the knowledge - they have good intentions. Then there are others that just don't have a clue.

 

I think, even though you are very angry right now (rightfully so), you need to really be careful in your approach to the OM's spouse. If she has no clue, then she will react as you did. You also might found out that she already knows (this truthfully angered my husband more than anything - that my xmom's wife knew and she continued to dine in our house, go to dinner with us, hang out, etc and never told him - and she was his friend).

 

Find a time to meet with Hera and tell her - face to face. It is the right thing to do no matter what the end result is.

[ThatMan]

Please be stay safe. There are no guarantees should you ever decide to meet in person. You never know what you're walking into or who you'll meet. Infidelity is one of the most common motives behind murder and there's no sort abundance of crime documentaries on the topic.

 

The other man may blame you for the consequences of his own actions. His wife may do the same. You should not consider her to be above promptly assaulting you once you break the news in person. You do not need a criminal history should the police show up during a fight and arrest you.

 

I think the letter is more appropriate.

Edited December 26, 2013 by ThatMan

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Also one other thought. Secrets do not stay secrets. It has taken 12 years for you to discover this - 12 years! Secrets always come out eventually. What happens if 5 years down the road she discovers it and comes to you (after you have been in recovery for 5 years) and now everything is fresh again?

 

Get it out - deal with it - make decisions about your life and what you want to do - move on in honesty. It's the only way to live authentically.

[harrybrown]

Thank you for telling the OM's wife. I wish someone had let me know about my wife and her OM or OMs