Why do men want to be married?

[Badsingularity]

I love being married. I don't feel tied down or controlled or less free than I was before.

 

Ofcourse my wife is pretty awesome.

[Janesays]

 

And those who have been married young, limited perspective...a disconnect from the rest of the world. I don't know how many of you have the misfortune of seeing what people go through...maybe that's the difference, I see it all the time..I hear it all the time, it's not outside of my bubble..I've been talking to people about relationships and marriages for years...but you, probably only ever looked at anything from very own experiences and maybe a few close friends at that...maybe that's why it's so foreign to you, maybe you don't even care to think about it. But don't act like it didn't happen to you when the shet obviously hit the fan in your marriage at one time or another, something causing the end of it.

 

You see, that's the major flaw in your argument. You are going by YOUR OWN limited experience (And ALL of our experiences are limited in the grand scheme of things, regardless of age) and insisting that is 'reality' because it 'feels right' to you. We all have a tendency to do this, but as we all get older and wiser, we tend to understand that our singular perspective doesn't reflect the reality of the rest of the world.

 

I watched my own Mother marry and divorce 9 times before she tossed me on the street. She was abusive and hung out with bums who drank too much, made bad decisions, so what I SAW and FELT were that woman were generally stupid, selfish, and self serving. I saw it all the time, so it became my reality. I really FELT that I was right.

 

Then I met my husband and his family/friends. All from good homes. All with great marriages. All with wonderful caring giving women. And I was introduced to HIS reality. Directly opposite of my own. I had to concede that these people were REAL too. I couldn't just say they were misguided or lying just because their experiences and behavior didn't reflect the reality I grew up with.

 

As I scientist, do you know how many times I have started some research or an experiment and thought it would be a slam dunk because I already KNEW the answer....only to be sitting right in front of research that betrays my very sense of right and wrong? What kind of scientist would I be if I IGNORED the statistics and results of my work and the work of others because it didn't FEEL or LOOK 'right' to me? Ultimately, we CAN NOT count on our limited perspective to determine what is 'reality.' Because if we do, we walk away with egg on our faces. And if you work in my field, you become a laughing stock.

 

Observation is our weakest sense because we have a tendency to see only what we want to see. You need to get beyond that.

 

And as adults, in front of all these damn kids like Shepp...the guy is walking into a relationship with a friend who he is enamored with, who is his supposed future wife has got twins from a mysterious guy who we don't know the identity of, who wants to get married and you still say nothing but encourage him...

 

I confess that I didn't realize that Shepp was so young. However, I think what everyone encourages in Shepp is his love and positive nature. I know that you're implying that he's young and stupid and his girlfriend is probably horrible and will leave him heartbroken. And maybe you're right. But right now? This very second? HE IS HAPPY NOW. And even if it ends bad and ugly, who are we to begrudge him his happiness NOW? Life is short and we have so FEW opportunities to be truly happy. I would never begrudge someone even a second of what they are due.

 

And even in tragedy, we learn and grow and become better people. I would never begrudge someone that experience either.

 

 

there's like no responsibility for anyone married to express or provide guidance to these young/naive people who don't know a damn thing about what they're getting themselves into by at least being transparent about this shet, that's what irks me the most....they just read the fluffy little posts you write and buy it hook line and sinker...not that they need it...but at least freakin represent what it really is, at least if not for yourself but so that the rest of these clueless kids can have a fraction of a sense of what they're actually getting into and what the reality really is like...what the "work" truly is!

 

I don't really find marriage 'work.' The things I do, I do out of joy and love. It is NOT work. It is NOT drudgery. It's love and joy. That's all.

Edited December 24, 2013 by Janesays

[Shepp]

And as adults, in front of all these damn kids like Shepp...the guy is walking into a relationship with a friend who he is enamored with, who is his supposed future wife has got twins from a mysterious guy who we don't know the identity of, who wants to get married and you still say nothing but encourage him...there's like no responsibility for anyone married to express or provide guidance to these young/naive people who don't know a damn thing about what they're getting themselves into by at least being transparent about this shet, that's what irks me the most....they just read the fluffy little posts you write and buy it hook line and sinker...not that they need it...but at least freakin represent what it really is, at least if not for yourself but so that the rest of these clueless kids can have a fraction of a sense of what they're actually getting into and what the reality really is like...what the "work" truly is!

 

I do appreciate your concern for me, and for any young guy marrying, I do.

I think what it boils down to is - I do understand they reality, I understand sometimes it doesn't work, I understand that sometimes you get hurt.

I know i'm a particularly positive and optimistic guy and sometimes people take that to mean that I don't grasp the realities of life, I do though I know the world can be rough and life can throw you knocks but, you get one life and I don't want to live it waiting for the bad times, I just want to live it - because life can be pretty swell too, and I have a hell of a lot to count myself lucky for.

 

I think it boils down to risk and reward.

I do it everyday in my job - we round the corner in the fire truck, you see the smoke, you know there's a good chance your going straight into where instinct says to run from. I love my job. Its not that I don't acknowledge the risks - your playing with fire, literally, and their is always a possibility present that you could potentially play with your life. There's a risk, but I'll take it because I love my job, and I have a tremendous amount of trust in the guys going in there with me and because in some cases someone's life depends on it - someone's mum, daughter, brother, dad, girlfriend depends on it. And if it was ever my loved one, id want someone to take the risk for them. Saving lives is why I wanted to do the job I do - its such a massive reward. These things are why you take the risk.

 

I look at marriage the same way - of course their is a risk there (is there anything in life worth doing that doesn't come with a risk?) but I love her, I trust her totally and Since I was a small boy I've wanted to be a family man - wife, kids, my own little family. That's my reward right there, and I won't let it slip away because I could get hurt.

 

It's like football - if your in a cup final, theres no way you want a guy stepping out onto the field with you who doesn't care if you win or lose - because he'll be no use, its not always how talented you are but simply how bad you want it. You need guys who'll give everything because they want to win that bad. Theres only one winner so half of some of those guys will win and some will lose, but to ever have a chance of winning - they had to care!

And winning tastes sweet!

[Shepp]

But at the same time, it sounds like the poster you reference has good example of marriage all around him. It doesn't sound like he is naive at all about what marriage entails. Also, we need to respect that young adults are still adults, and are entitled to make their own decisions (and possibly mistakes). Preaching rarely changes their decisions, but listening can open communication. I also fully believe that Shepp will be ok, no matter what the outcome.

 

With that attitude in mind, I can wish him the heartiest congrats and celebrate his young family. The odds are stacked against them, and I hope they overcome the odds.

 

Thank you

 

I confess that I didn't realize that Shepp was so young. However, I think what everyone encourages in Shepp is his love and positive nature. I know that you're implying that he's young and stupid and his girlfriend is probably horrible and will leave him heartbroken. And maybe you're right. But right now? This very second? HE IS HAPPY NOW. And even if it ends bad and ugly, who are we to begrudge him his happiness NOW? Life is short and we have so FEW opportunities to be truly happy. I would never begrudge someone even a second of what they are due.

 

And even in tragedy, we learn and grow and become better people. I would never begrudge someone that experience either.

 

Thank you

It's true, I am happy - and you should never regret anything that once made you happy, right?

I try to live like that, tomorrow's never a given - if I, god forbid, died tonight in a tragic xmas present wrapping related injury...then I would want to because I have a hell of a lot more living to do but y'know, beautiful girlfriend, beautiful sons, turkey defrosting - lifes pretty sweet right now! I'd die a happy man.

 

And y'know one day i'll be old and grey and theres the chance that maybe I will look back and say I was young, and stupid, and maybe even that she broke my heart.

But I'll never look back and say she was horrible, because she simply isn't. Or that I wasn't happy, because im the happiest I've ever been. And i'll have two sons and that's something i'll never regret.

[Eivuwan]

I do appreciate your concern for me, and for any young guy marrying, I do.

I think what it boils down to is - I do understand they reality, I understand sometimes it doesn't work, I understand that sometimes you get hurt.

I know i'm a particularly positive and optimistic guy and sometimes people take that to mean that I don't grasp the realities of life, I do though I know the world can be rough and life can throw you knocks but, you get one life and I don't want to live it waiting for the bad times, I just want to live it - because life can be pretty swell too, and I have a hell of a lot to count myself lucky for.

 

I think it boils down to risk and reward.

I do it everyday in my job - we round the corner in the fire truck, you see the smoke, you know there's a good chance your going straight into where instinct says to run from. I love my job. Its not that I don't acknowledge the risks - your playing with fire, literally, and their is always a possibility present that you could potentially play with your life. There's a risk, but I'll take it because I love my job, and I have a tremendous amount of trust in the guys going in there with me and because in some cases someone's life depends on it - someone's mum, daughter, brother, dad, girlfriend depends on it. And if it was ever my loved one, id want someone to take the risk for them. Saving lives is why I wanted to do the job I do - its such a massive reward. These things are why you take the risk.

 

I look at marriage the same way - of course their is a risk there (is there anything in life worth doing that doesn't come with a risk?) but I love her, I trust her totally and Since I was a small boy I've wanted to be a family man - wife, kids, my own little family. That's my reward right there, and I won't let it slip away because I could get hurt.

 

It's like football - if your in a cup final, theres no way you want a guy stepping out onto the field with you who doesn't care if you win or lose - because he'll be no use, its not always how talented you are but simply how bad you want it. You need guys who'll give everything because they want to win that bad. Theres only one winner so half of some of those guys will win and some will lose, but to ever have a chance of winning - they had to care!

And winning tastes sweet!

 

well said.

[mariposa311]

The reason I think anyone should get married is not to feel like they are "imprisoned." Yes marriage has a lot to do with making other things easier- but for that you could just get a business partner and call it the end of the day. I also believe people get married a lot for the wrong reasons and to the wrong people. For example- if your relationship is nearing its end- then getting married will only escalate all of the problems you had before. If you get married because you think you are old and you can "deal" with that person- it isn't going to work out. But this is the thing- at the end of the day- it is nice to have someone there for you who has your back always and puts your needs above theirs. You in turn have to do the same thing. THIS gets tricky nowadays because the gender roles have really become very muddled and both the man and the woman are running themselves ragged to try and make the lives they dreamed about happen. Think of kids- when they are tired they are cranky too. I think a lot of people nowadays are very selfish and spoiled as well. Marriage is definitely hard to set up in a way where everything is rainbows and butterflies.... but not because of marriage- because life is not always rainbows and butterflies. The point of marrying is to have someone by your side to weather the storm with you. And I don't believe that once you have kids that they should be the most important thing- I believe that your significant other should still be the most important- because your kids are going to move out and if you have neglected your relationship for 20 years it is not going to work out. It is constant work- like every relationship- but definitely worth it with the right person

[Eau Claire]

I don't really care if anyone gets married or not.

 

Odd that some see marriage as some type of societal expectation. The majority of adults in 2013 in western countries are not married. I am certainly not pressured to get married nor do I pressure others. Where exactly do these 'pressured' people live? In a 1950's sitcom?

 

Each to their own. As a woman I certainly wouldn't want to marry a man who had no stomach for marriage and saw it as entering indentured bondage. If I was a man, I would be Leary of marrying any woman who viewed marriage as adding value to a relationship. The reality is, the same two people exist 2 years or 20 years later.

 

I look forward to being married if it happens. However, we both have to want it and both have a shot of realism about it.

 

The vast majority of people in western societies who get married, are in love. The majority of these same people 25 years late are not in love. Society is changing and blanket statements are meaningless for both men and women.

Edited December 26, 2013 by Eau Claire

[blueskyday]

It will make sense when you meet someone you can't live without! Your heart aches for them. It's like being alone and free but with someone!

 

Many unhappy marriages are the result of settling or getting married for the sake of getting married. Just remember to only get married when it's simply so compelling that you must. It's freedom to be with them and a prison to be without them.

 

It's hard to explain. It's something you feel. And you will only know it when it happens.