Why do men want to be married?

[SJC2008]

Marriage isn't for the vast majority of people. People lack morals, are irrational, impulsive, they project and blame shift. How can you grow with someone in an intimate relationship if you can't admit fault? Most people would rather be dead than wrong. People don't want to bring their issues to the table and work around them.

 

I used to want nothing more than to get married but now give it a 5% chance or less. As an inexperienced guy I've learned a lot about women the last three years and here are my three biggest takeaways: 1) Women run the show 2) Women run the show 3) WOMEN RUN THE SHOW. It could be a nice guy or an alpha, she runs the show. A coworker of mine is alpha but he won't ignore a call from the misses even though he's at work! She knows he's at work, why is she calling him asking?? Mabye he cheated... As soon as it's quitting time my coworkers with gf's chicks are on the phone! Why? This isn't a once in a while thing this is "routine".

 

I don't need a woman calling me asking where I am when she knows I'm at work. I don't need a woman asking me what time I'm comming home. I don't go out much and if I do I'm not asking for permission and I'm not telling you what time I'm comming back unless we have plans later. If I'm out later than expected I'll call to let her know I'm OK, no need to send a search party.

[polynomial]

Maariage is not for everyone and this applies to both men and women.

Some people want to settle down and some down. Some want it sooner, some later. People are different.

 

What's important is that if you're not the marriage-type a person, be honest with anyone you're gonna be in a relationship with because if your partner wants to marry you some day, they deserve to know what they're dealing with from the start.

[polynomial]

Marriage isn't for the vast majority of people. People lack morals, are irrational, impulsive, they project and blame shift. How can you grow with someone in an intimate relationship if you can't admit fault? Most people would rather be dead than wrong. People don't want to bring their issues to the table and work around them.

 

I used to want nothing more than to get married but now give it a 5% chance or less. As an inexperienced guy I've learned a lot about women the last three years and here are my three biggest takeaways: 1) Women run the show 2) Women run the show 3) WOMEN RUN THE SHOW. It could be a nice guy or an alpha, she runs the show. A coworker of mine is alpha but he won't ignore a call from the misses even though he's at work! She knows he's at work, why is she calling him asking?? Mabye he cheated... As soon as it's quitting time my coworkers with gf's chicks are on the phone! Why? This isn't a once in a while thing this is "routine".

 

I don't need a woman calling me asking where I am when she knows I'm at work. I don't need a woman asking me what time I'm comming home. I don't go out much and if I do I'm not asking for permission and I'm not telling you what time I'm comming back unless we have plans later. If I'm out later than expected I'll call to let her know I'm OK, no need to send a search party.

 

Eh, women definitely don't always run the show. A lot of men get fed up with women's bull**** and often dump them. I honestly don't understand men who choose to stay with bitchy and impossible women but I guess it's their choice, so if they want to be in an unhappy relationship, so be it.

[SJC2008]

Eh, women definitely don't always run the show. A lot of men get fed up with women's bull**** and often dump them. I honestly don't understand men who choose to stay with bitchy and impossible women but I guess it's their choice, so if they want to be in an unhappy relationship, so be it.

 

Not always but IMO it's hard to find the latter.

[ChooseTruth]

I haven't read the whole thread, but to me marriage is about establishing a union between two families, and creating a new one. The whole point is creating an institution for children to thrive in. Many times it doesn't last and the families break up...that's tragic, but man is it great for the many families that stay together. I was genuinely happy in my marriage and I'm a guy. It was my ex who sabotaged things by cheating =\ I feel like there's too much focus on self these days and not enough on responsibility. "Create your own happiness, leave those who make you unhappy behind"...blah blah blah, add a sunrise and a silhouette of a skinny white chick with her hair blowing in the wind. I think her responsibility to effectively communicate blew away with that wind as well.

[SJC2008]

When you ask someone if they like being married how often do their faces light up and they say 'My husband/wife is awesome!!!' or whatever? Most people pause and say 'it takes work' or something along those lines.

[xxoo]

When you ask someone if they like being married how often do their faces light up and they say 'My husband/wife is awesome!!!' or whatever? Most people pause and say 'it takes work' or something along those lines.

 

These two sentiments are not mutually exclusive. It can be true that it is awesome, and their spouse is awesome, AND it takes work.

 

Parenting is like that. A career is like that. Running a successful business is like that. Most things in life that are highly rewarding are like that.

[Woggle]

These two sentiments are not mutually exclusive. It can be true that it is awesome, and their spouse is awesome, AND it takes work.

 

Parenting is like that. A career is like that. Running a successful business is like that. Most things in life that are highly rewarding are like that.

 

True but you ask many couples and it seems like they barely like each other let alone love each other.

 

I am happily married but to many single people's eyes married people do a horrible job promoting the institution. It just does not look very enticing to many people who like happiness and peace in their lives. A day with my wife and I might change their minds but both of us admit we are the exception.

[xxoo]

True but you ask many couples and it seems like they barely like each other let alone love each other.

 

I am happily married but to many single people's eyes married people do a horrible job promoting the institution. It just does not look very enticing to many people who like happiness and peace in their lives. A day with my wife and I might change their minds but both of us admit we are the exception.

 

but....but....but....

 

No buts. I'm happily married, you're happily married, and that shows that marriage can be a great blessing. Not everyone is cut out for it, that's for sure. That doesn't make marriage to blame.

[Ninjainpajamas]

When you ask someone if they like being married how often do their faces light up and they say 'My husband/wife is awesome!!!' or whatever? Most people pause and say 'it takes work' or something along those lines.

 

You've got realize you've got people in marriages with all these problems, and these people all unify under the banner of "work" to maintain a marriage...these people could have;

 

- Denial, idealistic, hopeful about the issues in the relationship

- The in-laws/other family members and circumstances

- Infidelity/baby-momma/ex-wife/gf issues

- Romantic/emotional/intimacy issues

- Communication/compatibility issues

- Abuse - physical/emotional/psychological

- Disorders - BPD, Bi-polar, NPD (you know, all the ones that get thrown around on a daily basis on LS)

 

The list goes on and on and it's all perfectly fine to deal with in a marriage for most people as long as you're "working through things" because after all...that's what you're supposed to do! Of course the results can be minimal, after all they're not professionals but still think they can fix it or each other.

 

Now some people resolve these things to an extent, by burying them under layers and layers of denial or sacrificial acceptance...one person might just bend backwards until their own head us up their @ss in order to "work" through things. Some people don't even care, they'd rather be married and in any kind of marriage rather than be alone...you ask them if they're happy and they say of course, but don't be surprised if you can't see it for yourself...a lot of people live in a bubble, the self-awareness can be extremely low, they might not even know themselves what they're doing, just on auto-pilot, there's not much brain activity going on there.

 

You've got all these crazy people married together and all because it's supposed to be this great and wonderful thing that fulfills all your dreams or you do some "work" and make it like a cake or building a cabin with lincoln logs who knows! all in their own head...some claiming to be blissfully happy while others expressively miserable...but like in all things, who's really going to tell them any different? but you can see for yourself, look around you, once you see the kind of crap people are dealing with in their marriages you might not be so eager to be associated with that group...of course they're all the exception as well, 90 percent exceptions to the rule that end up divorced anyway but don't worry they've got an easy-fix for why that didn't work out either.

 

Long story short, don't expect people to actually express or articulate much when they are unaware themselves. In denial or just in their own little bubble...once they divorce you'll get more of the truth, but for many their current marriage relationship is just fine, then it all comes crashing down and they're incredibly surprised...it's hindsight.

 

It's true. Marriage DOES take work and it isn't all sunshine and rainbows.

 

Yeah go ahead, elaborate on that

 

These two sentiments are not mutually exclusive. It can be true that it is awesome, and their spouse is awesome, AND it takes work.

 

Parenting is like that. A career is like that. Running a successful business is like that. Most things in life that are highly rewarding are like that.

 

Hey what about "If you do something you love you never work a day in your life" no wouldn't that make more sense since it actually has the word "love in it" rather than referencing the fact that anything that is worth having takes work...which at least to me doesn't sound like it's in anyway implying making a marriage last...what exactly is this work again in your opinion?

 

 

True but you ask many couples and it seems like they barely like each other let alone love each other.

 

I am happily married but to many single people's eyes married people do a horrible job promoting the institution. It just does not look very enticing to many people who like happiness and peace in their lives. A day with my wife and I might change their minds but both of us admit we are the exception.

 

The institution is flawed and the results are speaking for themselves, there are a still a few diehards going down with the ship but it's clear the situation is getting worse not better...haven't you actually been divorced yourself? that's not going to win you much votes with single vote on the everlasting wonderfulness of marriage, commitment and dedication...if you can do it twice, or three times, why not 10 or 20 or 100? what's the difference? when does the "value" run dry? how many shots do you get at this very big "commitment" thing?

 

but....but....but....

 

No buts. I'm happily married, you're happily married, and that shows that marriage can be a great blessing. Not everyone is cut out for it, that's for sure. That doesn't make marriage to blame.

 

Right, not everyone is cut out for it...just like everyone is not cut out to be a terrorist, or a psychic, or a dog-whispers...I mean what does that even mean xxoo? do you understand that someone created the rules to marriage, which was mankind...so how could it possibly be for everyone or even most? why does the world view these things in black and white when we fully accept that people are so "different" except when it comes to being single or married?

 

The real reasons are behind the scenes of why people are getting "married" it has nothing to do with this oversimplification of "it's for some people not for others"....just because marriage conveniently falls in line with what you may desire doesn't justify it's merit. People side with these opinions because of their own personal desires or interest.

Edited December 13, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[Woggle]

 

 

The institution is flawed and the results are speaking for themselves, there are a still a few diehards going down with the ship but it's clear the situation is getting worse not better...haven't you actually been divorced yourself? that's not going to win you much votes with single vote on the everlasting wonderfulness of marriage, commitment and dedication...if you can do it twice, or three times, why not 10 or 20 or 100? what's the difference? when does the "value" run dry? how many shots do you get at this very big "commitment" thing?

 

 

 

 

 

I am divorced but I should have known the first time would not work out. I know now you can't rescue a troubled woman.

 

Marriage works when it is two people who are built for marriage. I am that way and so is my wife but people like that are becoming increasingly rare so for a single person it often comes down to marrying somebody who will make your life worse or staying single. I married somebody who makes my life better but I know I pretty much hit the relationship lottery.

 

I really think this will last but if for some reason it doesn't then no more marriage for me.

[xxoo]

Hey what about "If you do something you love you never work a day in your life" no wouldn't that make more sense since it actually has the word "love in it" rather than referencing the fact that anything that is worth having takes work...which at least to me doesn't sound like it's in anyway implying making a marriage last...what exactly is this work again in your opinion?

 

I'd say you love your work. But it still requires effort and attention, whether you feel like giving it that particular day or not.

 

I don't typically describe marriage as work (parenting, yes, but still overwhelmingly worth the effort--hugely rewarding). The work comes in when we do have a big disagreement, and we have to sit down, talk it through, and come to some mutually agreeable solution. It's easier in an immediate sense to demand your own way (and if you're single, you can just do that), but it is more rewarding in a long term sense to work these issues out and have a stronger relationship as a result. We're building something here.

 

I don't relate to the opposing extremes: bliss or misery. Marriage, for me, is an asset in my life, but it's not always sunshine and rainbows. When you buy a house you love, sometimes the roof leaks and you need to get up there and fix it. As long as you buy a house with a solid foundation, and you do the maintenance necessary to keep it in solid condition, it will be a blessing.

 

Nevertheless, homeownership, like marriage, isn't for everyone. If you don't want the responsibility, don't know how to do maintenance and repairs (or don't want to), don't want to be tied down to one place, or can't pay the mortgage, you'd be better off renting, or even couch surfing as you can find places to crash.

[pink_sugar]

It is true that kids do bring a lot of stress into marriage, but if that's what you're concerned about, you could also be in a child-free marriage. This would mean finding someone who also does not want kids. Usually women in their 30's should know whether or not they plan to have kids in the future. However, relationships where kids cause stress, usually there is already issues in the relationship prior to children. If you've otherwise had a good marriage, you should be able to adjust to having kids if you can handle the stress properly...some people cannot.

[pink_sugar]

 

Nevertheless, homeownership, like marriage, isn't for everyone. If you don't want the responsibility, don't know how to do maintenance and repairs (or don't want to), don't want to be tied down to one place, or can't pay the mortgage, you'd be better off renting, or even couch surfing as you can find places to crash.

 

Amen. I live in a very high cost of living area and my dad seriously thought we could have owned a home shortly after high school. I mean, even if we did have the money, I was not ready for that responsibility then or now! I am almost 25 and still don't know where I want to settle roots. Of course I want to own a home eventually instead of flushing my money away on rent, but it is a big responsibility. It's not like you can just move out in 30 days if you lost your job or need to move for any other reason. Plus neither of us had stable jobs back then and it would have been a disaster, even if prices were low in the housing market.

[janedoe67]

I'm not really getting the problem here. You don't want to be married...don't get married? What's makes you so pathetically insecure in your own choice that you have to convince everyone that marriage is bad? I don't understand people who can't just...live their lives. They have to have everyone view things the way they do.

[SJC2008]

These two sentiments are not mutually exclusive. It can be true that it is awesome, and their spouse is awesome, AND it takes work.

 

Parenting is like that. A career is like that. Running a successful business is like that. Most things in life that are highly rewarding are like that.

 

I know marriage takes work. Why don't they say 'It takes work but my h/w is awesome!' They just say it takes work... OR given that it's obvious that it takes work why do they have to even mention it? Why don't they ever tell the story of how they met or how they feel lucky or whatever??

[SJC2008]

Nevertheless, homeownership, like marriage, isn't for everyone. If you don't want the responsibility, don't know how to do maintenance and repairs (or don't want to), don't want to be tied down to one place, or can't pay the mortgage, you'd be better off renting, or even couch surfing as you can find places to crash.

 

Ya think? Marriage isn't for MOST people. Not all people get married and half of the ones that do divorce. That covers the majority of people.

[pink_sugar]

Ya think? Marriage isn't for MOST people. Not all people get married and half of the ones that do divorce. That covers the majority of people.

 

I wouldn't say marriage isn't for most people. I mean, sometimes you have to go through a few relationships or even marriages to know you're with the right person. There are a lot of people who are in their second marriage and have been married for years.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm not really getting the problem here. You don't want to be married...don't get married? What's makes you so pathetically insecure in your own choice that you have to convince everyone that marriage is bad? I don't understand people who can't just...live their lives. They have to have everyone view things the way they do.

 

Well of course it wouldn't matter to you because you're likely much like most who do whatever they think is "best for themselves" (even if they don't) without ever thinking it through at all or even spending two seconds talking about anything before making a decision because you think you're special.

 

I don't spend any effort in real life convincing anyone of anything, if they want to jump off a cliff because they think they can fly....hey, good luck.

 

This is purely for discussion and for the sake of bringing transparency and the reality of marriage to the surface, as marriage for many people is like Santa Claus to children, it's this fantasy they believe in but by the time they figure out it's not all what they thought they would it's too late, by then that's when it dawns on them that there is no magical component tied in with marriage.

 

But don't worry, its only the children who suffer the burden of your mistakes.

 

That's why the second marriage might have a more "realistic" chance of surviving, since they might know better now the realities of it and be able to engage it with more reasonable expectations and understanding, and knowing yourself that much more...which IMO being self-aware is one of the most important element to happiness, because only you can help you.

 

 

I wouldn't say marriage isn't for most people. I mean, sometimes you have to go through a few relationships or even marriages to know you're with the right person. There are a lot of people who are in their second marriage and have been married for years.

 

There's nothing that says you need to go through a few relationships or marriages to even find the "right person" because it's not even about those people, what if it's you that's the problem? what if it's you making all the bad choices in your life? take some responsibility, how about them apples.

 

Second marriage, third marriage, fiftieth marriage, oh well as long as you get it right one day! But doesn't that defeat the whole concept of marriage however, nope doesn't make a mockery of the concept in no manner, those hillbillies on their eighth marriage are welcome aboard your team of representatives for marriage....which supposedly means building a life together, committing to one another, going through the "ups and downs" and putting in the "work"...so why get divorced? what constitutes as enough self-torture or tribute to talk away? aren't you just "running away from your problems" or "giving up on the other person or your marriage"? Wasn't the whole point of marriage to spend the rest of your lives together? so if that's the case then why is there even an option to divorce? and what makes any subsequent marriage any special if you've walked away from one? can you walk away from that one too or is there a limit?

 

The thing about marriage is that everyone who represents the banner all has a different history and marriage quality of life compared to one another in terms of challenges or issues, some extremely severe others just not reaching critical mass...however when you ask everyone what their "expectation" is out of marriage don't you think it's weird that everyone all agrees on the same generic explanations like they're some big happy family? build a life together, commitment, support, isn't it weird that even the marriages that have nothing of that in their relationships still use those terms to represent why they are married? hmmmm...but the "standard" of marriage for many people, the actuality of what they're experiencing in real life is wildly different? But no no no, it's still "marriage" let's just not talk about the details...after all, it's much better and different than being single or in a relationship.

 

It's odd to me that those feel good automated responses represent so strongly the attitude and expectations of marriage among so many who choose to do so yet wildly differ is substance.

 

Think about all the marriages out there and the quality of many of those relationships, and yet you all associate under the same title, yet represent completely different values, qualities in them...the majority of them being negative and riddled with major psychological, emotional and personal issues ultimately ending in divorce...ha! what an embarrassment.

 

And yet miraculously, people still look up to it with high hopes and expectations like it's some gift from the gods from the heavens...that will make everything right and worth having in their lives. And yet those people who are married and claiming to be of the better quality, do nothing but watch droves jump into the lions den only be chewed up and spit out, no guidance, no transparency...because bob forbid the truth gets out and you accept the reality of your own marriage.

[OpheliaSong]

If a person isn't a good person, free of childhood issues and doesn't know how relationships go, there are always problems regardless of whether they are in a marriage or a LTR or single. Marriage doesn't get the corner on dysfunctional people trying to have relationships. So yes there are dysfunctional people who are married but there are dysfunctional people who have children out of wedlock, who casually date, who are on their fifteenth LTR who have the same issues.

It seems like you are really hurt from your own marriage failing and you are trying to figure out why it is the institution's fault, perhaps if you hadn't been married you would hurt less or feel less vulnerable. It also seems like you are taking issue with people who are married thinking they believe they are superior in some way. Dysfunction is dysfunction and marriage is going to suffer from it just like everything else. While I agree that not all marriages are great, the same amount of LTR or STR have the same problems in the end, and it does have to do with people not being emotionally well...not marriage per se. Life has complications whether you are married or not.

Edited December 14, 2013 by OpheliaSong

[xxoo]

But don't worry, its only the children who suffer the burden of your mistakes.

 

This is true whether you marry or not. Do you think the lot of children would if more were born out of wedlock?

[xxoo]

Ya think? Marriage isn't for MOST people. Not all people get married and half of the ones that do divorce. That covers the majority of people.

 

Of those that divorce, some will have a successful second or third marriage.

 

A good portion of people benefit from marriage. It doesn't need to be the majority for it to be substantial. I support individuals making their own choices, and creating their own best life, married or not.

[xxoo]

This is true whether you marry or not. Do you think the lot of children would improve if more were born out of wedlock?

 

omitted the bolded word

[Woggle]

If any product had the failure rate that marriage did most sane people would not go near it. Nobody would buy a car or a tv that broke down as much as marriage did.

[janedoe67]

Well of course it wouldn't matter to you because you're likely much like most who do whatever they think is "best for themselves" (even if they don't) without ever thinking it through at all or even spending two seconds talking about anything before making a decision because you think you're special.

 

I don't spend any effort in real life convincing anyone of anything, if they want to jump off a cliff because they think they can fly....hey, good luck.

 

This is purely for discussion and for the sake of bringing transparency and the reality of marriage to the surface, as marriage for many people is like Santa Claus to children, it's this fantasy they believe in but by the time they figure out it's not all what they thought they would it's too late, by then that's when it dawns on them that there is no magical component tied in with marriage.

 

But don't worry, its only the children who suffer the burden of your mistakes.

 

That's why the second marriage might have a more "realistic" chance of surviving, since they might know better now the realities of it and be able to engage it with more reasonable expectations and understanding, and knowing yourself that much more...which IMO being self-aware is one of the most important element to happiness, because only you can help you.

 

 

 

 

There's nothing that says you need to go through a few relationships or marriages to even find the "right person" because it's not even about those people, what if it's you that's the problem? what if it's you making all the bad choices in your life? take some responsibility, how about them apples.

 

Second marriage, third marriage, fiftieth marriage, oh well as long as you get it right one day! But doesn't that defeat the whole concept of marriage however, nope doesn't make a mockery of the concept in no manner, those hillbillies on their eighth marriage are welcome aboard your team of representatives for marriage....which supposedly means building a life together, committing to one another, going through the "ups and downs" and putting in the "work"...so why get divorced? what constitutes as enough self-torture or tribute to talk away? aren't you just "running away from your problems" or "giving up on the other person or your marriage"? Wasn't the whole point of marriage to spend the rest of your lives together? so if that's the case then why is there even an option to divorce? and what makes any subsequent marriage any special if you've walked away from one? can you walk away from that one too or is there a limit?

 

The thing about marriage is that everyone who represents the banner all has a different history and marriage quality of life compared to one another in terms of challenges or issues, some extremely severe others just not reaching critical mass...however when you ask everyone what their "expectation" is out of marriage don't you think it's weird that everyone all agrees on the same generic explanations like they're some big happy family? build a life together, commitment, support, isn't it weird that even the marriages that have nothing of that in their relationships still use those terms to represent why they are married? hmmmm...but the "standard" of marriage for many people, the actuality of what they're experiencing in real life is wildly different? But no no no, it's still "marriage" let's just not talk about the details...after all, it's much better and different than being single or in a relationship.

 

It's odd to me that those feel good automated responses represent so strongly the attitude and expectations of marriage among so many who choose to do so yet wildly differ is substance.

 

Think about all the marriages out there and the quality of many of those relationships, and yet you all associate under the same title, yet represent completely different values, qualities in them...the majority of them being negative and riddled with major psychological, emotional and personal issues ultimately ending in divorce...ha! what an embarrassment.

 

And yet miraculously, people still look up to it with high hopes and expectations like it's some gift from the gods from the heavens...that will make everything right and worth having in their lives. And yet those people who are married and claiming to be of the better quality, do nothing but watch droves jump into the lions den only be chewed up and spit out, no guidance, no transparency...because bob forbid the truth gets out and you accept the reality of your own marriage.

 

I am honored to have met you. I had no idea people who were so full of it actually existed.

 

If you do not believe in marriage don't get married. If someone else does, or if they profess that their marriage is happy, it's pretty arrogant of you to assume they are lying and that you know better than they do about their own lives.