Do I tell the OM wife?

[nabelp]

Okay, I have it already to go. Please let me know if I should make any adjustments.

 

 

 

 

Hi ********,

My name is ****** ****** and I am married to ******* ******. You might remember her from when your husband and her worked together. I want to let you know that in 2001 and 2002, my wife and your husband had an affair. I found out about it on October 28th of this year. I am not sending this message to you because of anger towards you. I have nothing against you. I feel that you have a right to know. All I know about **** is what my wife has told me. I know they have not contacted each other since 2002.

I have decided to stay in my marriage and work it out. I know details of what happened between 2001 and 2002. I am here to answer any questions you might have. If you ask me anything, please keep it in one email. After I answer them, I want to be left alone and not contacted again.

[Spark1111]

Okay, I have it already to go. Please let me know if I should make any adjustments.

 

 

 

 

Hi ********,

My name is ****** ****** and I am married to ******* ******. You might remember her from when your husband and her worked together. I want to let you know that in 2001 and 2002, my wife and your husband had an affair. I found out about it on October 28th of this year. I am not sending this message to you because of anger towards you. I have nothing against you. I feel that you have a right to know. All I know about **** is what my wife has told me. I know they have not contacted each other since 2002.

I have decided to stay in my marriage and work it out. I know details of what happened between 2001 and 2002. I am here to answer any questions you might have. If you ask me anything, please keep it in one email. After I answer them, I want to be left alone and not contacted again.

 

very good!

 

One suggestion, though.

 

Please put in a sentence that you tried to contact her H on Nov. 9th of this year and he NEVE R returned your call.

 

Another suggestion: Specifics? The exact proof that you did have? The co-worker friends who knew that you refuse to remain friendly with? no names....just that they exist.

 

the more plausible, believable, and CALM that you sound, the less likely he can explain you or your spouse away into the cornfield as the crazy, stalking, nut-job co-worker and her insanely jealous H, KWIM?

 

Specifics are important. you do not have to name names.....yet.

 

And listen.....do your best BUT attach no importance to the outcome. She may or may not contact you....but YOU will sleep better knowing that you TRIED.

 

Good luck to you, and the rebuilding of your marriage.

[Spark1111]

you know what?

 

I grow weary. It is ALWAYS us BS who take this high road and contact the OBS.

 

Shouldn't it be the WS....the one who seeks our forgiveness and the reconciliation of the marriage, who has the courage to do this?

 

just as we should have a BS approved NC letter, should we not also have a F WS letter informing the BS of their spouse as the AP?

 

Why oh why do cheaters rarely man up or woman up to the consequences of their actions?

 

rant over.....sorry for the t/j.

[Sparta]

Hey buddy I read away the back in your post that you said you were going to throw her out... What happen with that. Sounds like you're too wishy-washy buddy she just can continue to do this to you all over again. She has no remorse. Just found out by her texting another OM dude what does that tell you about her you thinking these last 12 years she hasn't had any kind of unfair Buddy you're too naïve. Your whole marriage is a complete lie. I would divorce her why would you want to be with someone that doesn't love you. You can keep lying to yourself and thinking everything is okay but it's not you know it. She's a tramp and that's her that's who she is. Think about it if someone else was telling you your story what would you say.

[AlwaysGrowing]

A very good first draft.

 

Letting go of the outcome is very important.

 

Once you send the letter, it is out of your control. The OBS is free to do with it as she sees fit. If she does not contact you, then that is the answer to your letter.

 

Know that you did the right thing, it is how you wished you had been treated, and you have not..in any way, shape or form..condoned the affair by your actions/lack of actions.

[sidney2718]

I insist I wouldn't want to know. And what is this obsession with STDs? It seems you all tend to believe all OWs are whores who just sleep with everyone never having heard of protection. Well this is not the case most of the times. Most of the times OWs are insecure women or married women who want to spice their marriage a bit. Anyway we disagree, lets move on.

 

I agree with Iguanna. What is the point of telling the OW? What do you gain from it? I'd guess nothing.

 

Does the OW have a right to know? I'm not sure. Telling everyone the absolute truth about everything would make life unbearable. Can you imagine living in such a society? You have to use your judgement, and causing her pain so she'll know how you felt doesn't seem to me to be a good one.

 

I'd not even bother pressing your wife as to why she did it. At this remove in time, what difference does it make?

[nabelp]

Spark,

Thank you!!!

You're absolutely right about why are we the ones who seek this out. It should be the other way around. Maybe ill bring this up to my wife and see what she says...although, I already know her answer. However, if she truly means what she is saying then this will be a first step in trust if she contacted the BS herself.

 

Thanks again for the add ons to my email. I will redraft and probably post it later.

[Try]

If I had spent 15 years of marriage with a man (plus some years in a relationship) and probably had had kids with him by now, I would not let what happened 12 years ago ruin my present. Mistakes happen and having gone through all these years with happiness without knowing this, I don't need to know about this now.

Had the cheating wife thought of the affair as a mistake that she was ashamed of, the OP would never have found out about it. But instead the OP found out about the affair because she was secretly telling a new other man ("OM") about the affair, clearly indicating to this OM that she did not respect her husband or her vows, and that he did have a chance with her.

 

What you don't know can't hurt you. And after 12 years it's too late to get hurt by this.

Studies show that over 80% of all affairs go undetected by the spouse. Like rats, if you detect one, you need to know so that you can look around to see if there are others.

[nabelp]

Okay Spark...I changed it up. Please let me know what you think.

Hi *******,

My name is ****** ****** and I am sure you would remember my wife from when she worked with your husband at ****. I want to let you know that in 2001 and 2002, my wife and your husband had an affair. I found out about it (on accident) on October 28th of this year. My wife has since come clean and has told me everything. I know what parks, what motel and times and dates. I know about how they got lost one afternoon driving around in **** and I also know people that worked at **** who knew this was going on when it was going on. I have tried to reach **** via Facebook on November 9th but got no reply. I am not sending this message to you because of anger towards you. I have nothing against you. I have no idea your relationship with your husband but feel that you have a right to know. All I know about **** is what my wife has told me. I do remember meeting him once and I know you lived about 3/4 of a mile away from where we used to live. I know they have not contacted each other since 2002. My wife ended it after **** had contacted her about 2am and wanted her to sneak out of the house. This was in December of 02.

I have decided to stay in my marriage and work it out. I know details of what happened between 2001 and 2002. I am here to answer any questions you might have. If you ask me anything, please keep it in one email. After I answer them, I want to be left alone and not contacted again

[road]

I'm sorry to say this but I find it quite odd that your wife is still texting about an affair that supposedly ended all those years ago. If she no longer is involved with the OM and says he means nothing to her then he shouldn't really be a topic of discussion like this.

 

 

 

Exactly this. You can not believe your WW. Why is she talking about an affair that ended 12 years ago?

 

 

Because it did not end 12 years ago.

 

 

Did she work with the OM?

 

 

How did WW meet the OM?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Informing is blindsiding someone, its best to do so...gently as possible.

 

The reason why many feel that the BS should be the one to inform the OBS, is that you did not participate in the affair, and like them..was hurt. For some BS, having the AP inform them, could be seen as rubbing their nose in it.

 

A BS contacting an AP for information is not the same. The BS is mentally prepared for what is coming, it is being done on their terms and when they are ready.

[road]

Okay Spark...I changed it up. Please let me know what you think.

Hi *******,

My name is ****** ****** and I am sure you would remember my wife from when she worked with your husband at ****. I want to let you know that in 2001 and 2002, my wife and your husband had an affair. I found out about it (on accident) on October 28th of this year. My wife has since come clean and has told me everything. I know what parks, what motel and times and dates. I know about how they got lost one afternoon driving around in **** and I also know people that worked at **** who knew this was going on when it was going on. I have tried to reach **** via Facebook on November 9th but got no reply. I am not sending this message to you because of anger towards you. I have nothing against you. I have no idea your relationship with your husband but feel that you have a right to know. All I know about **** is what my wife has told me. I do remember meeting him once and I know you lived about 3/4 of a mile away from where we used to live. I know they have not contacted each other since 2002. My wife ended it after **** had contacted her about 2am and wanted her to sneak out of the house. This was in December of 02.

I have decided to stay in my marriage and work it out. I know details of what happened between 2001 and 2002. I am here to answer any questions you might have. If you ask me anything, please keep it in one email. After I answer them, I want to be left alone and not contacted again

 

 

 

Call or go see the OMW. It has happened many times before where the OM intercepts the mail before the BW can see it.

 

 

Yes the affair needs to be exposed. The OMW deserves the truth.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

nabelp

 

Good enough. Now send. She has a right to know.

[Spark1111]

good job!

 

Like it!

 

send it, with ways she can contact you.

 

Good luck!

[Try]

Hi *******,

My name is ****** ****** and I am sure you would remember my wife from when she worked with your husband at ****. I want to let you know that in 2001 and 2002, my wife and your husband had an affair. I found out about it (on accident) on October 28th of this year. My wife has since come clean and has told me everything. I know what parks, what motel and times and dates. I know about how they got lost one afternoon driving around in **** and I also know people that worked at **** who knew this was going on when it was going on. I have tried to reach **** via Facebook on November 9th but got no reply. I am not sending this message to you because of anger towards you. I have nothing against you. I have no idea your relationship with your husband but feel that you have a right to know. All I know about **** is what my wife has told me. I do remember meeting him once and I know you lived about 3/4 of a mile away from where we used to live. I know they have not contacted each other since 2002. My wife ended it after **** had contacted her about 2am and wanted her to sneak out of the house. This was in December of 02.

I have decided to stay in my marriage and work it out. I know details of what happened between 2001 and 2002. I am here to answer any questions you might have. If you ask me anything, please keep it in one email. After I answer them, I want to be left alone and not contacted again

You state in the above draft email that "I know they have not contacted each other since 2002." Sorry but you do not know any such thing. You just discovered the affair, and were not monitoring to confirm no contact during this more than decade long period. There is something called trickle truth that almost all cheaters practice to minimize damage. Please remove this sentence from your email.

 

Additionally, often times after you inform the cheaters spouse, you learn that they already discovered the affair and that they know more than you do. Also, even if they did not know, once you tell them they often end up learning additional info that you did not know. This is information that may be material to your decision to go forward, if for example you learn that it went on for much longer than you thought it did, or that they did things that you would find a deal killer. Rather than telling her that "After I answer them, I want to be left alone and not contacted again", you should be asking her to share any information that she knows or learns about the affair.

Edited December 17, 2013 by Try

[atreides]

No. If I had spent 15 years of marriage with a man (plus some years in a relationship) and probably had had kids with him by now, I would not let what happened 12 years ago ruin my present. Mistakes happen a

 

What you don't know can't hurt you. And after 12 years it's too late to get hurt by this.

 

 

I am with BetrayedH on his opinion in part.

(my context below is for a WS to come clean)

wow!!! So much for integrity and credibility...poof! This is what i call "The Beach moment" from Alex Garland's book. The conquest to move any and all for in the context above "my present"

 

Mistakes.... i just get a chuckle when that word is used for an A... as with my post to BetrayedH in another thread.. he enjoyed my modification. "Aggravated Mistake"

 

Either way Iguanna, i agree with some things you have said but 100% not this.

 

OP

 

As for telling the other spouse... though I only advocate exposure when the fog needs lifting, to start the NC and end the A. However if NC has already happened...12 years so.... exposure in that case is not needed in my opinion. WHo knows if the other WS has not already cheated again and been caught, any number of variables. The question at hand is if the 12 year ago A is the one and only and what your W is doing now.

Edited December 17, 2013 by atreides

[Try]

However if NC has already happened...12 years so.... exposure in that case is not needed in my opinion. WHo knows if the other WS has not already cheated again and been caught, any number of variables.

The big if is if it really did end completely 12 years ago. The OP has no way of really knowing if it really did end back then. Affair partners getting together for sporadic contact after the main part of the affair with regular contacted ended, can happen for years after what the cheaters would call the "affair ending" date. The OP and all of the posters to this tread really have no way of knowing at this point. One of the main reasons to expose to the affair partner's spouse ("APS") is not just because they have a right to know, but to learn what additional information they have or can get. What if the APS tells the OP that their spouse went to a business convention with the OP's spouse earlier this year? Wouldn't that be something that the OP should know?

[atreides]

The big if is if it really did end completely 12 years ago. The OP has no way of really knowing if it really did end back then. Affair partners getting together for sporadic contact after the main part of the affair with regular contacted ended, can happen for years after what the cheaters would call the "affair ending" date. The OP and all of the posters to this tread really have no way of knowing at this point. One of the main reasons to expose to the affair partner's spouse ("APS") is not just because they have a right to know, but to learn what additional information they have or can get. What if the APS tells the OP that their spouse went to a business convention with the OP's spouse earlier this year? Wouldn't that be something that the OP should know?

 

Yea, it's like i said above

The question at hand is if the 12 year ago A is the one and only and what your W is doing now.

 

I would say if he finds more and he needs to keep digging and the same AP comes up, then exposure. You are right how does anyone including he OP even know if her cheating ways ended 12 years ago?

[findingnemo]

Send the email. The question of whether it stopped 12 years ago needs to be answered. You need more information. Your WW can't possibly be 100% truthful. If she was, she would have told you about the A a long time ago. What is this about texting a OM?

 

At this point I wouldn't worry too much about the fallout of exposure. You can't be expected to single-handedly deal with betrayal and then ensure that everybody involved is left unharmed. With an A, there is no such thing as a painless outcome. There can be good that comes out of working through the betrayal but not doing anything is a recipe for disaster. Initiating contact with the BW is one step towards verification. What is it they say? Trust but verify.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I still can not wrap my head around the belief that it is perfectly healthy and fine for random strangers to know more about ones personal married life than those actually in the marriage.

 

A cheating spouse is a pretty important bit of information to have.

 

Can anyone..honestly say..that having all those co-workers/friends in the know about the affair and not the spouses who are married to those cheating spouses is in any way treating those BS with respect as fellow human beings?

 

Would any of us...want to be the spouse that is being treated like a mushroom?

 

Wouldn't you want to know...that you need to protect yourself from your spouse? That maybe signing over half of an inheritance, would not be a good move to make?

 

That if infidelity is an outright dealbreaker for them...that they have the right to know?

 

Personally, I am of the belief that I have NO right to make decisions for another adult. Absolutely NONE.

[Iguanna]

Too much information, let me get some things straight.

 

First of all, I did not get the idea from OP that the wife was SEXTING someone talking about the affair. He only said "she was texting someone about the affair", that someone could be her mother, her sister, her friend, and this text may contain guilt and sadness for her actions for all we know. OP has seen how much we questioned this part and he hasn't clarified it, in my opinion the reason being that the only thing he wanted from us is to confirm to him what he has decided to do, tell the OM's wife and tell him what he should write. He doesn't want opinions on IF he should tell, he wants to know WHAT he should tell which is fair enough but it's not the question of the thread whatsoever.

 

Second of all and this comment will be general for my experience in this forum (which I totally appreciate and posters are mostly great people from who I learn a lot): every time someone exposes their spouse's affair we all tend to forget totally about how this person used to be before the affair and after it had ended (in the case that it was exposed years after it ended). Lets take this thread. All we know about this woman (the OP's wife) is that she used to have an affair in 2001 - 2002 with a coworker and then it ended and she hasn't seen him since. I'm sorry but this information is not enough for me to "judge" and "convict" someone. Even when you are a murderer your lawyers find ways and reasons for the judge and jury to judge you less strictly (like criminal record, job, helped in society, motivation you had etc). Now we just get this information and we convict this woman which I don't find right. I want to know more. Does OP have kids with this woman? How was she these 12 years? Was she a good mother and spouse? Does she seem now that she has totally regretted? How does she deal with her affair now? All this info will help me make an opinion for her. OP has not given us any info about her. He is determined to tell OM's wife not cause she has the right to know (in his opinion) but cause he wants her and him to hurt like he hurts now.

 

I understand what you are saying, that this woman has the right to know something that serious about her husband. I still want more details about him to decide this. If it were me, I would try to "investigate" him and his life with his wife a little. Are they happy in their marriage? Do they have kids? How old are their kids? Is someone in the family maybe sick? Have they gone through some sad events in life? Do they really seem close? If this OM and his wife 's marriage seems happy and this OM seems that he is faithful from what others can say about him, I would not tell her.

 

What I want to say is that we jump to easy conclusions without having all the info needed to create a whole opinion. Not all cases are the same. The human parameter has to be taken into account.

[aliveagain]

Tell her as gently as possible, she is just a victim like you. She deserves to know the truth, your wife may not be his first affair, she deserves the right to make her own decision regarding her marriage. They always lie about using protection, exchanging body fluids is part of the rush they get from strange sex. A couple of things bother me about your post, so many people knew about their infidelity but withheld it from you, your wife still openly talks about it with others. Shows very little respect for you, the more people that know the greater the chances you will find out. Who knows what people really think about you knowing that your wife is willing to tell them about her infidelity but doesn't respect you enough to tell you. Any concerns about paternity?

 

This was no accident but a well planned long term affair. Didn't sound like they really cared as to who knew about it at work, they must have been pretty obvious. Take your time deciding what you want to do because now you know the real her and not the wife she pretends to be. You may not even like this new person, you sure can't trust her. Get rid of all those that knew but didn't tell you. Does she still work with these people, O/M? A job change may be in order.

[Zenstudent]

Too much information, let me get some things straight.

 

First of all, I did not get the idea from OP that the wife was SEXTING someone talking about the affair. He only said "she was texting someone about the affair", that someone could be her mother, her sister, her friend, and this text may contain guilt and sadness for her actions for all we know. OP has seen how much we questioned this part and he hasn't clarified it, in my opinion the reason being that the only thing he wanted from us is to confirm to him what he has decided to do, tell the OM's wife and tell him what he should write. He doesn't want opinions on IF he should tell, he wants to know WHAT he should tell which is fair enough but it's not the question of the thread whatsoever.

 

Second of all and this comment will be general for my experience in this forum (which I totally appreciate and posters are mostly great people from who I learn a lot): every time someone exposes their spouse's affair we all tend to forget totally about how this person used to be before the affair and after it had ended (in the case that it was exposed years after it ended). Lets take this thread. All we know about this woman (the OP's wife) is that she used to have an affair in 2001 - 2002 with a coworker and then it ended and she hasn't seen him since. I'm sorry but this information is not enough for me to "judge" and "convict" someone. Even when you are a murderer your lawyers find ways and reasons for the judge and jury to judge you less strictly (like criminal record, job, helped in society, motivation you had etc). Now we just get this information and we convict this woman which I don't find right. I want to know more. Does OP have kids with this woman? How was she these 12 years? Was she a good mother and spouse? Does she seem now that she has totally regretted? How does she deal with her affair now? All this info will help me make an opinion for her. OP has not given us any info about her. He is determined to tell OM's wife not cause she has the right to know (in his opinion) but cause he wants her and him to hurt like he hurts now.

 

I understand what you are saying, that this woman has the right to know something that serious about her husband. I still want more details about him to decide this. If it were me, I would try to "investigate" him and his life with his wife a little. Are they happy in their marriage? Do they have kids? How old are their kids? Is someone in the family maybe sick? Have they gone through some sad events in life? Do they really seem close? If this OM and his wife 's marriage seems happy and this OM seems that he is faithful from what others can say about him, I would not tell her.

 

What I want to say is that we jump to easy conclusions without having all the info needed to create a whole opinion. Not all cases are the same. The human parameter has to be taken into account.

Why do you think that you have a right to form an opinion on her behalf?? For all we know, she's an adult. Most adult people are perfectly capable of forming opinions themselves.

 

Why does it matter if she has been a good mother and wife the last 12 years? If she hasn't - you mean she don't deserve to make decisions in her own life anymore?

 

If I read this correct, it is just so condescending that I have no word for it.

[Iguanna]

Why do you think that you have a right to form an opinion on her behalf?? For all we know, she's an adult. Most adult people are perfectly capable of forming opinions themselves.

 

Why does it matter if she has been a good mother and wife the last 12 years? If she hasn't - you mean she don't deserve to make decisions in her own life anymore?

 

If I read this correct, it is just so condescending that I have no word for it.

 

I don't know what you mean. You confused me a bit.

 

I will explain better. Regarding the OP's wife who cheated 12 years ago. If she has been a good mother and wife for these 12 years, I'm not saying the mistake is forgiven (I don't even know her) but it will count for her favor. As it seems the OP has chosen to forgive her and work on his marriage which means he has counted her good attributes. That's one thing.

 

Regarding the wife of the MM who had the affair with OP's wife: OP is considering informing her about the affair 12 years ago. This is an info that may destroy her life. So I'm trying to know how this info will affect this women by wondering "Are they happy in their marriage? Do they have kids? How old are their kids? Is someone in the family maybe sick? Have they gone through some sad events in life? Do they really seem close?". Knowing these answers may help me understand how much impact this info will have to her. The decision she has to make as an adult is of course hers. I was just sharing my way of thinking if I were in OP's shoes.

[road]

Too much information, let me get some things straight.

 

First of all, I did not get the idea from OP that the wife was SEXTING someone talking about the affair. He only said "she was texting someone about the affair", that someone could be her mother, her sister, her friend, and this text may contain guilt and sadness for her actions for all we know. OP has seen how much we questioned this part and he hasn't clarified it, in my opinion the reason being that the only thing he wanted from us is to confirm to him what he has decided to do, tell the OM's wife and tell him what he should write. He doesn't want opinions on IF he should tell, he wants to know WHAT he should tell which is fair enough but it's not the question of the thread whatsoever.

 

Second of all and this comment will be general for my experience in this forum (which I totally appreciate and posters are mostly great people from who I learn a lot): every time someone exposes their spouse's affair we all tend to forget totally about how this person used to be before the affair and after it had ended (in the case that it was exposed years after it ended). Lets take this thread. All we know about this woman (the OP's wife) is that she used to have an affair in 2001 - 2002 with a coworker and then it ended and she hasn't seen him since. I'm sorry but this information is not enough for me to "judge" and "convict" someone. Even when you are a murderer your lawyers find ways and reasons for the judge and jury to judge you less strictly (like criminal record, job, helped in society, motivation you had etc). Now we just get this information and we convict this woman which I don't find right. I want to know more. Does OP have kids with this woman? How was she these 12 years? Was she a good mother and spouse? Does she seem now that she has totally regretted? How does she deal with her affair now? All this info will help me make an opinion for her. OP has not given us any info about her. He is determined to tell OM's wife not cause she has the right to know (in his opinion) but cause he wants her and him to hurt like he hurts now.

 

I understand what you are saying, that this woman has the right to know something that serious about her husband. I still want more details about him to decide this. If it were me, I would try to "investigate" him and his life with his wife a little. Are they happy in their marriage? Do they have kids? How old are their kids? Is someone in the family maybe sick? Have they gone through some sad events in life? Do they really seem close? If this OM and his wife 's marriage seems happy and this OM seems that he is faithful from what others can say about him, I would not tell her.

 

What I want to say is that we jump to easy conclusions without having all the info needed to create a whole opinion. Not all cases are the same. The human parameter has to be taken into account.

 

 

 

 

 

The OP did not say the context of the WW communication. Only that the conversation included the affair.

 

 

There is nothing to know. Because the reason for talking about the affair is pointless.

 

 

This BW needs and deserves the truth. There is no statue of limitations to telling the truth.