Do I tell the OM wife?

[road]

I don't know what you mean. You confused me a bit.

 

I will explain better. Regarding the OP's wife who cheated 12 years ago. If she has been a good mother and wife for these 12 years, I'm not saying the mistake is forgiven (I don't even know her) but it will count for her favor. As it seems the OP has chosen to forgive her and work on his marriage which means he has counted her good attributes. That's one thing.

 

Regarding the wife of the MM who had the affair with OP's wife: OP is considering informing her about the affair 12 years ago. This is an info that may destroy her life. So I'm trying to know how this info will affect this women by wondering "Are they happy in their marriage? Do they have kids? How old are their kids? Is someone in the family maybe sick? Have they gone through some sad events in life? Do they really seem close?". Knowing these answers may help me understand how much impact this info will have to her. The decision she has to make as an adult is of course hers. I was just sharing my way of thinking if I were in OP's shoes.

 

 

 

It is worse to live a life based on a lie. Also many WH are repeat offenders. This BW needs to know that her WH can not be trusted and she has to be vigilant to prevent more affairs.

[harrybrown]

When you found out that your wife was texting another guy about her affair 12 years ago, was she having an emotional affair with the new guy? Has she stopped texting the new guy?

 

I hope you have already told the first OM's wife. What about the OM that she is texting now?

 

I think you should get your wife to give you a polygraph. She may have had other affairs. Has she had counseling regarding her boundaries?

 

She could have already warned the OM from 12 years ago. She could have taken it underground. She could of had several affairs. I hope she has stopped texting the potential new OM.

 

I wish you luck. I wish someone would have told me about my wife. So many knew and did not tell me. If you have not told the old OM's wife, have your wife help you. She could tell. Exposing is helpful in getting rid of affairs. Affairs like the dark and not the light.

[Try]

First of all, I did not get the idea from OP that the wife was SEXTING someone talking about the affair. He only said "she was texting someone about the affair", that someone could be her mother, her sister, her friend, and this text may contain guilt and sadness for her actions for all we know.

Actually we do know who she was texting. In the very first post by the OP in this thread the OP wrote “I found out through her own admission while she was texting it up with another guy”. In another post the OP stated that “The talk was very sexual” and that the wife “used to work with sexting guy at the same place she met the OM”. Thus we know that the cheating wife was in fact recently "SEXTING someone talking about the affair" and that this person who the OP refers to as "sexting guy" was a guy that was not her mother or her sister. With this in mind, much of what you wrote does not apply.

 

As for knowing if the affair was over with the OM or not, the OP wrote “She says she has not had contact with him since Dec of 02. Although, he wasn't a Facebook friend of hers, she did like a couple of pictures of him in 2012”. This indicates that the OP only has his cheating wife’s word that the affair ended 12 years ago, and yet 12 years later she is liking pictures on FB of the OM and sexting to a guy that she worked with back at the time she has confirmed that she was having a full blown affair with the OM. This shows that the OM is still on her mind, and since her co-workers knew of the affair with the OM, sexting guy as a co-worker knew about the affair she had with the OM when he was recently sexting with the OP’s cheating wife. This is why I question that the affair ended 12 years ago with the OM and why I question that it was the only affair.

Edited December 17, 2013 by Try

[BetrayedH]

I also don't see how she could have been a 'good wife and mother' for the last 12 years if she had an affair and lied about it for 12 years. Lies do not get better with age. She clearly wasn't oh-so-remorseful if she never came clean with him and only got busted because she was caught sexting about it with another man.

[jm2013]

I agree with the other guys. I think you need to do a deeper investigation. She rug swept that carelessly for that long and YOU discover it and believe what she's telling you? My wife cheated up me too, I'm just glad I caught it early or I'd be in that same boat. My wife would probably still be banging/is banging the OM behind my back conducting business as usual. If she had true remorse she would have come to you begging for your forgiveness without you having to play PI or stumble across a fumbling block she had hiding her affair from you.

[Iguanna]

Oh now I see that this poster has posted in another thread these info. I thought the story was familiar but I didn't realize it was the same. Yeah pretty much most of what I said don't apply. Sorry.

[beatcuff]

first off we lie all the time --- even to our S. we do so NOT to hurt their feelings: 'you're fat'.

 

does the OBS have a right to know -- maybe. but why should you be the 'moral police officer to the world'. i love how some have used this thread to assume the OM has had numerous A and is carrying various STDs.

 

it seems the OP hoping for company --- misery.

[BetrayedH]

first off we lie all the time --- even to our S. we do so NOT to hurt their feelings: 'you're fat'.

 

does the OBS have a right to know -- maybe. but why should you be the 'moral police officer to the world'. i love how some have used this thread to assume the OM has had numerous A and is carrying various STDs.

 

it seems the OP hoping for company --- misery.

 

If there was anyone in my situation with whom I could relate, it was the other betrayed spouse. Like me, she had two children and was blindsided by her spouse's affair. Did she deserve to be left in the dark? I didn't have to be the morality police for the world but I had an ethical choice in front of me: give her the truth or leave her in the dark. The ethical choice was obvious but as usual, it takes courage. I'm glad the OP has found it.

 

And unlike the other players in his scenario, he's not just thinking of himself with questions like, how does this benefit ME? Notifying the other BS is an act of kindness. He's not hurting her; he's letting her know that she has a knife in her back.

[Snowflower]

Its not that I want to hurt her. I already have reached out to the OM on November 9th and got no reply.

My anger is not towards her at all. Its at my wife (there were many fights over this but I was the one arguing and she took it) and the OM.

I know what I am going through and its horrible. I do want him to squirm and know that he did not get away with it. My words did not come out right on my post. What I am trying to say is that if I have to go through then so should they. Why am I struggling when they are living their life like a normal couple I suppose is more what I mean. Do I want to inflict her pain? No way. I want him to suffer but in order for him to suffer, his wife will have to do the same. Is that wrong?

 

Thank you for explaining further, nabelp!

 

How are you doing today? Have you decided when you are going to send the letter to the BS?

 

This may have already been discussed and I missed it, but have you thought about how you are going to ensure that she gets your letter?

 

It is possible if there is even a hint that you are about to this that her H might get wind of it and try to intercept your correspondence.

[nabelp]

Thank you for explaining further, nabelp!

 

How are you doing today? Have you decided when you are going to send the letter to the BS?

 

This may have already been discussed and I missed it, but have you thought about how you are going to ensure that she gets your letter?

 

It is possible if there is even a hint that you are about to this that her H might get wind of it and try to intercept your correspondence.

 

I haven't sent anything yet. I slept on it and I am still not sure what to do. She will get it through Facebook and I will know when it was read because Facebook will tell you. Will she ever read it though is the question and I can not be sure her husband would intercept it. I believe though that if she never responds then he intercepted it.

[painfullyobvious]

I did not read through all of the posts I apologize if this answer was given. If you want to let this couple know that her husband had an affair twelve years ago tell the husband. Say hey I recently found out that you had an affair with my wife twelve years ago and I am giving you the opportunity to tell your wife. Do not attempt to contact my wife but I will be letting your wife know what took place many years ago scumbag. Just let him know that you know about his affair and that he did not get away with it. Then say nothing for a while. Maybe he tells her, maybe he doesn't. I am sure you will find out if he tells his wife.

 

 

I only say this if you feel it necessary to expose. This was a long time ago. Many things could have happened since then. He may have already confessed and you provide a trigger. You than are a jerk in their minds for bringing up stuff they have moved beyond. Maybe there marriage is one of convenience or open and you will look silly confronting their relationship. A lot of unknowns.

 

 

I get the embarrassing aspect of seeming like everyone knew except yourself and wanting others to hurt too. Go get counseling with your wife and work on reconciling.

[BetrayedH]

This thread might be worth a read...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/378994-reasons-not-tell

[nabelp]

Thank you everyone for your opinions. Some I liked, some were way off the wall. I am still in a quandary over this. I brought it up to my wife and of course she said it wouldn't be a good idea. She says she doesn't care about them and wants us to move forward. I somewhat agree but I do not want OP to think he got away with something...even if its been 12 years.

I thought of sending the BS anonymous email and let her decide if she wants to pursue anything. I would then come clean and expose myself.

I know there is no time limit on doing this. Ive waited 51 days to even really think hard about doing this. I might wait til after Christmas to do anything.

[Snowflower]

I thought of sending the BS anonymous email and let her decide if she wants to pursue anything. I would then come clean and expose myself.

I know there is no time limit on doing this. Ive waited 51 days to even really think hard about doing this. I might wait til after Christmas to do anything.

 

regarding the anonymous email...please don't do this. The other BS won't take it seriously. It would just fill her with doubts and unease that she would likely ask her H about. He would probably lie to her and then she would never know but would feel that vague uneasiness from then on.

[BetrayedH]

regarding the anonymous email...please don't do this. The other BS won't take it seriously. It would just fill her with doubts and unease that she would likely ask her H about. He would probably lie to her and then she would never know but would feel that vague uneasiness from then on.

 

I have to agree with this. It's hard to explain how much a person will want to believe their spouse over an anonymous person. We spend a lot of time here explaining how important it is to provide proof. Her WH would just lie and say that you, your wife, or both of you are just crazy stalkers. It's not uncommon for the first communication to leave out particularly hurtful details and to let the other BS be your guide about how much to share but starting off anonymous is the wrong direction.

 

Oh, and your wife doesn't get a vote. Her judgment sucks.

[tom670]

I have to agree with this. It's hard to explain how much a person will want to believe their spouse over an anonymous person. We spend a lot of time here explaining how important it is to provide proof. Her WH would just lie and say that you, your wife, or both of you are just crazy stalkers. It's not uncommon for the first communication to leave out particularly hurtful details and to let the other BS be your guide about how much to share but starting off anonymous is the wrong direction.

 

Oh, and your wife doesn't get a vote. Her judgment sucks.

 

If you decide to tell I would if possible do it in person it would hold a lot more weight in my opinion.

[BetrayedH]

If you decide to tell I would if possible do it in person it would hold a lot more weight in my opinion.

 

I did it in person and brought copies of emails, etc.. It wasn't a fun experience but she wasn't crazy or anything. At first, she was in shock. After a few days, she thanked me. Some situations go better, where both betrayed spouses find out far more than they would have known independently. Some cases admittedly do go worse. No matter what happens, I don't see how it could be a threat to your reconciliation; that's entirely up to you and your wife. But I wouldn't start a trend of sweeping things under the rug. Frankly, after what your wife has done to two families, I'd hope she would be trying to make some effort to do right by the other BS. The fact that she voted to protect herself and her OM is a strike against her in my book.

[nabelp]

ok..points taken. I will not send anything anonymously. I will sleep on this another night. I did some investigating on the OM and found a long list of police records from our county clerk of courts website.

He's a real winner. Arrested for the following: Passing bad checks, stolen checks, DUI (twice), Domestic violence (twice), assault, Driving under suspension (four times) and a State code 2919.019 which I cant find what that means. I, on the other hand, have only had a speeding ticket once in 2005. I was doing 73 in a 65.

Some of this was going on during the affair. Most of it after though. This really pisses me off. Its like a trigger and I sometimes think I am going insane.

I try to explain to my wife that I now have three lives...the life I had before the affair, the life I had for 12 years after the affair and my new life that started on October 28th. I really don't like my new life sometimes.

I have started counseling and am going to my fourth session this Friday. Not sure if that is helping yet.

[beatcuff]

... Arrested for the following: ...Domestic violence (twice), assault, ...

 

you have your answer -- do NOT tell, for the OBW sake. if he was arrested twice we know it was numerous times more.

 

and i keep going back to -- 12 years ago. i am not certain how i would respond if it was last year.

[dreamingoftigers]

The split-life thing is trauma.

 

Trauma makes it so that life seems to be broken-up at major points of stress.

 

I have the same thing from before my husbands infidelity and after.

 

It's like two completely different lives.

One was where I was so happy and the world was at our feet.

The next is where everything was washed away.

 

ok..points taken. I will not send anything anonymously. I will sleep on this another night. I did some investigating on the OM and found a long list of police records from our county clerk of courts website.

He's a real winner. Arrested for the following: Passing bad checks, stolen checks, DUI (twice), Domestic violence (twice), assault, Driving under suspension (four times) and a State code 2919.019 which I cant find what that means. I, on the other hand, have only had a speeding ticket once in 2005. I was doing 73 in a 65.

Some of this was going on during the affair. Most of it after though. This really pisses me off. Its like a trigger and I sometimes think I am going insane.

I try to explain to my wife that I now have three lives...the life I had before the affair, the life I had for 12 years after the affair and my new life that started on October 28th. I really don't like my new life sometimes.

I have started counseling and am going to my fourth session this Friday. Not sure if that is helping yet.

[happyman64]

nabelp

 

Glad you are getting counseling.

 

Also glad to see your wife stopped her stupid behavior.

 

What a shame she did not have the courage to tell you the truth 12 years ago.

 

And she still has no courage even today.

 

Show her what courage looks like, do the right thing and inform the OMW.

 

Show your wife what consequences look like.

 

Hope you guys get everything back on track. And glad you got rid of her worthless friends.

 

HM

[sidney2718]

It is worse to live a life based on a lie. Also many WH are repeat offenders. This BW needs to know that her WH can not be trusted and she has to be vigilant to prevent more affairs.

 

Road, with all respect (and I mean that) taking an action after many years that can destroy a family is not something to be done lightly. The OP will gain NOTHING from exposing the affair to the OM's wife. But it has a reasonable chance to blow up the OM's family. He may deserve that, but does his wife deserve it after all these years? His kids?

 

I myself would not do it. My advice to anyone seriously thinking of doing it after 12 years would be to do a bit of spying and find out what is, in fact, going on with the OM and his family. For all anyone knows he's divorced and moved to Alaska. Then and only then would I decide.

[turnera]

you know what?

 

I grow weary. It is ALWAYS us BS who take this high road and contact the OBS.

 

Shouldn't it be the WS....the one who seeks our forgiveness and the reconciliation of the marriage, who has the courage to do this?

I have a prepared 'speech' of what I tell BSs of what they should 'demand' of their WS, for the BS to be willing to consider R. One of those steps I include is that the WS must contact his/her parents and the BS's parents, tell them what they did, and ask for forgiveness.

 

If the WS is unwilling to do that ONE thing, then I tell the BS to RUN. Why? Because if a WS is unwilling to endure the humility required to apologize to those most important people, he/she is just spewing WORDS to get a pass, and words mean NOTHING.

 

I see no reason not to include contacting the OM/OW's spouse as well.

 

It will tell you whether the WS has integrity or not. If they are not willling to do this, run.

[turnera]

nabelp, counseling takes a LONG time to be effective. Please don't give up on it. Give it AT LEAST a year, then decide if it's helped you.

[BeingMe]

Tell her.

 

If he is beating her, it may help her make the break from him. Regardless, she needs to know. Chances are he has been cheating over the last 12 years. He could have given her anything. She needs to have the choice to get checked out. She needs to have the choice to end her relationship, or not. Right now you may be the only person who can give her choices back.